Re: being misunderstood

[Guest guest]

My goodness, same here! It's like you wrote exactly my experiences, too...

((hugs))

~Holly

>

> A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I'm the same way...when people dont understand me, I usually get a

bit angry and shut down...nada used to ask me something, and when I'd tell

her about it..part way thought she'd start in about how I'm not making any

sense, and she has no idea what I'm babbling about and it must not be very

important, then she'd walk away...I figure it was another way for her to be

nasty to me...

Jackie

A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they

are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this

happens a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO

except on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction

of anger toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that

they usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey

clearly or maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But

still when it happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was

a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll

work through it but thanks for reading and you all being here.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Holly and Jackie...it means a lot to be understood about the

misunderstanding, lol. I'm feeling a little clearer now. I just get so

frustrated that this trigger gets set off in me and I'll react angrily toward

someone who is usually well-meaning, sometimes hurting a friendship. Not a

great way to win friends and influence people ya know? A lot of the time I can

catch myself before I react but not always.

Jackie - just like for you a replay of nada interactions is happening I think.

She would always blame me if I shared something that was going wrong in my life.

And usually it would be a minimizing blame or a you're so stupid blame - like

did you remember to tie your shoe laces? kinda thing.

Hugs back to you,

>

> A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I carry many triggers, being a non. However, this is my BIGGEST one!

Yes, yes and yes. Ditto. Me too. Absolutely.

When I don't fee heard or when I feel misunderstood, I get unbelievably

triggered. It makes me feel threatened, scared, defensive, invisible, abused

and undone.

I think it is a reaction against a lifetime of false accusations and trying to

speak sanity into a BP household. Plus, every time I spoke truth or clarity, I

was abused. Even if I just said something in passing, not knowing it was going

to have an impact.

Yes. I get it. I've worked on this a ton, and still have to breathe deeply and

do a lot of calming internal self-talk when I don't think I'm understood.

It helped a lot to finally understand that usually, when I am misunderstood, I

am talking over people's heads. Once I realized that I'm not always the

stupidest person in the room and not crazy like my nada told me I am, it helped.

I was finally able to give people grace when there was a miscommunication, and

back up enough to be heard.

not perfect, but improving.

Thanks for this post. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

>

> A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Karla! Nice to know I'm not the only one either and that you've had

success working with this. It's something I really want to change. And oh

yes, a child at first doesn't know better than to speak about what they see or

feel and the BP makes sure they learn that talking about reality is a bad thing.

> >

> > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Soooo crazy to think about how THEY think so distorted.

In a message dated 3/28/2010 11:17:06 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

yes, that's exactly how my nada would be...it's always my fault!! A UPS

truck pulled out in front of me while I was hauling a horse sin a trailer.

Quick stops are impossible pulling trailers, and I hit the truck at the

front wheel...nada told me I shouldn't have been on that road..if I

wasn't,

I wouldn't have had the accident !! HUH???

Jackie

Thanks Holly and Jackie...it means a lot to be understood about the

misunderstanding, lol. I'm feeling a little clearer now. I just get so

frustrated that this trigger gets set off in me and I'll react angrily

toward someone who is usually well-meaning, sometimes hurting a

friendship.

Not a great way to win friends and influence people ya know? A lot of the

time I can catch myself before I react but not always.

Jackie - just like for you a replay of nada interactions is happening I

think. She would always blame me if I shared something that was going

wrong in my life. And usually it would be a minimizing blame or a you're

so

stupid blame - like did you remember to tie your shoe laces? kinda thing.

Hugs back to you,

[Guest guest]

My mother did the same kinds of things. I remember that she turned things

all around and got super upset with my sister because my sister had gone to

help an elderly lady from her church (who had NO ONE) when she was sick. My

mother told her (and me) that my sister cared more about 'total strangers'

than her own mother. Sooo over the top ridiculous.

Thanks for asking how I am, Jackie. : ) I am doing okay. Good days and bad,

but for the most part, pretty stable. How are you doing?

