Re: Headlights syndrome (was re:anger)

[Guest guest]

>What I was talking about is not actually genuine interest in me, it is

her interest in how I can be of service to her. When she asks me what I

>am doing or what my plans are it usually means that she is wondering

what I can do for her or she is looking for something to identify as a

>problem in my life. When I would talk about my own life, which was

infrequent, the conversation always turned into her " thing " . At best

>her interest in my life would often be in relation to some sort of

problem--like having too many things on my plate (the underlying

message being therefore I don't have enough time for her).

my nada wouldn't even beat around the bush in this manner...she'd just blurt

out what she thinks, with no hint of caring or concern..I was playing cards

with my husband, dad and brother one time at the parents house..nada comes

up to me, and says she wants me to get blah blah blah down from the closet

shelf and then vacuum the house because guests were coming...no please, no

when you can..just do it now !!

I suppose if I had had kids, maybe she'd see me differently, but as it is,

she still thinks I'm her slave..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>What I was talking about is not actually genuine interest in me, it is

her interest in how I can be of service to her. When she asks me what I

>am doing or what my plans are it usually means that she is wondering

what I can do for her or she is looking for something to identify as a

>problem in my life. When I would talk about my own life, which was

infrequent, the conversation always turned into her " thing " . At best

>her interest in my life would often be in relation to some sort of

problem--like having too many things on my plate (the underlying

message being therefore I don't have enough time for her).

my nada wouldn't even beat around the bush in this manner...she'd just blurt

out what she thinks, with no hint of caring or concern..I was playing cards

with my husband, dad and brother one time at the parents house..nada comes

up to me, and says she wants me to get blah blah blah down from the closet

shelf and then vacuum the house because guests were coming...no please, no

when you can..just do it now !!

I suppose if I had had kids, maybe she'd see me differently, but as it is,

she still thinks I'm her slave..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>My mom would ask plans when I was in high school, that stopped.

Like you Jackie, I could never get 2 words in a conversation. It was

>always her going on and on, never asking how I was. I used to put the

phone down, walk away for 5 minutes, pick the phone back up and she

>never knew I was gone.

I was nominated and won an achievement award from the morgan horse assoc.

It's a rare opportunity as I never breed nor show, yet they thought my

accomplishments were worthy of this award..I also had to be nominated by

other people ( see I have great friends LOL) I tried to tell nada about

this award, " I won this award from.... " and she waves her hand in front of

my face and says she gets these awards all the time, she has so many she

just sticks them in a drawer...well, the kind she's talking about are

recongnition of donating money to like the liberary or something, this was

totally different..but she didn't care and wouldn't listen...but it's the

WAY she said it " oh, Jackie, I get these things all the time.... " in a very

diappointed tone of voice..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>My mom would ask plans when I was in high school, that stopped.

Like you Jackie, I could never get 2 words in a conversation. It was

>always her going on and on, never asking how I was. I used to put the

phone down, walk away for 5 minutes, pick the phone back up and she

>never knew I was gone.

I was nominated and won an achievement award from the morgan horse assoc.

It's a rare opportunity as I never breed nor show, yet they thought my

accomplishments were worthy of this award..I also had to be nominated by

other people ( see I have great friends LOL) I tried to tell nada about

this award, " I won this award from.... " and she waves her hand in front of

my face and says she gets these awards all the time, she has so many she

just sticks them in a drawer...well, the kind she's talking about are

recongnition of donating money to like the liberary or something, this was

totally different..but she didn't care and wouldn't listen...but it's the

WAY she said it " oh, Jackie, I get these things all the time.... " in a very

diappointed tone of voice..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>My mom would ask plans when I was in high school, that stopped.

Like you Jackie, I could never get 2 words in a conversation. It was

>always her going on and on, never asking how I was. I used to put the

phone down, walk away for 5 minutes, pick the phone back up and she

>never knew I was gone.

I was nominated and won an achievement award from the morgan horse assoc.

It's a rare opportunity as I never breed nor show, yet they thought my

accomplishments were worthy of this award..I also had to be nominated by

other people ( see I have great friends LOL) I tried to tell nada about

this award, " I won this award from.... " and she waves her hand in front of

my face and says she gets these awards all the time, she has so many she

just sticks them in a drawer...well, the kind she's talking about are

recongnition of donating money to like the liberary or something, this was

totally different..but she didn't care and wouldn't listen...but it's the

WAY she said it " oh, Jackie, I get these things all the time.... " in a very

diappointed tone of voice..

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the birthday wish, and for the back-up.

Janie

sleddog wrote:

> My mother isn't interested in anything I do or have to do either.

All

> she is >interested in is herself, my daughter and especially my oldest

> grandson, she is >somewhat interested in the younger grandson, as tomorrow

> is his birthday,

happy birthday to you younger son !! since I did not have kids, she's not

interested in anything about me..

> I AM GOING TO HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!!!!

yes, you are...this is your life and you should live it as you see fit, not

as your nada thinks it should be

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the birthday wish, and for the back-up.

Janie

sleddog wrote:

> My mother isn't interested in anything I do or have to do either.

All

> she is >interested in is herself, my daughter and especially my oldest

> grandson, she is >somewhat interested in the younger grandson, as tomorrow

> is his birthday,

happy birthday to you younger son !! since I did not have kids, she's not

interested in anything about me..

> I AM GOING TO HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!!!!

yes, you are...this is your life and you should live it as you see fit, not

as your nada thinks it should be

Jackie

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the birthday wish, and for the back-up.

Janie

sleddog wrote:

> My mother isn't interested in anything I do or have to do either.

All

> she is >interested in is herself, my daughter and especially my oldest

> grandson, she is >somewhat interested in the younger grandson, as tomorrow

> is his birthday,

happy birthday to you younger son !! since I did not have kids, she's not

interested in anything about me..

> I AM GOING TO HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!!!!

yes, you are...this is your life and you should live it as you see fit, not

as your nada thinks it should be

Jackie

[Guest guest]

I have it happen often - just totally freeze up in her presence (phone, e-mail,

in person, anticipated contact, etc). What have you learned about why it

happens? Is it more than a conditioned response? And if it's conditioned, what

did it? Repressed memories? Fear? Confusion? Or is there some chemical

response as well? -

michelle wrote: I am reposting some of this

message, but I really wanted to hear from

some of you about this and I thought my posting might have gotten lost

in the shuffle.

A few days ago Melany wrote:

> Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

problems with getting overly

> angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

and staying angry,

> depending on the situation.

and then she added:

> On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

loose my anger about what

> she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

and hearing all your

> stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first

time I could really

> get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those

check lists switched

> some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

book, the switch goes

> off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have

noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to

lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned

back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged

with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and

also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and

contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

mother.

Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

XOXO

---------------------------------

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

[Guest guest]

I have it happen often - just totally freeze up in her presence (phone, e-mail,

in person, anticipated contact, etc). What have you learned about why it

happens? Is it more than a conditioned response? And if it's conditioned, what

did it? Repressed memories? Fear? Confusion? Or is there some chemical

response as well? -

michelle wrote: I am reposting some of this

message, but I really wanted to hear from

some of you about this and I thought my posting might have gotten lost

in the shuffle.

A few days ago Melany wrote:

> Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

problems with getting overly

> angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

and staying angry,

> depending on the situation.

and then she added:

> On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

loose my anger about what

> she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

and hearing all your

> stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first

time I could really

> get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those

check lists switched

> some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

book, the switch goes

> off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have

noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to

lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned

back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged

with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and

also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and

contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

mother.

Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

XOXO

---------------------------------

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

[Guest guest]

I have it happen often - just totally freeze up in her presence (phone, e-mail,

in person, anticipated contact, etc). What have you learned about why it

happens? Is it more than a conditioned response? And if it's conditioned, what

did it? Repressed memories? Fear? Confusion? Or is there some chemical

response as well? -

michelle wrote: I am reposting some of this

message, but I really wanted to hear from

some of you about this and I thought my posting might have gotten lost

in the shuffle.

A few days ago Melany wrote:

> Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

problems with getting overly

> angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

and staying angry,

> depending on the situation.

and then she added:

> On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

loose my anger about what

> she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

and hearing all your

> stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first

time I could really

> get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those

check lists switched

> some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

book, the switch goes

> off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have

noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to

lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned

back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged

with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and

also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and

contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

mother.

Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

XOXO

---------------------------------

The fish are biting.

Get more visitors on your site using Yahoo! Search Marketing.

[Guest guest]

, that is exactly the emotion I get...total shut-down. I don't know why

I do it, but you aren't the only one. -

michelle wrote:

and Bunny,

I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of

thing, but this is not really what I was getting at.

I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range

of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I

lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this

but it continues to be a problem.

It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I

can't access my rational self.

Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more

about this perhaps. . .

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

, that is exactly the emotion I get...total shut-down. I don't know why

I do it, but you aren't the only one. -

michelle wrote:

and Bunny,

I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of

thing, but this is not really what I was getting at.

I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range

of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I

lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this

but it continues to be a problem.

It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I

can't access my rational self.

Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more

about this perhaps. . .

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

>sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

>headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

yes, if nada would say " we need to talk " that was enough to have panic set

in. That usually meant she was going to get serious and ask questions I

could never be honest to her about ( like " I did the best I could with you

kids, you were all so difficult, do you think I did a good job as a

mother? " ) of course now I would simply look at her and say " no, I do not

think you did a very good job being a mother to us " of course she'll get

mad and either rage or continue asking me questions, but I will now tell

her the truth...if she doesn't want the truth, she'll stop asking me

questions...I will no longer lie to her..or for her...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

>sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

>headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

yes, if nada would say " we need to talk " that was enough to have panic set

in. That usually meant she was going to get serious and ask questions I

could never be honest to her about ( like " I did the best I could with you

kids, you were all so difficult, do you think I did a good job as a

mother? " ) of course now I would simply look at her and say " no, I do not

think you did a very good job being a mother to us " of course she'll get

mad and either rage or continue asking me questions, but I will now tell

her the truth...if she doesn't want the truth, she'll stop asking me

questions...I will no longer lie to her..or for her...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

I just remembered another " headlights syndrome " situation. I was afraid of

snakes - not afraid...absolutely terrorized. If I saw one, I stopped breathing

and couldn't move, couldn't scream, nothing. My childhood home was near a creek

and I was taught that there were water moccasins (cottonmouth) in abundance

there, so if someone hollered, " STOP! " , I was to freeze with my foot in the air

and wait for rescue. Ok, that was when I was 4...trouble was, nobody changed

the rules when I got older so I never realized that I was bigger than the

snakes...that I could kill them, deter them, catch them, or walk away from

them...all I learned was to freeze with my foot in the air (stupid rule when you

think about it). Anyway - years passed and the fear remained even though I lived

far from that creek. I knew I was afraid, but the breaking point came when my

baby boy was crawling towards a small king snake in the back yard and I was too

frightened -frozen in fear -to rescue him or

even call out for help. Fortunately, the dog kept barking and got my husband's

attention. The next day, my education began. My husband has handled snakes

(poisonous and non) since he was 10 years old and does it safely..no scare

tactics. He started by catching a tiny constrictor in the woods (6 inches long

maybe), went behind a locked gate in our back yard and held it up. I stood on a

tall chair behind the locked sliding glass doors of our house some 100 yards

away and looked through binoculars. He held the snake until I knocked on the

glass doors, then returned it to the woods and came inside. He told me the kind

of snake it was, how to identify it, where it lived, etc. This went on for

weeks. By the end of the summer, he caught a 12 inch hog-nosed snake which had

just eaten so it was lethargic and, with my ok, put it in a closed terrarium on

the back porch with the ground cover the snake would usually like. I could

stand behind closed doors and watch it crawl

over grass and rock safely while he explained why it moved as it did. When it

showed signs of restlessness (ready to eat), he released it. Slowly, I overcame

my fear. I still don't like to handle them and my first reflex is to scream if

I come upon one suddenly - but in the same breath, I can tell him what it is,

where it lives, whether it's a danger, how to catch it and how to move it along.

To me, the BPD 'headlight syndrome' is like that. The fear is real and is

instilled. Sometimes they're real cottonmouths and sometimes, like in the creek

near my childhood home, they're just banded water snakes. It doesn't really

matter. Our first reaction may forever be to freeze up or jump, but, now I'm

realizing that with knowledge and practice, in the same breath that we freeze,

we can also learn to walk beyond that fear and get on with living our lives.

-

sleddog wrote:

>Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

>sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

>headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

yes, if nada would say " we need to talk " that was enough to have panic set

in. That usually meant she was going to get serious and ask questions I

could never be honest to her about ( like " I did the best I could with you

kids, you were all so difficult, do you think I did a good job as a

mother? " ) of course now I would simply look at her and say " no, I do not

think you did a very good job being a mother to us " of course she'll get

mad and either rage or continue asking me questions, but I will now tell

her the truth...if she doesn't want the truth, she'll stop asking me

questions...I will no longer lie to her..or for her...

Jackie

---------------------------------

Don't be flakey. Get Yahoo! Mail for Mobile and

always stay connected to friends.

[Guest guest]

I just remembered another " headlights syndrome " situation. I was afraid of

snakes - not afraid...absolutely terrorized. If I saw one, I stopped breathing

and couldn't move, couldn't scream, nothing. My childhood home was near a creek

and I was taught that there were water moccasins (cottonmouth) in abundance

there, so if someone hollered, " STOP! " , I was to freeze with my foot in the air

and wait for rescue. Ok, that was when I was 4...trouble was, nobody changed

the rules when I got older so I never realized that I was bigger than the

snakes...that I could kill them, deter them, catch them, or walk away from

them...all I learned was to freeze with my foot in the air (stupid rule when you

think about it). Anyway - years passed and the fear remained even though I lived

far from that creek. I knew I was afraid, but the breaking point came when my

baby boy was crawling towards a small king snake in the back yard and I was too

frightened -frozen in fear -to rescue him or

even call out for help. Fortunately, the dog kept barking and got my husband's

attention. The next day, my education began. My husband has handled snakes

(poisonous and non) since he was 10 years old and does it safely..no scare

tactics. He started by catching a tiny constrictor in the woods (6 inches long

maybe), went behind a locked gate in our back yard and held it up. I stood on a

tall chair behind the locked sliding glass doors of our house some 100 yards

away and looked through binoculars. He held the snake until I knocked on the

glass doors, then returned it to the woods and came inside. He told me the kind

of snake it was, how to identify it, where it lived, etc. This went on for

weeks. By the end of the summer, he caught a 12 inch hog-nosed snake which had

just eaten so it was lethargic and, with my ok, put it in a closed terrarium on

the back porch with the ground cover the snake would usually like. I could

stand behind closed doors and watch it crawl

over grass and rock safely while he explained why it moved as it did. When it

showed signs of restlessness (ready to eat), he released it. Slowly, I overcame

my fear. I still don't like to handle them and my first reflex is to scream if

I come upon one suddenly - but in the same breath, I can tell him what it is,

where it lives, whether it's a danger, how to catch it and how to move it along.

To me, the BPD 'headlight syndrome' is like that. The fear is real and is

instilled. Sometimes they're real cottonmouths and sometimes, like in the creek

near my childhood home, they're just banded water snakes. It doesn't really

matter. Our first reaction may forever be to freeze up or jump, but, now I'm

realizing that with knowledge and practice, in the same breath that we freeze,

we can also learn to walk beyond that fear and get on with living our lives.

-

sleddog wrote:

>Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

>sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

>headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

yes, if nada would say " we need to talk " that was enough to have panic set

in. That usually meant she was going to get serious and ask questions I

could never be honest to her about ( like " I did the best I could with you

kids, you were all so difficult, do you think I did a good job as a

mother? " ) of course now I would simply look at her and say " no, I do not

think you did a very good job being a mother to us " of course she'll get

mad and either rage or continue asking me questions, but I will now tell

her the truth...if she doesn't want the truth, she'll stop asking me

questions...I will no longer lie to her..or for her...

Jackie

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[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I've had limited internet access since I've been out of town, so I

completely missed this thread. I haven't had a chance yet to read the

replies, but I just wanted to make one small correction to my earlier

post. I realized after I posted it that I had not communicated

clearly. I'm not even sure it actually changes the whole overall

message, but what I was trying to say in the first part here:

> I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

was that I can either get too angry or not angry enough, depending on

the situation. A lot of the time the " not angry enough " happens with

nada, but it happens with others as well. It's kind of frustrating

that I can't stay angry sometimes when I think I should be angry. And

on the flip side, it's awful to look at situations where I know I

shouldn't have been angry and became so. Now that I'm really thinking

about it, I bet the inappropriate anger comes as a result of not being

able to fully feel and express the appropriate anger. I'm looking

forward to reading the discussion to see if others have similar

problems (after I've unpacked some). Thanks for bringing this up !

Melany

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

Now that I've read most of the replies here let me say that yes,

this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Nada could silence a geologist if she decided to argue that the world

is flat. I have learned over so many years that there really is NO way

to effectively disagree with that woman. And she will not change her

intensity based on the age, mental capacity, and/or relation to her of

the person she is disagreeing with. As such, when I get angry with

her, my anger diffuses into some other place inside of me partially

because I've been trained that outward disagreement gets me nowhere.

Not even an inch on most occasions, and usually sets me backwards. I

find myself apologizing for things that make no sense and saying

whatever it takes in the end to make her shut up. (like the person who

said her brother " admitted " to being drunk just to end the inquiry)

Even if you tell her she's unrelenting, she will disagree with that.

That's why I had given up and given in in so many ways, because I felt

there was just no point in arguing. Expressing anger lead to 50x that

much anger in return.

It saddens me because I really don't think I can ever really express

to her how I would like things to be different. Jackie, I see what

you're saying, that now you would just tell her the truth. My nada is

so good at twisted reasoning that I'm not it would even penetrate the

first layer of armor. I guess I haven't yet figured out what I'm

looking for or can reasonably expect in a relationship with her. Great

topic.

Melany