Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

April 18, 2008

, ,

I was a CFO at a large organization that helped folks with Autism in St Louis and Mo. One of my best friends has 5 years of being on its board. After reading Maxine Aston's book NOW and after reading some of the Tony Attwood info and some of Bentley's book AND reading so many of your posts including those of the NT's I am finally REALLY gaining knowlege. AS definately seems invisible to me in the population at large. I agree with someone's post (not sure who said it). UNLESS it affects you directly, ie Totally disrupts your marriage, effects your children, or something huge, I don't think a person becomes aware. I even have another very good friend that is a Teacher in (what we call here) the special school system and she teaches kids (some of who have been identified with Autism).

These people know of some of the situation with Nick, but they have not suggested Aspergers. I don't think they can put it together without LIVING it. Now that I have become aware, I have talked to one of these folks and she sees it well.

I don't still know if my husband is reading any of these posts or not. I think not. He will probably keep burying his head in the sand. Tonite he did one of the typical things he does in his ANGER (SILENT REBELLION). When we lived in Northern Illiois he used to go find a bar or something or just disappear. I wouldn't have a clue where he would be. He'd turn off his phone, etc. I used to become very upset. Instead of talking to me about whatever our problems were, he would just hide. And so he did it again tonite. The difference tonite was I didn't call and try to find him, nor did I ask where he was when he showed up at 10. I figure he can call some of these shots himself. I used to beg him to talk. I used to beg him to stay home and figure things out. Not any more. WE are at the CRUNCH state, as Maxine Aston describes. In my words it's Shit or

Get off the Pot stage. Figure it out and fix what you can in the relationship, or go separate ways.

I've left the books out and told him he might find them enlightening. He is not looking at them. Again, the old hiding his head in the sand. Pointing his finger at me and telling me it is my problem not his. Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What "disease"? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion),

I am relieved in reading so many stories about the lives of other people who have experienced somthing so similarly devasting to themselves as it has been for me. I can see where people may be able to find coping methods to help in interaction in a marriage if people are educated to what is really going on. As an NT with dreams of a totally fulfilling relationship, I still ask myself. Even if Nick gets diagnosed and accepts it, will we ever be able to have the fulfillling relationship that I had dreamed of. Probably not. But then again, could it still be wonderful for both of us. I don't know.

I do know that whatever is happening now doesn't work. I know that most of my family and friends have no clue. I know that his family has buried their heads in the sand. That's just Nick. That's just my DAD. In my opinion that is a HUGE JUST. That is telling me that however he acts to you (CRUEL, UNLOVING, TOTALLY UNINTERESTED) is just a JUST and to me DEAL with it. Do they have a clue how my stomache hurts? Do they have a clue how many times I have thought of suicide? Do they care?

It is invisible. And if the outside public doesn't understand it, the professionals don't understand it, how is the person with AS supposed to understand it. No wonder a person with AS can feel so much rage and anger at not being able to communicate, not feeling heard. It took me 3 years of knowing Nick to really start feeling anger. Now after 6 my anger has increased, subsided, increased etc. From time to time after feeling that absolutely no amount of discussion on my part, no amount of love, no amount of anything was sinking in, I felt an intense range. I started throwing things, a clock, a barometer. Something to get it out of my system. Did I thow it at him? No. Did I feel better after words? A little. A couple of days after I did that he told me quietly. Sandy, that is what my mother was talking about to me. He said he used to do these types of things as a

kid? After I thought about that, I asked him if he was intentionally trying to hurt me so much that I would feel like he used to? Did he want me to feel the anger he felt inside (I knew he had anger and it was mostly directed at me...passively, agressively, manipulation, unkindnesses, etc., but I didn't know the cause) I used to accuse him of that. I used to think that he had been criticized so much as a kid by his father (He had told me that also) that he felt a tremendous amount of rage, and carried it with him in life. I thought his purpous in life was to get someone Kind like me, Fun like me, Loving People and Life like me, to BREAK down and become a person like him, raging at the world. Hurt. Broken. Feeling Crippled inside. I told him that he had succeeded. He got what he wanted. I totally felt that. So Gee, on some level I can certainly appreciate what it must feel like

for a person like him.