In a message dated 3/28/2010 12:12:20 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

I just figured that nada would use any excuse to attack me...how could she

possibly use the fact that I took my dog to a cardiologist to attack me ,

but she managed to twist it around to sound like I care more about my dog

than them...I have never refused to take them to the cardiologist LOL so I

have no idea where she's coming from....but that's how she is..

how are you feeling, ??

Jackie

Soooo crazy to think about how THEY think so distorted.

[Guest guest]

Awww, sorry about your dog! Hope he feels better soon. : ( 7 years old is

still young, so hopefully he'll recover quickly.

In a message dated 3/28/2010 12:56:47 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

yes, that sounds just like a BPD !!

I have to take my 7 year old dog toa specialast tomorrow..he has breathing

problems through his nose ( but through mouth is OK) and has balance

problems..we think inner ear/sinus infection. He's been on antibiotics for

over a week..the drainage cleared up, but the breathing noise and unstand

on his feet hasnt..

Jackie

My mother did the same kinds of things. I remember that she turned things

all around and got super upset with my sister because my sister had gone to

help an elderly lady from her church (who had NO ONE) when she was sick. My

mother told her (and me) that my sister cared more about 'total strangers'

than her own mother. Sooo over the top ridiculous.

Thanks for asking how I am, Jackie. : ) I am doing okay. Good days and bad,

but for the most part, pretty stable. How are you doing?

[Guest guest]

yes, that's exactly how my nada would be...it's always my fault!! A UPS

truck pulled out in front of me while I was hauling a horse sin a trailer.

Quick stops are impossible pulling trailers, and I hit the truck at the

front wheel...nada told me I shouldn't have been on that road..if I wasn't,

I wouldn't have had the accident !! HUH???

Jackie

Thanks Holly and Jackie...it means a lot to be understood about the

misunderstanding, lol. I'm feeling a little clearer now. I just get so

frustrated that this trigger gets set off in me and I'll react angrily

toward someone who is usually well-meaning, sometimes hurting a friendship.

Not a great way to win friends and influence people ya know? A lot of the

time I can catch myself before I react but not always.

Jackie - just like for you a replay of nada interactions is happening I

think. She would always blame me if I shared something that was going

wrong in my life. And usually it would be a minimizing blame or a you're so

stupid blame - like did you remember to tie your shoe laces? kinda thing.

Hugs back to you,

[Guest guest]

I just figured that nada would use any excuse to attack me...how could she

possibly use the fact that I took my dog to a cardiologist to attack me ,

but she managed to twist it around to sound like I care more about my dog

than them...I have never refused to take them to the cardiologist LOL so I

have no idea where she's coming from....but that's how she is..

how are you feeling, ??

Jackie

Soooo crazy to think about how THEY think so distorted.

[Guest guest]

,I'm sorry to hear this happened ...I think it's something that is hard

to convey to people who haven't had the experience,no matter how articulate you

are.I also get triggered by well meaning people.It's just so frustrating.I hate

that thrown back feeling!!!! When I was a kid I blamed myself and felt worthless

and adjectly at fault.I don't have that reaction now as intensely but it feels

suffocating and isolating to be misunderstood.I tend to feel more angry at the

world than with the person in particular who didn't get it--I start to

(internally) make huge global associations that cause me to feel like there's no

hope for humanity at all.That's not good but at times I just have to let it play

out in my mind.Like sometimes it starts to seem to me that what happened to me

occurred because of general human nature--esp. issues of scapegoating and

denial--instead of " just " my nada's Cluster B-ness.If I let the cynicism I'm

feeling play out in my mind without acting on it,it balances itself out again

and I feel stronger afterward,to deal with things as they are.Not that it

doesn't hurt.I get triggered alot,sometimes not even over something as direct as

mentioning a specific,just by knowing that my experience was extreme and I

cannot share it as I am reminded of some aspect of it.I experience it and think

about it much much more than I ever let on.I'm getting better at being able to

be utterly alone with it,but I do have days when it really saps my vitality and

I feel despondent.

