Re: 5 reasons I caused his autism:

[Guest guest]

Thought I should come out of lurkdom to say that I also caused my

children's autism. I know because it is apparent that my family gets

together from time to time and decides a new reason why my kids are

the way they are. They then come over and begin interventions based

on these new revelations. There was the " they just are not strict

enough " which led to them all being really hardnosed and inflexible

with my son (which of course led to meltdowns), then there was

the " they just need to boost his self-esteem " which led to them

coming over and talking endlessly about how wonderful he was

everytime he turned around. The latest occured the other day. My

older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old

hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone

formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't

talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing.

Meggie old lady

9 AS

2 autistic

8 months

[Guest guest]

The latest occured the other day. My

> older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old

> hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone

> formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't

> talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him,

> blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

OOH, I hate this one because naturally Putter, fourth child in the family

got that one a lot. It isn't just talking either; if Putter simply hadn't

talked but had done everything else in a fairly normal way I would not have

worried.

And frankly your brother in law is probably on the spectrum somewhere too

but they just refuse to admit it because he probably functions well enough.

So does Bill Gates.

>

> Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing.

>

They do mean well, I imagine, although the hardnosed phase would have really

bugged me. The self-esteem phase was probably silly especially if your

Aspie son, like my Aspie son, didn't give a hoot about their opinion, but at

least it wasn't actively harmful.

Salli

[Guest guest]

Wow, makes sense! I never thought about it that way.

Tracey

> I think the psych term is " blaming the victim " .

> Autism is scary. Other parents want to find a reason

> for Autism so they can assure themselves that it won't

> happen in their family. Something like " Well I don't

> treat my children that way, therefore they won't be

> Autistic. " Also, I think sometimes people are

> actually trying to help, they just don't know what the

> hell they are talking about.

>

> Tuna

>

> =====

> " Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. "

> Whoopi Goldberg

>

> ______________________________________________________

> Send your holiday cheer with http://greetings.yahoo.ca

[Guest guest]

<<Dave is always asking Matt what exactly is different about Mikey,

and when Matt tells him, Dave explains it away. " Oh that's normal, all kids

go through that. " >>

AHHHHGGGGG!!! That's my pet peeve!!! Almost EVERYONE has told me that about

at one time or another! Drives me insane!!! I had to keep from dancing

around them singing, " I told you so! " when was diagnosed!

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/2654/

I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish he didn't

trust me so much.

[Guest guest]

I got that with Mitchel when he was young, " I babied him too much " " did

too much for him "

BUT.. now that we know... they all back pedaled on those thoughts, which I

suppose is good. I actually have a very supportive family. But before I knew

what it was I blamed me too. Now I don't, I also don't go looking for a 'cause'

-

Kerri

Re: Re: 5 reasons I caused his autism:

The latest occured the other day. My

> older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old

> hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone

> formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't

> talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him,

> blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

OOH, I hate this one because naturally Putter, fourth child in the family

got that one a lot. It isn't just talking either; if Putter simply hadn't

talked but had done everything else in a fairly normal way I would not have

worried.

And frankly your brother in law is probably on the spectrum somewhere too

but they just refuse to admit it because he probably functions well enough.

So does Bill Gates.

>

> Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing.

>

They do mean well, I imagine, although the hardnosed phase would have really

bugged me. The self-esteem phase was probably silly especially if your

Aspie son, like my Aspie son, didn't give a hoot about their opinion, but at

least it wasn't actively harmful.

Salli

[Guest guest]

>> My comebacks usually involve stunned silence and

> walking away. Sigh.>>

Yeah, mine too, unfortunately. But what CAN you say when someone

comes out with something so totally off-base that there is no way to

formulate anything remotely resembling a civil answer....

Raena

[Guest guest]

> >> 3) Simply EXPLAIN to your child that this is not acceptable

behavior...

>

> Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha [falls off

chair].>>

This reminds me of a video I saw one time at a workshop...a really

cute little boy with autism, very verbal...when asked about why he

had been throwing a ball at someone on the playground, he immediately

responded, " That is NOT ACCEPTABLE... "

Everyone in the room burst into laughter...

Raena

[Guest guest]

>Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old

and patronizing.

Meggie & nbsp; old lady<BR>

9 AS<BR>

2 autistic<BR>

8 months<BR>

Meggie,

You said it! You should venture out of lurkdom more

often!

Tuna

=====

" Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. "

Whoopi Goldberg

______________________________________________________________________

Web-hosting solutions for home and business! http://website.yahoo.ca

[Guest guest]

I usually get the opposite: " If you'd had your

children closer together, would have talked

earlier because he'd have someone to talk to. " And

this one hurts because I had a miscarriage in-between

and , so 's autism is my fault

because I had a miscarriage, which was my fault also.

Ug.

Tuna

P.S. The saving grace in all of this is that

doesn't give a hoot for other people's opinions, so

none of this effects him much.

>The latest occured the other day. My older son

answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year

old hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to

him let alone formulating an answer), this led to

explanations of how my bil didn't talk until he was 3

because all his sisters did the talking for him, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah<

>OOH, I hate this one because naturally Putter, fourth

child in the family got that one a lot. It isn't just

talking either; if Putter simply hadn't talked but had

done everything else in a fairly normal way I would

not have worried.<

=====

" Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. "

Whoopi Goldberg

______________________________________________________________________

Web-hosting solutions for home and business! http://website.yahoo.ca

[Guest guest]

> I usually get the opposite: " If you'd had your

> children closer together, would have talked

> earlier because he'd have someone to talk to. " And

> this one hurts because I had a miscarriage in-between

> and , so 's autism is my fault

> because I had a miscarriage, which was my fault also.>>

Tuna,

You know, this sort of callous stupidity shows just how important it

is for people to KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT before they offer

unrequested opinions. In my mind, the perfect response to such smug

insensitivity would be to say exactly what you said here... " Actually,

my kids aren't any closer together because I suffered a miscarriage

between them; I'm sure you don't mean to imply that this is the cause

of 's difficulties...or was in some way my fault " and then

leave THEM standing there in stunned silence for a change.

Easier said than done when it comes about, I know...I never do it

either. But isn't it fun to think about the look on their hopefully

ashamed faces?

Raena (who also had a miscarriage one time...so hard)

[Guest guest]

Hello, Sara, he's seeking deep pressure...Ugh. More

> constructive approach: Pick him up, put him on the trampoline, and

jump

> with him. There ya go, hon. <bad mommy> <bad mommy> <Don't hit

the kid!>

>

> -Sara.

Been there one hundred times. Probably a thousand, but that sounds

like so much more. I so understand. Fatigue, frustration,

aggravation, it all catches up to us once in awhile. You're a very

good mommy Sara. Don't sweat it.

[Guest guest]

Ahhh, I just got off the phone with my mother, telling her about our

difficult morning...

and I got the " Oh, that's just typical child fashion " bit.

I'm going to drink myself senseless tonite, I think (with coffee, of

course). Good thing she's 2500 miles away.

Penny

[Guest guest]

> Ahhh, I just got off the phone with my mother, telling her about our

> difficult morning...

>

> and I got the " Oh, that's just typical child fashion " bit.

Do you hand it right back to her? Occasionally my mom will do that, and my

answer is always along the lines of, " but not EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY. Now cut

it out and just LISTEN to me; I need support!!!!!! " But I have always been

outspoken, so it might be completely offensive to someone else's mother...

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

>>>>>>>

This reminds me of a video I saw one time at a workshop...a really

cute little boy with autism, very verbal...when asked about why he

had been throwing a ball at someone on the playground, he immediately

responded, " That is NOT ACCEPTABLE... "

<<<<<

Yep - That's pretty funny....to people who get it.

tee hee

Penny :-)

[Guest guest]

>P.S. There was a comedian hwo said that stupid be

>should have to wear signs so the rest of us would know

>to stay away from them. Sounds like a good idea to

>me.

The comedian is Bill Engvol, and the CD that has that bit in it is titled

" Here's Your Sign " I HIGHLY HIGHLY reccomend it. It will be the best 10-20 bucks

you've ever spent...it's HYSTERICAL!!!! Go get it, I PROMISE you'll love it.

--

...

Mom to:

, 3, Pro-Wrestler in hiding

, 1, Opera Soprano in-the-making

Missing those beautifully wonderful babies. Without them, the Sun has left my

universe.

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[Guest guest]

>Yeah, mine too, unfortunately. But what CAN you say when someone

>comes out with something so totally off-base that there is no way to

>formulate anything remotely resembling a civil answer....

>

>Raena

>

>Do what I do Raena....give em the UNcivilised answer. If their uncivilised

enough to make a comment about your child, whom they know NOTHING about, you

have the right to be uncivilised back. Go back into the archives and read my

post entitled " The Publix Manager " . You can do a search for it at the group

site.

--

...

Mom to:

, 3, Pro-Wrestler in hiding

, 1, Opera Soprano in-the-making

Missing those beautifully wonderful babies. Without them, the Sun has left my

universe.

__________________________________________________________________

Your favorite stores, helpful shopping tools and great gift ideas. Experience

the convenience of buying online with Shop@Netscape!

http://shopnow.netscape.com/

Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Mail account today at

http://webmail.netscape.com/

[Guest guest]

Thanks! I'll get it!

Tuna

--- rykatemom@... wrote:

P.S. There was a comedian hwo said that stupid be

should have to wear signs so the rest of us would know

to stay away from them. Sounds like a good idea to me.

>The comedian is Bill Engvol, and the CD that has that

bit in it is titled & quot;Here's Your Sign & quot; I

HIGHLY HIGHLY reccomend it. It will be the best 10-20

bucks you've ever spent...it's HYSTERICAL!!!! & nbsp; Go

get it, I PROMISE you'll love it.<BR>

<BR>

<BR>

-- <BR>

...<BR>

Mom to:<BR>

, 3, Pro-Wrestler in hiding<BR>

, 1, Opera Soprano in-the-making<BR>

<BR>

Missing those beautifully wonderful babies. Without

them, the Sun has left my universe.<BR>

=====

" Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. "

Whoopi Goldberg

______________________________________________________________________

Web-hosting solutions for home and business! http://website.yahoo.ca

[Guest guest]

>>>>

Do you hand it right back to her? Occasionally my mom will do that, and my

answer is always along the lines of, " but not EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY. Now

cut it out and just LISTEN to me; I need support!!!!!! " But I have always

been outspoken, so it might be completely offensive to someone else's

mother...

Jacquie

<<<<

Jacquie -

Nah, because I figure she hasn't taken the time to really research Autism

that she just really doesn't know what she's talking about. And that's what

it is truly, ignorance. Although she " tries " , sort of, she really doesn't

get it, therefore; she says stupid things. I envy those with truly

supportive parents.

Penny

[Guest guest]

> > 2) You don't have a strict enough schedule. If you had him on a strict

> > schedule he wouldn't be autistic.

>

> This one is really funny since strict schedules are fit right in with

> autism. Loose schedules shake 'em up a bit.

Oh I know! Until very, very recently Mikey had NO concept of a schedule,

and there really was no way for me to enforce one. It might be *time* to

eat, but if he's not hungry, he won't eat. (But when he IS hungry, he is

STARVING and must eat RIGHT NOW!!!) Ditto sleep. Do all the sleep routines

you want; just did not matter.

NOW I understand all this was/is because he had/s the sensory integration of

a newborn.

It is getting better tho. Actually he's starting to be quite rigid about

some things. You get dressed and then you go out the door. (So he doesn't

wear pants in the house...) Mom pins you down and forces stuff down your

throat, and then you go to bed.

> > 3) Simply EXPLAIN to your child that this is not acceptable behavior...

>

> Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha [falls off chair].

Yeah, I know.

> Of course, Sara, you and I and a few others here are on an attachment

> parenting list together that has a skyrocketing autism rate. Just let the

> newspapers get hold of THAT.

I find it interesting to see the parenting styles here. They seem to be on

one extreme or the other. No, 'extreme' isn't the word I want...'extreme'

would be Ezzo...but you know what I mean, I hope? There aren't many

middle-of-the-roaders.

It seems to me our kids either demand AP or refuse it.

> Bah. I had excellent nutrition with Putter, I took no drugs, my pregnancy

> was great and my labor and delivery were generally great. And

> Putter is, I

> think, MORE autistic than Mikey. So there!

It's hard for me to compare b/c of the age difference. Putter seems to be

doing really well. He does a lot of things Mikey doesn't. But he's

older.

And we definitely have the genetic pre-disposition.

In any case, I did the best I knew, and can only continue doing that.

-Sara.0

[Guest guest]

> NOW I understand all this was/is because he had/s the sensory integration of

> a newborn.

Ironically, , whose sensory issues are the exact OPPOSITE of Mikey's, always

held me to a VERY rigid routine. I was forever told, " You need to be more

spontaneous with him. Don't schedule him so much, " while I was screaming on the

inside, " HE schedules ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

& Mikey appear to be two sides of the same coin. :-) What a bizarre

disorder!!!

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

>> My comebacks usually involve stunned silence and

> walking away. Sigh.>>

Yeah, mine too, unfortunately. But what CAN you say when someone

comes out with something so totally off-base that there is no way to

formulate anything remotely resembling a civil answer....

Raena

Where is it written you have to be CIVIL???

Kerri