Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Kelley They're appealing the extra time. His orig time is up on june 29th . That is what he was on parole for. His parole hearing is sometime in May. And he could get another parole or just serve out the sentence. And no, there's no way they could fit 3 kids and the 2 of them in his mother's tiny 4 room house. PLus she has 2 daughters still living at home and another grandchild. So, I don't know where they'll go when she loses the house. I've thought about turning her in on the welfare fraud, and the disability fraud that I know about, but I'm going to let that go for now too. I called 4 more lawyers today, none of whom handle Grandparents visitation. They have family practices, but don't handle grandparents visitation. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 By realizing I had a problem....and conscienously working on it. I had to make myself change, it is like changing a habit. When I would experinece a " trigger " , I would have to step back and do certain things, and yes sometimes my thinking is still unorganized and yes sometimes I do still have a hard time motivating myself, especially right now when my routine is off balance. See, I developed my life into a routine, every day is planned, and I have to have my " me " time to keep it together, well lately, my routine has been thrown off and a lot of extra stress put on me, and right now I just want to say forget it, I can't do this, but I push through the day, put a little bit more on edge and not quite so together, but I will make it! It takes a lot of work and frustration, and stepping forward and then stepping back, and then forward again. cascorsam@... wrote: I cannot believe that anyone who thinks like this can ever be cured of this. From that post their thinking is ALL OVER THE PLACE. How in God's name did you and ever get your thinking patterns straightened out? is this the way you thought?? And do you also identify with this person 's assessment of how they felt? Am I to assume that my daughter now feels she has the power? That by taking away the kids she has the power over me? Well I guess she is correct. Because she has brought me to my knees. Now that she has it, what will she do with it?????? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Yes I am I am doing this because some people give BPD a bad stigma....and it effects my daughters progress, and this negative stigma weighs on her shoulders and mine...we are not " crazy " , we just don't know how to allow people to love us, and sometimes we don't do things right. We do not purposely abuse or hurt people....and I am so tired of people viewing other people with BPD as Glenn Close off Fatal Attracation, so I am working on a website and a forum....I never physically abused anybody in my life, maybe manipulated or hurt emotionally, but never physically hit anybody unless it was in self-defense, now my daughter is different, she has rages, but she is dealing with those... cascorsam@... wrote: I read the article on your website about the name change for BPD. It makes sense. Also, you put that whole website together?? I wouldn't even have a clue as to where to begin doing something like that. You're a smart young lady. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 You may have never physically abused people, but there are some real correlations in relationships with SOME BPD's that mirror Fatal Attraction. Because you dont like the stigma does not change the behavior! I live with a man with BPD, it is very much like Fatal Attraction sometimes. And it is not the label BPD that causes the stigma or the movie Fatal Attraction, it is the behavior of those who suffer with BPD. What would you do to make it better? Many of these children and adults with BPD, don't want help. The go around all thier life blaming others for thier problems, they dont get love because they push everyone out of thier life. The disorder is terrible I agree, but stop worrying about the stigman and get on with your life! Make your life better! Help your daughter be better! Taking the labels and teh stigman so personally is a problem. When you start to realize hey i have this problem but I am going to deal with it then you will be on the right path. But worrying so much what it is called and what others think wont get you anywhere. If your therapists and doctors act like its something contagious, then get new therapists and doctors who know how to deal with this! Hugs Kelley Re: Yes I am I am doing this because some people give BPD a bad stigma....and it effects my daughters progress, and this negative stigma weighs on her shoulders and mine...we are not " crazy " , we just don't know how to allow people to love us, and sometimes we don't do things right. We do not purposely abuse or hurt people....and I am so tired of people viewing other people with BPD as Glenn Close off Fatal Attracation, so I am working on a website and a forum....I never physically abused anybody in my life, maybe manipulated or hurt emotionally, but never physically hit anybody unless it was in self-defense, now my daughter is different, she has rages, but she is dealing with those... cascorsam@... wrote: I read the article on your website about the name change for BPD. It makes sense. Also, you put that whole website together?? I wouldn't even have a clue as to where to begin doing something like that. You're a smart young lady. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 I just had lunch with my cousin. She reminded me that my daughter had just disappeared out of my life right after nathan was born (so 6 years ago). And then, when my friend finally evicted from the apt she owned ( hadn't paid the rent and trashed the apt I later found out), at that point I got a call from simply asking me if I could watch so she could work at night and like an IDIOT i did it. I remember how much he had grown since I had seen him last. At that point that dirtbag was also bag in jail. But I never got an explanation as to why she had blown me off for 10 months. I guess I was just so happy to have her grace me with her presence once again. My cousin and I also hashed over how, even if lets me see the boys, it will only be because she is desperate for asistance and I should not jump to the bait. For the rest of my life, she will use these boys to getr what she wants from me and if I don't do it, I'll lose them over and over. Her father has nothing to do with her and she doesn't care. My cousin (who was in labor and delivery with her for both boys is finished with her and she doesn't care. My cousin's nother is the one whose credit cards she used illegally so my aunt wants nothing to do with her, not to mention other family members who are sick to death of her. AND SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE. How can she ever get better when she doesn't care about anybody? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Jean People with BPD feel the same range of emotions that you do, they just do not process them properly. Remember that link I sent you where the person with BPD went on for about three pages about how they felt? All of those emotions are trying to be processed at one time. Go back and read it again and try to imagine feeling this way all the time. http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/borderline_personality/34522 If reading this gets confusing or starts to give you a headache then I will have made my point. The point of the way this is written is to try to give the reader an active sense of what it feels like to live within the confines of borderline dilemma. (excerpt from page:) What is wrong with the world? Why can't they see my pain? Don't they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can't they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony. Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn't do this to me. I didn't choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me.....but I NEED it.....what am I to do? I don't know what to do so I put it beside me. Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there....and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don't feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I'll die if I don't. I'll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die. Click on the link above to read the whole page. It really will give you a clue. Putting more clinical terms to it about superego is NOT going to help! Hugs Kelley Re: Does anyone know if borderlines feel any guilt over what they do to other people? Isn't guilt a function of the superego? And if they feel no guilt wouldn't that indicate an impairment of the development of the superego? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Hi Debbie Thanks for inquiring about my health. I am feeling physically much better today. I don't know if you will get this post however since 2 of my posts today never got thru. Wondering if other peoples' haven't gotten thru also. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 My daughter knows what she has done and put me through, sometimes I have to remind her, but mostly she remembers. And she is always sorry. Sometimes very very sorry. If you remember, I posted a poem she wrote me a few years back. Totally covered everything, and to me was a major apology. Debbie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 let it go is right. Also, even tho it's under appeal, doesn't mean he gets out because of it. It just means that at the time of trial, if he loses the appeal and gets the time, he will get credit for time " served " while he awaits the appeal process. Unless, of course, this time runs out while on appeal, before it goes to trial again. I think he's just buying time to avoid staying there now. Debbie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Jean Its your inner wisdom shining through! They are appealing the extra sentence or the original sentence for abuse? If they appeal the original sentence and overturn the conviction on the domestic violence charge they only person who could do that would be your daughter, and she would be subjecting herself to jail time if she decided now to say there was no abuse. Wild! Do let it go its a wise decision. As long as he is in jail she will not stop trying to get him out. So he gets out of jail, they lose the house, go live with his family, sooner or later she will go berserk on them too. maybe they will be the ones to bring her to seeing she has problems, maybe not......you work on you! Hope you are feeling better today? Hgus kelley Re: I just learned that the 4 month sentence that dirt bag got last week when I went to court has been appealed. That means he won't be serving it till he goes to trial on it again and is convicted all over again. So that means he will be getting out in about a month or less. When I heard this I started crying to myself and saying that I just could not go thru this any more and then I heard what seemed to be a voice say, " Let it go " . Have any of you had things like that happen to you? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Jean She won't! But you can, like the rest of your family has done! Kelley Re: I just had lunch with my cousin. She reminded me that my daughter had just disappeared out of my life right after nathan was born (so 6 years ago). And then, when my friend finally evicted from the apt she owned ( hadn't paid the rent and trashed the apt I later found out), at that point I got a call from simply asking me if I could watch so she could work at night and like an IDIOT i did it. I remember how much he had grown since I had seen him last. At that point that dirtbag was also bag in jail. But I never got an explanation as to why she had blown me off for 10 months. I guess I was just so happy to have her grace me with her presence once again. My cousin and I also hashed over how, even if lets me see the boys, it will only be because she is desperate for asistance and I should not jump to the bait. For the rest of my life, she will use these boys to getr what she wants from me and if I don't do it, I'll lose them over and over. Her father has nothing to do with her and she doesn't care. My cousin (who was in labor and delivery with her for both boys is finished with her and she doesn't care. My cousin's nother is the one whose credit cards she used illegally so my aunt wants nothing to do with her, not to mention other family members who are sick to death of her. AND SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE. How can she ever get better when she doesn't care about anybody? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 26, 2005 Kelley-- I agree most wholeheartedly!!! > > > I read the article on your website about the name change for BPD. It makes > sense. Also, you put that whole website together?? I wouldn't even have a > clue as to where to begin doing something like that. You're a smart young lady. > > Jean > > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 27, 2005 I know most don't want help, and I can't do anything about that. I do take care of my daughter and myself first, then I take on this. It is not an obsession...let me think of a good example....say somebody does prison time for a mistake...most people think negatively about people that do prison time, Correct? Well this person that made a mistake, say robbed a store to feed his wife and children, has to prove to society when he gets out that he is not a bad person....see where I am going with this...maybe an extreme example. I take it personally cause I see how it affects my daughter....and how people look at her now that she has been " labeled " ...I hurt for her, me it don't bother, I deal with it, but she is on an emotional level of about a 10 year old...... katiehines57 wrote: Kelley-- I agree most wholeheartedly!!! > > > I read the article on your website about the name change for BPD. It makes > sense. Also, you put that whole website together?? I wouldn't even have a > clue as to where to begin doing something like that. You're a smart young lady. > > Jean > > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 27, 2005 Right now she don't....but when there is nobody left to care..even dirtbag...and she is alone in her misery, she will see what she lost..... Kelley wrote: Jean She won't! But you can, like the rest of your family has done! Kelley Re: I just had lunch with my cousin. She reminded me that my daughter had just disappeared out of my life right after nathan was born (so 6 years ago). And then, when my friend finally evicted from the apt she owned ( hadn't paid the rent and trashed the apt I later found out), at that point I got a call from simply asking me if I could watch so she could work at night and like an IDIOT i did it. I remember how much he had grown since I had seen him last. At that point that dirtbag was also bag in jail. But I never got an explanation as to why she had blown me off for 10 months. I guess I was just so happy to have her grace me with her presence once again. My cousin and I also hashed over how, even if lets me see the boys, it will only be because she is desperate for asistance and I should not jump to the bait. For the rest of my life, she will use these boys to getr what she wants from me and if I don't do it, I'll lose them over and over. Her father has nothing to do with her and she doesn't care. My cousin (who was in labor and delivery with her for both boys is finished with her and she doesn't care. My cousin's nother is the one whose credit cards she used illegally so my aunt wants nothing to do with her, not to mention other family members who are sick to death of her. AND SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE. How can she ever get better when she doesn't care about anybody? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 27, 2005 I did not feel guilt for years, but I felt so much shame that it buried me..... cascorsam@... wrote: Does anyone know if borderlines feel any guilt over what they do to other people? Isn't guilt a function of the superego? And if they feel no guilt wouldn't that indicate an impairment of the development of the superego? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 27, 2005 So true...and she hopefully be sorry for it one day, I know I am. You know mother's day is coming up so I went to buy my mother a card (for the first time in years!) and I got her this little Hallmark book about moms....and ya know when I was out there doing bad, some how my mom always knew where I was at, and I never knew how, and in this little book I picked up for her today, I was reading through it, and it said " A mother always knows where their child is because that is where their heart is " , and i almost started crying right there in Hallmark! I feel so bad for what I put my mom through, and if I could take it back I would, but that is the past, done and over with and forgiven, and each day is a new day, and I will love her for the rest of my life and always hating those years I missed with her..... cascorsam@... wrote: It would have been better if my daughter had physically abused me rather than the emotional pain she is putting me through. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 27, 2005 Just wondering how your day went? How was the inspection at work? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 27, 2005 I'm sorry the day went so badly for you. Hopefully things will get better at work. How exactly did you " explode " ? Is your boss holding that against you? It was nice to have your daughter give you some support. Whenever I had problems or felt overly stressed, if I showed any weakness, my daughter would roll her eyes and walk away. Only she she was allowed problems!!! At least your daughter is learning to show and feel compassion. Hope things get better real soon. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 I royally messed up, the corperate guy kept standing over my shoulders, putting me under pressure....I could feel it building...plus the District Manger was there. I asked my manager for 5 minutes after lunch rush, so I could go do my relaxation exercises, and she told me no, we would get points taken off, so I tried to hold it all in, but I exploded. I felt so bad afterwards, after I got off work, I stood outside crying. Then I came home and broke down in front of my daughter, and she is the one that soothed me, telling me we all have days like that. But, her and I went to dinner, and I relaxed some, but still very sorry for my actions, but she would not let me have my 5 minutes to destress.... cascorsam@... wrote: Just wondering how your day went? How was the inspection at work? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 I get mouthy.....and it is just like my mouth has it's own mind. My manager asked me to drop some hushpuppies, and I told her, " No you do it! " ....stuff like that...I was fighting this anger that was so extreme, and I was fighting it so hard, that tears were just running from my eyes in the fight....I just needed 5 minutes and all would be ok. With all going on at home with Brit, the job is getting to be to much, since my boss won't work with me. I am going to try and go back to school, I am going to check out pell grants and financing for single mothers....I need to do more with my life than waste it on a no paying job that don't care....And yes she will hold it against me, I will never hear the end of this and how my attitude cost her points, but i just needed 5 minutes to destress....and I would have had my control back.... cascorsam@... wrote: I'm sorry the day went so badly for you. Hopefully things will get better at work. How exactly did you " explode " ? Is your boss holding that against you? It was nice to have your daughter give you some support. Whenever I had problems or felt overly stressed, if I showed any weakness, my daughter would roll her eyes and walk away. Only she she was allowed problems!!! At least your daughter is learning to show and feel compassion. Hope things get better real soon. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 , Sounds like your DM has her own issues! good luck to you and hang in there. Nice that someone at work cares enough to find out more about what makes you tick. Hugs, Debbie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 Regarding Jon----just be careful. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 I think you protest too much. And my Mom is deceased, thank you. I appreciated her thinking I had done a good job on whatever at the time. I wasn't happy with her for the fact that she stayed with a drunk most of her life, but I forgive her for the affect it had on my life. I respected her opinions, even though we didn't always agree. I quite honestly think that is " normal " . Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 With the amount of work you do, it sounds inhumane. I never saw my daughter look stressed when she was waitressing. If things ever got too busy, the managers used to help out. She never complained about anything other than an annoying customer once in awhile. And if there had been a problem she certainly would have complained. She used to brag that she was the fastest waitress so she may have liked the pressure. If she had 5 tables, she would ask them to give her an extra of a slower waitress who didn't want as many. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted April 28, 2005 Did you read my post about getting your ex to pay child support? And my word, if you can make more at Mc's why don't you go there as fast as you can. I spent a lot of time at Mickey D's with my grandsons and I never saw anyone look stressed. Aren't there state work laws in Indiana (that' s where you are, right?) regarding breaks, etc? Be assertive, get another job and go back to school. If you're not so exhausted you can work and go to school. Do one part time. You have your whole life ahead of you, you should have a job you enjoy. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites