Guest guest Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for a while. But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I might just have to hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a terrible habit, but it really calms me down. That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink or other self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep from letting that become a coping mechanism for everything else? " K. F Woods " wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many cigarettes). I can only imagine how difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!. If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts. None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to finally be able to go limited n/c!!!! JL Suess wrote: > I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to > it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our > similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some > times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring > them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird > thing for nada to say/do " . > > Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always > pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an > effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them > were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy > friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends > (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior). > Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for > sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT. > I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious > boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so > that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually. > With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in > the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped > from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too > restricting on top. I bought my > own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry > red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I > felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came > home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the > only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been > so furious in my life. > > Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to > have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for > her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant > when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade > " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought > dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she > wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end > up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only > consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and > it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the > relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right > for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times. > Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you > do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced > a french kiss in front of a few of > her friends and how traumitizing it was. > > I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story " > for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a > friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and > he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high > school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still > gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all > I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis > cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this > happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to > me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of > abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of > old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes, > the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how > great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared > an STD. To make it worse, > when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I > thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had > miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada, > and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my > father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas > party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took > place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my > girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of > limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I > don't even know. > > Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark > and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it > actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to > find my cigarettes and kleenex.... > > doticus > wrote: 'Even > though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that > that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the > stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear > make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look > pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.' > > Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash > because you never know who you might meet. > > It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably > because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface). > Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will > not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight > with. > > One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She > told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that > I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could > live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot > of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems > to have always drilled it home for me. > > is > > > --------------------------------- > Looking for earth-friendly autos? > Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for a while. But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I might just have to hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a terrible habit, but it really calms me down. That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink or other self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep from letting that become a coping mechanism for everything else? " K. F Woods " wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many cigarettes). I can only imagine how difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!. If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts. None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to finally be able to go limited n/c!!!! JL Suess wrote: > I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to > it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our > similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some > times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring > them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird > thing for nada to say/do " . > > Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always > pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an > effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them > were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy > friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends > (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior). > Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for > sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT. > I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious > boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so > that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually. > With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in > the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped > from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too > restricting on top. I bought my > own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry > red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I > felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came > home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the > only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been > so furious in my life. > > Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to > have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for > her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant > when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade > " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought > dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she > wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end > up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only > consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and > it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the > relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right > for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times. > Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you > do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced > a french kiss in front of a few of > her friends and how traumitizing it was. > > I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story " > for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a > friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and > he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high > school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still > gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all > I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis > cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this > happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to > me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of > abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of > old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes, > the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how > great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared > an STD. To make it worse, > when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I > thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had > miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada, > and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my > father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas > party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took > place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my > girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of > limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I > don't even know. > > Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark > and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it > actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to > find my cigarettes and kleenex.... > > doticus > wrote: 'Even > though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that > that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the > stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear > make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look > pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.' > > Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash > because you never know who you might meet. > > It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably > because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface). > Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will > not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight > with. > > One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She > told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that > I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could > live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot > of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems > to have always drilled it home for me. > > is > > > --------------------------------- > Looking for earth-friendly autos? > Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 I understand this too and have been there. I never really drank alcohol, e/xcept/ at family gatherings or when I was visiting her. It was the only way I could cope. I hope and think that as you become healthier and get stronger in your understanding that this is not your fault (you didn't cause it, cant' cure it, can't change her) you will need these less. I have found it to be true. JL Suess wrote: > Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for > a while. But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I > might just have to hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a > terrible habit, but it really calms me down. > > That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink > or other self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep > from letting that become a coping mechanism for everything else? > > " K. F Woods " <kwoods8@... <mailto:kwoods8%40triad.rr.com>> > wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many cigarettes). I can only > imagine how > difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is > something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or > undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other > than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They > will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and > confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that > my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our > high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him > because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was > confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure > out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got > angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!. > If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the > street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts. > None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to > finally be able to go limited n/c!!!! > > JL Suess wrote: > > > I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to > > it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our > > similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some > > times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring > > them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird > > thing for nada to say/do " . > > > > Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always > > pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an > > effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them > > were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy > > friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends > > (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior). > > Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for > > sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT. > > I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious > > boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so > > that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually. > > With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in > > the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped > > from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too > > restricting on top. I bought my > > own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry > > red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I > > felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came > > home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the > > only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been > > so furious in my life. > > > > Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to > > have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for > > her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant > > when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade > > " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought > > dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she > > wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end > > up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only > > consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and > > it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the > > relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right > > for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times. > > Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you > > do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced > > a french kiss in front of a few of > > her friends and how traumitizing it was. > > > > I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story " > > for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a > > friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and > > he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high > > school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still > > gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all > > I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis > > cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this > > happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to > > me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of > > abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of > > old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes, > > the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how > > great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared > > an STD. To make it