Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 If depression is just a reaction to something and not an imbalance in the brain, what happens when that "something" can't be changed and I have no control over it? What happens when that "something" is the loss of what gave my life meaning and purpose, a loss that happened because of the way I ruined my life when I was on Celexa and going through months of cold turkey withdrawal? If you are really a writer, you have many more tales to tell besides the one you lost. No writer is defined by just one work. The withdrawals from these drugs can last a long time -- as in years -- say, 18 months to two years sometimes -- so what you are feeling is a combination of the drug's effects, grief over what you lost, and the sense of hopelessness you feel. That despair will be ameliorated when you sit down and start writing again. I know how you feel -- I had a co-author once and during my Paxil debacle we had a falling out and the book we wrote together was forever tied up in a legal dispute over ownership, as I had stupidly signed away 50% of the project to this person who then wouldn't let me edit one word of it, so the book got shelved, and I had to sit down and write another one -- Blind Reason, which in the end was the best thing I ever did and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment to know I did it all on my own. So get with it and start writing. Success is the best revenge. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 If depression is just a reaction to something and not an imbalance in the brain, what happens when that "something" can't be changed and I have no control over it? What happens when that "something" is the loss of what gave my life meaning and purpose, a loss that happened because of the way I ruined my life when I was on Celexa and going through months of cold turkey withdrawal? If you are really a writer, you have many more tales to tell besides the one you lost. No writer is defined by just one work. The withdrawals from these drugs can last a long time -- as in years -- say, 18 months to two years sometimes -- so what you are feeling is a combination of the drug's effects, grief over what you lost, and the sense of hopelessness you feel. That despair will be ameliorated when you sit down and start writing again. I know how you feel -- I had a co-author once and during my Paxil debacle we had a falling out and the book we wrote together was forever tied up in a legal dispute over ownership, as I had stupidly signed away 50% of the project to this person who then wouldn't let me edit one word of it, so the book got shelved, and I had to sit down and write another one -- Blind Reason, which in the end was the best thing I ever did and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment to know I did it all on my own. So get with it and start writing. Success is the best revenge. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 If depression is just a reaction to something and not an imbalance in the brain, what happens when that "something" can't be changed and I have no control over it? What happens when that "something" is the loss of what gave my life meaning and purpose, a loss that happened because of the way I ruined my life when I was on Celexa and going through months of cold turkey withdrawal? If you are really a writer, you have many more tales to tell besides the one you lost. No writer is defined by just one work. The withdrawals from these drugs can last a long time -- as in years -- say, 18 months to two years sometimes -- so what you are feeling is a combination of the drug's effects, grief over what you lost, and the sense of hopelessness you feel. That despair will be ameliorated when you sit down and start writing again. I know how you feel -- I had a co-author once and during my Paxil debacle we had a falling out and the book we wrote together was forever tied up in a legal dispute over ownership, as I had stupidly signed away 50% of the project to this person who then wouldn't let me edit one word of it, so the book got shelved, and I had to sit down and write another one -- Blind Reason, which in the end was the best thing I ever did and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment to know I did it all on my own. So get with it and start writing. Success is the best revenge. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 Dear Aynslie, You said: > > If depression is just a reaction to something and not an imbalance in > the brain, what > happens when that " something " can't be changed and I have no control > over it? What > happens when that " something " is the loss of what gave my life > meaning and > purpose, a loss that happened because of the way I ruined my life > when I was on > Celexa and going through months of cold turkey withdrawal? I live my > life minute by > minute, hour by hour, exhausted at the end of each day from expending > so much > emotionally energy trying to hold myself together. My life is like a > walk through an > endless desert, and I only move forward by watching my feet take one > step after > another, never looking ahead for fear of seeing nothing there. > Nothing to look forward > to except more barren days ahead.>> ** What are you doing toward healing? Any supplements? Aside from this, you went off Celexa abruptly in Dec. of 2003. That is 15 months ago. If you talk to ANYONE here who went off cold turkey you will find that at 15 months they didn't feel much differently from how you are feeling. I can help you but you have to stick around, stay connected, and work closely with me. Do you want to do that? Regards, << You see, I used to be a writer and > I used to have > a co-author, who was also my dearest friend and like a sister to me. > We wrote > together daily, several hours a day, for years. Our fiction was my > whole life, my > passion, it defined who and what I was. We were in the process of > editing and > revising our first novel with the intent of submitting it to a > publisher, and writing our > second novel, when I started taking Celexa. My personality completely > changed and, > because I eventually saw the way it was affecting my writing, I went > off it cold turkey. > That's when I really became Mr. Hyde. I lost all reason, became > paranoid and nasty > and angry and resentful--for no reason at all--and, in the process, > signed over all > rights to our joint works to my co-author and friend. She was so hurt > and confused by > what I'd done, and the things I'd said to her (most of which I don't > even remember > clearly) that she stopped talking to me and then severed our > relationship altogether. > That was almost a year ago. It's been more than a year since I went > off Celexa cold > turkey, and I've since begun communicating with my friend again, but > she has formed > a new writing partnership with someone else and has no intention of > renewing our > writing relationship. Even though I have explained to her that I > wasn't in my right mind > and that I didn't really mean or even feel all the awful things I > said, she admits that > she doesn't trust me, and granting me back the rights to our joint > writing again is not > even a consideration. I feel absolutely crushed. I NEED my writing, > my stories, my > characters, to get me through this awful time of loneliness and > aimless living, and I > can't have any of them. I am unable to write anything new because all > it does is > make me long for what I no longer have. I cry and cry, as if a huge > chunk of my soul > is missing. And it hurts so bad. It's a real physical ache in my > chest that never goes > away. If this isn't depression then what is it? And, if I'm past the > withdrawal stage, > why, when I go to bed at night, do I not care if I don't wake up the > next morning? > Why does life seem so useless? > > Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 > > If you are really a writer, you have many more tales to tell besides the one > you lost. No writer is defined by just one work. The withdrawals from these > drugs can last a long time -- as in years -- say, 18 months to two years > sometimes -- so what you are feeling is a combination of the drug's effects, > grief > over what you lost, and the sense of hopelessness you feel. That despair will > be ameliorated when you sit down and start writing again. I know how you > feel -- I had a co-author once and during my Paxil debacle we had a falling > out > and the book we wrote together was forever tied up in a legal dispute over > ownership, as I had stupidly signed away 50% of the project to this person who > then wouldn't let me edit one word of it, so the book got shelved, and I had > to > sit down and write another one -- Blind Reason, which in the end was the best > thing I ever did and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment to know I did > it all on my own. So get with it and start writing. Success is the best > revenge. I don't want revenge. I still love my friend dearly. I hurt HER, not the other way around. But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back. Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 > > If you are really a writer, you have many more tales to tell besides the one > you lost. No writer is defined by just one work. The withdrawals from these > drugs can last a long time -- as in years -- say, 18 months to two years > sometimes -- so what you are feeling is a combination of the drug's effects, > grief > over what you lost, and the sense of hopelessness you feel. That despair will > be ameliorated when you sit down and start writing again. I know how you > feel -- I had a co-author once and during my Paxil debacle we had a falling > out > and the book we wrote together was forever tied up in a legal dispute over > ownership, as I had stupidly signed away 50% of the project to this person who > then wouldn't let me edit one word of it, so the book got shelved, and I had > to > sit down and write another one -- Blind Reason, which in the end was the best > thing I ever did and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment to know I did > it all on my own. So get with it and start writing. Success is the best > revenge. I don't want revenge. I still love my friend dearly. I hurt HER, not the other way around. But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back. Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 > > If you are really a writer, you have many more tales to tell besides the one > you lost. No writer is defined by just one work. The withdrawals from these > drugs can last a long time -- as in years -- say, 18 months to two years > sometimes -- so what you are feeling is a combination of the drug's effects, > grief > over what you lost, and the sense of hopelessness you feel. That despair will > be ameliorated when you sit down and start writing again. I know how you > feel -- I had a co-author once and during my Paxil debacle we had a falling > out > and the book we wrote together was forever tied up in a legal dispute over > ownership, as I had stupidly signed away 50% of the project to this person who > then wouldn't let me edit one word of it, so the book got shelved, and I had > to > sit down and write another one -- Blind Reason, which in the end was the best > thing I ever did and it gave me a great sense of accomplishment to know I did > it all on my own. So get with it and start writing. Success is the best > revenge. I don't want revenge. I still love my friend dearly. I hurt HER, not the other way around. But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back. Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2005 Report Share Posted March 25, 2005 aynslie, it took me 18 months to feel much better. at 15, i pretty much felt the same. jason - In Withdrawal_and_Recovery , " ccreel_04064 " <ccreel@r...> wrote: > > Dear Aynslie, > > > > You said: > > > > > If depression is just a reaction to something and not an imbalance > in > > the brain, what > > happens when that " something " can't be changed and I have no control > > over it? What > > happens when that " something " is the loss of what gave my life > > meaning and > > purpose, a loss that happened because of the way I ruined my life > > when I was on > > Celexa and going through months of cold turkey withdrawal? I live my > > life minute by > > minute, hour by hour, exhausted at the end of each day from > expending > > so much > > emotionally energy trying to hold myself together. My life is like a > > walk through an > > endless desert, and I only move forward by watching my feet take one > > step after > > another, never looking ahead for fear of seeing nothing there. > > Nothing to look forward > > to except more barren days ahead.