Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

[Guest guest]

Ahh. Thanks Jennie. I re read and agree, I got it wrong. haha. If I had been an AS I probably would have gotten it right. I think is right about the husbands not wanting to recognize it and change.

The book Maxine Aston's Aspergers in Love describes how she believes women with AS try harder to change, cope, whatever than the men.

I think that is true of women who are NT's too compared to men who are NT's.

not trying to be sexist here

Sandy

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

Jennie,

I agree that we should take responsibility for what we know, but it seems that every day I learn more about ways in which I have actually risked hurting someone, but did not have a clue. I try teally hard, but I have to acklnlwledge just how much I still have to grow. I believe that if someone is offended, it is his or her responsibility not to assume that i know it, and planned it, especially after i disclose clearly that this is not going to be true. My friends can see the effort I put in, and often have no question that I am not intentionally trying to hurt people (except for that friend I had years ago, who did not get it right, even after I told her I could not help not knowing- but back then, I did not even know the term Asperger's). Here is one I learned just a couple of weeks ago: I complimented someone, by compairing how she was now, over the way it used to be. I learned from another person who saw and

heard me that this is dangerous, because then the person being complimentred could take it wrongly, in that she did not have to realized she dod not look great all those months ago! I was told that unless there has been an active discussion containing an aclnolwedgement of what was not perfect in the past, it is safer not to refer to it when complimenting someone, lest he or she take it as an insult.

Here I was, doing my best, and I did not even see this! I am so glad it was pointed out!

Jennie Unknown <mossbtweenmetoes@ tds.net> wrote:

All I can say is I'm diagnosed AS and yes I get 'stuck' but that does not and can NOT ever excuse me from rotten, bad, or hurtful behaviors. I have a brain. All I have to do is THINK and I know whether somethng is hurtful to others. Maybe I wouldn't be aware of a lack of expression on my part being hurtful or something like that but yelling at someone, or doing some of the other things you've described? All I know is that I would know what I was doing. Just because someone is choosing what is most comfortable for them does not mean they aren't wrong. It doesn't matter if I'm AS or not, some behaviors are obviously hurtful. Perhaps a valid question would be, does it bother, hurt, or annoy him when people do to him what he does to you? If so, then.....?!

Oh and btw criticism is not necessarily a bad thing. If done with the right attitude, based in reality, and coming from someone who's business it is.... then what's wrong with it?

Jennie AS

..

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[Guest guest]

Have you ever tuned into Osteen? Both Nick and I enjoy him. Check him out if you have cable or satelite, and he did just start coming on our local stations. I don't want to say anything further about him, because I do not want to bias your thinking.

Sandy

Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

>>Jennie

What an environment to grow up in. I am laughing (not at the pain that it had to cause you) but at the absolute ridiculousness that one household could have so much dysfunction.

Sandy<<

Sandy,

You can throw in being a part of a super isolated, very small, rules and regulations, 'everyone else is going to hell' religion as well. LOL Growing up we were not allowed to have a TV, not allowed to cut our hair, wear make up, jewelry, had to wear dresses to church (hypocritically boys could wear t-shirts and jeans), not allowed to listen to popular music (not even Christian based), etc and so forth. You get the picture!

What's interesting is in many ways growing up in that household has made me much more open to other ways of being. I think it's my way of reacting against the way they are. Though I am at this point in my life ok with them being the way they are. In the past I had a lot of anger and pain over it but have moved on and it helps a lot that they live halfway across the country. They are much more lovable from a couple thousand miles away! LOL

But I guess it just goes to show that AS people CAN overcome great odds. And I did it by myself, with help from God. I dealt with most of that before I even knew about AS and the rest shortly after. I find a few things pop up now and again but mostly I am on with my life. This is one of the reasons I really struggle with hearing the 'can't' word in referring to people with AS. Because I DID. But then I had God so I that evened the odds for me.

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

Jennie, I can see where you could be quite right. There are people whose attitudes are that it is all about themselves. Of course, for them, it is a choice. I know this exists. On the other hand, there have been plenty of peole who were completely certain that they had pointed things out to me, but I had absolutely no knowledge of this. One common error was the assumption they made that my ability to generalize in social situations was better than what I really had at the time. I can generalize, but only where I really understand things. If an NT gives me a script for one situation, with no clear explanation of why that script works, then I cannot really generalize it at all. If the other person believes that I can, and that I am just being wilful, then he or she might get really frustrated, and believe that he or she already told me something in

great detail- and believe that I am either stupid or dense or just plain obstinate! In situations like these, it was impossible to advocate fro myself without having any science to back it up: I was not believed, and it was viewed as a poor excuse. that, in turn, frustrated me. Knlwledge of AS really helps. Jennie Unknown wrote: Hi , I agree with you 100%. The

only thing I would add is that the ladies who post here are often saying that their spouses do not do what you do. When someone points out to them (the AS person) that they are hurtful, they don't listen and change as you do. At that point, in my mind, it becomes a choice. Jennie Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely. Jennie, I agree that we should take responsibility for what we know, but it seems that every day I learn more about ways in which I have actually risked hurting someone, but did not have a clue. I try teally hard, but I have to acklnlwledge just how much I still have to grow. I believe that if someone is offended, it is his or her responsibility not to assume that i know it, and planned it, especially after i disclose clearly that this is not going to be true. My friends can see the effort I put in, and often have no question that I am not intentionally trying to hurt people (except for that friend I had years ago, who did not get it right, even

after I told her I could not help not knowing- but back then, I did not even know the term Asperger's). Here is one I learned just a couple of weeks ago: I complimented someone, by compairing how she was now, over the way it used to be. I learned from another person who saw and heard me that this is dangerous, because then the person being complimentred could take it wrongly, in that she did not have to realized she dod not look great all those months ago! I was told that unless there has been an active discussion containing an aclnolwedgement of what was not perfect in the past, it is safer not to refer to it when complimenting someone, lest he or she take it as an insult. Here I was, doing my best, and I did not even see this! I am so glad it was pointed out! Jennie Unknown <mossbtweenmetoestds (DOT) net> wrote: All I can say is I'm diagnosed AS and yes I get 'stuck' but that does not and can NOT ever excuse me from rotten, bad, or hurtful behaviors. I have a brain. All I have to do is THINK and I know whether somethng is hurtful to others. Maybe I wouldn't be aware of a lack of expression on my part being hurtful or something like that but yelling at someone, or doing some of the other things you've described? All I know is that I would know what I was doing. Just because someone is choosing what is most comfortable for them does not mean they aren't wrong. It doesn't matter if I'm AS or not, some behaviors are obviously hurtful. Perhaps a valid question would be, does it bother, hurt, or annoy him when people do to him what he does to you? If so, then.....?! Oh and btw criticism is not

necessarily a bad thing. If done with the right attitude, based in reality, and coming from someone who's business it is.... then what's wrong with it? Jennie AS . Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. No virus found in this incoming

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[Guest guest]

...

I'll be the first to admit I've got plenty of room to grow,

especially with having AS/ADHD. I am glad to see that you are doing

whatever you can to make your life the best it can be around others.

Good for you

> All I can say is I'm diagnosed AS and yes I get 'stuck'

but that does not and can NOT ever excuse me from rotten, bad, or

hurtful behaviors. I have a brain. All I have to do is THINK and I

know whether something is hurtful to others. Maybe I wouldn't be

aware of a lack of expression on my part being hurtful or something

like that but yelling at someone, or doing some of the other things

you've described? All I know is that I would know what I was doing.

Just because someone is choosing what is most comfortable for them

does not mean they aren't wrong. It doesn't matter if I'm AS or not,

some behaviors are obviously hurtful. Perhaps a valid question would

be, does it bother, hurt, or annoy him when people do to him what he

does to you? If so, then.....?!

>

> Oh and btw criticism is not necessarily a bad thing. If done with

the right attitude, based in reality, and coming from someone who's

business it is.... then what's wrong with it?

>

> Jennie AS

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[Guest guest]

