ARRRGGG!!!!!

[Guest guest]

I called Dr Bridwell's office yesterday to schedule my next

appointment. Before calling the front desk, I called Bernie and

left a message for her that I assume that I need to make an

appointment after having my myelogram, pelvis CT, and pulmonary

function tests and I also asked if they could mail me a copy of my

notes from my other visit.

After making my next appointment with the scheduler, I called my

insurance company to see if I had to get approval again. They said

I am approved with Dr Bridwell until December 31. I explained that

the doctor's schedule is pretty full up until March, and the

insurance lady told me that the doctor would have to write me a very

good letter of medical necessity to get approval to wait so long for

surgery.

So, Bernie called me back today and I told her what the insurance

person said. She said she could squeeze me in for surgery next

month!!!! I was perfectly happy to wait until March or June.

Now, I don't know whether to jump on in or keep waiting a while

longer. I absolutely hate making decisions.

On the one hand, waiting until March or June would give us time to

prepare the house and our minds and it would give us time to get the

credit cards paid off. I could apply for a leave of absence, and

take the year off work to recover.

If I do it now, I am not sure if I could get approved for the sick

leave bank and it is doubtful that a certified teacher would be

found to replace me for the rest of the year. And, that would not

give me a full year off work to recover (but truthfully, I don't

know that I would want to come back after a year off).

Crap.

[Guest guest]

Suzanne,

I am not sure if you are venting or asking for opinions...but I will

make a couple observations!

You seem to be in reasonable good physical shape...and you have been

doing a bit of working out. You seem to be incredibly strong minded.

I will be very surprised if you need to be out of work much longer

than 10-12 weeks if all goes as DrBridwell hopes. Yes, I realize

that it is possible that the schedule could change,like it did for

Kam, but there is also the possibility that it will be straight

forward too.

If you accept the date in a months time I imagine that means you

will have extra days because of the upcoming holidays?

If you think you want to do it and get it behind you, I know you can

find a way. On the other hand, isn't it likely that DrBridwell can

write a letter explaining that his surgical calender is full until

after the first of the year and ask for a 6 months extension of your

authorization?

I don't know what the rules of your labor contract are, but from my

perspective (as a former labor rep.) what your employer does about

your absence is really not your problem. I assume you are entitiled

to sick leave..it is not really up to them to decide when the

optimal time for you to schedule surgery is. If you got hit by a

truck and needed surgery and 3 months off for rehab, what would they

do? You are in pain, you are struggling to meet the physical

requirements at work, and it doesn't escape my notice that your

employer has been quite indifferent to your plight or helpful to you

by finding a way to continue to work by accomodating your parking or

walking needs.

One nice thing about a winter surgery is that when you are really

trying to get out and about and do your walking the weather will

begin to cooperate.

How long do you have to make the decision to accept the early date?

Good luck with your decision.

Cam

[Guest guest]

ooohhhh, you make some really good points about it being easier to

exercise when the weather is cooler!

and I did talk to my building rep, and she said she didn't know why

I would want to take a year unpaid when I can apply for the sick

leave bank. Apparently, I will need to use up all my sick leave

(which I will likely do pretty quickly anyway since I will have used

7 days by the end of this month and we only get 13 per year and I

didn't have any to carry over), then I apply to the sick leave bank

about once every 30 days. As near as I can tell, they may deduct

pay for a substitute for 10 days, then give me 30 days of sick

leave, then I reapply and get deducted for 5 days, and get 25 days

of sick leave, and then the cycle continues until I can come back to

work.

I just thought that if it takes 12 - 18 months to recover, I would

like to be off work for a full year. I don't want to have to worry

about having any kind of problems for going back to work too soon --

especially since it is easy enough to get hurt at work without

trying to heal.

I have to admit that taking a year off work is part of the appeal of

going ahead and having surgery.

I will see Dr Bridwell on the 23rd and discuss it with him. His

tentative plan on the first visit was to do the revision in three

stages -- the first two about a week apart and the third one a few

months later (like he did with Kam -- she seems to have set a new

standard with him!)

You are right, at this point I could care less about causing a

problem for my boss. However, I would feel bad if my Algebra 2

students don't learn the things they need to learn. We have an

awful lot of ninth graders who are not ready for Algebra 1 because

their teacher got deployed to New Orleans last year and the

substitutes were not qualified to teach math.

Speaking of the parking problems, I have still been agitating. The

principal is tired of hearing me. I have called around to some

disability advocacy groups, I have mentioned that I am looking into

the possibility of legal action, and I pointed out to the principal

yesterday that people are parked in front of the access ramps. She

rolled her eyes and said it is temporary. I finally saw where the

new parking lot is today, and guess what? It is a long walk from

the classrooms, too. It doesn't even look like a parking lot.

Another advantage to getting the surgery over with -- if Neil

Diamond decides to go on tour again next summer, I won't have to

miss it!

>

> Suzanne,

>

> I am not sure if you are venting or asking for opinions...but I

will

> make a couple observations!

>

> You seem to be in reasonable good physical shape...and you have

been

> doing a bit of working out. You seem to be incredibly strong

minded.

> I will be very surprised if you need to be out of work much longer

> than 10-12 weeks if all goes as DrBridwell hopes. Yes, I realize

> that it is possible that the schedule could change,like it did for

> Kam, but there is also the possibility that it will be straight

> forward too.

>

> If you accept the date in a months time I imagine that means you

> will have extra days because of the upcoming holidays?

>

> If you think you want to do it and get it behind you, I know you

can

> find a way. On the other hand, isn't it likely that DrBridwell can

> write a letter explaining that his surgical calender is full until

> after the first of the year and ask for a 6 months extension of

your

> authorization?

>

> I don't know what the rules of your labor contract are, but from

my

> perspective (as a former labor rep.) what your employer does about

> your absence is really not your problem. I assume you are

entitiled

> to sick leave..it is not really up to them to decide when the

> optimal time for you to schedule surgery is. If you got hit by a

> truck and needed surgery and 3 months off for rehab, what would

they

> do? You are in pain, you are struggling to meet the physical

> requirements at work, and it doesn't escape my notice that your

> employer has been quite indifferent to your plight or helpful to

you

> by finding a way to continue to work by accomodating your parking

or

> walking needs.

>

> One nice thing about a winter surgery is that when you are really

> trying to get out and about and do your walking the weather will

> begin to cooperate.

>

> How long do you have to make the decision to accept the early date?

>

> Good luck with your decision.

> Cam

>

[Guest guest]

Ohhhh Neil Diamond...now theres one great reason right there ;}

> Another advantage to getting the surgery over with -- if Neil

> Diamond decides to go on tour again next summer, I won't have to

> miss it!

[Guest guest]

I went for my pain management apppointment today. Before heading

over to the hospital, I stopped by the library for some mysteries to

read while lounging around in bed waiting for the anesthetic to

clear out. Hubby dropped me off at the door since the parking lot

was full and he didn't have my parking permit.

When I came out, there was no sign of him in the parking lot, so I

tried to call him on my cell phone. The sun was shining on the

screen, and I ended up with Kathy (txbluebell) instead. She has

been missing us here because she moved last weekend and doesn't have

her computer hooked up yet.

I told her about the possibility of having surgery next month and

she told me a bunch of reasons why she thought it was a good idea.

Meanwhile, hubby came back from filling the car up with gas, and

listened to my side of the conversation. He had been extremely

cranky all morning, and thought that I was just trying to change the

plan when he was ok with waiting until summer. He was insistent

that I should wait because the kids will be out of school and he

will have built up more paid time off to be able to be with me and

we will hopefully have paid off the credit cards by then.

On the other hand, I have been in a whole lot of pain this week.

While I was watering my banana trees on Sunday, I bent over to pull

up the grass that was spreading across the mulch. It wasn't hard to

do and I only have four banana trees, but OMG, the pain was

incredible. Since switching to lyrica from neurontin, I am not

sleeping as well and have been in quite a bit of pain during the

night. After years of thinking that I am not really in bad enough

shape to consider surgery, I am finally starting to realize that

maybe I am. I got to work on Wednesday morning, hurting horribly,

and just sat in my car not wanting to make the long walk to my

classroom and not really wanting to lift the battery for my scooter

out of my back seat, either (I have a piece of carpet, so I can just

slide the main part of the scooter out of my trunk -- my bumper is

taking a beating, but oh well). I almost went back home and called

in sick, but I made it to my room and put a lidoderm patch on my

lower back.

Sitting in the waiting room this morning, I told my husband that

after thinking about it for a couple of days, I think maybe I should

go ahead and take the November dates. He has been telling me that

maybe I should quit my job anyway, so why not get it over with? He

seemed hurt that he might not be able to take off work and sit with

me. I suggested that maybe I would be ok if he stayed home with the

kids -- maybe my son could get some leave and stay with me. Or

maybe my friend from the Neil Diamond message board that lives in

the St Louis suburbs could hang out with me. I would send for a

friend from the Bahamas if she wasn't expecting a baby next month.

At least if my husband has to take unpaid leave, I will not be

totally losing my paycheck.

As I talked, I finally realized that my husband has been such a

crabby person lately (and especially this morning) because he is

scared. He was sitting there with tears in his eyes and looking

like an angry little boy. I have been angry, too. It seems like

anything I ask him to do either gets delegated to the kids, or I

have to end up doing it myself. And he keeps talking about

preparing the kids to do more around the house since I will need the

help? Well, that is a whole other subject.

So, as I went back to get prepped for the injections, he asked for

my cell phone so he could call his sister. He hadn't wanted to ask

for time off to take me to the doctor today -- he had wanted me to

reschedule for a monday when he is off. I wasn't willing to wait

for the next monday or early appointment at the end of November. I

need to see my pain doc NOW since I was already past due for

treatments because he did the myelogram instead.

I think I mentioned before that I had gotten a call two weeks ago

that the doctor had seen some kind of growth on my ovary, so I went

for an ultrasound. That was not a pleasant experience. I had known

to go to the appointment with a full bladder, but the radiology

assistant had asked me if I had been drinking lots of water. Well,

I don't much like water, so I must have had a look on my face that

said no despite the fact that I assured her that I needed to go to

the bathroom. She asked if it was an urgent need. I told her that

I have some incontinence issues and that if I felt it was urgent, I

would probably not make it to the bathroom. Insesitive young person

that she was, she brought me a big glass of water and proceeded to

leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours (I would have

left if I hadn't fallen asleep listening to my ipod). Then, the

person who was doing the ultrasound couldn't find my ovaries!! She

even tried sticking the thing up my vagina, and no ovaries. She

tried to call the doc's office to see what she was supposed to be

looking for, but of course they were already closed. Boy, was I

ever angry.

Well, Dr Eckman today wondered if he had sent me on a wild goose

chase and if maybe what he thought was a growth was really just a

loop of bowel. Or, maybe it had been a cyst and had burst before I

had the ultrasound. So, after doing my nerve root injections, they

had me drink some nasty stuff and did another CT scan of my pelvis,

and gave me some contrst dye and did another CT scan. The doctor

called me back to look at the films and I grabbed my husband's hand

and had him come look too (he ended up being late to work after all

instead of having his sister come pick me up). Sure enough, there

is something the size of a lemon where my ovary should be. And my

uterus is pushed mostly to the other side. Whether it is the

scoliosis pushing things out of place, or a cyst, or something else,

the doc doesn't know since that is not his specialty. But, he

thought I should get it checked out immediately and it would be

silly to have back surgery if I have ovarian cancer. He also said

it would be a horrible mess if it were a cyst and it ruptured after

having surgery.

So, while we were all three standing there, I asked him what he had

seen on my myelogram. He said it was a mess. I not only have

stenosis in the lower spine (which we had already guessed), but I

also have stenosis in my thoracic region. He said that he is not a

specialist in repairing backs, so Dr Bridwell would be the one who

would know what to do with the information. I told him that I had

planned to wait until summer to have the surgery, but that Dr B

might be able to work me in next month. He said that my condition

has worsened rapidly and severely and that I should have the surgery

as soon as possible (and that is quite a change from his previous

stance that I hadn't done enough drugs yet).

He had a dead serious look on his face and told my husband that we

should wait only long enough to find out what this thing is in my

belly and do something about it. He told me to get a list of

OB/GYNs that are in my network and call his scheduler first thing

tomorrow and he will let her know his recommendation from the docs

on the list. He said he hoped he wasn't stepping on the toes of my

PCP, and I laughed and said I had never been impressed with any of

the docs my PCP has referred me to and that I have been putting Dr

Eckman down on forms as my physician instead of my PCP.

We ended the meeting with him giving me a big hug -- and that was a

big surprise. I usually am flat on my belly when he is in the room

and am not used to seeing what he looks like, much less getting a

hug.

Meanwhile, my husband talked to his supervisor and his sister, and I

am going to call Bernie back tomorrow and ask her to pencil me in

for November. I am also going to call OB/GYNs and see if I can find

one that can see me next week and who knows how to read a CT scan.

Damn, I am not ready. In the back of my mind, I was thinking I

could still back out before June and that I am managing ok without

surgery.

On the other hand, when it not only hurts to sit, stand, and walk,

but I also wake up with more pain than I had before lying (laying?)

down, life as it is well and truly sucks.

And is my pain doc giving me less anesthetic, or just it just not

have the same effects anymore? I used to sleep for most of the 24

hours he wanted me to take it easy. But, here I am in pain in the

middle of the night and wide awake. I haven't taken the lortab very

often, but last time I was in enough pain to do so (because I

couldn't get comfortable enough to go to sleep at all), I graded

papers and put grades in the computer rather than falling asleep

(but don't tell my students or they will think that is the reason so

many of them made such lousy grades).

I think i will just go cry myself to sleep now. Thanks for letting

me vent. Any advice or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

[Guest guest]

Suzanne,

.... Oh sweet lady, I was feelin' every word you just wrote! My eyes

welled up and tears were sliding down my cheeks. As much pain and

frustration as you are going thru'... whether this is " the perfect

time " or not, how can you think you can wait til next summer!?!?

When I had my " revision gone wrong " December 3, 2003 (wow, it's

been that long I've been living this way, falling forward!), it was

not fun to be recovering during the holidays. Plus my divorce stuff

starting... But your post just now - the pain, the added

complications that just seem to naturally pop up when this stuff is

going on... I am so sorry you are going thru' this. I wish I could

just say f--- the job! Boy, do I remember sitting in my car,

wondering HOW was I going to get out of it and " do " a whole day of

work, with my " smiley " face slapped on my face, trying to conceal all

the pain I was in!!

Sweetie, find a way. I'm not a prayin' kind of gal, but if there

is any kind of greater spirit, and I do believe there is... I am

shootin' up some super-mega brain waves, full of good tho'ts just for

you!

Love, Marty

I went for my pain management apppointment today...

[Guest guest]

Suzanne,

I too had tears welling up as you told the part about your

husband....and about this suspicious mass. I know you sound like you

are dealing with it all....but I just want to say that I notice that

your plate is heaped full and I think it is unfair...not that life

ever is.

The hubbys do seem like they have the toughest job....and since none

of it is stuff that they can fix, I think they tend to feel helpless

which = a feeling of emasulation and sets up a few other issues that

can just make it hard on you. But my bet is you will see you way

through.

It seems like a good approach to go ahead and pencil in for surgery

and alert Bernie to all that is going on....

Please, don't quit your job if you don't have to...keep access to

all your benefits so you can have as many options going forward as

possible. It is going to be a crazy year coming up. The less

financial worries the better.

I soooooo wish I could be there to help.

Take Care, Cam