Guest guest Posted January 7, 2002 Report Share Posted January 7, 2002 Thought I should come out of lurkdom to say that I also caused my children's autism. I know because it is apparent that my family gets together from time to time and decides a new reason why my kids are the way they are. They then come over and begin interventions based on these new revelations. There was the " they just are not strict enough " which led to them all being really hardnosed and inflexible with my son (which of course led to meltdowns), then there was the " they just need to boost his self-esteem " which led to them coming over and talking endlessly about how wonderful he was everytime he turned around. The latest occured the other day. My older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing. Meggie old lady 9 AS 2 autistic 8 months Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2002 Report Share Posted January 7, 2002 The latest occured the other day. My > older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old > hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone > formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't > talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him, > blah, blah, blah, blah, blah OOH, I hate this one because naturally Putter, fourth child in the family got that one a lot. It isn't just talking either; if Putter simply hadn't talked but had done everything else in a fairly normal way I would not have worried. And frankly your brother in law is probably on the spectrum somewhere too but they just refuse to admit it because he probably functions well enough. So does Bill Gates. > > Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing. > They do mean well, I imagine, although the hardnosed phase would have really bugged me. The self-esteem phase was probably silly especially if your Aspie son, like my Aspie son, didn't give a hoot about their opinion, but at least it wasn't actively harmful. Salli Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2002 Report Share Posted January 7, 2002 Wow, makes sense! I never thought about it that way. Tracey > I think the psych term is " blaming the victim " . > Autism is scary. Other parents want to find a reason > for Autism so they can assure themselves that it won't > happen in their family. Something like " Well I don't > treat my children that way, therefore they won't be > Autistic. " Also, I think sometimes people are > actually trying to help, they just don't know what the > hell they are talking about. > > Tuna > > ===== > " Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. " > Whoopi Goldberg > > ______________________________________________________ > Send your holiday cheer with http://greetings.yahoo.ca Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2002 Report Share Posted January 7, 2002 <<Dave is always asking Matt what exactly is different about Mikey, and when Matt tells him, Dave explains it away. " Oh that's normal, all kids go through that. " >> AHHHHGGGGG!!! That's my pet peeve!!! Almost EVERYONE has told me that about at one time or another! Drives me insane!!! I had to keep from dancing around them singing, " I told you so! " when was diagnosed! http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/2654/ I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 I got that with Mitchel when he was young, " I babied him too much " " did too much for him " BUT.. now that we know... they all back pedaled on those thoughts, which I suppose is good. I actually have a very supportive family. But before I knew what it was I blamed me too. Now I don't, I also don't go looking for a 'cause' - Kerri Re: Re: 5 reasons I caused his autism: The latest occured the other day. My > older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old > hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone > formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't > talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him, > blah, blah, blah, blah, blah OOH, I hate this one because naturally Putter, fourth child in the family got that one a lot. It isn't just talking either; if Putter simply hadn't talked but had done everything else in a fairly normal way I would not have worried. And frankly your brother in law is probably on the spectrum somewhere too but they just refuse to admit it because he probably functions well enough. So does Bill Gates. > > Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing. > They do mean well, I imagine, although the hardnosed phase would have really bugged me. The self-esteem phase was probably silly especially if your Aspie son, like my Aspie son, didn't give a hoot about their opinion, but at least it wasn't actively harmful. Salli Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 >> My comebacks usually involve stunned silence and > walking away. Sigh.>> Yeah, mine too, unfortunately. But what CAN you say when someone comes out with something so totally off-base that there is no way to formulate anything remotely resembling a civil answer.... Raena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 > >> 3) Simply EXPLAIN to your child that this is not acceptable behavior... > > Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha [falls off chair].>> This reminds me of a video I saw one time at a workshop...a really cute little boy with autism, very verbal...when asked about why he had been throwing a ball at someone on the playground, he immediately responded, " That is NOT ACCEPTABLE... " Everyone in the room burst into laughter... Raena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 >Really, they probably mean well, but it does get old and patronizing. Meggie & nbsp; old lady<BR> 9 AS<BR> 2 autistic<BR> 8 months<BR> Meggie, You said it! You should venture out of lurkdom more often! Tuna ===== " Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. " Whoopi Goldberg ______________________________________________________________________ Web-hosting solutions for home and business! http://website.yahoo.ca Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 I usually get the opposite: " If you'd had your children closer together, would have talked earlier because he'd have someone to talk to. " And this one hurts because I had a miscarriage in-between and , so 's autism is my fault because I had a miscarriage, which was my fault also. Ug. Tuna P.S. The saving grace in all of this is that doesn't give a hoot for other people's opinions, so none of this effects him much. >The latest occured the other day. My older son answered a question posed to my 2 year old (the 2 year old hadn't even realized that someone was speaking to him let alone formulating an answer), this led to explanations of how my bil didn't talk until he was 3 because all his sisters did the talking for him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah< >OOH, I hate this one because naturally Putter, fourth child in the family got that one a lot. It isn't just talking either; if Putter simply hadn't talked but had done everything else in a fairly normal way I would not have worried.< ===== " Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. " Whoopi Goldberg ______________________________________________________________________ Web-hosting solutions for home and business! http://website.yahoo.ca Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 > I usually get the opposite: " If you'd had your > children closer together, would have talked > earlier because he'd have someone to talk to. " And > this one hurts because I had a miscarriage in-between > and , so 's autism is my fault > because I had a miscarriage, which was my fault also.>> Tuna, You know, this sort of callous stupidity shows just how important it is for people to KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT before they offer unrequested opinions. In my mind, the perfect response to such smug insensitivity would be to say exactly what you said here... " Actually, my kids aren't any closer together because I suffered a miscarriage between them; I'm sure you don't mean to imply that this is the cause of 's difficulties...or was in some way my fault " and then leave THEM standing there in stunned silence for a change. Easier said than done when it comes about, I know...I never do it either. But isn't it fun to think about the look on their hopefully ashamed faces? Raena (who also had a miscarriage one time...so hard) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 Hello, Sara, he's seeking deep pressure...Ugh. More > constructive approach: Pick him up, put him on the trampoline, and jump > with him. There ya go, hon. <bad mommy> <bad mommy> <Don't hit the kid!> > > -Sara. Been there one hundred times. Probably a thousand, but that sounds like so much more. I so understand. Fatigue, frustration, aggravation, it all catches up to us once in awhile. You're a very good mommy Sara. Don't sweat it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 Ahhh, I just got off the phone with my mother, telling her about our difficult morning... and I got the " Oh, that's just typical child fashion " bit. I'm going to drink myself senseless tonite, I think (with coffee, of course). Good thing she's 2500 miles away. Penny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 > Ahhh, I just got off the phone with my mother, telling her about our > difficult morning... > > and I got the " Oh, that's just typical child fashion " bit. Do you hand it right back to her? Occasionally my mom will do that, and my answer is always along the lines of, " but not EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY. Now cut it out and just LISTEN to me; I need support!!!!!! " But I have always been outspoken, so it might be completely offensive to someone else's mother... Jacquie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2002 Report Share Posted January 8, 2002 >>>>>>> This reminds me of a video I saw one time at a workshop...a really cute little boy with autism, very verbal...when asked about why he had been throwing a ball at someone on the playground, he immediately responded, " That is NOT ACCEPTABLE... " <<<<< Yep - That's pretty funny....to people who get it. tee hee Penny :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2002 Report Share Posted January 9, 2002 >P.S. There was a comedian hwo said that stupid be >should have to wear signs so the rest of us would know >to stay away from them. Sounds like a good idea to >me. The comedian is Bill Engvol, and the CD that has that bit in it is titled " Here's Your Sign " I HIGHLY HIGHLY reccomend it. It will be the best 10-20 bucks you've ever spent...it's HYSTERICAL!!!! Go get it, I PROMISE you'll love it. -- ... Mom to: , 3, Pro-Wrestler in hiding , 1, Opera Soprano in-the-making Missing those beautifully wonderful babies. Without them, the Sun has left my universe. __________________________________________________________________ Your favorite stores, helpful shopping tools and great gift ideas. Experience the convenience of buying online with Shop@Netscape! http://shopnow.netscape.com/ Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Mail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2002 Report Share Posted January 9, 2002 >Yeah, mine too, unfortunately. But what CAN you say when someone >comes out with something so totally off-base that there is no way to >formulate anything remotely resembling a civil answer.... > >Raena > >Do what I do Raena....give em the UNcivilised answer. If their uncivilised enough to make a comment about your child, whom they know NOTHING about, you have the right to be uncivilised back. Go back into the archives and read my post entitled " The Publix Manager " . You can do a search for it at the group site. -- ... Mom to: , 3, Pro-Wrestler in hiding , 1, Opera Soprano in-the-making Missing those beautifully wonderful babies. Without them, the Sun has left my universe. __________________________________________________________________ Your favorite stores, helpful shopping tools and great gift ideas. Experience the convenience of buying online with Shop@Netscape! http://shopnow.netscape.com/ Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Mail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2002 Report Share Posted January 9, 2002 Thanks! I'll get it! Tuna --- rykatemom@... wrote: P.S. There was a comedian hwo said that stupid be should have to wear signs so the rest of us would know to stay away from them. Sounds like a good idea to me. >The comedian is Bill Engvol, and the CD that has that bit in it is titled & quot;Here's Your Sign & quot; I HIGHLY HIGHLY reccomend it. It will be the best 10-20 bucks you've ever spent...it's HYSTERICAL!!!! & nbsp; Go get it, I PROMISE you'll love it.<BR> <BR> <BR> -- <BR> ...<BR> Mom to:<BR> , 3, Pro-Wrestler in hiding<BR> , 1, Opera Soprano in-the-making<BR> <BR> Missing those beautifully wonderful babies. Without them, the Sun has left my universe.<BR> ===== " Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. " Whoopi Goldberg ______________________________________________________________________ Web-hosting solutions for home and business! http://website.yahoo.ca Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2002 Report Share Posted January 9, 2002 >>>> Do you hand it right back to her? Occasionally my mom will do that, and my answer is always along the lines of, " but not EVERY SINGLE F-ING DAY. Now cut it out and just LISTEN to me; I need support!!!!!! " But I have always been outspoken, so it might be completely offensive to someone else's mother... Jacquie <<<< Jacquie - Nah, because I figure she hasn't taken the time to really research Autism that she just really doesn't know what she's talking about. And that's what it is truly, ignorance. Although she " tries " , sort of, she really doesn't get it, therefore; she says stupid things. I envy those with truly supportive parents. Penny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2002 Report Share Posted January 9, 2002 > > 2) You don't have a strict enough schedule. If you had him on a strict > > schedule he wouldn't be autistic. > > This one is really funny since strict schedules are fit right in with > autism. Loose schedules shake 'em up a bit. Oh I know! Until very, very recently Mikey had NO concept of a schedule, and there really was no way for me to enforce one. It might be *time* to eat, but if he's not hungry, he won't eat. (But when he IS hungry, he is STARVING and must eat RIGHT NOW!!!) Ditto sleep. Do all the sleep routines you want; just did not matter. NOW I understand all this was/is because he had/s the sensory integration of a newborn. It is getting better tho. Actually he's starting to be quite rigid about some things. You get dressed and then you go out the door. (So he doesn't wear pants in the house...) Mom pins you down and forces stuff down your throat, and then you go to bed. > > 3) Simply EXPLAIN to your child that this is not acceptable behavior... > > Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha [falls off chair]. Yeah, I know. > Of course, Sara, you and I and a few others here are on an attachment > parenting list together that has a skyrocketing autism rate. Just let the > newspapers get hold of THAT. I find it interesting to see the parenting styles here. They seem to be on one extreme or the other. No, 'extreme' isn't the word I want...'extreme' would be Ezzo...but you know what I mean, I hope? There aren't many middle-of-the-roaders. It seems to me our kids either demand AP or refuse it. > Bah. I had excellent nutrition with Putter, I took no drugs, my pregnancy > was great and my labor and delivery were generally great. And > Putter is, I > think, MORE autistic than Mikey. So there! It's hard for me to compare b/c of the age difference. Putter seems to be doing really well. He does a lot of things Mikey doesn't. But he's older. And we definitely have the genetic pre-disposition. In any case, I did the best I knew, and can only continue doing that. -Sara.0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2002 Report Share Posted January 9, 2002 > NOW I understand all this was/is because he had/s the sensory integration of > a newborn. Ironically, , whose sensory issues are the exact OPPOSITE of Mikey's, always held me to a VERY rigid routine. I was forever told, " You need to be more spontaneous with him. Don't schedule him so much, " while I was screaming on the inside, " HE schedules ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " & Mikey appear to be two sides of the same coin. :-) What a bizarre disorder!!! Jacquie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2002 Report Share Posted January 11, 2002 >> My comebacks usually involve stunned silence and > walking away. Sigh.>> Yeah, mine too, unfortunately. But what CAN you say when someone comes out with something so totally off-base that there is no way to formulate anything remotely resembling a civil answer.... Raena Where is it written you have to be CIVIL??? Kerri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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