I sing when it's really awful,that helps me to process it.Do you have

something like that you like to do,that unblocks you?

I hope you're feeling better...

>

> A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes, that sounds just like a BPD !!

I have to take my 7 year old dog toa specialast tomorrow..he has breathing

problems through his nose ( but through mouth is OK) and has balance

problems..we think inner ear/sinus infection. He's been on antibiotics for

over a week..the drainage cleared up, but the breathing noise and unstand

on his feet hasnt..

Jackie

My mother did the same kinds of things. I remember that she turned things

all around and got super upset with my sister because my sister had gone to

help an elderly lady from her church (who had NO ONE) when she was sick. My

mother told her (and me) that my sister cared more about 'total strangers'

than her own mother. Sooo over the top ridiculous.

Thanks for asking how I am, Jackie. : ) I am doing okay. Good days and bad,

but for the most part, pretty stable. How are you doing?

[Guest guest]

thanks, I'm just hoping it's not cancer. His 1/2 sister died last may of

bone cancer at 8 years of age:-( and he developed epilepsy 2 weeks after

she died...at 6 1/2 years old...which is rare ..dogs usually get it between

8 months and 4 years...( puberty)

I have to think positive..I'm sure it's something fixable...I was lucky with

my collie pups heart problem not being as bad as the vets thought...so

maybe I'll be lucky again :-)

Jackie

Awww, sorry about your dog! Hope he feels better soon. : ( 7 years old is

still young, so hopefully he'll recover quickly.

[Guest guest]

,

Take good care.  I can really relate to your trigger.

What's been interesting for me is that as I've done more work on addressing the

trauma, I feel misunderstood much less frequently.  I'm not really sure why. 

It's not just that I can cope with not being understood better than I used to be

able to--although that's also true.  It also just seems to be easier for people

to relate to me.  Maybe it's because I understand myself better.  I seriously

don't know, but I hope things get better for you soon.

Best,

Ashana

Your Mail works best with the New Yahoo Optimized IE8. Get it NOW!

http://downloads.yahoo.com/in/internetexplorer/

[Guest guest]

--

I've been thinking about this one.

I think the intensity of this trigger has to do with how often my pain was

invalidated and denied as an opportunity for further and deeper betrayal/abuse.

When BP hurt me, the lie was: " there is nothing wrong with you. You are

imagining any pain, and you are mentally unstable. Nothing is wrong with what I

just did to you. You are just a touchy bully trying to manipulate me, and I'm

not falling for it. "

The truth was: I got abused. I couldn't even get the satisfaction of saying

" ouch. " In an ugly double-punch to my psyche, when I showed pain from taking

abuse, and then got further abused and violated further through blame-shifting.

It was all made to seem like I was misunderstood. In reality, they knew darned

well I was hurt and were enjoying it.

In fact, I believe I've seen a BP (there are too many in my past to count) set

up situations of abuse for the VERY PURPOSE of getting the uglier " zing " in of

false accusations " misunderstandings. " When I was " misunderstood, " it was used

as a platform for a smear campaign and/or more hideous betrayal.

I guess what I'm saying was the initial abuse wasn't the hard core abuse for me.

The hard core abuse was having to bear up under their sadistic satisfaction for

hurting me AND robbing me of my right to say " ouch " when I was reeling from the

initial pain.

Maybe, true to BP, they saw their abuse in the moment, were surprised by their

own destruction, and had to hit me harder for " making " them feel bad about

themselves.

So . . .back to the point. When I am misunderstood, I think I have a

conditioned response of expecting the infinitely more painful " zing " of being

betrayed, falsely accused, ignored, gaslighted, etc.

Being hurt initially was one thing. But it was horrible to be the object of

their sadistic satisfaction. Too dark and terrifying for words.

It was like I was punished further for being the object of their abuse.

All of those secondary " punishments " for their abuse were done on the false

premise of " misunderstanding. " (And, don't you know, if I ever said " ouch " I

had misunderstood their intentions and was the paranoid evil one.)

No wonder I trigger so hard when I am misunderstood. I'm expecting to be

destroyed. Ack.

This one is deep for me. Thanks for starting this post--it has helped me find

some clarity on this.

>

> A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Ashana, I am feeling much better. Frustrated with myself though because

in hindsight I knew that that person did not have the ability to understand/be

there for what I was telling them. Wishful thinking overtakes me sometimes. If

I could heal the trauma then I wouldn't need to do the telling...I don't know.

Thanks for affirming that it CAN get better.

>

> ,

>

> Take good care.  I can really relate to your trigger.

>

> What's been interesting for me is that as I've done more work on addressing

the trauma, I feel misunderstood much less frequently.  I'm not really sure

why.  It's not just that I can cope with not being understood better than I used

to be able to--although that's also true.  It also just seems to be easier for

people to relate to me.  Maybe it's because I understand myself better.  I

seriously don't know, but I hope things get better for you soon.

>

> Best,

> Ashana

>

>

> Your Mail works best with the New Yahoo Optimized IE8. Get it NOW!

http://downloads.yahoo.com/in/internetexplorer/

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

YES. I totally agree with you.

My eyes are tearing up b/c that is an area that is so hurtful to me, when I

share from my heart with someone and there is absolutely NO validation.

It makes me feel like my opinion, feelings don't count and aren't important.

When my kids share with me, I really try to validate them, ask them questions

about how they came to feel that way, etc. It really makes you feel like a

nothing when someone gives you that look like, " what's the big deal? "

>

> A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

There's a great book called " Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are

Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't " by Henry Cloud and Townsend.

(the authors are Christians but maybe you could take the meat and spit out the

bones? the advice is excellent. your post reminded me of it.)

> >

> > ,

> >

> > Take good care.  I can really relate to your trigger.

> >

> > What's been interesting for me is that as I've done more work on addressing

the trauma, I feel misunderstood much less frequently.  I'm not really sure

why.  It's not just that I can cope with not being understood better than I used

to be able to--although that's also true.  It also just seems to be easier for

people to relate to me.  Maybe it's because I understand myself better.  I

seriously don't know, but I hope things get better for you soon.

> >

> > Best,

> > Ashana

> >

> >

> > Your Mail works best with the New Yahoo Optimized IE8. Get it NOW!

http://downloads.yahoo.com/in/internetexplorer/

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

There's an aspect of this - being misunderstood - that really gets to me - that

is being " willfully obtuse. " In other words, sometimes you say something and

the person just needs for you to clarify what you mean - that's just normal

miscommunication and can be cleared up. Sometimes you say something and the

person you're talking to is either too young, too inexperienced, or just too

stupid to understand what you're saying. You can try to dumb down the

statement, or just accept that the person has to grow up or learn more before

you can have that conversation - i.e., trying to discuss global economic

patterns or recombinant DNA processing with somebody who's 8 years old won't

work very well, without a lot of patience and explanation. Then there's the

" willfully obtuse " person. This is somebody who is just messing with you - who

pretends not to understand in order to pick a fight, or put you down, or make an

end run around your statement rather than respond to it directly. These people

make me nuts until I figure out what they're doing, then I know I just have to

walk away. There's no way to engage them in a meaningful dialog, and no point

in trying.

> >

> > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Diane, I feel that way a lot of the time too. The few close friends I have

are great, but I don't really feel like I have a 'best friend' or that I

have much of a social network. It's that invisible, I'm not worthy feeling

that we probably do project onto others. Maybe through therapy that improves,

but again, I find acceptance and understanding here like you do, but

nowhere else. It makes me sad too. I also feel somewhat jealous of people with

'normal' mothers. It doesn't feel fair that I missed out on that experience

and I've spent too much time wishing I could go back and change it and have

a do-over. (

In a message dated 3/29/2010 1:47:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

dmckeethan@... writes:

You can't make a pig sing. The pig won't do it, and it only

frustrates you.....

or something like that.