But, did I know that it was AS? NO. And, does he know that it is AS now? NO. Does his family? NO, Will they ever? Probably not. Will I? Yes. Thank you God for giving me a brain and the huge amount of curiousity that I have and the Huge amount of love I have/ had for this man that I continued to perserver to find an answer. Thank you Thank you.

Will it help us as a couple? I don't know.

Can an AS "fool" themselves? Yes. (And I certainly don't think it is intentional. It is because WE are not aware of the syndrome as a public.

Thanks.

I know A LOT OF WORDS.

sandy

Re: Re: Tonight on nightline- interesting

,

I fooled myself pretty well, I think: I did not fool everyone! Now, when I meet people who are a bit knowledgeable about autism, I wonder if they can tell.

<msrpsilverlycos (DOT) com> wrote:

I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually, the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running back Herschel is a

man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.>

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

April 18, 2008

Sandy, One thing jumped out at me. I don't think he is angry with you at all. He is just taking out his anger on that one person who loves him...He is angry with himself for things that has happened in his childhood for not feeling like he fits in....Anyone else have any input... This is my opinion and my experience. I used to think it was all about me and truly it has nothing to do with me at all.... One thing I wouldn't keep throwing AS information a thim especially if he is in denial. My husband looked into things on his own at his own pace. Maybe you don't have that kind of time. But pushing and pushing and arguing will not help at all. My husband would need 2 or 3 days to figure out why he is mad. I never understood it. I do now...I used to follow him around and fight with him to talk about stuff..It still happens that way occassionally but very rarely. I let him blow steam off and then

approach him and not in a aggressive way. I try to word things simply. It does work for him anyway... I will be thinking about you Dahlberg wrote: , , I was a CFO at a large organization that helped folks with Autism in St Louis and Mo. One of my best friends has 5 years of being on its board. After

reading Maxine Aston's book NOW and after reading some of the Tony Attwood info and some of Bentley's book AND reading so many of your posts including those of the NT's I am finally REALLY gaining knowlege. AS definately seems invisible to me in the population at large. I agree with someone's post (not sure who said it). UNLESS it affects you directly, ie Totally disrupts your marriage, effects your children, or something huge, I don't think a person becomes aware. I even have another very good friend that is a Teacher in (what we call here) the special school system and she teaches kids (some of who have been identified with Autism). These people know of some of the situation with Nick, but they have not suggested Aspergers. I don't think they can put it together without LIVING it. Now that I have become aware, I have talked to one of these folks and she sees

it well. I don't still know if my husband is reading any of these posts or not. I think not. He will probably keep burying his head in the sand. Tonite he did one of the typical things he does in his ANGER (SILENT REBELLION). When we lived in Northern Illiois he used to go find a bar or something or just disappear. I wouldn't have a clue where he would be. He'd turn off his phone, etc. I used to become very upset. Instead of talking to me about whatever our problems were, he would just hide. And so he did it again tonite. The difference tonite was I didn't call and try to find him, nor did I ask where he was when he showed up at 10. I figure he can call some of these shots himself. I used to beg him to talk. I used to beg him to stay home and figure things out. Not any more. WE are at the CRUNCH state, as Maxine

Aston describes. In my words it's Shit or Get off the Pot stage. Figure it out and fix what you can in the relationship, or go separate ways. I've left the books out and told him he might find them enlightening. He is not looking at them. Again, the old hiding his head in the sand. Pointing his finger at me and telling me it is my problem not his. Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What "disease"? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion), I am relieved in reading so many stories about the lives of other people who have experienced somthing so similarly devasting to themselves as it has been for me. I can see where people may be able to find coping methods to help in interaction in a marriage if people are educated to what is really going

