Re: Hi I just have to vent

December 10, 2000

I am having the worse weekend in a long time.. I actually thought about

whether or not I want to continue living in this physical and mental life

anymore..My kids were terrible all weekend and I got absolutely nothing

done.; I have so much to do before Christmas and I don't think it is going to

get done.. I did nothing but lay on the couch and cry all day yesterday and

evening;;that is when I wasn't sure if i wanted to live any longer like

this;.It is getting harder and harder.; my rheumy will not increase my pain

meds and what i am on now doesn[t even help aanyways. I have been on

3 percocet a day for almost three years now.. I always run out before my next

doctors apt... Just seems like whatever could go wrong this weekend did... It

is just so hard to live this way anymore; especially being seperated and

raising a 5 yr old and 10yr old practically on my own... not to mention the

financial struggle.. of course my parents only volunteer their services when

i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and by that point I dont feel like

doing anything anyways;;; I am sorry I am being a cry baby but I am having

such a difficult time here;;; thanks for listening

Terri

December 10, 2000

> i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and by that point I dont

feel like

> doing anything anyways;;; I am sorry I am being a cry baby but I am

having

> such a difficult time here;;; thanks for listening

> Terri

Hi Terri

I just had to respond to this right away. Actually, it brought out a

visceral reaction in me... in your defense.

I admit that I am the first one to say " HALT " when I am not feeling

well. Perhaps that sounds wretchedly selfish but ... there it is! The

tyranny of this holiday season really makes me angry!

So... here's my blunt and probably rather tactless response: Short of

dying and paying taxes, we don't HAVE to do ANYTHING! If you are not

feeling up to all of this stuff, I don't see a single thing wrong with

simply saying, " I'm sorry. I'm really not feeling very well and I'm

going to have to opt out of the festivities this year...but I

certainly hope you have a blessed holiday season " and that's IT!

Period. End of discussion.

When I say these things, usually someone comes back with " what about

the kids? " Well, first of all, kids need to learn that human beings

have limitations sometimes and honoring those limitations is totally

ok. If we do things because we feel we " have to for the kids " , they

know that...and they will grow up and do the very same thing. As far

as " stuff " for them... well, there are other relatives and their

father who can make that happen...if it's that all-fired important.

So...for what it's worth...that's my reaction to the whole thing. This

is one of those times when Reagan's facile remark about drugs

fits...

JUST SAY NO!

~FireSpirit, now putting out the flames

-

December 10, 2000

THANKS for your support.. I hate when I get like this.. If anyone has

natural remedies that have worked for them other than prescriptions I would

be more than thrilled to receive email about them... thanks again

terri

December 10, 2000

Hiyas Terri,

I hope things are better for you right now... remember please that

while leaving all the pain and frustration behind would be easy for

you, it would NOT be easy for anyone else, namely your children.

They would never get over it and I know you don't want that for them.

Please try to keep in mind that death is forever, your current state

of mind is not... this too shall pass... no the disease won't.. but

the severity of it at this moment will... somedays will be better..

some will be worse... but none will be exactly as it is right now.

Suicide is NOT the answer... it never is... your children need you,

they need you to be there all the days of their lives, but they will

not survive well if you leave them now... somehow they will make it

after they are old themselves...

Please hang on... get help... find someone to talk to.. someone you

can call anytime 24/7 when things get bad...

Strive to live... life is always worth it.

*gentle hugs*

~*~ Sassy

> I am having the worse weekend in a long time.. I actually thought

about

> whether or not I want to continue living in this physical and

mental life

> anymore..My kids were terrible all weekend and I got absolutely

nothing

> done.; I have so much to do before Christmas and I don't think it

is going to

> get done.. I did nothing but lay on the couch and cry all day

yesterday and

> evening;;that is when I wasn't sure if i wanted to live any longer

like

> this;.It is getting harder and harder.; my rheumy will not increase

my pain

> meds and what i am on now doesn[t even help aanyways. I have been

on

> 3 percocet a day for almost three years now.. I always run out

before my next

> doctors apt... Just seems like whatever could go wrong this weekend

did... It

> is just so hard to live this way anymore; especially being

seperated and

> raising a 5 yr old and 10yr old practically on my own... not to

mention the

> financial struggle.. of course my parents only volunteer their

services when

> i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and by that point I dont

feel like

> doing anything anyways;;; I am sorry I am being a cry baby but I am

having

> such a difficult time here;;; thanks for listening

> Terri

December 10, 2000

Terri,

Have you tried anything natural for pain? You don't need your

rheumatologists permission to do that. It's just a matter of doing a little

research, and finding out what other people have found useful. (I've got a

ton of them up my sleeve!) They may be enough to take the edge off enough

for what you are currently using for pain to be enough.

I've been where you are, contemplating whether life is worth living like

this. It hits worst when you really can't see any hope of change. But I

assure you, I managed to get out of that state of mind, and I've found some

things that have really helped, so I know there are answers out there for

you, and things are going to improve for us with FM because of all the

research out there. Besides, you need to hang on for your kids, because

disabled or not, they need you in their lives, even if you can't be any more

than just present. There's no substitute for you, and that's final! The

first thing to do, though, is find some way to deal with the pain. Even if

something doesn't completely eliminate the pain, there are things that can

at least lessen it. And when it isn't all-consuming, life will look a little

more promising. You just need to hang on.

lindaj@...

Re: Hi I just have to vent

> I am having the worse weekend in a long time.. I actually thought about

> whether or not I want to continue living in this physical and mental life

> anymore..My kids were terrible all weekend and I got absolutely nothing

> done.; I have so much to do before Christmas and I don't think it is going

to

> get done.. I did nothing but lay on the couch and cry all day yesterday

and

> evening;;that is when I wasn't sure if i wanted to live any longer like

> this;.It is getting harder and harder.; my rheumy will not increase my

pain

> meds and what i am on now doesn[t even help aanyways. I have been on

> 3 percocet a day for almost three years now.. I always run out before my

It

> is just so hard to live this way anymore; especially being seperated and

> raising a 5 yr old and 10yr old practically on my own... not to mention

the

> financial struggle.. of course my parents only volunteer their services

when

> i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and by that point I dont feel

like

> doing anything anyways;;; I am sorry I am being a cry baby but I am having

> such a difficult time here;;; thanks for listening

> Terri

>

> List owner Bierman

>

> Add or view webpage links about Fibromyalgia/CFS.

> http://www.onelist.com/links/

>

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> WHERE: /chat/

>

> To write the list owner: The_List_Owner@...

>

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> Go to: http://www.onelist.com/ to this list and unsub from it.

>

December 10, 2000

Terri!!! Take a step back and listen to this comedy! I have a husband who

works about 70 hours a week night shift..pretty much non-existant. I have a

two year old daughter, 2 dogs, 3 cats, and 4 parrots! In June of this year,

I had a craniectomy done, yes, they removed a chunk of my skull (part of my

brain too). This was due to Arnold Chiari Malformation. I have 2 syrinx

tumors in my spinal cord as well as a herniated disc that is pretty much

inoperable. My disability insurance dropped me on November 2nd because they

feel I am well, and I am recently dx'd with fibro due to my previous

diagnosis. I too am in chronic pain, and this is what broke my depression...

I was on the phone with my neurologist after a spinal tap bawling because it

felt like someone had my head in a vise. My macaw waddled in the living room

with me (they are free roaming chickens), he crawled up on my lap. I was

wearing a bikini top because I was outside 99% of the time, I could not stand

the air conditioning. The macaw took my bikini strap and just snapped it

off! Then he ran away giggling to himself and yelling " how are you? " and

" What's the matter? " . I have smited depression from that point forward.

As I stated, I am in chronic pain, but...With everything going on around me

with the ark, it leaves me to forget all that is bad. Today, my daughter

ripped all of her diapers out of her diaper holder, and then, threw all of

her wet wipes on top of them on the floor. This was followed by 10 pair of

shoes, everything in her hamper, and her clean pajama's. As if to top her

sundae with a cherry, she added all of her clean socks, and about 2 dozen

books. This was all during her " nap " . Supposedly my peaceful time of the

day! ha-ha.

Just remember this. You will always have alot going for you! I love my

daughter dearly. But, my pets do not ask for anything from me but food,

water, shelter and love. Although my house is a total disaster zone to

many...It is noisy beyond belief and always buzzing with activity. My pets

keep me humble. I have an amazon who has been singing " deck the halls " since

the day we put up the christmas tree!

My point in all of this is that everyone is needed by someone or something!

Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and laugh! I hope my email

brightened your spirits!

Missy

December 10, 2000

I loved your story. Kiss the daughter & the animals for me. Fran

December 11, 2000

I love that saying and this to shall pass

>From: sassychero@...

>Reply-To: egroups

>To: egroups

>Subject: Re: Hi I just have to vent

>Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2000 20:53:59 -0000

>

>Hiyas Terri,

>

>I hope things are better for you right now... remember please that

>while leaving all the pain and frustration behind would be easy for

>you, it would NOT be easy for anyone else, namely your children.

>They would never get over it and I know you don't want that for them.

>

>Please try to keep in mind that death is forever, your current state

>of mind is not... this too shall pass... no the disease won't.. but

>the severity of it at this moment will... somedays will be better..

>some will be worse... but none will be exactly as it is right now.

>

>Suicide is NOT the answer... it never is... your children need you,

>they need you to be there all the days of their lives, but they will

>not survive well if you leave them now... somehow they will make it

>after they are old themselves...

>

>Please hang on... get help... find someone to talk to.. someone you

>can call anytime 24/7 when things get bad...

>

>Strive to live... life is always worth it.

>

>*gentle hugs*

>~*~ Sassy

>

> > I am having the worse weekend in a long time.. I actually thought

>about

> > whether or not I want to continue living in this physical and

>mental life

> > anymore..My kids were terrible all weekend and I got absolutely

>nothing

> > done.; I have so much to do before Christmas and I don't think it

>is going to

> > get done.. I did nothing but lay on the couch and cry all day

>yesterday and

> > evening;;that is when I wasn't sure if i wanted to live any longer

>like

> > this;.It is getting harder and harder.; my rheumy will not increase

>my pain

> > meds and what i am on now doesn[t even help aanyways. I have been

>on

> > 3 percocet a day for almost three years now.. I always run out

>before my next

> > doctors apt... Just seems like whatever could go wrong this weekend

>did... It

> > is just so hard to live this way anymore; especially being

>seperated and

> > raising a 5 yr old and 10yr old practically on my own... not to

>mention the

> > financial struggle.. of course my parents only volunteer their

>services when

> > i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and by that point I dont

>feel like

> > doing anything anyways;;; I am sorry I am being a cry baby but I am

>having

> > such a difficult time here;;; thanks for listening

> > Terri

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

_____

Get more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com

December 11, 2000

I just kissed the kid! She was sleeping abutted up against her bedroom door.

I had to move her to bed! Don't quite know why she does that, I think it is

just because she is 2!

Missy

December 11, 2000

Missy,

I have a close friend who also had the Chiari malformation, she had her brain

surgery done in Oct. She was officially diagnosed with Fibro about the same

time, I kept telling her she had a lot of the symptoms I do, and that I bet

she had Fibro too. She was in an auto accident 5 yrs. ago. She went in and

asked her DR about fibromyalgia, and he told her " you've have had it for a

couple of years, but I didn't see no need to tell you and have you worry over

something else, boy was she mad. Did you have any type of seizure with

yours? She was having them regularly before the surgery, she hasn't had any

since, but all of the other symptoms have come back. She has started

sleepwalking, her hubby said he guessed he would have to chain her to the

bed, she put a baby blanket in the microwave one night, and she's a smoker

too, and has fallen asleep several times while smoking. Her family is

worried to death about her, we all are. Do you have anything to share from

your experience, that I could pass on to her. in ALABAMA

December 11, 2000

Terri,

Whoa girl....sounds like you are in a major depression. Terri, if

nobody else on this earth cares what you do on a daily basis, then I want

you to know that I do.

Trying to raise two children on your own is a monumental task in itself.

You should be applauded for your efforts.

I know that sometimes kids can make our day or our weekend (sometimes

it's a whole week) seem disastrous, but I want you to think how those kids

would manage without you around to guide them.

God gave you a huge job. He made you a mommy and there isn't another

job in this entire world that is more thankless or more rewarding. What

would happen to your kids if you were there to defend them against harsh

realities, or to feed them when they are hungry or to take care of them when

they are sick.

Terri I know from past experience how depression can make you think that

it would all be easier if you weren't around. I went through the same thing

10 years ago (and I'm married).

If you believe in God whatsoever, I want you to get on your knees and

tell him what's going on and ask him to take it on his shoulders for you.

And when you are talking to him, let it all out. Cry like a baby if you

need to, but let it all out. You will be amazed at how much better this

will make you feel, for he will never leave you nor forsake you.

If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. My heart

aches just reading your post. I can feel your pain and wish I could take

some of it from you to add to mine. Please let me know if I can help.

Remember God doesn't make junk and he is just waiting for you to ask him

for help. May God keep you and bless you today and forever.

Debbie G.

Re: Hi I just have to vent

> I am having the worse weekend in a long time.. I actually thought about

> whether or not I want to continue living in this physical and mental life

> anymore..My kids were terrible all weekend and I got absolutely nothing

> done.; I have so much to do before Christmas and I don't think it is going

to

> get done.. I did nothing but lay on the couch and cry all day yesterday

and

> evening;;that is when I wasn't sure if i wanted to live any longer like

> this;.It is getting harder and harder.; my rheumy will not increase my

pain

> meds and what i am on now doesn[t even help aanyways. I have been on

> 3 percocet a day for almost three years now.. I always run out before my

It

> is just so hard to live this way anymore; especially being seperated and

> raising a 5 yr old and 10yr old practically on my own... not to mention

the

> financial struggle.. of course my parents only volunteer their services

when

> i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and by that point I dont feel

like

> doing anything anyways;;; I am sorry I am being a cry baby but I am having

> such a difficult time here;;; thanks for listening

> Terri

>

> List owner Bierman

>

> Add or view webpage links about Fibromyalgia/CFS.

> http://www.onelist.com/links/

>

> ~*~CHAT TIME:~*~

> MON Night

> TIME:Eastern 9 Pm, Central 8 Pm, Mt 7 PM Pacific 6 PM

> WHERE: /chat/

>

> To write the list owner: The_List_Owner@...

>

> TO unsubscribe.

> Go to: http://www.onelist.com/ to this list and unsub from it.

>

December 11, 2000

Thank you all so much for responding to my email. I don't know why I feel the

way I do. I go to my counselor today so I will discuss all these feelings

with her, just to get them out anyway. From what I have read, I guess we all

get days like this Hugh. If we stick together I guess we have the best thing

going for us that way. I know that none can replace me as far as in my kids

eyes. I just wish they would behave but they are typical kids. I feel a

little better today thank God. Again thank you so much everyone from the

bottom of my heart. It is so hard to deal with sometimes and we need to keep

reminding ourselves that someone has bad days too that don't have fibro

right. I love you all and hope everyone is doing well today. thanks again

from the bottom of my heart.

Terri

December 11, 2000

Terri:

I'm so glad that you're going to express your feelings to the counselor

today. That is such a good and responsible thing to do. I have also been

through times of wondering if it was worth it to keep on living. Happily, I

didn't act on those feelings when I had them and things did get better. I'm

sure that people do die or kill themselves if they don't have places to

express their feelings. I think that the medical establishment

(mostly)really doesn't have a clue as to how severe the symptoms can be. I

have a friend who keeps saying that MS patients went through the same

disbelief that we are going through in the early years. Hopefully, time

will help and more and more people will understand.

I hope you have a great talk today and keep us posted. We care about you

Terri and truely hope that things get a little better soon.

Peggy

December 11, 2000

My saving grace has been a support group just like this one called the WAMCA.

It is there I can get honest answers to all of my questions from PATIENTS.

My neurosurgeon and I are not great friends. He does not believe that chiari

and fibro are linked. I keep feeling like...HELLO, READ THE INFO PAL!!!!

But anyway, my symptoms are stiffness in head neck, spine, hips, and knees.

