Need to Vent!

May 22, 2005

Hi Ramona,

I take it dad is in " fit shape " as to doesn't need to lose weight

himself? I think others who have never had to worry about

weight/extra fat just cannot understand the situation for those

people who do. (sort of like those who don't get OCD!)

Assuming he is one you can get to sit down and talk to, I would

suggest that you have a talk with him about being supportive rather

than critical. Plus will help the relationship itself. And an

occasional " off diet " food will not ruin the whole diet itself. I

imagine he doesn't " get it " that the medication helped put the weight

on?

Other than that, talking to your dd about how " some people " just do

not understand or are " just that way " or " that type person " and

teaching her to ignore it as he would be that way towards anyone,

etc., etc., not to take it personally (hard to do, I know, I had/have

a critical mom myself)....

There is a " medication induced weight gain " article in our FILES

section here, perhaps something in that (if he'd read it) might help.

Wish I had " the " solution for you! I just learned to ignore my mom,

didn't stop bad feelings though, I'm still sensitive to criticism at

my age today! I have taught my kids to ignore her, though it

still " gets " to them a bit, they've realized this is " just how she

is. "

> I am feeling so bad for my dd right now. She has had so much weight

> gain from the Zoloft she was on. She is on Lexapro now & really

> trying to lose the weight. She has been a lot more active & eating

a

> very healthy diet. I am so proud of her because in the past she has

> tried fad diets which never work. Today I fixed a peach cobbler.

She

May 22, 2005

Hi, Ramona. I felt so sad when you described what happened between your

daughter and your husband. He is bullying her and that will never be good. Are

you able to call it that to him and point out that he is doing it? Is he the

kind of person you can put your foot down with? I would explain to him that it

is not okay and that you and your daughter won't be treated like that. My

oldest daughter and I recently joined Weight Watchers together and have gotten

lots of support from the family. Since I'm in charge of meals, we are all

eating better. It isn't always easy but Hannah's done very well so far. Keep

praising your daughter and telling her how special she is. Good luck! Kelley

in

NV

May 22, 2005

Hi Ramona:

Please do not feel you need to apologize for whining. This list is for

mutual support and you have every reason to be upset about the situation

you describe.

Does you husband understand that SSRIs work to slow the metabolism as

well as amplify carbo cravings? This double whammy makes it extra hard

for our kids, who are often on high dosages of their meds, to control

their weight.

Does he understand that people are actually less likely to be able to

fight the weight battle when they are being ridiculed, particularly if

they are teens, and so this approach is unlikely to get the outcome he

is seeking?

You must be very proud of the struggle your daughter has been waging and

her ability to switch to sensible dieting/weight control. She is very

lucky to have a supportive mom like you.

Our son Steve has had a lot of weight battles, he is a graduate of

Weight Watchers (we went together and lost our SSRI weight together) and

tries very hard to control his intake. I wish he was more active and

did less computer games, but this struggle is his. What I can do is try

to keep the fridge stocked with vegetables, fruits and low carb/low fat

snacks. It has been hard at times to see our slender guy morph into an

overweight person who was ridiculed by classmates.

Is your family working with a psychiatrist or psychologist who could

discuss this situation with your husband and encourage him to focus on

the most effective way he can support your daughter with this challenge?

Sometimes it is easier on a marriage if the spouses do not have to enter

into conflict about these issues all the time without assistance.

My dh and I have often had differing views on how to cope with OCD and

its effect on our family. Sometimes I have been the one who was too

impatient and did not allow my dh time to grieve what has happened. I

expected more from him than he could do at the time so I had to learn

patience. Other times I was the one who was not up to the situation, it

is just very hard to live with OCD and always respond appropriately with

wisdom and good judgment.

Good luck, please keep us posted on how your daughter is doing, take

care, aloha, Kathy (h)

kathy.hi@...

need to vent!

I am feeling so bad for my dd right now. She has had so much weight

gain from the Zoloft she was on. She is on Lexapro now & really

trying to lose the weight. She has been a lot more active & eating a

very healthy diet. I am so proud of her because in the past she has

tried fad diets which never work. Today I fixed a peach cobbler. She

and her boyfriend each had some for dessert this evening. My totally

insensitive husband made the comment that if she eats like that she

can't complain about her big fat belly hainging over her jeans

because it is her own fault. Naturally she ended up in a total

meltdown, mad at me because I let him talk to her like that. I guess

he said something to her yesterday about being fat too. I could just

strangle him sometimes! Does anyone else have to deal with someone

who is so insulting? She totally hates him. Then he gets mad at her

for crying and leaves the house. Her boyfriend & I finally convinced

her to go to the movies. So she is gone right now. I am hoping it

will take her mind off it. I know how bad she is hurt because he

says the same things to me. Well got to get off here. He is back. I

would appreciate any ideas on how to handle this situation.

Sorry to whine so much.

Ramona

May 23, 2005

Hi Ramona,

I am a bit late jumping in but wanted to give my 2 cents worth.. We can

not control what words others decide to use or how one will feel by our

remarks but it is important that your daughter understands that her dad may

be as frustrated and confused and his words are caused by the stress of

misunderstanding. Another point, beauty comes from within, and if you could

comfort your daughter and help her with feeling good about who she is inside

and the power of internal beauty it may help her cope with negative comments

from anyone not just her dad. It is very sad when the words of others can

hurt so deeply.

I also feel for you, it is so, so difficult being in the middle of the child

and your husband. It may help you if you define some rules for the entire

family to follow such as no negative remarks that could be hurtful. This

way you are not taking sides or letting the situation continue. We tell our

young children if you can not say something nice do not say it at

all........adults sometimes need to be reminded of this lesson. I hope you

can find some resolution with all the suggestions and we will be thinking of

you along the way.

Take care,

_____

From:

[mailto: ] On Behalf Of mona_t60

Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2005 9:58 PM

Subject: need to vent!