You can't get other people with 'normal' mothers to understand your

nada....or what you went through. They just

don't get it. It doesn't make me mad, it just makes me sad.

I get that feeling that I'm a ghost in my own life again....Nobody sees

me, nobody wants me around, and I'm

invisible...invisible...<WBR>JUST LIKE NADA

My T told me I'm projecting my past experience with

nada onto the outside world, which makes me fearful of

going out of the house. Agoraphobia. Hmmm...but I intellectually know

that it's not logical to project like that.

It comes from the conditioning, and from the recent awareness of what

actually happened to me. It comes from

admitting that hey - she abused the hell out of me, and I'm left with

the mess to clean up again.

The only true understanding I get is here...with you guys.

Thank you.

Diane

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

I hope I don't get nasty emails for saying this, but some of the least

understanding people I have come across have been at church. I go to a baptist

church but have been to assembly of god and methodist too. I have just

learned not to discuss things with them (which is kinda sad since they should

be the most supportive you'd find somewhere), but I got burned a few times

too. I was told I was demon possessed and not praying enough when I told my

pastor's wife I was DID. My associate pastor's wife, nicest lady ever. The

others, not so much.

In a message dated 3/29/2010 5:11:45 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

climberkayak@... writes:

Karla, that's awful about that pastor's wife, wow! That type of situation

would have devastated me hitting huge triggers. So sorry that happened - I

can imagine that's the absolute last thing you needed.

What you said here

" I have to remember that the truth I have come to see is the exact truth

that will bring down many people's own house of cards. They simply can't go

there. "

is very deep. I think to heal as KO's we have to deal with a lot of dark

material in ourselves and about others. Things that even in healthier

relationships most people gloss over and shove under the carpet...and if the

lump

under the carpet isn't too big the strategy works okay. Until we come

along talking about things like what's under the carpet. Like the idea a mother

could not perfectly love her child, even harm them, even try to ruin their

adult life....forbidden!

> > > >

> > > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially

not understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than

they are or nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens

a lot almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except

on this board you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger

toward these misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they

usually do mean well. That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly

or

maybe they don't have the experience to understand them. But still when it

happens I'm left feeling thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse

than alone. As you can guess I got triggered today. I'll work through it but

thanks for reading and you all being here.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You can't make a pig sing. The pig won't do it, and it only

frustrates you.....

or something like that.

You can't get other people with 'normal' mothers to understand your

nada....or what you went through. They just

don't get it. It doesn't make me mad, it just makes me sad.

I get that feeling that I'm a ghost in my own life again....Nobody sees

me, nobody wants me around, and I'm

invisible...JUST LIKE NADA MADE ME FEEL.

My T told me I'm projecting my past experience with

nada onto the outside world, which makes me fearful of

going out of the house. Agoraphobia. Hmmm...but I intellectually know

that it's not logical to project like that.

It comes from the conditioning, and from the recent awareness of what

actually happened to me. It comes from

admitting that hey - she abused the hell out of me, and I'm left with

the mess to clean up again.

The only true understanding I get is here...with you guys.

Thank you.

Diane

[Guest guest]

LOVE!!! This book. It was life-changing for me. And I agree: it is written

from a Christian perspective, but the truths are universal. In fact (dare I say

it) I think it is more powerful coming from the Christian perspective, because

we, as a culture of Christianity, are famous for invalidating people in the

midst of their pain.

I would highly recommend this to anyone and everyone--it gave me clarity and

validation and affirmation that I have not received from any other source.

> > >

> > > ,

> > >

> > > Take good care.  I can really relate to your trigger.

> > >

> > > What's been interesting for me is that as I've done more work on

addressing the trauma, I feel misunderstood much less frequently.  I'm not

really sure why.  It's not just that I can cope with not being understood better

than I used to be able to--although that's also true.  It also just seems to be

easier for people to relate to me.  Maybe it's because I understand myself

better.  I seriously don't know, but I hope things get better for you soon.

> > >

> > > Best,

> > > Ashana

> > >

> > >

> > > Your Mail works best with the New Yahoo Optimized IE8. Get it NOW!

http://downloads.yahoo.com/in/internetexplorer/

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Good point, . I also would add to the mix that there are people who are

" willfully " obtuse, not to mess with you, but because they HAVE to cling to

their own dysfunctional reality, no matter how many facts interfere.

Case in point: I was in the throes of escaping an abusive NP/BP

husband-at-the-time. I talked to a pastor's wife, hoping for some love and

kindness. Instead, she came at me with a laundry list of why I had failed and

how it was all my fault. She gave me nothing but condemnation, blame and

invalidation. In fact, she decided she should have HER husband call MY husband

and try to work things out. ACK!!! No safety issues there!!!!

Long story short, I realized she was throwing all of that filth on me because

she lived with some sort of twisted crazy, and couldn't afford to engage truth.

Her pastor husband was either a cheater or an abuser or both. I'm convinced of

that. Her arguments were too rehearsed, and she was neurotically convinced that

she was right despite the fact that she is a flexible, thinkign person. She

was spewing out the crazy in her own head that she used to deal with her

marriage problems. (i.e. " I don't believe a woman can claim abuse in a

marriage unless her life is literally JUST about to be taken. " Yikes!) Keep in

mind this was a PhD in Psychology.

I have to remember that the truth I have come to see is the exact truth that

will bring down many people's own house of cards. They simply can't go there.

Blessings,

Karla

> > >

> > > A huge trigger for me is people not understanding me. Especially not

understand me in a way that makes my problems out to be smaller than they are or

nonexistent. Or in a way that assumes I'm stupid. And this happens a lot

almost every time I try to seek help on issues about my FOO except on this board

you guys seem to get it. I struggle with a reaction of anger toward these

misunderstanding people and I know in my heart that they usually do mean well.

That the issues are often hard for me to convey clearly or maybe they don't have

the experience to understand them. But still when it happens I'm left feeling

thrown back to how it was when I was a kid, worse than alone. As you can guess

I got triggered today. I'll work through it but thanks for reading and you all

being here.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One more thought (wow this has been a big thread for me and I'm grateful).

I have, in the past, found I was naturally drawn to the exact people who would

misunderstand me during my hard times. I look back, when I was most weakened in

the divorce process. The one girlfriend I chose to confide in? The lawyer I

chose? They all were neurotically blind to the BP in the ex, and resolutely

invalidated and misunderstood me. And I think I sensed that going in.

It was like I had returned home to " mom " to try to get understanding where there

was none. Replaying my past kind of thing. Turning to the folks who would I

intuitively knew would misunderstand me as a way of working out (repeating) the

dynamic I had with nada.

Hope this helps.

>

> You can't make a pig sing. The pig won't do it, and it only

> frustrates you.....

> or something like that.

> You can't get other people with 'normal' mothers to understand your

> nada....or what you went through. They just

> don't get it. It doesn't make me mad, it just makes me sad.

> I get that feeling that I'm a ghost in my own life again....Nobody sees

> me, nobody wants me around, and I'm

> invisible...JUST LIKE NADA MADE ME FEEL.

> My T told me I'm projecting my past experience with

> nada onto the outside world, which makes me fearful of

> going out of the house. Agoraphobia. Hmmm...but I intellectually know

> that it's not logical to project like that.

> It comes from the conditioning, and from the recent awareness of what

> actually happened to me. It comes from

> admitting that hey - she abused the hell out of me, and I'm left with

> the mess to clean up again.

>

> The only true understanding I get is here...with you guys.

> Thank you.

> Diane

>

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