Sandy and Jennie, I recently got his book on improving ones self-image. It had some really helpful things in it for me. Sandy, is your husband a believer? Maybe, he will check out the Catacombs. CATACOMBS_ASPERGER It's the spin-off of ASPIRES for those of us who want to discuss AS/NT relationships in the context of Christianity. In my own life, praying about it made a major difference. Dahlberg wrote: Have you ever tuned into Osteen? Both Nick and I enjoy him. Check him out if you have cable or satelite, and he did just start coming on our local stations. I don't want to say anything further about him, because I do not want to bias your thinking. Sandy Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely. >>Jennie What an environment to grow up in. I am laughing (not at the pain that it had to cause you) but at the absolute ridiculousness that one household could have so much dysfunction. Sandy<< Sandy, You can throw in being a part of a super isolated, very small, rules and regulations, 'everyone else is going to hell' religion as well. LOL Growing up we were not allowed to have a TV, not allowed to cut our hair, wear make up, jewelry, had to wear dresses to church (hypocritically boys could wear t-shirts and jeans), not allowed to listen to popular music (not even Christian based), etc and so forth. You get the picture! What's interesting is in many ways growing up in that household has made me much more open to other ways of being. I think it's my way of reacting against the way they are. Though I am at this point in my

life ok with them being the way they are. In the past I had a lot of anger and pain over it but have moved on and it helps a lot that they live halfway across the country. They are much more lovable from a couple thousand miles away! LOL But I guess it just goes to show that AS people CAN overcome great odds. And I did it by myself, with help from God. I dealt with most of that before I even knew about AS and the rest shortly after. I find a few things pop up now and again but mostly I am on with my life. This is one of the reasons I really struggle with hearing the 'can't' word in referring to people with AS. Because I DID. But then I had God so I that evened the odds for me. Jennie AS

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[Guest guest]

Yes. He's a believer. Does the book specifically refer to AS?

Sandy

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

>>Jennie

What an environment to grow up in. I am laughing (not at the pain that it had to cause you) but at the absolute ridiculousness that one household could have so much dysfunction.

Sandy<<

Sandy,

You can throw in being a part of a super isolated, very small, rules and regulations, 'everyone else is going to hell' religion as well. LOL Growing up we were not allowed to have a TV, not allowed to cut our hair, wear make up, jewelry, had to wear dresses to church (hypocritically boys could wear t-shirts and jeans), not allowed to listen to popular music (not even Christian based), etc and so forth. You get the picture!

What's interesting is in many ways growing up in that household has made me much more open to other ways of being. I think it's my way of reacting against the way they are. Though I am at this point in my life ok with them being the way they are. In the past I had a lot of anger and pain over it but have moved on and it helps a lot that they live halfway across the country. They are much more lovable from a couple thousand miles away! LOL

But I guess it just goes to show that AS people CAN overcome great odds. And I did it by myself, with help from God. I dealt with most of that before I even knew about AS and the rest shortly after. I find a few things pop up now and again but mostly I am on with my life. This is one of the reasons I really struggle with hearing the 'can't' word in referring to people with AS. Because I DID. But then I had God so I that evened the odds for me.

Jennie AS

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Not that I have found. Still, there are scriptures that do! One of my favorites is that the Boble makes wise the simple! I may not be able to discern when someone is communicating something nonverbally, but the Word helps me through these situations. In Romans 8:1 it says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Maybe, that would put your husband at ease to share feelings with you, and not be afraid of not getting it quite right. It helped me a lot. Feel free to write me off-list about other things in the Word tha really help me know about communicating and dealing with AS-related stuff AS, and "fearfully and wonderfully made" Dahlberg

wrote: Yes. He's a believer. Does the book specifically refer to AS? Sandy Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely. >>Jennie What an environment to grow up

in. I am laughing (not at the pain that it had to cause you) but at the absolute ridiculousness that one household could have so much dysfunction. Sandy<< Sandy, You can throw in being a part of a super isolated, very small, rules and regulations, 'everyone else is going to hell' religion as well. LOL Growing up we were not allowed to have a TV, not allowed to cut our hair, wear make up, jewelry, had to wear dresses to church (hypocritically boys could wear t-shirts and jeans), not allowed to listen to popular music (not even Christian based), etc and so forth. You get the picture! What's interesting is in many ways growing up in that household has made me much more open to other ways of being. I think it's my way of reacting against the way they are. Though I am at this point in my life ok with them being the way they

are. In the past I had a lot of anger and pain over it but have moved on and it helps a lot that they live halfway across the country. They are much more lovable from a couple thousand miles away! LOL But I guess it just goes to show that AS people CAN overcome great odds. And I did it by myself, with help from God. I dealt with most of that before I even knew about AS and the rest shortly after. I find a few things pop up now and again but mostly I am on with my life. This is one of the reasons I really struggle with hearing the 'can't' word in referring to people with AS. Because I DID. But then I had God so I that evened the odds for me. Jennie AS Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.