Re: Favorite FOO words

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for a while.

But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I might just have to

hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a terrible habit, but it really

calms me down.

That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink or other

self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep from letting that

become a coping mechanism for everything else?

" K. F Woods " wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many

cigarettes). I can only imagine how

difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is

something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or

undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other

than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They

will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and

confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that

my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our

high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him

because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was

confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure

out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got

angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!.

If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the

street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts.

None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to

finally be able to go limited n/c!!!!

JL Suess wrote:

> I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to

> it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our

> similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some

> times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring

> them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird

> thing for nada to say/do " .

>

> Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always

> pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an

> effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them

> were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy

> friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends

> (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior).

> Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for

> sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT.

> I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious

> boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so

> that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually.

> With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in

> the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped

> from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too

> restricting on top. I bought my

> own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry

> red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I

> felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came

> home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the

> only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been

> so furious in my life.

>

> Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to

> have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for

> her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant

> when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade

> " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought

> dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she

> wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end

> up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only

> consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and

> it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the

> relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right

> for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times.

> Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you

> do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced

> a french kiss in front of a few of

> her friends and how traumitizing it was.

>

> I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story "

> for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a

> friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and

> he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high

> school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still

> gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all

> I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis

> cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this

> happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to

> me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of

> abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of

> old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes,

> the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how

> great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared

> an STD. To make it worse,

> when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I

> thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had

> miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada,

> and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my

> father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas

> party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took

> place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my

> girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of

> limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I

> don't even know.

>

> Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark

> and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it

> actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to

> find my cigarettes and kleenex....

>

> doticus > wrote: 'Even

> though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that

> that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the

> stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear

> make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look

> pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.'

>

> Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash

> because you never know who you might meet.

>

> It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably

> because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface).

> Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will

> not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight

> with.

>

> One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She

> told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that

> I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could

> live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot

> of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems

> to have always drilled it home for me.

>

> is

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Looking for earth-friendly autos?

> Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for a while.

But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I might just have to

hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a terrible habit, but it really

calms me down.

That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink or other

self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep from letting that

become a coping mechanism for everything else?

" K. F Woods " wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many

cigarettes). I can only imagine how

difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is

something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or

undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other

than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They

will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and

confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that

my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our

high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him

because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was

confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure

out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got

angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!.

If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the

street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts.

None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to

finally be able to go limited n/c!!!!

JL Suess wrote:

> I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to

> it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our

> similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some

> times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring

> them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird

> thing for nada to say/do " .

>

> Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always

> pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an

> effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them

> were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy

> friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends

> (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior).

> Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for

> sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT.

> I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious

> boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so

> that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually.

> With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in

> the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped

> from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too

> restricting on top. I bought my

> own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry

> red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I

> felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came

> home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the

> only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been

> so furious in my life.

>

> Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to

> have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for

> her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant

> when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade

> " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought

> dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she

> wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end

> up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only

> consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and

> it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the

> relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right

> for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times.

> Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you

> do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced

> a french kiss in front of a few of

> her friends and how traumitizing it was.

>

> I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story "

> for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a

> friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and

> he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high

> school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still

> gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all

> I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis

> cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this

> happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to

> me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of

> abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of

> old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes,

> the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how

> great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared

> an STD. To make it worse,

> when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I

> thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had

> miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada,

> and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my

> father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas

> party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took

> place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my

> girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of

> limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I

> don't even know.

>

> Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark

> and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it

> actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to

> find my cigarettes and kleenex....

>

> doticus > wrote: 'Even

> though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that

> that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the

> stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear

> make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look

> pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.'

>

> Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash

> because you never know who you might meet.

>

> It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably

> because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface).

> Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will

> not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight

> with.

>

> One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She

> told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that

> I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could

> live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot

> of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems

> to have always drilled it home for me.

>

> is

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Looking for earth-friendly autos?

> Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I understand this too and have been there. I never really drank alcohol,

e/xcept/ at family gatherings or when I was visiting her. It was the

only way I could cope. I hope and think that as you become healthier and

get stronger in your understanding that this is not your fault (you

didn't cause it, cant' cure it, can't change her) you will need these

less. I have found it to be true.

JL Suess wrote:

> Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for

> a while. But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I

> might just have to hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a

> terrible habit, but it really calms me down.

>

> That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink

> or other self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep

> from letting that become a coping mechanism for everything else?

>

> " K. F Woods " <kwoods8@... <mailto:kwoods8%40triad.rr.com>>

> wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many cigarettes). I can only

> imagine how

> difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is

> something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or

> undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other

> than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They

> will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and

> confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that

> my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our

> high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him

> because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was

> confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure

> out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got

> angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!.

> If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the

> street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts.

> None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to

> finally be able to go limited n/c!!!!

>

> JL Suess wrote:

>

> > I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to

> > it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our

> > similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some

> > times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring

> > them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird

> > thing for nada to say/do " .

> >

> > Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always

> > pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an

> > effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them

> > were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy

> > friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends

> > (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior).

> > Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for

> > sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT.

> > I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious

> > boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so

> > that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually.

> > With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in

> > the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped

> > from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too

> > restricting on top. I bought my

> > own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry

> > red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I

> > felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came

> > home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the

> > only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been

> > so furious in my life.

> >

> > Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to

> > have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for

> > her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant

> > when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade

> > " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought

> > dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she

> > wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end

> > up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only

> > consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and

> > it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the

> > relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right

> > for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times.

> > Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you

> > do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced

> > a french kiss in front of a few of

> > her friends and how traumitizing it was.

> >

> > I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story "

> > for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a

> > friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and

> > he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high

> > school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still

> > gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all

> > I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis

> > cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this

> > happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to

> > me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of

> > abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of

> > old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes,

> > the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how

> > great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared

> > an STD. To make it worse,

> > when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I

> > thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had

> > miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada,

> > and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my

> > father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas

> > party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took

> > place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my

> > girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of

> > limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I

> > don't even know.

> >

> > Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark

> > and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it

> > actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to

> > find my cigarettes and kleenex....

> >

> > doticus > wrote: 'Even

> > though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that

> > that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the

> > stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear

> > make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look

> > pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.'

> >

> > Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash

> > because you never know who you might meet.

> >

> > It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably

> > because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface).

> > Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will

> > not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight

> > with.

> >

> > One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She

> > told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that

> > I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could

> > live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot

> > of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems

> > to have always drilled it home for me.

> >

> > is

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Looking for earth-friendly autos?

> > Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I understand this too and have been there. I never really drank alcohol,

e/xcept/ at family gatherings or when I was visiting her. It was the

only way I could cope. I hope and think that as you become healthier and

get stronger in your understanding that this is not your fault (you

didn't cause it, cant' cure it, can't change her) you will need these

less. I have found it to be true.

JL Suess wrote:

> Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for

> a while. But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I

> might just have to hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a

> terrible habit, but it really calms me down.

>

> That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink

> or other self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep

> from letting that become a coping mechanism for everything else?

>

> " K. F Woods " <kwoods8@... <mailto:kwoods8%40triad.rr.com>>

> wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many cigarettes). I can only

> imagine how

> difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is

> something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or

> undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other

> than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They

> will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and

> confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that

> my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our

> high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him

> because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was

> confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure

> out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got

> angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!.

> If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the

> street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts.

> None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to

> finally be able to go limited n/c!!!!

>

> JL Suess wrote:

>

> > I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to

> > it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our

> > similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some

> > times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring

> > them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird

> > thing for nada to say/do " .

> >

> > Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always

> > pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an

> > effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them

> > were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy

> > friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends

> > (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior).

> > Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for

> > sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT.

> > I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious

> > boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so

> > that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually.

> > With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in

> > the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped

> > from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too

> > restricting on top. I bought my

> > own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry

> > red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I

> > felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came

> > home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the

> > only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been

> > so furious in my life.

> >

> > Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to

> > have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for

> > her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant

> > when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade

> > " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought

> > dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she

> > wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end

> > up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only

> > consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and

> > it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the

> > relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right

> > for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times.

> > Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you

> > do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced

> > a french kiss in front of a few of

> > her friends and how traumitizing it was.

> >

> > I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story "

> > for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a

> > friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and

> > he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high

> > school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still

> > gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all

> > I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis

> > cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this

> > happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to

> > me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of

> > abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of

> > old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes,

> > the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how

> > great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared

> > an STD. To make it worse,

> > when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I

> > thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had

> > miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada,

> > and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my

> > father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas

> > party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took

> > place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my

> > girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of

> > limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I

> > don't even know.

> >

> > Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark

> > and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it

> > actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to

> > find my cigarettes and kleenex....

> >

> > doticus > wrote: 'Even

> > though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that

> > that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the

> > stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear

> > make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look

> > pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.'

> >

> > Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash

> > because you never know who you might meet.

> >

> > It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably

> > because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface).

> > Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will

> > not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight

> > with.

> >

> > One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She

> > told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that

> > I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could

> > live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot

> > of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems

> > to have always drilled it home for me.

> >

> > is

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Looking for earth-friendly autos?

> > Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh, my gosh. The horror stories I have over my clothes. They were

never right. Every purchase took hours at the store. Because,

nothing I liked pleased her. And she'd have to agree to it. Then,

every morning before school I'd have a horrible panic attack and

feel so insecure. Because, no matter what I wore, something was

wrong. And no matter how long I spent combing my hair...there was

an ugly hair out of place. She told me that I'd never be very

pretty. " But, you can dress striking. " She'd say. But, she'd

told me that is what her mother had told her....interesting. She

complained about my nose and my poor side profile. Strangely,

though, I'd hear neighbors say things to her like, " your daughter

is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. " That would cause me to

pause and wonder in confusion which was it? And why, if I was so

beautiful, did my mother say I wasn't? The mixed messages I

recieved were insane. I had no self worth at all. It was only

recently, my mother turned to me and I'm 40 years old now. And she

said, " You have a pretty side profile. You know you are really a

beautiful girl. " I sat there in utter astonishment. Wow ! really

weird moment. But, then of course, now I'm a little older and a

little less svelte than when I was 16. So, she went back to

pointing out my imperfections. Nonetheless, it was an interesting

moment.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time

again,

> > > > as

> > > > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe

your FOO

> > > > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has

anyone else

> > > > > noticed this?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP

families,

> > > > where

> > > > > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> > > > population.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things

like

> > > > that.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble

words,

> > > > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> > > > probably.

> > > > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A

personality " ,

> > > > things

> > > > > like that.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > These were everyday words.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> > > > language

> > > > > among us?

> > > > > > WTH.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Me too. " Absolutely filthy lustful awful and disgusting " ....and that includes

everything from me hugging my husband onward. God forbid we ever kissed! And

there has never been any intimacy I've seen with my Dad (never even holding

hands). You'd think me and my sibs were immaculate conceptions. Yet when she and

Dad separated for a while, my husband refused to go over to her house even with

me because she'd show up in some sleazy outfit body parts hanging out everywhere

and lean all over him. When I suggested she might need to put on a blouse under

that jumper before she wore it to church, she just said, " Oh nobody looks at an

old woman " . Never could figure it out. When Dad moved back into their home,

she immediately began dressing almost prudishly, especially in front of Dad.

It wasn't to impress him, it was so he wouldn't lust after her. -

pandoodle2001 wrote: my mother was the

opposite...sex was dirty and a huge no no. She

never taught me the facts of life, never said a thing about monthly

bleeding..wow, was I scared when that happened !! I've been married

to a great guy for almost 26 years. Mother still hates it if he

gives me a quick kiss on the lips...or if he hugs me in front of

her...she has pulled me aside and told me how disguesting we are and

that this is not the place for that kind of behavior !! Needless to

say she never hugged us kids when we were little, never told us she

loved us...WE always had to give her a kiss on the cheek at bed

time, though...

Jackie

>

> Bless you for your writings. It is so good just to release and

this

> is the place to do it.

>

> Your mother's words and action,we all know hurt you. I know that

> feeling I have been there. Your nada teaching you sexual

techinques

> is just so wrong. It sounds like despite all your unhealthy

> experiences with your mother, you are finding your way.

>

> Take care of yourself and keep sharing,

> malinda

>

---------------------------------

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

[Guest guest]

Me too. " Absolutely filthy lustful awful and disgusting " ....and that includes

everything from me hugging my husband onward. God forbid we ever kissed! And

there has never been any intimacy I've seen with my Dad (never even holding

hands). You'd think me and my sibs were immaculate conceptions. Yet when she and

Dad separated for a while, my husband refused to go over to her house even with

me because she'd show up in some sleazy outfit body parts hanging out everywhere

and lean all over him. When I suggested she might need to put on a blouse under

that jumper before she wore it to church, she just said, " Oh nobody looks at an

old woman " . Never could figure it out. When Dad moved back into their home,

she immediately began dressing almost prudishly, especially in front of Dad.

It wasn't to impress him, it was so he wouldn't lust after her. -

pandoodle2001 wrote: my mother was the

opposite...sex was dirty and a huge no no. She

never taught me the facts of life, never said a thing about monthly

bleeding..wow, was I scared when that happened !! I've been married

to a great guy for almost 26 years. Mother still hates it if he

gives me a quick kiss on the lips...or if he hugs me in front of

her...she has pulled me aside and told me how disguesting we are and

that this is not the place for that kind of behavior !! Needless to

say she never hugged us kids when we were little, never told us she

loved us...WE always had to give her a kiss on the cheek at bed

time, though...

Jackie

>

> Bless you for your writings. It is so good just to release and

this

> is the place to do it.

>

> Your mother's words and action,we all know hurt you. I know that

> feeling I have been there. Your nada teaching you sexual

techinques

> is just so wrong. It sounds like despite all your unhealthy

> experiences with your mother, you are finding your way.

>

> Take care of yourself and keep sharing,

> malinda

>

---------------------------------

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

[Guest guest]

Me too. " Absolutely filthy lustful awful and disgusting " ....and that includes

everything from me hugging my husband onward. God forbid we ever kissed! And

there has never been any intimacy I've seen with my Dad (never even holding

hands). You'd think me and my sibs were immaculate conceptions. Yet when she and

Dad separated for a while, my husband refused to go over to her house even with

me because she'd show up in some sleazy outfit body parts hanging out everywhere

and lean all over him. When I suggested she might need to put on a blouse under

that jumper before she wore it to church, she just said, " Oh nobody looks at an

old woman " . Never could figure it out. When Dad moved back into their home,

she immediately began dressing almost prudishly, especially in front of Dad.

It wasn't to impress him, it was so he wouldn't lust after her. -

pandoodle2001 wrote: my mother was the

opposite...sex was dirty and a huge no no. She

never taught me the facts of life, never said a thing about monthly

bleeding..wow, was I scared when that happened !! I've been married

to a great guy for almost 26 years. Mother still hates it if he

gives me a quick kiss on the lips...or if he hugs me in front of

her...she has pulled me aside and told me how disguesting we are and

that this is not the place for that kind of behavior !! Needless to

say she never hugged us kids when we were little, never told us she

loved us...WE always had to give her a kiss on the cheek at bed

time, though...

Jackie

>

> Bless you for your writings. It is so good just to release and

this

> is the place to do it.

>

> Your mother's words and action,we all know hurt you. I know that

> feeling I have been there. Your nada teaching you sexual

techinques

> is just so wrong. It sounds like despite all your unhealthy

> experiences with your mother, you are finding your way.

>

> Take care of yourself and keep sharing,

> malinda

>

---------------------------------

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

[Guest guest]

Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used

to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find

it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you

can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I

would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find

because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral.

One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the

vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find

it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if

my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human

being on this earth.

And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep

in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her

paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast,

which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would

make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix

it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her

newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes,

or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need

be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel

and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get

her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back

to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this

and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I

wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to

go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we

weren't going anywhere.

Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've

ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a

single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her

distorted view of the world and how I should treat her.

Thanks guys.

Melany

> > >

> > >

> > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again,

> as

> > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO

> > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > noticed this?

> > >

> > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> where

> > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> population.

> > >

> > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> that.

> > >

> > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> probably.

> > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> things

> > like that.

> > >

> > > These were everyday words.

> > >

> > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> language

> > among us?

> > > WTH.

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used

to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find

it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you

can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I

would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find

because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral.

One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the

vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find

it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if

my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human

being on this earth.

And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep

in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her

paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast,

which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would

make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix

it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her

newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes,

or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need

be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel

and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get

her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back

to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this

and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I

wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to

go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we

weren't going anywhere.

Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've

ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a

single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her

distorted view of the world and how I should treat her.

Thanks guys.

Melany

> > >

> > >

> > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again,

> as

> > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO

> > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > noticed this?

> > >

> > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> where

> > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> population.

> > >

> > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> that.

> > >

> > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> probably.

> > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> things

> > like that.

> > >

> > > These were everyday words.

> > >

> > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> language

> > among us?

> > > WTH.

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Believe me when I tell you we have all had triggers of memories and written

books on here.

Lilly

junkinthere wrote:

Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used

to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find

it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you

can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I

would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find

because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral.

One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the

vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find

it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if

my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human

being on this earth.

And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep

in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her

paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast,

which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would

make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix

it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her

newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes,

or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need

be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel

and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get

her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back

to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this

and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I

wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to

go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we

weren't going anywhere.

Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've

ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a

single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her

distorted view of the world and how I should treat her.

Thanks guys.

Melany

> > >

> > >

> > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again,

> as

> > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO

> > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > noticed this?

> > >

> > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> where

> > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> population.

> > >

> > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> that.

> > >

> > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> probably.

> > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> things

> > like that.

> > >

> > > These were everyday words.

> > >

> > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> language

> > among us?

> > > WTH.

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Believe me when I tell you we have all had triggers of memories and written

books on here.

Lilly

junkinthere wrote:

Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used

to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find

it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you

can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I

would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find

because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral.

One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the

vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find

it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if

my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human

being on this earth.

And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep

in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her

paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast,

which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would

make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix

it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her

newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes,

or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need

be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel

and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get

her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back

to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this

and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I

wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to

go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we

weren't going anywhere.

Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've

ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a

single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her

distorted view of the world and how I should treat her.

Thanks guys.

Melany

> > >

> > >

> > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again,

> as

> > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO

> > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else

> > noticed this?

> > >

> > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families,

> where

> > specific words have a different meaning from the general

> population.

> > >

> > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like

> that.

> > >

> > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words,

> > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting

> probably.

> > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " ,

> things

> > like that.

> > >

> > > These were everyday words.

> > >

> > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English

> language

> > among us?

> > > WTH.

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection.

> > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta.

> > >

> > >