Re: LC/NC: where to draw the line

[Guest guest]

Hi Qwerty,

You seem to be experiencing a lot of stress right now caused by your mother.

What if you

took a 1-week break away to assess the situation? When I went NC with my

mother, I

didn't intend to be in this state for four and a half years (wow, five is coming

up soon!). I

was upset with her about the way she handled a situation. Basically, she had

told me she

would be at an important event for me, then didn't bother to show up and didn't

even

bother to tell me, instead sending the message via someone else. Of course,

when I

confronted her about it, she made all kinds of excuses and blamed me for not

having more

consideration for her feelings. And that was it. I just couldn't talk to her

at that point. I

just needed a bit of time away to figure out how I felt and sort out my own

feelings. Is

there a chance that you can try that?

is

>

> I've learned that I can't make her care. But it disgusts me that she

> doesn't. And I'm wondering whether I shouldn't just stop talking to

> her altogether so that I am not subjected to various forms of

> ugliness, whether it's disregard for me, her grandkids, or her

> tendency to spew whatever garbage is going through her head.

>

> In other words, I know she won't/can't change, but I still have an

> emotional reaction when she says something like that. I don't like

> having those emotional reactions because they make me feel bad, and

> they tire me out. Even trying to avoid one of her pitfalls tires me

> out. So maybe it's time for me to remove myself from those situations

> altogether.

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

" Is there anything she can do or say that you haven't

already experienced and lived through? "

Terrific point, Sylvia - and so easy to forget! Thanks for the

reminder!

[Guest guest]

- " the_real_scoop_249385736 " wrote:

>

> Hi Carla,

>

> If yours is anything like mine, she doesn't listen to what you say anyways.

So you can just

> wait for a pause, then say, 'Uh nuh.' Which is neutral enough that she can

interpret it in

> whatever way she wants, then keep talking for hours more.

>

> is

Yup and I throw in a few Hmmm's just for variety. LOL

xoxo Carla

[Guest guest]

Hi Recovering Non-BP Dude!

It is nice to hear from you again. I hope you have a happy holiday

season, free of BPD fleas!

Sylvia

> > >

> > > Qwerty,

> > >

> > > This is pretty much the reason I went NC. I

> > would still get upset

> > > when I was around her; I didn't like anything

> > she said; and I

> > > couldn't be myself around her without also

> > upsetting other people

> > > too. I finally decided that it was just too

> > exhausting, and there

> > > was absolutely no benefit to spending any

> > time with my nada.

> > >

> > > sylvia

>

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Kyla,

What you wrote below reminded me of something.

My brother had a girl friend briefly that would give you all these excuses as to

why she

was being a raging bitch. She got pissed because he walked across the parking

lot to

greet me when I went to meet them at the movies. He calls me the next day to say

that

she had apologized for her behavior. On a hunch I asked him what she said...All

she did

was explain why she was being so bitchy and then follow it up by saying that's

just how I

am sometimes.

I told him THAT'S not an apology, It is a warning and predictor of future

behavior.

That is how I feel everytime someone, nada or other, says " Oh it was because I

was under

so much stress " When you qualify an apology with that kind of statement you

might as

well not bother!

Can you tell this is a pet peeve of mine?

xoxo Carla

> > >

> > > Hi Qwerty,

> > >

> > > You seem to be experiencing a lot of stress right now caused by

> your

> > mother. What if you

> > > took a 1-week break away to assess the situation? When I went NC

> > with my mother, I

> > > didn't intend to be in this state for four and a half years (wow,

> > five is coming up soon!). I

> > > was upset with her about the way she handled a situation.

> > Basically, she had told me she

> > > would be at an important event for me, then didn't bother to

> show up

> > and didn't even

> > > bother to tell me, instead sending the message via someone

> else. Of

> > course, when I

> > > confronted her about it, she made all kinds of excuses and

> blamed me

> > for not having more

> > > consideration for her feelings. And that was it. I just

> couldn't

> > talk to her at that point. I

> > > just needed a bit of time away to figure out how I felt and sort

> out

> > my own feelings. Is

> > > there a chance that you can try that?

> > >

> > > is

> >

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Can you tell this is a pet peeve of mine?)))))

Yes......and lets not forget....

" Well, I had a bad day!!! " Or " well, you pissed me off first "

or my personal fav....

" I didn't mean it, I was drunk " ......or when stickin up for the

other drunk-n-foos....

" ______ was drunk, so ______didn't mean it " Give me a break.....I

have been around boozer's long enough to know.......

THEY DO MEAN IT.....ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE DRUNK!!!

drlingirl

> > > >

> > > > Hi Qwerty,

> > > >

> > > > You seem to be experiencing a lot of stress right now caused

by

> > your

> > > mother. What if you

> > > > took a 1-week break away to assess the situation? When I

went NC

> > > with my mother, I

> > > > didn't intend to be in this state for four and a half years

(wow,

> > > five is coming up soon!). I

> > > > was upset with her about the way she handled a situation.

> > > Basically, she had told me she

> > > > would be at an important event for me, then didn't bother to

> > show up

> > > and didn't even

> > > > bother to tell me, instead sending the message via someone

> > else. Of

> > > course, when I

> > > > confronted her about it, she made all kinds of excuses and

> > blamed me

> > > for not having more

> > > > consideration for her feelings. And that was it. I just

> > couldn't

> > > talk to her at that point. I

> > > > just needed a bit of time away to figure out how I felt and

sort

> > out

> > > my own feelings. Is

> > > > there a chance that you can try that?

> > > >

> > > > is

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, one of the most hurtful ones in my family happened recently. My

brother was sharing with our dishrag dad that his teenage years of

acting out were because nada was so emotionally out of control --

My dishrad dad had the nerve to say " Well, you always were a little

wild anyway. "

What utter BULLSHIT! He was a sweet little boy who was hardened and

made mean by HER!!! Luckily, he's straightened himself out and is a

GREAT brother, husband and father. I love him dearly and I could

slap my dad for saying such an awful thing. His denial is so deep

you can't see the bottom.

-Kyla

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi Qwerty,

> > > > >

> > > > > You seem to be experiencing a lot of stress right now

caused

> by

> > > your

> > > > mother. What if you

> > > > > took a 1-week break away to assess the situation? When I

> went NC

> > > > with my mother, I

> > > > > didn't intend to be in this state for four and a half

years

> (wow,

> > > > five is coming up soon!). I

> > > > > was upset with her about the way she handled a situation.

> > > > Basically, she had told me she

> > > > > would be at an important event for me, then didn't bother

to

> > > show up

> > > > and didn't even

> > > > > bother to tell me, instead sending the message via someone

> > > else. Of

> > > > course, when I

> > > > > confronted her about it, she made all kinds of excuses and

> > > blamed me

> > > > for not having more

> > > > > consideration for her feelings. And that was it. I just

> > > couldn't

> > > > talk to her at that point. I

> > > > > just needed a bit of time away to figure out how I felt

and

> sort

> > > out

> > > > my own feelings. Is

> > > > > there a chance that you can try that?

> > > > >

> > > > > is

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia,

Thanks so much for your wonderful greeting. You

made me Laugh Out Loud and you made my day. I

hope you, too, have a happy holiday season. Does

BPD-repellant spray work in the winter time?

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- smhtrain2 wrote:

> Hi Recovering Non-BP Dude!

>

> It is nice to hear from you again. I hope you

> have a happy holiday

> season, free of BPD fleas!

>

> Sylvia

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Qwerty,

> > > >

> > > > This is pretty much the reason I went NC.

> I

> > > would still get upset

> > > > when I was around her; I didn't like

> anything

> > > she said; and I

> > > > couldn't be myself around her without

> also

> > > upsetting other people

> > > > too. I finally decided that it was just

> too

> > > exhausting, and there

> > > > was absolutely no benefit to spending any

> > > time with my nada.

> > > >

> > > > sylvia

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

> _______________

> > Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> > Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

>

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?

> category=shopping

> >

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Hi Kyla,

Thanks for the nice greeting and the compliment.

I was supposed to honor my FOO, too, and I did –

but don’t ask them about it, you’ll get a VERY

different story! An old saying is, “Don’t

disgrace the family name.” With BPD, even that

perception is contentious. You're doing a LOT of

things to HONOR your FOO name and I’m sure your

children will follow your example, honoring THEIR

FOO. Keep up the great work.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> Hey, Non-BP -- good to see you!

>

> I like your post, especially the phrase: " My

> door was

> > and will be open to their healthy

> participation "

>

> That's really the heart of it -- their HEALTHY

> participation!

>

> My dad brought up that I'm supposed to honor

> them, and that I wasn't

> complying with that commandment (he realizes I

> revere my religious

> beliefs, so he was really going for the gut on

> that one.), but by

> leaving the door open to a healthy

> relationship, as you put it, I

> really AM honoring them. If they were

> acquaintances or friends, I

> would have dropped them and never looked back.

>

> I try to honor them in other ways -- keeping

> them in touch with the

> kids' activities, and I'll send something for

> Christmas,

> birthdays.....you know, those types of things.

> I'm always polite

> when they call, or the rare times we're

> together. So, in those

> respects, I believe I AM honoring them as my

> beliefs direct me to.

>

> Glad to see you're in a healthy place and

> mindset about your

> family. This board has helped me, too -- more

> than I can say.

> You've said it for me!

>

> -Kyla

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