Re: Headlights syndrome (was re:anger)

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure how to explain my " headlights " experience. I do experience this

quite a bit, but in various ways. Most of the time my " headlights " experience

comes in the form of distraction. When we get to the point where we are at

blows and she starts to get angry and goes off, her " argument " is all over the

place....she throws things in my face that aren't just irrelevant...most of the

time it is total fabrication. I wish I had a court reporter so I can say

ok...first off all...that first thing..it never happened..the second

thing...that's not how it happened...the third thing...i did that was i was

5.....and the fourth thing...well that didn't even make any sense! After about

an hour of fighting, we finally get to the point of why she's REALLY mad and by

that time I'm exhausted and just throw my hands up and say " whatever " . The

other thing that causes that " headlight " effect is after I realize that despite

me telling her something 25 times she still hasn't heard a

word I have said. I get to a point where I get frustrated because I don't know

how ELSE to explain what I am saying....but it's not what I'm saying...the

problem is she hears " blah, blah, blah, blah " .

Our last argument was over a turkey baster...she came to my house and asked me

if we had " one of those things " ....apparently it was this big huge emergency

because my father demanded that she return with one....after 10 minutes of

Thanksgiving charades I finally figured out what she wanted...but I made the

mistake of asking her WHY she wanted it. That is where she blew up and started

screaming at me. I calmly explained that I only had ONE turkey baster and I was

using it. She stood out on my porch and screamed " Don't you tell me that you

weren't home because how else could you have found your Christmas presents? " I

just stood there, totally at a loss for words....ummmm...what? Who said I

wasn't home? I found my Christmas presents when I was 5! (Why was I home alone

at that age??) What does that have to do with the turkey baster? My husband

followed her over to give her the darned turkey baster (which I would have never

done and told him it was a bad idea...she was

gone...let sleeping dogs lie) and there laid my dad...asleep in the easy chair

(so much for HIM wanting it)....he handed her the baster to which she replied

snottily " is this how you loan things out? you couldn't take the time to clean

it first? " She went into the kitchen, put the baster in the dishwasher (didn't

run it...just put it in there) and returned back to her computer to play her

solitaire game. What can you do? What can you say? All you can do is stand

there....speechless.

I've also learned that asking them to explain what happened over a large family

gathering is a really, really bad idea!

michelle wrote: I am

reposting some of this message, but I really wanted to hear from

some of you about this and I thought my posting might have gotten lost

in the shuffle.

A few days ago Melany wrote:

> Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

problems with getting overly

> angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

and staying angry,

> depending on the situation.

and then she added:

> On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

loose my anger about what

> she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

and hearing all your

> stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first

time I could really

> get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those

check lists switched

> some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

book, the switch goes

> off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have

noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to

lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned

back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our

relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged

with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and

also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and

contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

mother.

Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

XOXO

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

[Guest guest]

Bunny,

Yes, yes, yes!! By the time they get to the point, we are completely

exhausted.

When I was a teenager I would wake up on a Sat. morning. and this

happened all the time. First question out of mom's mouth- what are

you doing tonight? I don't know mom, I just woke up, I'll tell you

when I know. 10 minutes later- what are you doing tonight? Gee mom,

I still don't know, I'll be sure to tell you when I do. Another 10

minutes later, here we go again. This would go on until I would get

so frustrated and scream at the top of my lungs- I don't know what

the F*** I'm doing tonight!!! Then she would say, I only asked you a

simple question, why are you so upset!! UGH!!

>

> > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

>

> and then she added:

>

> > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> loose my anger about what

> > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> and hearing all your

> > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

first

> time I could really

> > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

those

> check lists switched

> > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> book, the switch goes

> > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

>

> What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

have

> noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

feelings

> to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

to

> lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

totally

> invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

turned

> back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

>

> Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

our

> relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

when

> it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

how

> to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

enraged

> with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

and

> rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

>

> I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

and

> also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

and

> contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

my

> mother.

>

> Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

>

> XOXO

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Kisses and Nibbles,

>

> Bunny

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bunny,

Yes, yes, yes!! By the time they get to the point, we are completely

exhausted.

When I was a teenager I would wake up on a Sat. morning. and this

happened all the time. First question out of mom's mouth- what are

you doing tonight? I don't know mom, I just woke up, I'll tell you

when I know. 10 minutes later- what are you doing tonight? Gee mom,

I still don't know, I'll be sure to tell you when I do. Another 10

minutes later, here we go again. This would go on until I would get

so frustrated and scream at the top of my lungs- I don't know what

the F*** I'm doing tonight!!! Then she would say, I only asked you a

simple question, why are you so upset!! UGH!!

>

> > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

>

> and then she added:

>

> > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> loose my anger about what

> > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> and hearing all your

> > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

first

> time I could really

> > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

those

> check lists switched

> > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> book, the switch goes

> > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

>

> What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

have

> noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

feelings

> to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

to

> lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

totally

> invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

turned

> back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

>

> Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

our

> relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

when

> it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

how

> to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

enraged

> with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

and

> rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

>

> I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

and

> also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

and

> contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

my

> mother.

>

> Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

>

> XOXO

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Kisses and Nibbles,

>

> Bunny

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bunny,

Yes, yes, yes!! By the time they get to the point, we are completely

exhausted.

When I was a teenager I would wake up on a Sat. morning. and this

happened all the time. First question out of mom's mouth- what are

you doing tonight? I don't know mom, I just woke up, I'll tell you

when I know. 10 minutes later- what are you doing tonight? Gee mom,

I still don't know, I'll be sure to tell you when I do. Another 10

minutes later, here we go again. This would go on until I would get

so frustrated and scream at the top of my lungs- I don't know what

the F*** I'm doing tonight!!! Then she would say, I only asked you a

simple question, why are you so upset!! UGH!!

>

> > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

>

> and then she added:

>

> > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> loose my anger about what

> > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> and hearing all your

> > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

first

> time I could really

> > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

those

> check lists switched

> > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> book, the switch goes

> > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

>

> What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

have

> noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

feelings

> to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

to

> lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

totally

> invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

turned

> back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

>

> Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

our

> relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

when

> it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

how

> to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

enraged

> with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

and

> rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

>

> I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

and

> also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

and

> contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

my

> mother.

>

> Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

>

> XOXO

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Kisses and Nibbles,

>

> Bunny

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

and Bunny,

I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of

thing, but this is not really what I was getting at.

I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range

of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I

lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this

but it continues to be a problem.

It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I

can't access my rational self.

Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more

about this perhaps. . .

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

and Bunny,

I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of

thing, but this is not really what I was getting at.

I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range

of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I

lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this

but it continues to be a problem.

It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I

can't access my rational self.

Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more

about this perhaps. . .

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

and Bunny,

I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of

thing, but this is not really what I was getting at.

I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range

of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I

lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this

but it continues to be a problem.

It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I

can't access my rational self.

Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more

about this perhaps. . .

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

What are you doing...what are you plans.

She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to

say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always

somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and

what was my problem.

It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy.

Malinda

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yep....old habits die hard i guess because my brother just called me saying " we

have to do something about mom " ...She asked him if he was drunk...he said

no...she said yes you are..admit it, you're drunk...my brother responded...no

ma...i'm not drunk...she replied yes you are, I can tell, I'm not stupid, I'm

not stupid you are drunk i can see it in your eyes, you can't even have a decent

conversation! you're drunk...no i'm not...yes you are, admit it...no, i'm

not...it went on and on and on. Finally he screamed " FINE! I'm drunk...NOW will

you leave me alone? " You know, when he made his call to me I thought, ya

know...i'm glad i know what he's talking about because to the ear of those who

grew up in a house with some normalcy, it almost sounds like he was asking me to

kill her.

I want to pull my hair out some days.

maparise17 wrote:

Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

What are you doing...what are you plans.

She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to

say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always

somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and

what was my problem.

It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy.

Malinda

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yep....old habits die hard i guess because my brother just called me saying " we

have to do something about mom " ...She asked him if he was drunk...he said

no...she said yes you are..admit it, you're drunk...my brother responded...no

ma...i'm not drunk...she replied yes you are, I can tell, I'm not stupid, I'm

not stupid you are drunk i can see it in your eyes, you can't even have a decent

conversation! you're drunk...no i'm not...yes you are, admit it...no, i'm

not...it went on and on and on. Finally he screamed " FINE! I'm drunk...NOW will

you leave me alone? " You know, when he made his call to me I thought, ya

know...i'm glad i know what he's talking about because to the ear of those who

grew up in a house with some normalcy, it almost sounds like he was asking me to

kill her.

I want to pull my hair out some days.

maparise17 wrote:

Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

What are you doing...what are you plans.

She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to

say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always

somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and

what was my problem.

It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy.

Malinda

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yep....old habits die hard i guess because my brother just called me saying " we

have to do something about mom " ...She asked him if he was drunk...he said

no...she said yes you are..admit it, you're drunk...my brother responded...no

ma...i'm not drunk...she replied yes you are, I can tell, I'm not stupid, I'm

not stupid you are drunk i can see it in your eyes, you can't even have a decent

conversation! you're drunk...no i'm not...yes you are, admit it...no, i'm

not...it went on and on and on. Finally he screamed " FINE! I'm drunk...NOW will

you leave me alone? " You know, when he made his call to me I thought, ya

know...i'm glad i know what he's talking about because to the ear of those who

grew up in a house with some normalcy, it almost sounds like he was asking me to

kill her.

I want to pull my hair out some days.

maparise17 wrote:

Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

What are you doing...what are you plans.

She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to

say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always

somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and

what was my problem.

It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy.

Malinda

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Kisses and Nibbles,

> >

> > Bunny

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Michele,

I know exactly what you are saying. Not so much with my nada,

anymore, but my NP husband. It is usually if I ask him something, he

won't really answer it, and he immediately throws it back to me. I

can't even think straight. I get angry because he won't be

accountable and then I feel like I can't think to respond to him

clearly.

Or he will just start questioning me about what I think the

problem is and he wants me to site specfic things. I feel like I

just can't respond to him. I do feel like I have an emotional

paralysis..great way to put it.

Thanks for sharing your insight, that really helped me.

Malinda

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with

getting

> > angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at

nada. If I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered.

Coming here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put

down the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to

me. I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always

gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I

could so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

but

> > when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> > how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming

totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> > and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when

confronted by

> > my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > >

> > > Bunny

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

,

I haven't read the other replies yet, but in response to your

question about whether any of us have experienced this same thing,

all I can say is YES. Word for word. I could have written the EXACT

same thing.

Forgiveness is healthy, but the forgetting part - where you said you

could be hoovered back in easily - I often have wondered in my case

whether this might be because it was what we needed to do to survive

when we lived in their homes. We had to get by, so we had to forget

about the craziness until the next time it reared its ugly head.

Plus, there were good times in between. It was all so confusing that

it was easier to forget about it in between.

Tara

>

> > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

>

> and then she added:

>

> > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> loose my anger about what

> > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> and hearing all your

> > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

first

> time I could really

> > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

those

> check lists switched

> > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> book, the switch goes

> > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

>

> What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

have

> noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

> to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

to

> lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

> invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

turned

> back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

>

> Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

our

> relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

> it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

> to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

enraged

> with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

> rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

>

> I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

and

> also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

and

> contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

> mother.

>

> Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

>

> XOXO

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I haven't read the other replies yet, but in response to your

question about whether any of us have experienced this same thing,

all I can say is YES. Word for word. I could have written the EXACT

same thing.

Forgiveness is healthy, but the forgetting part - where you said you

could be hoovered back in easily - I often have wondered in my case

whether this might be because it was what we needed to do to survive

when we lived in their homes. We had to get by, so we had to forget

about the craziness until the next time it reared its ugly head.

Plus, there were good times in between. It was all so confusing that

it was easier to forget about it in between.

Tara

>

> > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

>

> and then she added:

>

> > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> loose my anger about what

> > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> and hearing all your

> > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

first

> time I could really

> > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

those

> check lists switched

> > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> book, the switch goes

> > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

>

> What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

have

> noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

> to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

to

> lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

> invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

turned

> back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

>

> Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

our

> relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

> it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

> to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

enraged

> with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

> rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

>

> I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

and

> also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

and

> contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

> mother.

>

> Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

>

> XOXO

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I haven't read the other replies yet, but in response to your

question about whether any of us have experienced this same thing,

all I can say is YES. Word for word. I could have written the EXACT

same thing.

Forgiveness is healthy, but the forgetting part - where you said you

could be hoovered back in easily - I often have wondered in my case

whether this might be because it was what we needed to do to survive

when we lived in their homes. We had to get by, so we had to forget

about the craziness until the next time it reared its ugly head.

Plus, there were good times in between. It was all so confusing that

it was easier to forget about it in between.

Tara

>

> > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> problems with getting overly

> > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> and staying angry,

> > depending on the situation.

>

> and then she added:

>

> > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> loose my anger about what

> > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> and hearing all your

> > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

first

> time I could really

> > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

those

> check lists switched

> > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> book, the switch goes

> > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

>

> What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

have

> noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

> to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

to

> lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

> invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

turned

> back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

>

> Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

our

> relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

> it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

> to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

enraged

> with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

> rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

>

> I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

and

> also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

and

> contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

> mother.

>

> Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

>

> XOXO

>

>

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

that's it! I realize that even though my husband isn't BP or NP or any

other P I often have a similar response to him if he gets irritated

about something. I will just shut down. this has gotten better after

nearly 25 years of relationship, but I know it frustrates him. Must be

a flea for me.

I have tried to be more communicative about things, but if I feel

threatened at all my first response is to want to shut down.

I often think of my mother as a steamroller who will roll right over

me to make a point. She is an emotional bully who has no room to hear

anyone else's perspective because being right is more important to her

to an extreme. She has been even willing to lose her relationship with

me rather than accept any accountability for the tatters it is in.

Mybe that is why if I am not shutting down with her I am screaming

with rage to be heard by a person so deaf to my feelings and concerns.

Wow. Piecing this together is interesting.

XOXO

> > > >

> > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > > problems with getting overly

> > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with

> getting

> > > angry

> > > > and staying angry,

> > > > > depending on the situation.

> > > >

> > > > and then she added:

> > > >

> > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at

> nada. If I

> > > > loose my anger about what

> > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered.

> Coming here

> > > > and hearing all your

> > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

> The

> > > first

> > > > time I could really

> > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

> of

> > > those

> > > > check lists switched

> > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put

> down the

> > > > book, the switch goes

> > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > > >

> > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to

> me. I

> > > have

> > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > > feelings

> > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

> going

> > > to

> > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > > totally

> > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always

> gets

> > > turned

> > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > > >

> > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

> with

> > > our

> > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I

> could so

> > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

> but

> > > when

> > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

> for

> > > how

> > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming

> totally

> > > enraged

> > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

> terror

> > > and

> > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > > >

> > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

> amygdala

> > > and

> > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

> MADDENING

> > > and

> > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when

> confronted by

> > > my

> > > > mother.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > > >

> > > > XOXO

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > > >

> > > > Bunny

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

that's it! I realize that even though my husband isn't BP or NP or any

other P I often have a similar response to him if he gets irritated

about something. I will just shut down. this has gotten better after

nearly 25 years of relationship, but I know it frustrates him. Must be

a flea for me.

I have tried to be more communicative about things, but if I feel

threatened at all my first response is to want to shut down.

I often think of my mother as a steamroller who will roll right over

me to make a point. She is an emotional bully who has no room to hear

anyone else's perspective because being right is more important to her

to an extreme. She has been even willing to lose her relationship with

me rather than accept any accountability for the tatters it is in.

Mybe that is why if I am not shutting down with her I am screaming

with rage to be heard by a person so deaf to my feelings and concerns.

Wow. Piecing this together is interesting.

XOXO

> > > >

> > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > > problems with getting overly

> > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with

> getting

> > > angry

> > > > and staying angry,

> > > > > depending on the situation.

> > > >

> > > > and then she added:

> > > >

> > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at

> nada. If I

> > > > loose my anger about what

> > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered.

> Coming here

> > > > and hearing all your

> > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

> The

> > > first

> > > > time I could really

> > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

> of

> > > those

> > > > check lists switched

> > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put

> down the

> > > > book, the switch goes

> > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > > >

> > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to

> me. I

> > > have

> > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > > feelings

> > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

> going

> > > to

> > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > > totally

> > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always

> gets

> > > turned

> > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > > >

> > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

> with

> > > our

> > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I

> could so

> > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

> but

> > > when

> > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

> for

> > > how

> > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming

> totally

> > > enraged

> > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

> terror

> > > and

> > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > > >

> > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

> amygdala

> > > and

> > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

> MADDENING

> > > and

> > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when

> confronted by

> > > my

> > > > mother.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > > >

> > > > XOXO

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > > >

> > > > Bunny

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

that's it! I realize that even though my husband isn't BP or NP or any

other P I often have a similar response to him if he gets irritated

about something. I will just shut down. this has gotten better after

nearly 25 years of relationship, but I know it frustrates him. Must be

a flea for me.

I have tried to be more communicative about things, but if I feel

threatened at all my first response is to want to shut down.

I often think of my mother as a steamroller who will roll right over

me to make a point. She is an emotional bully who has no room to hear

anyone else's perspective because being right is more important to her

to an extreme. She has been even willing to lose her relationship with

me rather than accept any accountability for the tatters it is in.

Mybe that is why if I am not shutting down with her I am screaming

with rage to be heard by a person so deaf to my feelings and concerns.

Wow. Piecing this together is interesting.

XOXO

> > > >

> > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > > problems with getting overly

> > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with

> getting

> > > angry

> > > > and staying angry,

> > > > > depending on the situation.

> > > >

> > > > and then she added:

> > > >

> > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at

> nada. If I

> > > > loose my anger about what

> > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered.

> Coming here

> > > > and hearing all your

> > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

> The

> > > first

> > > > time I could really

> > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

> of

> > > those

> > > > check lists switched

> > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put

> down the

> > > > book, the switch goes

> > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > > >

> > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to

> me. I

> > > have

> > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > > feelings

> > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

> going

> > > to

> > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > > totally

> > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always

> gets

> > > turned

> > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > > >

> > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

> with

> > > our

> > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I

> could so

> > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

> but

> > > when

> > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

> for

> > > how

> > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming

> totally

> > > enraged

> > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

> terror

> > > and

> > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > > >

> > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

> amygdala

> > > and

> > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

> MADDENING

> > > and

> > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when

> confronted by

> > > my

> > > > mother.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > > >

> > > > XOXO

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > > >

> > > > Bunny

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Just reading over some of the responses...

Yes, emotional paralysis is a good description. Yes, when they want

specifics - " When did I ever (insert thing they did here)? Give me

some examples! " And I can't think of any. It's more like, well, when

didn't you?

And yes, also to your responding in terror and with verbal abuse, and

then yes, that gives them more ammo. I know exactly, exactly, exactly

what you are saying.

I am going to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my idea, to

deal with fleas). Maybe it will help with this!!!

Tara

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If

I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just reading over some of the responses...

Yes, emotional paralysis is a good description. Yes, when they want

specifics - " When did I ever (insert thing they did here)? Give me

some examples! " And I can't think of any. It's more like, well, when

didn't you?

And yes, also to your responding in terror and with verbal abuse, and

then yes, that gives them more ammo. I know exactly, exactly, exactly

what you are saying.

I am going to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my idea, to

deal with fleas). Maybe it will help with this!!!

Tara

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If

I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just reading over some of the responses...

Yes, emotional paralysis is a good description. Yes, when they want

specifics - " When did I ever (insert thing they did here)? Give me

some examples! " And I can't think of any. It's more like, well, when

didn't you?

And yes, also to your responding in terror and with verbal abuse, and

then yes, that gives them more ammo. I know exactly, exactly, exactly

what you are saying.

I am going to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my idea, to

deal with fleas). Maybe it will help with this!!!

Tara

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If

I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes Tara!

If we pretend that things are okay maybe they will be! That is

probably one of the causes of the denial. We sublimate our healthy

emotional response because it will mean that things are utterly wrong

for us. It is a part of surviving.

Also our frequent invalidation by our BP parents gives us the message

that our feelings aren't really valid and that we should keep them to

ourselves.

I used to have the hardest time and still do occasionally just

figuring out what I wanted. I would consider everyone else before me.

XOXO

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes Tara!

If we pretend that things are okay maybe they will be! That is

probably one of the causes of the denial. We sublimate our healthy

emotional response because it will mean that things are utterly wrong

for us. It is a part of surviving.

Also our frequent invalidation by our BP parents gives us the message

that our feelings aren't really valid and that we should keep them to

ourselves.

I used to have the hardest time and still do occasionally just

figuring out what I wanted. I would consider everyone else before me.

XOXO

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes Tara!

If we pretend that things are okay maybe they will be! That is

probably one of the causes of the denial. We sublimate our healthy

emotional response because it will mean that things are utterly wrong

for us. It is a part of surviving.

Also our frequent invalidation by our BP parents gives us the message

that our feelings aren't really valid and that we should keep them to

ourselves.

I used to have the hardest time and still do occasionally just

figuring out what I wanted. I would consider everyone else before me.

XOXO

> >

> > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > problems with getting overly

> > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry

> > and staying angry,

> > > depending on the situation.

> >

> > and then she added:

> >

> > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I

> > loose my anger about what

> > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here

> > and hearing all your

> > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> first

> > time I could really

> > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> those

> > check lists switched

> > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > book, the switch goes

> > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> >

> > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> have

> > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings

> > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going

> to

> > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally

> > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> turned

> > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> >

> > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> our

> > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when

> > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how

> > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> enraged

> > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and

> > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> >

> > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> and

> > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> and

> > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my

> > mother.

> >

> > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> >

> > XOXO

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

> Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

>

> What are you doing...what are you plans.

>

LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she calls

you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you doing? "

Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on the

couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle of the

day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well, I'm

on the phone talking to you. "

Tara