on. As an NT with dreams of a totally fulfilling relationship, I still ask myself. Even if Nick gets diagnosed and accepts it, will we ever be able to have the fulfillling relationship that I had dreamed of. Probably not. But then again, could it still be wonderful for both of us. I don't know. I do know that whatever is happening now doesn't work. I know that most of my family and friends have no clue. I know that his family has buried their heads in the sand. That's just Nick. That's just my DAD. In my opinion that is a HUGE JUST. That is telling me that however he acts to you (CRUEL, UNLOVING, TOTALLY UNINTERESTED) is just a JUST and to me DEAL with it. Do they have a clue how my stomache hurts? Do they have a clue how many times I have thought of suicide? Do they care? It is invisible. And if the outside public doesn't understand it, the professionals don't understand it, how is the person with AS supposed to understand it. No wonder a person with AS can feel so much rage and anger at not being able to communicate, not feeling heard. It took me 3 years of knowing Nick to really start feeling anger. Now after 6 my anger has increased, subsided, increased etc. From time to time after feeling that absolutely no amount of discussion on my part, no amount of love, no amount of anything was sinking in, I felt an intense range. I started throwing things, a clock, a barometer. Something to get it out of my system. Did I thow it at him? No. Did I feel better after words? A little. A couple of days after I did that he told me quietly. Sandy, that is what my mother was talking about to me. He said he used to do these types of

things as a kid? After I thought about that, I asked him if he was intentionally trying to hurt me so much that I would feel like he used to? Did he want me to feel the anger he felt inside (I knew he had anger and it was mostly directed at me...passively, agressively, manipulation, unkindnesses, etc., but I didn't know the cause) I used to accuse him of that. I used to think that he had been criticized so much as a kid by his father (He had told me that also) that he felt a tremendous amount of rage, and carried it with him in life. I thought his purpous in life was to get someone Kind like me, Fun like me, Loving People and Life like me, to BREAK down and become a person like him, raging at the world. Hurt. Broken. Feeling Crippled inside. I told him that he had succeeded. He got what he wanted. I totally felt that. So Gee, on some level I can certainly appreciate what it must feel like for a

person like him. But, did I know that it was AS? NO. And, does he know that it is AS now? NO. Does his family? NO, Will they ever? Probably not. Will I? Yes. Thank you God for giving me a brain and the huge amount of curiousity that I have and the Huge amount of love I have/ had for this man that I continued to perserver to find an answer. Thank you Thank you. Will it help us as a couple? I don't know. Can an AS "fool" themselves? Yes. (And I certainly don't think it is intentional. It is because WE are not aware of the syndrome as a public. Thanks. I know A LOT OF WORDS. sandy Re: Re: Tonight on nightline- interesting , I fooled myself pretty well, I think: I did not fool everyone! Now, when I meet people who are a bit knowledgeable about autism, I wonder if they can tell. <msrpsilverlycos (DOT) com> wrote: I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually, the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running

back Herschel is a man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

April 18, 2008

: Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What "disease"? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion),

Jennie: Yes this is shortsighted. If the things you have described him doing in various e-mails are an accurate representation of his actions then he either needs a diagnosis (which would give him a learning curve) or he's just being a jerk. In which case by saying he doesn't need a diagnosis he's requesting to be treated like he's a jerk who's intentional in his actions.

Of course that is my black and white opinion. LOL

Jennie AS

April 18, 2008

Jennie Unknown wrote:

> : Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What

> " disease " ? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion),

>

> Jennie: Yes this is shortsighted. If the things you have described him

> doing in various e-mails are an accurate representation of his actions

> then he either needs a diagnosis (which would give him a learning curve)

> or he's just being a jerk. In which case by saying he doesn't need a

> diagnosis he's requesting to be treated like he's a jerk who's

> intentional in his actions.

>

> Of course that is my black and white opinion. LOL

>

> Jennie AS

I agree, and add my 2-cents:

, focus on his " jerk " -ness. On him being an a**hole. *NOT* on

the possibility he may be AS.

Absolutely *no matter* what his dx may (or may not) be - it's his

_behavior_ that's a problem. And you cannot prima facie blame it on AS.

Consider:

1) Being a jerk is *not* part of the AS diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV).

In fact, even by casual observation, most AS would have trouble being

jerks if they tried. It's not part of the cognitive style.

2) MOST male jerks are *not* AS. That's just statistics; there are far

more non-AS than AS.

And don't forget: In some cases the jerks been provoked into it. It

takes Two to Tango more often than most want to believe.

3) Whether or not he gets **any** dx, his behavior will _continue_ to

be a problem for you. A dx, alone, doesn't change anything.

All your own decisions should be based on tolerance (or not) of his

current behavior. From your description it's simply UNACCEPTABLE!

But *he* must change it; neither you nor a shrink is going to do it.

Neither coercion nor your pleading is going to do it. It must come

from *him*, inside!

All that said, LOTS of husbands on/off this List ARE (or have been)

jerks. Some have changed; at least as many more have not.

Merely having an AS dx (and pondering it) *has* helped a few to see

the light and change; ...but for many more it's changed nothing.

- Bill, 75, AS; ...a bit of a jerk, once

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

April 18, 2008

From my experience... , I did a lot better when I 'gave up'. I focused on my own life and happiness almost excluding him. (well, truth be told, I did exclude him, mostly because he seemed to like it that way) It took the pressure off him. for a long time it seemed like nothing was happening and then ... things started to happen. Now I have a level of comfort in this relationship that makes it worthwhile. I think he does too. We NTs have to learn to STOP doing what we do to 'fix things' and give the AS person some space. I think the AS peeps can be totally shut down by NT responses that seem very threatening to them... and we don't understand because we don't mean to be this way. If you have anything at all valuable to you in this relationship, I would urge you to STOP doing anything (analyzing, plotting, planning, researching, etc. ) to change it now and practice being patient. janet zee, ,I was a CFO at a large organization that helped folks with Autism in St Louis and Mo. One of my best friends has 5 years of being on its board. After reading Maxine Aston's book NOW and after reading some of the Tony Attwood info and some of Bentley's book AND reading so many of your posts including those of the NT's I am finally REALLY gaining knowlege. AS definately seems invisible to me in the population at large. I agree with someone's post (not sure who said it). UNLESS it affects you directly, ie Totally disrupts your marriage, effects your children, or something huge, I don't think a person becomes aware. I even have another very good friend that is a Teacher in (what we call here) the special school system and she teaches kids (some of who have been identified with Autism). These people know of some of the situation with Nick, but they have not suggested Aspergers. I don't think they can put it together without LIVING it. Now that I have become aware, I have talked to one of these folks and she sees it well. I don't still know if my husband is reading any of these posts or not. I think not. He will probably keep burying his head in the sand. Tonite he did one of the typical things he does in his ANGER (SILENT REBELLION). When we lived in Northern Illiois he used to go find a bar or something or just disappear. I wouldn't have a clue where he would be. He'd turn off his phone, etc. I used to become very upset. Instead of talking to me about whatever our problems were, he would just hide. And so he did it again tonite. The difference tonite was I didn't call and try to find him, nor did I ask where he was when he showed up at 10. I figure he can call some of these shots himself. I used to beg him to talk. I used to beg him to stay home and figure things out. Not any more. WE are at the CRUNCH state, as Maxine Aston describes. In my words it's Shit or Get off the Pot stage. Figure it out and fix what you can in the relationship, or go separate ways. I've left the books out and told him he might find them enlightening. He is not looking at them. Again, the old hiding his head in the sand. Pointing his finger at me and telling me it is my problem not his. Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What "disease"? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion), I am relieved in reading so many stories about the lives of other people who have experienced somthing so similarly devasting to themselves as it has been for me. I can see where people may be able to find coping methods to help in interaction in a marriage if people are educated to what is really going on. As an NT with dreams of a totally fulfilling relationship, I still ask myself. Even if Nick gets diagnosed and accepts it, will we ever be able to have the fulfillling relationship that I had dreamed of. Probably not. But then again, could it still be wonderful for both of us. I don't know. I do know that whatever is happening now doesn't work. I know that most of my family and friends have no clue. I know that his family has buried their heads in the sand. That's just Nick. That's just my DAD. In my opinion that is a HUGE JUST. That is telling me that however he acts to you (CRUEL, UNLOVING, TOTALLY UNINTERESTED) is just a JUST and to me DEAL with it. Do they have a clue how my stomache hurts? Do they have a clue how many times I have thought of suicide? Do they care? It is invisible. And if the outside public doesn't understand it, the professionals don't understand it, how is the person with AS supposed to understand it. No wonder a person with AS can feel so much rage and anger at not being able to communicate, not feeling heard. It took me 3 years of knowing Nick to really start feeling anger. Now after 6 my anger has increased, subsided, increased etc. From time to time after feeling that absolutely no amount of discussion on my part, no amount of love, no amount of anything was sinking in, I felt an intense range. I started throwing things, a clock, a barometer. Something to get it out of my system. Did I thow it at him? No. Did I feel better after words? A little. A couple of days after I did that he told me quietly. Sandy, that is what my mother was talking about to me. He said he used to do these types of things as a kid? After I thought about that, I asked him if he was intentionally trying to hurt me so much that I would feel like he used to? Did he want me to feel the anger he felt inside (I knew he had anger and it was mostly directed at me...passively, agressively, manipulation, unkindnesses, etc., but I didn't know the cause) I used to accuse him of that. I used to think that he had been criticized so much as a kid by his father (He had told me that also) that he felt a tremendous amount of rage, and carried it with him in life. I thought his purpous in life was to get someone Kind like me, Fun like me, Loving People and Life like me, to BREAK down and become a person like him, raging at the world. Hurt. Broken. Feeling Crippled inside. I told him that he had succeeded. He got what he wanted. I totally felt that. So Gee, on some level I can certainly appreciate what it must feel like for a person like him. But, did I know that it was AS? NO. And, does he know that it is AS now? NO. Does his family? NO, Will they ever? Probably not. Will I? Yes. Thank you God for giving me a brain and the huge amount of curiousity that I have and the Huge amount of love I have/ had for this man that I continued to perserver to find an answer. Thank you Thank you. Will it help us as a couple? I don't know. Can an AS "fool" themselves? Yes. (And I certainly don't think it is intentional. It is because WE are not aware of the syndrome as a public. Thanks. I know A LOT OF WORDS.sandy Re: Re: Tonight on nightline- interesting, I fooled myself pretty well, I think: I did not fool everyone! Now, when I meet people who are a bit knowledgeable about autism, I wonder if they can tell. <msrpsilverlycos (DOT) com> wrote:I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually, the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running back Herschel is a man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.>Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

April 19, 2008

Ahh, Jennie That's how I used to think. Now I've been reading a bunch of information. Some of it talks about a person with AS having a certain perception of themselves and a huge resistance to change that perception, hence becoming hypersensitive to other peoples ideas (different than their own) would be criticism wouldn't it? If his perception is that he is totally normal (and he would be on an AS spectrum, but he hasn't educated himself yet) in the world, and someone suggests that he isn't, wouldn't that be taken as criticism?

Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

: Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What "disease"? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion),

Jennie: Yes this is shortsighted. If the things you have described him doing in various e-mails are an accurate representation of his actions then he either needs a diagnosis (which would give him a learning curve) or he's just being a jerk. In which case by saying he doesn't need a diagnosis he's requesting to be treated like he's a jerk who's intentional in his actions.

Of course that is my black and white opinion. LOL

Jennie AS

April 19, 2008

Hahaha. I have focused on him being a jerk for years. I do think there is something real here as for as AS. Thanks for that advice though!!!

Sandy

Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

Jennie Unknown wrote:> : Asking me what diagnosis I will have next week. What > "disease"? Very blind for someone with such intelligence (just my opinion),> > Jennie: Yes this is shortsighted. If the things you have described him > doing in various e-mails are an accurate representation of his actions > then he either needs a diagnosis (which would give him a learning curve) > or he's just being a jerk. In which case by saying he doesn't need a > diagnosis he's requesting to be treated like he's a jerk who's > intentional in his actions.> > Of course that is my black and white opinion. LOL> > Jennie ASI agree, and add my 2-cents:, focus on his "jerk"-ness. On him being an a**hole. *NOT* on the possibility he may be AS.Absolutely *no matter* what his dx may (or may not) be - it's his _behavior_ that's a problem. And you

cannot prima facie blame it on AS.Consider:1) Being a jerk is *not* part of the AS diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV). In fact, even by casual observation, most AS would have trouble being jerks if they tried. It's not part of the cognitive style.2) MOST male jerks are *not* AS. That's just statistics; there are far more non-AS than AS.And don't forget: In some cases the jerks been provoked into it. It takes Two to Tango more often than most want to believe.3) Whether or not he gets **any** dx, his behavior will _continue_ to be a problem for you. A dx, alone, doesn't change anything.All your own decisions should be based on tolerance (or not) of his current behavior. From your description it's simply UNACCEPTABLE!But *he* must change it; neither you nor a shrink is going to do it. Neither coercion nor your pleading is going to do it. It must come from *him*, inside!All that

said, LOTS of husbands on/off this List ARE (or have been) jerks. Some have changed; at least as many more have not.Merely having an AS dx (and pondering it) *has* helped a few to see the light and change; ...but for many more it's changed nothing.- Bill, 75, AS; ...a bit of a jerk, once-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home. earthlink. net/~wdloughman/ wdl.htm

April 19, 2008

So, you don't think I should keep researching AS? You don't think I should try to understand why some of the behavior may not be intentional? I am not ramming anything down his throat right now. We aren't talking about this at all. I have mostly been researching and venting to you all. Trying to understand if this is AS or not.

And I plan to go to the counselor by myself again next week and get his advice as to where to go from here.

Thanks Janet

Sandy

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Tonight on nightline- interesting

,

I fooled myself pretty well, I think: I did not fool everyone! Now, when I meet people who are a bit knowledgeable about autism, I wonder if they can tell.

<msrpsilverlycos (DOT) com> wrote:

I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually,

the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running back Herschel is a man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative

identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.>

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

April 19, 2008

Oh yeah,

And Janet you are right. I have given up on a lot of different issues and know that things worked better that way. And amazingly I've already learned some of the coping skills with Nick that are being suggested.

I hope you don't get the totally wrong idea here. There are many amazingly wonderful things about Nick that I do appreciate (and tell him about).

Sandy

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Tonight on nightline- interesting

,

I fooled myself pretty well, I think: I did not fool everyone! Now, when I meet people who are a bit knowledgeable about autism, I wonder if they can tell.

<msrpsilverlycos (DOT) com> wrote:

I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually,

the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running back Herschel is a man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative

identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.>

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April 19, 2008

Hi Sandy,Sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. I just want to encourage you that you are in the right place, and I do believe things will improve.I agree with both Bill and Janet. Much of what is hurting you isn't the direct result of AS, but maybe he has developed patterns of behavior that are hurtful to you. Maybe that behavior has gone unchecked or checked in such a way that he doesn't "get it." Attacking a person with AS is like hitting your mute button. With my own husband, who is capable of being a jerk at times, I usually have to wait for the moment to pass and then tell him that I felt embarrassed and disrespected when he did x. Because he loves me, he doesn't want to hurt me, and he responds. He might defend himself or dismiss it, but he, like many with Aspergers, will think about it even

though he doesn't appear to be thinking about it. He might come back to me about it a week later and apologize. I also can pretty much depend on his not doing that again. Ironically, I think his Aspergers makes him less of a jerk because there is a sincerity and often a gentleness ONCE he understands what happened. It's a long process and so working on one battle at a time is helpful. It is sooo much better than how we used to handle things and more effective.I also urge you to follow Janet's advise. I don't think she was telling you to stop your efforts to understand about Aspergers. I think she was just urging you to divide your energies and save enough for yourself. Many here have said how life improved once they assumed responsibility for their own happiness, in particular, nurture friendships and build companionship, attend events you're interested in with friends when he isn't interested.

There's a certain amount of solitude that many Aspergians find comfortable but that can be very isolating and depressing for an NT. Do something good for yourself.Daneka, who sees herself in every one of your posts

I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually,

the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running back Herschel is a man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative

identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.>

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April 19, 2008

thanks daneka

i have been trying to take care of myself for years

and will continue to do so

now i need an answer

maybe getting divorced and letting him figure it out is the best way

Re: Can a person with some degree of knowlege see a person who has AS? Not likely.

Hi Sandy,Sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. I just want to encourage you that you are in the right place, and I do believe things will improve.I agree with both Bill and Janet. Much of what is hurting you isn't the direct result of AS, but maybe he has developed patterns of behavior that are hurtful to you. Maybe that behavior has gone unchecked or checked in such a way that he doesn't "get it." Attacking a person with AS is like hitting your mute button. With my own husband, who is capable of being a jerk at times, I usually have to wait for the moment to pass and then tell him that I felt embarrassed and disrespected when he did x. Because he loves me, he doesn't want to hurt me, and he responds. He might defend himself or dismiss it, but he, like many with Aspergers, will think about it even though he doesn't appear to be thinking about it. He might come back to me

about it a week later and apologize. I also can pretty much depend on his not doing that again. Ironically, I think his Aspergers makes him less of a jerk because there is a sincerity and often a gentleness ONCE he understands what happened. It's a long process and so working on one battle at a time is helpful. It is sooo much better than how we used to handle things and more effective.I also urge you to follow Janet's advise. I don't think she was telling you to stop your efforts to understand about Aspergers. I think she was just urging you to divide your energies and save enough for yourself. Many here have said how life improved once they assumed responsibility for their own happiness, in particular, nurture friendships and build companionship, attend events you're interested in with friends when he isn't interested. There's a certain amount of solitude that many Aspergians find

comfortable but that can be very isolating and depressing for an NT. Do something good for yourself.Daneka, who sees herself in every one of your posts

I remember when was at the University of Georgia, and played on some really great UGa teams back in the early 80's (Vince Dooley was the coach at the time). Won the national championship one of those years (yeah I know, one of my co-workers is a diehard UGa fan). I was reading something on ESPN's on-line site and said how this one reporter thought was an excellent marketer and was just "trying to cover things up" and such. How does a person really cover up something like AS? After all, I did it for the first 40 years of my life. Eventually,

the past catches up with the present.>> Retired NFL running back Herschel is a man of many talents. The > 46-year-old won a Heisman trophy, competed in bobsled for the U.S. > Olympic team, and even performed with the Fort Worth Ballet. But in > his new book, "Breaking Free," he reveals his struggle with > dissociative

identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality > disorder. ABC's Bob Woodruff reports. Read more here and watch a sneak > peek. > > n.b. this is a link, but it did not stay, when I pasted it.>

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

April 19, 2008

i am 56 and there is absolutely no intimacy in my life physical or emotional...each of his last 3 long term relationships have ended in the women having affairs...i can see why...he just ignores us...and then turns around and acts like there is nothing wrong...he can attack and be critical one minute...turn his back on me..sit in his chair...do whatever on the computer..and when he is ready...want to go to dinner...the only thing we seem to do together..and even then watch everything going on in a restarant except me...and i remember how at one time all he could do was focus on me..i was an obsession..now i just live alone in the same house

he does things...good things for the household..or me...but that is all..just does things...never connects emotionally...we can never have a real discussion about anything...anything..and i am a deep thinker...we deal in facts and that is it...the weather...etc...who cares about the weather...the last time we attempted physical intimacy was last july..and we have no kids...so this is ridiculous...

he looks at me with eyes that i can see no expression in...he never feels my pain or joy...or that of others...

seems like i have worn out the patience of people here