Re: Sharing Time

May 14, 2005

You are right. I do need to and I will. Right now we are really

working on our relationship. He has a major heart condition and my

new found sense of me has really shaken him up. I know Im not making

things easy on him either. But I really want our 24 year marriage to

work out. We have been together since I was 16!! We married when I

was just 17. He never has been a big talker but Im forcing the issue

lately and making him realize what Im missing from him and he is

learning quick!! He is really trying!!! I just need to try to

realize that Im not alone in this journey and kinda slow down just a

bit to let him catch up. Not saying Im going to deny myself what I

want or who I am becoming but grabbing his hand and pulling him

along with me. We had a " date " night last night. It was absolutely

amazing. We connected like we havent in a long time, so I know our

marriage will survive. Im going to see a bariatric pshycologist on

Tuesday in Richmond to help me make it through this newfound

adolescence without losing everything so important to me. Maybe with

her help, I can get the courage to tell him. I still feel that he

might think of me as tarnished goods if he knew. but I also realize

thats projecting MY feelings onto him, he loves me and I know he

would never reject me because of it. Im just scared. You know losing

this layer of protection, all of my emotions are there and Im

finally at a point where Im dealing with them instead of shoving

them down. Im in a very fragile emotional state right now. Ive made

some decisions on how I want to move forward and I know they are the

best for me. I do not want to hurt anyone along the way of this

journey and Ive connected with some really wonderful people that I

love with all my heart and need to figure out how to balance them

into my life. I need to figure out ME.

Sorry this has become more than I had intended to post. My emotions

are so in overdrive and this has actually helped. Thanks for

listening.

Huggles

> > > > > > > I know I have posted before about spending more

> > > > > " me " time, and

> > > > > > about

> > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch

> > > > > with exclude me

> > > > > now

> > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have

> > > > > finally accepted the

> > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are

> > > > > friends or not) but

> > > > > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys

> > > > > and on the way I

> > > > > > saw

> > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)

> > > > > and so I yelled

> > > > > > out to

> > > > > > > her " come walk with me " (we were going one block

> > > > > away and this

> > > > > was

> > > > > > her

> > > > > > > response " Hell no, I aint walking with your

> > > > > skinny ass " . I said

> > > > > > what.

> > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for

> > > > > my fat ass to be

> > > > > > > walking with you. You will be getting so much

> > > > > attention. I said

> > > > > > you

> > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling

> > > > > someone that I have

> > > > > > no

> > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or

> > > > > anything anymore.

> > > > > > She got

> > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I

> > > > > think and is waiting

> > > > > > for

> > > > > > > her orientation.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy

> > > > > (has a coffee

> > > > > stand)

> > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to

> > > > > him " hey " and he

> > > > > > said

> > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so

> > > > > rude. She said

> > > > > you

> > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no

> > > > > but she is hella

> > > > > > > fine. After she told him who I was he said oh

> > > > > my gosh. Then he

> > > > > > did

> > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because

> > > > > it was not so long

> > > > > > ago

> > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment.

> > > > > It really boggles

> > > > > > my

> > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I

> > > > > have curves (a

> > > > > > great

> > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a

> > > > > difference. I stared

> > > > > > out at

> > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I

> > > > > know that is 67.5

> > > > > > pounds

> > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all

> > > > > together to see that big

> > > > > > of a

> > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and

> > > > > although I am not

> > > > > > having

> > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,

> > > > > the emotional side

> > > > > > of

> > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I

> > > > > did not have any

> > > > > > from

> > > > > > > the beginning but it just has become crystle

> > > > > clear post surgery.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP

> > > > > Rich.)(3 months post

> > > > > > op)

> > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)

> > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > > __________________________________

> > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile

> > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile phone.

> > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > >

May 14, 2005

WOW I was saved that too....and I always felt guilty about being so

upset about being molested since I wasnt penetrated..because others

are....hearing that I have every right to be so devastated even

though it wasnt penetration is so liberating!!!!!

> > > > > > > I know I have posted before about spending more

> > > > > " me " time, and

> > > > > > about

> > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch

> > > > > with exclude me

> > > > > now

> > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have

> > > > > finally accepted the

> > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are

> > > > > friends or not) but

> > > > > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys

> > > > > and on the way I

> > > > > > saw

> > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)

> > > > > and so I yelled

> > > > > > out to

> > > > > > > her " come walk with me " (we were going one block

> > > > > away and this

> > > > > was

> > > > > > her

> > > > > > > response " Hell no, I aint walking with your

> > > > > skinny ass " . I said

> > > > > > what.

> > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for

> > > > > my fat ass to be

> > > > > > > walking with you. You will be getting so much

> > > > > attention. I said

> > > > > > you

> > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling

> > > > > someone that I have

> > > > > > no

> > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or

> > > > > anything anymore.

> > > > > > She got

> > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I

> > > > > think and is waiting

> > > > > > for

> > > > > > > her orientation.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy

> > > > > (has a coffee

> > > > > stand)

> > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to

> > > > > him " hey " and he

> > > > > > said

> > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so

> > > > > rude. She said

> > > > > you

> > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no

> > > > > but she is hella

> > > > > > > fine. After she told him who I was he said oh

> > > > > my gosh. Then he

> > > > > > did

> > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because

> > > > > it was not so long

> > > > > > ago

> > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment.

> > > > > It really boggles

> > > > > > my

> > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I

> > > > > have curves (a

> > > > > > great

> > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a

> > > > > difference. I stared

> > > > > > out at

> > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I

> > > > > know that is 67.5

> > > > > > pounds

> > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all

> > > > > together to see that big

> > > > > > of a

> > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and

> > > > > although I am not

> > > > > > having

> > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,

> > > > > the emotional side

> > > > > > of

> > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I

> > > > > did not have any

> > > > > > from

> > > > > > > the beginning but it just has become crystle

> > > > > clear post surgery.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP

> > > > > Rich.)(3 months post

> > > > > > op)

> > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)

> > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > > __________________________________

> > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile

> > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile phone.

> > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > >

May 14, 2005

I

am just tuning in on this thread and wanted to tell you a little of what I

learned the other day. I believe it was the show, “Starting Over”.

You may be familiar with it. There was a Psychologist who was discussing

child abuse……and he clearly said that any type of activity, whether

verbally or physically or just in the presence of a child that sexualizes the

child IS abuse. No penetration or even touching is necessary to be abuse.

With that information, I have to conclude that showing porn, or masturbating in

front of child, or even talking about sexual acts is abuse.

MANY

people, mostly young girls, have been sexually abused and how it affects our

psyche is as individual as we are. My sympathy and compassion go out to anyone,

male or female, that has ever been a victim of this and I consider the harm to

the child’s psyche the measure of abuse………not

necessarily the harm to the body. I hope this makes sense.

On

behalf of anyone ever treated in a sexual way without their consent or prior to

being of age to consent, accept the fact that it was not your doing or your

fault and that some sick sorry bastard was totally WRONG in what they did.

Let it go, it’s in the past and live your life to the fullest knowing

that you can make a difference in someone else’s life just by being aware

and sensitive to these types of moral issues.

From: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients

[mailto:gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients ]

On Behalf Of Diane Duenas

Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2005 11:25

AM

To: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients

Subject:

Re: Sharing Time

WOW I was saved that too....and I always felt guilty about being so

upset about

being molested since I wasnt penetrated..because others

are....hearing

that I have every right to be so devastated even

though it

wasnt penetration is so liberating!!!!!

May 14, 2005

...

One of my friends was never even touched. But her father would come in, drunk, and tell her how much he wanted to "make love" to her. That was extremely upsetting to her. And understandably. It is still a violation of trust. It is still an exposure to very adult things, at an age where innocence should be cherished and valued.

For me, solutely loathed it...and him...sometimes, my body physiologically responded. And that would make him think that he was doing me some kind of favor. My body betrayed me. And, I was/am very angry at it. And I think that in addition to building the suit of fat armour to protect me from other unwelcome advances...I also just quit taking care of myself because I felt my body should be punished. Punished for developing breasts and curves at too young of an age. Punished for attracting the unwelcomed attention.

But, as I said before, I am trying to come to grips with all of that. I am trying to mourn the loss of innocence, and begin treasuring myself as a little girl that was violated.

My step-father was never violent. He didn't really ask me to do anything to him, he was more into trying to get a sexual response out of me. He never threatened to kill me or my mom if I ever told. It was more subtle and nuanced than that. And for a long time, I felt guilty about that, too. Why did I let that happen? Why didn't I tell?

My mom had no idea that it was going on. And when I finally turned 19, and I told her...she divorced him. She has always been supportive...except for a few things. One of the first things she said when I told her was, "And here he is, saying that he loves ME." OK, that's appropriate. I mean, I guess it's normal to think that, but speaking it out loud while I was in earshot was pretty horrible.

Later on, after my mom divorced him...I introduced her to this Yugoslavian man that lived in the apartment complex we moved to following the divorce. He was 15 years older than I was, and 15 years younger than she was. He was beautiful and athletic and brilliant and brooding. I had a boyfriend. She started hanging out with him, just as a friend, and there was another guy in the complex that was part of the deal. So, they were like the Three Musketeers. I always suspected she had a crush on him, but she denied it vehemently whenever I brought it up. "He's JUST a friend," she would insist.

I moved away to Berkeley to start college (had to wait a couple of years because with the departure of the step-father...there went my college money. And since my step-father was very, very wealthy...I couldn't qualify for any financial aid...so I had to be poor for a couple of years until I could qualify.) The Yugoslav called me one day in December, and asked if I would help him find an appropriate Christmas gift for my mother. I agreed.

To make a long story a little less so...he told me that he had always been attracted to me, and that he wanted to be my boyfriend. I struggled with it, because I knew that my mom might be jealous. So, I told him that i'd have to think about it. Well, she discovered he had come up to Berkeley, and was so horribly cruel to me over the whole thing...assuming that I was the one scheming to get him...(and she still wouldn't admit that she had a crush on him)...she said, and I can quote with absolute accuracy because it wounded me so much, "I get why you don't understand how WRONG this is, Robynn. You are USED to stealing my men." Yep, you got it folks.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all of this...I guess it's just that there are so many, many, many components to the damage that can occur as a result of molestation. So many layers, you know? Trust me, that sent me a message that there was something really wrong with me...that I was the active seductress, the Lolita, in the picture. And, once again...my body had betrayed me. Because had I not been attractive, the Yugoslav wouldn't have come onto me...and my mom wouldn't have said that horrible thing to me.

I also lost a couple of relationships because of the "gift that keeps on giving". I desperately loved someone in law school. desperately. I really wanted to marry him, have his babies, live happily ever after. But, I had such deep seated body issues...such hatred for my own body. And such a mantle of shame that I carried. So, i couldn't believe that someone ike HIM could possibly love me. I wasn't one of those tall, blonde, unblemished Muffy/Bif tennis club types that he was. I was this dirty, shameful, girl...who although I was raised in Mill Valley and SeaCliff in SF...could never feel party of the glittering set. I was too curvy, too fat...too Jerry Springer. (because really...how could a girl molested by her own step-father be anything better than trailer trash). All of this shame that I carried with me.

When we broke up, he said that he was exhausted. Exhausted by the need to give constant reassurance that I was good enough, that he wouldn't leave me, that he didn't view me with the same tarnished eyes that I viewed myself. He loved me, but he worried about having children with me. Worried that I would pass along this sense of shame to them. That I would smother them with my own need for reassurance.

I was so angry at God after that. I felt like He had let all of this horrible stuff happen...and that He should step in and do something wonderful for me...like helping me get rid of all of these vestiges of shame...and MAKING love me. It took a really serious toll on my spiritual life. And, I gained 110 lbs. (after having struggled with a poor self-esteem and body image for years, even when I wasn't actually overweight...just wasn't one of the willowy ones). And I married a very sweet man, who I wasn't actually in love with...because I didn't believe that I was ever going to be good enough to actually keep someone who I loved. And besides, as I learned from ...it would be easier to ultimately lose someone that I hadn't been all that in love with in the first place.

So why is all of this relevent? Well, many of us have been molested. But even for those of us who haven't been...that mantle of shame, that feeling of not being worthy, the anger at our bodies for betraying us...the breaking up of relationships as a result...that's something that we all have had to deal with on one level or another.

And now is the time to let go of all of that...to let go and let God, give it to Him. I want to be transformed, body and soul. I want to love freely, without such a crippling fear of being abandoned. I want to feel like I am worthy of love.

And so, we take this journey towards the light....

Thank you for letting me share all of this...for being the kind of people that I know I can trust not to judge me.

Robynn

Slowly but slowly, I've begun to heal. Diane Duenas wrote:

WOW I was saved that too....and I always felt guilty about being so upset about being molested since I wasnt penetrated..because others are....hearing that I have every right to be so devastated even though it wasnt penetration is so liberating!!!!!> > > > > > > I know I have posted before about spending more> > > > > "me" time, and> > > > > > about> > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch> > > > > with exclude me> > > > > now> > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have> > > > > finally accepted the> > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are> > > > > friends or not) but> > >

> > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys> > > > > and on the way I> > > > > > saw> > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)> > > > > and so I yelled> > > > > > out to> > > > > > > her "come walk with me" (we were going one block> > > > > away and this> > > > > was> > > > > > her> > > > > > > response "Hell no, I aint walking with your> > > > > skinny ass". I said> > > > > > what.> > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for> > > > > my fat ass to be> > > > > > > walking with you. You

will be getting so much> > > > > attention. I said> > > > > > you> > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling> > > > > someone that I have> > > > > > no> > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or> > > > > anything anymore.> > > > > > She got> > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I> > > > > think and is waiting> > > > > > for> > > > > > > her orientation.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy> > > > > (has a coffee> > > > > stand)> > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to> > > > > him

"hey" and he> > > > > > said> > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so> > > > > rude. She said> > > > > you> > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no> > > > > but she is hella> > > > > > > fine. After she told him who I was he said oh> > > > > my gosh. Then he> > > > > > did> > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because> > > > > it was not so long> > > > > > ago> > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment.> > > > > It really boggles> > > > > > my> > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I> > > > > have

curves (a> > > > > > great> > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a> > > > > difference. I stared> > > > > > out at> > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I> > > > > know that is 67.5> > > > > > pounds> > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all> > > > > together to see that big> > > > > > of a> > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and> > > > > although I am not> > > > > > having> > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,> > > > > the emotional side> > >

> > > of> > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I> > > > > did not have any> > > > > > from> > > > > > > the beginning but it just has become crystle> > > > > clear post surgery.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Thanks for listening.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP> > > > > Rich.)(3 months post> > > > > > op)> > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)> > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> >

> >> > > >> > > >> > > > __________________________________> > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile> > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile phone.> > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail> > >> > >> > >> > >> > > ---------------------------------> > >

May 14, 2005

, don't apologize for saying this kind of thing. I think that, as Tim said, this is all relevent. All of us share these kind of experiences...and if we can't talk about it here...where can we talk about it?

This is stuff that must be handled, dealt with...by all of us on some level...if we are going to learn to fly, free of the bounds that have constrained us in the past, no? The courage to be honest will ultimately heal you, and will heal others who begin to realize that it is ok for them to be honest, too....

Robynn Diane Duenas wrote:

You are right. I do need to and I will. Right now we are really working on our relationship. He has a major heart condition and my new found sense of me has really shaken him up. I know Im not making things easy on him either. But I really want our 24 year marriage to work out. We have been together since I was 16!! We married when I was just 17. He never has been a big talker but Im forcing the issue lately and making him realize what Im missing from him and he is learning quick!! He is really trying!!! I just need to try to realize that Im not alone in this journey and kinda slow down just a bit to let him catch up. Not saying Im going to deny myself what I want or who I am becoming but grabbing his hand and pulling him along with me. We had a "date" night last night. It was absolutely amazing. We connected like we havent in a

long time, so I know our marriage will survive. Im going to see a bariatric pshycologist on Tuesday in Richmond to help me make it through this newfound adolescence without losing everything so important to me. Maybe with her help, I can get the courage to tell him. I still feel that he might think of me as tarnished goods if he knew. but I also realize thats projecting MY feelings onto him, he loves me and I know he would never reject me because of it. Im just scared. You know losing this layer of protection, all of my emotions are there and Im finally at a point where Im dealing with them instead of shoving them down. Im in a very fragile emotional state right now. Ive made some decisions on how I want to move forward and I know they are the best for me. I do not want to hurt anyone along the way of this journey and Ive connected with some really wonderful people that I love with all my heart and need to figure out how to

balance them into my life. I need to figure out ME.Sorry this has become more than I had intended to post. My emotions are so in overdrive and this has actually helped. Thanks for listening.Huggles> > > > > > > I know I have posted before about

spending more> > > > > "me" time, and > > > > > > about > > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch> > > > > with exclude me > > > > > now > > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have> > > > > finally accepted the > > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are> > > > > friends or not) but > > > > > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys> > > > > and on the way I > > > > > > saw > > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)> > > > > and so I yelled > > > > > > out to >

> > > > > > her "come walk with me" (we were going one block> > > > > away and this > > > > > was > > > > > > her > > > > > > > response "Hell no, I aint walking with your> > > > > skinny ass". I said > > > > > > what. > > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for> > > > > my fat ass to be > > > > > > > walking with you. You will be getting so much> > > > > attention. I said > > > > > > you > > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling> > > > > someone that I have > > > > > > no > > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or> > > > > anything anymore.

> > > > > > She got > > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I> > > > > think and is waiting > > > > > > for > > > > > > > her orientation.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy> > > > > (has a coffee > > > > > stand) > > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to> > > > > him "hey" and he > > > > > > said > > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so> > > > > rude. She said > > > > > you > > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no> > > > > but she is hella > > > > > > > fine.

After she told him who I was he said oh> > > > > my gosh. Then he > > > > > > did > > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because> > > > > it was not so long > > > > > > ago > > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment. > > > > > It really boggles > > > > > > my > > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I> > > > > have curves (a > > > > > > great > > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a> > > > > difference. I stared > > > > > > out at > > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I> > > > > know that is 67.5 > > > > > >

pounds > > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all> > > > > together to see that big > > > > > > of a > > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and> > > > > although I am not > > > > > > having > > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,> > > > > the emotional side > > > > > > of > > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I> > > > > did not have any > > > > > > from > > > > > > > the beginning but it just

has become crystle> > > > > clear post surgery. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP> > > > > Rich.)(3 months post > > > > > > op)> > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)> > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________ > > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile > > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile phone. > > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------> > >

May 14, 2005

thanks, . I agree with what you said. Although the letting it go part is not all that easy...just because the manifestations of the violation creep and insinuate themselves, imbed themselves pretty deeply into the psyche....

Robynn wrote:

I am just tuning in on this thread and wanted to tell you a little of what I learned the other day. I believe it was the show, “Starting Over”. You may be familiar with it. There was a Psychologist who was discussing child abuse……and he clearly said that any type of activity, whether verbally or physically or just in the presence of a child that sexualizes the child IS abuse. No penetration or even touching is necessary to be abuse. With that information, I have to conclude that showing porn, or masturbating in front of child, or even talking about sexual acts is abuse.

MANY people, mostly young girls, have been sexually abused and how it affects our psyche is as individual as we are. My sympathy and compassion go out to anyone, male or female, that has ever been a victim of this and I consider the harm to the child’s psyche the measure of abuse………not necessarily the harm to the body. I hope this makes sense.

On behalf of anyone ever treated in a sexual way without their consent or prior to being of age to consent, accept the fact that it was not your doing or your fault and that some sick sorry bastard was totally WRONG in what they did. Let it go, it’s in the past and live your life to the fullest knowing that you can make a difference in someone else’s life just by being aware and sensitive to these types of moral issues.

From: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients [mailto:gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients ] On Behalf Of Diane DuenasSent: Saturday, May 14, 2005 11:25 AMTo: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients Subject: Re: Sharing Time

WOW I was saved that too....and I always felt guilty about being so upset about being molested since I wasnt penetrated..because others are....hearing that I have every right to be so devastated even though it wasnt penetration is so liberating!!!!!

May 14, 2005

Thank you for saying these things, Robynn. You, , Pam,

LaWanda, Shell, and all the others who have contributed to this

recent thread have helped some fellow traveller more than you can

imagine.

As cathartic as I know it is for YOU to put these things out into

the world, the impact is being multiplied tenfold because I know to

a vertiable certainty, there must be a fellow traveller lurking out

there right now, isolated, ashamed, and suffering in silence. May

your (and others') courage and the obvious safety of this group move

them to begin healing too.

Uncle Timmy -236

> > > > > > > > I know I have posted before about spending more

> > > > > > " me " time, and

> > > > > > > about

> > > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch

> > > > > > with exclude me

> > > > > > now

> > > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have

> > > > > > finally accepted the

> > > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are

> > > > > > friends or not) but

> > > > > > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys

> > > > > > and on the way I

> > > > > > > saw

> > > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)

> > > > > > and so I yelled

> > > > > > > out to

> > > > > > > > her " come walk with me " (we were going one block

> > > > > > away and this

> > > > > > was

> > > > > > > her

> > > > > > > > response " Hell no, I aint walking with your

> > > > > > skinny ass " . I said

> > > > > > > what.

> > > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for

> > > > > > my fat ass to be

> > > > > > > > walking with you. You will be getting so much

> > > > > > attention. I said

> > > > > > > you

> > > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling

> > > > > > someone that I have

> > > > > > > no

> > > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or

> > > > > > anything anymore.

> > > > > > > She got

> > > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I

> > > > > > think and is waiting

> > > > > > > for

> > > > > > > > her orientation.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy

> > > > > > (has a coffee

> > > > > > stand)

> > > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to

> > > > > > him " hey " and he

> > > > > > > said

> > > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so

> > > > > > rude. She said

> > > > > > you

> > > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no

> > > > > > but she is hella

> > > > > > > > fine. After she told him who I was he said oh

> > > > > > my gosh. Then he

> > > > > > > did

> > > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because

> > > > > > it was not so long

> > > > > > > ago

> > > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment.

> > > > > > It really boggles

> > > > > > > my

> > > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I

> > > > > > have curves (a

> > > > > > > great

> > > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a

> > > > > > difference. I stared

> > > > > > > out at

> > > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I

> > > > > > know that is 67.5

> > > > > > > pounds

> > > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all

> > > > > > together to see that big

> > > > > > > of a

> > > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and

> > > > > > although I am not

> > > > > > > having

> > > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,

> > > > > > the emotional side

> > > > > > > of

> > > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I

> > > > > > did not have any

> > > > > > > from

> > > > > > > > the beginning but it just has become crystle

> > > > > > clear post surgery.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP

> > > > > > Rich.)(3 months post

> > > > > > > op)

> > > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)

> > > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > __________________________________

> > > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile

> > > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile

phone.

> > > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > >

May 14, 2005

I

didn’t mean to simplify it with a glib “let it go”…………AS

IF anyone can totally let go of anything that hurt them or made them feel

tarnished. I guess I am speaking for myself when I say that there are

issues that I can really get myself worked up over…..become extremely

passionate about, to the point of being irrational. However, I can feel

it coming and in the last six months or so, I have been practicing NOT letting events

in my life CONTROL me…….I literally take a deep breath, hold it in

for a ten count and let it out very slowly between pursed lips. It may

sound ridiculous, but I swear it has helped me……..especially around

1) people I don’t want to be around 2) heavy traffic in the city when I

am not used to driving in the city 3) running late and starting to panic

because I am stuck on the interstate 4) appearing and speaking in front of a

large group of people, etc…..

So,

I guess what I am saying (in a long, drawn out way) is that we CAN steer

ourselves in the direction we want to go……and if one chooses not to

dwell on past events and I don’t mean pretend they didn’t happen or

minimize the significance, but to truly focus on NOT focusing on those negative

feelings……….it makes it easier to “let it go” and

get on with one’s life.

Does

this make sense?

laura

From: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients

[mailto:gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients ]

On Behalf Of Robynn VanPatten

Sent: Saturday, May 14, 2005 12:27

PM

To: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients

Subject: RE:

Re: Sharing Time

thanks, . I agree with what you said. Although the

letting it go part is not all that easy...just because the manifestations of

the violation creep and insinuate themselves, imbed themselves pretty deeply

into the psyche....

May 14, 2005

Absolutely , I was furious for a long time. There is no excuse for

what those supposed men did to us, and it isn't our fault! LaWanda At

08:24 AM 5/14/05, you wrote:

>WOW I was saved that too....and I always felt guilty about being so

>upset about being molested since I wasnt penetrated..because others

>are....hearing that I have every right to be so devastated even

>though it wasnt penetration is so liberating!!!!!

>

> > > > > > > > I know I have posted before about spending more

> > > > > > " me " time, and

> > > > > > > about

> > > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch

> > > > > > with exclude me

> > > > > > now

> > > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have

> > > > > > finally accepted the

> > > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are

> > > > > > friends or not) but

> > > > > > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys

> > > > > > and on the way I

> > > > > > > saw

> > > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)

> > > > > > and so I yelled

> > > > > > > out to

> > > > > > > > her " come walk with me " (we were going one block

> > > > > > away and this

> > > > > > was

> > > > > > > her

> > > > > > > > response " Hell no, I aint walking with your

> > > > > > skinny ass " . I said

> > > > > > > what.

> > > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for

> > > > > > my fat ass to be

> > > > > > > > walking with you. You will be getting so much

> > > > > > attention. I said

> > > > > > > you

> > > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling

> > > > > > someone that I have

> > > > > > > no

> > > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or

> > > > > > anything anymore.

> > > > > > > She got

> > > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I

> > > > > > think and is waiting

> > > > > > > for

> > > > > > > > her orientation.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy

> > > > > > (has a coffee

> > > > > > stand)

> > > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to

> > > > > > him " hey " and he

> > > > > > > said

> > > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so

> > > > > > rude. She said

> > > > > > you

> > > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no

> > > > > > but she is hella

> > > > > > > > fine. After she told him who I was he said oh

> > > > > > my gosh. Then he

> > > > > > > did

> > > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because

> > > > > > it was not so long

> > > > > > > ago

> > > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment.

> > > > > > It really boggles

> > > > > > > my

> > > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I

> > > > > > have curves (a

> > > > > > > great

> > > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a

> > > > > > difference. I stared

> > > > > > > out at

> > > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I

> > > > > > know that is 67.5

> > > > > > > pounds

> > > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all

> > > > > > together to see that big

> > > > > > > of a

> > > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and

> > > > > > although I am not

> > > > > > > having

> > > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,

> > > > > > the emotional side

> > > > > > > of

> > > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I

> > > > > > did not have any

> > > > > > > from

> > > > > > > > the beginning but it just has become crystle

> > > > > > clear post surgery.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP

> > > > > > Rich.)(3 months post

> > > > > > > op)

> > > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)

> > > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > __________________________________

> > > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile

> > > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile phone.

> > > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > >

May 14, 2005

, I wish you the best with your therapy, and I think that it is good

that you have decided to see someone. I will pray for the best for you and

for your marriage too, what you've been through isn't easy, and I don't

think it very likely that your husband will view you as tarnished in any

way. He'll know right away that it isn't your fault, just as mine

did. LaWanda At 08:21 AM 5/14/05, you wrote:

>You are right. I do need to and I will. Right now we are really

>working on our relationship. He has a major heart condition and my

>new found sense of me has really shaken him up. I know Im not making

>things easy on him either. But I really want our 24 year marriage to

>work out. We have been together since I was 16!! We married when I

>was just 17. He never has been a big talker but Im forcing the issue

>lately and making him realize what Im missing from him and he is

>learning quick!! He is really trying!!! I just need to try to

>realize that Im not alone in this journey and kinda slow down just a

>bit to let him catch up. Not saying Im going to deny myself what I

>want or who I am becoming but grabbing his hand and pulling him

>along with me. We had a " date " night last night. It was absolutely

>amazing. We connected like we havent in a long time, so I know our

>marriage will survive. Im going to see a bariatric pshycologist on

>Tuesday in Richmond to help me make it through this newfound

>adolescence without losing everything so important to me. Maybe with

>her help, I can get the courage to tell him. I still feel that he

>might think of me as tarnished goods if he knew. but I also realize

>thats projecting MY feelings onto him, he loves me and I know he

>would never reject me because of it. Im just scared. You know losing

>this layer of protection, all of my emotions are there and Im

>finally at a point where Im dealing with them instead of shoving

>them down. Im in a very fragile emotional state right now. Ive made

>some decisions on how I want to move forward and I know they are the

>best for me. I do not want to hurt anyone along the way of this

>journey and Ive connected with some really wonderful people that I

>love with all my heart and need to figure out how to balance them

>into my life. I need to figure out ME.

>

>Sorry this has become more than I had intended to post. My emotions

>are so in overdrive and this has actually helped. Thanks for

>listening.

>

>Huggles

>

> > > > > > > > I know I have posted before about spending more

> > > > > > " me " time, and

> > > > > > > about

> > > > > > > > the fact that the people I used to go to lunch

> > > > > > with exclude me

> > > > > > now

> > > > > > > > (which I am alright about that now). I have

> > > > > > finally accepted the

> > > > > > > > coming and going of people (whether they are

> > > > > > friends or not) but

> > > > > > > > yesterday just took be by surprise.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I was going on a errand for one of my attorneys

> > > > > > and on the way I

> > > > > > > saw

> > > > > > > > one of my coworkers (I also consider us friends)

> > > > > > and so I yelled

> > > > > > > out to

> > > > > > > > her " come walk with me " (we were going one block

> > > > > > away and this

> > > > > > was

> > > > > > > her

> > > > > > > > response " Hell no, I aint walking with your

> > > > > > skinny ass " . I said

> > > > > > > what.

> > > > > > > > She said you are looking too cute and skinny for

> > > > > > my fat ass to be

> > > > > > > > walking with you. You will be getting so much

> > > > > > attention. I said

> > > > > > > you

> > > > > > > > need to quit. I told her I was just telling

> > > > > > someone that I have

> > > > > > > no

> > > > > > > > friends now that no one wants to do lunch or

> > > > > > anything anymore.

> > > > > > > She got

> > > > > > > > approved for the surgery around April 7th I

> > > > > > think and is waiting

> > > > > > > for

> > > > > > > > her orientation.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Well, as we proceeded to walk this coffee guy

> > > > > > (has a coffee

> > > > > > stand)

> > > > > > > > waved (I was not looking) and she yelled out to

> > > > > > him " hey " and he

> > > > > > > said

> > > > > > > > no I am talking to her. I thought that was so

> > > > > > rude. She said

> > > > > > you

> > > > > > > > don't even know who she is do you and he said no

> > > > > > but she is hella

> > > > > > > > fine. After she told him who I was he said oh

> > > > > > my gosh. Then he

> > > > > > > did

> > > > > > > > apologize to my friend. I felt so bad because

> > > > > > it was not so long

> > > > > > > ago

> > > > > > > > when I was receiving that very same treatment.

> > > > > > It really boggles

> > > > > > > my

> > > > > > > > mind because I don't see a skinny me. I know I

> > > > > > have curves (a

> > > > > > > great

> > > > > > > > figure I might add) but I don't see such a

> > > > > > difference. I stared

> > > > > > > out at

> > > > > > > > 249.5 and I weigh 182 as of this morning. I

> > > > > > know that is 67.5

> > > > > > > pounds

> > > > > > > > but its hard for my brain to mesh it all

> > > > > > together to see that big

> > > > > > > of a

> > > > > > > > difference. Maybe in time.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > This is certainly a life changing journey and

> > > > > > although I am not

> > > > > > > having

> > > > > > > > issues with food or about food at this point,

> > > > > > the emotional side

> > > > > > > of

> > > > > > > > this journey can be overwhelming on most days.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I I can truly say I have no friends and maybe I

> > > > > > did not have any

> > > > > > > from

> > > > > > > > the beginning but it just has become crystle

> > > > > > clear post surgery.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Pam Marsh-Feb 8th w/Dr. Park & Dr. Baggs (KP

> > > > > > Rich.)(3 months post

> > > > > > > op)

> > > > > > > > 182-40 pounds post surgery (67.5 total)

> > > > > > > > Goal: 130 (52 pounds to go)

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > __________________________________

> > > > > Yahoo! Mail Mobile

> > > > > Take Yahoo! Mail with you! Check email on your mobile phone.

> > > > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/learn/mail

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > >

May 14, 2005