Re: My wedding

June 20, 2007

It might help to try to focus more on what you're going to be gaining,

than what you're going to be losing.

There is no doubt that going NC entails some very real losses, and you

owe it to yourself to let yourself name and grieve them. They suck,

and it does hurt, and there's not talking yourself out of the pain.

But there are benefits, too, that will slowly begin to surface.

*Increased inner stability, that you can almost physically feel, like

finally getting your " sea legs " in life

*clearer vision about the other people in your life, and whether they

are unhealthy or beneficial for you

*greater courage and confidence--after all, if you can do this, you

can do anything

*greater moral clarity--a chance to uncover what YOU think is right

and wrong, without Fear, Obligation, or Guilt

*parts of yourself, lovable parts, will surface that you didn't even

know you had (having supressed them for nada)...and characteristics

you already know you have will feel more positive and lovable/acceptable

*more realistic responsibility--not taking on things that aren't your

fault frees your energy to do MORE about the things you can change for

the better

*less poison being dumped into you means more love, compassion, and

wisdom is able to inhabit you, for yourself and your own family and

friends

*and very importantly, things you care about--major life events--will

no longer be routinely " tainted " or poisoned, and dread and resentment

and worry will no longer be your normal emotional settings

It hurts to contemplate your family's pain and misunderstanding of

you, but it doesn't COME from you, or from your actions. That's a lie

your nada's implanted. Therefore your actions wont " fix " it, only keep

you embroiled in it longer. Fix what you can. Fix your OWN life first.

All the best of luck, and hope this helps a bit...

Love,

Vi

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I stop

> caring?

>

June 20, 2007

It was expressed by my mother that I had a big wedding and left her

out completely. The funny thing is that I eloped. NO Dress. no party.

no family. nothing. Just a quicky marriage that is going on 12 happy

years now. The only 2 people there were my husband and I. It was

perfect:)

She still found a way to turn it around into me excluding her. It

doesn't matter what approach I take to avoid blame and hurt feelings.

She has her own agenda and will find a way to be the victim.

Everything I do will get twisted into something else.

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I stop

> caring?

>

June 20, 2007

Oh good lord, weddings. I have posted before about my wedding last

year, when I did not invite my nada and as a result she stopped my

father from getting on the plane at the last minute. She stopped

him by throwing all his bags out of the car and sitting on the

driveway in front of it, which is kind of funny in retrospect. She

still denies she did anything wrong, because she should have been

invited. I have no idea what she tells people now about it, for a

few months she ordered my father not to tell anyone I had gotten

married because it was too embarassing for her. Yeah, I had a lot

of second thoughts but I really trust my therapist and she told me

that there as no way that my family coudl attend my wedding, because

they were simply incapable of letting anyone else have a special

day. And I am pretty sure they would have done a very good job of

ruining everything had they attended.

Listen, you know why you are not inviting your mother to your

wedding and you have a very good reason - my nada too has been

incapable of letting me enjoy graduations, parties, etc...I simply

dread being the center of attention. The guilt is there but it does

get better, especially as the evidence accumulates about what her

likely behavior would have been at the ceremony. It is hard to deal

with family who haev been told you're

crazy/depressed/mean/ungrateful, but that can't be your reason for

making decisions. Sanity is a lonely path sometimes!

Sara

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> caring?

>

June 20, 2007

It's because we've been programmed -- you included -- to feel

responsible for the feelings of these people. Which is not only

impossible, it's FALSE.

To remap that thinking takes time, more information and effort.

You'll get there.

Nothing brings out the nastiness of a BPD more than a wedding. And

guess what: YOU DON'T HAVE TO SACRIFICE YOUR WEDDING DAY TO THEIR

TOXICITY. Until you're deprogrammed from propping them up, that

concept might seem foreign to you. In fact, it's the RIGHT concept

of an adult life.

For now -- please accept that you're assuming the responsibility for

the emotional highs and lows of emotionally unstable people.

When someone decides they don't want to be a part of that

dysfunctional system anymore, the " system " reacts in an effort to

protect itself. It's normal for them to react that way -- they're

trying to protect a way of life that suits them at the cost of YOU.

You're doing the right thing -- all you need to do is focus on the

few priorities you have. Make your decisions based on those

important priorities of YOUR life.

When you KNOW you're doing the right thing, you can reassure

yourself when others react and try to manipulate you to do it their

way.

