Re: Ok, need help from Adult Aspies

[Guest guest]

I just remmebered a couple more.

He has only 1 friend (who is a bit of a jerk, in my opinion) and has

trouble forming new friendships

Doesn't manage well in social settings w/ lots of other ppl

>

> In researching Asperger's Syndrome for my 6 yr old son, I'm seeing

> MANY Aspie behaviors in my husband.

>

> I'm a little stressed about it. It would certainly explain alot about

> him, let me tell ya!

>

> What resources are there for us to find him a diagnosis? What are some

> typical behaviors of adults w/ AS?

>

> Tim's behaviors are:

> Doesn't care about others feelings

> Is an expert on anything and everything

> Expert in the IT field (believes he IS the very best available)

> Main focus is basketball, obsessed

> Uses big words that aren't in most ppl's vocabulary

> Has to have instructions a little at a time, prefers lists

> Ambivalent about most things, including family activities

> Very much a homebody

> Doesn't show emotion

> Doesn't display affection

> Must have control of everything, including housekeeping

> Critical in the way he speaks to ppl, makes ppl feel foolish

> Doesn't pick up on ppl's social cues, can't read body lang.

> When I miscarried a year ago he showed little to no emotion about it

> and didn't seem to care when I sought attention elsewhere. Still

> doens't CARE about that aspect of it.

> Thinks if he ignores issues that they don't exist or will go away.

>

> This is starting to sound like I need a marriage therapist. lol!!

>

> anyway, any signs of asperger's?

>

> ~

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh, I was thinking how it would sure explain alot too, the day I

realized my husband may have it. We were at a Tony Attwood conference and we

kept looking at eachother during the part where he was talking about adults. I

don't know about a diagnosis but there are some books he suggested that I'm

definitly going to get. I have the list but I just realized it's at work. I'll

post it Monday. There were ones about being in a relationship with an Aspie that

I think would probably be the most beneficial.

<carriebeary77@...> wrote: In researching Asperger's

Syndrome for my 6 yr old son, I'm seeing

MANY Aspie behaviors in my husband.

I'm a little stressed about it. It would certainly explain alot about

him, let me tell ya!

What resources are there for us to find him a diagnosis? What are some

typical behaviors of adults w/ AS?

Tim's behaviors are:

Doesn't care about others feelings

Is an expert on anything and everything

Expert in the IT field (believes he IS the very best available)

Main focus is basketball, obsessed

Uses big words that aren't in most ppl's vocabulary

Has to have instructions a little at a time, prefers lists

Ambivalent about most things, including family activities

Very much a homebody

Doesn't show emotion

Doesn't display affection

Must have control of everything, including housekeeping

Critical in the way he speaks to ppl, makes ppl feel foolish

Doesn't pick up on ppl's social cues, can't read body lang.

When I miscarried a year ago he showed little to no emotion about it

and didn't seem to care when I sought attention elsewhere. Still

doens't CARE about that aspect of it.

Thinks if he ignores issues that they don't exist or will go away.

This is starting to sound like I need a marriage therapist. lol!!

anyway, any signs of asperger's?

~

[Guest guest]

This is from the FAAS website. Pam

Asperger's Syndrome is a newly recognized neurological disorder. It shares

many of the same characteristics of autism, although people with Asperger's

Syndrome do not have the accompanying disabilities. Those afflicted with this

syndrome have difficulty understanding what those around them think and feel.

As a result of this, they often behave inappropriately in social situations,

or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. Many Asperger sufferers

have a difficult time in planning and coping with change despite average or

above-average intelligence. This manifests itself as a notable lack of " common

sense " . There are many nuances to how this disorder affects the lives of

those afflicted as well as the lives of their families. It is the spouses and

the siblings and the children of those afflicted with Asperger's Syndrome whom

we are trying to reach. Especially those whose relative has not been

correctly diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome until well into their adulthood.

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness. What an eye opener it was talking w/ a friend of mine

last night. We were ust talking and it was like a lightbulb went on.

I'm NOT the only one who htinks Tim is different.

I will be very excited to get the names of those books when you post

on Monday. Thank you!

