Re: The defining moment- limited and or no contact

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

mother for my inner child.

The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of you.

Malinda

>

> just what I said in the last post I made...get an answering

machine and stop

> answering the phone...she will never get better without help from

> professionals...and we all have to face that fact :-( and stop

listing to

> our inner little girls who still want a mother/daughter

relationship...it

> will not happen, not without a price, and that's our own mental

health...(

> sorry for the tough love)

>

> Jackie

>

>

> I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal.

I

> guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I

> guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on

> my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there.

>

> Thank you for your input.... and insights,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

mother for my inner child.

The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of you.

Malinda

>

> just what I said in the last post I made...get an answering

machine and stop

> answering the phone...she will never get better without help from

> professionals...and we all have to face that fact :-( and stop

listing to

> our inner little girls who still want a mother/daughter

relationship...it

> will not happen, not without a price, and that's our own mental

health...(

> sorry for the tough love)

>

> Jackie

>

>

> I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal.

I

> guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I

> guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on

> my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there.

>

> Thank you for your input.... and insights,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

mother for my inner child.

The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of you.

Malinda

>

> just what I said in the last post I made...get an answering

machine and stop

> answering the phone...she will never get better without help from

> professionals...and we all have to face that fact :-( and stop

listing to

> our inner little girls who still want a mother/daughter

relationship...it

> will not happen, not without a price, and that's our own mental

health...(

> sorry for the tough love)

>

> Jackie

>

>

> I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal.

I

> guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I

> guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on

> my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there.

>

> Thank you for your input.... and insights,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes, the steely, angry voice -- my nada uses it well!

You feel crummy because you keep trying to reason with a person who

CAN'T reason. It's pointless to try and argue your points with

these people. I know that sometimes in these situations, we're

afraid to just break off without a big explanation because then

they'll think we're " BAD " !

It's that fear of looking bad that prevents us from doing the right

thing for our lives: limiting contact with someone who is not

interested in a normal, give and take, loving relationship with us.

If you keep thinking that " her life is ruined and you're

responsible " -- you've got some breaking off to do. It's time to

allow yourself to be an adult -- and the first step is to make

decisions based on what's best for you, despite their attempts at

manipulation.

They say we're fully grown up when we stop living our lives based on

what our parents think. If your mother is working you over as you

describe in your post -- it's time to break away.

-Kyla

> >

> > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she

didn't

> ask to be

> > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves)

> but it's NOT

> > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it

> either...you have

> > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-)

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally

> torturing

> > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems,

> many

> > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own

> > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be

different

> as

> > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes, the steely, angry voice -- my nada uses it well!

You feel crummy because you keep trying to reason with a person who

CAN'T reason. It's pointless to try and argue your points with

these people. I know that sometimes in these situations, we're

afraid to just break off without a big explanation because then

they'll think we're " BAD " !

It's that fear of looking bad that prevents us from doing the right

thing for our lives: limiting contact with someone who is not

interested in a normal, give and take, loving relationship with us.

If you keep thinking that " her life is ruined and you're

responsible " -- you've got some breaking off to do. It's time to

allow yourself to be an adult -- and the first step is to make

decisions based on what's best for you, despite their attempts at

manipulation.

They say we're fully grown up when we stop living our lives based on

what our parents think. If your mother is working you over as you

describe in your post -- it's time to break away.

-Kyla

> >

> > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she

didn't

> ask to be

> > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves)

> but it's NOT

> > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it

> either...you have

> > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-)

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally

> torturing

> > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems,

> many

> > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own

> > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be

different

> as

> > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes, the steely, angry voice -- my nada uses it well!

You feel crummy because you keep trying to reason with a person who

CAN'T reason. It's pointless to try and argue your points with

these people. I know that sometimes in these situations, we're

afraid to just break off without a big explanation because then

they'll think we're " BAD " !

It's that fear of looking bad that prevents us from doing the right

thing for our lives: limiting contact with someone who is not

interested in a normal, give and take, loving relationship with us.

If you keep thinking that " her life is ruined and you're

responsible " -- you've got some breaking off to do. It's time to

allow yourself to be an adult -- and the first step is to make

decisions based on what's best for you, despite their attempts at

manipulation.

They say we're fully grown up when we stop living our lives based on

what our parents think. If your mother is working you over as you

describe in your post -- it's time to break away.

-Kyla

> >

> > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she

didn't

> ask to be

> > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves)

> but it's NOT

> > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it

> either...you have

> > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-)

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally

> torturing

> > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems,

> many

> > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own

> > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be

different

> as

> > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I had never hung up on her before. One time, my roommate told

her " she's in the shower. I'll have her call you back " Then we went

to lunch and the movies (we had preplanned that and I didn't want to

make her wait). I had just seen my mother the day before so figured

it couldn't be too important and I would call her when I got back.

Six hours later, there were 8 calls and 4 nasty messages about how I

obviously hated her and I needed to call her so we could talk about

it. I called her and she got my full attention for a couple hours

while I tried to convince her I wasn't avoiding her. In hindsight, I

realize that I do not have to sit through an episode of listening to

her act nutty. And she of course got my dad in on it, that time and

this last time: " your father is very upset with you! "

> >

> > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't

> have a

> > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the

> multitude of

> > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I

> would

> > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ).

> > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable.

> >

> > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day

> and no

> > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? "

> I'd

> > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? "

> And

> > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't

> call

> > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected,

> > sometimes weepy, other times icy.

> >

> > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking

> violently; I

> > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me.

> I

> > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was

> > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that

> > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over

> > nothing!

> >

> > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every

> > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that

> and

> > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my

> > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt

> trips,

> > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get

> really

> > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you

> will

> > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult,

> it is

> > MY decision what I do with my time.

> >

> > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving

> this "

> > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always

> was to

> > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I

> said

> > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) "

> > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so

> well

> > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an

> > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone.

> >

> > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to

> > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time.

> We

> > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when

> we

> > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so

> FREE

> > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no

> > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month

> > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up

> > again, I am ready to change my phone number.

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I

> ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

> said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and

> I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I had never hung up on her before. One time, my roommate told

her " she's in the shower. I'll have her call you back " Then we went

to lunch and the movies (we had preplanned that and I didn't want to

make her wait). I had just seen my mother the day before so figured

it couldn't be too important and I would call her when I got back.

Six hours later, there were 8 calls and 4 nasty messages about how I

obviously hated her and I needed to call her so we could talk about

it. I called her and she got my full attention for a couple hours

while I tried to convince her I wasn't avoiding her. In hindsight, I

realize that I do not have to sit through an episode of listening to

her act nutty. And she of course got my dad in on it, that time and

this last time: " your father is very upset with you! "

> >

> > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't

> have a

> > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the

> multitude of

> > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I

> would

> > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ).

> > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable.

> >

> > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day

> and no

> > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? "

> I'd

> > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? "

> And

> > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't

> call

> > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected,

> > sometimes weepy, other times icy.

> >

> > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking

> violently; I

> > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me.

> I

> > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was

> > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that

> > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over

> > nothing!

> >

> > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every

> > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that

> and

> > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my

> > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt

> trips,

> > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get

> really

> > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you

> will

> > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult,

> it is

> > MY decision what I do with my time.

> >

> > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving

> this "

> > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always

> was to

> > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I

> said

> > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) "

> > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so

> well

> > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an

> > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone.

> >

> > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to

> > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time.

> We

> > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when

> we

> > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so

> FREE

> > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no

> > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month

> > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up

> > again, I am ready to change my phone number.

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I

> ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

> said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and

> I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I had never hung up on her before. One time, my roommate told

her " she's in the shower. I'll have her call you back " Then we went

to lunch and the movies (we had preplanned that and I didn't want to

make her wait). I had just seen my mother the day before so figured

it couldn't be too important and I would call her when I got back.

Six hours later, there were 8 calls and 4 nasty messages about how I

obviously hated her and I needed to call her so we could talk about

it. I called her and she got my full attention for a couple hours

while I tried to convince her I wasn't avoiding her. In hindsight, I

realize that I do not have to sit through an episode of listening to

her act nutty. And she of course got my dad in on it, that time and

this last time: " your father is very upset with you! "

> >

> > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't

> have a

> > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the

> multitude of

> > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I

> would

> > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ).

> > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable.

> >

> > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day

> and no

> > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? "

> I'd

> > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? "

> And

> > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't

> call

> > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected,

> > sometimes weepy, other times icy.

> >

> > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking

> violently; I

> > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me.

> I

> > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was

> > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that

> > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over

> > nothing!

> >

> > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every

> > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that

> and

> > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my

> > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt

> trips,

> > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get

> really

> > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you

> will

> > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult,

> it is

> > MY decision what I do with my time.

> >

> > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving

> this "

> > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always

> was to

> > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I

> said

> > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) "

> > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so

> well

> > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an

> > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone.

> >

> > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to

> > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time.

> We

> > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when

> we

> > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so

> FREE

> > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no

> > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month

> > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up

> > again, I am ready to change my phone number.

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I

> ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

> said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and

> I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

malinda, it IS hard to let go and make our inner child grow up a bit...the

realization that we will never have what most people had...a loving caring

mother. Your innerchild keeps blaming herself, as if it's your own fault

you don't have that, so that keeps you trying and trying to win nadas

approval, acceptance, and love, but you will never win it....

Jackie

Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

mother for my inner child.

The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of you.

Malinda

[Guest guest]

malinda, it IS hard to let go and make our inner child grow up a bit...the

realization that we will never have what most people had...a loving caring

mother. Your innerchild keeps blaming herself, as if it's your own fault

you don't have that, so that keeps you trying and trying to win nadas

approval, acceptance, and love, but you will never win it....

Jackie

Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

mother for my inner child.

The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of you.

Malinda

[Guest guest]

malinda, it IS hard to let go and make our inner child grow up a bit...the

realization that we will never have what most people had...a loving caring

mother. Your innerchild keeps blaming herself, as if it's your own fault

you don't have that, so that keeps you trying and trying to win nadas

approval, acceptance, and love, but you will never win it....

Jackie

Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

mother for my inner child.

The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of you.

Malinda

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does your

nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for you

to deal with.

You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I

know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. I

had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray and

self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation with

nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment for

thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was more

than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment.

I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, but I

still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each

time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own soul

to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was over

a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag explaining

that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got a

copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her letter.)

I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of it.

I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a

consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my recovery.

I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, I

have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what

happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself.

Sylvia

>

> I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I

am

> looking for advice.

>

> I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about

> nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about

her

> co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada

always

> has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how

hard she

> has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work

done.

> Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work

have I

> done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a

good

> daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents.

>

> It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy,

and

> intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to

> diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I

wonder

> sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get

hooked

> into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her

> mother.

>

> I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you

had

> the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do

this,

> and where did you get the strength to make this life change?

>

> I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with

my

> nada, it is draining and hurting me.

>

> Thanks,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does your

nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for you

to deal with.

You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I

know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. I

had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray and

self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation with

nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment for

thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was more

than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment.

I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, but I

still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each

time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own soul

to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was over

a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag explaining

that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got a

copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her letter.)

I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of it.

I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a

consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my recovery.

I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, I

have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what

happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself.

Sylvia

>

> I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I

am

> looking for advice.

>

> I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about

> nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about

her

> co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada

always

> has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how

hard she

> has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work

done.

> Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work

have I

> done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a

good

> daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents.

>

> It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy,

and

> intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to

> diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I

wonder

> sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get

hooked

> into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her

> mother.

>

> I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you

had

> the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do

this,

> and where did you get the strength to make this life change?

>

> I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with

my

> nada, it is draining and hurting me.

>

> Thanks,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does your

nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for you

to deal with.

You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I

know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. I

had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray and

self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation with

nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment for

thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was more

than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment.

I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, but I

still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each

time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own soul

to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was over

a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag explaining

that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got a

copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her letter.)

I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of it.

I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a

consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my recovery.

I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, I

have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what

happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself.

Sylvia

>

> I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I

am

> looking for advice.

>

> I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about

> nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about

her

> co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada

always

> has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how

hard she

> has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work

done.

> Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work

have I

> done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a

good

> daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents.

>

> It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy,

and

> intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to

> diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I

wonder

> sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get

hooked

> into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her

> mother.

>

> I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you

had

> the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do

this,

> and where did you get the strength to make this life change?

>

> I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with

my

> nada, it is draining and hurting me.

>

> Thanks,

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

You have so much courage! What a wonderful blessing. I hope when I

am your age I will be able to look back and say Amen, I did not turn

out to be my mother. I am not my mother. I am me. And to my own

self will I be true!!

Tori

> >

> > I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I

> am

> > looking for advice.

> >

> > I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk

about

> > nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments

about

> her

> > co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada

> always

> > has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how

> hard she

> > has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work

> done.

> > Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work

> have I

> > done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always

a

> good

> > daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her

parents.

> >

> > It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative

energy,

> and

> > intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor

to

> > diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I

> wonder

> > sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get

> hooked

> > into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of

her

> > mother.

> >

> > I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of

you

> had

> > the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to

do

> this,

> > and where did you get the strength to make this life change?

> >

> > I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship

with

> my

> > nada, it is draining and hurting me.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Malinda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the

bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see

things more clearly?

Tori

>

> malinda, it IS hard to let go and make our inner child grow up a

bit...the

> realization that we will never have what most people had...a

loving caring

> mother. Your innerchild keeps blaming herself, as if it's your

own fault

> you don't have that, so that keeps you trying and trying to win

nadas

> approval, acceptance, and love, but you will never win it....

>

> Jackie

>

>

> Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

> just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

> mother for my inner child.

>

> The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

> defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

> already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of

you.

>

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the

bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see

things more clearly?

Tori

>

> malinda, it IS hard to let go and make our inner child grow up a

bit...the

> realization that we will never have what most people had...a

loving caring

> mother. Your innerchild keeps blaming herself, as if it's your

own fault

> you don't have that, so that keeps you trying and trying to win

nadas

> approval, acceptance, and love, but you will never win it....

>

> Jackie

>

>

> Thanks Jackie... you are right I am holding on to something that

> just isn't there. 48 and still looking for a relationship with my

> mother for my inner child.

>

> The adult in me, does have an answering machine. I guess my

> defining moment will be when I choose to make it one. Or maybe I

> already had my defining my moment, I found this place and all of

you.

>

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

" puking up a stream of negativity... " so appropriate...Sadly, now it

is me trying to give up unhealthy habits such as pucking (literally)

my guts out because I feel worthless and hopeless!!! I am sick of

abusing myself! I want to stop and I am working with a therapist to

try to stop. Today I made a HUGE victory. After stepping on the

scale tonight and realizing I lost 4 lbs this week due to all of the

stress with my mom, I decided to go down stairs and cook myself a

healthy meal so I wouldn't go to bed hungry another night this

week. I need to take care of myself!! How can I help others...whih

I so desperartly want to do...if I can't help myself??

Tori

> >

> > good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for

> yourself !!

> > I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront

> > them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think

nadas

> > expect more from their daughters than they do from their

sons...at

> least my

> > nada is this way...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all

I ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month

and I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

yes, Tori, I have it and read it...it really helped me more than SWOE :-)

Jackie

Jackie,

I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the

bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see

things more clearly?

Tori

[Guest guest]

yes, Tori, I have it and read it...it really helped me more than SWOE :-)

Jackie

Jackie,

I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the

bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see

things more clearly?

Tori

[Guest guest]

Tori: Do me a favor, if you would, the next time you feel like throwing up come

on here and make a post, even if it just says I am not doing well. You can even

private email if you want to. Also, try and get at least three small meals a

day. It sometimes helps if you change to many small meals a day. Other then be

overwhelmed with 3 big meals a day. I am a recovered Bulemic and I would hate

to see you fall into this trap. The reason it makes you feel better is that

throwing up gives ppl. a chemical high. This can be addicting. So, you need to

find a healther way to get out those toxic feelings.

Lilly

walkinthereign wrote:

" puking up a stream of negativity... " so appropriate...Sadly, now it

is me trying to give up unhealthy habits such as pucking (literally)

my guts out because I feel worthless and hopeless!!! I am sick of

abusing myself! I want to stop and I am working with a therapist to

try to stop. Today I made a HUGE victory. After stepping on the

scale tonight and realizing I lost 4 lbs this week due to all of the

stress with my mom, I decided to go down stairs and cook myself a

healthy meal so I wouldn't go to bed hungry another night this

week. I need to take care of myself!! How can I help others...whih

I so desperartly want to do...if I can't help myself??

Tori

> >

> > good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for

> yourself !!

> > I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront

> > them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think

nadas

> > expect more from their daughters than they do from their

sons...at

> least my

> > nada is this way...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all

I ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month

and I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Tori: Do me a favor, if you would, the next time you feel like throwing up come

on here and make a post, even if it just says I am not doing well. You can even

private email if you want to. Also, try and get at least three small meals a

day. It sometimes helps if you change to many small meals a day. Other then be

overwhelmed with 3 big meals a day. I am a recovered Bulemic and I would hate

to see you fall into this trap. The reason it makes you feel better is that

throwing up gives ppl. a chemical high. This can be addicting. So, you need to

find a healther way to get out those toxic feelings.

Lilly

walkinthereign wrote:

" puking up a stream of negativity... " so appropriate...Sadly, now it

is me trying to give up unhealthy habits such as pucking (literally)

my guts out because I feel worthless and hopeless!!! I am sick of

abusing myself! I want to stop and I am working with a therapist to

try to stop. Today I made a HUGE victory. After stepping on the

scale tonight and realizing I lost 4 lbs this week due to all of the

stress with my mom, I decided to go down stairs and cook myself a

healthy meal so I wouldn't go to bed hungry another night this

week. I need to take care of myself!! How can I help others...whih

I so desperartly want to do...if I can't help myself??

Tori

> >

> > good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for

> yourself !!

> > I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront

> > them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think

nadas

> > expect more from their daughters than they do from their

sons...at

> least my

> > nada is this way...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all

I ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month

and I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Tori: Do me a favor, if you would, the next time you feel like throwing up come

on here and make a post, even if it just says I am not doing well. You can even

private email if you want to. Also, try and get at least three small meals a

day. It sometimes helps if you change to many small meals a day. Other then be

overwhelmed with 3 big meals a day. I am a recovered Bulemic and I would hate

to see you fall into this trap. The reason it makes you feel better is that

throwing up gives ppl. a chemical high. This can be addicting. So, you need to

find a healther way to get out those toxic feelings.

Lilly

walkinthereign wrote:

" puking up a stream of negativity... " so appropriate...Sadly, now it

is me trying to give up unhealthy habits such as pucking (literally)

my guts out because I feel worthless and hopeless!!! I am sick of

abusing myself! I want to stop and I am working with a therapist to

try to stop. Today I made a HUGE victory. After stepping on the

scale tonight and realizing I lost 4 lbs this week due to all of the

stress with my mom, I decided to go down stairs and cook myself a

healthy meal so I wouldn't go to bed hungry another night this

week. I need to take care of myself!! How can I help others...whih

I so desperartly want to do...if I can't help myself??

Tori

> >

> > good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for

> yourself !!

> > I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront

> > them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think

nadas

> > expect more from their daughters than they do from their

sons...at

> least my

> > nada is this way...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all

I ever

> > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I

said, " How

> > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month

and I

> > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not

> > married, I am obligated to be her best friend.

> >

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Hi Malinda, Kyla and Jackie,

thanks so much for your e-mails. I am actually feeling a lot

better, and I know that that is due in large part to being able to

post to this group as a source of support. I also know that while

it does throw me to speak to her and experience the full force of

her projections, I can recover so much faster than I used to - while

I felt a bit low last night, this morning I was fine.

You know what struck me about the conversation? I really think she

was talking about herself - obviously she tried so hard to convince

herself that she had a wonderful childhood, wonderful parents, and

got rid of whatever " sick fantasies " she had of being abused. I had

the impression that she was hinting that I had recovered some

repressed memory of sexual abuse - which I strongly suspect is

something she suffered and has spent a lifetime running from.

Anyway, in practical advice terms, I am shopping tomorrow for the

caller-id phone

thanks as always for listening!

Sara

>

> get an answering machine and stop answering the phone :-) your

mother is an

> adult ( she doesn't act like one, but she is by age) as are

you...you are

> not responsible for her happiness nor sadness...and she can't

irratae/upset

> you unless you allow it ( I know, it's easier said than done, I'm

working on

> it in myself)

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi all, I wish that I could make the break...I just had my second

> phone call today from my mother. In the first I told her that we

> had asked her not to send the box of gifts and that we were

donating

> it to charity. Her response was that I must be feeling unwell,

> despite my assurances to the contrary. She keeps hoping that I'll

> come down with postnatal depression and come racing back home.

>

> In the second phone call, she called with her steely, angry voice

> and told me that I needed to come home to visit.

>