RE:

[Guest guest]

I have been re reading your posts. How many times did you lose everything,

before you really learned?

Jean

[Guest guest]

At what point did you let God into your life?

Jean

[Guest guest]

How are you doing with your daughter? I hope she's not giving you too many

problems right now.

Jean

[Guest guest]

:

Thanks for your response. I think he wants to move on alittle. She is pulling

alot of stuff right now, mostly because I feel she doesn't have his full

attention. I got a call fromher Godmother a few days ago, she didn't feed into

her drama and neither did I. We haven't heard from her since. My brother and

his 2 oldest are coming next week for a visit, so she will be here and we will

see how she acts. I will keep everyone posted.

Kelley wrote:

If her father is like my ex, he will go through many women without doing a thing

about it, because after all it is his daughter and blood is thicker than.....

My ex had his own mental and emotional problems, I believe whole heartedly now

that his teenage daughter at the time I lived with this man and she popped in

and out of our life like we were a revolving door, had BPD, hind site is 20/20

and she had snowed many a therapist. I see it clearly now that I have been hear

reading about other teens and young adults with BPD.

This child was still running her fathers life when I last heard from any of them

and that was two years after I left the scene.

Kelley

Re:

I know I sound terrible, but I had to let go of my daughter and she is only

16. She is with her dad so I know she is safe, but I don't want to have a

daughter who is 30 and still waiting to hit bottom. Plus I know I have to be

strong for my parents (who are ill) my son, whom is not BP and also for her when

she figures this all outand when she finally decides she wants help and a

relationship with me. Right now I can predict the calls, the drama, and the

manulipation. I decided to give her one last chance in Dec when I tried to

include her in family functions (I am now remarried). I bought her a season

pass for 2 theme parks here in Florida for Christmas (plus about $500.00 worth

of gifts too). And when she was on her last day, when I bought her the last

thing she requested, hold on to your bootstraps, boy did I get it from her.

With both barrels. When we dropped her off at home, she said she was sorry and

would talk to me later! , about her behavior (still waiting for the

talk). It was then I decided, when you realize it is you with the problem and

try to get help I will be there. Maybe alot of parents on the sight will think

I am wrong, letting her go so young, but Dad is still enabling her, so she is

feeding off of that for now. I'm sure he will want to move on, and how many

women will put up with this behavior from a child who is not theirs? I hope he

figures it out soon for her sake.

Sorry I went on so long, I don't post much, but I am off of work today and

became alittle long winded.

cascorsam@... wrote:

Hi

I know you are right. She NEEDS to fall on her face and the sooner the

better I think for the sake of my grandsons.

I called the daycare today where the little goes and the director said he's

been seeming a little sad, but she said my older grandson came in to get

yeaterday (I guess my daughter couldn't drag herself out of the car).

and

as he ran toward the door to leave, he stopped, gave her a big smile and said,

" Miss you have a great vacation " .

When I heard that I could just see his smiling little face (he's 6 1/2) and I

have been missing him all the more today. I'm also concerned about why

(he's 5) seems sad. I NEED to see these kids!!

All for giving these girls a one way ticket to Mars, raise your hands!!!!!

Jean

[Guest guest]

,

Good luck!

Hugs

Kelley

Re:

:

Thanks for your response. I think he wants to move on alittle. She is

pulling alot of stuff right now, mostly because I feel she doesn't have his full

attention. I got a call fromher Godmother a few days ago, she didn't feed into

her drama and neither did I. We haven't heard from her since. My brother and

his 2 oldest are coming next week for a visit, so she will be here and we will

see how she acts. I will keep everyone posted.

[Guest guest]

I finished a book last night called Siren's Dance about a young Dr married to

a bpd. It was recommended by from this group. The girl in this

book sounded exactly like the description of the 9 characteristics for the

illness----the strong fear of abandonment, the manipulation so she wouldn't be

abandoned, the rages relating to the fear of abandonment, the suicide

attempts,etc.. Even though this girl was a royal pain in the neck, I felt

sympathy for her,

even I wanted to protect her and ease her obvious pain. She was very verbal

in admitting that she had a problem, she knew people left her because she was

sooooooo needy, etc.

The point I'm getting to here, I DON'T see this type of behavior in my

daughter. She has NEVER verbalized fear of abandonment, never attempted

suicide,

never admitted that she has any type of problem,has never said " gee what's wrong

with me " . Her biggest problem that I see is her total lack of regard for any

type of authority. Her always being on the fringe of outright criminal

behavior, her cockiness in thinking she can outsmart people.

Her latest endeavor---dirtbag's parole officer had asked me to call and let

her know what happened in court Tuesday. I finally got around to it today at

which time she said to me, " Do you know that your daughter is still visiting

him in jail even with the No Contact Order in place? " I had assumed she was,

since she was visiting him while she was pregnant and the order was in place

then. She said that she just could not believe that dirtbag was being charged

with violating it and here they were violating it again and again. She was

incredulous. I told her then to do something about it.

Is this type of behavior borderline (where they have no regard for any

authority) or is it anti social personality disorder? I know they can have

mixtures

of disorders, but this criminal behavior really frosts me. It's like she is

going to have HER WAY no matter what the consequences.

Jean

[Guest guest]

I never verbalized my fear of abandonment or did I threaten suicide, I just

decided to try it one day.....the emptiness was too much, but I already told you

about that. Nor did I really have " rages " like my daughter does...I might have

had attitude but I kept my rages that I wanted to throw in check my keeping

myself self-medicated with weed. But, see as a child, growing up, I got

punished for temper tantrums....so I was not really prone to rages...I just held

it all inside...my daugher has bad rages though...to where she fights me....but

now I notice myself throwing " mini-rages " as i call them when I get really

really aggravated!

cascorsam@... wrote:

I finished a book last night called Siren's Dance about a young Dr married to

a bpd. It was recommended by from this group. The girl in this

book sounded exactly like the description of the 9 characteristics for the

illness----the strong fear of abandonment, the manipulation so she wouldn't be

abandoned, the rages relating to the fear of abandonment, the suicide

attempts,etc.. Even though this girl was a royal pain in the neck, I felt

sympathy for her,

even I wanted to protect her and ease her obvious pain. She was very verbal

in admitting that she had a problem, she knew people left her because she was

sooooooo needy, etc.

The point I'm getting to here, I DON'T see this type of behavior in my

daughter. She has NEVER verbalized fear of abandonment, never attempted

suicide,

never admitted that she has any type of problem,has never said " gee what's wrong

with me " . Her biggest problem that I see is her total lack of regard for any

type of authority. Her always being on the fringe of outright criminal

behavior, her cockiness in thinking she can outsmart people.

Her latest endeavor---dirtbag's parole officer had asked me to call and let

her know what happened in court Tuesday. I finally got around to it today at

which time she said to me, " Do you know that your daughter is still visiting

him in jail even with the No Contact Order in place? " I had assumed she was,

since she was visiting him while she was pregnant and the order was in place

then. She said that she just could not believe that dirtbag was being charged

with violating it and here they were violating it again and again. She was

incredulous. I told her then to do something about it.

Is this type of behavior borderline (where they have no regard for any

authority) or is it anti social personality disorder? I know they can have

mixtures

of disorders, but this criminal behavior really frosts me. It's like she is

going to have HER WAY no matter what the consequences.

Jean

[Guest guest]

I have been rereading some of your previous posts. One where you said that

bps see the people in their world as " if you don't give me what I want, I don't

need you " . That being the case, how does hitting bottom change that outlook

on people. If you originally basically see people as being there for you (the

BP) to pretty much use for whatever your needs are, then how does hitting

bottom suddenly make them see people as people and integral to their lives as

something other than need fillers?

