Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Who knows when she'll get tired of him? Forever is an awfully long time, and I wouldn't think that much of anything lasts forever!!! LOL Just personally speaking, if it were me (back in those awful days), or what I see in my bp dtr., once she finally realizes he's pulling her down and may be the reason she's living on the street, she will turn on him. Actually, having him gone means she's out from under his constant influence and may precipitate her moving on. Don't be surprised however, if she chooses another just as nasty. Why? Because her core issues remain unresolved. Do what you can for the grandkids, and move on. You'll be much happier for it. Re: And when exactly will she get tired of him? Or is this going to go on forever? Will she balme him when she's living in the street? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Jean You never should have paid the back rent, friend or not, you should have encourged your friend to file a lawsuit to collect that and the damanges....hind sight is 20/20! but its your daughters responsibilty friend or no friend! Hugs Kelley Re: I was concerned because I was sure she would call me screaming about having dirtbag picked up, but my son said she is so used to me not following thru on anything, she probably doesn't even think I'm the one who called. MY son thinks my daughter thinks I'm too stupid to ever do anything like this, since I have always been the idiot who rescued her no matter what she did to me. And I agree with Kelley; she is probably very busy now trying to plan a way to get him released. No matter how much of her money (that should be paying the bills) it takes. After all, Mom will just replenish it when it's gone, right???? WRONG!!!!!!!!! I remembered a few years ago, when was about a yr old, my friend who had been renting an apartment in a 3 unit she owned, called me to tell me had skipped out without paying her that month' s rent and had also trashed the apartment. Let's see, she was 26 then. I had to end up paying my friend the rent and her ins covered the damage. I hadn't heard from in about a month and then like nothing at all had happened, I got a call from her telling me 's father was in jail and she had no one to watch while she worked and would I. I wasn't too close to at the time, didn't see him often and had not really bonded with him yet, but I agreed to babysit. She never made any reference to the apt situation and when I asked her why she didn't pay the last month's rent and why she damamged the apt she told me my friend was lying. I didn't beliee her, but didn't feel like arguing with her. I just find it so odd, that they can act like nothing has happened and then ask for a favor or money or whatever after having blown us off previously. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Gotta agree with Kelley; HOWEVER, I realize that would be very hard to do, as you must have felt a responsibility as the lady was your friend, and you wanted to preserve that friendship. Hard situation. Re: Jean You never should have paid the back rent, friend or not, you should have encourged your friend to file a lawsuit to collect that and the damanges....hind sight is 20/20! but its your daughters responsibilty friend or no friend! Hugs Kelley Re: I was concerned because I was sure she would call me screaming about having dirtbag picked up, but my son said she is so used to me not following thru on anything, she probably doesn't even think I'm the one who called. MY son thinks my daughter thinks I'm too stupid to ever do anything like this, since I have always been the idiot who rescued her no matter what she did to me. And I agree with Kelley; she is probably very busy now trying to plan a way to get him released. No matter how much of her money (that should be paying the bills) it takes. After all, Mom will just replenish it when it's gone, right???? WRONG!!!!!!!!! I remembered a few years ago, when was about a yr old, my friend who had been renting an apartment in a 3 unit she owned, called me to tell me had skipped out without paying her that month' s rent and had also trashed the apartment. Let's see, she was 26 then. I had to end up paying my friend the rent and her ins covered the damage. I hadn't heard from in about a month and then like nothing at all had happened, I got a call from her telling me 's father was in jail and she had no one to watch while she worked and would I. I wasn't too close to at the time, didn't see him often and had not really bonded with him yet, but I agreed to babysit. She never made any reference to the apt situation and when I asked her why she didn't pay the last month's rent and why she damamged the apt she told me my friend was lying. I didn't beliee her, but didn't feel like arguing with her. I just find it so odd, that they can act like nothing has happened and then ask for a favor or money or whatever after having blown us off previously. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 I went to my office today to turn all the listing paperwork and to pick up mail that had been there. Since my daughter had worked with me up until all this with dirtbag started and I told her she was on her own, we had shared a mailbox there for inter office mail. When I went in, I decided it was time to separate the mail, so I tactfully asked if perhaps and I could have differnt mail slots since I don't go in that often (I work out of my home office), the slot gets really stuffed. The secretary said that called last week to say she was not talking to me and didn't want to share a mail slot with me. The secretary said she was a real B---- about it. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Jean LOL thats why I said in hind site....now you ahve learned a valuable lesson! You are getting there! Hugs Kelley Re: Kelley That was 5 years ago that I paid the owed rent. I haven't been THAT stupid in a while. And thanks to this group I will not be stupid at all in the future. In fact I'm looking forward to saying " No, sorry I cannot help you " . Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Why? Why? Does she feel it is necessary to air her dirty laundry in public? If I got started it wouldn't be me who would look like the idiot. What does she gain by doing this? Wouldn't she just be compromising herself with the other agents? Doesn't she think about integrity or trust, that people might not want to work with someone who is married to a con and that she looks like she has a few screws loose for being in a relationship with someone like that? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Kelley It is a group or realtors in the office. Some of us are on the 100% plan, where we pay a monthly fee and keep the whole commission. Others are on the conventional 50/50 split. She is on the split, so when she makes a commission, the company gets 1/2 of it. But she hasn't sold anything in over 5 months. She used to work for me and I paid her fees and I paid her. She would work with buyers who called on my listings. She was doing well, until last spring when she hooked up with him and went to Las Vegas for almost 1 month and then just didn't work after that. Since last JUne, she has sold 1 house, which is why she had to go back to waitressing and then I subsidized her so she could make the mortgage payments, because she told me dirtbag wasn't coming back, that she was thru with him. She lied threw her teeth to get me to pay the mortgage. ANd I didn't want the kids living in a bad neighborhood. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 She's getting close. They won't " carry " her much longer. And since it's pointless to give her my buyers, whom she does nothing for when she is in one of these downward spirals, she'll have no way of making money. In this type of real estate office, there is no conventional " phone time " so she has no way to get buyers, unless she manages to get a listing, advertises it and secures potential buyers from that. But real estate takes a lot of effort and follow thru. And believe me, when there is no dirt bag in her life she can be GOOD at this business, but when she is with one of them, she seems to deteriorate to such a point that she can do nothing right. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 I have been thinking that understanding this disease really won't and can't make any difference. Whether it's the disease that makes her act this way or just her acting this way, the bottom line is the same. I realize that I can NEVER have a relationship with my daughter. I will never allow myself to trust her or anything she says again. When I see what many of you write about believing the opposite of what your bps tell you, that's no way to have a relationship. I want a daughter I can trust. In any relationship, being able to trust the oerson is paramount. I will never be able to with her, so there can be no relationship. I guess I need to mourn for the death of any relationship also. Basically, I have no daughter. She is just some bizarre stranger. What is it that most of you are hanging onto with your daughters? Mine is obviously a body with no soul, no essence, she's just there-----but not. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Let it slide--my bp is notorious for getting people to believe all sorts of crazy things about me. Your secretary will see the truth given enough time. Re: I went to my office today to turn all the listing paperwork and to pick up mail that had been there. Since my daughter had worked with me up until all this with dirtbag started and I told her she was on her own, we had shared a mailbox there for inter office mail. When I went in, I decided it was time to separate the mail, so I tactfully asked if perhaps and I could have differnt mail slots since I don't go in that often (I work out of my home office), the slot gets really stuffed. The secretary said that called last week to say she was not talking to me and didn't want to share a mail slot with me. The secretary said she was a real B---- about it. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 29, 2005 Jean If it is your office and she doesnt pay rent why shoud she even have a mail slot? Hugs Kelley Re: I went to my office today to turn all the listing paperwork and to pick up mail that had been there. Since my daughter had worked with me up until all this with dirtbag started and I told her she was on her own, we had shared a mailbox there for inter office mail. When I went in, I decided it was time to separate the mail, so I tactfully asked if perhaps and I could have differnt mail slots since I don't go in that often (I work out of my home office), the slot gets really stuffed. The secretary said that called last week to say she was not talking to me and didn't want to share a mail slot with me. The secretary said she was a real B---- about it. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 She thinks if she tells others what she's going through it will do something for her: mainly, make her look " good " because you're so bad, supposedly. I seriously doubt that she even connects it with personal integrity because bp's compartmentalize everything. The compartment that her " work " is in, is separate from how she views her personal integrity. It is complicated, and there are so many nuances to bp I'd really suggest you buy as many books as you can read in order to better understand your dtr's illness. If you do, you will find that things are easier to understand . . . and easier to forgive. I think getting educated will also be greatly instrumental in helping you move on in your own personal life. I to have to tell you that when I struggled with bp, telling other people what I was going through, especially my parents, was almost a compulsion. I had to really struggle NOT to do that! I don't know if it was because I wanted their approval so badly, or what, but when I told them what was going on, I ALWAYS lied to make myself look better. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 No She thinks she is making people think badly about you, but she isnt. The quieter you are the better you are. These people are allready telling you she is being a bitch or bitchy so you know what they are thinking of what she is telling. This is called a degradation campaign in books like SWOE, and it is very common Hugs Kelley Re: Why? Why? Does she feel it is necessary to air her dirty laundry in public? If I got started it wouldn't be me who would look like the idiot. What does she gain by doing this? Wouldn't she just be compromising herself with the other agents? Doesn't she think about integrity or trust, that people might not want to work with someone who is married to a con and that she looks like she has a few screws loose for being in a relationship with someone like that? Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Ahhh I see, is there some time limit to use the place as an office without a sale? Kelley Re: Kelley It is a group or realtors in the office. Some of us are on the 100% plan, where we pay a monthly fee and keep the whole commission. Others are on the conventional 50/50 split. She is on the split, so when she makes a commission, the company gets 1/2 of it. But she hasn't sold anything in over 5 months. She used to work for me and I paid her fees and I paid her. She would work with buyers who called on my listings. She was doing well, until last spring when she hooked up with him and went to Las Vegas for almost 1 month and then just didn't work after that. Since last JUne, she has sold 1 house, which is why she had to go back to waitressing and then I subsidized her so she could make the mortgage payments, because she told me dirtbag wasn't coming back, that she was thru with him. She lied threw her teeth to get me to pay the mortgage. ANd I didn't want the kids living in a bad neighborhood. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 The reason I urge you to learn as much as you can about the disease is NOT so you can hope more that she will change, but so that you can understand better what is happening to YOU, and how she affects your actions and emotions. Whether she ever changes or not, whether you ever have a relationship with her or not, is not the point, and at this point is moot. Learning what you can gives YOU a measure of peace, and the ability to break away graceful, and put to rest some of the anger and bitterness you feel. What if your child was autistic? Wouldn't you want to learn more about the disease? Yes, learning would help the child, but even more than that, it would help YOU because you could understand better where the behavior is coming from and not take is so personally. Although it may be difficult to see it now, I don't believe your dtr's behavior toward you is personal. Wait, wait! Before you huff up, listen! Bp is all--like almost 100%--about themselves. And if you never understand anything else about the disease, understand that and all the ramifications of that. The revelation of that single fact can give you much peace and help you let go of your obsession with being involved in her life. Re: I have been thinking that understanding this disease really won't and can't make any difference. Whether it's the disease that makes her act this way or just her acting this way, the bottom line is the same. I realize that I can NEVER have a relationship with my daughter. I will never allow myself to trust her or anything she says again. When I see what many of you write about believing the opposite of what your bps tell you, that's no way to have a relationship. I want a daughter I can trust. In any relationship, being able to trust the oerson is paramount. I will never be able to with her, so there can be no relationship. I guess I need to mourn for the death of any relationship also. Basically, I have no daughter. She is just some bizarre stranger. What is it that most of you are hanging onto with your daughters? Mine is obviously a body with no soul, no essence, she's just there-----but not. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Hope Jan Re: > > I have been thinking that understanding this disease really won't and can't > make any difference. Whether it's the disease that makes her act this way or > just her acting this way, the bottom line is the same. I realize that I can > NEVER have a relationship with my daughter. I will never allow myself to trust > her or anything she says again. When I see what many of you write about > believing the opposite of what your bps tell you, that's no way to have a > relationship. > > I want a daughter I can trust. In any relationship, being able to trust the > oerson is paramount. I will never be able to with her, so there can be no > relationship. I guess I need to mourn for the death of any relationship also. > Basically, I have no daughter. She is just some bizarre stranger. What is it > that most of you are hanging onto with your daughters? > Mine is obviously a body with no soul, no essence, she's just there-----but > not. > > Jean > > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 My situation with my daughter is no different than yours, mine is 18, and I feel as you do, that I have lost the little girl I once knew, and have lost the relationship that we did have. What we hang onto is the HOPE that we will get them back, someday, somewhere. There are those days when all is well, she is the person I once knew, so we see this glimmer of hope. But its just the game, and you get caught in the moment. That's all. Debbie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 You are obviosly a religious person. I lost my faith because of this situation and it wasn't all that strong in the first place. All during my daughter's entanglement with the ghetto people and more specifically the father of the boys, I used to pray and pray for her safety and her return to sanity and her health during her pregnancies. During the three to four yr period when she was seemingly back to normal, I would thank God each and every night in my prayers for having brought her back to me. And then last Spring when it started all over again, I thought it was some joke God was playing on me. That I had given thanks over and over again, and HIS response was to have it all come crashing down again. So, this is why I feel God has turned a deaf ear to me and any prayers I might have. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 I think it is wonderful that your daughter gave you that glimmer of hope. I know that's how I felt when was back to " normal " for that extended period. It was so wonderful, and peaceful. I hope you get to see more good moments with your daughter. I know how much you love her. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Jean I do agree with about learning about this. It gives you the peace of mind to validate your own feelings on whats happening! Hugs Kelley Re: I have been thinking that understanding this disease really won't and can't make any difference. Whether it's the disease that makes her act this way or just her acting this way, the bottom line is the same. I realize that I can NEVER have a relationship with my daughter. I will never allow myself to trust her or anything she says again. When I see what many of you write about believing the opposite of what your bps tell you, that's no way to have a relationship. I want a daughter I can trust. In any relationship, being able to trust the oerson is paramount. I will never be able to with her, so there can be no relationship. I guess I need to mourn for the death of any relationship also. Basically, I have no daughter. She is just some bizarre stranger. What is it that most of you are hanging onto with your daughters? Mine is obviously a body with no soul, no essence, she's just there-----but not. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Friends-- Ah, speaking of glimmers of light in the night . . . my husband, non-bp dtr and I were eating at a local steak house last night, when my husband's cell phone rang. It was our bp dtr, calling from work during a slow period. I braced myself, wondering what she was going to hit me up for this time. But, amazingly enough, she just called to chat!! She didn't drop any of those little tiny bits and pieces of things that are guaranteed to stir one up; she didn't ask for money; she didn't ask for food, for laundry detergent--she just wanted to talk! After I crawled back into my chair off the floor, I just enjoyed the moment. It might be months before that ever happens again, but it is moments like these (among other things) that continue to give me hope for her recovery. Re: My situation with my daughter is no different than yours, mine is 18, and I feel as you do, that I have lost the little girl I once knew, and have lost the relationship that we did have. What we hang onto is the HOPE that we will get them back, someday, somewhere. There are those days when all is well, she is the person I once knew, so we see this glimmer of hope. But its just the game, and you get caught in the moment. That's all. Debbie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Actually, I don't particularly care to think of myself as a " religious " person; rather, am simply a person who has a personal faith. To me, " religious " means something affected and contrived. Perhaps at some point in the future, you may rediscover your own personal faith. Throughout history, many have not seen the hand of God in what happens. That doesn't make Him any less real. I have personally found my faith to be a source of strength, peace and inspiration, and gives me courage to face whatever life deals me in the future. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Thanks, I hope I get to see more of this, too, but I'm not expecting it. Tomorrow, she may call and cuss me out. I take what I can, when I can. Such is the disease . . . Re: I think it is wonderful that your daughter gave you that glimmer of hope. I know that's how I felt when was back to " normal " for that extended period. It was so wonderful, and peaceful. I hope you get to see more good moments with your daughter. I know how much you love her. Jean Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 30, 2005 Woo hoo aren't those moments of sanity soooo nice! Hugs Kelley Re: My situation with my daughter is no different than yours, mine is 18, and I feel as you do, that I have lost the little girl I once knew, and have lost the relationship that we did have. What we hang onto is the HOPE that we will get them back, someday, somewhere. There are those days when all is well, she is the person I once knew, so we see this glimmer of hope. But its just the game, and you get caught in the moment. That's all. Debbie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest guest Report post Posted March 31, 2005 , The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. The phone rang at work and it was my daughter (which usually gives me a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach) and I was thinking " what crisis is it now? " She just called to see how I was feeling because I had been sick over the week end with a cold! She just called to talk! She ended the call by saying, " I love you, Mom " That simple thing meant the world to me! That's why we put up with all the crap and drama, because of these small break throughs! The things that make us never give up hope! Jan Re: > > > > My situation with my daughter is no different than yours, mine is 18, > and > I feel as you do, that I have lost the little girl I once knew, and have > lost the relationship that we did have. What we hang onto is the HOPE that > we > will get them back, someday, somewhere. > There are those days when all is well, she is the person I once knew, so we > > see this glimmer of hope. But its just the game, and you get caught in the > > moment. That's all. > Debbie > > > Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites