Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Hi Malinda, Kyla and Jackie, thanks so much for your e-mails. I am actually feeling a lot better, and I know that that is due in large part to being able to post to this group as a source of support. I also know that while it does throw me to speak to her and experience the full force of her projections, I can recover so much faster than I used to - while I felt a bit low last night, this morning I was fine. You know what struck me about the conversation? I really think she was talking about herself - obviously she tried so hard to convince herself that she had a wonderful childhood, wonderful parents, and got rid of whatever " sick fantasies " she had of being abused. I had the impression that she was hinting that I had recovered some repressed memory of sexual abuse - which I strongly suspect is something she suffered and has spent a lifetime running from. Anyway, in practical advice terms, I am shopping tomorrow for the caller-id phone thanks as always for listening! Sara > > get an answering machine and stop answering the phone :-) your mother is an > adult ( she doesn't act like one, but she is by age) as are you...you are > not responsible for her happiness nor sadness...and she can't irratae/upset > you unless you allow it ( I know, it's easier said than done, I'm working on > it in myself) > > Jackie > > Hi all, I wish that I could make the break...I just had my second > phone call today from my mother. In the first I told her that we > had asked her not to send the box of gifts and that we were donating > it to charity. Her response was that I must be feeling unwell, > despite my assurances to the contrary. She keeps hoping that I'll > come down with postnatal depression and come racing back home. > > In the second phone call, she called with her steely, angry voice > and told me that I needed to come home to visit. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Hi Malinda, Kyla and Jackie, thanks so much for your e-mails. I am actually feeling a lot better, and I know that that is due in large part to being able to post to this group as a source of support. I also know that while it does throw me to speak to her and experience the full force of her projections, I can recover so much faster than I used to - while I felt a bit low last night, this morning I was fine. You know what struck me about the conversation? I really think she was talking about herself - obviously she tried so hard to convince herself that she had a wonderful childhood, wonderful parents, and got rid of whatever " sick fantasies " she had of being abused. I had the impression that she was hinting that I had recovered some repressed memory of sexual abuse - which I strongly suspect is something she suffered and has spent a lifetime running from. Anyway, in practical advice terms, I am shopping tomorrow for the caller-id phone thanks as always for listening! Sara > > get an answering machine and stop answering the phone :-) your mother is an > adult ( she doesn't act like one, but she is by age) as are you...you are > not responsible for her happiness nor sadness...and she can't irratae/upset > you unless you allow it ( I know, it's easier said than done, I'm working on > it in myself) > > Jackie > > Hi all, I wish that I could make the break...I just had my second > phone call today from my mother. In the first I told her that we > had asked her not to send the box of gifts and that we were donating > it to charity. Her response was that I must be feeling unwell, > despite my assurances to the contrary. She keeps hoping that I'll > come down with postnatal depression and come racing back home. > > In the second phone call, she called with her steely, angry voice > and told me that I needed to come home to visit. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Unlike most people on here, the phone is only way I can communicate with my fada. When I went off to college (not physically far away but I wasn't seeing my family every day anymore either) I had a hard time dealing with him on the phone. The first time I hung up on him I felt physically ill. Not just rude but sick to my stomach. Unfortunately, it took a lot of crap for me to hang up. Each time I did it it got easier and how many minutes I would waste arguing with him would get fewer and fewer. One night I hung up on him over a dozen times. Each time I answered the phone he got a fresh start. Each time he acted out he got a hang up. After this went on for what seemed like forever he finally figured out that if he was nice I would stay on the line and talk. When he was calm I told him that if he couldn't talk politely to me on the phone then he would get a hang up. Of course, he acted like nothing had happened. AAARGH!!! I had to hang up every time he said something nasty for him to get the message that I was really serious about it, but now he knows that is a weapon I won't hesitate to use. Nowadays I hang up on him maybe twice a year. Even though it's far less I still feel enraged when it happens but I quickly move on to other things. This is my life and I refuse to let him poison it. I would never hang up on anyone else, I feel it's rude and manipulative, but if he's going to be rude then so am I. These days I will slap the phone shut without thinking twice about it if I hear anything I don't like. If it's just the tone in his voice I'll say 'do you want to keep talking or not?' Some days I sound more like the parent than the kid. B > > > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she > didn't > > ask to be > > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > > but it's NOT > > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > > either...you have > > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > > torturing > > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > > many > > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be > different > > as > > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Unlike most people on here, the phone is only way I can communicate with my fada. When I went off to college (not physically far away but I wasn't seeing my family every day anymore either) I had a hard time dealing with him on the phone. The first time I hung up on him I felt physically ill. Not just rude but sick to my stomach. Unfortunately, it took a lot of crap for me to hang up. Each time I did it it got easier and how many minutes I would waste arguing with him would get fewer and fewer. One night I hung up on him over a dozen times. Each time I answered the phone he got a fresh start. Each time he acted out he got a hang up. After this went on for what seemed like forever he finally figured out that if he was nice I would stay on the line and talk. When he was calm I told him that if he couldn't talk politely to me on the phone then he would get a hang up. Of course, he acted like nothing had happened. AAARGH!!! I had to hang up every time he said something nasty for him to get the message that I was really serious about it, but now he knows that is a weapon I won't hesitate to use. Nowadays I hang up on him maybe twice a year. Even though it's far less I still feel enraged when it happens but I quickly move on to other things. This is my life and I refuse to let him poison it. I would never hang up on anyone else, I feel it's rude and manipulative, but if he's going to be rude then so am I. These days I will slap the phone shut without thinking twice about it if I hear anything I don't like. If it's just the tone in his voice I'll say 'do you want to keep talking or not?' Some days I sound more like the parent than the kid. B > > > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she > didn't > > ask to be > > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > > but it's NOT > > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > > either...you have > > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > > torturing > > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > > many > > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be > different > > as > > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Unlike most people on here, the phone is only way I can communicate with my fada. When I went off to college (not physically far away but I wasn't seeing my family every day anymore either) I had a hard time dealing with him on the phone. The first time I hung up on him I felt physically ill. Not just rude but sick to my stomach. Unfortunately, it took a lot of crap for me to hang up. Each time I did it it got easier and how many minutes I would waste arguing with him would get fewer and fewer. One night I hung up on him over a dozen times. Each time I answered the phone he got a fresh start. Each time he acted out he got a hang up. After this went on for what seemed like forever he finally figured out that if he was nice I would stay on the line and talk. When he was calm I told him that if he couldn't talk politely to me on the phone then he would get a hang up. Of course, he acted like nothing had happened. AAARGH!!! I had to hang up every time he said something nasty for him to get the message that I was really serious about it, but now he knows that is a weapon I won't hesitate to use. Nowadays I hang up on him maybe twice a year. Even though it's far less I still feel enraged when it happens but I quickly move on to other things. This is my life and I refuse to let him poison it. I would never hang up on anyone else, I feel it's rude and manipulative, but if he's going to be rude then so am I. These days I will slap the phone shut without thinking twice about it if I hear anything I don't like. If it's just the tone in his voice I'll say 'do you want to keep talking or not?' Some days I sound more like the parent than the kid. B > > > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she > didn't > > ask to be > > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > > but it's NOT > > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > > either...you have > > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > > torturing > > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > > many > > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be > different > > as > > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Isn't it ironic that your mother expects you to 'get over' the abusive things that happened to you as a child - yet she, as an adult, can't 'get over' not having a daily call from you? I would like to validate that the way you handled yourself was understandable and justifiable. I know that the only way I can get my nada to really pay attention to me is if I yell at her! This is something I don't want to do, and it is something I refuse to do for the sole purpose of keeping a relationship with her. It is a lose- lose situation for me, and so I will not be a part of it. Take care, sylvia > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > nothing! > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is > MY decision what I do with my time. > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Isn't it ironic that your mother expects you to 'get over' the abusive things that happened to you as a child - yet she, as an adult, can't 'get over' not having a daily call from you? I would like to validate that the way you handled yourself was understandable and justifiable. I know that the only way I can get my nada to really pay attention to me is if I yell at her! This is something I don't want to do, and it is something I refuse to do for the sole purpose of keeping a relationship with her. It is a lose- lose situation for me, and so I will not be a part of it. Take care, sylvia > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > nothing! > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is > MY decision what I do with my time. > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Isn't it ironic that your mother expects you to 'get over' the abusive things that happened to you as a child - yet she, as an adult, can't 'get over' not having a daily call from you? I would like to validate that the way you handled yourself was understandable and justifiable. I know that the only way I can get my nada to really pay attention to me is if I yell at her! This is something I don't want to do, and it is something I refuse to do for the sole purpose of keeping a relationship with her. It is a lose- lose situation for me, and so I will not be a part of it. Take care, sylvia > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > nothing! > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is > MY decision what I do with my time. > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 I agree with you that the phone call went on too long. But this is how we learn how to set and defend our boundaries. I'll bet the next call will not be so long. Your mother says many of the same guilt producing things mine used to say to me. My mother, too, believes I have been duped by my therapist. It is, as always, my fault and not hers. (She, of course, is too smart to be duped by anyone, and I, of course, am so dumb that I need her to tell me what I should and should not do. - ah yes, the gospel according to nada.) It sounds like your mother is really threatened by your independence and how well you are doing without her. She is throwing out a lot of statements to make you doubt yourself. Your mother does not want to accept that you have your own life, and that life doesn't revolve around her! Healthy parents raise their children to become independent and self-sufficient adults. They don't raise them to come running home to momma everything momma sneezes! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Take care, Sylvia > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't > ask to be > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > but it's NOT > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > either...you have > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > torturing > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > many > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different > as > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 I agree with you that the phone call went on too long. But this is how we learn how to set and defend our boundaries. I'll bet the next call will not be so long. Your mother says many of the same guilt producing things mine used to say to me. My mother, too, believes I have been duped by my therapist. It is, as always, my fault and not hers. (She, of course, is too smart to be duped by anyone, and I, of course, am so dumb that I need her to tell me what I should and should not do. - ah yes, the gospel according to nada.) It sounds like your mother is really threatened by your independence and how well you are doing without her. She is throwing out a lot of statements to make you doubt yourself. Your mother does not want to accept that you have your own life, and that life doesn't revolve around her! Healthy parents raise their children to become independent and self-sufficient adults. They don't raise them to come running home to momma everything momma sneezes! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Take care, Sylvia > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't > ask to be > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > but it's NOT > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > either...you have > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > torturing > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > many > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different > as > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 I agree with you that the phone call went on too long. But this is how we learn how to set and defend our boundaries. I'll bet the next call will not be so long. Your mother says many of the same guilt producing things mine used to say to me. My mother, too, believes I have been duped by my therapist. It is, as always, my fault and not hers. (She, of course, is too smart to be duped by anyone, and I, of course, am so dumb that I need her to tell me what I should and should not do. - ah yes, the gospel according to nada.) It sounds like your mother is really threatened by your independence and how well you are doing without her. She is throwing out a lot of statements to make you doubt yourself. Your mother does not want to accept that you have your own life, and that life doesn't revolve around her! Healthy parents raise their children to become independent and self-sufficient adults. They don't raise them to come running home to momma everything momma sneezes! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Take care, Sylvia > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't > ask to be > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > but it's NOT > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > either...you have > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > torturing > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > many > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different > as > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Tori, I know even now, you are not your mother, and you will not turn out like her. You wouldn't be here if you were like her. Yes, i am courageous - sometimes I drag my feet and procrastinate before I muster up the courage I need! But I am courageous, because i do what I need to do - regardless of how frightened I am. And at times I am very frightened. You quoted my motto - To thine own self be true! That was another hard earned lesson. How cool is that? Take care, Sylvia > > > > Malinda, > > > > First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does > your > > nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for you > > to deal with. > > > > You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I > > know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. I > > had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray and > > self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation > with > > nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment for > > thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was > more > > than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment. > > > > I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, but > I > > still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each > > time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own soul > > to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was > over > > a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag explaining > > that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got a > > copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her letter.) > > > > I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of > it. > > I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a > > consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my > recovery. > > I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, I > > have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what > > happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself. > > > > Sylvia > ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Tori, I know even now, you are not your mother, and you will not turn out like her. You wouldn't be here if you were like her. Yes, i am courageous - sometimes I drag my feet and procrastinate before I muster up the courage I need! But I am courageous, because i do what I need to do - regardless of how frightened I am. And at times I am very frightened. You quoted my motto - To thine own self be true! That was another hard earned lesson. How cool is that? Take care, Sylvia > > > > Malinda, > > > > First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does > your > > nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for you > > to deal with. > > > > You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I > > know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. I > > had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray and > > self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation > with > > nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment for > > thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was > more > > than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment. > > > > I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, but > I > > still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each > > time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own soul > > to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was > over > > a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag explaining > > that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got a > > copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her letter.) > > > > I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of > it. > > I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a > > consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my > recovery. > > I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, I > > have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what > > happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself. > > > > Sylvia > ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 Tori, I know even now, you are not your mother, and you will not turn out like her. You wouldn't be here if you were like her. Yes, i am courageous - sometimes I drag my feet and procrastinate before I muster up the courage I need! But I am courageous, because i do what I need to do - regardless of how frightened I am. And at times I am very frightened. You quoted my motto - To thine own self be true! That was another hard earned lesson. How cool is that? Take care, Sylvia > > > > Malinda, > > > > First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does > your > > nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for you > > to deal with. > > > > You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I > > know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. I > > had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray and > > self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation > with > > nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment for > > thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was > more > > than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment. > > > > I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, but > I > > still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each > > time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own soul > > to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was > over > > a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag explaining > > that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got a > > copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her letter.) > > > > I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of > it. > > I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a > > consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my > recovery. > > I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, I > > have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what > > happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself. > > > > Sylvia > ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 I just wanted to say that, my daughter got me an earlier Mother's Day present, a bracelet with a charm that says - " To thine own self be true. " She gets so much, and she supports me. It is tough, but so right to be true to ourselves....that is such a part of our recovery and healing process. I wear the braclet and remember the power behind those words. Malinda -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " smhtrain2 " wrote: > > Tori, > > I know even now, you are not your mother, and you will not turn out > like her. You wouldn't be here if you were like her. > > Yes, i am courageous - sometimes I drag my feet and procrastinate > before I muster up the courage I need! But I am courageous, because > i do what I need to do - regardless of how frightened I am. And at > times I am very frightened. > > You quoted my motto - To thine own self be true! That was another > hard earned lesson. How cool is that? > > Take care, > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > Malinda, > > > > > > First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does > > your > > > nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for > you > > > to deal with. > > > > > > You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I > > > know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. > I > > > had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray > and > > > self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation > > with > > > nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment > for > > > thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was > > more > > > than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment. > > > > > > I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, > but > > I > > > still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each > > > time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own > soul > > > to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was > > over > > > a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag > explaining > > > that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got > a > > > copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her > letter.) > > > > > > I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of > > it. > > > I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a > > > consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my > > recovery. > > > I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, > I > > > have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what > > > happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself. > > > > > > Sylvia > > ....... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 I just wanted to say that, my daughter got me an earlier Mother's Day present, a bracelet with a charm that says - " To thine own self be true. " She gets so much, and she supports me. It is tough, but so right to be true to ourselves....that is such a part of our recovery and healing process. I wear the braclet and remember the power behind those words. Malinda -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " smhtrain2 " wrote: > > Tori, > > I know even now, you are not your mother, and you will not turn out > like her. You wouldn't be here if you were like her. > > Yes, i am courageous - sometimes I drag my feet and procrastinate > before I muster up the courage I need! But I am courageous, because > i do what I need to do - regardless of how frightened I am. And at > times I am very frightened. > > You quoted my motto - To thine own self be true! That was another > hard earned lesson. How cool is that? > > Take care, > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > Malinda, > > > > > > First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does > > your > > > nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for > you > > > to deal with. > > > > > > You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I > > > know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. > I > > > had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray > and > > > self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation > > with > > > nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment > for > > > thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was > > more > > > than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment. > > > > > > I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, > but > > I > > > still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each > > > time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own > soul > > > to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was > > over > > > a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag > explaining > > > that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got > a > > > copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her > letter.) > > > > > > I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of > > it. > > > I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a > > > consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my > > recovery. > > > I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, > I > > > have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what > > > happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself. > > > > > > Sylvia > > ....... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 26, 2007 Report Share Posted April 26, 2007 I just wanted to say that, my daughter got me an earlier Mother's Day present, a bracelet with a charm that says - " To thine own self be true. " She gets so much, and she supports me. It is tough, but so right to be true to ourselves....that is such a part of our recovery and healing process. I wear the braclet and remember the power behind those words. Malinda -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " smhtrain2 " wrote: > > Tori, > > I know even now, you are not your mother, and you will not turn out > like her. You wouldn't be here if you were like her. > > Yes, i am courageous - sometimes I drag my feet and procrastinate > before I muster up the courage I need! But I am courageous, because > i do what I need to do - regardless of how frightened I am. And at > times I am very frightened. > > You quoted my motto - To thine own self be true! That was another > hard earned lesson. How cool is that? > > Take care, > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > Malinda, > > > > > > First, this is the right place to come to for unloading! Does > > your > > > nada call every day? I hope not. That is really too much for > you > > > to deal with. > > > > > > You asked where some of us got the strength to go no contact. I > > > know strength was required, but for me it was also desperation. > I > > > had spent a lifetime getting healthy - various types of theray > and > > > self help since I was 21. And then in my late 50s, on vacation > > with > > > nada, taking care of my daughter who was undergoing treatment > for > > > thyroid cancer, nada chose to go into one of her rages. It was > > more > > > than an 'ah ha' moment. It was a life defining moment. > > > > > > I saw so clearly that I had created a healthy life for myself, > but > > I > > > still allowed her polution into that life. And I knew that each > > > time I allowed her in, I was also allowing a little of my own > soul > > > to be crushed, to be ignored, to die. From that point, it was > > over > > > a year until I wrote a letter to both nada and dishrag > explaining > > > that I was not going to stay in contact with them. (Dishrag got > a > > > copy, because I knew not to depend on nada to share her > letter.) > > > > > > I went no contact, dealt with many emotional issues because of > > it. > > > I am now visiting my dad in the hospital every day, and as a > > > consequence, I run into nada. This is a new phase in my > > recovery. > > > I don't know how it will turn out. I take each day as it comes, > I > > > have found faith in myself that I will be able to deal with what > > > happens, and I am committed to taking care of myself. > > > > > > Sylvia > > ....... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 Tori -- I've read it, and it described not only my mother, but my FATHER, too! I couldn't believe how incredibly accurate the descriptions were! The coping methods the book recommends are good. I now have them in my head for future use -- in the even N/C or L/C turn into something else. At first, I thought the book was a little pricey. Now, I think it's priceless. The insight it gave me was worth so much more than the purchase price. Also, I've picked the book up time and time again and re-read passages -- different parts seem to " speak " to me as I go through different stages of this process. So, don't think that if you've read it once, you've necessarily absorbed it all. If you find it helpful (and I hope you do!), keep referring to it. -Kyla > > yes, Tori, I have it and read it...it really helped me more than SWOE :-) > > Jackie > > > > Jackie, > > I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the > bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see > things more clearly? > > Tori > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 Tori -- I've read it, and it described not only my mother, but my FATHER, too! I couldn't believe how incredibly accurate the descriptions were! The coping methods the book recommends are good. I now have them in my head for future use -- in the even N/C or L/C turn into something else. At first, I thought the book was a little pricey. Now, I think it's priceless. The insight it gave me was worth so much more than the purchase price. Also, I've picked the book up time and time again and re-read passages -- different parts seem to " speak " to me as I go through different stages of this process. So, don't think that if you've read it once, you've necessarily absorbed it all. If you find it helpful (and I hope you do!), keep referring to it. -Kyla > > yes, Tori, I have it and read it...it really helped me more than SWOE :-) > > Jackie > > > > Jackie, > > I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the > bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see > things more clearly? > > Tori > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 27, 2007 Report Share Posted April 27, 2007 Tori -- I've read it, and it described not only my mother, but my FATHER, too! I couldn't believe how incredibly accurate the descriptions were! The coping methods the book recommends are good. I now have them in my head for future use -- in the even N/C or L/C turn into something else. At first, I thought the book was a little pricey. Now, I think it's priceless. The insight it gave me was worth so much more than the purchase price. Also, I've picked the book up time and time again and re-read passages -- different parts seem to " speak " to me as I go through different stages of this process. So, don't think that if you've read it once, you've necessarily absorbed it all. If you find it helpful (and I hope you do!), keep referring to it. -Kyla > > yes, Tori, I have it and read it...it really helped me more than SWOE :-) > > Jackie > > > > Jackie, > > I just ordered Understanding the Borderline Mother from the > bookstore. Have you read it? If so do you think it will help me see > things more clearly? > > Tori > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well, I use a cell phone and I've found this can be very convenient. My mom used to call me very early and awaken me and very late and etc. And then all through the day. Expecting me (of course) to be her mother and emotional support. I told her that my seperated husband calls at night and wakes me up and so I have to turn off the phone at night. I told my soon to be ex that my mother calls and wakes me up so I have to turn off the phone. Both accepted this and completely understood that I wouldn't want this other person to bother me at a rude hour. I found that kind of amusing that they couldn't see it in themselves. Then, I oops didn't answer because I forgot and left my cell phone out in the car...etc. Or, I must have been outside when they called. I act like it was nothing...silly me. I can only accept a call or two a day from these crazy makers or I'm just emotionally wiped out! Haven't yet completely removed myself. But, I'm working closer towards it. > > > > > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't > > have a > > > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the > > multitude of > > > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I > > would > > > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > > > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > > > > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day > > and no > > > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " > > I'd > > > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " > > And > > > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't > > call > > > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > > > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > > > > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking > > violently; I > > > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. > > I > > > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > > > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > > > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > > > nothing! > > > > > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > > > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that > > and > > > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > > > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt > > trips, > > > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get > > really > > > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you > > will > > > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, > > it is > > > MY decision what I do with my time. > > > > > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving > > this " > > > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always > > was to > > > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I > > said > > > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > > > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so > > well > > > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > > > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > > > > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > > > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. > > We > > > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when > > we > > > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so > > FREE > > > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > > > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > > > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > > > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > > > > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I > > ever > > > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I > > said, " How > > > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and > > I > > > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > > > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well, I use a cell phone and I've found this can be very convenient. My mom used to call me very early and awaken me and very late and etc. And then all through the day. Expecting me (of course) to be her mother and emotional support. I told her that my seperated husband calls at night and wakes me up and so I have to turn off the phone at night. I told my soon to be ex that my mother calls and wakes me up so I have to turn off the phone. Both accepted this and completely understood that I wouldn't want this other person to bother me at a rude hour. I found that kind of amusing that they couldn't see it in themselves. Then, I oops didn't answer because I forgot and left my cell phone out in the car...etc. Or, I must have been outside when they called. I act like it was nothing...silly me. I can only accept a call or two a day from these crazy makers or I'm just emotionally wiped out! Haven't yet completely removed myself. But, I'm working closer towards it. > > > > > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't > > have a > > > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the > > multitude of > > > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I > > would > > > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > > > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > > > > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day > > and no > > > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " > > I'd > > > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " > > And > > > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't > > call > > > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > > > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > > > > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking > > violently; I > > > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. > > I > > > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > > > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > > > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > > > nothing! > > > > > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > > > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that > > and > > > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > > > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt > > trips, > > > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get > > really > > > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you > > will > > > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, > > it is > > > MY decision what I do with my time. > > > > > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving > > this " > > > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always > > was to > > > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I > > said > > > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > > > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so > > well > > > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > > > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > > > > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > > > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. > > We > > > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when > > we > > > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so > > FREE > > > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > > > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > > > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > > > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > > > > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I > > ever > > > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I > > said, " How > > > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and > > I > > > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > > > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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