Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

[Guest guest]

My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to

be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she

has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

reprimanding process?

Sincerely,

[Guest guest]

Hi IMO, men (husbands) tend to take any kind of medical issues personally. In our case it is something he has no control over and in a "manly" way to him it is an insult because he can't fix it. It has taken a long time to get my husband to somewhat understand. I also have an older and younger child that show no signs of AS like our middle child. I don't think he will ever fully understand things because he does not do any reasearch or read books like I do but I am always telling him about everything I read, about post on groups, local support meetings, resaerch studies, ways our other kids do things in comparison to him, etc. I think things I say might finally be sinking in because tonight he said " This morning the radio personalities were talking about that couple that was removed from the plane because of the 2yo child that would not calm down" he

continued to say that they were making comments that the child needed discipline, a good butt spanking, etc... And he said it made him MAD. It was never stated if that child had a disability like autism but He said that could of been our son.. They have no clue what that kind of discipline can do to a child with autism. I am sure if my husband wasn't so reserved with other people he would have called the radio station. It did make me very proud that he has been listening to what I say even though sometimes he does mock to some extent. But then again, I think its just his way of coping. Give your hubby some time and keep giving him information even if you think he is not listening. Some of it will sink in and he will find out how to cope in his own way. Trisha l_wheeles <l_wheeles@...> wrote: My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors are

over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be more understanding of her needs, and

still stay involved in the reprimanding process?Sincerely,

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[Guest guest]

, My daughter wasn't diagnosed until 12 years old, so you can

imagine the mistakes we've made. I would try to get in with a

professional that can talk to him. Try to find someone he respects.

I would also suggest getting books on the subject. We tried

punishments when our daughter didn't listen, we tried all kinds of

negative reinforcement, NOTHING worked!! Your husband may have to

find out the hard way, and, yes, she may be more difficult to deal

with over time.

The other thing I wanted to mention, is that it is difficult for

everyone to agree. Many parents find it difficult to differentiate

between enabling our children, and chalking it up to the disorder.

By the way, ever since my daughter was diagnosed,my husband

usually steps back and lets me reprimand her. If he reprimands her,

or I ask for help, she usually ends up in a meltdown..

Our lives our complicated and with siblings it can even get more

tough...It's what makes our lives so difficult...I hope that this

helps you..

>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

to

> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> reprimanding process?

> Sincerely,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I completely understand what you are going through. My husband was anti meds for a long time. It took him time to realize this was the best thing for our son. I had him come with me to school meeting so he could see how much he was improving. Be patient, you are doing the right thing for your daughter. l_wheeles <l_wheeles@...> wrote: My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a disability and that she is just a normal kid. He

feels that she just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the reprimanding process?Sincerely,Ally

Don't be flakey. Get for Mobile and always stay connected to friends.

[Guest guest]

Setup an appointment with one of your daughter's

doctors that understands all her issues (whether it be

the diagnosing doctor or primary.) Have your husband

go with you (no kids if possible.) Hack it out there

with the doctor explaining everything. When you make

the appointment make sure to let them know you will

need an extended office visit in order to discuss

everything. No matter what your husband might not

listen to you, but I bet he will listen to a doctor

that has a ton of education and more authority on

disabilities. Sometimes people really want their

children to be 'normal' and try so hard to make them

that way. Perhaps this is where your husband is

coming from. My psychiatrist and I were joking around

about similar male-female interactions and she said

that if she wanted her husband to accept something

without question she will tell him she heard it on

NPR. I know my husband feels I have motivation to

convince him to believe what I want him to, but a

third party doesn't have that motivation (like a

doctor.) When he told me that I understood where he

was coming from. Tell your husband he either goes to

the appointment and can help decide how to

discipline/medicate or does everything your way

without comment. In doing this both you and your

husband are going to have to be open to what the

doctor tells you regarding your daughters needs. My

husband and I still disagree about things concerning

our son, but we are one the same page when it comes to

understanding his special needs. Hopefully this

approach will work for you. Relationship stress is

huge when you add a child that has different needs

than your other children. Good luck and hang in

there!

Angie

--- l_wheeles <l_wheeles@...> wrote:

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who

> was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think

> it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He

> feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she

> can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she

> did not have to

> be either, but does not function at all without it)

> and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to

> read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He

> feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of

> the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand

> that I am just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we

> have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do

> not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However,

> whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or

> I will put them

> on medication. My husband normally is a very

> sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this

> subject. He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other

> social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid

> that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her.

> If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says

> " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants

> because you think she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he

> needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay

> involved in the

> reprimanding process?

> Sincerely,

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I

have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not

believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.

Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem

with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.

I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have

always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying

anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say

anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying

that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find

it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues

are due to not paying attention, lack of respect, manipulation and

laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.

Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the

realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a

child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am

also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband

or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more

validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he

is " normal " ). This just made him angry. To this day he will not

admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.

When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first

thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I

went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that

he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I reminded him

of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is

my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st

grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled

in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia

(and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty

putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove

understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the

time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to

a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just

laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were

no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't

read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,

I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but always

felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was

just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my

struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was

a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no

future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in

retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store

manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college

but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my

early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to

the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My

problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to

understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to

overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have

been afflicted with just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able

to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I

set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my

room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started

volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading

aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without

doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career

(accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is

all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.

Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do

but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what

it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a

visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was

never tempted to use my diagnosis as an excuse for what I did wrong.

Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has

worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let

you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many

stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is

just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.

>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

to

> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> reprimanding process?

> Sincerely,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I have been down this road before. Maybe a little differently but it

was awful and I know what you are going through. And it's not easy

saying things about your spouse but desperatley seeking advice proves

you are wanting help. I don't know of how much help I can be and I

hope I haven't lost you by saying so. To know your not alone also

helps and for the most part you will learn more from others here and

this alone will inspire you.

See below my comments under yours.

>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid.

****MY husband is the one that pointed out my son had a problem, when

we got diagnosis of ADHD he thought he was right and was ready for me

to handle it from then on out. I didn't think they had everything

right. It was just something I couldn't put my finger on, he didn't

fit just ADHD. I perused.

I will spare you long stories of woe's. Today, my son is 10 and has

had his step father in the pic for 5yrs now. My son's current dx is

mild AS with High IQ. HENCE the HIGH IQ, this is where it gets

difficult for people and the alike for your husband. It is possible

for someone to be on the side of a high IQ with problems. Convincing

your husband on the other hand is the problem. (forgive me if you know

this already)

Have you had her IQ tested? This is what happened with us, my son

manipulated situations and I was left thinking, ok could he REALLY

help this is this his autism or normal 8yr old behavior? I studied

everything I could get my hands on and guess what I still DONT know it

all nor do I understand it. I focused on trying to help my son and his

problems when I should have been concentrating on my son's weaknesses

and his abilities. This was confusing for me learning of this new

disorder, fighting the public school, fighting my husband, going here

to this doc appt then to another. Endless nights of fights convincing

my husband. MY husband finally GOT IT. I believe he was dealing with

his own issues at that time too and thought it was " simple " fix. Men

seem to look at things more of Black and White then women do. No

offense to the gentleman here. It's a complex disorder and yet at the

same time they can be so intelligent.

He feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to

> be either, but does not function at all without it)

******what meds is she on? Whats her full DX? and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble.

*******MY husband did NOT like to read, nor did he want to, so how was

I going to get him convinced? Be patient with him. Your husband needs

time, meanwhile concentrate and ignore his negative comments. Try

encouraging and focusing on her talents she does have then relay that

to him. Ask if he knows that people whom have had this if he knew some

where influential people. Try getting a " video " for you to watch

together. Don't be afraid to ask him questions while pausing, be

respectful of his comments if you disagree with them or not. Be

positive, it will rub off on him.

He feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

> on medication.

*******Again, don't say anything in front of the kids, ignore it and

ask when all the kids have gone to bed, if he wouldn't mind keeping

those comments to himself because it may effect the child whom is

diagnoised wheiter if he agrees or not with her dx. Be positive.

My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject.

He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her.

**********Maybe (i hate to say this) just maybe he will learn more of

her if he spends more one on one time with her and if baseball is it,

atleast another window will open for them.

If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> reprimanding process?

*******Show him intelligent people whom has the same, remain positive.

It's not necessarily a " bad " thing, try encouraging him by saying it's

not that something is " wrong " its that she needs to learn things this

way>...maybe this will ring a bell for himself, and he will unfold

things from his past maybe, or relate too. I know this happened with

mine. My husband didnt have many friends in school except the younger

kids, he was pretty much alone, he relates this to my son today.

Good Luck,

Be positive!

Debs

> Sincerely,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I know what that road feels like. My son is almost 13 and you would

think his father would get it better by now. Maybe someday A

couple of things made a small inroad to my husband. We joined an

Autism support group and an Asperger's support group in our town.

They bring in people to talk on many many issues. Hearing about how

someone else's child behaves helped him " accept " the disability not

the difficult child. But, we disagreed on what behavior

expectations & punishments, until we got behavioral therapist that

uses the positive behavior management. Now I have someone to help

me see behavior (I'm the softee & I understand him better syndrome)

and to help my husband (he's old school). They set up the behavior

program, rewards/consequences and help us both know where we should

be heading. We are closer to being on the same page. I also bought

a video about how a father should parent their Asperger child. That

made a bit of a difference.

All kids, but especially our children, it is so very important that

all caretakers be on the same page to help ensure the best possible

outcome.

Judy

>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

to

> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am

just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put

them

> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> reprimanding process?

> Sincerely,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am right there with you guys! While my husband says oh my child is autistic, or whatever, he relies on me to make sure that he gets the correct information - he does not go out of his way to obtain it. He also frequently loses his temper, and the knowledge per se of the sensory issues that Hope has do not generally make it past that anger....Hang in there hon.Jenalwaysmynature <alwaysmynature@...> wrote: Hi , I know what that road feels like. My son is almost 13 and you would

think his father would get it better by now. Maybe someday A couple of things made a small inroad to my husband. We joined an Autism support group and an Asperger's support group in our town. They bring in people to talk on many many issues. Hearing about how someone else's child behaves helped him "accept" the disability not the difficult child. But, we disagreed on what behavior expectations & punishments, until we got behavioral therapist that uses the positive behavior management. Now I have someone to help me see behavior (I'm the softee & I understand him better syndrome) and to help my husband (he's old school). They set up the behavior program, rewards/consequences and help us both know where we should be heading. We are closer to being on the same page. I also bought a video about how a father should parent their Asperger child. That made a bit of a difference.

All kids, but especially our children, it is so very important that all caretakers be on the same page to help ensure the best possible outcome. Judy > > My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a > disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to > be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs > to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors > are over-diagnosing kids

to get more money out of the insurance > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three > other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them > on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she > has a problem." How do I

help him understand that he needs to be > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the > reprimanding process? > Sincerely, > > ______________________________________________________________ If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or faraway. Henry Thoreau

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[Guest guest]

What was the name of the video?

Michele

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

Hi ,I know what that road feels like. My son is almost 13 and you would think his father would get it better by now. Maybe someday A couple of things made a small inroad to my husband. We joined an Autism support group and an Asperger's support group in our town. They bring in people to talk on many many issues. Hearing about how someone else's child behaves helped him "accept" the disability not the difficult child. But, we disagreed on what behavior expectations & punishments, until we got behavioral therapist that uses the positive behavior management. Now I have someone to help me see behavior (I'm the softee & I understand him better syndrome) and to help my husband (he's old school). They set up the behavior program, rewards/consequences and help us both know where we should be heading. We are closer to being on the same page. I also bought a video about how a father should parent their Asperger child. That made a bit of a difference. All kids, but especially our children, it is so very important that all caretakers be on the same page to help ensure the best possible outcome.Judy>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a > disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to > be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs > to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors > are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three > other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them > on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she > has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the > reprimanding process?> Sincerely,> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Judy,

What video did you buy? A fathering video sounds really interesting. We're only a few weeks away from getting the formal diagnosis and my fiancee is still all caught up in labels and super defensive of his son.

Also, has anyone ever found a video directed toward people on the spectrum, about parenting?

Thanks!

