Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Thanks Fiona that sounds like a book I really need and I'm part Christian too so that works for me also. Safe People....yep, it would be really really nice. Repetition compulsion ain't fun. > > Hi , > > There's a great book called " Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't " by Henry Cloud and Townsend. (the authors are Christians but maybe you could take the meat and spit out the bones? the advice is excellent. your post reminded me of it.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That type of situation would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So sorry that happened - I can imagine that's the absolute last thing you needed. What you said here " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see is the exact truth that will bring down many people's own house of cards. They simply can't go there. " is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal with a lot of dark material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in healthier relationships most people gloss over and shove under the carpet...and if the lump under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works okay. Until we come along talking about things like what's under the carpet. Like the idea a mother could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, even try to ruin their adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Henry Clouds book Boundaries was also a good one that helped me a lot !! I had no idea I could actually say NO to nada !! Jackie > > There's a great book called " Safe People: How to Find Relationships That > Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't " by Henry Cloud and > Townsend. (the authors are Christians but maybe you could take the meat > and spit out the bones? the advice is excellent. your post reminded me of > it.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Fiona, you are so right it is a deep hurt that is triggered by what would be a rude annoying behavior. Maybe if someone didn't have a KO background they could brush it off, but what it means to us...is big. Sounds like your kids are very lucky > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Karla - YES! When they cling to deliberate " misunderstanding " because they just can't bring themselves to communicate - or they can't disengage from their other agenda (like your pastor's wife), that is crazy-making. And this: " they HAVE to cling to their own dysfunctional reality, no matter how many facts interfere. " So true, and very funny! The facts are so... inconvenient! > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 yep, we do have to deal with a lot of dark stuff out there, i agree.. as well as what is inside..  our culture that tends to worship 'perfect' mothers (and fathers) will not tolerate much talk of such dark stuff as what's under the rug.  people just don't want to hear it.. that people can be so cruel to their children.  the level of tolerance for such suffering of innocents is just too painful for a lot of people to wrap their minds around.  so they deny, deny.  my brother still to this day denies and insists his whole family along with him denies what i have to say about what i experienced at the hands of nada and fada.. he is simply too invested in having an image of a perfect set of parents. yet his extreme reaction i think gives away his real feelings, still buried under the rug.  that is why this group is so valuable for listening and validation, what we simply cannot get very readily anywhere else.  blessings in healing, ann Subject: Re: being misunderstood To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, March 29, 2010, 4:07 PM  Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That type of situation would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So sorry that happened - I can imagine that's the absolute last thing you needed. What you said here " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see is the exact truth that will bring down many people's own house of cards. They simply can't go there. " is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal with a lot of dark material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in healthier relationships most people gloss over and shove under the carpet...and if the lump under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works okay. Until we come along talking about things like what's under the carpet. Like the idea a mother could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, even try to ruin their adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 i agree again, the churches i have gone to are not generally places where you can talk about any kind of 'dark' stuff.. people there are into putting on their 'best' faces towards others and some are even into taking others' inventories (as they say in 12-step) and not their own.  i find myself hiding most of myself at church except with a special few.. and they are wonderful.  it is a shame because you would think that they could be a place of acceptance and healing, as Jesus did when he walked the earth.  well, as they say church is for sinners.. and all of us do fall short after all. Subject: Re: Re: being misunderstood To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, March 29, 2010, 4:25 PM  I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but some of the least understanding people I have come across have been at church. I go to a baptist church but have been to assembly of god and methodist too. I have just learned not to discuss things with them (which is kinda sad since they should be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got burned a few times too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying enough when I told my pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, nicest lady ever. The others, not so much. In a message dated 3/29/2010 5:11:45 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, climberkayak@ yahoo.com writes: Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That type of situation would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So sorry that happened - I can imagine that's the absolute last thing you needed. What you said here " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see is the exact truth