Jean

[Guest guest]

I began to see the people who pushed me away, like my mom, as for doing it for

my own good, but it took a long time. I had to quit seeing in black and white

(splitting). It took me a long time to get out of the manipulation habit, but

when I did my step work and seen how I had hurt other people, by using

them...and that I really had nobody to turn to incase of an emerency, because I

had used them all up, it really opened my eyes....you know sort of like the boy

calling wolf one too many times story. See, I seen my mom as all " bad " because

she would not enable me...I had to set back and think....yeah not a lot of

people could let their daughters live on the street like that, but she did it

cause I was driving her crazy, and she wanted to teach me how to stand on my own

two feet...I had to quit seeing in all good or all bad, and realize other people

did not like to be hurt either....I don't like being manpulated, so why should

they. What is that saying my dad use to always say,

" Walk a mile in a man's moccassins before you judge him... " and I try to use

that! Also, I have started applying to my life, what goes around comes

around...so what I give out will always come back to me....this I know for a

fact!

cascorsam@... wrote:

I have been rereading some of your previous posts. One where you said that

bps see the people in their world as " if you don't give me what I want, I don't

need you " . That being the case, how does hitting bottom change that outlook

on people. If you originally basically see people as being there for you (the

BP) to pretty much use for whatever your needs are, then how does hitting

bottom suddenly make them see people as people and integral to their lives as

something other than need fillers?

Jean

[Guest guest]

I just realized that my daughter's birthday is the 9th of May which is just a

couple of weeks away. I am wondering whether I should send her a card. I do

not feel like I should. I feel it would be hypocritical, because I really

DON'T wish her a happy birthday. Am I awful to feel that way?

Jean

[Guest guest]

No that is no reason to feel awful Jean....and you shouldn't. I went for years

without anything, except for a card every now and then. But, she should

appreciate you so much more than what she does now, show what her life would be

like without a great mom like you in it...maybe she will get the picture then.

I hope this does not sound too harsh....

cascorsam@... wrote:

I just realized that my daughter's birthday is the 9th of May which is just a

couple of weeks away. I am wondering whether I should send her a card. I do

not feel like I should. I feel it would be hypocritical, because I really

DON'T wish her a happy birthday. Am I awful to feel that way?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

No you are not awful for feeling that way. She doesnt give you the time of day,

did she even say happy birthday to you much less send you a card? Probably not.

So don't bother if you don't want to.

How about buying a card for the daughter you had and love, writing how you feel

in it and then just putting it away, it might make you feel better and help you

get past some of the grief you are suffering.

Hugs

Kelley

Re:

I just realized that my daughter's birthday is the 9th of May which is just a

couple of weeks away. I am wondering whether I should send her a card. I do

not feel like I should. I feel it would be hypocritical, because I really

DON'T wish her a happy birthday. Am I awful to feel that way?

Jean

[Guest guest]

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Like I wrote to you personally, ignore everything.

She's probably expecting something from you for her birthday. Because she

knows you. Don't send one. It will throw her for a loop! My daughter knows

I don't by pass ANY holiday. I bought her NOTHING for Valentine's day or

Easter, and it made quite a statement to her.

Debbie

[Guest guest]

No, I am not going to send her a birthday card. Why would I send a birthday

card to someone who goes out of their way looking up state statutes here to

keep me away from her house. Let her take her hatred and let it keep her warm

on her birthday.

I have been sick as a dog since late yesterday afternoon. I have done

nothing but sleep and was doubled over with stomach cramps for most of the day.

I

am emotionally drained from this and I am not putting myself thru anymore. At

this point I want nothing further to do with . She is a hateful, nasty

person and I don't care if she has mental problems or not. What she has put

me and my grandsons thru is despicable.

If I was overprotective of her at 13, and this is the price I now have to

pay, well she can just get over it. Actually reading what I just wrote is

laughable.

I was too sick to go to the counselor, but she talked to me and prayed for me

over the phone and afterward I felt much better in all ways. She gave me

some things to read in the Bible which I will be doing tonight.

Thanks to all.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Good for you Jean...there you go, you have had enough....you are getting to the

point my mom was at....I have something I want to email you offlist is that ok?

It is a poem about BPD's feel...or if it is ok with whoever has this group, can

I post it here, it is rather in depth...

cascorsam@... wrote:

No, I am not going to send her a birthday card. Why would I send a birthday

card to someone who goes out of their way looking up state statutes here to

keep me away from her house. Let her take her hatred and let it keep her warm

on her birthday.

I have been sick as a dog since late yesterday afternoon. I have done

nothing but sleep and was doubled over with stomach cramps for most of the day.

I

am emotionally drained from this and I am not putting myself thru anymore. At

this point I want nothing further to do with . She is a hateful, nasty

person and I don't care if she has mental problems or not. What she has put

me and my grandsons thru is despicable.

If I was overprotective of her at 13, and this is the price I now have to

pay, well she can just get over it. Actually reading what I just wrote is

laughable.

I was too sick to go to the counselor, but she talked to me and prayed for me

over the phone and afterward I felt much better in all ways. She gave me

some things to read in the Bible which I will be doing tonight.

Thanks to all.

Jean

[Guest guest]

I am sorry you are sick. I wish you a speedy recovery! and send you many germ

free hugs!

As for what happened when she was 13, no that did not MAKE her the way she is,

it may have contributed in her co-dependency on you or vice versa, but if she

did not allready have problems, mentally, she would have been ok!

Give yourself a break mentally and physically! You are sick, read, watch tv,

sip hot soup and hot tea, and REST! you need it!

Hugs

Kelley

Re:

No, I am not going to send her a birthday card. Why would I send a birthday

card to someone who goes out of their way looking up state statutes here to

keep me away from her house. Let her take her hatred and let it keep her warm

on her birthday.

I have been sick as a dog since late yesterday afternoon. I have done

nothing but sleep and was doubled over with stomach cramps for most of the

day. I

am emotionally drained from this and I am not putting myself thru anymore. At

this point I want nothing further to do with . She is a hateful, nasty

person and I don't care if she has mental problems or not. What she has put

me and my grandsons thru is despicable.

If I was overprotective of her at 13, and this is the price I now have to

pay, well she can just get over it. Actually reading what I just wrote is

laughable.

I was too sick to go to the counselor, but she talked to me and prayed for me

over the phone and afterward I felt much better in all ways. She gave me

some things to read in the Bible which I will be doing tonight.

Thanks to all.

Jean

[Guest guest]

,

please post it for all to read! I dont run the list or anything but would like

to see it, or if it is posted somewhere online the link to it!

Hgus

kelley

Re:

Good for you Jean...there you go, you have had enough....you are getting to

the point my mom was at....I have something I want to email you offlist is that

ok? It is a poem about BPD's feel...or if it is ok with whoever has this group,

can I post it here, it is rather in depth...

cascorsam@... wrote:

No, I am not going to send her a birthday card. Why would I send a birthday

card to someone who goes out of their way looking up state statutes here to

keep me away from her house. Let her take her hatred and let it keep her warm

on her birthday.

I have been sick as a dog since late yesterday afternoon. I have done

nothing but sleep and was doubled over with stomach cramps for most of the

day. I

am emotionally drained from this and I am not putting myself thru anymore. At

this point I want nothing further to do with . She is a hateful, nasty

person and I don't care if she has mental problems or not. What she has put

me and my grandsons thru is despicable.

If I was overprotective of her at 13, and this is the price I now have to

pay, well she can just get over it. Actually reading what I just wrote is

laughable.

I was too sick to go to the counselor, but she talked to me and prayed for me

over the phone and afterward I felt much better in all ways. She gave me

some things to read in the Bible which I will be doing tonight.

Thanks to all.

Jean

[Guest guest]

This is one of them, that my co-owner posted on my forum....

Rage from nowhere, attached to nothing.... floating-freely from deep within me

and ready in an instant to spew forth in what seem like instaneously-effortless

bursts of entitlement to give me a sense of power admist the feelings of

helplessness that are my every waking moment. If I am helpless you are too

powerful, no, I will be powerful. I will take your power away so you can be

helpless. I don't like helpless. I am power. I must have the power. We can't

both have the power. I want what is mine. You are mine right? I am not yours

though, I cannot be anybody's because I am not even my own. I gave myself to

you. We are each other right? I mean, what's the difference?

Fear stikes me from all corners of my being. What, what is it that I am not

seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only

one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely

this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can't be my problem. I am

not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you..... NO!! ....I am

strong and I don't need you. If you let me need you I won't want you anymore.

And if you say I can't have you then I've got to have you. If you let me have

you then I don't want you anymore. I want you when you don't want me and I need

you when you won't help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance

that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me

the illusion of safety. If I were truly safe I'd be exposed and not safe at all.

Get away by coming closer and come closer by getting away. I am exposed most

when I hide and hidden when I try to be who I

think I am.

Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and

everyone is me. Who am I again? Oh yea, that person, and that person, and what

this person, and this person, want. Where does that leave me when I am alone?

Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off of

whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?

What is wrong with the world? Why can't they see my pain? Don't they know how

incredibly much I hurt? Can't they see that I need them to hold some of this

pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony.

Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn't do this to

me. I didn't choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain

and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What

do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me.....but I

NEED it.....what am I to do? I don't know what to do so I put it beside me.

Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there....and it builds over the course of a

lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don't feel it at

all. I need to get what I need. I'll die if I don't. I'll just die. I am dying

to live and in my attempts to live I die.

And so I have remained trapped inside this isolated, and insulated place of

youth stunted in my emotional growth. I am a victim. It is not my fault. I hurt

and I hurt and I hurt. Why don't you care? Why don't you care? Make it go away.

Make it stop, just love me from over there. Love me, but don't you dare really

care. It would hurt too much if you were to care. I wouldn't understand who you

were caring for or about because I don't know who I am. I hate who I am and what

I am. I hate whoever the hell I am. I have come to hate what it is that I might

be, or sometimes am. I don't like the voided vaccum within which I feel like my

being exists under a glass bubble. So close, yet so far away from others am I.

So close, yet so far away, from whoever I am, am I. Who are you trying to care

about? What does that mean, that you want to care about me? It would mean that I

needed you to care. I don't need you to care but I am dying for you to care.

Still, care from over there and don't act like

I need you.

Rescue me, by leaving me alone...it'll kill me. Leave me alone but rescue me. I

need you to rescue me if I am to live. I am not alive. I am dead. I am dead when

I try to be alive. I am alive when I act like I'm so dead I can't feel anything.

There is such a sharp feel to the pain of numbness. Feeling the absence of

myself like this. Where do the feelings go? Where does all of that pain hide? I

dissociate from all that hurts. I give it to others. It is their fault, and

their problem, not mine. Help me, while you leave me alone. Leave me alone while

you help me. NOW!

I am the center of the universe. Yes I am. I am it and it is me. I will act this

way too, if I feel like it. No, you can't win. I will win. I'll get you coming

and I'll get you going and there will be no way that you can win. I must always

win. I need to control because I feel so helplessly out of control, but you

can't know that. You can't know that okay, you don't know that about me. I don't

know that about me. I don't know you and cause I don't know me. You can't know

me either. No, I won't let you in to a place that I have yet to gain access to.

No, me first.

Who am I? I thought I knew just a minute ago. Then, suddenly nothing felt

familiar anymore. Nothing felt okay anymore: nothing felt SAFE anymore - nothing

felt as it had before. Why does this happen and what does it mean? What do you

mean you don't know? You are supposed to know. I expect you to know. And if I

expect it then I have a right to demand it from you. Don't go asking me for

anything, NO, it depends how I feel, and what I believe in any given

moment...you just never can know cause I never know what I'll do or say or feel.

Every moment changes and shifts from one to the next. What is real, what is

truth, whether or not I think I can take care of myself or what I feel, or right

or wrong, from minute to minute changes, so I really just don't know. I don't

care to know. Don't bother me about it. Leave me alone, just stay here. And be

quiet while you talk to me. Talk to me silently. Words can hurt. Don't be too

quiet in your silence though, because silence can kill a soul. I

know, it killed mine over and over again. Dead, time and time again, risen

hopes, only to fall and to die, unanswered, arms outstretched, never reached

for, never grasped, arms that hung outstretched while a little boy screamed in

terror and fear and had more need than any infant could possibly bear to hold.

