Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

[Guest guest]

I wish someone had diagnosed me as a kid. Every time I got

close, the doctors got really hesitant because I'm a very mild case and

they felt the label would hinder my intelligence. I don't think

doctors are overdiagnosing... I think they're underdiagnosing.

This is my experience, and what I have learned to help me blend in

better with everyone else. I can't say it'll apply to all NDs,

but I have worked with quite a few NDs who I find function very similar

to me. I hope this helps. Sorry it is so long.

I was miserable at school, I didn't understand anyone, and no one

understood me. So I just read a lot. It really helped me

cope. That and looking up to characters in TV shows such as Star

Trek. Characters like Data, and his endless pursuit of what it

meant to be " human " , and Spock with his constant confusion about

people's lack of logic. I learned a lot through their interaction

with the other characters in the cast, and I think that's part of why

I'm so functional today. One of my first topics of interest was

psychology. It really helped to study that, since people really

do fall into templates. Then I moved on to religion, another big

thing in most people's lives. I kinda laughed the other day when

I realized I've just been reading up the dewey decimal system since.

But what hurts me most, and still does to this day, was the

arguments. I remember the endless arguments with the school (and

my family) over those unwritten rules that all the NT kids just

get. I used to get mad at them because all they needed to do was

give me a list and I would have been very happy to follow the

rules. Instead they kept telling me " you should know

better " . No one wanted to bother to write them all out for

me. They saw no good reason to. I can't tell you how many

times I had teachers and other adults make me cry by telling me I just

wasn't trying hard enough. Its not that I wasn't trying enough,

its just there were so many exceptions and derivations that I couldn't

guess them all out! I would have been much better off if I knew

what was " wrong " with me. Especially when people were yelling at

me and asking the rhetorical " What's WRONG with you!? " I used to

feel so bad that I couldn't make them happy the way they wanted me to

and not knowing why just made it all the more painful. Now I know

I just needed structure, plain and simple, and they wern't giving me

it.

I can't emphasize that enough: ND's need logical and consistant

structure. It doesn't have to be repetition, but it has to be

consistant. It took me a long time to realize that NTs just don't

work like that. They *love* exceptions, and they don't often

realize they're making exceptions either. This is important to

keep in mind especially when it comes to families with multiple

children, because the ND will expect the same pattern to be followed

for him as was followed for his older sibling, as well as the same

pattern they followed being required for a younger sibling. If it

isn't, the ND expects a logical explanation as to why the deviation is

occuring. " Because I said so " is just about the worst reason you

can give an ND. (I think the only mistake you can make that would

be worse would be showing your ND that you as a parental unit disagree

with each other. If you need to get on the same page with your

hubby, take him into another room and discuss it.) IMHO, the NT

parent should start by admitting that they don't have the same quality

of memory, and as a result you may do things differently from one child

to the next. That's another thing to emphasize: situation.

The situation will always be a major portion of why you do

something. The ND wants to know " why " everything is the way it

is, and sheltering the ND from those reasons (whether by not telling

them, or by not being fully honest) will cause them to have what I

refer to as a " conflict " . Us NDs arn't so good at resolving those

conflicts ourselves, so it has an effect similar to a kink in a bike

chain. You have to do everything possible to prevent those

conflicts, otherwise the chain will get so kinked the bike doesn't work

right anymore. When that happens, you'll see a lot of the odder

behaviors, like rocking and repeating something to oneself.

The way I fixed my problem was that I started making myself

rules. I call it my ND -> NT conversion program. Its

huge at this point - I couldn't even start to express all the rules,

heck, I don't even remember them until a situation comes up when I need

them... but without them I'd be absolutely and completely lost.

My rules help me make NT people's desires more logical and sensical to

myself, since I now understand it is not in their nature to do

so. (No offense to you NTs)

But then there are still things that are not in my control and they

sometimes aggravate me. For instance, (and this recently happened

to me) if you don't believe your ND about something, don't say they're

" lying " - say you don't agree or you don't believe it (because you're

not in their head and you can't know for sure if they're being

completely honest or not - NDs don't look at black vs. white they think

in many, many shades of grey. To insist they are just black or

just white can cause a conflict). Ask them to reconsider, make a

reasonable point about why you think they may not have it 100% correct

(like by saying, " Are you sure? What about xxx? " ). NDs are

very literal people, who may not always express their complex thoughts

correctly. It doesn't mean they're not telling the truth, it just

means they're forgetting to factor something in. I know it

probably sounds really strange, but I have so many thoughts bouncing

around my head, and they're not in words, so expressing all of them

combined in the form of words and not missing one can be downright

impossible sometimes.

On another note, I was reading just the other day that one of the major

differences between the NT and ND brains is the lack of a reward-based

motivation system. The article made it out to sound bad, but I

couldn't help thinking: Wouldn't this world be great if everyone were

ND? If everyone cared more for the betterment of mankind than

their own personal gain? I'm happy I have Asperger's. I

don't view it as a bad thing at all. But I do wish other people

would be more understanding of my dependance on knowing why, and the

fact that I'm not too great at figuring out all the applications,

exceptions and deviations of the rules. I'm sure NTs wish the

opposite about me... I tend to tell everyone the how and why when they

only want to know what they need to do and nothing more. To me,

that's like driving blind. I'm still learning to respect the NT

desire to do so.

I think it would help your hubby if you prevent yourself from referring

to Aspergers as a problem. (Males seem to take this as an attack

on their genetics.) The best way I can explain it to others is in

terms of a computer search engine. One type of search engine is a

" fuzzy " match, meaning anything close will come back. So if you

look for " land " , you'll also get things such as " grassland, landmass,

bland, landing " . Another is an " exact " match, so if you look for

" land " you get " land " and nothing else. The NT uses fuzzy logic,

the ND uses exact logic. While this may seem inconvenient to you

NTs, it allows us NDs to store vast amounts of information. This

is because the fuzzy search gets really process intensive. If an

ND were to execute a fuzzy search, it would take far longer for them to

find the desired result because they have so much data, and once all

the data is accessed, they still have to sift through it all to figure

out what you meant. This is why being ND can be so

frustrating. It is in no way " bad " , if anything, it is the very

reason the ND is so smart. (Which should help with your hubby's

ego, since he produced such an exceptional child!)

Some more food for thought: NDs arn't new. Yes, they're much

better at labeling us nowadays, but it doesn't mean we didn't exist

before the label showed up. Before education became widespread,

only the most exceptional (or rich) were schooled. Those

exceptional people became scholars who were looked up to because they

were so wise, albeit a bit eccentric. Most of them were known to

obsess about their area of expertise. Sound familiar?

Nowadays the education system is catered to the weakest link in the

chain, and the scholars are pretty much forgotten about. Worse,

they can end up being persecuted for not being like all the other links

in the chain, because they can become downright inconvenient to

teachers, since they're constantly asking questions that are too

involved. The answers to those questions may confuse the rest of

the kids in the class, thus the teacher prefers not to answer at

all. This is yet another important thing for the Aspie to

accept. It is best to ask those questions after class, in a

one-on-one with the teacher.

Wow, I've practically written a book. I think I'll stop now.

-Lana

[Guest guest]

There is a website that has bios of famous people in the movie

industry. On Spielberg's bio, it says he was diagnosed with

aspergers syndrome. This site had nothing whatsoever to do with

autism. I have read it mentioned in books as a fact that he freely

admits.

As for Bill Gates, I have read that it is assumed he is based on how

he acts but he has never admitted it. It is only an assumption as

far as I am aware.

> > > >>

> > > >> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was

> > diagnosed

> > > >> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> > > >> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that

she

> > > >> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> > > >> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not

have

> > > > to

> > > >> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just

> > needs

> > > >> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up

on the

> > > >> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels

> > doctors

> > > >> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the

insurance

> > > >> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I

am

> > just

> > > >> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have

three

> > > >> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show

any

> > > >> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever

they

> > > >> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will

put

> > them

> > > >> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive,

loving

> > > >> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He

is

> > > >> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> > > >> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> > > >> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he

doesn't

> > > >> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has

a

> > > >> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you

think

> > > > she

> > > >> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs

to be

> > > >> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in

the

> > > >> reprimanding process?

> > > >> Sincerely,

> > > >>

> > > >>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

My husband refuses to admit I have a problem with my eyesight. I

have been wearing glasses for 25 years and without them considered

legally blind but he claims I just don't concentrate well enough to

focus. It is really irritating.

> >>

> >> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was

diagnosed

> >> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> >> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> >> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> >> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

> > to

> >> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just

needs

> >> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> >> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

> >> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> >> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am

just

> >> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> >> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> >> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> >> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put

them

> >> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> >> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> >> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> >> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> >> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> >> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> >> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

> > she

> >> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> >> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> >> reprimanding process?

> >> Sincerely,

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Debs in Bama,

My sig. other is like that. He is very involved in my son's life,

and spends every weekend with us. (Sandis is six and diagnosed pdd-

nos). Bob insisted that Sandis was a normal little boy and was

willfully being disobedient and it was a discipline issue. After

several months, while in a phone call with his mom, he got ticked off

when she told him he was just a normal little boy. He called me

after the phone conversation and told me about it, and said he

finally thought he understands how i've felt when he's told me the

same thing. He realized that what really works for Sandis is not the

standard cocktail of discipline, and it isn't anything you will learn

in a parenting book. What works for Sandis are pictures and visual

schedules, and lots of sensory stimulation (deep pressure, spinning,

brushing, etc.) He finally realized that the solutions are so much

idfferent from other kids, and he defended sandis's diagnosis. It was

huge for us!

mom of Sandis age 6 PDD-NOS and ADHD-NOS

and Gracie age 3-1/2 type 1 diabetes, joint laxity, and developmental

delays

> >>

> >> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was

diagnosed

> >> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> >> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> >> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> >> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

> > to

> >> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just

needs

> >> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> >> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

> >> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> >> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am

just

> >> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> >> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> >> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> >> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put

them

> >> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> >> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> >> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> >> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> >> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> >> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> >> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

> > she

> >> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> >> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> >> reprimanding process?

> >> Sincerely,

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I don't know why this post made me think to mention this book:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries

Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism " by Dr. Temple Grandin &

Barron. I'm glad I read it. It gave me a look at how my son

thinks. I just thought I'd share this with you all.

>

> I wish someone had diagnosed me as a kid. Every time I got

close, the

> doctors got really hesitant because I'm a very mild case and they

felt the

> label would hinder my intelligence. I don't think doctors are

> overdiagnosing... I think they're underdiagnosing.

>

> This is my experience, and what I have learned to help me blend in

better

> with everyone else. I can't say it'll apply to all NDs, but I

have worked

> with quite a few NDs who I find function very similar to me. I

hope this

> helps. Sorry it is so long.

>

>

> I was miserable at school, I didn't understand anyone, and no one

understood

> me. So I just read a lot. It really helped me cope. That and

looking up

> to characters in TV shows such as Star Trek. Characters like

Data, and his

> endless pursuit of what it meant to be " human " , and Spock with his

constant

> confusion about people's lack of logic. I learned a lot through

their

> interaction with the other characters in the cast, and I think

that's part

> of why I'm so functional today. One of my first topics of

interest was

> psychology. It really helped to study that, since people really

do fall

> into templates. Then I moved on to religion, another big thing in

most

> people's lives. I kinda laughed the other day when I realized

I've just

> been reading up the dewey decimal system since.

>

> But what hurts me most, and still does to this day, was the

arguments. I

> remember the endless arguments with the school (and my family)

over those

> unwritten rules that all the NT kids just get. I used to get mad

at them

> because all they needed to do was give me a list and I would have

been very

> happy to follow the rules. Instead they kept telling me " you

should know

> better " . No one wanted to bother to write them all out for me.

They saw no

> good reason to. I can't tell you how many times I had teachers

and other

> adults make me cry by telling me I just wasn't trying hard

enough. Its not

> that I wasn't trying enough, its just there were so many

exceptions and

> derivations that I couldn't guess them all out! I would have been

much

> better off if I knew what was " wrong " with me. Especially when

people were

> yelling at me and asking the rhetorical " What's WRONG with you!? "

I used to

> feel so bad that I couldn't make them happy the way they wanted me

to and

> not knowing why just made it all the more painful. Now I know I

just needed

> structure, plain and simple, and they wern't giving me it.

>

> I can't emphasize that enough: ND's need logical and consistant

structure.

> It doesn't have to be repetition, but it has to be consistant. It

took me a

> long time to realize that NTs just don't work like that. They

*love*

> exceptions, and they don't often realize they're making exceptions

either.

> This is important to keep in mind especially when it comes to

families with

> multiple children, because the ND will expect the same pattern to

be

> followed for him as was followed for his older sibling, as well as

the same

> pattern they followed being required for a younger sibling. If it

isn't,

> the ND expects a logical explanation as to why the deviation is

occuring.

> " Because I said so " is just about the worst reason you can give an

ND. (I

> think the only mistake you can make that would be worse would be

showing

> your ND that you as a parental unit disagree with each other. If

you need

> to get on the same page with your hubby, take him into another

room and

> discuss it.) IMHO, the NT parent should start by admitting that

they don't

> have the same quality of memory, and as a result you may do things

> differently from one child to the next. That's another thing to

emphasize:

> situation. The situation will always be a major portion of why

you do

> something. The ND wants to know " why " everything is the way it

is, and

> sheltering the ND from those reasons (whether by not telling them,

or by not

> being fully honest) will cause them to have what I refer to as a

> " conflict " . Us NDs arn't so good at resolving those conflicts

ourselves, so

> it has an effect similar to a kink in a bike chain. You have to do

> everything possible to prevent those conflicts, otherwise the

chain will get

> so kinked the bike doesn't work right anymore. When that happens,

you'll

> see a lot of the odder behaviors, like rocking and repeating

something to

> oneself.

>

> The way I fixed my problem was that I started making myself

rules. I call

> it my ND -> NT conversion program. Its huge at this point - I

couldn't even

> start to express all the rules, heck, I don't even remember them

until a

> situation comes up when I need them... but without them I'd be

absolutely

> and completely lost. My rules help me make NT people's desires

more logical

> and sensical to myself, since I now understand it is not in their

nature to

> do so. (No offense to you NTs)

>

> But then there are still things that are not in my control and they

> sometimes aggravate me. For instance, (and this recently happened

to me) if

> you don't believe your ND about something, don't say

they're " lying " - say

> you don't agree or you don't believe it (because you're not in

their head

> and you can't know for sure if they're being completely honest or

not - NDs

> don't look at black vs. white they think in many, many shades of

grey. To

> insist they are just black or just white can cause a conflict).

Ask them to

> reconsider, make a reasonable point about why you think they may

not have it

> 100% correct (like by saying, " Are you sure? What about xxx? " ).

NDs are

> very literal people, who may not always express their complex

thoughts

> correctly. It doesn't mean they're not telling the truth, it just

means

> they're forgetting to factor something in. I know it probably

sounds really

> strange, but I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head, and

they're

> not in words, so expressing all of them combined in the form of

words and

> not missing one can be downright impossible sometimes.

>

> On another note, I was reading just the other day that one of the

major

> differences between the NT and ND brains is the lack of a reward-

based

> motivation system. The article made it out to sound bad, but I

couldn't

> help thinking: Wouldn't this world be great if everyone were ND?

If

> everyone cared more for the betterment of mankind than their own

personal

> gain? I'm happy I have Asperger's. I don't view it as a bad

thing at all.

> But I do wish other people would be more understanding of my

dependance on

> knowing why, and the fact that I'm not too great at figuring out

all the

> applications, exceptions and deviations of the rules. I'm sure

NTs wish the

> opposite about me... I tend to tell everyone the how and why when

they only

> want to know what they need to do and nothing more. To me, that's

like

> driving blind. I'm still learning to respect the NT desire to do

so.

>

> I think it would help your hubby if you prevent yourself from

referring to

> Aspergers as a problem. (Males seem to take this as an attack on

their

> genetics.) The best way I can explain it to others is in terms of

a

> computer search engine. One type of search engine is a " fuzzy "

match,

> meaning anything close will come back. So if you look for " land " ,

you'll

> also get things such as " grassland, landmass, bland, landing " .

Another is

> an " exact " match, so if you look for " land " you get " land " and

nothing

> else. The NT uses fuzzy logic, the ND uses exact logic. While

this may

> seem inconvenient to you NTs, it allows us NDs to store vast

amounts of

> information. This is because the fuzzy search gets really process

> intensive. If an ND were to execute a fuzzy search, it would take

far

> longer for them to find the desired result because they have so

much data,

> and once all the data is accessed, they still have to sift through

it all to

> figure out what you meant. This is why being ND can be so

frustrating. It

> is in no way " bad " , if anything, it is the very reason the ND is

so smart.

> (Which should help with your hubby's ego, since he produced such an

> exceptional child!)

>

> Some more food for thought: NDs arn't new. Yes, they're much

better at

> labeling us nowadays, but it doesn't mean we didn't exist before

the label

> showed up. Before education became widespread, only the most

exceptional

> (or rich) were schooled. Those exceptional people became scholars

who were

> looked up to because they were so wise, albeit a bit eccentric.

Most of

> them were known to obsess about their area of expertise. Sound

familiar?

> Nowadays the education system is catered to the weakest link in

the chain,

> and the scholars are pretty much forgotten about. Worse, they can

end up

> being persecuted for not being like all the other links in the

chain,

> because they can become downright inconvenient to teachers, since

they're

> constantly asking questions that are too involved. The answers to

those

> questions may confuse the rest of the kids in the class, thus the

teacher

> prefers not to answer at all. This is yet another important thing

for the

> Aspie to accept. It is best to ask those questions after class,

in a

> one-on-one with the teacher.

>

> Wow, I've practically written a book. I think I'll stop now.

>

> -Lana

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. You put into words what I have always felt. I too wish I was

diagnosed as a kid but sometimes I wonder if the diagnosis at that

time would have caused them (school) to treat me different as if I

couldn't learn. Growing up not knowing what was wrong with me was a

hard way to go but the end result is I was not put in special ed

which could have hindered my ability to learn what is necessary to

function academically.

I got from the context what ND means but what exactly are the

initials for?

>

> I wish someone had diagnosed me as a kid. Every time I got close,

the

> doctors got really hesitant because I'm a very mild case and they

felt the

> label would hinder my intelligence. I don't think doctors are

> overdiagnosing... I think they're underdiagnosing.

>

> This is my experience, and what I have learned to help me blend in

better

> with everyone else. I can't say it'll apply to all NDs, but I have

worked

> with quite a few NDs who I find function very similar to me. I

hope this

> helps. Sorry it is so long.

>

>

> I was miserable at school, I didn't understand anyone, and no one

understood

> me. So I just read a lot. It really helped me cope. That and

looking up

> to characters in TV shows such as Star Trek. Characters like Data,

and his

> endless pursuit of what it meant to be " human " , and Spock with his

constant

> confusion about people's lack of logic. I learned a lot through

their

> interaction with the other characters in the cast, and I think

that's part

> of why I'm so functional today. One of my first topics of interest

was

> psychology. It really helped to study that, since people really do

fall

> into templates. Then I moved on to religion, another big thing in

most

> people's lives. I kinda laughed the other day when I realized I've

just

> been reading up the dewey decimal system since.

>

> But what hurts me most, and still does to this day, was the

arguments. I

> remember the endless arguments with the school (and my family) over

those

> unwritten rules that all the NT kids just get. I used to get mad

at them

> because all they needed to do was give me a list and I would have

been very

> happy to follow the rules. Instead they kept telling me " you

should know

> better " . No one wanted to bother to write them all out for me.

They saw no

> good reason to. I can't tell you how many times I had teachers and

other

> adults make me cry by telling me I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Its not

> that I wasn't trying enough, its just there were so many exceptions

and

> derivations that I couldn't guess them all out! I would have been

much

> better off if I knew what was " wrong " with me. Especially when

people were

> yelling at me and asking the rhetorical " What's WRONG with you!? "

I used to

> feel so bad that I couldn't make them happy the way they wanted me

to and

> not knowing why just made it all the more painful. Now I know I

just needed

> structure, plain and simple, and they wern't giving me it.

>

> I can't emphasize that enough: ND's need logical and consistant

structure.

> It doesn't have to be repetition, but it has to be consistant. It

took me a

> long time to realize that NTs just don't work like that. They

*love*

> exceptions, and they don't often realize they're making exceptions

either.

> This is important to keep in mind especially when it comes to

families with

> multiple children, because the ND will expect the same pattern to be

> followed for him as was followed for his older sibling, as well as

the same

> pattern they followed being required for a younger sibling. If it

isn't,

> the ND expects a logical explanation as to why the deviation is

occuring.

> " Because I said so " is just about the worst reason you can give an

ND. (I

> think the only mistake you can make that would be worse would be

showing

> your ND that you as a parental unit disagree with each other. If

you need

> to get on the same page with your hubby, take him into another room

and

> discuss it.) IMHO, the NT parent should start by admitting that

they don't

> have the same quality of memory, and as a result you may do things

> differently from one child to the next. That's another thing to

emphasize:

> situation. The situation will always be a major portion of why you

do

> something. The ND wants to know " why " everything is the way it is,

and

> sheltering the ND from those reasons (whether by not telling them,

or by not

> being fully honest) will cause them to have what I refer to as a

> " conflict " . Us NDs arn't so good at resolving those conflicts

ourselves, so

> it has an effect similar to a kink in a bike chain. You have to do

> everything possible to prevent those conflicts, otherwise the chain

will get

> so kinked the bike doesn't work right anymore. When that happens,

you'll

> see a lot of the odder behaviors, like rocking and repeating

something to

> oneself.

>

> The way I fixed my problem was that I started making myself rules.

I call

> it my ND -> NT conversion program. Its huge at this point - I

couldn't even

> start to express all the rules, heck, I don't even remember them

until a

> situation comes up when I need them... but without them I'd be

absolutely

> and completely lost. My rules help me make NT people's desires

more logical

> and sensical to myself, since I now understand it is not in their

nature to

> do so. (No offense to you NTs)

>

> But then there are still things that are not in my control and they

> sometimes aggravate me. For instance, (and this recently happened

to me) if

> you don't believe your ND about something, don't say

they're " lying " - say

> you don't agree or you don't believe it (because you're not in

their head

> and you can't know for sure if they're being completely honest or

not - NDs

> don't look at black vs. white they think in many, many shades of

grey. To

> insist they are just black or just white can cause a conflict).

Ask them to

> reconsider, make a reasonable point about why you think they may

not have it

> 100% correct (like by saying, " Are you sure? What about xxx? " ).

NDs are

> very literal people, who may not always express their complex

thoughts

> correctly. It doesn't mean they're not telling the truth, it just

means

> they're forgetting to factor something in. I know it probably

sounds really

> strange, but I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head, and

they're

> not in words, so expressing all of them combined in the form of

words and

> not missing one can be downright impossible sometimes.

>

> On another note, I was reading just the other day that one of the

major

> differences between the NT and ND brains is the lack of a reward-

based

> motivation system. The article made it out to sound bad, but I

couldn't

> help thinking: Wouldn't this world be great if everyone were ND? If

> everyone cared more for the betterment of mankind than their own

personal

> gain? I'm happy I have Asperger's. I don't view it as a bad thing

at all.

> But I do wish other people would be more understanding of my

dependance on

> knowing why, and the fact that I'm not too great at figuring out

all the

> applications, exceptions and deviations of the rules. I'm sure NTs

wish the

> opposite about me... I tend to tell everyone the how and why when

they only

> want to know what they need to do and nothing more. To me, that's

like

> driving blind. I'm still learning to respect the NT desire to do

so.

>

> I think it would help your hubby if you prevent yourself from

referring to

> Aspergers as a problem. (Males seem to take this as an attack on

their

> genetics.) The best way I can explain it to others is in terms of a

> computer search engine. One type of search engine is a " fuzzy "

match,

> meaning anything close will come back. So if you look for " land " ,

you'll

> also get things such as " grassland, landmass, bland, landing " .

Another is

> an " exact " match, so if you look for " land " you get " land " and

nothing

> else. The NT uses fuzzy logic, the ND uses exact logic. While

this may

> seem inconvenient to you NTs, it allows us NDs to store vast

amounts of

> information. This is because the fuzzy search gets really process

> intensive. If an ND were to execute a fuzzy search, it would take

far

> longer for them to find the desired result because they have so

much data,

> and once all the data is accessed, they still have to sift through

it all to

> figure out what you meant. This is why being ND can be so

frustrating. It

> is in no way " bad " , if anything, it is the very reason the ND is so

smart.

> (Which should help with your hubby's ego, since he produced such an

> exceptional child!)

>

> Some more food for thought: NDs arn't new. Yes, they're much

better at

> labeling us nowadays, but it doesn't mean we didn't exist before

the label

> showed up. Before education became widespread, only the most

exceptional

> (or rich) were schooled. Those exceptional people became scholars

who were

> looked up to because they were so wise, albeit a bit eccentric.

Most of

> them were known to obsess about their area of expertise. Sound

familiar?

> Nowadays the education system is catered to the weakest link in the

chain,

> and the scholars are pretty much forgotten about. Worse, they can

end up

> being persecuted for not being like all the other links in the

chain,

> because they can become downright inconvenient to teachers, since

they're

> constantly asking questions that are too involved. The answers to

those

> questions may confuse the rest of the kids in the class, thus the

teacher

> prefers not to answer at all. This is yet another important thing

for the

> Aspie to accept. It is best to ask those questions after class, in

a

> one-on-one with the teacher.

>

> Wow, I've practically written a book. I think I'll stop now.

>

> -Lana

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. You put into words what I have always felt. I too wish I was

diagnosed as a kid but sometimes I wonder if the diagnosis at that

time would have caused them (school) to treat me different as if I

couldn't learn. Growing up not knowing what was wrong with me was a

hard way to go but the end result is I was not put in special ed

which could have hindered my ability to learn what is necessary to

function academically.

I got from the context what ND means but what exactly are the

initials for?

>

> I wish someone had diagnosed me as a kid. Every time I got close,

the

> doctors got really hesitant because I'm a very mild case and they

felt the

> label would hinder my intelligence. I don't think doctors are

> overdiagnosing... I think they're underdiagnosing.

>

> This is my experience, and what I have learned to help me blend in

better

> with everyone else. I can't say it'll apply to all NDs, but I have

worked

> with quite a few NDs who I find function very similar to me. I

hope this

> helps. Sorry it is so long.

>

>

> I was miserable at school, I didn't understand anyone, and no one

understood

> me. So I just read a lot. It really helped me cope. That and

looking up

> to characters in TV shows such as Star Trek. Characters like Data,

and his

> endless pursuit of what it meant to be " human " , and Spock with his

constant

> confusion about people's lack of logic. I learned a lot through

their

> interaction with the other characters in the cast, and I think

that's part

> of why I'm so functional today. One of my first topics of interest

was

> psychology. It really helped to study that, since people really do

fall

> into templates. Then I moved on to religion, another big thing in

most

> people's lives. I kinda laughed the other day when I realized I've

just

> been reading up the dewey decimal system since.

>

> But what hurts me most, and still does to this day, was the

arguments. I

> remember the endless arguments with the school (and my family) over

those

> unwritten rules that all the NT kids just get. I used to get mad

at them

> because all they needed to do was give me a list and I would have

been very

> happy to follow the rules. Instead they kept telling me " you

should know

> better " . No one wanted to bother to write them all out for me.

They saw no

> good reason to. I can't tell you how many times I had teachers and

other

> adults make me cry by telling me I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Its not

> that I wasn't trying enough, its just there were so many exceptions

and

> derivations that I couldn't guess them all out! I would have been

much

> better off if I knew what was " wrong " with me. Especially when

people were

> yelling at me and asking the rhetorical " What's WRONG with you!? "

I used to

> feel so bad that I couldn't make them happy the way they wanted me

to and

> not knowing why just made it all the more painful. Now I know I

just needed

> structure, plain and simple, and they wern't giving me it.

>

> I can't emphasize that enough: ND's need logical and consistant

structure.

> It doesn't have to be repetition, but it has to be consistant. It

took me a

> long time to realize that NTs just don't work like that. They

*love*

> exceptions, and they don't often realize they're making exceptions

either.

> This is important to keep in mind especially when it comes to

families with

> multiple children, because the ND will expect the same pattern to be

> followed for him as was followed for his older sibling, as well as

the same

> pattern they followed being required for a younger sibling. If it

isn't,

> the ND expects a logical explanation as to why the deviation is

occuring.

> " Because I said so " is just about the worst reason you can give an

ND. (I

> think the only mistake you can make that would be worse would be

showing

> your ND that you as a parental unit disagree with each other. If

you need

> to get on the same page with your hubby, take him into another room

and

> discuss it.) IMHO, the NT parent should start by admitting that

they don't

> have the same quality of memory, and as a result you may do things

> differently from one child to the next. That's another thing to

emphasize:

> situation. The situation will always be a major portion of why you

do

> something. The ND wants to know " why " everything is the way it is,

and

> sheltering the ND from those reasons (whether by not telling them,

or by not

> being fully honest) will cause them to have what I refer to as a

> " conflict " . Us NDs arn't so good at resolving those conflicts

ourselves, so

> it has an effect similar to a kink in a bike chain. You have to do

> everything possible to prevent those conflicts, otherwise the chain

will get

> so kinked the bike doesn't work right anymore. When that happens,

you'll

> see a lot of the odder behaviors, like rocking and repeating

something to

> oneself.

>

> The way I fixed my problem was that I started making myself rules.

I call

> it my ND -> NT conversion program. Its huge at this point - I

couldn't even

> start to express all the rules, heck, I don't even remember them

until a

> situation comes up when I need them... but without them I'd be

absolutely

> and completely lost. My rules help me make NT people's desires

more logical

> and sensical to myself, since I now understand it is not in their

nature to

> do so. (No offense to you NTs)

>

> But then there are still things that are not in my control and they

> sometimes aggravate me. For instance, (and this recently happened

to me) if

> you don't believe your ND about something, don't say

they're " lying " - say

> you don't agree or you don't believe it (because you're not in

their head

> and you can't know for sure if they're being completely honest or

not - NDs

> don't look at black vs. white they think in many, many shades of

grey. To

> insist they are just black or just white can cause a conflict).

Ask them to

> reconsider, make a reasonable point about why you think they may

not have it

> 100% correct (like by saying, " Are you sure? What about xxx? " ).

NDs are

> very literal people, who may not always express their complex

thoughts

> correctly. It doesn't mean they're not telling the truth, it just

means

> they're forgetting to factor something in. I know it probably

sounds really

> strange, but I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head, and

they're

> not in words, so expressing all of them combined in the form of

words and

> not missing one can be downright impossible sometimes.

>

> On another note, I was reading just the other day that one of the

major

> differences between the NT and ND brains is the lack of a reward-

based

> motivation system. The article made it out to sound bad, but I

couldn't

> help thinking: Wouldn't this world be great if everyone were ND? If

> everyone cared more for the betterment of mankind than their own

personal

> gain? I'm happy I have Asperger's. I don't view it as a bad thing

at all.

> But I do wish other people would be more understanding of my

dependance on

> knowing why, and the fact that I'm not too great at figuring out

all the

> applications, exceptions and deviations of the rules. I'm sure NTs

wish the

> opposite about me... I tend to tell everyone the how and why when

they only

> want to know what they need to do and nothing more. To me, that's

like

> driving blind. I'm still learning to respect the NT desire to do

so.

>

> I think it would help your hubby if you prevent yourself from

referring to

> Aspergers as a problem. (Males seem to take this as an attack on

their

> genetics.) The best way I can explain it to others is in terms of a

> computer search engine. One type of search engine is a " fuzzy "

match,

> meaning anything close will come back. So if you look for " land " ,

you'll

> also get things such as " grassland, landmass, bland, landing " .

Another is

> an " exact " match, so if you look for " land " you get " land " and

nothing

> else. The NT uses fuzzy logic, the ND uses exact logic. While

this may

> seem inconvenient to you NTs, it allows us NDs to store vast

amounts of

> information. This is because the fuzzy search gets really process

> intensive. If an ND were to execute a fuzzy search, it would take

far

> longer for them to find the desired result because they have so

much data,

> and once all the data is accessed, they still have to sift through

it all to

> figure out what you meant. This is why being ND can be so

frustrating. It

> is in no way " bad " , if anything, it is the very reason the ND is so

smart.

> (Which should help with your hubby's ego, since he produced such an

> exceptional child!)

>

> Some more food for thought: NDs arn't new. Yes, they're much

better at

> labeling us nowadays, but it doesn't mean we didn't exist before

the label

> showed up. Before education became widespread, only the most

exceptional

> (or rich) were schooled. Those exceptional people became scholars

who were

> looked up to because they were so wise, albeit a bit eccentric.

Most of

> them were known to obsess about their area of expertise. Sound

familiar?

> Nowadays the education system is catered to the weakest link in the

chain,

> and the scholars are pretty much forgotten about. Worse, they can

end up

> being persecuted for not being like all the other links in the

chain,

> because they can become downright inconvenient to teachers, since

they're

> constantly asking questions that are too involved. The answers to

those

> questions may confuse the rest of the kids in the class, thus the

teacher

> prefers not to answer at all. This is yet another important thing

for the

> Aspie to accept. It is best to ask those questions after class, in

a

> one-on-one with the teacher.

>

> Wow, I've practically written a book. I think I'll stop now.

>

> -Lana

>

[Guest guest]

,

Neuro-Deviant.

-Lana

I got from the context what ND means but what exactly are theinitials for?

[Guest guest]

,

>>I got from the context what ND means but what exactly are the

initials for?<<

neuro-diverse, meaning anyone whose brain is a bit different. It brings

under one umbrella ASD, ADHD, dyslexia etc

in England