Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 I'm not sure how to explain my " headlights " experience. I do experience this quite a bit, but in various ways. Most of the time my " headlights " experience comes in the form of distraction. When we get to the point where we are at blows and she starts to get angry and goes off, her " argument " is all over the place....she throws things in my face that aren't just irrelevant...most of the time it is total fabrication. I wish I had a court reporter so I can say ok...first off all...that first thing..it never happened..the second thing...that's not how it happened...the third thing...i did that was i was 5.....and the fourth thing...well that didn't even make any sense! After about an hour of fighting, we finally get to the point of why she's REALLY mad and by that time I'm exhausted and just throw my hands up and say " whatever " . The other thing that causes that " headlight " effect is after I realize that despite me telling her something 25 times she still hasn't heard a word I have said. I get to a point where I get frustrated because I don't know how ELSE to explain what I am saying....but it's not what I'm saying...the problem is she hears " blah, blah, blah, blah " . Our last argument was over a turkey baster...she came to my house and asked me if we had " one of those things " ....apparently it was this big huge emergency because my father demanded that she return with one....after 10 minutes of Thanksgiving charades I finally figured out what she wanted...but I made the mistake of asking her WHY she wanted it. That is where she blew up and started screaming at me. I calmly explained that I only had ONE turkey baster and I was using it. She stood out on my porch and screamed " Don't you tell me that you weren't home because how else could you have found your Christmas presents? " I just stood there, totally at a loss for words....ummmm...what? Who said I wasn't home? I found my Christmas presents when I was 5! (Why was I home alone at that age??) What does that have to do with the turkey baster? My husband followed her over to give her the darned turkey baster (which I would have never done and told him it was a bad idea...she was gone...let sleeping dogs lie) and there laid my dad...asleep in the easy chair (so much for HIM wanting it)....he handed her the baster to which she replied snottily " is this how you loan things out? you couldn't take the time to clean it first? " She went into the kitchen, put the baster in the dishwasher (didn't run it...just put it in there) and returned back to her computer to play her solitaire game. What can you do? What can you say? All you can do is stand there....speechless. I've also learned that asking them to explain what happened over a large family gathering is a really, really bad idea! michelle wrote: I am reposting some of this message, but I really wanted to hear from some of you about this and I thought my posting might have gotten lost in the shuffle. A few days ago Melany wrote: > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have problems with getting overly > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry and staying angry, > depending on the situation. and then she added: > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I loose my anger about what > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here and hearing all your > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first time I could really > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those check lists switched > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the book, the switch goes > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my mother. Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? XOXO Kisses and Nibbles, Bunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Bunny, Yes, yes, yes!! By the time they get to the point, we are completely exhausted. When I was a teenager I would wake up on a Sat. morning. and this happened all the time. First question out of mom's mouth- what are you doing tonight? I don't know mom, I just woke up, I'll tell you when I know. 10 minutes later- what are you doing tonight? Gee mom, I still don't know, I'll be sure to tell you when I do. Another 10 minutes later, here we go again. This would go on until I would get so frustrated and scream at the top of my lungs- I don't know what the F*** I'm doing tonight!!! Then she would say, I only asked you a simple question, why are you so upset!! UGH!! > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > problems with getting overly > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > and staying angry, > > depending on the situation. > > and then she added: > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > loose my anger about what > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > and hearing all your > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first > time I could really > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those > check lists switched > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > book, the switch goes > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > mother. > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > Bunny > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Bunny, Yes, yes, yes!! By the time they get to the point, we are completely exhausted. When I was a teenager I would wake up on a Sat. morning. and this happened all the time. First question out of mom's mouth- what are you doing tonight? I don't know mom, I just woke up, I'll tell you when I know. 10 minutes later- what are you doing tonight? Gee mom, I still don't know, I'll be sure to tell you when I do. Another 10 minutes later, here we go again. This would go on until I would get so frustrated and scream at the top of my lungs- I don't know what the F*** I'm doing tonight!!! Then she would say, I only asked you a simple question, why are you so upset!! UGH!! > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > problems with getting overly > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > and staying angry, > > depending on the situation. > > and then she added: > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > loose my anger about what > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > and hearing all your > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first > time I could really > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those > check lists switched > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > book, the switch goes > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > mother. > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > Bunny > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Bunny, Yes, yes, yes!! By the time they get to the point, we are completely exhausted. When I was a teenager I would wake up on a Sat. morning. and this happened all the time. First question out of mom's mouth- what are you doing tonight? I don't know mom, I just woke up, I'll tell you when I know. 10 minutes later- what are you doing tonight? Gee mom, I still don't know, I'll be sure to tell you when I do. Another 10 minutes later, here we go again. This would go on until I would get so frustrated and scream at the top of my lungs- I don't know what the F*** I'm doing tonight!!! Then she would say, I only asked you a simple question, why are you so upset!! UGH!! > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > problems with getting overly > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > and staying angry, > > depending on the situation. > > and then she added: > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > loose my anger about what > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > and hearing all your > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first > time I could really > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those > check lists switched > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > book, the switch goes > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > mother. > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > Bunny > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 and Bunny, I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of thing, but this is not really what I was getting at. I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this but it continues to be a problem. It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I can't access my rational self. Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more about this perhaps. . . > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 and Bunny, I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of thing, but this is not really what I was getting at. I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this but it continues to be a problem. It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I can't access my rational self. Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more about this perhaps. . . > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 and Bunny, I understand what you are saying and I have experienced this type of thing, but this is not really what I was getting at. I am talking about more of an emotional paralysis thing where my range of emotion is somehow highjacked and I can only feel terror or rage. I lose my ability to effectively respond. I have gotten better at this but it continues to be a problem. It is like if she asks me what the problem is I just shut down and I can't access my rational self. Maybe i am not explaining this well. I need to think a little more about this perhaps. . . > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that. What are you doing...what are you plans. She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and what was my problem. It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy. Malinda > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yep....old habits die hard i guess because my brother just called me saying " we have to do something about mom " ...She asked him if he was drunk...he said no...she said yes you are..admit it, you're drunk...my brother responded...no ma...i'm not drunk...she replied yes you are, I can tell, I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid you are drunk i can see it in your eyes, you can't even have a decent conversation! you're drunk...no i'm not...yes you are, admit it...no, i'm not...it went on and on and on. Finally he screamed " FINE! I'm drunk...NOW will you leave me alone? " You know, when he made his call to me I thought, ya know...i'm glad i know what he's talking about because to the ear of those who grew up in a house with some normalcy, it almost sounds like he was asking me to kill her. I want to pull my hair out some days. maparise17 wrote: Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that. What are you doing...what are you plans. She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and what was my problem. It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy. Malinda > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yep....old habits die hard i guess because my brother just called me saying " we have to do something about mom " ...She asked him if he was drunk...he said no...she said yes you are..admit it, you're drunk...my brother responded...no ma...i'm not drunk...she replied yes you are, I can tell, I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid you are drunk i can see it in your eyes, you can't even have a decent conversation! you're drunk...no i'm not...yes you are, admit it...no, i'm not...it went on and on and on. Finally he screamed " FINE! I'm drunk...NOW will you leave me alone? " You know, when he made his call to me I thought, ya know...i'm glad i know what he's talking about because to the ear of those who grew up in a house with some normalcy, it almost sounds like he was asking me to kill her. I want to pull my hair out some days. maparise17 wrote: Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that. What are you doing...what are you plans. She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and what was my problem. It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy. Malinda > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yep....old habits die hard i guess because my brother just called me saying " we have to do something about mom " ...She asked him if he was drunk...he said no...she said yes you are..admit it, you're drunk...my brother responded...no ma...i'm not drunk...she replied yes you are, I can tell, I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid you are drunk i can see it in your eyes, you can't even have a decent conversation! you're drunk...no i'm not...yes you are, admit it...no, i'm not...it went on and on and on. Finally he screamed " FINE! I'm drunk...NOW will you leave me alone? " You know, when he made his call to me I thought, ya know...i'm glad i know what he's talking about because to the ear of those who grew up in a house with some normalcy, it almost sounds like he was asking me to kill her. I want to pull my hair out some days. maparise17 wrote: Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that. What are you doing...what are you plans. She also wants details...omg..it is so intense. Yes, I just want to say STOP. I hate it and if I would get upset, she would always somehow justify it by saying she was only asking a question, and what was my problem. It is exhausting....even what should be the simple stuff gets crazy. Malinda > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > Bunny > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Michele, I know exactly what you are saying. Not so much with my nada, anymore, but my NP husband. It is usually if I ask him something, he won't really answer it, and he immediately throws it back to me. I can't even think straight. I get angry because he won't be accountable and then I feel like I can't think to respond to him clearly. Or he will just start questioning me about what I think the problem is and he wants me to site specfic things. I feel like I just can't respond to him. I do feel like I have an emotional paralysis..great way to put it. Thanks for sharing your insight, that really helped me. Malinda > > > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > > problems with getting overly > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting > > angry > > > and staying angry, > > > > depending on the situation. > > > > > > and then she added: > > > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > > loose my anger about what > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > > and hearing all your > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > > first > > > time I could really > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > > those > > > check lists switched > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > > book, the switch goes > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > > have > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > > feelings > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > > to > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > > totally > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > > turned > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > > our > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but > > when > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for > > how > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > > enraged > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror > > and > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > > and > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > > and > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by > > my > > > mother. > > > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > > > Bunny > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 , I haven't read the other replies yet, but in response to your question about whether any of us have experienced this same thing, all I can say is YES. Word for word. I could have written the EXACT same thing. Forgiveness is healthy, but the forgetting part - where you said you could be hoovered back in easily - I often have wondered in my case whether this might be because it was what we needed to do to survive when we lived in their homes. We had to get by, so we had to forget about the craziness until the next time it reared its ugly head. Plus, there were good times in between. It was all so confusing that it was easier to forget about it in between. Tara > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > problems with getting overly > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > and staying angry, > > depending on the situation. > > and then she added: > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > loose my anger about what > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > and hearing all your > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first > time I could really > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those > check lists switched > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > book, the switch goes > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > mother. > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > XOXO > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 , I haven't read the other replies yet, but in response to your question about whether any of us have experienced this same thing, all I can say is YES. Word for word. I could have written the EXACT same thing. Forgiveness is healthy, but the forgetting part - where you said you could be hoovered back in easily - I often have wondered in my case whether this might be because it was what we needed to do to survive when we lived in their homes. We had to get by, so we had to forget about the craziness until the next time it reared its ugly head. Plus, there were good times in between. It was all so confusing that it was easier to forget about it in between. Tara > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > problems with getting overly > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > and staying angry, > > depending on the situation. > > and then she added: > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > loose my anger about what > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > and hearing all your > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first > time I could really > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those > check lists switched > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > book, the switch goes > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > mother. > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > XOXO > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 , I haven't read the other replies yet, but in response to your question about whether any of us have experienced this same thing, all I can say is YES. Word for word. I could have written the EXACT same thing. Forgiveness is healthy, but the forgetting part - where you said you could be hoovered back in easily - I often have wondered in my case whether this might be because it was what we needed to do to survive when we lived in their homes. We had to get by, so we had to forget about the craziness until the next time it reared its ugly head. Plus, there were good times in between. It was all so confusing that it was easier to forget about it in between. Tara > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > problems with getting overly > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > and staying angry, > > depending on the situation. > > and then she added: > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > loose my anger about what > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > and hearing all your > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The first > time I could really > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of those > check lists switched > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > book, the switch goes > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I have > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going to > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets turned > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with our > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally enraged > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala and > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING and > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > mother. > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > XOXO > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Malinda, that's it! I realize that even though my husband isn't BP or NP or any other P I often have a similar response to him if he gets irritated about something. I will just shut down. this has gotten better after nearly 25 years of relationship, but I know it frustrates him. Must be a flea for me. I have tried to be more communicative about things, but if I feel threatened at all my first response is to want to shut down. I often think of my mother as a steamroller who will roll right over me to make a point. She is an emotional bully who has no room to hear anyone else's perspective because being right is more important to her to an extreme. She has been even willing to lose her relationship with me rather than accept any accountability for the tatters it is in. Mybe that is why if I am not shutting down with her I am screaming with rage to be heard by a person so deaf to my feelings and concerns. Wow. Piecing this together is interesting. XOXO > > > > > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > > > problems with getting overly > > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with > getting > > > angry > > > > and staying angry, > > > > > depending on the situation. > > > > > > > > and then she added: > > > > > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at > nada. If I > > > > loose my anger about what > > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. > Coming here > > > > and hearing all your > > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. > The > > > first > > > > time I could really > > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One > of > > > those > > > > check lists switched > > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put > down the > > > > book, the switch goes > > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to > me. I > > > have > > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > > > feelings > > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really > going > > > to > > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > > > totally > > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always > gets > > > turned > > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy > with > > > our > > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I > could so > > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, > but > > > when > > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking > for > > > how > > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming > totally > > > enraged > > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my > terror > > > and > > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the > amygdala > > > and > > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is > MADDENING > > > and > > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when > confronted by > > > my > > > > mother. > > > > > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > > > > > Bunny > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Malinda, that's it! I realize that even though my husband isn't BP or NP or any other P I often have a similar response to him if he gets irritated about something. I will just shut down. this has gotten better after nearly 25 years of relationship, but I know it frustrates him. Must be a flea for me. I have tried to be more communicative about things, but if I feel threatened at all my first response is to want to shut down. I often think of my mother as a steamroller who will roll right over me to make a point. She is an emotional bully who has no room to hear anyone else's perspective because being right is more important to her to an extreme. She has been even willing to lose her relationship with me rather than accept any accountability for the tatters it is in. Mybe that is why if I am not shutting down with her I am screaming with rage to be heard by a person so deaf to my feelings and concerns. Wow. Piecing this together is interesting. XOXO > > > > > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > > > problems with getting overly > > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with > getting > > > angry > > > > and staying angry, > > > > > depending on the situation. > > > > > > > > and then she added: > > > > > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at > nada. If I > > > > loose my anger about what > > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. > Coming here > > > > and hearing all your > > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. > The > > > first > > > > time I could really > > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One > of > > > those > > > > check lists switched > > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put > down the > > > > book, the switch goes > > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to > me. I > > > have > > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > > > feelings > > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really > going > > > to > > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > > > totally > > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always > gets > > > turned > > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy > with > > > our > > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I > could so > > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, > but > > > when > > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking > for > > > how > > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming > totally > > > enraged > > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my > terror > > > and > > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the > amygdala > > > and > > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is > MADDENING > > > and > > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when > confronted by > > > my > > > > mother. > > > > > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > > > > > Bunny > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Malinda, that's it! I realize that even though my husband isn't BP or NP or any other P I often have a similar response to him if he gets irritated about something. I will just shut down. this has gotten better after nearly 25 years of relationship, but I know it frustrates him. Must be a flea for me. I have tried to be more communicative about things, but if I feel threatened at all my first response is to want to shut down. I often think of my mother as a steamroller who will roll right over me to make a point. She is an emotional bully who has no room to hear anyone else's perspective because being right is more important to her to an extreme. She has been even willing to lose her relationship with me rather than accept any accountability for the tatters it is in. Mybe that is why if I am not shutting down with her I am screaming with rage to be heard by a person so deaf to my feelings and concerns. Wow. Piecing this together is interesting. XOXO > > > > > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > > > problems with getting overly > > > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with > getting > > > angry > > > > and staying angry, > > > > > depending on the situation. > > > > > > > > and then she added: > > > > > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at > nada. If I > > > > loose my anger about what > > > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. > Coming here > > > > and hearing all your > > > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. > The > > > first > > > > time I could really > > > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One > of > > > those > > > > check lists switched > > > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put > down the > > > > book, the switch goes > > > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to > me. I > > > have > > > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my > > > feelings > > > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really > going > > > to > > > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is > > > totally > > > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always > gets > > > turned > > > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy > with > > > our > > > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I > could so > > > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, > but > > > when > > > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking > for > > > how > > > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming > totally > > > enraged > > > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my > terror > > > and > > > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the > amygdala > > > and > > > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is > MADDENING > > > and > > > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when > confronted by > > > my > > > > mother. > > > > > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > > > > > XOXO > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > > > > > > > Bunny > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Just reading over some of the responses... Yes, emotional paralysis is a good description. Yes, when they want specifics - " When did I ever (insert thing they did here)? Give me some examples! " And I can't think of any. It's more like, well, when didn't you? And yes, also to your responding in terror and with verbal abuse, and then yes, that gives them more ammo. I know exactly, exactly, exactly what you are saying. I am going to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my idea, to deal with fleas). Maybe it will help with this!!! Tara > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Just reading over some of the responses... Yes, emotional paralysis is a good description. Yes, when they want specifics - " When did I ever (insert thing they did here)? Give me some examples! " And I can't think of any. It's more like, well, when didn't you? And yes, also to your responding in terror and with verbal abuse, and then yes, that gives them more ammo. I know exactly, exactly, exactly what you are saying. I am going to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my idea, to deal with fleas). Maybe it will help with this!!! Tara > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Just reading over some of the responses... Yes, emotional paralysis is a good description. Yes, when they want specifics - " When did I ever (insert thing they did here)? Give me some examples! " And I can't think of any. It's more like, well, when didn't you? And yes, also to your responding in terror and with verbal abuse, and then yes, that gives them more ammo. I know exactly, exactly, exactly what you are saying. I am going to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my idea, to deal with fleas). Maybe it will help with this!!! Tara > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yes Tara! If we pretend that things are okay maybe they will be! That is probably one of the causes of the denial. We sublimate our healthy emotional response because it will mean that things are utterly wrong for us. It is a part of surviving. Also our frequent invalidation by our BP parents gives us the message that our feelings aren't really valid and that we should keep them to ourselves. I used to have the hardest time and still do occasionally just figuring out what I wanted. I would consider everyone else before me. XOXO > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yes Tara! If we pretend that things are okay maybe they will be! That is probably one of the causes of the denial. We sublimate our healthy emotional response because it will mean that things are utterly wrong for us. It is a part of surviving. Also our frequent invalidation by our BP parents gives us the message that our feelings aren't really valid and that we should keep them to ourselves. I used to have the hardest time and still do occasionally just figuring out what I wanted. I would consider everyone else before me. XOXO > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Yes Tara! If we pretend that things are okay maybe they will be! That is probably one of the causes of the denial. We sublimate our healthy emotional response because it will mean that things are utterly wrong for us. It is a part of surviving. Also our frequent invalidation by our BP parents gives us the message that our feelings aren't really valid and that we should keep them to ourselves. I used to have the hardest time and still do occasionally just figuring out what I wanted. I would consider everyone else before me. XOXO > > > > > Anger is a problem for me, in more than one way. I both have > > problems with getting overly > > > angry and inappropriately angry, and conversely with getting angry > > and staying angry, > > > depending on the situation. > > > > and then she added: > > > > > On the other side, it is so hard for me to stay mad at nada. If I > > loose my anger about what > > > she's done, at this point I could easily be hoovered. Coming here > > and hearing all your > > > stories reminds me again and again why I chose LC for now. The > first > > time I could really > > > get angry was when I read the first 2 chapters of SABP. One of > those > > check lists switched > > > some kind of, well switch in me. Problem is, when I put down the > > book, the switch goes > > > off. So I tried reading it again, and again I got angry. > > > > What she wrote about the " switch " is really interesting to me. I > have > > noticed that I have a really difficult time articulating my feelings > > to my nada. I know now that talking with her is never really going > to > > lead to any kind of light bulb moment for her in fact she is totally > > invalidating and defensive. What ever is happening always gets > turned > > back onto me or my husband and she has many berating ways to > > illustrate why I am completely wrong in my perceptions. > > > > Before I was NC if she confronted me about why I was unhappy with > our > > relationship I had a very difficult time articulating. I could so > > sanely and clearly relate my feelings and events to others, but when > > it came to talking with nada I just felt like a rabbit in the > > headlights. (thus " headlight syndrome " ) > > The alternative is that if I wasn't stumbling around looking for how > > to express myself or define the problem I was becoming totally > enraged > > with her and even sometimes verbally abusive to her in my terror and > > rage. This of course just gave her more ammo. > > > > I am familiar with some current brain research about the amygdala > and > > also fight or flight responses so I do understand some of the > > physiological and emotional reasons for this, but it is MADDENING > and > > contributes to an inability to validate myself when confronted by my > > mother. > > > > Anyone else experience this " headlight " phenomenon? > > > > XOXO > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 > > > Yes....Yes and yes again. My nada still will do that. > > What are you doing...what are you plans. > LOL this reminds me of an annoying thing my mom does where she calls you up and the first thing out of her mouth is " What are you doing? " Minor, I know, but annoying. I mean, so what if I was sitting on the couch picking my toe lint? Don't just call someone in the middle of the day and ask them what they're doing! I sometimes responded, " Well, I'm on the phone talking to you. " Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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