I have numbness in my hands and arms. I am tired all of the time. I have

had major weight loss caused by diahrrea from them screwing with my

brainstem. My spine kills me on a daily basis. Sinus problems all of the

time. I also have radiating pain around to my abdomen. I try not to burn

down my house, but I am a candle burner, and I have sometimes forgotten to

blow them out! oops! I have a 2 year old, and no matter what medical

science tells me, all of this started after having my daughter. I had an

epidural at that time. They can all kiss my ass, that's what started the

ball rolling. I also have undergone 3 carpal tunnel surgeries on each hand

to no avail before they found the ACM...Why??? Because all insurance

companies are too damn cheap to pay for an MRI!

Hope she is well, you also!

Missy

December 12, 2000

Terri,

No....thank you for reaching out. Sometimes it just helps to vent. I

myself have been there and venting makes it a little easier to deal with.

I'm glad you're having a better day and yes your kids sound just like

typical kids.....lets see how far we can push mom today, but you need to

start learning to laugh about it more.

I find myself laughing all the time about the stress that fills my life

cause if I didn't laugh, I'd cry and I can't afford the mascara. Take care

of yourself.

Debbie G.

Re: Hi I just have to vent

> Thank you all so much for responding to my email. I don't know why I feel

the

> way I do. I go to my counselor today so I will discuss all these feelings

> with her, just to get them out anyway. From what I have read, I guess we

all

> get days like this Hugh. If we stick together I guess we have the best

thing

> going for us that way. I know that none can replace me as far as in my

kids

> eyes. I just wish they would behave but they are typical kids. I feel a

> little better today thank God. Again thank you so much everyone from the

> bottom of my heart. It is so hard to deal with sometimes and we need to

keep

> reminding ourselves that someone has bad days too that don't have fibro

> right. I love you all and hope everyone is doing well today. thanks again

> from the bottom of my heart.

> Terri

>

> List owner Bierman

>

> Add or view webpage links about Fibromyalgia/CFS.

> http://www.onelist.com/links/

>

> ~*~CHAT TIME:~*~

> MON Night

> TIME:Eastern 9 Pm, Central 8 Pm, Mt 7 PM Pacific 6 PM

> WHERE: /chat/

>

> To write the list owner: The_List_Owner@...

>

> TO unsubscribe.

> Go to: http://www.onelist.com/ to this list and unsub from it.

>

December 12, 2000

Hi Debbie,

Know what you mean about the mascara,lol... I had a great session with my

therapist the day after I wrote my post and I let it all out and it helped..

She suggested starting my journal again and stop grieving of my lost life

that I use to have.. I haven't accept this new way of life yet and it has

been almost 4 years now.. Maybe she is right, maybe I will find something

that I like to do beside keep my house spotless (like no kids ever lived

here), stop worrying if the Christmas cookies aren't done,always on the

go,the superwoman syndrome,etc.etc.... Guess I will have to see what

happens.. We are getting a blast of the great winter here so I feel like

crap.. I again am so grateful to have you all here.. I don't have a support

group here nor any support but this list.. Again, thank you all

soooooooooooooooo much!!!!! Hope all is well

Terri

December 12, 2000

Terri,

I just read your post. I hope you are feeling a little better since it was a

few days ago that you have posted. I will keep you in my prayers. I wish I

could do more to help you, but that is all it seems that I can do is pray for

you and your hard times and struggles.

I understand what you are feeling and experiencing. I am sure many of us

here understand what you are going through. At your kids ages this must be

very hard for you to go through since they are at the dreaded " teenager "

stages. I have a 11 year old living with us, and I think she is going on 30!

It can be hard. I do know though that they will be horrible without you!

I am glad that you have this group to listen to you, and we do listen to you.

I will end this, I hope that the other replies and all our prayers will help

you through this rough time. I know that you can make it through to the

sunshine! Hang in there!!!!!!

God Bless!

Sending Comfort and Peace and very many Hugs!!!!

Janice

" I wish we could change our dials to AM instead of FM!!! "

December 12, 2000

Terri:

You are great.....I admire the way you have come through this down time.

That doesn't really describe it I'm sure. Maybe more like a black

pit....That is what it was for me. Thanks for inspiring all of us.

Peggy

December 12, 2000

yitzie4u@... writes:

> She suggested starting my journal again and stop grieving of my lost life

> that I use to have.. I haven't accept this new way of life yet and it has

> been almost 4 years now..

Hi Terri,

I do a journal too, sometimes I forget to write in it, and lately seem to be

emailing my family and then printing off the email for me to keep it in my

journal for happenings in my life. I also print some of the messages here so

I can look at them one day when I am down and remember that I am not alone

with this disease.

I too have a hard, very hard, time letting go of the life I have had -

especially what I could do. It is easier said than done. We do have to

grieve! And we have to realize that we need to be grateful to what we CAN do

nowadays. Although we need to remind ourselves of this once in a while - to

be happy about what we can accomplish now.

I am glad that we have this group! It really is a comfort to listen to and

talk to other people who can feel the way we do!

Hope this finds you better. Lots of hugs!

Sending Comfort and Peace

Janice

" I wish we could change our dials to AM instead of FM!!! "

December 12, 2000

It's great to have you here too Teri,

This site is also my only support system outside of talking with my

physiologist and physchiarist. But on this site, you know you are talking to

people who have been there, or is there, and you feel more connected. Glad

your session went well. If you feel the need to vent go ahead, or if you

just need info or a word of encouragement, let us know, you will get it. My

prayers are going out for you. in ALA.

December 12, 2000

Thank you , I really appreciate your support as well as everyone's

here!!

Terri

December 16, 2000

Deb G.... did you say once that you live in WA State? if so, thanks bunches

for the snow and bitter cold winds.. I am above you in Vancouver, BC...LOL

I am grounded off the scooter til the sidewalks clear... don't have snow

tires. -( I am gonna get cabin fever... sometimes I just go out and ride

around to get some air.

Deb... I know how it is with a Christmas wedding cause my younger brother

dropped this bombshell on us a couple years ago. It was the year we had

almost 3 feet of snow... try not to worry about everything, we made it thru

and lived to tell the story.. LOL

Angel Hugs+Love

December 16, 2000

Deb G.... did you say once that you live in WA State? if so, thanks bunches

for the snow and bitter cold winds.. I am above you in Vancouver, BC...LOL

I am grounded off the scooter til the sidewalks clear... don't have snow

tires. -( I am gonna get cabin fever... sometimes I just go out and ride

around to get some air.

Deb... I know how it is with a Christmas wedding cause my younger brother

dropped this bombshell on us a couple years ago. It was the year we had

almost 3 feet of snow... try not to worry about everything, we made it thru

and lived to tell the story.. LOL

Angel Hugs+Love

December 17, 2000

Terri,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, but I can't believe

how busy I've been.

I'm glad you were able to see someone and get out all the aggressions

you had built up...it does help.

We are experiencing very cold weather here and snow showers on and off

and my fibro pain level is off the charts.

Between this cold, Xmas, the Wedding and everything else I believe that

I will just collapse on Dec 23rd. I have already given my kids their xmas

presents cause I just don't have time.

My house doesn't have a xmas tree in it this year, nor is it decorated

in any fashion resembling xmas whatsoever. I told my kids that the true

meaning of xmas has nothing to do with all the decorations and trees anyhow

and they are all fine with it.

I guess I am fine with it too cause I don't have much choice, but boy is

it depressing.

Well....need to get ready for a family get-together Xmas thing we are

going to tonight. You take care and stay in touch.

You are still in my prayers.

Debbie G.

Re: Hi I just have to vent

> Hi Debbie,

> Know what you mean about the mascara,lol... I had a great session with my

> therapist the day after I wrote my post and I let it all out and it

helped..

> She suggested starting my journal again and stop grieving of my lost life

> that I use to have.. I haven't accept this new way of life yet and it has

> been almost 4 years now.. Maybe she is right, maybe I will find something

> that I like to do beside keep my house spotless (like no kids ever lived

> here), stop worrying if the Christmas cookies aren't done,always on the

> go,the superwoman syndrome,etc.etc.... Guess I will have to see what

> happens.. We are getting a blast of the great winter here so I feel like

> crap.. I again am so grateful to have you all here.. I don't have a

support

> group here nor any support but this list.. Again, thank you all

> soooooooooooooooo much!!!!! Hope all is well

> Terri

>

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December 17, 2000