that will bring down many people's own house of cards. They simply can't go there. " is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal with a lot of dark material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in healthier relationships most people gloss over and shove under the carpet...and if the lump under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works okay. Until we come along talking about things like what's under the carpet. Like the idea a mother could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, even try to ruin their adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Bingo! Same thing with me, . Being misunderstood triggers the " why aren't they hearing me? they are judging me incorrectly!! " thing in me, which launches me right into frustration and anger. Here are my observations and my " tools " for trying to get a handle on that emotional trigger: Communication is really hard. The fact that we can even *seem* like we're understanding each other is actually pretty amazing, given the internal " dictionaries " and meaning/intentionality words have for each of us. I also observe that-- particularly with oral communication: people aren't very good at hearing; you simply have to be repetitive sometimes-- which was another major pet peeve for me. I have been working really hard to come from a place of quiet confidence in my communication--and less " splitting " , i.e. less " black/white " , in which case, it's not a huge deal when people don't understand. In any communication event there are at least two possibilities: (1) maybe I am wrong--and that's not really a big deal and really--I want/need to know that, or (2) they don't understand what I'm trying to say, so I have to calmly try a different way to try to explain my point. My anger and frustration only makes it worse for everyone, but mostly me. It's really challenging for me to *not* become impatient ( " What the heck's the matter with these people?! Why don't they understand? OMG it must be me. What's the matter with me?! " ) It helps me to think that, hey, sometimes I don't fully understand what someone's trying to tell me. Doesn't make me stupid. Doesn't make these folks stupid or hateful when they don't understand me. In other words, I consciously try to stop judging---both myself and others. It's like a giant weight comes off me; it depersonalizes the situation into: " we're all just trying to reach mutual understanding. " Hypothesis: because my FOO communication was fraught with judgment [from nada], I tend to project those characteristics onto others, thus tripping the emotional trigger. When I stop and think, " these people are not hateful people, they're trying to understand me. What can i do differently to communicate my point? " Heck, even if they are unpleasant or have personality disorders, who cares, I focus on the task at hand: am I wrong--do I need additional information? can I try a different approach? or does it really matter? and I let it go with the quiet confidence that things will work out. I've noticed an amazing change when I apply this technique successfully--esp. in a work environment. I'm 200x more effective. More than once I've thought, " Hey wow--I was actually right and folks agree with me! " Even after a bumpy first attempt at communicating something. Sharing this in the hopes it's helpful. But probably it's incoherent gibberish given my weirdo internal dictionary! -l > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 Yes, I agree. I've recently had conversations with some of my good friends from church about this...that often there are people there that are so judgemental of others. I was told by my own pastor, " I can't help you..you're way over my head " after my suicide attempt in 2007. : ( It made me feel so bad. I mean, if my pastor can't help me, who can? That pastor has since left and there is a much more compassionate one in the pulpit now. In a message dated 3/29/2010 10:55:21 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, annletters2@... writes: i agree again, the churches i have gone to are not generally places where you can talk about any kind of 'dark' stuff.. people there are into putting on their 'best' faces towards others and some are even into taking others' inventories (as they say in 12-step) and not their own. i find myself hiding most of myself at church except with a special few.. and they are wonderful. it is a shame because you would think that they could be a place of acceptance and healing, as Jesus did when he walked the earth. well, as they say church is for sinners.. and all of us do fall short after all. From: _Hummingbird1298@Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) <_Hummingbird1298@Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) > Subject: Re: Re: being misunderstood To: _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_ (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) Date: Monday, March 29, 2010, 4:25 PM I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but some of the least understanding people I have come across have been at church. I go to a baptist church but have been to assembly of god and methodist too. I have just learned not to discuss things with them (which is kinda sad since they should be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got burned a few times too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying enough when I told my pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, nicest lady ever. The others, not so much. In a message dated 3/29/2010 5:11:45 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, climberkayak@ yahoo.com writes: Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That type of situation would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So sorry that happened - I can imagine that's the absolute last thing you needed. What you said here " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see is the exact truth that will bring down many people's own house of cards. They simply can't go there. " is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal with a lot of dark material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in healthier relationships most people gloss over and shove under the carpet...and if the lump under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works okay. Until we come along talking about things like what's under the carpet. Like the idea a mother could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, even try to ruin their adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 oh, I totally agree with you !! I was involved in religion for a while, but the people I encountered were very closed minded and very judgmental !! the exact opposite of what religion is supposed to teach Jackie I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but some of the least understanding people I have come across have been at church. I go to a baptist church but have been to assembly of god and methodist too. I have just learned not to discuss things with them (which is kinda sad since they should be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got burned a few times too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying enough when I told my pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, nicest lady ever. The others, not so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 , that's really horrible about that minister's response to you - demon possessed? Religion is a tricky thing - I'm spiritual but I haven't had luck being a part of a church community. I've adopted parts of the beliefs of more than one religion so I have some experience with different ones. The problem seems that people are still people when they gather together, for whatever the reason. So if it's not safe to talk about your DID with a person at the mall it's also not safe with a person at your church. They just don't have the mental health education or background. There's less excuse for the pastor though because it his *job* to be there for his flock or if he can't to know where to refer you. That said I do sometimes hear about wonderful congregations who have deep caring for members who fall on hard times. Maybe it's worth it to keep looking and find one with a different type of group spirit? Anywho, very sorry that happened to you - it is a major trigger to have the ones who are supposed to be of aid cause more harm. > > oh, I totally agree with you !! I was involved in religion for a while, but > the people I encountered were very closed minded and very judgmental !! > the exact opposite of what religion is supposed to teach > > Jackie > > > > I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but some of the least > understanding people I have come across have been at church. I go to a > baptist > church but have been to assembly of god and methodist too. I have just > learned not to discuss things with them (which is kinda sad since they > should > be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got burned a few times > too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying enough when I told my > pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, nicest lady ever. The > others, not so much. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 You will get no nasty emails from me. Unfortunately, church culture has become one of " codependence in the name of Jesus. " I think people are well-meaning, but as a group have come to this strange place, of thinking hardship in life = against what is " right " with God. Um . . .has anyone read the Bible on this subject???? This kind of thing, mother against daughter, is right in there as something to be expected. I am planning to start Seminary in a few months. And I sense, as I move forward in the ministry, that part of my calling is to speak about this craziness. Church should be safe. And wow do we miss the mark with many people. Thanks for bringing this up--I'm sure you're not the only one!! > > > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially > not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than > they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens > a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except > on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger > toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they > usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or > maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it > happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse > than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but > thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 l- I most vehemently and respectfully disagree with: " But probably it's incoherent gibberish given my weirdo internal dictionary! " Everything (before the last sentence) was the most clear and helpful commentary I think I have ever read on the subject. I know it is inappropriate to advise, and I will ask for a bit of grace on this. But please don't cut yourself down like that. Especially not when you've been so ***brilliant!!!*** Your comments were coherent strategies given from your solid internal place of wisdom and kindness--both to yourself and others. And I, for one, was highly served by them. You deserve far better than that!! Blessings, Karla > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Absolutely, that was a really brilliant strategy - thank you for sharing it! And I agree with Karla don't sell yourself short - there was no gibberish in there *at all*. What you said about removing the judgment out of the communication really spoke to me because it is true that when communication goes wrong I instantly feel judged negatively somehow and that interferes with me being effective from that point on. And with my nada negative judgment was often there, but the world consists of way more types of people than her - thank God. > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2010 Report Share Posted April 3, 2010 I was offline for a few days and am catching up, so please forgive me if this has been pointed out... I think we (generally, as a world) tend to think (whether we realize it or not) that all or most of the people in a church will be wonderful loving perfectly supportive people. And then it shocks us when they turn out to be broken, hurting, nonperfect people. That's part of why it tends to stand out more...because we expect more of a church community than we would of say, a pipefitters union. But the reality is...those groups are made up of all the same kinds of people, some good some bad some stable some crazy, and so on. Not every pastor is trained for full on counseling, particularly of more severe issues. They get degrees in theology, not in psychology. While it may hurt to have a pastor say " This is beyond my skill set " ...at least he's being honest. He knows he isn't trained to be your therapist. A spiritual director, probably. But not a therapist. Imagine the damage he could have done if he had overestimated his abilities or denied his own limitations. It is not unlike my own therapist explaining to me that she is not qualified to be in the role of spiritual director when those issues come up. That's why I have one of each. Ninera > > From: _Hummingbird1298@Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@...)   > <_Hummingbird1298@Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) > > > Subject: Re: Re: being > misunderstood > To: _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_ > (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) > > Date: Monday, March 29, 2010, 4:25 PM > > > > I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but > some of the least > > understanding people I have come across have been at > church. I go to a > baptist > > church but have been to assembly of god and methodist > too. I have just > > learned not to discuss things with them (which is > kinda sad since they > should > > be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got > burned a few times > > too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying > enough when I told > my > > pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, > nicest lady ever. The > > others, not so much. > > In a message dated 3/29/2010 5:11:45 P.M. Eastern > Daylight Time, > > climberkayak@ yahoo.com writes: > > Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That > type of situation > > would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So > sorry that happened - I > > can imagine that's the absolute last thing you > needed. > > What you said here > > " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see > is the exact truth > > that will bring down many people's own house of > cards. They simply can't > go > > there. " > > is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal > with a lot of dark > > material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in > healthier > > relationships most people gloss over and shove under the > carpet...and if > the lump > > under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works > okay. Until we come > > along talking about things like what's under the > carpet. Like the idea a > mother > > could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, > even try to ruin their > > adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people > not understanding me. Especially > > not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be > smaller than > > they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm > stupid. And this > happens > > a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues > about my FOO except > > on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle > with a reaction of anger > > toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my > heart that they > > usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard > for me to convey > clearly or > > maybe they don't have the experience to understand > them. But still when it > > happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was > when I was a kid, worse > > than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. > I'll work through it > but > > thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2010 Report Share Posted April 3, 2010 I'm so sorry everybody has had such bad times at church. I have too. But I've learned to be very careful with whom and what I share. I'll feel a new church friend out or my pastor our and only share a little at frist to see if they get it, before I share more. For the past 4 years I've been at a church where the pastor and a few good friends really do fit that christian ideal of understanding and compassion (and even trying to get me to stand up for myself better). But even then, I wouldn't share with everyone becuase there are judgmental people in this church too. And even well meaning people can't really understand how a parent could be as mean or chaotic as my nada. But I just wanted to share that I am having that good church experience at this one, and it may have something to do with this particular church. The tone is one of support, grace and depth which is a pretty special church.... ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sat, April 3, 2010 5:12:56 PM Subject: Re: Re: being misunderstood I was offline for a few days and am catching up, so please forgive me if this has been pointed out... I think we (generally, as a world) tend to think (whether we realize it or not) that all or most of the people in a church will be wonderful loving perfectly supportive people. And then it shocks us when they turn out to be broken, hurting, nonperfect people. That's part of why it tends to stand out more...because we expect more of a church community than we would of say, a pipefitters union. But the reality is...those groups are made up of all the same kinds of people, some good some bad some stable some crazy, and so on. Not every pastor is trained for full on counseling, particularly of more severe issues. They get degrees in theology, not in psychology. While it may hurt to have a pastor say " This is beyond my skill set " ...at least he's being honest. He knows he isn't trained to be your therapist. A spiritual director, probably. But not a therapist. Imagine the damage he could have done if he had overestimated his abilities or denied his own limitations. It is not unlike my own therapist explaining to me that she is not qualified to be in the role of spiritual director when those issues come up. That's why I have one of each. Ninera > > From: _Hummingbird1298@ Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@ aol.com)   > <_Hummingbird1298@ Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@ aol.com) > > > Subject: Re: Re: being > misunderstood > To: _WTOAdultChildren1@ WTOAdultChilWTO_ > (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com) > > Date: Monday, March 29, 2010, 4:25 PM > > > > I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but > some of the least > > understanding people I have come across have been at > church. I go to a > baptist > > church but have been to assembly of god and methodist > too. I have just > > learned not to discuss things with them (which is > kinda sad since they > should > > be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got > burned a few times > > too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying > enough when I told > my > > pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, > nicest lady ever. The > > others, not so much. > > In a message dated 3/29/2010 5:11:45 P.M. Eastern > Daylight Time, > > climberkayak@ yahoo.com writes: > > Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That > type of situation > > would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So > sorry that happened - I > > can imagine that's the absolute last thing you > needed. > > What you said here > > " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see > is the exact truth > > that will bring down many people's own house of > cards. They simply can't > go > > there. " > > is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal > with a lot of dark > > material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in > healthier > > relationships most people gloss over and shove under the > carpet...and if > the lump > > under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works > okay. Until we come > > along talking about things like what's under the > carpet. Like the idea a > mother > > could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, > even try to ruin their > > adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people > not understanding me. Especially > > not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be > smaller than > > they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm > stupid. And this > happens > > a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues > about my FOO except > > on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle > with a reaction of anger > > toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my > heart that they > > usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard > for me to convey > clearly or > > maybe they don't have the experience to understand > them. But still when it > > happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was > when I was a kid, worse > > than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. > I'll work through it > but > > thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2010 Report Share Posted April 4, 2010 very well said!  i think this is right on target, thanks.. i tend to make judgments against others when they fall short (my nada did plenty of judging and condemning so i have learned this lesson well) including the people at church.  they are no different from others, tho they are called to be, as the body of Christ and they sin as much as any others.. so it is a shortcoming of mine to judge and condemn them when i do.  Jesus said we should look at our own shortcomings (take our own inventories) before we attempt to look at any of that in others.. i am trying to take my own advice here.  and i fall short plenty.  enuf condemning and more forgiving is my goal.  thanks again, ann > > From: _Hummingbird1298@ Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@ aol.com)   > <_Hummingbird1298@ Humming_ (mailto:Hummingbird1298@ aol.com) > > > Subject: Re: Re: being > misunderstood > To: _WTOAdultChildren1@ WTOAdultChilWTO_ > (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com) > > Date: Monday, March 29, 2010, 4:25 PM > > > > I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but > some of the least > > understanding people I have come across have been at > church. I go to a > baptist > > church but have been to assembly of god and methodist > too. I have just > > learned not to discuss things with them (which is > kinda sad since they > should > > be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got > burned a few times > > too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying > enough when I told > my > > pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, > nicest lady ever. The > > others, not so much. > > In a message dated 3/29/2010 5:11:45 P.M. Eastern > Daylight Time, > > climberkayak@ yahoo.com writes: > > Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That > type of situation > > would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So > sorry that happened - I > > can imagine that's the absolute last thing you > needed. > > What you said here > > " I have to remember that the truth I have come to see > is the exact truth > > that will bring down many people's own house of > cards. They simply can't > go > > there. " > > is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal > with a lot of dark > > material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in > healthier > > relationships most people gloss over and shove under the > carpet...and if > the lump > > under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works > okay. Until we come > > along talking about things like what's under the > carpet. Like the idea a > mother > > could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, > even try to ruin their > > adult life....forbidden! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A huge trigger for me is people > not understanding me. Especially > > not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be > smaller than > > they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm > stupid. And this > happens > > a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues > about my FOO except > > on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle > with a reaction of anger > > toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my > heart that they > > usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard > for me to convey > clearly or > > maybe they don't have the experience to understand > them. But still when it > > happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was > when I was a kid, worse > > than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. > I'll work through it > but > > thanks for reading and you all being here. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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