On 2/10/07, alwaysmynature <alwaysmynature@...> wrote:

Hi ,I know what that road feels like. My son is almost 13 and you would think his father would get it better by now. Maybe someday A couple of things made a small inroad to my husband. We joined an Autism support group and an Asperger's support group in our town. They bring in people to talk on many many issues. Hearing about how someone else's child behaves helped him " accept " the disability not the difficult child. But, we disagreed on what behavior expectations & punishments, until we got behavioral therapist that uses the positive behavior management. Now I have someone to help me see behavior (I'm the softee & I understand him better syndrome) and to help my husband (he's old school). They set up the behavior program, rewards/consequences and help us both know where we should be heading. We are closer to being on the same page. I also bought

a video about how a father should parent their Asperger child. That made a bit of a difference. All kids, but especially our children, it is so very important that all caretakers be on the same page to help ensure the best possible outcome.Judy>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a > disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to > be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs > to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors > are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three > other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them > on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she > has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the > reprimanding process?> Sincerely,> >

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[Guest guest]

Deb,

Thank you for your help. My daughter has had her IQ tested...at 140. I think that is why he feels she just manipulates (Maybe he is a little jealous of her IQ !) Anyway, the comment you made about men being black and white...my husband and I just had that talk last night. He told me he doesn't want to believe it if the doctors cannot run a blood test, x-ray, etc to prove this diagnosis. To make matters worse, Friday my daughter was diagnosed with Tourette's. He claims that he will talk more after we see this other doctor on the 19th. Hopefully this will help.

Anyway, thanks again for your help. It is great to know that I am not alone.

Sincerely,

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

Dear , I have been down this road before. Maybe a little differently but itwas awful and I know what you are going through. And it's not easysaying things about your spouse but desperatley seeking advice provesyou are wanting help. I don't know of how much help I can be and Ihope I haven't lost you by saying so. To know your not alone alsohelps and for the most part you will learn more from others here andthis alone will inspire you.See below my comments under yours.>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a > disability and that she is just a normal kid. ****MY husband is the one that pointed out my son had a problem, whenwe got diagnosis of

ADHD he thought he was right and was ready for meto handle it from then on out. I didn't think they had everythingright. It was just something I couldn't put my finger on, he didn'tfit just ADHD. I perused. I will spare you long stories of woe's. Today, my son is 10 and hashad his step father in the pic for 5yrs now. My son's current dx ismild AS with High IQ. HENCE the HIGH IQ, this is where it getsdifficult for people and the alike for your husband. It is possiblefor someone to be on the side of a high IQ with problems. Convincingyour husband on the other hand is the problem. (forgive me if you knowthis already)Have you had her IQ tested? This is what happened with us, my sonmanipulated situations and I was left thinking, ok could he REALLYhelp this is this his autism or normal 8yr old behavior? I studiedeverything I could get my hands on and guess what I still DONT know itall nor do I understand it. I focused

on trying to help my son and hisproblems when I should have been concentrating on my son's weaknessesand his abilities. This was confusing for me learning of this newdisorder, fighting the public school, fighting my husband, going hereto this doc appt then to another. Endless nights of fights convincingmy husband. MY husband finally GOT IT. I believe he was dealing withhis own issues at that time too and thought it was "simple" fix. Menseem to look at things more of Black and White then women do. Nooffense to the gentleman here. It's a complex disorder and yet at thesame time they can be so intelligent. He feels that she > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to > be either, but does not function at all without it) ******what meds is she on? Whats her full DX? and just needs > to be punished harder. I

have tried to ask him to read up on the > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. *******MY husband did NOT like to read, nor did he want to, so how wasI going to get him convinced? Be patient with him. Your husband needstime, meanwhile concentrate and ignore his negative comments. Tryencouraging and focusing on her talents she does have then relay thatto him. Ask if he knows that people whom have had this if he knew somewhere influential people. Try getting a "video" for you to watchtogether. Don't be afraid to ask him questions while pausing, berespectful of his comments if you disagree with them or not. Bepositive, it will rub off on him. He feels doctors > are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three > other children, one

older, and two younger, who do not show any > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them > on medication. *******Again, don't say anything in front of the kids, ignore it andask when all the kids have gone to bed, if he wouldn't mind keepingthose comments to himself because it may effect the child whom isdiagnoised wheiter if he agrees or not with her dx. Be positive.My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her.**********Maybe (i hate to say this) just maybe he will learn more ofher if he spends more one on one time with her and if baseball is

it,atleast another window will open for them.If he doesn't > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she > has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the > reprimanding process? *******Show him intelligent people whom has the same, remain positive.It's not necessarily a "bad" thing, try encouraging him by saying it'snot that something is "wrong" its that she needs to learn things thisway>...maybe this will ring a bell for himself, and he will unfoldthings from his past maybe, or relate too. I know this happened withmine. My husband didnt have many friends in school except the youngerkids, he was pretty much alone, he relates this to my son today.Good Luck, Be positive!Debs> Sincerely,>

>

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[Guest guest]

,

Your welcome. I just hope I did offer a

bit of help, I know how it feels but most importantly you want your husband to

understand and be a part and be active in making your daughters brilliant mind

brighter. For my husband, he didn’t care about blood test’s etc, he

just knew he was “right” about the ADHD and thought he could handle

that. He was wrong, not all together but Aspergers was a little complicated for

him to understand and he just thought my son was totally a liar,

manipulator and that I was always on his side with everything, as if I were

‘’protecting” him. I was protecting him but it got a little

more complicated for us. My son’s father had died; I felt sorry for my

son and wanted badly for the two of them to get along.

The more I tried the worse it got.

Now we were dealing with not only the loss of his father but a disorder that in

itself was much more complicated. I was searching for answers, trying to get

him better and at the same time, fighting with the school, learning about the

laws, tending to our baby. A lot was going on. My mind was clogged and I soon

began to be pointed out that my son lied etc. to get what he wanted. I knew he

was smart but when it came down to my husband “see he knows what he is

doing, you just caught him in a bold face lie”. Things got tougher. We

went to counseling, not just any counselor would do. We spent many hours at this

doctor or that doctor learning how to deal with our problems. We went to

several different ones and I believe they all helped in different ways but we

fought about what we would talk about. It was discouraging for awhile but we finally

found a counselor that worked with AS kids. This counselor my husband and I

both really liked and I believed she has helped him tremendously. (f your

thinking your husband won’t do this, it’s all in the way you ask.

My husband thrives on pats on the back etc. In other words, positive

reinforcements so I let him be positive by giving him positive. Eventually this

came back to me.)

