Re: Favorite FOO words

March 15, 2007

I can relate to this as well. My nada constantly reminds me, 'Family is

all that you have!'. Yet, they never call or support anything that I am

doing. My Godmother, who had been a part of 'our family ' for over 40

years, was one person who supported me unconditionally. This irritated

my nada, and she cut her out of her life completely. When my Godmother

became sick (age 93) I moved her into my home and took care of her until

she passed 2 years ago. Though it was a struggle, I loved her and it was

a wonderful time for me. No one in the family called or even asked about

her during the last 4 months of her life. They refuse to mention her

name, like her life never happened. My nada accused me of 'trying to be

a martyr' and 'wanting her money', which was so far from the truth. She

even refused to go to her funeral! Instead, I hear constantly of how

important 'family' (which means her) is. Seriously!!! This is classic

manipulation.

- Kristy

kylaboo728 wrote:

> Oh my goodness -- me, too! My nada likes to say " you know how I am

> about family " . What a JOKE! Like you, we have rampant substance

> abuse, and everybody lives all over the country and we don't have

> anything to do with each other (not in a mean way, but we all have

> our own lives and don't really " know " these people who are our

> relatives).

>

> We have the relatives who aren't speaking to each other: Prime

> example is nada, whose 3 brothers can't stand her. (to be fair, one

> is extremely mentally ill and hates everybody!)

>

> She must like how it sounds to say that phrase ( " you know how I am

> about family " ) yet she doesn't get off her ass and put effort toward

> ANYBODY. Always has an excuse -- is always " going through "

> something.

>

> My and my son's birthdays went completely unacknowledged by her.

> Believe me, I'm not looking for gifts, nor does my son need more

> crap in his room -- but how about a nice phone call? A card?

>

> Come to think of it, she doesn't call, doesn't visit -- yet gets my

> fada into the act, berating ME for " ending the relationship " .

>

> That's " family " for ya. Just a word in the dictionary -- nothing

> more.

>

> -Kyla

>

> >

> > One of my favorite guilt phrases was 'in our

> > family...' Such as, 'in our family, we would NEVER

> > say such terrible things to our mother!' 'In our

> > family, we look after each other!' 'We may not have

> > much, but we always took care of the family!'

> >

> > This is one massive distortion on the actual state of

> > the family, which is textbook dysfunctional with

> > rampant sustance abuse and relatives not talking to

> > each other for decades on end. Although it took a

> > long time (and continues to take a long time) to

> > believe them....because it would be nice if we were

> > actually a functional family!

> >

> > is

> >

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>

March 15, 2007

Kyla,

This sounds so familiar. My fada, too, tried to get me to buy into the

entire 'facade' of how we were raised. The entire family is enmeshed and

entrapped with trying to satisfy (and avoid the wrath of) the Queen. I

felt sorry for my Dad; he was so trapped with trying to do the right

thing, but never understood completely. She talked about him and treated

him very badly. All the while she was manipulating him too, to get

whatever she wanted. Now that he has passed on, my mother is re-writing

history about their relationship, and the entire family. I (and most of

my friends who 'see it') are amazed that I was able to survive.

-K

kylaboo728 wrote:

> When I finally dared to tell my fada (who was trying to get me to

> come to the Queen's throne to worship her and pull her out of

> misery) that I wasn't responsible for her miseries, he got pissed

> off and said " You weren't raised like that! "

>

> Oh? Trying to rewrite how I was raised? Did he REALLY want to open

> that can of worms? I wish I could have written " yeah, dad, let's

> TALK about how I WAS RAISED. "

>

> What a crock! I was " raised " to save my mother! He's trying to

> paint this wonderful picture by saying they raised me to be " good "

> and not the " mean, spiteful " 44 year old they are faced with today.

>

> Of course I'm not mean and spiteful --- just not willing to take

> their crap any longer. Which is how I WAS raised.

>

> -kyla

>

> > > >

> > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time

> again,

> > as

> > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your

> FOO

> > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > > noticed this?

> > > >

> > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> > where

> > > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> > population.

> > > >

> > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> > that.

> > > >

> > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> > probably.

> > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> > things

> > > like that.

> > > >

> > > > These were everyday words.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> > language

> > > among us?

> > > > WTH.

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > > >

March 15, 2007

>

> The more I read these posts and share things I remember, the more I

realize how WEIRD nada was. She'd say and do the most ridiculous

things, but they seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I actually

felt shame for not making her bed properly or whatever it is I had

to. I never made the bed right by the way. Ever. She wanted it

hospital style with squared corners and the comforter tucked in.

That's very hard to do to a queen sized bed by yourself!! She was

never happy and always made me watch while she re-did it the " right "

way.

>

> As an adult, I never make the bed. I'll clean everything else, but

those sheets stay untucked. It's my little rebellion after the fact

and I sure love snuggling under those loose sheets.

>

> Jae

>

Ha ha, Jae, are you sure we aren't related to the same mother? Mine

did the same thing! If my brother didn't do what he was supposed to

then it was my responsibility because I was the older child and

should have made sure it was done. Also, I had the same problem with

bed making- imagine my surprise later in life when, as a nurses

assistant, I realized that hospital beds weren't (and couldn't

be!!!!) made to my mother's standards!

Like you, I also refuse to make the bed. Seeing it made is almost

disturbing to me and I find comfort in those twisted up sheets.

PS I was also called spoiled brat, inconsiderate, bitch, whore, slut,

selfish, and hateful.

March 15, 2007

-My mother is the same way. She was a blonde bombshell to parallel

marylin Monroe (of course, I came out like my father- with pug nose,

long front teeth, dark brown curly hair!) and I always felt

inadequate next to her. I was lucky in that she never put me down

about my genetic looks; however, she would constantly tell me that I

was so pretty and it was a shame I didn't live up to my potential

(wrong hair style, wrong clothes, which, by the way, were only right

if it was HER hair style, HER make up colors, HER clothes!!!). Her

looks have faded horribly as she's aged and she has pretty much shut

her self off from society. She even refuses to visit her family

(brothers, etc) because she doesn't want them to see what she's

turned in to. So sad.

Judi

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " mitchell_kristin "

wrote:

>

> I'm right there with you.

> My mom was very beautiful when she was young- she was able to get

any

> man she wanted- and obsessed about her looks constantly.

> She projected all of her food/ body image stuff onto me. I was

> always told " You have such a pretty face, if you could only lose 10

> pounds, maybe then you'd be happier " or whatever else she wanted to

> use to fill in the blank at the time.

> I never felt pretty enough, especially in comparison to her.

> She lost her looks as she aged, you would not have even recognized

> her which was very sad. I think once her looks were gone, she gave

> up.

>

> > > >

> > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time

again,

> > as

> > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your

FOO

> > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > > noticed this?

> > > >

> > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> > where

> > > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> > population.

> > > >

> > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> > that.

> > > >

> > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble

words,

> > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> > probably.

> > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> > things

> > > like that.

> > > >

> > > > These were everyday words.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> > language

> > > among us?

> > > > WTH.

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > > >

March 15, 2007

K,

Your comment about your nada scouling at you when you look nice triggered

something for me. My nada would ALWAYS say, " Are you wearing that? " Or, when

it's quite obvious I'm dressed and ready to go, she will say, " Aren't you going

to get ready? " Or in the mornings before I'd walk out the door before school,

" Don't forget to do your hair! " And of course, THE ONE stupid morning I forget

to comb out my bangs, (child of the 89s/90s, curl your bangs, let them cool,

comb them out, aquanet them to death lol) she doesn't say A WORD! And I go to

school like that, and am left to my own devices (my fingers) in the bathroom to

figure it out. This group can be awfully theraputic on one hand, and make me

want to SMACK her on the other!

Mel

" K. F Woods " wrote:

MJL,

I am glad you 'unlearning' the negative messages your nada tried tho

reinforce. I have achieved much in my academic and professional career -

to this day my nada with say, 'You may have book sense, but you don't

have any common sense' - as a way to demean me. I also notice that if I

look particularly nice, she scowls and makes no comment. On visits, if I

looking my worse (just getting up in the morning; doing yard work,

cleaning the oven or my bird's cage), she had a habit of actually

getting a camera and taking a surprise picture!! I have come to realize,

like you are, that she is projecting her own feelings of self-loathing.

Keep up the good work and insights!

K

mjlpathfinder wrote:

> Yes!!! You expressed my experience here exactly!!! I hadn't

> thought in years about how my BPD mother made me look for things and

> then she'd find it immediately and make a crack about " if it had

> been a snake it would have bit you " and every day when I made the

> bed I was nervous because she would either re-make my bed as she

> criticized my incompetence or I would have to do it over because it

> wasn't perfect. She never missed any opportunity to " perfect "

> either me or my performance.

>

> I'd like to share a comment I made to my therapist the other

> day....It's only recently started to sink in that maybe my BPD

> mother was wrong about me. Maybe I'm NOT stupid (I graduated

> college with highest honors) or ugly. Maybe I CAN carry a tune

> (I'll never forget how astonished I was recently when someone told

> me I have a beautiful voice). Maybe I have something more to

> contribute to the world than gaining her approval. Maybe I have a

> voice that is worth being heard.

>

> Maybe stupid and ugly are things she thinks about herself and

> projects onto me. Maybe I'm okay and she's NOT.

>

> MJL

>

> > >

> > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again,

> as

> > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO

> > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > noticed this?

> > >

> > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> where

> > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> population.

> > >

> > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> that.

> > >

> > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> probably.

> > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> things

> > like that.

> > >

> > > These were everyday words.

> > >

> > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> language

> > among us?

> > > WTH.

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > >

March 15, 2007

Mel,

I know how you feel. But remember, they can't control who they are

(albeit hurtful, manipulative, undermining, whatever!!!). Our job is to

see it for what it is, separate nada from who we are, and try our

darnedest to heal - which may take the rest of our lives. I 'm up for

the challenge, though. Consider the alternative (smile)!!! You'll get there.

K

wrote:

> K,

>

> Your comment about your nada scouling at you when you look nice

> triggered something for me. My nada would ALWAYS say, " Are you wearing

> that? " Or, when it's quite obvious I'm dressed and ready to go, she

> will say, " Aren't you going to get ready? " Or in the mornings before

> I'd walk out the door before school, " Don't forget to do your hair! "

> And of course, THE ONE stupid morning I forget to comb out my bangs,

> (child of the 89s/90s, curl your bangs, let them cool, comb them out,

> aquanet them to death lol) she doesn't say A WORD! And I go to school

> like that, and am left to my own devices (my fingers) in the bathroom

> to figure it out. This group can be awfully theraputic on one hand,

> and make me want to SMACK her on the other!

>

> Mel

>

> " K. F Woods " <kwoods8@... <mailto:kwoods8%40triad.rr.com>> wrote:

> MJL,

> I am glad you 'unlearning' the negative messages your nada tried tho

> reinforce. I have achieved much in my academic and professional career -

> to this day my nada with say, 'You may have book sense, but you don't

> have any common sense' - as a way to demean me. I also notice that if I

> look particularly nice, she scowls and makes no comment. On visits, if I

> looking my worse (just getting up in the morning; doing yard work,

> cleaning the oven or my bird's cage), she had a habit of actually

> getting a camera and taking a surprise picture!! I have come to realize,

> like you are, that she is projecting her own feelings of self-loathing.

> Keep up the good work and insights!

>

> K

>

> mjlpathfinder wrote:

>

> > Yes!!! You expressed my experience here exactly!!! I hadn't

> > thought in years about how my BPD mother made me look for things and

> > then she'd find it immediately and make a crack about " if it had

> > been a snake it would have bit you " and every day when I made the

> > bed I was nervous because she would either re-make my bed as she

> > criticized my incompetence or I would have to do it over because it

> > wasn't perfect. She never missed any opportunity to " perfect "

> > either me or my performance.

> >

> > I'd like to share a comment I made to my therapist the other

> > day....It's only recently started to sink in that maybe my BPD

> > mother was wrong about me. Maybe I'm NOT stupid (I graduated

> > college with highest honors) or ugly. Maybe I CAN carry a tune

> > (I'll never forget how astonished I was recently when someone told

> > me I have a beautiful voice). Maybe I have something more to

> > contribute to the world than gaining her approval. Maybe I have a

> > voice that is worth being heard.

> >

> > Maybe stupid and ugly are things she thinks about herself and

> > projects onto me. Maybe I'm okay and she's NOT.

> >

> > MJL

> >

> > > >

> > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again,

> > as

> > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO

> > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > > noticed this?

> > > >

> > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> > where

> > > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> > population.

> > > >

> > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> > that.

> > > >

> > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> > probably.

> > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> > things

> > > like that.

> > > >

> > > > These were everyday words.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> > language

> > > among us?

> > > > WTH.

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > > >

March 15, 2007

OMG - yes, that whole " book sense but no common sense " thing drove me crazy (I

was a high achiever in school, probably because it was one of the few things

that made nada happy -- except when she was in a rage). As if making up lies

and accusing your daughter of being a " whore, " etc implies any common sense...

wrote: K,