Can anyone help?

January 28, 2005

Hi again,

It sounds as if you have already started working through some issues,

so good for you! I hope things improve. Maybe your hubby justs needs

to know which behaviours come from the AS so he doesn't think it is

just bad behaviour. As you said it comes down to education. He may

need some printed information or a specialist to speak to him.

With my daughter I accept a lot of behaviours that come with her

diagnosis and they are things she cannot help. But I won't allow her

to hit her sister or throw or destroy things. I also have taught her

to say please and thankyou and am successful in getting her to pack

away toys when she is in a calm state.But when she has a meltdown I

can't get her to do much at all. I know she finds it hard to sit

still and I know she likes a sense of order and tantrums often come

from things not being in order or together if they go together. So I

make allowances for these things. I don't get upset if she has a wee

accident or other things caused by anxiety. I never smack her or her

sister. If she hit her sister I explain that she has hurt her sister

and she has to say sorry and give her sister a cuddle (she doesn't

mind cuddles with family members). It doesn't happen very often these

days. I tend to go by a book I once read (I think it is called

disipline without shouting or spanking) that said that whatever they

do wrong (if it really is bad behaviour not AS) they have to fix it.

If my daughter shakes her drink all over the floor , I give her some

kitchen towel to clean it up. If she sqeezes toothpaste all over the

bathroom, I ask her to clean it up and I give her a cloth. Each time

explaining to her why she shouldn't do what she has done. I must say

she has never shaken her drink out again or squeezed the toothpaste

again so the principles seem to work. I guess these behaviours come

from sensory issues i.e. watching the water come out of the cup and

the effect of the toothpaste as it is squeezed out are giving her

sensory stimulation. So I don't think she needs to be yelled at

e.t.c. but I do want her to know the cause and effect of what she

does and she has to remedy it. It is not a harsh disipline it is just

taking responsibility for her actions. my point is that certain

behaviours are not acceptable but twirling e.t.c. are just symptoms

of his diagnosis.

I do agree you need some time out, my hubby and I need a night out or

something. My mum will mind my twins but I worry she will put the

television on e.t.c.

Best Wishes,

karen xxx

> > Thank you for your reply. This helps A LOT. It's helped me point

out

> > some things that I couldn't say in my original post. I guess it's

> just

> > hard for me to describe everything that is happening. Describing

it

> has

> > been difficult. (Maybe it's me that has a problem) I didn't want

to

> come

> > off or sound like my husband is " horrible " or " uncaring " he wants

> > nothing more than to have a " happy family " . None the less we

have

> large

> > problems going on that we both know if it's not fixed it's not

> going to

> > be good for anyone. My husband is also battling other things

within

> > himself as well.

> >

> > 1. Coping with being an Australian in the USA with all the

cultural

> > differences and I in my comfort zone.

> >

> > 2. Because he's not a citizen as of yet, landing a better job

has

> been

> > difficult, feels failure for being a good provider. The job he

has

> now

> > he hates but suffers through it.

> >

> > 3. Becoming a father to a step son and shortly afterwards the

> unexpected

> > death of my son's real father. The father wasn't the best of

fathers

> > although he loved my son; it was hard because I felt for my

> son

> > during this time. This made my husband feel, what am I chopped

> liver?

> >

> > 4. suffers from hereditary depression and anxiety.

> >

> > 5. It has become a " habit " of loosing control and letting anger

take

> > place, yells etc. Within good reason, if my husband doesn't

> understand

> > the Autism part then of course he would expect him to be following

> > instructions to the " T " .

> >

> > 6. I also have two step children whom reside in Australia they

are

> older

> > 18, 21. My husband associates his experience in his child rearing

> years

> > into Devin's. " My children didn't do these things and if they

did. "

> Not

> > to say that they didn't get into trouble but ..

> >

> > 7. We had a beautiful baby girl that was totally

> unexpected ..SURPRISE!

> > We are older parents.I am 37 and my husband is 44. Yes we are

> irritable

> > and less patient. I suppose. We are starting over at a later age

> and he

> > somewhat feels he was past this point, here we are again and it's

> not

> > the greatest environment. We hit one millstone only to find

another.

> >

> > He's certainly stressed out at the end of the day when he comes

home

> > from work, working for pennies at a place he hates, comes home to

> ciaos

> > at times and in the mix is our little girl whom is not quite

2yrs.

> I on

> > the other hand, don't get a break from it all. My daughter

doesn't

> sleep

> > all night so I am very sleep deprived and can't do it all. My

> husband

> > has usually taken the role of responsibility in dealing with my

son

> only

> > because of our daughter requires me. We are working on all these

> things

> > at once.

> >

> > In saying my husband has dealt with my son, he has made some

> positive

> > improvements within his actions which has lead me to deny my son's

> > disability so I have relaxed and let him handle things. Although

it

> gets

> > to be a bit much for my husband in spite of this; my son listens

to

> him.

> > It makes him think, " I have proven it, when you are away..he acts

> fine.

> > no problems when you come home different story. "

> >

> > It is important to add my son Devin does more things for my

> husband. If

> > he calls Devin he is more responsive to him than he is me. My

> husband

> > also points out my son is changes his personality with different

> people.

> > Maybe my mom will come over and " demands " a hug. Of course he

> doesn't

> > like this I've pointed that out to her but still she persists.

I'm

> aware

> > of that's why he doesn't like it, its forced upon him and is a

> Autism

> > thing. When they visit (my parents) Devin gets excited becomes

> hyper,

> > hides, does things he knows that he is not allowed ex- dribbles a

> basket

> > ball inside the house. More importantly he is rough with my

mother;

> he

> > will hug her but nearly knocking her down.

> >

> > Devin stayed a week at my sister's house during the summer last

> year. My

> > sister is all to willing to agree with my husband her opinions on

> Devin

> > so which is where it has helped form my husbands opinions that he

> help

> > " Some " of these things. " The schools teacher Devin's teacher, my

> sister,

> > and my husband have said in one way or another. My husband

> quotes. " You

> > are right and these three people aren't: " I don't see what you

are

> > talking about " , " There is no problem with Devin " , " If you just

give

> him

> > more discipline " , " and I have no problem with him " .

> >

> > I am fighting a loosing battle and I can't come off like, " It's

my

> way

> > or the highway " I strongly feel he needs to read for himself,

> understand

> > it then he can shed a new light on the subject. Not to say we

won't

> ever

> > get frustrated ever again, just dealing with the autism will be

> > millstone just to figure out what can be helped, what can't be.

> >

> > I'm so sorry for such a long post! IM just venting and letting

you

> know

> > more of our issues to help you better understand. Just reading