Arms...that had to hold themsleves, suspended in mid air, left alone, ignored.

Arms that would take another 10 years to ever dare to reach out again. So hold

me, and rock me, rock me to stillness. gently okay, just don't touch me really,

you know?

Truth, you want to talk truth? Whose truth, yours or mine? Is there a truth

between? No, my truth is truth. Your idea of truth is a lie. I don't lie. If I

don't lie and our truths aren't the same that makes you a liar. Does so....just

does. If I am right then you are wrong. Yes you are. No I'm not. If I am good

then you are bad if you don't agree with me and or see things my way. My way

isn't just right, it is the only way. What matters is what I want and need.

That's my truth. And my truth is the truth. Don't you even try to lie to me,

don't...

What is real and important one minute is fragile and or gone and or

misunderstood-misperceived and mis-interpreted by me the next minute. I don't

know why? You were here a minute ago and it mattered. But then you left. While

you were gone for three minutes and fifty-four seconds, I forgot that you

mattered to me and now I find it incredibly impossible to believe that you could

love me and leave me just like that for three minutes and fifty-four

seconds...to wait and to suffer like that, alone, isolated and afraid. Don't

ever do that again. Promise me! Do you have any idea what you put me through? My

friends and girlfriend left me like that. It's not alright for you to just be

you and not be me -- while I'm being you too. Things keep changing. I can't hold

anymore than I am. whether I am holding anything or not.

You live in a " big picture. " Life, so I am told unfolds in some " big picture " of

reality. I live in millions of little pictures. Millions of pieces of reality.

Snap shots from the whole, fragmented seconds of minutes that seem to encompass

hours. I can't tell what is going on around me like you do. No, it does not make

sense to me. Part of this picture lined up with part of that one...what am I

supposed to see? What can I know

from these mixed up jigsaw puzzle messages? I get part of it. I don't understand

the rest. First you seem to make sense, then you don't so I get angry and

frustrated. In one part of the picture I care about you but in another part of

the picture I remember out of context when you said this or that and then I

can't trust you anymore, or not until the next moment when two picture pieces

fit briefly together. This is my experience. So one minute I want you close,

from a distance and the next minute I want you distantly-close. This is what is

going on inside of me. I don't want to hurt you like I do I just don't know how

to make sense of all of these jumbled messages and fragmented pictures that

bombard my mind constantly with images and thoughts that do not fit together,

not now, not ever, hardly ever anyway. If memories are pictures of the way

things were (or the way things are?)then my memories, like strewn screams, echo

to a voided-abyss in a cavernous canyon. Imagine all of that

sound overlapping itself. Could you hear me then, any better than I can hear

you now?

Kelley wrote:

,

please post it for all to read! I dont run the list or anything but would like

to see it, or if it is posted somewhere online the link to it!

Hgus

kelley

Re:

Good for you Jean...there you go, you have had enough....you are getting to

the point my mom was at....I have something I want to email you offlist is that

ok? It is a poem about BPD's feel...or if it is ok with whoever has this group,

can I post it here, it is rather in depth...

cascorsam@... wrote:

No, I am not going to send her a birthday card. Why would I send a birthday

card to someone who goes out of their way looking up state statutes here to

keep me away from her house. Let her take her hatred and let it keep her warm

on her birthday.

I have been sick as a dog since late yesterday afternoon. I have done

nothing but sleep and was doubled over with stomach cramps for most of the

day. I

am emotionally drained from this and I am not putting myself thru anymore. At

this point I want nothing further to do with . She is a hateful, nasty

person and I don't care if she has mental problems or not. What she has put

me and my grandsons thru is despicable.

If I was overprotective of her at 13, and this is the price I now have to

pay, well she can just get over it. Actually reading what I just wrote is

laughable.

I was too sick to go to the counselor, but she talked to me and prayed for me

over the phone and afterward I felt much better in all ways. She gave me

some things to read in the Bible which I will be doing tonight.

Thanks to all.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Here is another one I have posted on my website?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Forum I am starting a forum for people with BPD and also their spouses that

aren't, here is the link....http://susanhillman.proboards43.com/

10:51 pm edt

Hello all Hello everybody, my name is and I am a 36 year old single mother

that is recovering from BPD, and my 16 year old has been diagnosed with it, here

is my journey.

8:43 pm edt

2005.04.01

Here you will learn about my battle with BPD, and how I came through it and how

I am coming through it now as a single mother...it is a battle every day, but I

love life now! I also have a forum for help...here is the

link..http://susanhillman.proboards43.com/ it is a forum called personality

disorder

On this home page, I will do my story and how I overcame to how I came to the

some what normal life I have now...

What does BPD feel like?

My mind is my prison

a life sentence for my crimes

I am tortured by my thoughts,

No one hears my pleas for help.

Each day I fall further into an abyss,

helpless in my agony,

wanting happiness,

and pushing it away.

I drown in a sea of emptiness,

to be empty is to be safe,

to be numb

rather than to be at risk.

I surround myself in darkness,

I try to hide the ugliness in my soul,

wanting to disappear,

waiting for my feelings to swallow me whole.

Trapped as I sink,

disappearing,

into nothing,

as I vanish into insanity.

Kelley wrote:

,

please post it for all to read! I dont run the list or anything but would like

to see it, or if it is posted somewhere online the link to it!

Hgus

kelley

Re:

Good for you Jean...there you go, you have had enough....you are getting to

the point my mom was at....I have something I want to email you offlist is that

ok? It is a poem about BPD's feel...or if it is ok with whoever has this group,

can I post it here, it is rather in depth...

cascorsam@... wrote:

No, I am not going to send her a birthday card. Why would I send a birthday

card to someone who goes out of their way looking up state statutes here to

keep me away from her house. Let her take her hatred and let it keep her warm

on her birthday.

I have been sick as a dog since late yesterday afternoon. I have done

nothing but sleep and was doubled over with stomach cramps for most of the

day. I

am emotionally drained from this and I am not putting myself thru anymore. At

this point I want nothing further to do with . She is a hateful, nasty

person and I don't care if she has mental problems or not. What she has put

me and my grandsons thru is despicable.

If I was overprotective of her at 13, and this is the price I now have to

pay, well she can just get over it. Actually reading what I just wrote is

laughable.

I was too sick to go to the counselor, but she talked to me and prayed for me

over the phone and afterward I felt much better in all ways. She gave me

some things to read in the Bible which I will be doing tonight.

Thanks to all.

Jean

[Guest guest]

I cannot believe that anyone who thinks like this can ever be cured of this.

From that post their thinking is ALL OVER THE PLACE. How in God's name did

you and ever get your thinking patterns straightened out? is this

the way you thought?? And do you also identify with this person 's

assessment of how they felt?

Am I to assume that my daughter now feels she has the power? That by taking

away the kids she has the power over me? Well I guess she is correct. Because

she has brought me to my knees. Now that she has it, what will she do with

it??????

Jean

[Guest guest]

I read the article on your website about the name change for BPD. It makes

sense. Also, you put that whole website together?? I wouldn't even have a

clue as to where to begin doing something like that. You're a smart young lady.

Jean

[Guest guest]

It would have been better if my daughter had physically abused me rather than

the emotional pain she is putting me through.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Does anyone know if borderlines feel any guilt over what they do to other

people? Isn't guilt a function of the superego? And if they feel no guilt

wouldn't that indicate an impairment of the development of the superego?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Hope you are feeling better, physically and mentally. Lord knows you

need to.

Debbie

[Guest guest]

I just learned that the 4 month sentence that dirt bag got last week when I

went to court has been appealed. That means he won't be serving it till he

goes to trial on it again and is convicted all over again. So that means he

will

be getting out in about a month or less.

When I heard this I started crying to myself and saying that I just could not

go thru this any more and then I heard what seemed to be a voice say, " Let it

go " . Have any of you had things like that happen to you?

Jean