Re: Headlights syndrome (was re:anger)

April 5, 2007

>

> Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

>

> What are you doing...what are you plans.

>

LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she calls

you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you doing? "

Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on the

couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle of the

day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well, I'm

on the phone talking to you. "

Tara

April 5, 2007

>

> Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

>

> What are you doing...what are you plans.

>

LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she calls

you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you doing? "

Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on the

couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle of the

day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well, I'm

on the phone talking to you. "

Tara

April 5, 2007

Exactly! When they ask for examples that we can most likely provide in

profusion to others we just come up blank.

Also I can almost predict how she will argue me down and invalidate my

perception if I do bring up examples. All she has to do is say I am

petty or uptight and I have " lost " . She will always resort to

attacking my personality or my character if she can think of nothing

better. Any argument at that point is pure defense so what is the

point? How can you effectively communicate with someone who just tells

you you are disgusting, uptight, petty, precious, selfish, naive,

weak, controlled by others, hateful, ineffectual, " insert putdown

here " . . .

At least with my husband we do not attack each other's character. We

simply make our case and explain why we disagree about something. It

is so refreshing to argue with someone who is willing to try to

understand my perspective and meet me somewhere in between in most things!

XOXO

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If

> I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

> here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

> going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but

> when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for

> how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror

> and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by

> my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> >

>

April 5, 2007

I call this behavior " mining " . Always mining for details to be used

later in the converstaion. I have learned to always answer by saying

how busy I am. Then she can't start planning my time. this really

pisses her off sometimes because she claims I have no time for her. I

guess I don't have much time for someone who has so little respect or

regard for me as a person in my own right and for my marriage and family.

> >

> > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> >

> > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> >

> LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she calls

> you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you doing? "

> Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on the

> couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle of the

> day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well, I'm

> on the phone talking to you. "

>

> Tara

>

April 5, 2007

My nada never asks me what I am doing. And I didn't have any of the

conversation problems described on this thread - cause my nada is

not one for asking people about anything. Instead, she just says

whatever is on her mind, and then zones out on anything that other

people might be saying to her. It is actually funny to watch,

because after she is finished with her pronouncements, she looks

very very proud of herself. (I wish I had that skill to be able to

zone out on her.)

But as I am reading these experiences, I am wondering if this

constant asking of what you are doing is some of the enmeshment.

Does she want to know what you are doing in order to (in her mind)

maintain her enmeshed connection with you? Just a thought - and I

know it doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

Sylvia

> >

> > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> >

> > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> >

> LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she

calls

> you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you

doing? "

> Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on

the

> couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle

of the

> day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well,

I'm

> on the phone talking to you. "

>

> Tara

>

April 5, 2007

My nada never asks me what I am doing. And I didn't have any of the

conversation problems described on this thread - cause my nada is

not one for asking people about anything. Instead, she just says

whatever is on her mind, and then zones out on anything that other

people might be saying to her. It is actually funny to watch,

because after she is finished with her pronouncements, she looks

very very proud of herself. (I wish I had that skill to be able to

zone out on her.)

But as I am reading these experiences, I am wondering if this

constant asking of what you are doing is some of the enmeshment.

Does she want to know what you are doing in order to (in her mind)

maintain her enmeshed connection with you? Just a thought - and I

know it doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

Sylvia

> >

> > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> >

> > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> >

> LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she

calls

> you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you

doing? "

> Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on

the

> couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle

of the

> day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well,

I'm

> on the phone talking to you. "

>

> Tara

>

April 5, 2007

My nada never asks me what I am doing. And I didn't have any of the

conversation problems described on this thread - cause my nada is

not one for asking people about anything. Instead, she just says

whatever is on her mind, and then zones out on anything that other

people might be saying to her. It is actually funny to watch,

because after she is finished with her pronouncements, she looks

very very proud of herself. (I wish I had that skill to be able to

zone out on her.)

But as I am reading these experiences, I am wondering if this

constant asking of what you are doing is some of the enmeshment.

Does she want to know what you are doing in order to (in her mind)

maintain her enmeshed connection with you? Just a thought - and I

know it doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

Sylvia

> >

> > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> >

> > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> >

> LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she

calls

> you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you

doing? "

> Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on

the

> couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle

of the

> day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well,

I'm

> on the phone talking to you. "

>

> Tara

>

April 5, 2007

Hmmm... You probably have a point with the enmeshment thing.

Tara

> > >

> > > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> > >

> > > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> > >

> > LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she

> calls

> > you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you

> doing? "

> > Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on

> the

> > couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle

> of the

> > day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes

responded, " Well,

> I'm

> > on the phone talking to you. "

> >

> > Tara

> >

>

April 5, 2007

Hmmm... You probably have a point with the enmeshment thing.

Tara

> > >

> > > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> > >

> > > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> > >

> > LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she

> calls

> > you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you

> doing? "

> > Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on

> the

> > couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle

> of the

> > day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes

responded, " Well,

> I'm

> > on the phone talking to you. "

> >

> > Tara

> >

>

April 5, 2007

Hmmm... You probably have a point with the enmeshment thing.

Tara

> > >

> > > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> > >

> > > What are you doing...what are you plans.

> > >

> > LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she

> calls

> > you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you

> doing? "

> > Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on

> the

> > couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle

> of the

> > day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes

responded, " Well,

> I'm

> > on the phone talking to you. "

> >

> > Tara

> >

>

April 6, 2007

,

I think I get what you mean now.

When my mom was alive, the same thing would happen and I would lose

all sense of rationale because all I could do at the time was react

to her instead of taking any sort of action. This would come in the

form of severe emotional outbursts- crying hysterically or yelling

uncontrollably.

If this is what you mean, when she was alive, I didn't have the tools

I do now, but now when I am faced with a situation where I see myself

getting out of control emotionally, I step away from the situation.

If it's a phone conversation, I hang up, if its in person, I walk

away until I can calm down and think rationally again. Just stopping

and walking away has worked wonders- I have to get in a place where I

can calm down and be clear.

I hope this helps, if not I'll keep trying.

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> > angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

but

> > when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> > how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> > and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> > my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > >

> > > Bunny

> > >

April 6, 2007

,

I think I get what you mean now.

When my mom was alive, the same thing would happen and I would lose

all sense of rationale because all I could do at the time was react

to her instead of taking any sort of action. This would come in the

form of severe emotional outbursts- crying hysterically or yelling

uncontrollably.

If this is what you mean, when she was alive, I didn't have the tools

I do now, but now when I am faced with a situation where I see myself

getting out of control emotionally, I step away from the situation.

If it's a phone conversation, I hang up, if its in person, I walk

away until I can calm down and think rationally again. Just stopping

and walking away has worked wonders- I have to get in a place where I

can calm down and be clear.

I hope this helps, if not I'll keep trying.

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> > angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

but

> > when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> > how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> > and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> > my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > >

> > > Bunny

> > >

April 6, 2007

and ,

I have been the same way for so many years, it has really been work for me to

learn to control my anger. I do the same thing , I walk away or hang up.

It is funny, my mother now uses the hang up tool. If she is getting angry she

will say " I'm going to hang up. " I really have to laugh about that. She hasn't

done it with me yet, but she does it with my sister who she says has no time for

her.

Janie

mitchell_kristin wrote:

,

I think I get what you mean now.

When my mom was alive, the same thing would happen and I would lose

all sense of rationale because all I could do at the time was react

to her instead of taking any sort of action. This would come in the

form of severe emotional outbursts- crying hysterically or yelling

uncontrollably.

If this is what you mean, when she was alive, I didn't have the tools

I do now, but now when I am faced with a situation where I see myself

getting out of control emotionally, I step away from the situation.

If it's a phone conversation, I hang up, if its in person, I walk

away until I can calm down and think rationally again. Just stopping

and walking away has worked wonders- I have to get in a place where I

can calm down and be clear.

I hope this helps, if not I'll keep trying.

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> > angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

but

> > when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> > how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> > and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> > my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > >

> > > Bunny

> > >

April 6, 2007

and ,

I have been the same way for so many years, it has really been work for me to

learn to control my anger. I do the same thing , I walk away or hang up.

It is funny, my mother now uses the hang up tool. If she is getting angry she

will say " I'm going to hang up. " I really have to laugh about that. She hasn't

done it with me yet, but she does it with my sister who she says has no time for

her.

Janie

mitchell_kristin wrote:

,

I think I get what you mean now.

When my mom was alive, the same thing would happen and I would lose

all sense of rationale because all I could do at the time was react

to her instead of taking any sort of action. This would come in the

form of severe emotional outbursts- crying hysterically or yelling

uncontrollably.

If this is what you mean, when she was alive, I didn't have the tools

I do now, but now when I am faced with a situation where I see myself

getting out of control emotionally, I step away from the situation.

If it's a phone conversation, I hang up, if its in person, I walk

away until I can calm down and think rationally again. Just stopping

and walking away has worked wonders- I have to get in a place where I

can calm down and be clear.

I hope this helps, if not I'll keep trying.

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> > angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

but

> > when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> > how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> > and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> > my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > >

> > > Bunny

> > >

April 6, 2007

and ,

I have been the same way for so many years, it has really been work for me to

learn to control my anger. I do the same thing , I walk away or hang up.

It is funny, my mother now uses the hang up tool. If she is getting angry she

will say " I'm going to hang up. " I really have to laugh about that. She hasn't

done it with me yet, but she does it with my sister who she says has no time for

her.

Janie

mitchell_kristin wrote:

,

I think I get what you mean now.

When my mom was alive, the same thing would happen and I would lose

all sense of rationale because all I could do at the time was react

to her instead of taking any sort of action. This would come in the

form of severe emotional outbursts- crying hysterically or yelling

uncontrollably.

If this is what you mean, when she was alive, I didn't have the tools

I do now, but now when I am faced with a situation where I see myself

getting out of control emotionally, I step away from the situation.

If it's a phone conversation, I hang up, if its in person, I walk

away until I can calm down and think rationally again. Just stopping

and walking away has worked wonders- I have to get in a place where I

can calm down and be clear.

I hope this helps, if not I'll keep trying.

> > >

> > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have

> > > problems with getting overly

> > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting

> > angry

> > > and staying angry,

> > > > depending on the situation.

> > >

> > > and then she added:

> > >

> > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada.

If I

> > > loose my anger about what

> > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming

here

> > > and hearing all your

> > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now.

The

> > first

> > > time I could really

> > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One

of

> > those

> > > check lists switched

> > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down

the

> > > book, the switch goes

> > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry.

> > >

> > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me.

I

> > have

> > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my

> > feelings

> > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really

going

> > to

> > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is

> > totally

> > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets

> > turned

> > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to

> > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions.

> > >

> > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy

with

> > our

> > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could

so

> > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others,

but

> > when

> > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the

> > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " )

> > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking

for

> > how

> > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally

> > enraged

> > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my

terror

> > and

> > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo.

> > >

> > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the

amygdala

> > and

> > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the

> > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is

MADDENING

> > and

> > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted

by

> > my

> > > mother.

> > >

> > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon?

> > >

> > > XOXO

> > >

> > > Kisses and Nibbles,

> > >

> > > Bunny

> > >

April 6, 2007

>Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

>What are you doing...what are you plans.

>She also wants details...omg..it is so intense.

this is so opposite from my nada...my nada is so uninterested in me, that

she never ever asks these questions...if I even start to tell her anything

that I've been doing in the past year ( I hardly ever speak to her, as she's

never interested in anything I do) I can get 2-3 words out, and she

interrupts me and changes the subject, or she'll just get up and walk

away...

Jackie

April 6, 2007

Jackie,

My mother isn't interested in anything I do or have to do either. All she is

interested in is herself, my daughter and especially my oldest grandson, she is

somewhat interested in the younger grandson, as tomorrow is his birthday, and

she doesn't know how she is going to take him shopping for his birthday. He

wants hip-hop clothes, and my nephew who he is living with wants him out of

those clothes, and also he can't be with my mother alone. So I don't know how

this is going to work.

My mother even though it is my daughter and grandson, can't understand how my

sister and I don't want people who are ruining and wasting their lives

controling ours. I am going to have to put my foot down, we have gone the last

3 Sundays, and again tomorrow to visit my grandson in prison. I am expected to

pick his girlfriend and son up, then go get my mother, then sit for 2 hrs. with

nothing to do. It is getting old fast, I don't have time for anything for me.

I AM GOING TO HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!!!!

Janie

sleddog wrote:

>Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

>What are you doing...what are you plans.

>She also wants details...omg..it is so intense.

this is so opposite from my nada...my nada is so uninterested in me, that

she never ever asks these questions...if I even start to tell her anything

that I've been doing in the past year ( I hardly ever speak to her, as she's

never interested in anything I do) I can get 2-3 words out, and she

interrupts me and changes the subject, or she'll just get up and walk

away...

Jackie

April 6, 2007

What I was talking about is not actually genuine interest in me, it is

her interest in how I can be of service to her. When she asks me what I

am doing or what my plans are it usually means that she is wondering

what I can do for her or she is looking for something to identify as a

problem in my life. When I would talk about my own life, which was

infrequent, the conversation always turned into her " thing " . At best

her interest in my life would often be in relation to some sort of

problem--like having too many things on my plate (the underlying

message being therefore I don't have enough time for her).

i don't even think this was a totally conscious tactic on her part.

Just part of her percieved need to get her needs met by any means

necessary. If I confronted her about this she would deny it vehemently

and in fact tells everone including me that I am her primary concern. A

lot of people hear that and believe her, but that is not the message

that comes across in our interactions. In fact i don't believe I should

be her primary concern. I have been an adult for 20 plus years and

doing well (with the exception of my relationship with her). My

children are happy and healthy and involved in school and friends.

There is really very little for her to worry about with us except for

what she creates.

Tara wrote of the enmeshment factor with this behavior and I think that

factors in mightily. She has a great need for total enmeshment with my

children and me. My husband is perceived as an outsider and she speaks

of him this way. If she is denied that enmeshment through clear

boundary setting she gets really upset and that is when she strikes out

the most. In fact if you even say the word " boundary " in her presence

she goes off on a tirade about " unhealthy American nuclear family

bullsh*t destroying elders and blaming the mother for all the

problems. . etc. etc. "

XOXO

>

> >Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that.

> >What are you doing...what are you plans.

> >She also wants details...omg..it is so intense.

>

> this is so opposite from my nada...my nada is so uninterested in me,

that

> she never ever asks these questions...if I even start to tell her

anything

> that I've been doing in the past year ( I hardly ever speak to her,

as she's

> never interested in anything I do) I can get 2-3 words out, and she

> interrupts me and changes the subject, or she'll just get up and walk

> away...

>

> Jackie

>

April 6, 2007

That is exactly what my mother does!!!!

Janie

michelle wrote: