boyfriend left over pa, any advice?

November 1, 2006

Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to reach out for

advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has been unfaithful to me. When

confronted with it he announced he can no longer deal with the " issues "

surrounding my disease state as he calls it. I am too tired to do things, my

hips hurt, always sick from the humira/mtx. etc, etc. In other words, my pa

makes me a very dull girl.

Obviously I dumped him but, I did love him and it hurts a great deal. I am

trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem but it is getting harder and

harder. Has anyone out there experienced this? Any advice for me?

---------------------------------

Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small Business.

November 1, 2006

Whew. Yes. Unfortunately I had a boyfriend who flipped out over my PA

diagnosis early on. I was actually still in denial about the illness and hadn't

even begun any serious treatment regime. When I was first diagnosed the doctor

told me I wouldn't be able to continue dancing (which was a HUGE part of my

life). My boyfriend had remained completely silent about it for weeks. Then I

finally said " Do you have any thoughts or feelings on the topic? " And he said

" Yeah, I think I better find somebody else to go hiking and dancing with. " Not

too supportive. I dumped him. It was the best decision I ever made. The thing

is, if a person loves you, they love you including stuff like a diagnosis of PA,

not " in spite of " it. There is somebody out there much better for you than that

guy. I know it is a lonley place to be. Just getting a diagnosis like this can

make you feel pretty isolated. But please take heart. This list is full of

people who really understand.

Take care,

K

[Editor's Note: Kendrick is absolutely right. Unless a partner is going to be

part of the solution, he or she becomes part of the problem - and we don't need

more problems. I think we also must remember, though, that the disease doesn't

just strike us, it also strikes the people around us. If we expect people to

enjoy being with us, we have to remain being the sort of person that people like

being around. This doesn't mean lying about how we feel, but it does mean that

we should try to be as positive and upbeat as we can and that we should be

enthusiastic and caring about the people around us. Whenever I am in the midst

of a flare, I have a tendency to get quite whiney so I make my partner promise

to tell me when I am getting to be annoying - because being mopey, sad and

whiney also annoys ME no end and that's not how I want to be for myself or

others. So, good for you for dumping someone who wasn't worth holding onto and

remember that as long as you remain the kind of person people want to be with,

there will always be someone out there who WILL want to be with you no matter

what. PA may mean that our feet can no longer dance, but our hearts can. Kathy

F.]

nne Godwin <magnoliagirly@...> wrote:

Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to reach

out for advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has been unfaithful to

me. When confronted with it he announced he can no longer deal with the " issues "

surrounding my disease state as he calls it. I am too tired to do things, my

hips hurt, always sick from the humira/mtx. etc, etc. In other words, my pa

makes me a very dull girl.

Obviously I dumped him but, I did love him and it hurts a great deal. I am

trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem but it is getting harder and

harder. Has anyone out there experienced this? Any advice for me?

---------------------------------

Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small Business.

November 1, 2006

Wow! What a selfish young man! I am so sorry to hear what you have

just gone through. I don't think many of us are the life of the party

we used to be (except maybe the Viking Warrior), but still, there is

much we have to offer.

Given there are more than 3 billion other males on the planet - with

at least 300,000,000 of them being potential boyfriends, how can you

see yourself proceeding from here?

Brent

November 1, 2006

nne - the problem is not that you " are a very dull girl " - the

problem is that he is a selfish clod!

I know it hurts, but it's better to find out a person's true character

(or lack therof) sooner rather than later.

Take time to grieve your loss, then move on and forward. There are

compassionate men in this world. That's the kind of man a woman

needs, whether you have PA or not!

onward and upward,

sherry z

>

In other words, my pa makes me a very dull girl.

>

November 1, 2006

julienne , he was a weak person and wouldn't be there for you in the long

ren. You are a strong women and hang on . There are other men out there . there

are a lot of single men on this board . maybe you'll find one here . thinking

of you. i feel bad that this happened to you . .cathy from ma

November 1, 2006

amen.

November 1, 2006

Take time to grieve your loss, then move on and forward. There are compassionate

men in this world. That's the kind of man a woman needs, whether you have PA or

not!