If you read through these posts, you'll see a lot of us have had to

deal with people " protecting the beast " when we pull out of the

dysfunction.

I finally -- at 44 years of age! -- stood up to my dad and let him

know, politely but firmly, that I was not responsible for my

mother's misery, that if she's that miserable she might want to talk

to a professional. (He chastised me for not obeying his orders to

run to her side for her personal pity party.). His response? He

blasted me, disowned me. Basically, he was not allowing me, and

adult, to have my own opinion and to refuse to play the game I've

played all my life. The game called " The only emotions and feelings

that matter are your mother's " . I quit playing that game.

I had to weather that storm to prove to them I meant business. And

it worked. We're not all buddy-buddy now, but he knows he can't

bark orders at me to put up with her crap. And SHE now knows I

won't put up with her crap.

If you're getting married, you have EVEN MORE REASON to get out

of " OZ " . Your first allegiance, in addition to your son, will be to

your husband. Case closed. Any family or friend who wants to be in

your life from now on will have to show you respect. It's really

quite simple.

And yes, sometimes family members will " disown " us for making our

own choices. It's not fair and it stings. But sometimes doing the

right thing has those consequences -- that's why you boil it down to

doing the right thing based on your priorities.

It may help you to see that " family " is not defined by blood -- it's

defined by healthy relationship. If it's a blood relative that

we're in a healthy relationship with, great. If it's not a blood

relative, that's fine, too. Just as long as the relationship is

based on mutual respect and caring. Don't get too hung up on " But

it's my Mother!! " .

You'll get there -- don't let yourself be consumed with worry. That

will fade with time. All you need to focus on now is your emotional

health and well-being, and that of your new family -- your son and

soon-to-be husband.

A mother (or anyone else) who orders your life and screams at you

should not be honored with continued access to your life. Nor

should those who support her doing that to you.

It's as simple as that. This is a journey you're embarking on --

you'll take some hits, but they will be worth it -- your family and

your well-being are worth it!

You'll be stronger for it. And by doing it now, when you're so

young, you'll save yourself decades of heartache that I went

through. You're so fortunate to have found this out NOW, while your

family is young and just starting. That is GOOD.

Keep reading, stay strong -- Things worth having are worth some

suffering and fighting for.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> caring?

>

June 20, 2007

" How do I stop caring? "

By opening your eyes and having the courage to see the situation for

what it is. By seeing the writing on the wall and having the

courage to change your participation in it.

If " every major happy event in my life has been tainted somehow by

something family related (usually involving my mom) " -- then QUIT

signing up for major happy events with your mom! You are not a lamb

that is up for slaughter!

The writing is on the wall -- the red flags are everywhere. You've

seen it happen again and again. What more proof do you need?

Your fear of taking action to protect yourself from this heartache

is paralyzing you. You and I have been so conditioned to put

ourselves last and their feelings first, that " major events " will

continue to be all about them unless you take action and get out.

You were BORN with the right to a life without all this strife. You

have the power to get out of a situation that, by your own

description, continually and repeated causes you heartache. Time on

this earth is precious -- your life is precious. We don't know how

long we have. It would be tragic for you to continue to allow

yourself to be engulfed by their dysfunction, and waste your

precious time here. You have the right to get out and enjoy your

life.

Your son deserves a mom who's not harried and emotionally distraught

day after day by her misplaced loyalty to a family who doesn't

respect her right to be treated decently and with respect. Children

can tell. They can sense these things.

If you put your hand on a hot stove, what happens? After you're

burned, do you do it again?

This situation involves emotional pain but is no different -- it's a

hot stove.

Trust me -- you'll get there if you keep at it. The feelings that

keep coming up are from past BAD conditioning. You CAN re-condition

them to a more normal, balanced, emotionally healthy response.

The power is inside you, you've just handed it over to your mom and

others. Take it back. Take back what is rightfully yours.

-Kyla

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> caring?

>

June 20, 2007

I just wish there was a way to convince my step-dad that she needs

help and that I haven't been lying and I'm NOT the one who is crazy.

I wish there was a way we could make her get help and that SHE would

realize the issues she is dealing with.

> >

> > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

more

> > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

> mom

> > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> tell

> > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

> won't

> > show up either.

> >

> > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> somehow by

> > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > caring?

> >

>

June 20, 2007

Vi, I found what you wrote here to be so inspirational and

comforting. You are describing perfectly what I (like so many

others) am trying to achieve right now and why it's important that I

keep going, even when it's not pleasant at the moment. Thank you.

*hugs*

> >

> > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

more

> > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

how

> > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> > show up either.

> >

> > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> > caring?

> >

>

June 20, 2007

Bernadette said,

" I'm NOT the one who is crazy.

I wish there was a way we could make her get help and that SHE would

realize the issues she is dealing with. "

If you can, find a way for your step dad to visit; or snag him up when your

mother's not around; spend some time. Do not mention one word about your

mother within those conversations. Let him find out how you live, what your

goals are; what you value; and how you raise your children; how you

communicate with your husband. I'm sure he doesn't think anything bad about

you to begin with; like you said before: he's worried about the " wrath of

mother " .tell him to have a spine and go out and play sometime! If you got

married too early (in his eyes) in the beginning, things change as we all

grow. My father went through that too. Usually a good home cooked meal

convinces fathers otherwise. It worked for me. After I was out of the

house awhile, I did the same- invited my dad over for supper; it was a

really special time I won't forget; and he approved of all that I did.

He was surprised my marriage lasted as long as it did. He also understood

that I married early just to get away from my mother. (not saying that you

did the same)- but just so he sees that you're living right; with a head on

your shoulders; and you'll see whether he's happy for you or not. The trick

is to get him alone. OR even if you have to invite him right in front of

her; let her know that it's healthy to have " alone time " with your father

without a prison guard over your shoulders constantly! If she's got any

pride, she'll stick her nose up and say she doesn't care- then she'll give

him hell later on. But at least you and your step dad got to spend some

time. And, if you find that he's unwilling on his part; don't let this break

your heart; maybe they're meant to be for each other. I understand how it

feels to not have close family; makes you feel as though you were born with

the crappy end of the stick.

I think most of us have had that feeling with screwed up parents. In my

case, my NBPD mother was a single parent; dad couldn't handle her crap until

the later years and then he almost killed her (long story).So I was stuck

with her playing the role of both parents. There was no escape. When my

father got to know me after I was married; we had just that thread of a bond

that I won't ever forget. And in his later years I ended up having to stick

up for him. Either way, this crap about " how you should treat your parents

no matter what " just bc they are your parents is for those without

dysfunctional parents. It's funny bc I heard that crap from the same ones

that finally got a dose of their own medicine; when they were the ones that

actually had to put up and be screwed my mother also! The " I told you so "

was golden. Because they both agreed.

Go and fight for some " alone time " to spend with your family. Go to the BPD

site and print up the check lists that describe the disorder and mail it to

him; as anonymous. " Does your spouse do this and that " ? He'll have no

choice but to agree to most of those questions before he rips it up in fear

of the terror wife getting of hold of it. If it's possible to spend some

time with your step dad, tell us how it went!

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of imbernadette

Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2007 11:53 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: My wedding

I just wish there was a way to convince my step-dad that she needs

help and that I haven't been lying and I'm NOT the one who is crazy.

I wish there was a way we could make her get help and that SHE would

realize the issues she is dealing with.

> >

> > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

more

> > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

> mom

> > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> tell

> > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

> won't

> > show up either.

> >

> > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> somehow by

> > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > caring?

> >

>

June 20, 2007

Bernadette,

First of all, congratulations! Let's not forget in all the nada

business that YOU have something to CELEBRATE! I wish you and

your husband-to-be, as well as your son, all the peace and happiness

in the world. You deserve it.

I want to share some of this with you because I just got married a

year and a half ago and went through a TON of BS with my nada - I

spent days on the phone explaining myself to her when I wanted to be

and should have been focusing on my brand new marriage:

Hubby and I eloped in Vegas. We went there specifically to get

married; it was not drunken mistake, as I have had to justify to

nada again and again. We were the only 2 there. Our big mistake was

that we decided to elope at around noon one day, and by the time we

got rings and drove to Vegas, it was after midnight. This time is

incredibly significant because, as I was later reminded, it was

technically nada's birthday when I was eloping in Vegas at 12:30am.

I can honestly say this had NOTHING to do with anything -- some

years I totally skip her birthday, it's not exactly something that's

on my mind, and at the time my only thought process was ending the

ever-lasting engagement (I wonder why the idea of planning a wedding

overwhelmed me!?). The truth is that it was Labor Day weekend --

that and only that affected the date and time we were married. To

this day, to hear nada tell it, I hand-picked the day specifically

to hurt her.

When I told her we married, she cried and said I'd made the biggest

mistake of my life. She had a similar reaction when I'd announced my

engagement; in fact, she refused to even acknowlege it -- showers,

parties, announcements in the paper -- I got none of that, just her

life as usual and hearing how bad it made things for HER. Real self-

esteem boost, that was. I spent hours on the phone every day for

about two weeks, convincing her that I was ok, I had not been

coerced, that I still loved her . . . and COUNTLESS apologies.

When I finally convinced her that I had in fact made a mature and

wise decision by getting married, she cried that I had " robbed " her

of HER chance to be Mother of the Bride. I told her we would plan a

full church wedding for everyone: white dress, big cake, the whole

sha-bang - which we did 9 months later AT OUR EXPENSE (I was 22 and

trying to put myself through school, but SHE wanted a wedding).

In the meantime, she was telling me what kind of wedding I should

and should not have (which, if you have read any other pieces of my

story, is hilarious -- she has had ZERO interest in me since I was

about 9). Her concern that she voiced to me was, " I don't want to

come off looking like a schmuck! You made me look like an a**hole "

She was far more concerned with how it reflected on her than

anything else, and how I had " spoiled everything. " Sure, the only

reason I was having any kind of wedding was to please the family,

and the only reason I COULD was because my hubby and I (and his

parents) busted our butts to make it happen, financially and

logistically . . . but I sopiled everything.

The whole time leading up, all she could talk about was how excited

she was that she and her then-boyfriend were going on vacation the

day after my wedding. She said to me repeatedly, " I mean, the

wedding will be fun and all - even if you ARE already married - but

what I'm really excited for is the vacation! " She demanded to be

included in certain things, and without exception, everything she

touched ended up being the tackiest, worst parts of our wedding. She

wouldn't participate in anything traditional (it's " stupid " ) and

wouldn't pose for pictures - when the photographer made her, she

made sure to look MISERABLE in all of them. That will be her legacy.

She showed up at our honeymoon suite, literally banging on the door

while I was changing out of my dress. The purpose of the visit could

have been tended with an invention known as the " cell phone, " which

she does have. But she came to my honeymoon suite.

The morning after the big day, nada blew off all her previous

committments to help me and took off with her now-husband on Their

Vacation, leaving several things untended and a few bridesmaids

stranded. You see, although we hosted the wedding in our chosen home

state, it was in a " destination " area that's a 2 hour drive from our

home; people flew in from all over, and almost everyone was planning

some sort of vacation afterwards, so we had a LOT of logistics to

manage. So, my husband and I were woken up at 7:30am with frantic

phone calls from everyone she'd screwed over, and had to leave the

room we'd enjoyed for all of 6 hours to run the errands and tie up

the loose ends that nada decided (without mentioning it) that she

didn't want to do anymore.

I have no reason whatsoever (other than my own deluded fantasies) to

believe our first child together will bring any different reaction.

Anyway Bernadette, I do apologize for rambling, but I wanted to

shout from the mountaintop that nada's can be a curse at a wedding.

Mine was the aboslute worst part of mine and I am forever

disappointed. If there are other family members you would like

there, but fear her interference - tell them the closest thing you

can to the truth. As I am finding out now, most of them probably

know something is wrong with her and don't even really believe her

(no matter how much your mother says they do!!). It's ok to voice

your concern about your mother and to make it clear how much it

means to so-and-so that they be there for YOU. Weddings are supposed

to be happy, and that's how normal people want them to be: drama-

free. So tell them how HAPPY YOU would be if they came; not how

miserable your mother will be if _____.

Stay calm, and remember whose wedding it is. And congratulations!

*hugs*

> >

> > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

more

> > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

how

> > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

> mom

> > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> tell

> > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

> won't

> > show up either.

> >

> > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> somehow by

> > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> > caring?

> >

>

June 20, 2007

Hi Bernadette,

I think that most of us on this list wish that there was some way of getting

the BPDs in our life help. It's incredibly frustrating to see someone with this

illness, particularly when they are high functioning most the time, then turn

into monsters at others. The fact that you feel this way makes you a normal,

good person who wants to help. But unfortunately, the only person who can help

is your mother. She needs to see that she has got to get help and she has to be

the one to seek it out. Otherwise, it won't happen. Borderlines are very good

at lying to professional mental health people (it's been a topic on the list

before) and she will find a way to duck out if she doesn't want to get better.

It's unfortunate and it's a difficult situation, but she's got to be the one to

fix it.

is

---------------------------------

Expecting? Get great news right away with email Auto-Check.

Try the Yahoo! Mail Beta.

June 20, 2007

Thanks for your kind words, !

Not to sound like a narcisist (ha!) but I write these thoughts to push

them further into my own head, too, you know? Brainwash myself into a

better direction...

Love always,

Vi

> > >

> > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

> more

> > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

> how

> > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

> mom

> > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> tell

> > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

> won't

> > > show up either.

> > >

> > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> somehow by

> > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > > caring?

> > >

> >

>

June 20, 2007

, you said:

" We went there specifically to get married; it was not drunken

mistake, as I have had to justify to nada again and again. "

That sickens me, right there. I mean, want-to-sock-in-the-teeth

sickening. To even insinuate that to a newlywed! How did you stand

this woman??

I know, I know. The same way I stood mine. It's amazing what you can

learn to tolerate, isn't it?

All the best,

Vi

June 20, 2007

bernadette, honey....this is exactly what i went through nearly two

years ago. you didn't elaborate too much on the details so i'm not

sure about the history of your decision to not invite your mother.

mine started spreading all sorts of horrible lies and plans for how

SHE wanted my wedding to go - right down to what kind of shoes she

would " allow " me to wear. anyway, i got an onslaught of nasty e-mails

from her stating that " i just might not have the time to come and even

if i do, i'm going to leave right after because i have NOTHING in

common with your kind of people " ....so i said fine. i didn't invite

her. as a result, my grandparents didn't come either because they

didn't want to piss off nada. i ended up having one family member at

my wedding and that was fine. my surrogate family, the friends i've

had throughout my life, were there and that's all that mattered.

what i want you to know is that it's YOUR day. if that means cutting

people out who will make you feel miserable on the very day that

belongs to YOU, so be it. make it your own and don't feel guilty in

the slightest. if you wanted to get married off a cliff in the

presence of 14 cats, by all means if it makes you happy - do it. you

are creating a memory for yourself and your husband....it should be

happy and filled with things and experiences that are pleasant and

meaningful. i'm rambling here, but PLEASE don't harbor guilt on

yourself. and if the family insists that your crazy or vindictive, who

cares. they should support you in your decision anyway, be it 14 cats

or not inviting your nada.

this is the time when families are supposed to set aside their

bullshit and just be happy for you. if they can't do that, they don't

need to be there.

do what makes you happy, sweetie.

as for my experience, i have not one regret for my family not being

there and not inviting nada. it was the best day of my life.

best wishes and love,

christine.

>

> I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty more

> books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about how

> guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my mom

> and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll tell

> the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY won't

> show up either.

>

> Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted somehow by

> something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I stop

> caring?

>

June 20, 2007

christine: Good for you for calling her bluff and cutting her out

before she had the chance to make a dramatic exit. What an

insulting thing to say.

My nada felt she needed to give me her opinion on everybody, too. I

guess in her mind, finding fault with everyone in my world preserved

her status as #1 in my life. (?)

First, I wasn't allowed by my father to announce my engagement. He

told my fiance " It will upset her mother. " So we just sat there

watching sitcoms when we should have been celebrating my news. But

nada's feelings, as always, came first.

She said something similar to what your mother said after I had been

married a short time. Couldn't be bothered to come to my house for

dinner with me, my husband and his mom & dad. Her comment: " I don't

have anything in common with those people. " (Gee -- that tells you

how highly I rank in her life! Hello! Your daughter married their

son! I'm no genius, but I think you have SOMETHING in common!)

Then, when all of my friends drove a LONG way for my first baby

shower -- after they left, she went one by one and told me what she

didn't like about each guest. And like a pansy, I sat there and

took it. What a terrible thing to do to a person after such a show

of friendship and love by your friends to mark the birth of your

first child. I was so entrenched in the FOG of never disagreeing

with her, I was like a zombie, sitting there while she ruined the

memory of it.

Good for you -- I'm envious. If I had it to do over again, I'd do

it differently because I don't give a rat's ass about nada's

feelings on everybody. Who gave her that right? At some point, I

did. But no more.

From now on, I'm speaking up when I have an opinion. Not rudely,

just freeing myself to politely disagree. To not take part in her

negativity about everybody.

I'm freeing myself from her stranglehold.

-Kyla

> >

> > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

more

> > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

how

> > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

mom

> > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

tell

> > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

won't

> > show up either.

> >

> > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

somehow by

> > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

stop

> > caring?

> >

>

June 20, 2007

Bernadette - I second what others are recommending. It is your day.

If something or someone doesn't feel right - go with your gut.

- this a nada messed up event if I ever heard one!

wrote:

She showed up at our honeymoon suite, literally banging on the door

while I was changing out of my dress. The purpose of the visit could

have been tended with an invention known as the " cell phone, " which

she does have. But she came to my honeymoon suite.

patinage

> > >

> > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

> more

> > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

> how

> > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why

my

> > mom

> > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> > tell

> > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then

THEY

> > won't

> > > show up either.

> > >

> > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> > somehow by

> > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > > caring?

> > >

> >

>

June 20, 2007

kyla, you are one of the strongest voices on here. thanks for sharing

your wedding/baby story. i find it rather odd that you put up with

that crap but good for you for recognizing you don't need to anymore.

the whole sitting in front of the t.v. on the eve of your marriage

sounds something like what my nada would do. when i gave her my news

over the phone, excited like any other 25 year old woman, her response

was a long exhale and " i figured this was going to happen " - as if

doomsday had finally arrived.

i'm sorry your engagement couldn't have been celebrated the way you

deserved. well, i'm going to have a post celebratory toast for you,

myself and all of those on here that are or about to be married -

congratulations!!!!!!!

much love,

christine.

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " kylaboo728 "

wrote:

>

> christine: Good for you for calling her bluff and cutting her out

> before she had the chance to make a dramatic exit. What an

> insulting thing to say.

>

> My nada felt she needed to give me her opinion on everybody, too. I

> guess in her mind, finding fault with everyone in my world preserved

> her status as #1 in my life. (?)

>

> First, I wasn't allowed by my father to announce my engagement. He

> told my fiance " It will upset her mother. " So we just sat there

> watching sitcoms when we should have been celebrating my news. But

> nada's feelings, as always, came first.

>

> She said something similar to what your mother said after I had been

> married a short time. Couldn't be bothered to come to my house for

> dinner with me, my husband and his mom & dad. Her comment: " I don't

> have anything in common with those people. " (Gee -- that tells you

> how highly I rank in her life! Hello! Your daughter married their

> son! I'm no genius, but I think you have SOMETHING in common!)

>

> Then, when all of my friends drove a LONG way for my first baby

> shower -- after they left, she went one by one and told me what she

> didn't like about each guest. And like a pansy, I sat there and

> took it. What a terrible thing to do to a person after such a show

> of friendship and love by your friends to mark the birth of your

> first child. I was so entrenched in the FOG of never disagreeing

> with her, I was like a zombie, sitting there while she ruined the

> memory of it.

>

> Good for you -- I'm envious. If I had it to do over again, I'd do

> it differently because I don't give a rat's ass about nada's

> feelings on everybody. Who gave her that right? At some point, I

> did. But no more.

>

> From now on, I'm speaking up when I have an opinion. Not rudely,

> just freeing myself to politely disagree. To not take part in her

> negativity about everybody.

>

> I'm freeing myself from her stranglehold.

>

> -Kyla

>

> > >

> > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

> more

> > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

> how

> > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

> mom

> > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> tell

> > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

> won't

> > > show up either.

> > >

> > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> somehow by

> > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > > caring?

> > >

> >

>

June 20, 2007

>

> Then, when all of my friends drove a LONG way for my first baby

> shower -- after they left, she went one by one and told me what she

> didn't like about each guest. And like a pansy, I sat there and

> took it.

I've had that experience. When I was about 22 and still living with

my parents, I had a friend come over and try to figure out why my Sega

system wouldn't work on the TV in my bedroom. He was so nice and

spent maybe an hour or more working on it, and finally called Sega.

They told him my TV set was too old, but they would have Airborne pick

it up on their dime, they would ship it back, put some chip in it so

it would work on my TV. I was so happy! And he was so nice and

friendly, and happy to help me, as he LOVED video games.

Yeah, we were just friends, and he was scruffy looking, and when he

left my mother (at dinner) would not shut the hell up. " He's a real

nowhere man. What a loser. That guy is a total loser. Yep. He's a

nowhere man. He's going nowhere. " She was drunk and I asked her

repeatedly to knock it off.

But I felt like such a heel. Here he came to help me and now I had to

listen to her drunken rampage, ripping him apart.

AS USUAL, this sucked all of the joy out of my happy occasion/victory

at working my problem out. He's a worthless piece of shit, you say?

Well, beyotch, he fixed my Sega, and you can't even play a tape in the

VCR. Who's the loser?????

-Deanna

June 21, 2007

Yes, Congratulations Kyla!

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of christine

Sent: Thursday, June 21, 2007 12:45 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: My wedding

kyla, you are one of the strongest voices on here. thanks for sharing

your wedding/baby story. i find it rather odd that you put up with

that crap but good for you for recognizing you don't need to anymore.

the whole sitting in front of the t.v. on the eve of your marriage

sounds something like what my nada would do. when i gave her my news

over the phone, excited like any other 25 year old woman, her response

was a long exhale and " i figured this was going to happen " - as if

doomsday had finally arrived.

i'm sorry your engagement couldn't have been celebrated the way you

deserved. well, i'm going to have a post celebratory toast for you,

myself and all of those on here that are or about to be married -

congratulations!!!!!!!

much love,

christine.

In WTOAdultChildren1@ <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

yahoogroups.com, " kylaboo728 "

wrote:

>

> christine: Good for you for calling her bluff and cutting her out

> before she had the chance to make a dramatic exit. What an

> insulting thing to say.

>

> My nada felt she needed to give me her opinion on everybody, too. I

> guess in her mind, finding fault with everyone in my world preserved

> her status as #1 in my life. (?)

>

> First, I wasn't allowed by my father to announce my engagement. He

> told my fiance " It will upset her mother. " So we just sat there

> watching sitcoms when we should have been celebrating my news. But

> nada's feelings, as always, came first.

>

> She said something similar to what your mother said after I had been

> married a short time. Couldn't be bothered to come to my house for

> dinner with me, my husband and his mom & dad. Her comment: " I don't

> have anything in common with those people. " (Gee -- that tells you

> how highly I rank in her life! Hello! Your daughter married their

> son! I'm no genius, but I think you have SOMETHING in common!)

>

> Then, when all of my friends drove a LONG way for my first baby

> shower -- after they left, she went one by one and told me what she

> didn't like about each guest. And like a pansy, I sat there and

> took it. What a terrible thing to do to a person after such a show

> of friendship and love by your friends to mark the birth of your

> first child. I was so entrenched in the FOG of never disagreeing

> with her, I was like a zombie, sitting there while she ruined the

> memory of it.

>

> Good for you -- I'm envious. If I had it to do over again, I'd do

> it differently because I don't give a rat's ass about nada's

> feelings on everybody. Who gave her that right? At some point, I

> did. But no more.

>

> From now on, I'm speaking up when I have an opinion. Not rudely,

> just freeing myself to politely disagree. To not take part in her

> negativity about everybody.

>

> I'm freeing myself from her stranglehold.

>

> -Kyla

>

> > >

> > > I know I need to cut my mother off, and I've ordered plenty

> more

> > > books to help me cope with doing it... but I'm so upset about

> how

> > > guilty I feel about all this. I feel like I'm the reason why my

> mom

> > > and step-dad won't be at my wedding. My son will cry. They'll

> tell

> > > the family that I've become crazy and cut them off and then THEY

> won't

> > > show up either.

> > >

> > > Has anything like this happened to you guys?

> > > Almost every major happy event in my life has been tainted

> somehow by

> > > something family related (usually involving my mom). How do I

> stop

> > > caring?

> > >

> >

>

June 21, 2007

Bernadette said,

" wouldn't pose for pictures - when the photographer made her, she

made sure to look MISERABLE in all of them. That will be her legacy. "

What's with the BPD people and pictures??? Are they possessed by demons or

something? How childish can they be? My mother ALWAYS pulled that crap

whenever she had a bug up her ass! And, if your mother's anything like

mine- she's extremely picky about What pictures she'll accept and not

accept- " I can't show that to my friends, they'll think blab la bla! " While

I'm sitting there thinking, " What friends? "

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Ritty

Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2007 1:21 PM