Re: HELP

[Guest guest]

That seems to be the constant theme on this board. " I just want a normal

family. " Unfortunately it will not happen. I am going through a similar

situation with my bada (brother) with respect to the nastiness. It is so

freaking hard not to pick up the phone and rip them a new one right back. I wish

I had advice to give you but I am still just trying to figure out how to

navigate my own situation. I think we have to work on accepting that our

families are extremely dysfunctional and that there is no amount of explaination

that will work to get them to see us as we are not as they want us to be to suit

their own selfish needs and twisted perceptions. If you are close to your sister

then I would reccomend that you become a solid front against the family, set

your boundaries collectively and work to support each other through this. Your

aunt is WAAAAAY out of line, but that is to be expected. I find comfort in

knowing everything I can about BPD and NPD. The

more I know the better prepared I am to counter the bullshit and deflect its

effects.

Some of the strategies that  have been posted that I think are very useful

involve deflection.

If a family member attacks you for being an ungrateful child, your response

should be along the lines of: " You don't know the whole story " or " Do you think

that really sounds like me? " This last one I think is particularly effective,

because it throws it back into their laps and forces them to answer you

honestly. If they don't answer the question directly, you still have an answer.

OUR FAMILIES WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THEY THINK THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH

THEM OR THEIR BEHAVIOR. Their sense of entitlement with respect to their

destructive actions is unthinkable to most normal people.

I think I will get this put on a bumper sticker and plaster it on my bathroom

mirror so that I see it every day.. This is our reality. It sucks, but so do

hurricanes. All we need to do is survive and thrive without them. I hope this

helps.

Be strong

HELP

Hi my name is and this is the first time I have posted on

this blog. My sister found this site and I know that she has found

some solice so I am going to give this a try. My mother is a very

sick person who is feeding off a very toxic relationship with her

equally sick sister who she lives with. My mother is very codependent

and needs constant attention good or bad. Lately things have gotten

so bad that for the safety and sanity of my own family which consists

of myself, my husband, my daughter who is 11 and my son who is 9(who

by the way is handicapped and requires 24 hour care)that I have had

to put some distance between her and I. She says that she has no idea

what she has done so my sister had the guts and the extreme patience

of writing her a letter describing all of the issues that she has

with her behavior. WELL that has now sparked my aunt who lives with

her to send my sister a 3 page letter just ripping her, myself and

our husbands apart. I just don't know how to deal with this. Our

family seems to be so oblivious to my mothers sickness. My sister and

I are being made out to be monsters. I can handle most of the

criticism I have dealt with this for many years but I am completely

upset that my sister is having to deal with some really harsh things

being hurled her way. I want to pick up the phone and call my family

but I know that that will just lead to more letters or nasty calls. I

just want my mom to get the help that she needs and for our family to

be a real family again. If anyone has any suggestions I am open to

any. Thanks for listening to my rambling post.

[Guest guest]

You are fortunate to have realized it now. My kids are 20 and 24 and I

just figured it out...That means years of not being there totally for

my children. Be strong, know your priorities and be around people who

reflect the good qualities that you see in yourself. You're like a

sponge soaking up her sick view of you(at least that's what I tell

myself when I feel guilty). Remember, her reality is different than

yours and you won't ever be able to make her understand that. I just

know that i try to set boundaries and keep them. It doesn't have to be

OK with her, I don't need her permission to take care of myself

(besides, I'd never get it anyways).

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