Last night was hard. When I got home dh & ds were asleep in the same

bed (fevers & both feeling sick) so I slept in ds's bed and ended up

crying myself to sleep. I cried when we really took notice that ds is

probably an aspie and now I cried because so is my husband. It felt

like a death sentence. Like I'm doomed to a marriage where I have to

fight for my emotional needs to be met.

Maybe I do need a therapist. LOL!

>

> Oh my gosh, I was thinking how it would sure explain alot too, the

day I realized my husband may have it. We were at a Tony Attwood

conference and we kept looking at eachother during the part where he

was talking about adults. I don't know about a diagnosis but there are

some books he suggested that I'm definitly going to get. I have the

list but I just realized it's at work. I'll post it Monday. There were

ones about being in a relationship with an Aspie that I think would

probably be the most beneficial.

[Guest guest]

Thnks Pam. I bookmarked that site last night.

Tim is VERY resistant to change. I have to force him to move, practically!

Another thing he does is ask advice about vehicle issues than he goes

and does the opposite or tries everyone's suggestion LAST, costing us

money, ultimately.

*sigh*

Well, we have entertained the htought of him being an aspie just a

week or so ago and he seemed ok w/ the possibility of it.

Boy, will his mother have kittens when we tell her we suspect. She

likes to remind us, " The boys were never like that when they were

younger! " Tim replies with, " Well we didn't have a neurological

disorder. " Well, I guess his response will be different now. lol!

I also wonder if my bro-in-law has it. He is an odd duck and in 10 yrs

of knowing him & 9 being married to his brother, only in the last 2 or

3 have he and I gotten to the point where we can joke around and be

friendly. He's very detached from people (yet he is in a customer sv.

job), hates change, expert on all things movie and syuper hero

related. Seriously, I quote a line from a movie and he can name it,

the year, the main characters, and what it was about. My husband can

do it w/ Star Trek (any of the spin offs and movies) as well as

movies. He is a packrat and collects things like super hero toys,

posters, etc. DH collects computer parts.

OH MY GOD someone save me from this! I can handle 1 aspie! What am I

to do with 2? Thankfully I don't see bro-in-law enough to be

concerned about interacting with him too much and we've finally found

a groove for ehrn we do interact! lol!

I have a good thing going w/ Max. I know my son and I don't take

things too personally.

Now how do I find a groove w/ my husband? Ay yi yi... You'd think I

would have figured soemthing out after 10 years of us being together!

But noooooo.

>

>

> This is from the FAAS website. Pam

> Asperger's Syndrome is a newly recognized neurological disorder. It

shares

> many of the same characteristics of autism, although people with

Asperger's

> Syndrome do not have the accompanying disabilities. Those afflicted

with this

> syndrome have difficulty understanding what those around them think

and feel.

> As a result of this, they often behave inappropriately in social

situations,

> or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. Many Asperger

sufferers

> have a difficult time in planning and coping with change despite

average or

> above-average intelligence. This manifests itself as a notable lack

of " common

> sense " . There are many nuances to how this disorder affects the

lives of

> those afflicted as well as the lives of their families. It is the

spouses and

> the siblings and the children of those afflicted with Asperger's

Syndrome whom

> we are trying to reach. Especially those whose relative has not been

> correctly diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome until well into their

adulthood.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

For me, realizing that my dh has a condition that explains why he behaves so

oddly really

made things easier in our marriage. So much of what you wrote in your list is

like my dh

too--even down to the miscarriage reactions. I found out the baby had died from

an

ultrasound several days in advance of the actual miscarriage and was told to

come back to

the ER when the actual miscarriage started. My husband insisted I could drive

myself, so I

did--which turned out to be A Very Bad Plan. Then, when they couldn't get the

bleeding

controlled and I called to ask him to come in too, he argued with me, saying

there wasn't

anything he could do, so why should he try to find someone to watch the kids in

the

middle of the night. I held that against him for years. Then I found out that

he has AS and

I realized that he *can't* react to emotions the way most people do. I went

through a

phase where I really considered whether I could stand to live like this--and I

concluded

that I certainly could. He has a lot of wonderful qualities, and he can't help

the things he

can't do. Now that I try to look at things from his perspective (knowing that

he can't look

at things from my perspective) it helps a lot. It also helps that now *he*

knows he has AS,

he sees that there's some validity to my emotions even if he can't always fully

appreciate

it. He *tries.* Sometimes it's a little awkward and forced. We'll go out to

dinner, the three

of us: him, me, and his book, and if I tell him point blank that I want to have

a

conversation, he'll try. Granted, half the time he responds with things like

" Hmmm " which

don't exactly carry the conversation forward, but he's trying. If I really want

a conversation

with him, *I* bring up the things he really cares about like Buffy and

engineering. I'm

rambling, and those blasted line breaks are going to make this a pain to read

anyway, but

I just wanted you to know that *knowing* what's wrong can really make things

better in

the long run. Hang in there. There are things you can do that can help--like

being really

specific about what you want instead of hoping that he'll pick up on something

that should

be so obvious. The thing is, people with AS can love you intensely. Lots of

times, you're

all they have in that department. They just have a hard time showing it or they

show it in

other ways. When I lost half a breast, my dh spent the day up on the roof

retarring the

chimney and whatnot. But that same day he also went out and bought the best

mattress

we could (barely) afford. I love that thing. It's so comfortable--and it was

*his* way of

telling me that he wanted to take care of me. I hope some of this makes sense.

Or maybe

*I* just need a marriage counselor too. (Actually, we did that, and it helped

too--nothing

like handling things logically to help an Aspie understand what's going on.)

Sue

>

> Oh my goodness. What an eye opener it was talking w/ a friend of mine

> last night. We were ust talking and it was like a lightbulb went on.

> I'm NOT the only one who htinks Tim is different.

>

> I will be very excited to get the names of those books when you post

> on Monday. Thank you!

>

> Last night was hard. When I got home dh & ds were asleep in the same

> bed (fevers & both feeling sick) so I slept in ds's bed and ended up

> crying myself to sleep. I cried when we really took notice that ds is

> probably an aspie and now I cried because so is my husband. It felt

> like a death sentence. Like I'm doomed to a marriage where I have to

> fight for my emotional needs to be met.

>

> Maybe I do need a therapist. LOL!

[Guest guest]

My mother divorced my father because she couldn't stand his emotional

detachment and even now after they have been divorced for 24 years she

says that if she had known that something like AS existed it would

have been different for them. My step-mom and he have worked things

out very well and she always says that since she has realized that my

father is clueless she has a much easier time of it. Basically if she

wants something from him she just has to tell him because when men

say, " I'm not a mind reader. " he really means it. He just doesn't

pick up those cues. Also I've said it before and I will probably say

it again, " Just because you can not tell that they have emotions about

someting does not mean that they actually don't. " When I had my own

miscarriages I am sure that there was more than one person who thought

that I didn't care because I just don't come off that way. You don't

know really. I mean think of it like the reverse of your situation.

He doesn't know what's going on in your head. he simply doesn't get

it. But the reverse is true too. There's a whole lot going in the

head of AS person that you will never know. Unless you can get him

to express himself and fat chance of that since expression is very

unlikely to be one of his strong suits. There's a book called In Love

With Mr. Spock that you might try too. I didn't see that one mentioned.

Amber

> Thnks Pam. I bookmarked that site last night.

>

> Tim is VERY resistant to change. I have to force him to move,

practically!

>

> Another thing he does is ask advice about vehicle issues than he goes

> and does the opposite or tries everyone's suggestion LAST, costing us

> money, ultimately.

>

> *sigh*

>

> Well, we have entertained the htought of him being an aspie just a

> week or so ago and he seemed ok w/ the possibility of it.

>

> Boy, will his mother have kittens when we tell her we suspect. She

> likes to remind us, " The boys were never like that when they were

> younger! " Tim replies with, " Well we didn't have a neurological

> disorder. " Well, I guess his response will be different now. lol!

>

> I also wonder if my bro-in-law has it. He is an odd duck and in 10 yrs

> of knowing him & 9 being married to his brother, only in the last 2 or

> 3 have he and I gotten to the point where we can joke around and be

> friendly. He's very detached from people (yet he is in a customer sv.

> job), hates change, expert on all things movie and syuper hero

> related. Seriously, I quote a line from a movie and he can name it,

> the year, the main characters, and what it was about. My husband can

> do it w/ Star Trek (any of the spin offs and movies) as well as

> movies. He is a packrat and collects things like super hero toys,

> posters, etc. DH collects computer parts.

>

> OH MY GOD someone save me from this! I can handle 1 aspie! What am I

> to do with 2? Thankfully I don't see bro-in-law enough to be

> concerned about interacting with him too much and we've finally found

> a groove for ehrn we do interact! lol!

>

> I have a good thing going w/ Max. I know my son and I don't take

> things too personally.

>

> Now how do I find a groove w/ my husband? Ay yi yi... You'd think I

> would have figured soemthing out after 10 years of us being together!

> But noooooo.

>

>

> >

> >

> > This is from the FAAS website. Pam

> > Asperger's Syndrome is a newly recognized neurological disorder. It

> shares

> > many of the same characteristics of autism, although people with

> Asperger's

> > Syndrome do not have the accompanying disabilities. Those afflicted

> with this

> > syndrome have difficulty understanding what those around them think

> and feel.

> > As a result of this, they often behave inappropriately in social

> situations,

> > or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. Many Asperger

> sufferers

> > have a difficult time in planning and coping with change despite

> average or

> > above-average intelligence. This manifests itself as a notable lack

> of " common

> > sense " . There are many nuances to how this disorder affects the

> lives of

> > those afflicted as well as the lives of their families. It is the

> spouses and

> > the siblings and the children of those afflicted with Asperger's

> Syndrome whom

> > we are trying to reach. Especially those whose relative has not

been

> > correctly diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome until well into their

> adulthood.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I remember, In Love With Dr. Spock is one of the books that Tony Attwood had on

the list.

Amber <tootsanderson@...> wrote: My mother divorced my father

because she couldn't stand his emotional

detachment and even now after they have been divorced for 24 years she

says that if she had known that something like AS existed it would

have been different for them. My step-mom and he have worked things

out very well and she always says that since she has realized that my

father is clueless she has a much easier time of it. Basically if she

wants something from him she just has to tell him because when men

say, " I'm not a mind reader. " he really means it. He just doesn't

pick up those cues. Also I've said it before and I will probably say

it again, " Just because you can not tell that they have emotions about

someting does not mean that they actually don't. " When I had my own

miscarriages I am sure that there was more than one person who thought

that I didn't care because I just don't come off that way. You don't

know really. I mean think of it like the reverse of your situation.

He doesn't know what's going on in your head. he simply doesn't get

it. But the reverse is true too. There's a whole lot going in the

head of AS person that you will never know. Unless you can get him

to express himself and fat chance of that since expression is very

unlikely to be one of his strong suits. There's a book called In Love

With Mr. Spock that you might try too. I didn't see that one mentioned.

Amber

> Thnks Pam. I bookmarked that site last night.

>

> Tim is VERY resistant to change. I have to force him to move,

practically!

>

> Another thing he does is ask advice about vehicle issues than he goes

> and does the opposite or tries everyone's suggestion LAST, costing us

> money, ultimately.

>

> *sigh*

>

> Well, we have entertained the htought of him being an aspie just a

> week or so ago and he seemed ok w/ the possibility of it.

>

> Boy, will his mother have kittens when we tell her we suspect. She

> likes to remind us, " The boys were never like that when they were

> younger! " Tim replies with, " Well we didn't have a neurological

> disorder. " Well, I guess his response will be different now. lol!

>

> I also wonder if my bro-in-law has it. He is an odd duck and in 10 yrs

> of knowing him & 9 being married to his brother, only in the last 2 or

> 3 have he and I gotten to the point where we can joke around and be

> friendly. He's very detached from people (yet he is in a customer sv.

> job), hates change, expert on all things movie and syuper hero

> related. Seriously, I quote a line from a movie and he can name it,

> the year, the main characters, and what it was about. My husband can

> do it w/ Star Trek (any of the spin offs and movies) as well as

> movies. He is a packrat and collects things like super hero toys,

> posters, etc. DH collects computer parts.

>

> OH MY GOD someone save me from this! I can handle 1 aspie! What am I

> to do with 2? Thankfully I don't see bro-in-law enough to be

> concerned about interacting with him too much and we've finally found

> a groove for ehrn we do interact! lol!

>

> I have a good thing going w/ Max. I know my son and I don't take

> things too personally.

>

> Now how do I find a groove w/ my husband? Ay yi yi... You'd think I

> would have figured soemthing out after 10 years of us being together!

> But noooooo.

>

>

> >

> >

> > This is from the FAAS website. Pam

> > Asperger's Syndrome is a newly recognized neurological disorder. It

> shares

> > many of the same characteristics of autism, although people with

> Asperger's

> > Syndrome do not have the accompanying disabilities. Those afflicted

> with this

> > syndrome have difficulty understanding what those around them think

> and feel.

> > As a result of this, they often behave inappropriately in social

> situations,

> > or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. Many Asperger

> sufferers

> > have a difficult time in planning and coping with change despite

> average or

> > above-average intelligence. This manifests itself as a notable lack

> of " common

> > sense " . There are many nuances to how this disorder affects the

> lives of

> > those afflicted as well as the lives of their families. It is the

> spouses and

> > the siblings and the children of those afflicted with Asperger's

> Syndrome whom

> > we are trying to reach. Especially those whose relative has not

been

> > correctly diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome until well into their

> adulthood.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I know how you feel. And we did therapy for a little while and that seemed to

help open things up for us. The therapist got sick though and I just found a new

one but we haven't gone yet. We're going to though. I just think it really

helps.

<carriebeary77@...> wrote: Oh my goodness. What an eye

opener it was talking w/ a friend of mine

last night. We were ust talking and it was like a lightbulb went on.

I'm NOT the only one who htinks Tim is different.

I will be very excited to get the names of those books when you post

on Monday. Thank you!

Last night was hard. When I got home dh & ds were asleep in the same

bed (fevers & both feeling sick) so I slept in ds's bed and ended up

crying myself to sleep. I cried when we really took notice that ds is

probably an aspie and now I cried because so is my husband. It felt

like a death sentence. Like I'm doomed to a marriage where I have to

fight for my emotional needs to be met.

Maybe I do need a therapist. LOL!

>

> Oh my gosh, I was thinking how it would sure explain alot too, the

day I realized my husband may have it. We were at a Tony Attwood

conference and we kept looking at eachother during the part where he

was talking about adults. I don't know about a diagnosis but there are

some books he suggested that I'm definitly going to get. I have the

list but I just realized it's at work. I'll post it Monday. There were

ones about being in a relationship with an Aspie that I think would

probably be the most beneficial.

[Guest guest]

My husband also seems to have a limit to how much he can handle and

fatigues at a certain point and will not push himself past that

point (tough when you have 2 kids). Needless to say I work very

hard and am often resentful.

I go to a lot of other people too for emotional connections and my

husband doesn't seem to mind either. My husband even has trouble

dealing with intimacy. After all you need to be able to read the

other person's cues. My husband has also had poor social judgment

with my family and our neighbors and has alienated many of them. He

is getting better as he gets older (now 33) but I hope I can hang in

there!

Debbie

>

> In researching Asperger's Syndrome for my 6 yr old son, I'm seeing

> MANY Aspie behaviors in my husband.

>

> I'm a little stressed about it. It would certainly explain alot

about

> him, let me tell ya!

>

> What resources are there for us to find him a diagnosis? What are

some

> typical behaviors of adults w/ AS?

>

> Tim's behaviors are:

> Doesn't care about others feelings

> Is an expert on anything and everything

> Expert in the IT field (believes he IS the very best available)

> Main focus is basketball, obsessed

> Uses big words that aren't in most ppl's vocabulary

> Has to have instructions a little at a time, prefers lists

> Ambivalent about most things, including family activities

> Very much a homebody

> Doesn't show emotion

> Doesn't display affection

> Must have control of everything, including housekeeping

> Critical in the way he speaks to ppl, makes ppl feel foolish

> Doesn't pick up on ppl's social cues, can't read body lang.

> When I miscarried a year ago he showed little to no emotion about

it

> and didn't seem to care when I sought attention elsewhere. Still

> doens't CARE about that aspect of it.

> Thinks if he ignores issues that they don't exist or will go away.

>

> This is starting to sound like I need a marriage therapist. lol!!

>

> anyway, any signs of asperger's?

>

> ~

>

[Guest guest]

-I forgot, I did read the Spock book which I got at Tony's

conference. I found it helpful and interesting, especially why she

was drawn to her Aspie because it was similar for me and I have a

similar personality to the author. The Aspie in the book did not

have a mild form of AS, he was definitely pretty involved so some

things did not apply to my relationship. All in all I thought it

was helpful.

Debbie

-- In , " " <carriebeary77@...>

wrote:

>

> In researching Asperger's Syndrome for my 6 yr old son, I'm seeing

> MANY Aspie behaviors in my husband.

>

> I'm a little stressed about it. It would certainly explain alot

about

> him, let me tell ya!

>

> What resources are there for us to find him a diagnosis? What are

some

> typical behaviors of adults w/ AS?

>

> Tim's behaviors are:

> Doesn't care about others feelings

> Is an expert on anything and everything

> Expert in the IT field (believes he IS the very best available)

> Main focus is basketball, obsessed

> Uses big words that aren't in most ppl's vocabulary

> Has to have instructions a little at a time, prefers lists

> Ambivalent about most things, including family activities

> Very much a homebody

> Doesn't show emotion

> Doesn't display affection

> Must have control of everything, including housekeeping

> Critical in the way he speaks to ppl, makes ppl feel foolish

> Doesn't pick up on ppl's social cues, can't read body lang.

> When I miscarried a year ago he showed little to no emotion about

it

> and didn't seem to care when I sought attention elsewhere. Still

> doens't CARE about that aspect of it.

> Thinks if he ignores issues that they don't exist or will go away.

>

> This is starting to sound like I need a marriage therapist. lol!!

>

> anyway, any signs of asperger's?

>

> ~

>

[Guest guest]

I slept in ds's bed and ended up

> > crying myself to sleep. I cried when we really took notice that ds

is

> > probably an aspie and now I cried because so is my husband. It felt

> > like a death sentence. Like I'm doomed to a marriage where I have

to

> > fight for my emotional needs to be met.

> >

> > Maybe I do need a therapist. LOL!

I can relate. I am just now starting to realize what is going on with

my DS, and see qualities in my DH, and yes...I am feeling quite a bit

depressed about what lies ahead for me. I know that we can do this

though. We are strong women, But it's ok to break down and

frankly...I am feeling pretty sorry for myself right now.

>

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to jump in here. I've been getting this list for a while,

but barely have time to work, so I haven't read much. But I just read

this thread and think I will start reading more.

When our son was diagnosed with AS, I realized that I had many of the

symptoms as well. I don't know if I would have been diagnosed, or

would be now. I tend to think that I have shadows of AS, but not a

full fledged case. But I think my brother may have it, and my other

brother may have shadows. My dad clearly has some major problem, but

it's hard to say what, though he also has signs. As I learned more

about neurological development and disorder, one thing became clear;

our brains are different, and that is probably behind a lot of what

our limitations (and strengths) are, whether or not there is enough

disfunction for a diagnosis.

But what really drives me to post is this. If many dads are finding

out they have AS only once our kids are diagnosed, doesn't that mean

that they are 1. married, 2. presumingly earning a living, 3. living

on their own without assistance? The stats on Adults with AS show

that most are not making these important developmental marks, but

isn't it possible that many adults with AS are simply not being

considered since they are not being diagnosed?

This isn't at all to say that help is not needed. Lord knows, I've

needed it. But it does help calm me to know that with no help, many

people with AS may have at least functioned. But I don't really know.

I'd like to think this is true.

[Guest guest]

Sue, WOW. This is exactly what I need to read right now.

I've told him for quite some time that trying to talk to him is " like

talking to a wall! " Now we know why! And what is with bringing a book

or magazine to dinner? My bro in law does it, too.

Since I can understand my son, I need to also understand my husband.

I'm so sorry about the way your miscarriage went. It was the events

after mine that didn't go well for us. Alcohol became a very good

friend for several months because he would just be on his laptop

constantly. It was all very weird.

I'll have to work on remembering why I fell in love w/ him in the

first place because those traits are still there.

You're right - knowing what's wrong helps. It helps w/ Max and it will

help w/ Tim, too.

Thank you.

~

>

> For me, realizing that my dh has a condition that explains why he

behaves so oddly really

> made things easier in our marriage. So much of what you wrote in

your list is like my dh

> too--even down to the miscarriage reactions. I found out the baby

had died from an

> ultrasound several days in advance of the actual miscarriage and was

told to come back to

> the ER when the actual miscarriage started. My husband insisted I

could drive myself, so I

> did--which turned out to be A Very Bad Plan. Then, when they

couldn't get the bleeding

> controlled and I called to ask him to come in too, he argued with

me, saying there wasn't

> anything he could do, so why should he try to find someone to watch

the kids in the

> middle of the night. I held that against him for years. Then I

found out that he has AS and

> I realized that he *can't* react to emotions the way most people do.

I went through a

> phase where I really considered whether I could stand to live like

this--and I concluded

> that I certainly could. He has a lot of wonderful qualities, and he

can't help the things he

> can't do. Now that I try to look at things from his perspective

(knowing that he can't look

> at things from my perspective) it helps a lot. It also helps that

now *he* knows he has AS,

> he sees that there's some validity to my emotions even if he can't

always fully appreciate

> it. He *tries.* Sometimes it's a little awkward and forced. We'll

go out to dinner, the three

> of us: him, me, and his book, and if I tell him point blank that I

want to have a

> conversation, he'll try. Granted, half the time he responds with

things like " Hmmm " which

> don't exactly carry the conversation forward, but he's trying. If I

really want a conversation

> with him, *I* bring up the things he really cares about like Buffy

and engineering. I'm

> rambling, and those blasted line breaks are going to make this a

pain to read anyway, but

> I just wanted you to know that *knowing* what's wrong can really

make things better in

> the long run. Hang in there. There are things you can do that can

help--like being really

> specific about what you want instead of hoping that he'll pick up on

something that should

> be so obvious. The thing is, people with AS can love you intensely.

Lots of times, you're

> all they have in that department. They just have a hard time

showing it or they show it in

> other ways. When I lost half a breast, my dh spent the day up on

the roof retarring the

> chimney and whatnot. But that same day he also went out and bought

the best mattress

> we could (barely) afford. I love that thing. It's so

comfortable--and it was *his* way of

> telling me that he wanted to take care of me. I hope some of this

makes sense. Or maybe

> *I* just need a marriage counselor too. (Actually, we did that, and

it helped too--nothing

> like handling things logically to help an Aspie understand what's

going on.)

>

> Sue

[Guest guest]

That's a very good point to bring out, . The mere fact that they

can go on to have successful lives is an encouragement. Now, the

struggles they have in relationships will be there, but with the right

tools it can be helped.

I guess our next job is to get dh diagnosed, too. Good thing one of

his clients is a neurologist...

~

>

> Just wanted to jump in here. I've been getting this list for a while,

> but barely have time to work, so I haven't read much. But I just read

> this thread and think I will start reading more.

>

> When our son was diagnosed with AS, I realized that I had many of the

> symptoms as well. I don't know if I would have been diagnosed, or

> would be now. I tend to think that I have shadows of AS, but not a

> full fledged case. But I think my brother may have it, and my other

> brother may have shadows. My dad clearly has some major problem, but

> it's hard to say what, though he also has signs. As I learned more

> about neurological development and disorder, one thing became clear;

> our brains are different, and that is probably behind a lot of what

> our limitations (and strengths) are, whether or not there is enough

> disfunction for a diagnosis.

>

> But what really drives me to post is this. If many dads are finding

> out they have AS only once our kids are diagnosed, doesn't that mean

> that they are 1. married, 2. presumingly earning a living, 3. living

> on their own without assistance? The stats on Adults with AS show

> that most are not making these important developmental marks, but

> isn't it possible that many adults with AS are simply not being

> considered since they are not being diagnosed?

>

> This isn't at all to say that help is not needed. Lord knows, I've

> needed it. But it does help calm me to know that with no help, many

> people with AS may have at least functioned. But I don't really know.

> I'd like to think this is true.

>

>

>