My son whom was dx as AS she agreed to see

us just the parents and filed it under my husband as if he were the patient so

insurance would cover. In other words my son wasn’t the patient although

it was “about” him. Not always but this was the drive that got us

there in the first place. We went to her thinking that she understood these

kids and if nothing else we would prove the each other wrong. And life would be

a little less stressful if we all just got along. It was a variety of different

problems; my husband was depressed-not just about my son, homesick for Australia,

starting over, finding a new job and caring for our baby. We fought a lot due

to money; he was angry and basically took it out on us. Today he is better,

much better but we also have our current issues.

I knew in my heart my husband didn’t

Understand my son and I didn’t completely either but out of the two of

us, (it wasn’t spelled out in front of them, symptom-AS?)

I understood more mainly because he was

mine. But I was wrong to assume a few things too…I can truly say that I

found myself thinking, ok, is this Aspergers making him do this or that? I was

confused. This is why my husband felt the way he did and we weren’t

getting anywhere. (Not that this is happening with you but hopefully you can

relate this somewhere) . This is why my husband thought he was being forced to

be the only one to discipline my son.

I knew what my son was

“thinking” and if he said this….. he meant

“that”. I was usually on target but not always. So my husband began

to point out his manipulative behavior. This was not an easy task; remember I

was feeling sorry for my child. Once I found how smart he was, I took this and

ran with it. Suddenly Aspergers didn’t seem so bad, this gave me more

fire power for the schools look how smart he is people and you have to got to

teach him this way not this way…

The school situation, My husband began to

see how the school treated him at times (although he didn’t admit it at

the time) he was doing the same

As the school for example:

Standing over him pushing to do his

homework “neatly”. Handwriting was horrible. Push and shove, push

and shove.

I did however notice my child listening, minding

and doing what he was told, maybe out of fear? Not always, I saw him communicate

with my son, played with him etc soon my son minded him more than he did me. Here

is the KICKER: Although he (husband) wasn’t 100% correct in his

teachings, he was consistent and it proved to me my son could do things. I

began to understand he was intelligent but needed a reason to do this or that, rewards

etc. This went off in my head I see how easy it is to get frustrated with him, I

am his mom so I easily tolerate it more, others including teachers and step dad

didn’t know how to get to him. I found myself being creative relating his

work in something he was interested in. I slowly showed the school this and my husband

was shown what he did at school and was forced to atleast “try” it,

he began to slowly realize this to. It’s still hard for him to be patient

with my son especially when my son poops his pants at 9yrs old still. This is because

he has became too interested in his game etc. OF course “normal” parenting

would make you angry, it still does, but what are you going to do about it? We were

told “throw the convientialnial parenting out the window”. What did

that mean? Do you have a manuel please? Everything you were taught as a child, you

want to mimic in your parenting skills. It’s very complicated and of course

it may take him awhile to understand even half way. Just don’t Give up. It

will “click” but in his own time.

We still ARE NOT perfect far from it. We

do have current issues. My son has done so well over the past summer we had all

the doctors ok to take the summer off. My son was given “progressing quite

nicely”. We moved into a neighborhood that was riddled with kids (something

that we didn’t have before). We were finally away from the school that caused

such grief, I sued and won but it didn’t matter, they still didn’t “understand”.

The move allowed us to get out of that school zone and into one that had my blessings.

Now that my son has progressed and everything was going too well, I decided its

time for some social skills while everything is peaceful, less stress. I opened

a can of worms, I had no idea my son was being bullied and picked on (as much as

he is anyway). Now IM stressed that maybe we should just home school, it seems to

be everywhere I turn on the internet anyway. Doc say’s “not yet”.

I worry that his self esteem maybe to hurt if I don’t do something soon and

when I discuss this with my husband, hopefully it’s just that tonight he is

just tired, but he doesn’t want me to home school. Thinks it’s too much

for me, that I have to be a teacher-with degrees? He thinks IM becoming obsessed

with it like I was before. I’m thinking, no I’m not obsessed worried

and feel like I don’t have the energy to fight this school or energy to home

school for that matter. No other options and it’s sad. I’m struggling

as well.

Keep your chin up , your doing well.

Deb’s J

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of Wheeles

Sent: Sunday, February 11, 2007

10:56 PM

Autism and Aspergers Treatment

Subject: Re:

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

Deb,

Thank you for your help. My daughter has had her IQ tested...at

140. I think that is why he feels she just manipulates (Maybe he is a

little jealous of her IQ !) Anyway, the comment you made about men being

black and white...my husband and I just had that talk last night. He told

me he doesn't want to believe it if the doctors cannot run a blood test, x-ray,

etc to prove this diagnosis. To make matters worse, Friday my daughter

was diagnosed with Tourette's. He claims that he will talk more after we

see this other doctor on the 19th. Hopefully this will help.

Anyway, thanks again for your help. It is great to know that I am

not alone.

Sincerely,

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

Dear ,

I have been down this road before. Maybe a little differently but it

was awful and I know what you are going through. And it's not easy

saying things about your spouse but desperatley seeking advice proves

you are wanting help. I don't know of how much help I can be and I

hope I haven't lost you by saying so. To know your not alone also

helps and for the most part you will learn more from others here and

this alone will inspire you.

See below my comments under yours.

>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid.

****MY husband is the one that pointed out my son had a problem, when

we got diagnosis of ADHD he thought he was right and was ready for me

to handle it from then on out. I didn't think they had everything

right. It was just something I couldn't put my finger on, he didn't

fit just ADHD. I perused.

I will spare you long stories of woe's. Today, my son is 10 and has

had his step father in the pic for 5yrs now. My son's current dx is

mild AS with High IQ. HENCE the HIGH IQ, this is where it gets

difficult for people and the alike for your husband. It is possible

for someone to be on the side of a high IQ with problems. Convincing

your husband on the other hand is the problem. (forgive me if you know

this already)

Have you had her IQ tested? This is what happened with us, my son

manipulated situations and I was left thinking, ok could he REALLY

help this is this his autism or normal 8yr old behavior? I studied

everything I could get my hands on and guess what I still DONT know it

all nor do I understand it. I focused on trying to help my son and his

problems when I should have been concentrating on my son's weaknesses

and his abilities. This was confusing for me learning of this new

disorder, fighting the public school, fighting my husband, going here

to this doc appt then to another. Endless nights of fights convincing

my husband. MY husband finally GOT IT. I believe he was dealing with

his own issues at that time too and thought it was " simple " fix. Men

seem to look at things more of Black and White then women do. No

offense to the gentleman here. It's a complex disorder and yet at the

same time they can be so intelligent.

He feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to

> be either, but does not function at all without it)

******what meds is she on? Whats her full DX? and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble.

*******MY husband did NOT like to read, nor did he want to, so how was

I going to get him convinced? Be patient with him. Your husband needs

time, meanwhile concentrate and ignore his negative comments. Try

encouraging and focusing on her talents she does have then relay that

to him. Ask if he knows that people whom have had this if he knew some

where influential people. Try getting a " video " for you to watch

together. Don't be afraid to ask him questions while pausing, be

respectful of his comments if you disagree with them or not. Be

positive, it will rub off on him.

He feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

> on medication.

*******Again, don't say anything in front of the kids, ignore it and

ask when all the kids have gone to bed, if he wouldn't mind keeping

those comments to himself because it may effect the child whom is

diagnoised wheiter if he agrees or not with her dx. Be positive.

My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject.

He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her.

**********Maybe (i hate to say this) just maybe he will learn more of

her if he spends more one on one time with her and if baseball is it,

atleast another window will open for them.

If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> reprimanding process?

*******Show him intelligent people whom has the same, remain positive.

It's not necessarily a " bad " thing, try encouraging him by saying

it's

not that something is " wrong " its that she needs to learn things this

way>...maybe this will ring a bell for himself, and he will unfold

things from his past maybe, or relate too. I know this happened with

mine. My husband didnt have many friends in school except the younger

kids, he was pretty much alone, he relates this to my son today.

Good Luck,

Be positive!

Debs

> Sincerely,

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing your story! It is very encouraging. That is exactly why I persued the diagnosis of Aspergers...I wanted to officially and finally know what we were facing. That way we could actually DO something for our son that would get him somewhere! I didn't want to keep stabbing in the dark and not helping him. Knowlege is Power!!! Jen

-----Original Message-----From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of cubicmonicaSent: Friday, February 09, 2007 2:13 PMAutism and Aspergers Treatment Subject: Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it. Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues are due to not paying attention, lack of respect, manipulation and laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he is "normal"). This just made him angry. To this day he will not admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I reminded him of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more, I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but always felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have been afflicted with just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant. Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was never tempted to use my diagnosis as an excuse for what I did wrong.Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a > disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to > be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs > to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors > are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three > other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them > on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she > has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the > reprimanding process?> Sincerely,> >

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[Guest guest]

www.coultervideo.com go to products.

Asperger Syndrome for Dad: Becoming An Even Better Father To Your

Child With AS

They have several others dealing with Asperger's and school success

and a video for classmates so they can understand Asperger

classmates.

Judy

> >

> > My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was

diagnosed

> > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> > disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that

she

> > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not

have

> to

> > be either, but does not function at all without it) and just

needs

> > to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on

the

> > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels

doctors

> > are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the

insurance

> > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am

> just

> > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> > other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show

any

> > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put

> them

> > on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he

doesn't

> > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you

think

> she

> > has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to

be

> > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in

the

> > reprimanding process?

> > Sincerely,

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, a great way to explain why we need a diagnosis for our kids. Way to

GO! getting your education with dyslexia, I'm proud of what you have

accomplished. My kids were actually excited when they found out

they had " aspergers " because there was a REASON they acted differently than

their peers. It kind of empowered them too, in helping boost their self

esteem. Especially when they found out other genius' (Einstein etc) were

thought to be aspergers...

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more

discipline

>I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I

> have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not

> believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.

> Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem

> with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.

>

> I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have

> always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying

> anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say

> anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying

> that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find

> it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues

> are due to not paying attention, lack of respect, manipulation and

> laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.

>

> Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the

> realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a

> child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am

> also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband

> or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more

> validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he

> is " normal " ). This just made him angry. To this day he will not

> admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.

>

> When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first

> thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I

> went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that

> he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I reminded him

> of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is

> my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st

> grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled

> in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia

> (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty

> putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove

> understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the

> time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to

> a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just

> laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were

> no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't

> read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,

> I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but always

> felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was

> just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my

> struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was

> a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no

> future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in

> retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store

> manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college

> but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my

> early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to

> the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My

> problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to

> understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to

> overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have

> been afflicted with just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able

> to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I

> set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my

> room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started

> volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading

> aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without

> doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career

> (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is

> all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.

> Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do

> but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what

> it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a

> visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was

> never tempted to use my diagnosis as an excuse for what I did wrong.

>

> Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has

> worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let

> you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many

> stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is

> just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.

>

>

>

>

>>

>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

>> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

>> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

>> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

>> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

> to

>> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

>> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

>> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

>> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

>> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

>> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

>> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

>> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

>> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

>> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

>> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

>> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

>> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

>> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

>> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

>> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

> she

>> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

>> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

>> reprimanding process?

>> Sincerely,

>>

>>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes Judy Please share the name of the video, I am sure a lot of us would like to know. Thanks paul skarda <pskarda@...> wrote: What was the name of the video? Michele Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline Hi ,I know what that road feels like. My son is almost 13 and you would think his father would get it better by now. Maybe someday A couple of things made a small inroad to my husband. We joined an Autism support group and an Asperger's

support group in our town. They bring in people to talk on many many issues. Hearing about how someone else's child behaves helped him "accept" the disability not the difficult child. But, we disagreed on what behavior expectations & punishments, until we got behavioral therapist that uses the positive behavior management. Now I have someone to help me see behavior (I'm the softee & I understand him better syndrome) and to help my husband (he's old school). They set up the behavior program, rewards/consequences and help us both know where we should be heading. We are closer to being on the same page. I also bought a video about how a father should parent their Asperger child. That made a bit of a difference. All kids, but especially our children, it is so very important that all caretakers be on the same page to help ensure the best possible outcome.Judy>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed > with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a > disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she > just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He > believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to > be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs > to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the > information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors > are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance > companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just > trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three > other

children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any > signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they > don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them > on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving > father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is > trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social > activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his > punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't > reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a > problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she > has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be > more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the > reprimanding process?> Sincerely,> > I love a child with Aspergers Please, read, learn, and love KELLY

Want to start your own business? Learn how on Small Business.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I am a parent of three children. (11, Aspergers, Bipolar,

ADHD), Mark (9 PDD, ADHD) and Madeline(6 and probably ADHD/Bipolar

with some symptoms of Aspergers) I really wish I had more guidance

when my children were younger. My situation was very much like yours.

My husband did start to see the issues that our sons had as they grew

older. He then jumped on board learning every thing he could about

their disorders, coming with me to 's Hopkins University while

they were going through observations... He is now one of their biggest

supporters. I, on the other hand, have begun to expect more and more

from the children in terms of thier behavior. I have seen some of the

benefits of high expectations of children and I have attended

conferences on social skills that were very helpful. (I forget the

speaker's name at the moment, but the book is called: Teaching Social

Skills- " It's so hard to be your friend " I am proud of the way my

children are responding and I am proud of the parenting success I have

had since I started to be more consistent and firm.

I know how hard it is for you right now. I hope and pray that somehow

your husband will jump on board with your efforts to learn more about

your daughter's ADHD. (I have had the experience several times of

trying out my husband's point of view. each time, he will take my

point of view - It makes no sense to me, but It seems to work for our

family. Interestingly, I have also noted that I naturally wanted to

discipline the children the way I was brought up- the way that worked

for my mother... As time goes on, I realize that only one of the

three children we have takes after me. My husband's techniques work

best with children that take after him. (-the ones that relentlessly

test their limits)-from my point of view

One more thing: Our children are on Medicine. I am not an avid

supporter of Medication and would love it if no one was on Medicine.

I fought my husband, parents and in-laws to let me try the doctor's

advice and give Medication. I am not so sure that was the right

decision. What is best for some children, may not be best for all

children. It seems to me our family has had some experiences with

Medications helping for a while, but not for an extened period of time.

Good Luck!!! I send hugs

>

> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have to

> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think she

> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> reprimanding process?

> Sincerely,

>

>

[Guest guest]

My son felt the same way! Last year in grade 3, he wrote in his journal, "I am happy because I have aspergers. It makes me different from all the other kids. I don't like being the same as everyone else"

I think it's good for them to know why they are different. And who wouldn't want to be compared to Einstein?

Estevan, Saskatchewan

Canada

-- Re: Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

, a great way to explain why we need a diagnosis for our kids. Way to GO! getting your education with dyslexia, I'm proud of what you have accomplished. My kids were actually excited when they found out they had "aspergers" because there was a REASON they acted differently than their peers. It kind of empowered them too, in helping boost their self esteem. Especially when they found out other genius' (Einstein etc) were thought to be aspergers... Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline>I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I> have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not> believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.> Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem> with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.>> I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have> always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying> anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say> anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying> that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find> it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues> are due to not paying attention, lack of respect, manipulation and> laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.>> Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the> realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a> child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am> also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband> or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more> validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he> is "normal"). This just made him angry. To this day he will not> admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.>> When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first> thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I> went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that> he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I reminded him> of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is> my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st> grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled> in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia> (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty> putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove> understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the> time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to> a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just> laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were> no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't> read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,> I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but always> felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was> just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my> struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was> a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no> future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in> retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store> manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college> but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my> early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to> the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My> problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to> understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to> overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have> been afflicted with just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able> to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I> set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my> room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started> volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading> aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without> doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career> (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is> all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.> Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do> but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what> it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a> visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was> never tempted to use my diagnosis as an excuse for what I did wrong.>> Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has> worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let> you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many> stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is> just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.>> >> >>>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed>> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a>> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she>> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He>> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have> to>> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs>> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the>> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors>> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance>> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just>> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three>> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any>> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they>> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them>> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving>> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is>> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social>> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his>> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't>> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a>> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think> she>> has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be>> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the>> reprimanding process?>> Sincerely,>> >>>>>>>>

[Guest guest]

Don't forget Spielberg has a diagnosis of aspergers. This is

someone our kids can really relate to and can be encouraged that they

too can be successful.

> >>

> >> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was

diagnosed

> >> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> >> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> >> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> >> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

> > to

> >> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just

needs

> >> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> >> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels

doctors

> >> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> >> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am

just

> >> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> >> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> >> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> >> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put

them

> >> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> >> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> >> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> >> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> >> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> >> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> >> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

> > she

> >> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> >> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> >> reprimanding process?

> >> Sincerely,

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

A note from what is written about “husbands

take it personal”. My husband was the same but it’s not his bi

logical son. Why is that? I wonder if it’s too difficult, maybe to

complicated when things seem so black and white, they know what they do, so

there fore there is nothing wrong, just excuses? Any thoughts on that?

Deb’s in Bama

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of Toni

Sent: Monday, February 12, 2007

11:41 AM

Autism and Aspergers Treatment

Subject: Re:

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline

, a great way to explain why we need a diagnosis for our kids. Way to

GO! getting your education with dyslexia, I'm proud of what you have

accomplished. My kids were actually excited when they found out

they had " aspergers " because there was a REASON they acted

differently than

their peers. It kind of empowered them too, in helping boost their self

esteem. Especially when they found out other genius' (Einstein etc) were

thought to be aspergers...

Re: Husband just thinks she needs more

discipline

>I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I

> have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not

> believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.

> Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem

> with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.

>

> I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have

> always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying

> anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say

> anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying

> that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find

> it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues

> are due to not paying attention, lack of respect, manipulation and

> laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.

>

> Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the

> realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a

> child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am

> also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband

> or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more

> validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he

> is " normal " ). This just made him angry. To this day he will not

> admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.

>

> When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first

> thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I

> went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that

> he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I reminded him

> of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is

> my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st

> grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled

> in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia

> (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty

> putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove

> understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the

> time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to

> a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just

> laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were

> no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't

> read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,

> I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but always

> felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was

> just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my

> struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was

> a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no

> future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in

> retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store

> manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college

> but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my

> early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to

> the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My

> problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to

> understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to

> overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have

> been afflicted with just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able

> to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I

> set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my

> room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started

> volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading

> aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without

> doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career

> (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is

> all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.

> Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do

> but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what

> it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a

> visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was

> never tempted to use my diagnosis as an excuse for what I did wrong.

>

> Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has

> worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let

> you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many

> stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is

> just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.

>

>

>

>

>>

>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed

>> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

>> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

>> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

>> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

> to

>> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs

>> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

>> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors

>> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

>> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just

>> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

>> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

>> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

>> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them

>> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

>> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

>> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

>> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

>> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

>> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

>> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

> she

>> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

>> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

>> reprimanding process?

>> Sincerely,

>>

>>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Our son has aspergers, we did meds. for years. We took him off them 4 months ago. I have seen a calmer and happier child. When he gets upset, if we ask him what is wrong, he usually can tell us. Sometimes it takes awhile, but not always. He still has his issues but they are getting better. He is easily distracted, but can be brought back to task after being redirected. Have to remind about noises that are not necessary at certain times. He has become much more willing to do things without all the arguing. He is a total different child off the meds. He is 12 years old. We have 2 other children who are normal. But what is normal? Thanks, SheridanBarry Hitchcock <debhitchcock@...> wrote: A note from what is written about “husbands take it personal”. My husband was the same but it’s not his bi logical son. Why is that? I wonder if it’s too difficult, maybe to complicated when things seem so black and white, they know what they do, so there fore there is nothing wrong, just excuses? Any thoughts on that? Deb’s in Bama From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of ToniSent: Monday, February 12, 2007 11:41 AMAutism and Aspergers Treatment Subject: Re: Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline , a great way to explain why we need a diagnosis for our kids. Way to GO! getting your education with dyslexia, I'm proud of what you have accomplished. My kids were actually excited when they found out they had "aspergers" because there was a REASON they acted differently than their peers. It kind of empowered them too, in helping boost their self esteem. Especially when they found out other genius' (Einstein etc) were thought to be aspergers... Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline>I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I> have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not> believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.> Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem> with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.>> I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have> always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying> anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say> anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying> that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find> it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues> are due to not paying attention,

lack of respect, manipulation and> laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.>> Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the> realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a> child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am> also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband> or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more> validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he> is "normal"). This just made him angry. To this day he will not> admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.>> When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first> thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I> went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that> he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I

reminded him> of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is> my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st> grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled> in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia> (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty> putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove> understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the> time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to> a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just> laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were> no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't> read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,> I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but

always> felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was> just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my> struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was> a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no> future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in> retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store> manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college> but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my> early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to> the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My> problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to> understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to> overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have> been afflicted with

just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able> to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I> set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my> room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started> volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading> aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without> doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career> (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is> all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.> Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do> but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what> it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a> visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was> never tempted to use my diagnosis as an

excuse for what I did wrong.>> Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has> worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let> you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many> stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is> just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.>> >> >>>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed>> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a>> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she>> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He>> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did

not have> to>> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs>> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the>> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors>> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance>> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just>> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three>> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any>> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they>> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them>> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving>> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is>> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social>> activities to get her to have

friends. I am afraid that his>> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't>> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a>> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think> she>> has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be>> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the>> reprimanding process?>> Sincerely,>> >>>>>>>>

[Guest guest]

Our son has aspergers, we did meds. for years. We took him off them 4 months ago. I have seen a calmer and happier child. When he gets upset, if we ask him what is wrong, he usually can tell us. Sometimes it takes awhile, but not always. He still has his issues but they are getting better. He is easily distracted, but can be brought back to task after being redirected. Have to remind about noises that are not necessary at certain times. He has become much more willing to do things without all the arguing. He is a total different child off the meds. He is 12 years old. We have 2 other children who are normal. But what is normal? Thanks, SheridanBarry Hitchcock <debhitchcock@...> wrote: A note from what is written about “husbands take it personal”. My husband was the same but it’s not his bi logical son. Why is that? I wonder if it’s too difficult, maybe to complicated when things seem so black and white, they know what they do, so there fore there is nothing wrong, just excuses? Any thoughts on that? Deb’s in Bama From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of ToniSent: Monday, February 12, 2007 11:41 AMAutism and Aspergers Treatment Subject: Re: Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline , a great way to explain why we need a diagnosis for our kids. Way to GO! getting your education with dyslexia, I'm proud of what you have accomplished. My kids were actually excited when they found out they had "aspergers" because there was a REASON they acted differently than their peers. It kind of empowered them too, in helping boost their self esteem. Especially when they found out other genius' (Einstein etc) were thought to be aspergers... Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline>I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I> have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not> believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.> Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem> with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.>> I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have> always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying> anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say> anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying> that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find> it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues> are due to not paying attention,

lack of respect, manipulation and> laziness. It has been 2 years and he still will not accept it.>> Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the> realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a> child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am> also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband> or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more> validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he> is "normal"). This just made him angry. To this day he will not> admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.>> When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first> thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I> went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that> he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I

reminded him> of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's. Here is> my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st> grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled> in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia> (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty> putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove> understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the> time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to> a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just> laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were> no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't> read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,> I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but

always> felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or was> just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my> struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was> a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no> future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in> retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store> manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college> but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my> early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to> the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My> problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to> understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to> overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have> been afflicted with

just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able> to separate it from who I am made me determined to overcome it. I> set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my> room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started> volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading> aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without> doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career> (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is> all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.> Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do> but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what> it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a> visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was> never tempted to use my diagnosis as an

excuse for what I did wrong.>> Sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or a story of what has> worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let> you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many> stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is> just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.>> >> >>>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed>> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a>> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she>> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He>> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did

not have> to>> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just needs>> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the>> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors>> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance>> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just>> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three>> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any>> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they>> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them>> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving>> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is>> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social>> activities to get her to have

friends. I am afraid that his>> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't>> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a>> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think> she>> has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be>> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the>> reprimanding process?>> Sincerely,>> >>>>>>>>

[Guest guest]

I don't know if it is just too hard for them to accept but my hubby has NEVER been good in any type of medical situation. I can count on one hand and have fingers left over on the number of times he has taken any of our kids to the doctor. Its always a mommy thing to handle all that. He wasn't even good with the pregnancy stuff and almost left the room once during a routine PG ultrasound so you can imagine what he was like during the delivery. I wasn't trying to say all men are like that from my original post but I know my hubby is. He just doesnt like to discuss anything medical but he is trying.. I will give him that. TrishaBarry Hitchcock <debhitchcock@...> wrote: A note from what is written about “husbands take it personal”. My husband was the same but it’s not his bi logical son. Why is that? I wonder if it’s too difficult, maybe to complicated when things seem so black and white, they know what they do, so there fore there is nothing wrong, just excuses? Any thoughts on that? Deb’s in Bama From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of ToniSent: Monday, February 12, 2007 11:41 AMAutism and Aspergers Treatment Subject: Re: Re: Husband just thinks she needs more discipline , a great way to explain why we need a diagnosis for our kids. Way to GO! getting your education with dyslexia, I'm proud of what you have accomplished. My kids were actually excited when they found out they had "aspergers" because there was a REASON they acted differently than their peers. It kind of empowered them too, in helping boost their self esteem. Especially when they found out other genius' (Einstein etc) were thought to be aspergers... Re: Husband

just thinks she needs more discipline>I have a similar situation with my husband but a bit different. I> have a low-functioning autistic son whom at first he would not> believe he is autistic but as time when on there was no denying it.> Now, at age 7 he is still non-verbal and in diapers. The problem> with accepting a diagnosis is really with our oldest son.>> I came to realize my oldest son was aspergers when he was 13 (I have> always homeschooled him). I chose to tell my son before ever saying> anything to my husband because I felt he would demand I not say> anything. Though the diagnosis totally fits, my husband keeps saying> that now I have one child diagnosed with autism, I am trying to find> it in everyone else. Like your husband, he keeps saying his issues> are due to not paying attention, lack of respect, manipulation and> laziness. It has been 2 years and he

still will not accept it.>> Shortly after I realized my oldest is aspergers, I came to the> realization I too am on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed as a> child but the school tried to label me as mentally retarded. I am> also dyslexic. I debated if I should even mention it to my husband> or maybe if he understood I was on the spectrum it would give more> validity to my son (he often compares our similarities as proof he> is "normal"). This just made him angry. To this day he will not> admit it and gets upset whenever I mention it.>> When I first told my husband about our son being aspergers, the first> thing he said is I was trying to make excuses for him and since I> went ahead and told him about it, he was going to believe it and that> he cannot change. I told him the opposite it true. I reminded him> of the story of when I found out I was dyslexic in my 20's.

Here is> my story: I went to a small private Catholic school starting 1st> grade. I did well in some subjects but others I really struggled> in. I grew to love reading at a young age but because of my dyslexia> (and maybe aspergers too), I could not read aloud and had difficulty> putting my thoughts together in sentences to be able to prove> understanding. As a result, it was assumed I could not read. By the> time I was in 3rd grade, my teacher told my mom I really should go to> a special school because I would never learn to read. My mom just> laughed because the day before, I complained to her that there were> no more books in the children's section of the library that I hadn't> read. As the years went on and writing was emphasized more and more,> I had a really hard time. I knew I was making reversals but always> felt it was my fault. Maybe I wasn't concentrating enough or

was> just dumb like all the other kids said. Through high school, my> struggles continued as did my blaming myself for them. Though I was> a good student, I did not believe in myself and therefore had no> future aspirations. Once out of high school, I went to work in> retail. In my mind, the highest I could ever be is a retail store> manager. That was my idea of a career. I went to a junior college> but dropped out due to lack of motivation. One day when I was in my> early 20's, I heard a talk on dyslexia. I pulled over to listen to> the rest of the talk since I could not see through my tears. My> problem has a name and it was not stupid! Once I was able to> understand what was wrong, all of a sudden I felt empowered to> overcome it. I know that dyslexia was not who I was but what I have> been afflicted with just like one has cancer or diabetes. Being able> to separate it from

who I am made me determined to overcome it. I> set out to do the things I found hardest. First I would read in my> room aloud for hours. When I got more confident, I started> volunteering to read aloud to kids. Now, I have no problem reading> aloud to anyone. I got a typing program and worked on typing without> doing reversals (how am I doing?). I decided on a career> (accounting) and went back to college. I went from feeling retail is> all I could do to being happy with my career as an accountant.> Knowing my condition was never an excuse to continue doing what I do> but empowered me to overcome it since I was able to understand what> it was I was fighting. It was no longer an invisible monster but a> visible creature that was much smaller than I had envisioned. I was> never tempted to use my diagnosis as an excuse for what I did wrong.>> Sorry I don't have any great words of

wisdom or a story of what has> worked when it comes to convincing the hubby but just wanted to let> you know you are not alone. Over the years, I have heard many> stories about dads that will not accept the diagnosis. I think it is> just too hard for them to accept because they take it personal.>> >> >>>> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed>> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a>> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she>> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He>> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have> to>> be either, but does not function at all without it)

and just needs>> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the>> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels doctors>> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance>> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am just>> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three>> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any>> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they>> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put them>> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving>> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is>> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social>> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his>> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt

her. If he doesn't>> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says "She has a>> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think> she>> has a problem." How do I help him understand that he needs to be>> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the>> reprimanding process?>> Sincerely,>> >>>>>>>>

[Guest guest]

Spielberg does not have an Asperger's Diagnosis.

-------------- Original message ----------------------

From: " cubicmonica " <cubicmonica@...>

> Don't forget Spielberg has a diagnosis of aspergers. This is

> someone our kids can really relate to and can be encouraged that they

> too can be successful.

>

>

>

>

> > >>

> > >> My name is and I have a 7 year old daughter who was

> diagnosed

> > >> with ADHD and Aspergers. My husband does not think it is a

> > >> disability and that she is just a normal kid. He feels that she

> > >> just manipulates us because she is so smart and she can. He

> > >> believes she should not be on medication (I wish she did not have

> > > to

> > >> be either, but does not function at all without it) and just

> needs

> > >> to be punished harder. I have tried to ask him to read up on the

> > >> information, but he just calls it psycho-babble. He feels

> doctors

> > >> are over-diagnosing kids to get more money out of the insurance

> > >> companies. How in the world do I help him understand that I am

> just

> > >> trying to do what is best for our daughter? BTW, we have three

> > >> other children, one older, and two younger, who do not show any

> > >> signs or symptoms of ADHD or Aspergers. However, whenever they

> > >> don't listen, he jokes that they better watch it or I will put

> them

> > >> on medication. My husband normally is a very sensitive, loving

> > >> father who you can reason with, but not on this subject. He is

> > >> trying to force my daughter into baseball, and other social

> > >> activities to get her to have friends. I am afraid that his

> > >> punishments and pushing is only going to hurt her. If he doesn't

> > >> reprimand her for the things she does wrong he says " She has a

> > >> problem, right? She can do whatever she wants because you think

> > > she

> > >> has a problem. " How do I help him understand that he needs to be

> > >> more understanding of her needs, and still stay involved in the

> > >> reprimanding process?

> > >> Sincerely,

> > >>

> > >>

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >