Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 I'll tell you what my therapist (and countless others) told me: Don't be a willing audience. Say there's someone at the door. " Gotta run " -- don't explain why. Just suddenly have to go. YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT. If you're sitting and listening to her go on and on and on, you're a WILLING listener! How is she supposed to get the message that you DON'T want to sit and listen to her negativity? You have to SHOW her. Sitting and listening is giving her the message that you DO want to hear it. Do it enough times and she'll get the message! Keep doing it! Keep saying there's someone at the door! Keep saying " Gotta run! " ....Make stuff up!!! Keep saying it! Make a policy that you're not going to be the sponge that soaks that crap up -- benefiting her and hurting you -- anymore!! Then, ENFORCE it. Again: When you hear it starting up again on her end of the line, get yourself OFF THE PHONE. You don't owe explanations. The phone is paid for by you. It is for YOUR convenience -- not to be used by the rest of the world as a conduit to intrude upon your life and your emotional well-being! Your time is YOURS. You are the gatekeeper. It's up to you to slam it shut for unwanted intrusions. -Kyla > > I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I am > looking for advice. > > I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about > nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about her > co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada always > has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how hard she > has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work done. > Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work have I > done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a good > daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents. > > It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy, and > intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to > diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I wonder > sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get hooked > into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her > mother. > > I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you had > the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do this, > and where did you get the strength to make this life change? > > I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with my > nada, it is draining and hurting me. > > Thanks, > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 I'll tell you what my therapist (and countless others) told me: Don't be a willing audience. Say there's someone at the door. " Gotta run " -- don't explain why. Just suddenly have to go. YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT. If you're sitting and listening to her go on and on and on, you're a WILLING listener! How is she supposed to get the message that you DON'T want to sit and listen to her negativity? You have to SHOW her. Sitting and listening is giving her the message that you DO want to hear it. Do it enough times and she'll get the message! Keep doing it! Keep saying there's someone at the door! Keep saying " Gotta run! " ....Make stuff up!!! Keep saying it! Make a policy that you're not going to be the sponge that soaks that crap up -- benefiting her and hurting you -- anymore!! Then, ENFORCE it. Again: When you hear it starting up again on her end of the line, get yourself OFF THE PHONE. You don't owe explanations. The phone is paid for by you. It is for YOUR convenience -- not to be used by the rest of the world as a conduit to intrude upon your life and your emotional well-being! Your time is YOURS. You are the gatekeeper. It's up to you to slam it shut for unwanted intrusions. -Kyla > > I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I am > looking for advice. > > I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about > nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about her > co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada always > has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how hard she > has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work done. > Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work have I > done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a good > daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents. > > It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy, and > intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to > diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I wonder > sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get hooked > into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her > mother. > > I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you had > the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do this, > and where did you get the strength to make this life change? > > I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with my > nada, it is draining and hurting me. > > Thanks, > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, sometimes weepy, other times icy. Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over nothing! I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is MY decision what I do with my time. Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up again, I am ready to change my phone number. I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not married, I am obligated to be her best friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, sometimes weepy, other times icy. Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over nothing! I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is MY decision what I do with my time. Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up again, I am ready to change my phone number. I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not married, I am obligated to be her best friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 I always gave to my parents 2000%. Here is what caused me to break away: I had an episode with them where I hurt their feelings in front of complete strangers at a restaurant. My folks made a comment during a conversation which I found to be embarrassing. I said that I did not like their comment (in front of these 2 strangers). This brief insignificant moment, triggered weeks of torment and guilt. I finally called my company's mental health hotline and the woman told me exactly what to do. I was in robot-mode, nearly at the breaking point, but I followed all her instructions...I wrote a letter & established NC. THAT was my defining moment. I'll be forever grateful for the woman on the other end of that hotline. Good luck. Defining moments are AMAZING!! You have POWER!!!! A lot more than you realize! > > I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I am > looking for advice. > > I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about > nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about her > co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada always > has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how hard she > has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work done. > Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work have I > done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a good > daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents. > > It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy, and > intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to > diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I wonder > sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get hooked > into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her > mother. > > I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you had > the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do this, > and where did you get the strength to make this life change? > > I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with my > nada, it is draining and hurting me. > > Thanks, > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 I always gave to my parents 2000%. Here is what caused me to break away: I had an episode with them where I hurt their feelings in front of complete strangers at a restaurant. My folks made a comment during a conversation which I found to be embarrassing. I said that I did not like their comment (in front of these 2 strangers). This brief insignificant moment, triggered weeks of torment and guilt. I finally called my company's mental health hotline and the woman told me exactly what to do. I was in robot-mode, nearly at the breaking point, but I followed all her instructions...I wrote a letter & established NC. THAT was my defining moment. I'll be forever grateful for the woman on the other end of that hotline. Good luck. Defining moments are AMAZING!! You have POWER!!!! A lot more than you realize! > > I am going to say upfront I am sorry for unloading and oh yes, I am > looking for advice. > > I had a long day, and like clock work my nada calls to talk about > nothing. That nothing consistents of her degrading comments about her > co-workers, customers and family members, including fada. Nada always > has who her she told off today story too. She will tell me how hard she > has worked all day and how difficult it is to get all her work done. > Then she will want to know my day and what is new, how much work have I > done, and when we will I be seeing her again, and oh yes, always a good > daughter story and how this daughter is taking care of her parents. > > It is like a brainwashing session, with a ton of negative energy, and > intense judgemental words.Combined with me putting up my armor to > diffuse the backlash of what should be a simple conversation. I wonder > sometimes how this all got so out of control. How I still get hooked > into my role of the dutiful daughter listening to rantings of her > mother. > > I have made boundaries, but I see not nearly enough. Those of you had > the courage to go to nc or lc what was your defining moment to do this, > and where did you get the strength to make this life change? > > I so appreciate anything....I am so tired of my relationship with my > nada, it is draining and hurting me. > > Thanks, > Malinda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for yourself !! I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think nadas expect more from their daughters than they do from their sons...at least my nada is this way... Jackie I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not married, I am obligated to be her best friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for yourself !! I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think nadas expect more from their daughters than they do from their sons...at least my nada is this way... Jackie I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not married, I am obligated to be her best friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 ABSOLUTELY! As an adult, we are no longer powerless, and in fact, the power has shifted. Problem is, you don't know it yet and neither does your mom...until you exercise it. > > I always gave to my parents 2000%. Here is what caused me to break > away: I had an episode with them where I hurt their feelings in front > of complete strangers at a restaurant. My folks made a comment during > a conversation which I found to be embarrassing. I said that I did not > like their comment (in front of these 2 strangers). This brief > insignificant moment, triggered weeks of torment and guilt. I finally > called my company's mental health hotline and the woman told me > exactly what to do. I was in robot-mode, nearly at the breaking point, > but I followed all her instructions...I wrote a letter & established > NC. THAT was my defining moment. I'll be forever grateful for the > woman on the other end of that hotline. Good luck. Defining moments > are AMAZING!! You have POWER!!!! A lot more than you realize! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 ABSOLUTELY! As an adult, we are no longer powerless, and in fact, the power has shifted. Problem is, you don't know it yet and neither does your mom...until you exercise it. > > I always gave to my parents 2000%. Here is what caused me to break > away: I had an episode with them where I hurt their feelings in front > of complete strangers at a restaurant. My folks made a comment during > a conversation which I found to be embarrassing. I said that I did not > like their comment (in front of these 2 strangers). This brief > insignificant moment, triggered weeks of torment and guilt. I finally > called my company's mental health hotline and the woman told me > exactly what to do. I was in robot-mode, nearly at the breaking point, > but I followed all her instructions...I wrote a letter & established > NC. THAT was my defining moment. I'll be forever grateful for the > woman on the other end of that hotline. Good luck. Defining moments > are AMAZING!! You have POWER!!!! A lot more than you realize! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally torturing herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, many resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different as long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for yourself !! > I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront > them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think nadas > expect more from their daughters than they do from their sons...at least my > nada is this way... > > Jackie > > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally torturing herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, many resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different as long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > good for you. Any time you stand up for yourself is a win for yourself !! > I think you did a great job !! It's very difficult to confront > them..especially knowing what they've done in the past...I think nadas > expect more from their daughters than they do from their sons...at least my > nada is this way... > > Jackie > > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't ask to be BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) but it's NOT your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it either...you have your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) Jackie Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally torturing herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, many resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different as long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 Hi all, I wish that I could make the break...I just had my second phone call today from my mother. In the first I told her that we had asked her not to send the box of gifts and that we were donating it to charity. Her response was that I must be feeling unwell, despite my assurances to the contrary. She keeps hoping that I'll come down with postnatal depression and come racing back home. In the second phone call, she called with her steely, angry voice and told me that I needed to come home to visit. I said we weren't prepared to do that now. She became quite teary and told me that I had a wonderful family, a wonderful home, an idyllic childhood, and I had turned my back on all of them because of some " fantasies in my mind " . She accused me of having some crazy psychoanalyst having gotten her claws into me and having convinced me that all my problems stemmed from my mother. She told me that she and my father would not live forever, and I would just keep up this distance until one day I got a phone call and found out they were dead. I would never be happy until I destroyed this family that had given so much to me. Oh, i tried to say nothing committal, said we absolutely could not visit, lots of mm-hmms, and told her that i would not talk to her when she was like this, she said that meant i would never talk to her, I never had time for her (this is true). I said that we were going to unplug the phone and that I would not continue the conversation, but feel like it went on far too long... I feel really crummy. I feel like i've figured out recently that it is these waif tendencies that really upset me, leaving me feel like her life is ruined and I am entirely responsible. Words of comfort/advice very welcome!! Sara > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't ask to be > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) but it's NOT > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it either...you have > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > Jackie > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally torturing > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, many > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different as > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 This is how it was for so many my of the phone calls with nada before... the fighting over my total annoyance with her for the selfish and negative comments should would make. Yes, I would just hang up and say this is not healthy for either of us. Days or weeks would pass and then we would talk again. Yes, I would tell my family to say was out, sleeping...or just not answer the phone. I was pretty consistent with my boundaries. So I felt like in some ways nada and I had made some improvements. We rarely fight or have the phone encounters that you described in this post. I also limit my time and say how could much have changed or happened since we just talked. ( it felt very validating to hear you say those things and to know I use those strategies) Maybe though it is just the sheer negativity that is getting to me, and nada hanging on to me, which I continue to allow that is wearing me down. I am never under the illusion she has changed, I know what has changed and what must continue to change is what I will put up with from her. I guess in some way, I was looking in your stories of nc or lc to see what brought you to that defining moment. It may sound crazy....but I am never quite sure what means enough? Truly I have put up with so much with the nada and my husband...that my mind doesn't get enough very well. I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal. I guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there. Thank you for your input.... and insights, Malinda > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > nothing! > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is > MY decision what I do with my time. > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 This is how it was for so many my of the phone calls with nada before... the fighting over my total annoyance with her for the selfish and negative comments should would make. Yes, I would just hang up and say this is not healthy for either of us. Days or weeks would pass and then we would talk again. Yes, I would tell my family to say was out, sleeping...or just not answer the phone. I was pretty consistent with my boundaries. So I felt like in some ways nada and I had made some improvements. We rarely fight or have the phone encounters that you described in this post. I also limit my time and say how could much have changed or happened since we just talked. ( it felt very validating to hear you say those things and to know I use those strategies) Maybe though it is just the sheer negativity that is getting to me, and nada hanging on to me, which I continue to allow that is wearing me down. I am never under the illusion she has changed, I know what has changed and what must continue to change is what I will put up with from her. I guess in some way, I was looking in your stories of nc or lc to see what brought you to that defining moment. It may sound crazy....but I am never quite sure what means enough? Truly I have put up with so much with the nada and my husband...that my mind doesn't get enough very well. I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal. I guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there. Thank you for your input.... and insights, Malinda > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > nothing! > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is > MY decision what I do with my time. > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 This is how it was for so many my of the phone calls with nada before... the fighting over my total annoyance with her for the selfish and negative comments should would make. Yes, I would just hang up and say this is not healthy for either of us. Days or weeks would pass and then we would talk again. Yes, I would tell my family to say was out, sleeping...or just not answer the phone. I was pretty consistent with my boundaries. So I felt like in some ways nada and I had made some improvements. We rarely fight or have the phone encounters that you described in this post. I also limit my time and say how could much have changed or happened since we just talked. ( it felt very validating to hear you say those things and to know I use those strategies) Maybe though it is just the sheer negativity that is getting to me, and nada hanging on to me, which I continue to allow that is wearing me down. I am never under the illusion she has changed, I know what has changed and what must continue to change is what I will put up with from her. I guess in some way, I was looking in your stories of nc or lc to see what brought you to that defining moment. It may sound crazy....but I am never quite sure what means enough? Truly I have put up with so much with the nada and my husband...that my mind doesn't get enough very well. I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal. I guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there. Thank you for your input.... and insights, Malinda > > I could have written your story, except that my mother doesn't have a > job, so she has all day to sit around and think about the multitude of > reasons why I might have taken 2 days to call her back. Then I would > get the guilt trips ( " oh, how nice of you to finally call me " ). > Nothing was ever enough. She wasn't happy and I was miserable. > > It got to where she was calling me every day or every other day and no > amount of hint-dropping would make a difference. " What's new? " I'd > say, " Nothing. It's been 2 days. What could be new in 2 days? " And > EVERY SINGLE time I talked to her I got a complaint that I didn't call > her sooner, don't come over enough, that she feels neglected, > sometimes weepy, other times icy. > > Finally, exactly two weeks ago, I LOST IT. I was shaking violently; I > was in fight or flight mode. She was sucking the life out of me. I > screamed " You're smothering me. " She started by crying that I was > neglecting her and that she " doesn't deserve this " and boy did that > bring back childhood memories of *me* not deserving her wrath over > nothing! > > I just kept saying over and over " I don't want to talk to you every > day. I understand you want us to be closer, but I don't want that and > you can't make me. " Then she asked why and I didn't mention my > childhood, but I did say the telling me what to do, the guilt trips, > the pushiness, telling me I'm wrong. Then she started to get really > mad, and went from crying to saying " I am your GD mother and you will > treat me with respect. " And I stood firm and said as an adult, it is > MY decision what I do with my time. > > Then she kept crying about feeling neglected and not " deserving this " > and I was just so blown away thinking about how mean she always was to > me and how I just took it and learned to live with it and so I said > " what about __________??? Did I deserve that? (from my childhood) " > and she said, in her most I hate you voice that I remember oh so well > " How GD old ARE you? " meaning get over it, with never, ever an > apology and so I hung up and unplugged the phone. > > So that's my story. May not have been the most enlightened way to > stand up for myself, but it was the best I could do at the time. We > have not spoken since and I am DETERMINED that if/or probably when we > do, things will be different, will be on MY terms. And I feel so FREE > now. I'm thinking after I have several months off, i might say no > more phone calls and we can meet with my dad for lunch once a month > and that is it. Take it or leave it. And if the calls startt up > again, I am ready to change my phone number. > > I DIDN'T REALIZE how sick she was making me, because it was all I ever > knew. And what about my brother??? Just before I blew I said, " How > often does she call YOU? " And he said " Oh, about once a month and I > usually don't answer. " I think she thinks that since I am not > married, I am obligated to be her best friend. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 Sara, When I started this post I didn't realize how many of our BP parents use a phone call as another boundary breaker and a way to manipulate us. Thank goodness my mother doesn't know how to email me. Oh my dear, you are not alone. My nada has said over and over these same destructive words to me. It is exhausting and draining. I feel like I use the great advice given to me in these postings and so do you. Don't wish you were made out of tefelon and the comments made to us would just bounce off of us, but they don't. They hurt us to the core and they don't stop. My mother does the waif thing, actually when she is being the witch and or queen I don't feel guilty getting angry at her. The waif is so low, playing on your guilt. I know this is hard, and you deserve better, and so do I. Try to do something for you. I am sure what that means for you, but give yourself something positive back. Even if is a bubble bath and a good book. Something that brings a smile to you. I wish had the wisdom and power to make it all go away for all of us....but I don't. I know you are good and kind person and you must not forget that. We are not who they say we are. You are responsible for your life and not hers. We both need to chip away at this huge and unfair burden our nadas have layed on are already tired shoulders. Take of yourself, Malinda > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't > ask to be > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > but it's NOT > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > either...you have > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > torturing > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > many > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different > as > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 Sara, When I started this post I didn't realize how many of our BP parents use a phone call as another boundary breaker and a way to manipulate us. Thank goodness my mother doesn't know how to email me. Oh my dear, you are not alone. My nada has said over and over these same destructive words to me. It is exhausting and draining. I feel like I use the great advice given to me in these postings and so do you. Don't wish you were made out of tefelon and the comments made to us would just bounce off of us, but they don't. They hurt us to the core and they don't stop. My mother does the waif thing, actually when she is being the witch and or queen I don't feel guilty getting angry at her. The waif is so low, playing on your guilt. I know this is hard, and you deserve better, and so do I. Try to do something for you. I am sure what that means for you, but give yourself something positive back. Even if is a bubble bath and a good book. Something that brings a smile to you. I wish had the wisdom and power to make it all go away for all of us....but I don't. I know you are good and kind person and you must not forget that. We are not who they say we are. You are responsible for your life and not hers. We both need to chip away at this huge and unfair burden our nadas have layed on are already tired shoulders. Take of yourself, Malinda > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't > ask to be > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > but it's NOT > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > either...you have > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > torturing > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > many > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different > as > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 Sara, When I started this post I didn't realize how many of our BP parents use a phone call as another boundary breaker and a way to manipulate us. Thank goodness my mother doesn't know how to email me. Oh my dear, you are not alone. My nada has said over and over these same destructive words to me. It is exhausting and draining. I feel like I use the great advice given to me in these postings and so do you. Don't wish you were made out of tefelon and the comments made to us would just bounce off of us, but they don't. They hurt us to the core and they don't stop. My mother does the waif thing, actually when she is being the witch and or queen I don't feel guilty getting angry at her. The waif is so low, playing on your guilt. I know this is hard, and you deserve better, and so do I. Try to do something for you. I am sure what that means for you, but give yourself something positive back. Even if is a bubble bath and a good book. Something that brings a smile to you. I wish had the wisdom and power to make it all go away for all of us....but I don't. I know you are good and kind person and you must not forget that. We are not who they say we are. You are responsible for your life and not hers. We both need to chip away at this huge and unfair burden our nadas have layed on are already tired shoulders. Take of yourself, Malinda > > > > you are exactly right...you should feel sorry for her, she didn't > ask to be > > BPD ( although there are things they can do to help themselves) > but it's NOT > > your problem, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix it > either...you have > > your own life to live and your own family to raise :-) > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > Thank you! I feel badly for her, as I know she is mentally > torturing > > herself. But that's *not my problem*. I have my own problems, > many > > resulting from being ignored/yelled at/hated as a child by my own > > mother. I realized I could not recover and learn to be different > as > > long as she was puking up a steady stream of negativity on me. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 get an answering machine and stop answering the phone :-) your mother is an adult ( she doesn't act like one, but she is by age) as are you...you are not responsible for her happiness nor sadness...and she can't irratae/upset you unless you allow it ( I know, it's easier said than done, I'm working on it in myself) Jackie Hi all, I wish that I could make the break...I just had my second phone call today from my mother. In the first I told her that we had asked her not to send the box of gifts and that we were donating it to charity. Her response was that I must be feeling unwell, despite my assurances to the contrary. She keeps hoping that I'll come down with postnatal depression and come racing back home. In the second phone call, she called with her steely, angry voice and told me that I needed to come home to visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 get an answering machine and stop answering the phone :-) your mother is an adult ( she doesn't act like one, but she is by age) as are you...you are not responsible for her happiness nor sadness...and she can't irratae/upset you unless you allow it ( I know, it's easier said than done, I'm working on it in myself) Jackie Hi all, I wish that I could make the break...I just had my second phone call today from my mother. In the first I told her that we had asked her not to send the box of gifts and that we were donating it to charity. Her response was that I must be feeling unwell, despite my assurances to the contrary. She keeps hoping that I'll come down with postnatal depression and come racing back home. In the second phone call, she called with her steely, angry voice and told me that I needed to come home to visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 just what I said in the last post I made...get an answering machine and stop answering the phone...she will never get better without help from professionals...and we all have to face that fact :-( and stop listing to our inner little girls who still want a mother/daughter relationship...it will not happen, not without a price, and that's our own mental health...( sorry for the tough love) Jackie I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal. I guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there. Thank you for your input.... and insights, Malinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 just what I said in the last post I made...get an answering machine and stop answering the phone...she will never get better without help from professionals...and we all have to face that fact :-( and stop listing to our inner little girls who still want a mother/daughter relationship...it will not happen, not without a price, and that's our own mental health...( sorry for the tough love) Jackie I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal. I guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there. Thank you for your input.... and insights, Malinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2007 Report Share Posted April 25, 2007 just what I said in the last post I made...get an answering machine and stop answering the phone...she will never get better without help from professionals...and we all have to face that fact :-( and stop listing to our inner little girls who still want a mother/daughter relationship...it will not happen, not without a price, and that's our own mental health...( sorry for the tough love) Jackie I also wouldn't mind the phone call, if it was healthy and normal. I guess since the tone of the conversation is not angry anymore, I guess I thought that meant better. It didn't...another illusion on my part. The FOG is tricky and yet it is there. Thank you for your input.... and insights, Malinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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