worse, > > when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I > > thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had > > miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada, > > and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my > > father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas > > party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took > > place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my > > girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of > > limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I > > don't even know. > > > > Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark > > and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it > > actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to > > find my cigarettes and kleenex.... > > > > doticus > wrote: 'Even > > though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that > > that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the > > stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear > > make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look > > pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.' > > > > Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash > > because you never know who you might meet. > > > > It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably > > because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface). > > Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will > > not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight > > with. > > > > One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She > > told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that > > I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could > > live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot > > of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems > > to have always drilled it home for me. > > > > is > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Looking for earth-friendly autos? > > Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 I understand this too and have been there. I never really drank alcohol, e/xcept/ at family gatherings or when I was visiting her. It was the only way I could cope. I hope and think that as you become healthier and get stronger in your understanding that this is not your fault (you didn't cause it, cant' cure it, can't change her) you will need these less. I have found it to be true. JL Suess wrote: > Thanks for the kind words. Y'know I've been trying to quit smoking for > a while. But, I see any reminder of nada and I light up. I think I > might just have to hang onto the cigarettes for a bit longer. It's a > terrible habit, but it really calms me down. > > That reminds me, anyone else (especially LC people), reach for a drink > or other self-medication for comfort from your nada? How do you keep > from letting that become a coping mechanism for everything else? > > " K. F Woods " <kwoods8@... <mailto:kwoods8%40triad.rr.com>> > wrote: Take care of yourself (not too many cigarettes). I can only > imagine how > difficult that time was for you; unbelievable. I think there is > something about BP mothers that causes them to either oversexualize or > undersexualize things. My nada 'never' talked to me about sex, other > than to say 'only bad girls have sex'. But for boys, it was OK. 'They > will sow their wild oats'. Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and > confused. I was your quintessential 'good girl'; when I found out that > my boyfriend of 3 years was having sex (with half of the girls in our > high school) I was devastated. My mother said I should forgive him > because it was normal for boys to do that - which of course, was > confusing to me. Anyway, needless to say it took years for me to figure > out that being a sexual-person was OK. Once when my queen nada got > angry, she screamed at me, 'You are successful today because of me!!!. > If it wasn't for me, you would be a hooker on the street'. Hooker on the > street???? I tell you, they can come up with some distorted thoughts. > None of us deserve it. I feel so empowered hearing your stories and to > finally be able to go limited n/c!!!! > > JL Suess wrote: > > > I know this thread is like 50 messages back, but I wanted to add to > > it. I'm beginning to think that just reading these and sharing our > > similar experiences is immensely helpful. Like re-processing. Some > > times I find I've forgotten things but someone else's post will bring > > them to light again and I always think, " wow, that was a really weird > > thing for nada to say/do " . > > > > Anyway, there's one incident I think about everyday. She was always > > pressuring me to take more care with my appearance and to make an > > effort to get men. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends and most of them > > were fakes. I'm gay and I never wanted her to know so I'd have a guy > > friend pick me up and then go hang out with him, just as friends > > (there were no other lesbians at my school until I was a senior). > > Finally, I did have a serious boyfriend. I figured I couldn't know for > > sure until I tried both, right? I couldn't even trust myself on THAT. > > I wanted to look really pretty at the prom with this new serious > > boyfriend. I took another job (I already worked for nada full-time) so > > that I could have some money of my own. Nada took the rest usually. > > With that and school I was exhausted. But I still got up at 5:30 in > > the morning to go to the gym. I dieted, even abused pills. I dropped > > from a size 6 to being a little too small for a 2, but the 0 was too > > restricting on top. I bought my > > own gown from Saks. I'd never even been in there before. It was cherry > > red and beautiful. I had my hair and make-up professionally done and I > > felt like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. So when I came > > home to show sister and nada my months of work come to fruition, the > > only thing nada could say is " you look like a whore. " I've never been > > so furious in my life. > > > > Anyway, she was happy about the boyfriend. She kept pressuring me to > > have sex with him so I wouldn't loose him. That wasn't unusual for > > her. She taught me how to give a blowjob using a straw in a restaurant > > when I was ten. When I went on my first date, a sixth grade > > " sock-hop " , she told me to use this newly taught skill if he bought > > dessert. The logic there was that he'd paid for it. I really think she > > wanted me to be a hooker. To make a long story much shorter, I did end > > up doing as she asked with my boyfriend. The problem was, I only > > consented once. Through next 4 months of the relationship I didn't and > > it didn't really matter. I didn't know how to get out of the > > relationship. I thought that since I did it once, sex was his right > > for the rest of the relationship. I tried to tell nada several times. > > Once I even said, " mom, what would happen if I was raped? what do you > > do when that happens? " She began to tell me about a time a guy forced > > a french kiss in front of a few of > > her friends and how traumitizing it was. > > > > I gave up then. But, she had a grand time retelling her " rape story " > > for the next couple years. My sister even threw in her own, about a > > friend of my dad's coming into her room. My dad never had friends and > > he never had anyone over. Plus, sis and I shared a bedroom until high > > school, long after the alleged attack. She was making it up. (I still > > gave her all my sympathy and support and recommended therapy) For all > > I know, nada was making it up too. I ended up helping nada and sis > > cope with their " rapes " for the next two years (I was 16 when this > > happened) all the while I never said word one about what happened to > > me. I did end the relationship with that boy after four months of > > abuse, sexual, physical, and emotional. It still brings up a lot of > > old shame to say why I ended it. Not because of the multiple rapes, > > the bruises, the insults, he even offered me to his friends saying how > > great I was in bed. It was because I caught him cheating and I feared > > an STD. To make it worse, > > when I dumped him I was pregnant. I didn't know until I had what I > > thought was a REALLY horrible period and went to the doctor. I had > > miscarried only weeks into the pregnancy. I never told sis or nada, > > and I still have to comfort sis over her lie. She even told it to my > > father and it was a completely different story involving a christmas > > party at the building he had worked in six years before the story took > > place. I haven't told my father about that boy either. I have told my > > girlfriend and my therapist. But, I did it after the statute of > > limitations went up. I didn't want him to be prosecuted, for reasons I > > don't even know. > > > > Now for some reason I typed it here. I'm sorry this post was so dark > > and a little off topic. I just kept typing. Thanks for reading, it > > actually felt pretty good to write all that out. Now I just have to > > find my cigarettes and kleenex.... > > > > doticus > wrote: 'Even > > though she is not particularly a girly girl herself. She says that > > that is the only way to get a man. And one day she actually had the > > stones to say that I couldn't keep my husband because I don't wear > > make up. (And I divorced him by the way) And that if I didn't look > > pretty all the time I would never be able to keep a man.' > > > > Yep, always wear your make-up when you are taking out the trash > > because you never know who you might meet. > > > > It's incredible how important they must think appearance is (probably > > because they are afraid of anyone scratching beneath the surface). > > Also the notion of having to live up to some standard or else you will > > not be worthy of finding someone to love you. That's one I still fight > > with. > > > > One of my mother's classic quotes was when I went to university. She > > told me to go study at the law library or the medical library so that > > I could meet a nice lawyer/doctor. Because God forbid that I could > > live my life independently! This may be more generational, since a lot > > of my aunts seem to subscribe to the same theory. But my mother seems > > to have always drilled it home for me. > > > > is > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Looking for earth-friendly autos? > > Browse Top Cars by " Green Rating " at Yahoo! Autos' Green Center. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 Oh, my gosh. The horror stories I have over my clothes. They were never right. Every purchase took hours at the store. Because, nothing I liked pleased her. And she'd have to agree to it. Then, every morning before school I'd have a horrible panic attack and feel so insecure. Because, no matter what I wore, something was wrong. And no matter how long I spent combing my hair...there was an ugly hair out of place. She told me that I'd never be very pretty. " But, you can dress striking. " She'd say. But, she'd told me that is what her mother had told her....interesting. She complained about my nose and my poor side profile. Strangely, though, I'd hear neighbors say things to her like, " your daughter is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. " That would cause me to pause and wonder in confusion which was it? And why, if I was so beautiful, did my mother say I wasn't? The mixed messages I recieved were insane. I had no self worth at all. It was only recently, my mother turned to me and I'm 40 years old now. And she said, " You have a pretty side profile. You know you are really a beautiful girl. " I sat there in utter astonishment. Wow ! really weird moment. But, then of course, now I'm a little older and a little less svelte than when I was 16. So, she went back to pointing out my imperfections. Nonetheless, it was an interesting moment. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again, > > > > as > > > > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO > > > > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else > > > > > noticed this? > > > > > > > > > > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families, > > > > where > > > > > specific words have a different meaning from the general > > > > population. > > > > > > > > > > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like > > > > that. > > > > > > > > > > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words, > > > > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting > > > > probably. > > > > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " , > > > > things > > > > > like that. > > > > > > > > > > > > These were everyday words. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English > > > > language > > > > > among us? > > > > > > WTH. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection. > > > > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2007 Report Share Posted March 24, 2007 Me too. " Absolutely filthy lustful awful and disgusting " ....and that includes everything from me hugging my husband onward. God forbid we ever kissed! And there has never been any intimacy I've seen with my Dad (never even holding hands). You'd think me and my sibs were immaculate conceptions. Yet when she and Dad separated for a while, my husband refused to go over to her house even with me because she'd show up in some sleazy outfit body parts hanging out everywhere and lean all over him. When I suggested she might need to put on a blouse under that jumper before she wore it to church, she just said, " Oh nobody looks at an old woman " . Never could figure it out. When Dad moved back into their home, she immediately began dressing almost prudishly, especially in front of Dad. It wasn't to impress him, it was so he wouldn't lust after her. - pandoodle2001 wrote: my mother was the opposite...sex was dirty and a huge no no. She never taught me the facts of life, never said a thing about monthly bleeding..wow, was I scared when that happened !! I've been married to a great guy for almost 26 years. Mother still hates it if he gives me a quick kiss on the lips...or if he hugs me in front of her...she has pulled me aside and told me how disguesting we are and that this is not the place for that kind of behavior !! Needless to say she never hugged us kids when we were little, never told us she loved us...WE always had to give her a kiss on the cheek at bed time, though... Jackie > > Bless you for your writings. It is so good just to release and this > is the place to do it. > > Your mother's words and action,we all know hurt you. I know that > feeling I have been there. Your nada teaching you sexual techinques > is just so wrong. It sounds like despite all your unhealthy > experiences with your mother, you are finding your way. > > Take care of yourself and keep sharing, > malinda > --------------------------------- The fish are biting. Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2007 Report Share Posted March 24, 2007 Me too. " Absolutely filthy lustful awful and disgusting " ....and that includes everything from me hugging my husband onward. God forbid we ever kissed! And there has never been any intimacy I've seen with my Dad (never even holding hands). You'd think me and my sibs were immaculate conceptions. Yet when she and Dad separated for a while, my husband refused to go over to her house even with me because she'd show up in some sleazy outfit body parts hanging out everywhere and lean all over him. When I suggested she might need to put on a blouse under that jumper before she wore it to church, she just said, " Oh nobody looks at an old woman " . Never could figure it out. When Dad moved back into their home, she immediately began dressing almost prudishly, especially in front of Dad. It wasn't to impress him, it was so he wouldn't lust after her. - pandoodle2001 wrote: my mother was the opposite...sex was dirty and a huge no no. She never taught me the facts of life, never said a thing about monthly bleeding..wow, was I scared when that happened !! I've been married to a great guy for almost 26 years. Mother still hates it if he gives me a quick kiss on the lips...or if he hugs me in front of her...she has pulled me aside and told me how disguesting we are and that this is not the place for that kind of behavior !! Needless to say she never hugged us kids when we were little, never told us she loved us...WE always had to give her a kiss on the cheek at bed time, though... Jackie > > Bless you for your writings. It is so good just to release and this > is the place to do it. > > Your mother's words and action,we all know hurt you. I know that > feeling I have been there. Your nada teaching you sexual techinques > is just so wrong. It sounds like despite all your unhealthy > experiences with your mother, you are finding your way. > > Take care of yourself and keep sharing, > malinda > --------------------------------- The fish are biting. Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 24, 2007 Report Share Posted March 24, 2007 Me too. " Absolutely filthy lustful awful and disgusting " ....and that includes everything from me hugging my husband onward. God forbid we ever kissed! And there has never been any intimacy I've seen with my Dad (never even holding hands). You'd think me and my sibs were immaculate conceptions. Yet when she and Dad separated for a while, my husband refused to go over to her house even with me because she'd show up in some sleazy outfit body parts hanging out everywhere and lean all over him. When I suggested she might need to put on a blouse under that jumper before she wore it to church, she just said, " Oh nobody looks at an old woman " . Never could figure it out. When Dad moved back into their home, she immediately began dressing almost prudishly, especially in front of Dad. It wasn't to impress him, it was so he wouldn't lust after her. - pandoodle2001 wrote: my mother was the opposite...sex was dirty and a huge no no. She never taught me the facts of life, never said a thing about monthly bleeding..wow, was I scared when that happened !! I've been married to a great guy for almost 26 years. Mother still hates it if he gives me a quick kiss on the lips...or if he hugs me in front of her...she has pulled me aside and told me how disguesting we are and that this is not the place for that kind of behavior !! Needless to say she never hugged us kids when we were little, never told us she loved us...WE always had to give her a kiss on the cheek at bed time, though... Jackie > > Bless you for your writings. It is so good just to release and this > is the place to do it. > > Your mother's words and action,we all know hurt you. I know that > feeling I have been there. Your nada teaching you sexual techinques > is just so wrong. It sounds like despite all your unhealthy > experiences with your mother, you are finding your way. > > Take care of yourself and keep sharing, > malinda > --------------------------------- The fish are biting. Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 27, 2007 Report Share Posted March 27, 2007 Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral. One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human being on this earth. And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast, which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes, or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we weren't going anywhere. Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her distorted view of the world and how I should treat her. Thanks guys. Melany > > > > > > > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again, > as > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else > > noticed this? > > > > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families, > where > > specific words have a different meaning from the general > population. > > > > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like > that. > > > > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words, > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting > probably. > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " , > things > > like that. > > > > > > These were everyday words. > > > > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English > language > > among us? > > > WTH. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection. > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 27, 2007 Report Share Posted March 27, 2007 Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral. One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human being on this earth. And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast, which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes, or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we weren't going anywhere. Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her distorted view of the world and how I should treat her. Thanks guys. Melany > > > > > > > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again, > as > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else > > noticed this? > > > > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families, > where > > specific words have a different meaning from the general > population. > > > > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like > that. > > > > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words, > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting > probably. > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " , > things > > like that. > > > > > > These were everyday words. > > > > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English > language > > among us? > > > WTH. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection. > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 27, 2007 Report Share Posted March 27, 2007 Believe me when I tell you we have all had triggers of memories and written books on here. Lilly junkinthere wrote: Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral. One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human being on this earth. And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast, which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes, or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we weren't going anywhere. Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her distorted view of the world and how I should treat her. Thanks guys. Melany > > > > > > > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again, > as > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else > > noticed this? > > > > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families, > where > > specific words have a different meaning from the general > population. > > > > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like > that. > > > > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words, > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting > probably. > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " , > things > > like that. > > > > > > These were everyday words. > > > > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English > language > > among us? > > > WTH. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection. > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 27, 2007 Report Share Posted March 27, 2007 Believe me when I tell you we have all had triggers of memories and written books on here. Lilly junkinthere wrote: Oh my god! I know I'm probaby the fifth person here, but my mom used to make me look for all kinds of stuff, and then when I couldn't find it she would go in and find it right away. Then she would tell me " you can never find anything because you're not even trying to look! " . I would try so hard to find whatever it was she was asking me to find because I wanted so badly to impress her, or at minimum to be neutral. One day as a teenager I searched up and down the house looking for the vacume cleaner (I was also the solo chore-doer) and I couldn't find it. Then she found it right away, and I just burst out in tears as if my dog had just died. I felt like the most worthless incompetent human being on this earth. And in the mornings I would have to find her glasses (she fell asleep in them every night and couldn't find them in the morning), get her paper so she could sit in bed and read it while I made her breakfast, which was always disgusting judging by the horrible faces she would make. She would complain about what was wrong with it and then go fix it or make me do it again. She would then continue reading her newspaper while I got her medication(s) and a drink (with ice cubes, or else!). I then had to find her some clothes and iron them if need be, find her some suitable and clean underware, and lay out a towel and washcloth. I would then have to beg and bargain in order to get her to take a shower, with mixed success. Then if she didn't go back to the newspaper we could begin the day. Some days I didn't do this and she just laid in bed all day, hungry and unmedicated, and dirty. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I was afraid of even asking to go to the movies, and I knew that unless I did all of the above we weren't going anywhere. Wow, I didn't mean to write this much but this is the first time I've ever been able to relate to someone. I have no siblings and she was a single mom, so it was just me. All the better for painting her distorted view of the world and how I should treat her. Thanks guys. Melany > > > > > > > > > One thing I have noticed that surprises me time and time again, > as > > I read the posts on this group, is the words you describe your FOO > > using. They are the same words my FOO would use. Has anyone else > > noticed this? > > > > > > It's like there is a special vocabulary used by BP families, > where > > specific words have a different meaning from the general > population. > > > > > > For example, " grounding " , " consequences " , " brat " , things like > that. > > > > > > Also, my FOO used to sling around a lot of psycho-babble words, > > accusing each other of being all these things, projecting > probably. > > " passive aggressive " , " chronic anger " , " Type A personality " , > things > > like that. > > > > > > These were everyday words. > > > > > > Anyone else notice we share a special use of the English > language > > among us? > > > WTH. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Sucker-punch spam with award-winning protection. > > > Try the free Yahoo! Mail Beta. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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