Re: My wedding

[Guest guest]

LOL! Well, this is my theory as to why she felt entitled:

I mentioned that hubby and I paid for nearly all of this fiasco

ourselves. I was in school and we had just started paying a mortgage

on our condo (we were 25 and 22). I, however, felt obligated to put

on a Really Nice Wedding; we had hurt people's feelings by eloping

and we were asking everyone to travel a lot, so I felt like people

wouldn't bother coming if it wasn't spectacular. I did everything

myself that I could, worked my fingers to the bone (not trying to

martyr myself - I enjoyed it, but the point is I busted my butt), we

scrimped and saved all year, and still had to leave most of our

bills unpaid for the last month or so leading up to the wedding.

About 2 weeks before the event, nada (who had offered to cook for a

rehearsal BBQ and that's about it - though you would think she hand-

sewed my dress from the way she carried on) asked me what our plans

were immediately after; I told her the truth, which was that we

planned on driving 2 hours to get home right after, because we were

out of money and couldn't afford another night's hotel. So she

(well, really her now-husband) paid for our room -- isn't that just

so generous? I thought so, until I realized it gave her the " right "

to show up at will. Funny, they had said the room was " a wedding

gift " -- guess she felt she could take my gift back.

I am so done with this woman.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

> more

> > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

> how

> > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why

my

> > mom

> > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> > tell

> > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then

THEY

> > won't

> > > show up either.

> > >

> > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> > somehow by

> > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > > caring?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh oh oh oh oh oh me next!

I'VE gotten " gifts " like that too. For instance, a massage gift

certificate for my birthday. Did she go to a chain like Massage Envy

so I could get one in my part of town? OH NO, it was with HER

masseuse, 45 minutes from my house, and major traffic all the way

there and back. How relaxing!

And when I called to say " thank you again and I used your gift; it was

nice " I got the, " whaaaaaaaat???? you were on my side of town and you

didn't stop by my house???? you were here and you didn't come

ooooooooverrrrrrr??? "

Uh, yeah, momster. That massage is perfect. Get all relaxed, then

come over to your place for some grilling/privacy

invasion/belittling/controlling, then hop on the freeway for 45 minutes.

So, was it a *gift* or a way to control me and make me come over?

-Deanna

>

> LOL! Well, this is my theory as to why she felt entitled:

>

> I mentioned that hubby and I paid for nearly all of this fiasco

> ourselves. I was in school and we had just started paying a mortgage

> on our condo (we were 25 and 22). I, however, felt obligated to put

> on a Really Nice Wedding; we had hurt people's feelings by eloping

> and we were asking everyone to travel a lot, so I felt like people

> wouldn't bother coming if it wasn't spectacular. I did everything

> myself that I could, worked my fingers to the bone (not trying to

> martyr myself - I enjoyed it, but the point is I busted my butt), we

> scrimped and saved all year, and still had to leave most of our

> bills unpaid for the last month or so leading up to the wedding.

> About 2 weeks before the event, nada (who had offered to cook for a

> rehearsal BBQ and that's about it - though you would think she hand-

> sewed my dress from the way she carried on) asked me what our plans

> were immediately after; I told her the truth, which was that we

> planned on driving 2 hours to get home right after, because we were

> out of money and couldn't afford another night's hotel. So she

> (well, really her now-husband) paid for our room -- isn't that just

> so generous? I thought so, until I realized it gave her the " right "

> to show up at will. Funny, they had said the room was " a wedding

> gift " -- guess she felt she could take my gift back.

>

>

> I am so done with this woman.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla, I have to agree with Vi here. I'm struggling with learning how

to do this myself, but we have to forgive ourselves for once putting

up with things that we now know are not ok. The one undeniable truth

about these women, crazy and abusive though they may be, is that

they are our mothers -- our primary caregivers (supposedly). We were

doing what any " good kid " would try to do for someone they love; we

were trying to give her what she needed (acceptance and validation) -

- not realizing it was at the expense of what WE so sorely needed

(the same).

Maybe subconsciously we thought that if we accepted and validated

them sufficiently, they would become whole enough to return the

favor to us someday.

There's a Maya Angelou quote that I believe sums it all up. I am

trying to base my recovery/growth on this philosophy:

" You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did

better. "

*hugs*

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered

plenty

> > more

> > > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset

about

> > how

> > > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason

why my

> > mom

> > > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry.

They'll

> > tell

> > > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then

THEY

> > won't

> > > > show up either.

> > > >

> > > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> > somehow by

> > > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do

I

> > stop

> > > > caring?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

& Vi -- you guys are too kind. And you're absolutely right:

what would have been served by my going head-to-head with her? I

was even younger then -- they just would have lowered the parental

boom or some such thing, and the memory would have been even worse.

I loved the Maya Angelou quote -- It's very forgiving of past

mistakes and mishandlings. Takes the sting of regret away...

Thank you--

{big hugs}

Kyla

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered

> plenty

> > > more

> > > > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset

> about

> > > how

> > > > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason

> why my

> > > mom

> > > > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry.

> They'll

> > > tell

> > > > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and

then

> THEY

> > > won't

> > > > > show up either.

> > > > >

> > > > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been

tainted

> > > somehow by

> > > > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How

do

> I

> > > stop

> > > > > caring?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello, I usually just read and try to learn new coping skills from

this group. However, the'has this happened to you guys' part compels

me to write...

YES! This has happened to me! My Mother has controlled and

tainted/ruined most holidays and special occasions in my life

(33yrs). My recollection of childhood holidays ALL involve a

narcissistic mother who blows up and turns very NASTY mid-way

through if not the whole time. Also my birthday is a few days after

Christmas so that has equally suck sh** memories. I have always

tried (through the guilt of it all) to take these experiences and

make them character building opportunities. Sounds silly, I know,

but I try to learn from every experience in my life. Good, bad,

ugly.... I try to incorporate the thoughts that result from the

feelings and experiences/facts and make a (what I consider) better

decision the next time, and there is always a next time!

I just want you to know that I too have suck sh** memories and I

have been the 'black sheep' many times, right now as a matter of

fact! My Mother just recently told me that I have always been the

one (instead of my brother) to 'do what I want, no matter how she

feels about it'. She feels that since she is my Mother, I should do

what she wants and says, and always include her on all of my

decisions. Funny thing is that even the times that I end up doing

what she says, I am the 'bad guy', because somehow it always

changes!! Amazing really, my brother is a wonderful son who always

considers her feelings and I 'as usual' never consider her feelings

and it's always my fault, of course, that major holidays and events

are ruined. Suffice to say you are not alone in this battle and you

have friends!

Take Care,

Emma

>

>

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> caring?

>

[Guest guest]

So, em, not to be completely unhelpful but I've got a wedding coming

up at the beginning of August. I was a nervous wreck until I got into

my first fight with nada for something totally unrelated and let loose.

She's not talking to me now, and that's making things go a lot

smoother. I've already been ostracized from the majority of the family

because of her (did I mention my paternal grandmother is BPD too?) I'm

not suggesting that you get in a fight with your nada to get her to

stop talking to you, but nothing you do will make her happy, so don't

try to.

I know it's hard, but most of the family probably knows she's crazy

anyway, and the ones that don't aren't going to make this day any

easier for you. Spend this time focusing on what you want, on your

soon-to-be husband and on your new life together.

If the kids ask, just say that gramma can't make it.

[Guest guest]

Delta, is it your wedding?

If so, my congratulations!

Vi

>

> So, em, not to be completely unhelpful but I've got a wedding coming

> up at the beginning of August. I was a nervous wreck until I got into

> my first fight with nada for something totally unrelated and let loose.

>

> She's not talking to me now, and that's making things go a lot

> smoother. I've already been ostracized from the majority of the family

> because of her (did I mention my paternal grandmother is BPD too?) I'm

> not suggesting that you get in a fight with your nada to get her to

> stop talking to you, but nothing you do will make her happy, so don't

> try to.

>

> I know it's hard, but most of the family probably knows she's crazy

> anyway, and the ones that don't aren't going to make this day any

> easier for you. Spend this time focusing on what you want, on your

> soon-to-be husband and on your new life together.

>

> If the kids ask, just say that gramma can't make it.

>

[Guest guest]

Boy, do I ever sympathize. I'm pregnant with our first child right

now, and my mother's crazy reactions have led me to go completely NC.

And she will not stop finding ways to bother me!

But I do feel bad at some level. My child won't have grandparents. My

father, who I love dearly, has chosen to stick by my mother, and so

I'm excluding someone I love very much. I hate the idea that I'm

closing off an avenue of adults my child will be able to trust.

And then I think about it. My parents (even my father, much as I love

him) are not adults my child will be able to trust - my mother will

rage, and my father will not defend them.

And your mom and step-dad won't be at the wedding, but if they aren't,

might you not be able to relax and not worry about what your mother

might do? And your son might not be happy, but I'll bet there will be

plenty of things going on to distract him! Maybe you can enlist the

help of another adult at the wedding to pay special attention to him

and make him feel like he's a special part of a very important day.

Congrats on getting married, by the way

- Kaeli

>

>

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I stop

> caring?

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, Kaeli --

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your first child. It's a

wonderful event, and you are smart not to let your mother trample

all over your joy. It's up to you to draw the line of protection

around your new family, and you've taken the steps to do that. Good

for you.

Sometimes the slightest adjustments in our thinking can help us cope

with that difficult decision to go NC -- restate things in a way

that honors us and our feelings. For example --

You said: " I hate the idea that I'm

closing off an avenue of adults my child will be able to trust. "

Another way to look at that is that THEY, by virtue of their chosen

behavior, have closed off that avenue. It's not on your shoulders.

Relationships take effort on both sides -- So you can take the

weight off of you and put it where it belongs.

And I have a father who has made the same choice yours has: to

stand by my mother. I thought he and I were close, but as my

therapist pointed out when I CONTINUED to defend him: " He's not a

good Dad " . She said the dreaded words and I had to face it -- she

was right. I know he felt affection for me, but his allegiance was

ALWAYS to his wife -- and sometimes that left me twisting in the

wind.

So, maybe your dad isn't as close to you as you had it in your

mind. My Dad basically hid in his work and stayed gone a lot --

left my brother and I with her all the time. When I

read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " and it described who

typically marries a " Waif " like my mother? The description was

exactly on target for my dad. He's her hero, her rescuer -- that's

what attracted him to her in the first place. It fed his ego. And

there wasn't a lot of room for me, when I started to be less a

little girl under their control, and became my own person. He is a

sweet guy and everything -- but doesn't quite know what to do to

relate to his daughter.

So, after another rejection by him, I followed with my standard " But

he's a good dad " , my therapist finally said " NO he's NOT. Why do

you keep defending him? "

Anyway -- just pay attention to how you frame your thoughts. YOU

didn't cause this situation -- up to now you've ENDURED it. And

now, as a mother to be, you're taking ACTION. Your child and new

family come FIRST. And they will bless you for it.

{hugs}

Kyla

> >

> >

> >

> > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

more

> > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

how

> > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> > show up either.

> >

> > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> > caring?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What is it about Nada's and weddings??!! This is an ongoing theme

for most of us KOs. My wedding was three months ago and that was

the last time I spoke to my nada. Since the wedding, she has sent

nasty e-mails about how horrible I was to her at the wedding, how it

was a " nightmare for her " etc, etc. For the first time in my life,

I didn't give in to her and her rage (at least not to her, I cried

and cried for weeks but she'll NEVER know that). Well, last night I

received a two page, single spaced letter detailing all the reasons

the wedding was horrible and why I am a horrible person --it was

THREE months ago, move on already!!! I guess she figures that she

didn't get to me enough the first go around, so she's trying again.

My husband read it and it brought tears to his eyes. He said he's

never heard someone be so mean to another person before (welcome to

the family honey!) Anyway, my advice to anyone planning a wedding

with a BPD mother is to just know, there will be drama - -I don't

think they can help it. Just do your best to make it the day YOU

want - keep your distance from her, and know that your wedding is

the beggining of your NEW family. A family without drama - -HOW

WONDERFUL!!!! Congrats to you!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

> more

> > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

> how

> > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why

my

> > mom

> > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry.

They'll

> > tell

> > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then

THEY

> > won't

> > > show up either.

> > >

> > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> > somehow by

> > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > > caring?

> > >

> >

>