>> > > > > ** What are you doing toward healing? Any supplements? > > > > > Aside from this, you went off Celexa abruptly in Dec. of 2003. > That is 15 months ago. If you talk to ANYONE here who went off cold > turkey you will find that at 15 months they didn't feel much > differently from how you are feeling. > > > I can help you but you have to stick around, stay connected, and > work closely with me. Do you want to do that? > > Regards, > > > > > << You see, I used to be a writer and > > I used to have > > a co-author, who was also my dearest friend and like a sister to me. > > We wrote > > together daily, several hours a day, for years. Our fiction was my > > whole life, my > > passion, it defined who and what I was. We were in the process of > > editing and > > revising our first novel with the intent of submitting it to a > > publisher, and writing our > > second novel, when I started taking Celexa. My personality > completely > > changed and, > > because I eventually saw the way it was affecting my writing, I went > > off it cold turkey. > > That's when I really became Mr. Hyde. I lost all reason, became > > paranoid and nasty > > and angry and resentful--for no reason at all--and, in the process, > > signed over all > > rights to our joint works to my co-author and friend. She was so > hurt > > and confused by > > what I'd done, and the things I'd said to her (most of which I don't > > even remember > > clearly) that she stopped talking to me and then severed our > > relationship altogether. > > That was almost a year ago. It's been more than a year since I went > > off Celexa cold > > turkey, and I've since begun communicating with my friend again, but > > she has formed > > a new writing partnership with someone else and has no intention of > > renewing our > > writing relationship. Even though I have explained to her that I > > wasn't in my right mind > > and that I didn't really mean or even feel all the awful things I > > said, she admits that > > she doesn't trust me, and granting me back the rights to our joint > > writing again is not > > even a consideration. I feel absolutely crushed. I NEED my writing, > > my stories, my > > characters, to get me through this awful time of loneliness and > > aimless living, and I > > can't have any of them. I am unable to write anything new because > all > > it does is > > make me long for what I no longer have. I cry and cry, as if a huge > > chunk of my soul > > is missing. And it hurts so bad. It's a real physical ache in my > > chest that never goes > > away. If this isn't depression then what is it? And, if I'm past the > > withdrawal stage, > > why, when I go to bed at night, do I not care if I don't wake up the > > next morning? > > Why does life seem so useless? > > > > Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart to soldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside. Aynslie > So who has the copyright on what you wrote? I felt the same way about the > book I co-authored with my " friend " -- everything about the book, the > research, > characters, etc. were mine way before she got involved. But sometimes you > just can't get those things back and that's just the way it is. And you have > to > soldier on and create something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart to soldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside. Aynslie > So who has the copyright on what you wrote? I felt the same way about the > book I co-authored with my " friend " -- everything about the book, the > research, > characters, etc. were mine way before she got involved. But sometimes you > just can't get those things back and that's just the way it is. And you have > to > soldier on and create something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back So who has the copyright on what you wrote? I felt the same way about the book I co-authored with my "friend" -- everything about the book, the research, characters, etc. were mine way before she got involved. But sometimes you just can't get those things back and that's just the way it is. And you have to soldier on and create something else. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back So who has the copyright on what you wrote? I felt the same way about the book I co-authored with my "friend" -- everything about the book, the research, characters, etc. were mine way before she got involved. But sometimes you just can't get those things back and that's just the way it is. And you have to soldier on and create something else. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back So who has the copyright on what you wrote? I felt the same way about the book I co-authored with my "friend" -- everything about the book, the research, characters, etc. were mine way before she got involved. But sometimes you just can't get those things back and that's just the way it is. And you have to soldier on and create something else. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart to soldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside. The more you program your brain to believe that you "can't" the more that will become a self-fulfilled prophesy. And 15 months off these drugs is just too soon to even begin to feel human or creative again, but I tried to push through it all by keeping notes, scribbling on scraps of paper, and eventually weaving another story together. Every time I thought about suicide during Paxil withdrawal, I would tell myself, "I can't leave behind an unfinished project" so I just kept going. YOu will only feel withered as long as you allow yourself to. "Blind Reason" a novel of pharmaceutical intrigue Think your antidepressant is safe? Think again. It's Unsafe At Any Dose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 DITTO to what Glitter wrote. Also, we are ALL here for a reason. God doesn't create mistakes. We all are unique in that we have our own skills, talents, and gifts. Identify them, then use them, and you will be a shining star in that beautiful galaxy of stars. And a legacy will be left that is uniquely yours!!!!!!!! Just me........ Jan ================================= At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart tosoldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside.The more you program your brain to believe that you "can't" the more that will become a self-fulfilled prophesy. And 15 months off these drugs is just too soon to even begin to feel human or creative again, but I tried to push through it all by keeping notes, scribbling on scraps of paper, and eventually weaving another story together. Every time I thought about suicide during Paxil withdrawal, I would tell myself, "I can't leave behind an unfinished project" so I just kept going. YOu will only feel withered as long as you allow yourself to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 Dear Aynslie, You said: << I don't want revenge. I still love my friend dearly. I hurt HER, not the other way around. But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back.>> ** The revenge Glitter is talking about is the revenge against the pharmaceutical industry - - the revenge of living well. Regards, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 Dear Aynslie, You said: << I don't want revenge. I still love my friend dearly. I hurt HER, not the other way around. But now I'm suffering because of what *I* did. The words I wrote with her were like my own children, creations of joy, bits of my soul. I just want my soul back.>> ** The revenge Glitter is talking about is the revenge against the pharmaceutical industry - - the revenge of living well. Regards, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 Glitter said, but I tried to push through it all by keeping notes, scribbling on scraps of paper, and eventually weaving another story together. Every time I thought about suicide during Paxil withdrawal And what a great story it turned out to be, you did a great job and it was a great read.When the going gets tough the tough get going. Hugs Ros Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 Dear Aynslie, > At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart to soldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside.>> ** That can be fixed. You're taking things that are yanking your neurotransmitters in all directions. I'll address that tonight and tell you what to do about it. Regards, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 Dear Aynslie, > At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart to soldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside.>> ** That can be fixed. You're taking things that are yanking your neurotransmitters in all directions. I'll address that tonight and tell you what to do about it. Regards, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 " Withered " is such an apt word for what I think we all are feeling/have felt. I know I, too, feel I haven't the will to go on (I fight suicidality constantly it seems), strength, and the heart to soldier on and create something else? " You've got to be kidding! " scoffs the larger part of me. " I can barely get out of bed half the time. " But I think Glitter (Hi, Glitter, don't know if you ever got my email - do you mind if I ask you something personally?) is much further down the path, certainly than I am, I'm not sure about where you are, Aynslie. But she and others give me hope. Just the visualization of her going through Paxil withdrawal, feverishly scribbling on pieces of paper when she could and then one day being able to put it all together and begin creating a new life for herself lends so much inspiration. Try not to despair (said the despairing one) - remember the motto: This is all part of the withdrawal/recovery, and it won't last forever. Even though it darn tootin' seems like permanent descent into Dante's Hell, or being forever trapped in Munch's Scream. (I'd use Glitter's tableau analogy, but I can't spell it ;-) Ummmm....from the sound of it, it appears my children are in the midst of their own war.....if anyone sees the Easter Bunny, will you *please* tell it to stop giving sugar-laden candy to my kids without my permission??? Thanks. Hang in there, Aynslie, it will get better. Fondly, ~~~dl > At the moment, I just haven't got the will, the strength or the heart to > soldier on and create something else. I feel too withered inside. > > Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 on 3/27/05 6:46 AM, glitterari@... at glitterari@... wrote: > The more you program your brain to believe that you " can't " the more that > will become a self-fulfilled prophesy. And 15 months off these drugs is just > too soon to even begin to feel human or creative again ***How long if not " too soon " ? I need more hope than just " eventually " or " someday. " Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 on 3/27/05 6:46 AM, glitterari@... at glitterari@... wrote: > The more you program your brain to believe that you " can't " the more that > will become a self-fulfilled prophesy. And 15 months off these drugs is just > too soon to even begin to feel human or creative again ***How long if not " too soon " ? I need more hope than just " eventually " or " someday. " Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2005 Report Share Posted March 26, 2005 on 3/27/05 6:46 AM, glitterari@... at glitterari@... wrote: > The more you program your brain to believe that you " can't " the more that > will become a self-fulfilled prophesy. And 15 months off these drugs is just > too soon to even begin to feel human or creative again ***How long if not " too soon " ? I need more hope than just " eventually " or " someday. " Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 27, 2005 Report Share Posted March 27, 2005 > mentioned that you are taking some things that are yanking > your chemistry around right now. I believe she recommended that you > discontinue the kava kava. Have you done that yet? I didn't get that post. I thought perhaps she hadn't gotten a chance to address what I was taking yet, so I've been waiting. As soon as she said that what I was taking might be disrupting things, I stopped taking everything. Obviously I'm still waiting to hear, so : could you please repost so I can see what you said? Thanks. Aynslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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