Totally agree with you here... No one needs a partner that is going to put you

down, not support you or anything... We have enough of that threw family

members, friends and bosses... You don't want to be with someone your supposed

to depend on when the going gets tough... What would he/she be like in future???

I cringe at the thought...

Love always

Shaun and Barb

November 1, 2006

>

Hi nne,

One great big Yorkshire hug on its way... He sounds as though he

hasn't grown up, found things he doesn't understand and run away like

a child...This disease makes us know ourselves more intimately as we

need to know what works for us and what makes us flare...which makes

us much more sophisticated and interesting people...It is he who is

missing out.

Keep the light shining,

Ian.

Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to reach

out for advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has been

unfaithful to me. When confronted with it he announced he can no

longer deal with the " issues " surrounding my disease state as he calls

it. I am too tired to do things, my hips hurt, always sick from the

humira/mtx. etc, etc. In other words, my pa makes me a very dull girl.

>

> Obviously I dumped him but, I did love him and it hurts a great

deal. I am trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem but it

is getting harder and harder. Has anyone out there experienced this?

Any advice for me?

>

> ---------------------------------

> Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small Business.

>

November 1, 2006

Hi nne,

I have no advice for you as far as relationships are concerned. I have remained

single after my

divorce in 1980 because I came to the conclusion I have lousy taste in men, and

I definitely

didn't want to have to put up with another jerk. But my experience aside, I

believe there is

a special someone out there for you and you must be patient and not fall for one

of those

unfeeling, insensitive guys who only think of themselves. I'm sure you have

read posts here

on this site of many wives out there with this disease whose husbands are so

very sympathetic

and compationate. That is of course what true love is, isn't it? So just hang

in there and I'll

pray for you a good one next. God Bless,

Janet in Ca

-------------- Original message --------------

From: nne Godwin <magnoliagirly@...>

> Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to reach out for

> advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has been unfaithful to me.

>

November 1, 2006

I'm not sure there is anyone out there for you or not....there is absolutely

NO guarantee that everyone finds that " perfect someone to complete them "

whether they have PA, or blessed with the most wonderful health, outer

beauty, inner beauty, or whatever. The person that feels he has to find a

life partner, or else considers his life is a failure, is a failure! Far

too many people, male and female, latch on to the first warm body and

willing person that comes along to spend the rest of their lives with, only

to end up in divorce court. They feel like they have somehow failed if they

don't have someone in their life. The most important part is to have a good

sense of self, and if someone you want to share you life with comes into the

picture, either by accident, divine intervention, or shrewd calculated

plotting and scheming, you are prepared to stand on your own two feet with

that person at your side.

I'm old: I've been married to the same man for 46 years; overall, my life

has been good! However, I'd like to think that if I'd never married that my

life would have been good also. Marriage isn't easy, so my advice for those

that feel that PA has screwed up their chance at marital bliss, don't be too

sure that was the real problem the relationship didn't work....chances are

it would have happened sooner or later... with or without PA!

Kathy is right. Sometimes when we feel like crap, it is easy for our own

feelings to infect/affect/effect those around us. If we handle our

discomfort in a way that does not bring down those around us, it is easier

for them to deal with our problems. Some people are just naturally

jerks...get them out of your life and move on. Others really just don't

understand, but will try to understand if we educate them to our needs

without sounding so miserable, bitchy, or martyred. Life is a wonderful,

exciting experience, but it ain't always easy...think of all the other

things that you might have that would be 100 times worse than what you've

got. It puts a new perspective on things when you realize that although PA

sucks, there are many, many other things far, far, worse. Grab today and

enjoy it to the best of your ability....don't waste your energy on

situations that make you less than you can be!

With warmest regards to all,

Liz T

[Editor's Note: WOW! Kathy F.]

November 1, 2006

nne...I see quite a few people have reached out to you on this

one. I'm glad to see that. I sure hate that you are having to

experience this. A few folks on here have had to deal with loosing

relationships over the stress of illness. It's a rotten way to find

out that the relationship was not as strong as you had hopec. I'm 45

and have been divorced for 6 years now. My marriage was not strong

enough to handle a special needs child or my poor health. But what

I've come to realize over the years is that as complicated as it

is....it's really very simple in the end. He did not love me enough.

That's what it all comes down to and everyone is going to tell you

the same thing (because it's true...mundane but true) " at least you

found out now " . It's hard. I got through times when I view myself

as " not good date material " or " a hard sell " . It would be difficult

for someone to deal with a special need kid, let alone my health

issues. But I remind myself of a few things when I get this way....1.

The right love rises above it all...the right love is proud of how we

sickies cope and holds us when we don't because we do that for

THEM...that's what you do for each other when you are in the right

kind of love. 2. 99% of all relationships fail. Stinks but most of us

don't hit the mark the first time. That's what dating is for. It's

the weeding out process. You just did some weeding. He had no place

in your garden. 3. Ian said it well....disease and other problems we

got through in life give us depth. They make us more interesting and

better able to cope with whatever comes along....better able to care

for those we love. What we all want and hope for is someone who will

see that in us. I hope you find it. SHeesh...I hope I find it. But in

the meantime, you have us. (that did not help much did it? lol).

Thinking about you... -Betz

November 1, 2006

nne: I am not going to offer you sympathy or advice. I will just tell you

about some of the emotions that your email evoked in me.

YOu wrote " my pa makes me a very dull girl. " I thought you must have a fit of

temporary insanity when you wrote that. Take Betz, for example, in this group,

she is almost blind and she has PA, she is about 45 years old. She kicks

something hard a few minutes now and then to release the tension, etc. She

does other crazy or not so crazy things. Let me tell you nne, I never met

Betz, but I know I love Betz, I love to kick whatever with her till I profusely

sweat and become exhausted. I love Betz with her PA. the PA did not make her a

dull girl, PA does not make you a dull girl.

YOu wrote: " obviously, I dumped him (what a proud girl you are, I like that).

>>You wrote " I did love him and it hurts a great deal. " (what a good human

being you are, capable of love, and was hurt because of love, this tells a lot

about the humanity in you, I love that).

>> You wrote " I am trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem. " (you

are trying, you are facing the situation, you are not going to let this PA ruin

your self-esteem, isn’t that heroism?)

You are a good human being nne. Let the good qualities in you show. If

I were not married, and if Betz refuses my proposal, and considering the numbers

that Brent mentioned, I can only imagine the tough competition I would be having

to have the love of a girl with such a pretty name as nne.

Cheer up, and as Ian says, let the light shines on your pretty face.

nne Godwin <magnoliagirly@...> wrote:

Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to reach

out for advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has been unfaithful to

me. When confronted with it he announced he can no longer deal with the " issues "

surrounding my disease state as he calls it. I am too tired to do things, my

hips hurt, always sick from the humira/mtx. etc, etc. In other words, my pa

makes me a very dull girl.

Obviously I dumped him but, I did love him and it hurts a great deal. I am

trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem but it is getting harder and

harder. Has anyone out there experienced this? Any advice for me?

---------------------------------

Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small Business.

November 1, 2006

nne,

I've just finished reading some very helpful and eloquent messages. I'm

typically a person of few words and also a " smart ass. "

My very first thought upon reading of your decision to " dump " him was:

I sure hope she remembered to lock that door so he can't get back in.

Hugs

Sandy swOhio

November 1, 2006

LMBO!!! nne....see what you started? Maybe all of this is giving

you some laughs. Crazy PA ladies really can attract attention, it

appears. reminded me that I forgot to share my coping technique

with you...take a bunch of supermarket shopping bags and kick the

living daylights out of them. They will fly up into the air, make

lots of noise, scare the fur off of any cats you may have in the

house and unless you pull a muscle kicking fiercely, it probably

won't cause a flare. I set the stove timer for seven minutes and then

kick bags. Works for me. I call it " Seven minutes of Pity " . Neighbors

probably call it something else. And I'm not almost blind...I'm not

seeing well out of one eye so that's almost almost blind I think.

Sigh. I agree with what someone else mentioned on here about how when

people split up, much of the time, they will use something obvious as

an excuse to break things off when the truth was that you were going

to break up anyway. (it's possible that I'm the one who said

that....I'm not all there yet after my neuro issues but I try). So

maybe it was your health and maybe it was something else. You really

are going to rise above it and in time, you can come to a place where

you are content being with yourself until the right one comes along.

Here goes my shot at impressing anyone on this site but I have to be

honest...there is some comfort in wearing butt ugly PJ's and having

belching contests with your daughter (or yourself) and not having to

worry that you'll make the apple of your eye think less of you for

it. I'm sure there is comfort in having someone special to come home

to also. But we all have to find comfort in ourselves. For now, focus

on that and you might just fall in love with nne. -Betz

November 1, 2006

OK this is one of those times that I'm purposely not editing the

post. I think people should read this dialogue again.

Kathy...forgive me but this thread is so inspiring and brilliant for

those who have been jilted or those who are just trying to live in

peace and harmony with out friends and neighbors. I love what you two

women have come up with here. nne had no idea what she started

by sharing her heartache. And that schmuck that could not see the

power and beauty in her probably has no clue that out of his

shallowness a group of people has been made stronger and wiser as we

worked together and thought it through. Seems like there should be

some theme music playing here....this is getting too sappy. But

seriously....maybe we are lucky in that our health issues help us to

weed through the people who are not going to be there for us alot

quicker than we would be able to otherwise. After reading this, I see

that as a blessing. Good show ladies. Now I'm off of this

subject...finally. -Betz

>

> Whew. Yes. Unfortunately I had a boyfriend who flipped out over

my PA diagnosis early on. I was actually still in denial about the

illness and hadn't even begun any serious treatment regime. When I

was first diagnosed the doctor told me I wouldn't be able to continue

dancing (which was a HUGE part of my life). My boyfriend had

remained completely silent about it for weeks. Then I finally

said " Do you have any thoughts or feelings on the topic? " And he

said " Yeah, I think I better find somebody else to go hiking and

dancing with. " Not too supportive. I dumped him. It was the best

decision I ever made. The thing is, if a person loves you, they love

you including stuff like a diagnosis of PA, not " in spite of " it.

There is somebody out there much better for you than that guy. I

know it is a lonley place to be. Just getting a diagnosis like this

can make you feel pretty isolated. But please take heart. This list

is full of people who really understand.

>

> Take care,

>

> K

>

> [Editor's Note: Kendrick is absolutely right. Unless a partner is

going to be part of the solution, he or she becomes part of the

problem - and we don't need more problems. I think we also must

remember, though, that the disease doesn't just strike us, it also

strikes the people around us. If we expect people to enjoy being

with us, we have to remain being the sort of person that people like

being around. This doesn't mean lying about how we feel, but it does

mean that we should try to be as positive and upbeat as we can and

that we should be enthusiastic and caring about the people around

us. Whenever I am in the midst of a flare, I have a tendency to get

quite whiney so I make my partner promise to tell me when I am

getting to be annoying - because being mopey, sad and whiney also

annoys ME no end and that's not how I want to be for myself or

others. So, good for you for dumping someone who wasn't worth

holding onto and remember that as long as you remain the kind of

person people want to be with, there will always be someone out there

who WILL want to be with you no matter what. PA may mean that our

feet can no longer dance, but our hearts can. Kathy F.]

>

November 2, 2006

I don't know that I really have advice, but I can share that my wife of 9 years

(we had been together 10-1/2) left me after PA and MS dx happened. She told me

things were " just too hard " for me. I think she meant to say for her.

Nevertheless she blamed me for not doing all the things that she had wanted to

do over the last 10 years because I was unable...I can't hike...I can't go on

super long vacations without becoming fatigued. She wanted me to be perfect.

We had a 10 day vacation to Montana to see my folks and friends wherein I had

only ONE day where I was incapicitated, and she told me that " ruined the entire

vacation " for her. Shallow. Not the woman I thought I married. She had cancer

almost 4 years ago now, and it was after that that she became impatient for me

to get better. Ironic that people with PA have a higher chance of lymphoma.

That's what she had. At any rate....I have started seeing someone now who

really accepts me exactly how I am...pain, limiations, and all. Things can get

better. May you find unconditional love.

Jayson

[Editor's Note: Great to hear that things are going well for you, Jayson. One

of the ways we can help our partners continue to do the things they love when we

can no longer do those things with them is to encourage them to pursue their

hobbies with others in the area. If your partner likes to jog and you can't,

there are running clubs. If they like to hike and you can't, there are lots of

hikers groups, etc. It is no different than us joining a reading group, a

church group or engaging in some other pursuit without our partners. Couples

often do best when they are not conjoined twins but are each able to pursue the

things they love to do with other people who love to do them. Encouraging the

people we love to have fun without us is a great gift to give them. Kathy F.]

November 2, 2006

lol i thought something along those lines but didn't dare say it . I 'm

laughing cause your funny! don't let the sob back in. You know he'll be back

begging for forgiveness

November 2, 2006

Jayson I'm so happy for you. Good advise as usual from Kathy. Things

have a way of working out, huh? -Betz

November 2, 2006

Try not to feel bad, even though it hurts, look on the bright side,

he wasn't all that if he left you because you are sick, that is how

I am looking at it. My husband of 11 years left me right after I

was diagnosed. And he certainly isn't worth the effort to keep him

anyway, he causes more of my sickness by stressing me out. So keep

your chins up! Don't waste time over lost loves, new ones will come

along. Maybe you can try and concentrate on your well being. Time

will heal your wounds but you control how long you suffer from lost

love, you can't control the PA but your outlook on lost loves you

can try and overcome. Experience in this regard. Wish I knew way

back when.

---

In , nne Godwin

<magnoliagirly@...> wrote:

>

> Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to

reach out for advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has

been unfaithful to me. When confronted with it he announced he can

no longer deal with the " issues " surrounding my disease state as he

calls it. I am too tired to do things, my hips hurt, always sick

from the humira/mtx. etc, etc. In other words, my pa makes me a very

dull girl.

>

> Obviously I dumped him but, I did love him and it hurts a great

deal. I am trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem but it

is getting harder and harder. Has anyone out there experienced this?

Any advice for me?

>

> ---------------------------------

> Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small

Business.

>

November 2, 2006

Oh, Jayson! I'm so happy for you. I hope she realizes what a catch

you are!

regards,

sherry

--- In , " Jayson Barsic " At any

rate....I have started seeing someone now who really accepts me

exactly how I am...pain, limiations, and all. Things can get better.

May you find unconditional love.

November 2, 2006

Hi nne,

None of us picked this life we have been dealt but it is upon us

and it is ours to deal with. How we choose to deal with it not only

affects us but everyone around us. It's not what a person sees on

you that in important but what they see in you. One who cannot see

past your outward appearance is blind to the inner world of all and

they are missing the greatest part of all of us. Do not let the

shallow minds of a few drag you down, for there are many out in the

world who love the inner you for who you are and not for who you

appear to be.

Glenn

>

> Hello all, well I never post anything but now I really need to

reach out for advice. Tonight I discovered my SECOND boyfriend has

been unfaithful to me. When confronted with it he announced he can

no longer deal with the " issues " surrounding my disease state as he

calls it. I am too tired to do things, my hips hurt, always sick

from the humira/mtx. etc, etc. In other words, my pa makes me a very

dull girl.

>

> Obviously I dumped him but, I did love him and it hurts a great

deal. I am trying not to let this disease ruin my self-esteem but it

is getting harder and harder. Has anyone out there experienced this?

Any advice for me?

>

> ---------------------------------

> Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small

Business.

>

November 3, 2006

Amen! I bet some of these people actually think it's better to blame

the PA than saying something THEY think is more personal. They

probably think they're sparing feelings. It's like the equivalent

of " just want to be friends " . They're assigning it to something you

have no control of, so that's supposed to be easier to take.

Gael

I agree with what someone else mentioned on here about how when

> people split up, much of the time, they will use something obvious as

> an excuse to break things off when the truth was that you were going

> to break up anyway.

November 4, 2006

Glenn, Tell me, after hearing that, I am sure you are married and making someone

a happy wife...if not? let me know.

nne

gigajak <gigajak@...> wrote: