Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Hi , Welcome to posting and please, please do not hesitate ot ever start a new topic when ever you feel like. I have 2 boys - Austen 5 1/2 (AS) and 2 1/2 (HFA). I always knew with both boys that they did things or acted unusual - Austen was diagnosed in utero with 47XXY so we knew from the get-go there may be some concerns with him. As to your questions, I comfort Austen a little different from because of their ages and because is not to verbal. With , his comforting invovles hugging, singing and soft talking. With Austen, it will depend upon the situation and his reaction to it. At times I hug or cuddle, other times I listen and offer solutions and still other times I ask him what he would do differently the next time. I always listen to the proble or issue and depending upon what it is will determine my comforting. What you need to remember and remind yourself whenever this happens with your parents is that maybe your parents are not capable of giving you the comfort you wish for. I will give you an example: Both of my parents are still alive as are my In-Laws. I have always been very close with my parents but it is not the same with my In-Laws. I have a very open relationship with my parents and can tell them exactly how I feel and will directly ask them if something is wrong and they will tell me. My In-Laws are not that way - if I directly ask them if I have upset them, they always seem shocked - like they cannot believe I would just come out and ask. I love them dearly and I am close with them but not in the same way as my own parents. Even my husband's relationship with his parents is this way. Now, after 17 years of marriage and the loss of our first baby, I am closer with my In-Laws but I will never expect them to be the same as my parents. From what you ahve described, it sounds like your parents have never accepted or even understand your uniqueness. My husband has this same problem and I have to constantly remind him that our sons do not think or interpret things the same way he or I do. I do not know if he will ever fully understand or accept everything but at least he does try. If you do not have anyone you feel comfortable with to discuss things, please do a post and I (and probably and bunch of others) will gladly help, support and comfort you if we can. I know it won't be the same as your own parents but you will have someone to listen and understand. If you get to feeling alone or upset, do not isolate yourself. Call your friends or go visit them, do not wall yourself up. Sorry this was so long.. Holly ************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Welcome! I have two children with asperger's ( 12 yo girl and 7 yo son) and when they are upset, I use sign language to get their attention (they get overly upset over tiny things and this gets their attention cause they have to LOOK to see what I am saying) and then if they are able to talk it over we do. We always end with a hug and I squeeze their hand lightly three times (which they love!) to secretly mean " I love you " . It always gets a smile. BUT it took time and training (doing it over and over, social stories and explanations) to get this as routine) I wish you the best here and maybe someone has better ideas as my kiddos are young yet. Mom of three spec needs kiddos and two typical stepteens > > Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just > replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I > figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with > my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. > > My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able > to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. > > What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting > him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What > is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another > person? > > When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you > want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? > > When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If > you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there > physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, > etc)? > > Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What > usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they > notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to > " help. " > > **** > The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when > someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of > this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont > say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then > get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want > them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm > sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going > through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated > and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know > NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. > So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going > to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow > maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time > when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to > acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c > I do not ready body language for the most part. > > I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my > problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said > that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate > her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather > die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could > possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words > to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that > verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I > tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful > thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously > refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am > suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a > very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive > said.) > > Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o > Aspie. > > How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? > > Kate > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Hi Kate, I am a newbie to all of this so I won't say too very much. But I will let you know how we handle that here. First, I never, ever, tell my daughter that I know how she feels, because I can't know. Her feelings are individual to her and how she feels or reacts to something is nothing I can know because I can't see inside of her. But I do try to get her to tell me what is upseting her, how she feels about it and ask what I can do to help. This enables her to tell me exactly what I need to do because like I said, I don't always know. Normally if she is upset, I throw my arms around her or put her in my lap...she is only 9 so I can still do that, and then we start from there. This lets her know she has my undivided attention. I am not busy doing anything other than trying to help her, whatever that may take. It really helps her to know that 1. she has me all to herself, 2. she can tell me what is upsetting her without me doing the " guessing game " . 3. She can tell me how it is making her feel and let me know what I can do to help her. If she doesn't know what I can do to help, we spend as much time as needed to figure it out...together. This seems to work most of the time if she is upset. If she is " raging " that is a totally different ballgame. I hope I helped some -Beth > > Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just > replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I > figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with > my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. > > My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able > to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. > > What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting > him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What > is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another > person? > > When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you > want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? > > When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If > you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there > physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, > etc)? > > Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What > usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they > notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to > " help. " > > **** > The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when > someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of > this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont > say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then > get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want > them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm > sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going > through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated > and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know > NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. > So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going > to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow > maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time > when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to > acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c > I do not ready body language for the most part. > > I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my > problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said > that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate > her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather > die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could > possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words > to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that > verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I > tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful > thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously > refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am > suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a > very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive > said.) > > Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o > Aspie. > > How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? > > Kate > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Kate, I am so sorry that your parents don't appear to understand your needs. Your posting has given me great insight. I will be more aware and respond to my boy's pain verbally. Eyde Kasey & Atypical Autism NOS ( ) Recieving comfort Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another person? When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, etc)? Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to " help. " **** The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c I do not ready body language for the most part. I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive said.) Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o Aspie. How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Hi Kate, It sounds like you're having a really tough time with your parents. I'm NOT an Aspie, but I completely understand what you're going through, because my parents had no idea how to be there for me either, and when I told them what I needed, they refused too. Do you have others in your life to whom you could explain the situation? Grandparents? Friends? Former teachers? A therapist? Co- workers? I have worked very hard to teach my husband how to be there in the way that I need, and it took awhile but he's doing it!!! It is definitely not worth giving up your life. If you're anything like my Aspie little girl, you have a lot of potential, and yes, you have to work harder than a lot of people, but you can do it! When I am upset, I usually need to be held, and I need someone to express that they've heard me, and that they're there for me and that somehow it will be alright. Sometimes I need advice or a positive outlook too. It depends on the situation. And if those around me can't figure out what I need, I tell them. Huge hugs to you my friend, Meira > > Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just > replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I > figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with > my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. > > My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able > to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. > > What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting > him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What > is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another > person? > > When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you > want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? > > When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If > you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there > physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, > etc)? > > Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What > usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they > notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to > " help. " > > **** > The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when > someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of > this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont > say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then > get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want > them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm > sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going > through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated > and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know > NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. > So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going > to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow > maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time > when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to > acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c > I do not ready body language for the most part. > > I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my > problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said > that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate > her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather > die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could > possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words > to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that > verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I > tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful > thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously > refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am > suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a > very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive > said.) > > Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o > Aspie. > > How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? > > Kate > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Hi . I think it's great to hear from you because most of us have younger kids and would love, first of all, to hear about you and your life. Even your struggles and to hear how you have and are dealing with them. As far as your parents,,,,,,,,,,,I guess we, as parents, don't always do what's best in our child's interest. Sometimes, we simply do what comes naturally to us. It's easier for many to hug, than to open up and communicate. Honestly,,,,,,,try to accept your parents as the way they are. They obviously have love for you,,,,,,,but sound like they aren't handling it in the best way. Do you have other family or friends/work/church/school/etc, that if you say " what you need " , will respond better for you? I don't think you should give up on " requesting " what you want. EVER!!!! It's a journey. You will be doing this for much of your life...........maybe with a husband someday. After 16 years, I'm still explaining to him " what would make me feel better in a situation " . haa haa. But,,,,,,,,,don't give up. We were all made sooooo beautifully and differently!!! You are living proof of that. You write very eloquently,,,,,and I'd love to hear more. Have a wonderful day. Robin Kate Goldfield <Kgoldfie@...> wrote: Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another person? When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, etc)? Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to " help. " **** The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c I do not ready body language for the most part. I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive said.) Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o Aspie. How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 I sent two private messages to Kate, so don't think I am just responding insensitively. Kate, You can also teach yourself to learn body language. They have books of faces frowning, crying, angry, different races and ethnicities, body language, etc. I know that this may seem like, oh man, something else I have to learn differently, but we all have our unique abilities and places that we need to work on, whether we are NT's or not. twinsmom40219@... wrote: Kate, I am so sorry that your parents don't appear to understand your needs. Your posting has given me great insight. I will be more aware and respond to my boy's pain verbally. Eyde Kasey & Atypical Autism NOS ( ) Recieving comfort Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another person? When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, etc)? Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to " help. " **** The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c I do not ready body language for the most part. I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive said.) Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o Aspie. How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Oh Kate I'm so sorry that you feel so alone ~*BIG HUGS*~ What an awful feeling that is. I'll try to answer your questions as best I can. They're very good questions, ones I haven't really thought of before so thank you for making me think! =) >>>What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting him. " <<< When I first read that sentence, I immediately visualized the " she " in this sentence with her arm around him and hugging him as she looked at him. I comfort different people in different ways depending on the person involved. For example, if it's one of my two younger children, I'll hold them on my lap and hug them close and kiss them. As they tell me what has upset them. Then I try to imagine how I might feel in the same situation because a lot of times it might sound so petty, but to them it's heartbreaking. So I try to acknowledge that by saying, " That must have hurt your feelings and made you feel very sad. I know I sure would have felt sad, too! " Then we talk of ways that the problem could possibly be solved and how to handle it if it happens again. My oldest is different though, he tries to laugh things off like nothing bothers him so he doesn't want a " big deal " made of it. So when he tells me that someone at school has called him a name I handle it a little differently. I'll say something like " Well that's clearly not true, you're definitely not stupid (or whatever the name was), but I know it can still make you angry and hurt your feelings even knowing it's not true. " Then I'll remind him that people say things they don't *really* mean and that if it keeps happening, he should ask a teacher to tell the child to stop. I think that helps him feel better because it reminds him that even though it hurts, it's not true and that he has the ability to have power over the situation by speaking to a teacher about it. My best friend is different too in another way. When I comfort someone, my immediate reaction is to give them a hug (I'm a hugger lol) but she doesn't like to be touched. So I open up with her and share with her in less physical ways. I'll let her see how angry and/or upset it makes me too as she tells me what's happened and how she feels about it, then if I have a similar situation that I've been through, I'll share it with her in hopes that she'll know she's not alone. Each time though, with each person, I try to show a sign of encouragement in some way. When a person is sad or angry, it's easy to feel vulnerable and alone and to forget how truly strong we all really are. >>>Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to " help " <<< When I'm upset, I do want people to understand why I'm upset. Sometimes I wonder if I should be feeling upset of if I'm overreacting. When I'm around others and they notice I'm upset they do try to help. Usually they'll put their arm around me or hug me and ask what's wrong and then they listen. Usually, like you said, I don't really need advice as much as I just need someone to understand, but I do like hearing how others might handle the same problem. I think a lot of times, if not most of the time, when someone tries to put a positive spin on things, they're just trying to make things seem not so bad, but I agree with you, that's not much help, if it's really even any help at all. It's like they're refusing to validate the feelings I'm having. Like you, it leaves me feeling alone thinking I'm the only one who would be upset over what the problem is. I do try to bring out a smile when talking with my kids about what's upsetting them, but not always. Sometimes it's just better to cry and not try to smile and push the pain aside, but to just let the tears out. Usually though, after we've talked about it and I've held them and they seem to be done discussing it, I'll say something silly in hopes of making them feel better so that they can see that things will get better and they will want to smile again. Goodness! I didn't mean to write a book! lol I was trying to not leave anything out though lol Anyway I hope this helps at least a little. I'm so sorry your parents, especially your step-mother, don't give your feelings the validation they should. Especially with your step-mother accusing you of trying to manipulate her just because you were trying to help her understand how to help you! I would *love* it if one of my kids said to me, " Mom, if you would do this, this and this, it would really help me a lot. " I'd be thrilled! I think it's wonderful that you were able to do that, to so specifically tell them what you need. I say good job to that! -Jenn, AEP (ADD, Bi-Polar, Anxiety/Depression) Proud Momma of Cory Albert (14yrs ADHD), h Dawn (12yrs Anxiety/Depression) and Jerry Lee " Trey " (9yrs ADHD, Bi-Polar, Asperger's) -- ( ) Recieving comfort Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another person? When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, etc)? Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to " help. " **** The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c I do not ready body language for the most part. I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive said.) Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o Aspie. How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2007 Report Share Posted April 3, 2007 Oddly enough, what you describe sounds very much like what is often described as a problem in male-female communication. That is, typically men want to give advice, while what a woman is actually seeking is comfort, acknowledgement, understanding. I have this problem with my husband a lot. He has given up saying anything to me when I'm upset, probably because I get mad when he tries to give me advice. I also tend to find his efforts at physical comfort difficult, because they require me to move into an uncomfortable position. We have talked about this but he still doesn't seem to understand how to acknoweldge my feelings. It's clearly very difficult for some people to get. Willa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies to my comfort thread. There were like 5 digests in my mailbox all from one day and i read thru the first four and i didnt see any replies and just as i was starting to feel really dejected I got to the last one and there were like 10...hows that for a lesson on not giving up, lol. yeah its interesting how long it takes sonmeone to get a message sometimes i guess. i can understand the male female divide better than i can the aspie NT one. What the parents here mentioned about hugging and asking whats wrong, sounds great to me, but I never had that!! I cannot remember a single instance from my childhood when either parent or anyone for that matter ever hugged me and asked what was wrong. Ever. Maybe a counselor at camp came close occasionally but I dont remember anything specific. I dont want to blame my parents.They did the best they could. They love me and would never want to do anything to hurt me. But I dont know how to come to terms with the fact that they were absolutely crappy when it came to the comforting, dealing with and understanding one's feelings department. It just feels like a giant void. In fact I can hardly remember a time growing up anyway when i wasnt yelled at or somehow intimidated for being upset about something. Every time I cried when I waslittle my mom would yell at me. Every time. Once she apologized and said she couldnt help it, I remember that, she had insight into her behvavior but could never stop. I think that must be why I feel so insanely and consistently alone. I mean, I hate to blame things on my childhood. Thats so cliche and as I said they were good parents besdes that. They did theur best. And obviously the AS plays a lot into the feeling alone thing. But. its just so frustrating like a hole that has never been filled. spent most of my time when i was older hanging out female teachers and tryign to get their attention - " surrogate mother, " anyone? Well, whatever. I've always comforted myself but sometimes , more and more, its not enough. My major stressors at the moment are this. Ive been living with a roommate short term and I need to find another place to live. This is a very scary overwhelming thing for me. God, i look at my sheet of apts to call and I wan t to panic. I managed to call 7 today before it was too much. I saw one apt today, will see 2 tomorrow hopefully, one friday. One I saw today was too small, I know theyre studio apts but still! you couldnt walk. its hard to get around, i dont drive, i am grateful for the bus service but it is limited and frustrating to use. bad weather this week - walking around difficult - going to strange places to look at apts by myself sucks to put it bluntly. I got home after a hard day today, and my roommate who is my stepmoms friend actually, decided she would let all HER frustrations out on me and just went nuts one me, yelled at me for twenty minutes for minor things. " What is THIS?? You moved the mat in the bathroom?!? What is THIS? " I cant even remember all the things she said, its just she acted like I had had criminal intent for really small housekeeping things. I know shes really stressed out herself and you could jusr see she was waiting to light into someone, but I dont do anger and blame very well and it also sucked. Enough so that if it happens again i might just i dont know im not sticking around to have her abuse me like that. Before, she did it and i cried and cried and it was so awful, this time i know i have options at least so i stayed calm thinking i dont have ot take this and dished it back to her calmly. I didnt let her get me. But it still drained me. I dont want to go back to my dad's, thats the worst case scenario, but i dont want to stay here with her , shes falling apart. (due to things i dont have time to explain and prob shouldnt anyway) I have to find a place to live so i can get out of here. i have some phsical health issues minor but annoying that scare the hell out of me nevertheless because one of my biggest fears, almost a phobia i guess you can call it, is of not functioning. cus i get stressed out easily and i try to do everything i can to prevent it and arrange things so i can handle them but im always woprried thins will go to hell/ get bad and i wont be able to carry out the duties of everyday life , whether for a day, a week or longer. and my health thungs - make it difificult. Im always thinbking about my problems, im always wishing i had more friends, more emotional support, it just makes me more depressed and less energy. So those are my problems in a nutshell for right now:) I just want to get through the next few weeks so I can find an apartment. Im praying that i can find someplace tolerable to live. then I have a whole host of other problems to deal with but that comes first. But I just feel like what if I break down before I can get all this stuff fixed and taken care of? Its so much, almost too much, to live with alone. support from paarnets= go long way Id write mor,e too tired, hope i didnt write too much , thanks all! Kate I feel awkward saying this when has decided to so ungraciously display my real name, but oh well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 (((((((((((((Kate))))))))))))) Your email made me want to cry. It sounds very overwhelming, and I can hear that in your voice too. Have you tried writing down the things you want to do on sticky notes? If not, you might want to try it.it may help eleviate some of the " panic " you are feeling. Here's what you do: Take a sticky pad and write ONE thing on each sticky. Put them in order with the most important task to complete on top, ending with the least important on the bottom. Only deal with the sticky on top. The rest will wait. When you are done with that one, throw it away and there's your next task right on top for you. Sometimes this can really help with that " overwhelming " feeling. I would be terribly overwhelmed too hon if I had all that on my plate. You are not alone either. First and foremost you have Jesus. He is there all the time to talk to, he can make you feel more relaxed and feel less alone than any human being I know. I am a mother to a child that is AS and BP, I have another child that is " normal " that lives at home, two others that are mine that don't live at home and my husband has two more, I home-school, I run my husbands " office " and we have an online store..oh and just recently we got a new puppy and put my daughter on a gluten free diet. LOL If I thought about all that I had to do every day all at once I too would be overwhelmed. Secondly, you found a board online that is full of people to talk to. :-) The things about your parents.this one is tough. I think there are very few people in life that feel like their parents did EVERYTHING right. Mine messed up pretty bad at times and something's they did and didn't do still baffle me today, but we are all human and we all royally goof up in stuff. I try to tell my children this: Take the good things from me and leave the bad. That is what I tried to do with my parents. I try to take the good things they did and leave the bad. They didn't intentionally do stuff to hurt me, it just did.because none of us are perfect. If I dwell on those things of the past, how do I move forward to the things in the future? I don't know if any of this helped Kate, but believe me I will be praying for you hon. Beth _____ From: [mailto: ] On Behalf Of Kate Goldfield Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2007 3:44 AM Subject: ( ) Re: Recieving comfort Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies to my comfort thread. There were like 5 digests in my mailbox all from one day and i read thru the first four and i didnt see any replies and just as i was starting to feel really dejected I got to the last one and there were like 10...hows that for a lesson on not giving up, lol. yeah its interesting how long it takes sonmeone to get a message sometimes i guess. i can understand the male female divide better than i can the aspie NT one. What the parents here mentioned about hugging and asking whats wrong, sounds great to me, but I never had that!! I cannot remember a single instance from my childhood when either parent or anyone for that matter ever hugged me and asked what was wrong. Ever. Maybe a counselor at camp came close occasionally but I dont remember anything specific. I dont want to blame my parents.They did the best they could. They love me and would never want to do anything to hurt me. But I dont know how to come to terms with the fact that they were absolutely crappy when it came to the comforting, dealing with and understanding one's feelings department. It just feels like a giant void. In fact I can hardly remember a time growing up anyway when i wasnt yelled at or somehow intimidated for being upset about something. Every time I cried when I waslittle my mom would yell at me. Every time. Once she apologized and said she couldnt help it, I remember that, she had insight into her behvavior but could never stop. I think that must be why I feel so insanely and consistently alone. I mean, I hate to blame things on my childhood. Thats so cliche and as I said they were good parents besdes that. They did theur best. And obviously the AS plays a lot into the feeling alone thing. But. its just so frustrating like a hole that has never been filled. spent most of my time when i was older hanging out female teachers and tryign to get their attention - " surrogate mother, " anyone? Well, whatever. I've always comforted myself but sometimes , more and more, its not enough. My major stressors at the moment are this. Ive been living with a roommate short term and I need to find another place to live. This is a very scary overwhelming thing for me. God, i look at my sheet of apts to call and I wan t to panic. I managed to call 7 today before it was too much. I saw one apt today, will see 2 tomorrow hopefully, one friday. One I saw today was too small, I know theyre studio apts but still! you couldnt walk. its hard to get around, i dont drive, i am grateful for the bus service but it is limited and frustrating to use. bad weather this week - walking around difficult - going to strange places to look at apts by myself sucks to put it bluntly. I got home after a hard day today, and my roommate who is my stepmoms friend actually, decided she would let all HER frustrations out on me and just went nuts one me, yelled at me for twenty minutes for minor things. " What is THIS?? You moved the mat in the bathroom?!? What is THIS? " I cant even remember all the things she said, its just she acted like I had had criminal intent for really small housekeeping things. I know shes really stressed out herself and you could jusr see she was waiting to light into someone, but I dont do anger and blame very well and it also sucked. Enough so that if it happens again i might just i dont know im not sticking around to have her abuse me like that. Before, she did it and i cried and cried and it was so awful, this time i know i have options at least so i stayed calm thinking i dont have ot take this and dished it back to her calmly. I didnt let her get me. But it still drained me. I dont want to go back to my dad's, thats the worst case scenario, but i dont want to stay here with her , shes falling apart. (due to things i dont have time to explain and prob shouldnt anyway) I have to find a place to live so i can get out of here. i have some phsical health issues minor but annoying that scare the hell out of me nevertheless because one of my biggest fears, almost a phobia i guess you can call it, is of not functioning. cus i get stressed out easily and i try to do everything i can to prevent it and arrange things so i can handle them but im always woprried thins will go to hell/ get bad and i wont be able to carry out the duties of everyday life , whether for a day, a week or longer. and my health thungs - make it difificult. Im always thinbking about my problems, im always wishing i had more friends, more emotional support, it just makes me more depressed and less energy. So those are my problems in a nutshell for right now:) I just want to get through the next few weeks so I can find an apartment. Im praying that i can find someplace tolerable to live. then I have a whole host of other problems to deal with but that comes first. But I just feel like what if I break down before I can get all this stuff fixed and taken care of? Its so much, almost too much, to live with alone. support from paarnets= go long way Id write mor,e too tired, hope i didnt write too much , thanks all! Kate I feel awkward saying this when has decided to so ungraciously display my real name, but oh well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Kate, There's a way to take your real name out of . I don't remeber how though. Maybe someone else does? It sounds to me like you're dealing with PTSD and Depression and Anxiety on top of the Asperger's. A lot of the symptoms are the same, or similar. Do you have a therapist? Have you applied for SSDI or SSI? That could get you funds and medical care. Also, have you considered looking to rent a room in a home with a family? Then you wouldn't be so alone. Also, if you really are feeling abused where you are, and your parents certainly verbally abuse you, you could put your stuff in storage and go to a shelter until you can find a place. Hang in there kiddo. You're going through a very rough time now, and we're here for you. Huge hugs, from someone who also rarely got them as a child, Meira > > Hi everyone, > > thank you so much for your replies to my comfort thread. There were like 5 > digests in my mailbox all from one day and i read thru the first four and i > didnt see any replies and just as i was starting to feel really dejected I > got to the last one and there were like 10...hows that for a lesson on not > giving up, lol. > > yeah its interesting how long it takes sonmeone to get a message sometimes i > guess. i can understand the male female divide better than i can the aspie > NT one. What the parents here mentioned about hugging and asking whats > wrong, sounds great to me, but I never had that!! I cannot remember a single > instance from my childhood when either parent or anyone for that matter ever > hugged me and asked what was wrong. Ever. Maybe a counselor at camp came > close occasionally but I dont remember anything specific. I dont want to > blame my parents.They did the best they could. They love me and would never > want to do anything to hurt me. But I dont know how to come to terms with > the fact that they were absolutely crappy when it came to the comforting, > dealing with and understanding one's feelings department. It just feels like > a giant void. In fact I can hardly remember a time growing up anyway when i > wasnt yelled at or somehow intimidated for being upset about something. > Every time I cried when I waslittle my mom would yell at me. Every time. > Once she apologized and said she couldnt help it, I remember that, she had > insight into her behvavior but could never stop. I think that must be why I > feel so insanely and consistently alone. I mean, I hate to blame things on > my childhood. Thats so cliche and as I said they were good parents besdes > that. They did theur best. And obviously the AS plays a lot into the feeling > alone thing. But. its just so frustrating like a hole that has never been > filled. spent most of my time when i was older hanging out female teachers > and tryign to get their attention - " surrogate mother, " anyone? > > Well, whatever. I've always comforted myself but sometimes , more and more, > its not enough. > > My major stressors at the moment are this. Ive been living with a roommate > short term and I need to find another place to live. This is a very scary > overwhelming thing for me. God, i look at my sheet of apts to call and I > wan t to panic. I managed to call 7 today before it was too much. I saw one > apt today, will see 2 tomorrow hopefully, one friday. One I saw today was > too small, I know theyre studio apts but still! you couldnt walk. > > its hard to get around, i dont drive, i am grateful for the bus service but > it is limited and frustrating to use. bad weather this week - walking around > difficult - going to strange places to look at apts by myself sucks to put > it bluntly. > > I got home after a hard day today, and my roommate who is my stepmoms friend > actually, decided she would let all HER frustrations out on me and just went > nuts one me, yelled at me for twenty minutes for minor things. " What is > THIS?? You moved the mat in the bathroom?!? What is THIS? " I cant even > remember all the things she said, its just she acted like I had had criminal > intent for really small housekeeping things. I know shes really stressed out > herself and you could jusr see she was waiting to light into someone, but I > dont do anger and blame very well and it also sucked. Enough so that if it > happens again i might just i dont know im not sticking around to have her > abuse me like that. Before, she did it and i cried and cried and it was so > awful, this time i know i have options at least so i stayed calm thinking i > dont have ot take this and dished it back to her calmly. I didnt let her get > me. But it still drained me. I dont want to go back to my dad's, thats the > worst case scenario, but i dont want to stay here with her , shes falling > apart. (due to things i dont have time to explain and prob shouldnt anyway) > I have to find a place to live so i can get out of here. > > i have some phsical health issues minor but annoying that scare the hell > out of me nevertheless because one of my biggest fears, almost a phobia i > guess you can call it, is of not functioning. cus i get stressed out easily > and i try to do everything i can to prevent it and arrange things so i can > handle them but im always woprried thins will go to hell/ get bad and i wont > be able to carry out the duties of everyday life , whether for a day, a week > or longer. and my health thungs - make it difificult. > > Im always thinbking about my problems, im always wishing i had more friends, > more emotional support, it just makes me more depressed and less energy. > > So those are my problems in a nutshell for right now:) > > I just want to get through the next few weeks so I can find an apartment. Im > praying that i can find someplace tolerable to live. then I have a whole > host of other problems to deal with but that comes first. But I just feel > like what if I break down before I can get all this stuff fixed and taken > care of? Its so much, almost too much, to live with alone. > > support from paarnets= go long way > > Id write mor,e too tired, hope i didnt write too much , thanks all! > > Kate > > > > > > > > > > I feel awkward saying this when has decided to so ungraciously display > my real name, but oh well > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Oh Kate how awful that you have to go through all that! Especially after all you've already been through. I wish we lived close, I'd come help you with your apartment search and give you lots of hugs! I know it's not the same, but we're always here for you and you can always write here and if you'd like, you can also e-mail me offlist (wyledbunch@...) any time at all if you'd like. I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Please keep us updated on how you're doing and how the apartment hunt is going. Good luck! ~*BIG HUGS*~ -Jenn, AEP (ADD, Bi-Polar, Anxiety/Depression) Proud Momma of Cory Albert (14yrs ADHD), h Dawn (12yrs Anxiety/Depression) and Jerry Lee " Trey " (9yrs ADHD, Bi-Polar, Asperger's) -- ( ) Re: Recieving comfort Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies to my comfort thread. There were like 5 digests in my mailbox all from one day and i read thru the first four and i didnt see any replies and just as i was starting to feel really dejected I got to the last one and there were like 10...hows that for a lesson on not giving up, lol. yeah its interesting how long it takes sonmeone to get a message sometimes i guess. i can understand the male female divide better than i can the aspie NT one. What the parents here mentioned about hugging and asking whats wrong, sounds great to me, but I never had that!! I cannot remember a single instance from my childhood when either parent or anyone for that matter ever hugged me and asked what was wrong. Ever. Maybe a counselor at camp came close occasionally but I dont remember anything specific. I dont want to blame my parents.They did the best they could. They love me and would never want to do anything to hurt me. But I dont know how to come to terms with the fact that they were absolutely crappy when it came to the comforting, dealing with and understanding one's feelings department. It just feels like a giant void. In fact I can hardly remember a time growing up anyway when i wasnt yelled at or somehow intimidated for being upset about something. Every time I cried when I waslittle my mom would yell at me. Every time. Once she apologized and said she couldnt help it, I remember that, she had insight into her behvavior but could never stop. I think that must be why I feel so insanely and consistently alone. I mean, I hate to blame things on my childhood. Thats so cliche and as I said they were good parents besdes that. They did theur best. And obviously the AS plays a lot into the feeling alone thing. But. its just so frustrating like a hole that has never been filled. spent most of my time when i was older hanging out female teachers and tryign to get their attention - " surrogate mother, " anyone? Well, whatever. I've always comforted myself but sometimes , more and more, its not enough. My major stressors at the moment are this. Ive been living with a roommate short term and I need to find another place to live. This is a very scary overwhelming thing for me. God, i look at my sheet of apts to call and I wan t to panic. I managed to call 7 today before it was too much. I saw one apt today, will see 2 tomorrow hopefully, one friday. One I saw today was too small, I know theyre studio apts but still! you couldnt walk. its hard to get around, i dont drive, i am grateful for the bus service but it is limited and frustrating to use. bad weather this week - walking around difficult - going to strange places to look at apts by myself sucks to put it bluntly. I got home after a hard day today, and my roommate who is my stepmoms friend actually, decided she would let all HER frustrations out on me and just went nuts one me, yelled at me for twenty minutes for minor things. " What is THIS?? You moved the mat in the bathroom?!? What is THIS? " I cant even remember all the things she said, its just she acted like I had had criminal intent for really small housekeeping things. I know shes really stressed out herself and you could jusr see she was waiting to light into someone, but I dont do anger and blame very well and it also sucked. Enough so that if it happens again i might just i dont know im not sticking around to have her abuse me like that. Before, she did it and i cried and cried and it was so awful, this time i know i have options at least so i stayed calm thinking i dont have ot take this and dished it back to her calmly. I didnt let her get me. But it still drained me. I dont want to go back to my dad's, thats the worst case scenario, but i dont want to stay here with her , shes falling apart. (due to things i dont have time to explain and prob shouldnt anyway) I have to find a place to live so i can get out of here. i have some phsical health issues minor but annoying that scare the hell out of me nevertheless because one of my biggest fears, almost a phobia i guess you can call it, is of not functioning. cus i get stressed out easily and i try to do everything i can to prevent it and arrange things so i can handle them but im always woprried thins will go to hell/ get bad and i wont be able to carry out the duties of everyday life , whether for a day, a week or longer. and my health thungs - make it difificult. Im always thinbking about my problems, im always wishing i had more friends, more emotional support, it just makes me more depressed and less energy. So those are my problems in a nutshell for right now:) I just want to get through the next few weeks so I can find an apartment. Im praying that i can find someplace tolerable to live. then I have a whole host of other problems to deal with but that comes first. But I just feel like what if I break down before I can get all this stuff fixed and taken care of? Its so much, almost too much, to live with alone. support from paarnets= go long way Id write mor,e too tired, hope i didnt write too much , thanks all! Kate I feel awkward saying this when has decided to so ungraciously display my real name, but oh well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Kate, I'm thrilled you posted. It would be helpful to me as a parent of 18 yo boys to hear an aspie's point of view to help me parent them better. As far as " ME " when I comfort someone: an example is my friends father was dying of cancer. I would call her and see if she was ok? needed to talk, wanted to go out to eat dinner. I sat with her at the hospice during the last days. Just sat, listened to her vent about siblings, tried to get her out to go get some dinner, rubbed her back when she was stressed, hugged her, told her I loved her. Offered to take care of her dog while she was in Macon, just little things to let her know I was there if she needed me. As for me when I need comforting. Depends on the time. Sometimes I just want to vent (like on here), sometimes I want to be left alone and if I want advice from say my mom, I say MoM, what would you do? Or if she is saying things to me when I am venting like : well, at least they aren't out drinking and driving. I tell her yes, that is true and I am so grateful they aren't but that doesn't negate the problem I am having with him say NOt going to school or threatening me physically. Most of the time I just want an ear and someone to sympathize with me and say I know it's hard, would you like me to ask them to spend the night with me and give you a night alone? I appreciate what you said about your parents, when you vent. Maybe you can say I don't want any advice I just need to talk and have you listen without giving me suggestions. I'll ask you when I want advice or suggestions, could you just listen for a bit? Have you joined any groups for aspies online? That way you could talk to them and they would more likely understand than NT.s You can always vent here too, Kate. Thanks so much for posting. I look forward to seeing what others have to say and if you make any progress with your parents. God Bless, Toni ( ) Recieving comfort Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a parent. I figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' posts with my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same for me. My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you might be able to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was comforting him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting him? What is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort another person? When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands it, do you want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another person? If you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? Are there physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or back, hug, etc)? Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're upset? What usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people - do they notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do try to " help. " **** The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble knowing when someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone because of this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they either dont say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart and then get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I just want them to say something like " I understand what you're going through " or " I'm sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I AM going through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off and isolated and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually feel. I know NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of what they say. So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that " comfort " is going to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an eyebrow maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most of the time when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or care or to acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware of it b/c I do not ready body language for the most part. I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally acknowledge my problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has even said that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to manipulate her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd almost rather die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you could possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be empty words to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I NEED that verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about myself, and I tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard and awful thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they continuously refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can see I am suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, or put a very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies everything ive said.) Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a 23 y/o Aspie. How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 She would click on files, located on the bottom of any post. when the page opens up, go to the way top and click on edit. you can make any changes there. meiraharvey <meira-harvey@...> wrote: Kate, There's a way to take your real name out of . I don't remeber how though. Maybe someone else does? It sounds to me like you're dealing with PTSD and Depression and Anxiety on top of the Asperger's. A lot of the symptoms are the same, or similar. Do you have a therapist? Have you applied for SSDI or SSI? That could get you funds and medical care. Also, have you considered looking to rent a room in a home with a family? Then you wouldn't be so alone. Also, if you really are feeling abused where you are, and your parents certainly verbally abuse you, you could put your stuff in storage and go to a shelter until you can find a place. Hang in there kiddo. You're going through a very rough time now, and we're here for you. Huge hugs, from someone who also rarely got them as a child, Meira > > Hi everyone, > > thank you so much for your replies to my comfort thread. There were like 5 > digests in my mailbox all from one day and i read thru the first four and i > didnt see any replies and just as i was starting to feel really dejected I > got to the last one and there were like 10...hows that for a lesson on not > giving up, lol. > > yeah its interesting how long it takes sonmeone to get a message sometimes i > guess. i can understand the male female divide better than i can the aspie > NT one. What the parents here mentioned about hugging and asking whats > wrong, sounds great to me, but I never had that!! I cannot remember a single > instance from my childhood when either parent or anyone for that matter ever > hugged me and asked what was wrong. Ever. Maybe a counselor at camp came > close occasionally but I dont remember anything specific. I dont want to > blame my parents.They did the best they could. They love me and would never > want to do anything to hurt me. But I dont know how to come to terms with > the fact that they were absolutely crappy when it came to the comforting, > dealing with and understanding one's feelings department. It just feels like > a giant void. In fact I can hardly remember a time growing up anyway when i > wasnt yelled at or somehow intimidated for being upset about something. > Every time I cried when I waslittle my mom would yell at me. Every time. > Once she apologized and said she couldnt help it, I remember that, she had > insight into her behvavior but could never stop. I think that must be why I > feel so insanely and consistently alone. I mean, I hate to blame things on > my childhood. Thats so cliche and as I said they were good parents besdes > that. They did theur best. And obviously the AS plays a lot into the feeling > alone thing. But. its just so frustrating like a hole that has never been > filled. spent most of my time when i was older hanging out female teachers > and tryign to get their attention - " surrogate mother, " anyone? > > Well, whatever. I've always comforted myself but sometimes , more and more, > its not enough. > > My major stressors at the moment are this. Ive been living with a roommate > short term and I need to find another place to live. This is a very scary > overwhelming thing for me. God, i look at my sheet of apts to call and I > wan t to panic. I managed to call 7 today before it was too much. I saw one > apt today, will see 2 tomorrow hopefully, one friday. One I saw today was > too small, I know theyre studio apts but still! you couldnt walk. > > its hard to get around, i dont drive, i am grateful for the bus service but > it is limited and frustrating to use. bad weather this week - walking around > difficult - going to strange places to look at apts by myself sucks to put > it bluntly. > > I got home after a hard day today, and my roommate who is my stepmoms friend > actually, decided she would let all HER frustrations out on me and just went > nuts one me, yelled at me for twenty minutes for minor things. " What is > THIS?? You moved the mat in the bathroom?!? What is THIS? " I cant even > remember all the things she said, its just she acted like I had had criminal > intent for really small housekeeping things. I know shes really stressed out > herself and you could jusr see she was waiting to light into someone, but I > dont do anger and blame very well and it also sucked. Enough so that if it > happens again i might just i dont know im not sticking around to have her > abuse me like that. Before, she did it and i cried and cried and it was so > awful, this time i know i have options at least so i stayed calm thinking i > dont have ot take this and dished it back to her calmly. I didnt let her get > me. But it still drained me. I dont want to go back to my dad's, thats the > worst case scenario, but i dont want to stay here with her , shes falling > apart. (due to things i dont have time to explain and prob shouldnt anyway) > I have to find a place to live so i can get out of here. > > i have some phsical health issues minor but annoying that scare the hell > out of me nevertheless because one of my biggest fears, almost a phobia i > guess you can call it, is of not functioning. cus i get stressed out easily > and i try to do everything i can to prevent it and arrange things so i can > handle them but im always woprried thins will go to hell/ get bad and i wont > be able to carry out the duties of everyday life , whether for a day, a week > or longer. and my health thungs - make it difificult. > > Im always thinbking about my problems, im always wishing i had more friends, > more emotional support, it just makes me more depressed and less energy. > > So those are my problems in a nutshell for right now:) > > I just want to get through the next few weeks so I can find an apartment. Im > praying that i can find someplace tolerable to live. then I have a whole > host of other problems to deal with but that comes first. But I just feel > like what if I break down before I can get all this stuff fixed and taken > care of? Its so much, almost too much, to live with alone. > > support from paarnets= go long way > > Id write mor,e too tired, hope i didnt write too much , thanks all! > > Kate > > > > > > > > > > I feel awkward saying this when has decided to so ungraciously display > my real name, but oh well > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 I don't remember where I read it, but I once saw families decided into " wet " and " dry. " If you've ever seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, there's the dichotomy spelled out. My family is very wet - hugs, kisses, fights, big exclamations when you open presents. My husband's family is very dry - quiet, undemonstrative. It can be weird when the two meet - I remember my sister asking me worriedly if my husband liked her present because his family barely reacts when they open a present. Kate, I wonder if you're a " wet " person who was born into a " dry " family. Most people think of Aspies as being uber-dry, but my son is the most huggable little guy you'd ever want tme meet, so I know that's not true. (He is HFA.) Willa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Willa, you put this very well and it was the same thing that I was thinking might be happening. Not to negate the parents' responsiblity to 'be there' for their daughter, I was however, wondering whether their inability to adequately do so might stem from their own deficit rather than purposeful behaviour. (My son is also the huggy guy!) : ) > > I don't remember where I read it, but I once saw families > decided into " wet " and " dry. " If you've ever seen the movie > My Big Fat Greek Wedding, there's the dichotomy spelled out. > > My family is very wet - hugs, kisses, fights, big exclamations > when you open presents. My husband's family is very dry - quiet, > undemonstrative. It can be weird when the two meet - I remember > my sister asking me worriedly if my husband liked her present > because his family barely reacts when they open a present. > > Kate, I wonder if you're a " wet " person who was born into a > " dry " family. Most people think of Aspies as being uber-dry, > but my son is the most huggable little guy you'd ever want > tme meet, so I know that's not true. (He is HFA.) > > Willa > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Kate, to ME, you sound very normal and your parents sound as if they are the ones with issues. Maybe I'm AS too. I have no idea. This is all very new to me. How do you know you have Asperger's and doesn't it present itself in so many different ways and to different degrees? I'm not sure what's " wrong " with me but I've always been a loner, felt like an alien in disguise experimenting on earth (LOL), and just can't fit into a group situation. It always seems like everyone else " knows something " I do not know and I " m always baffled as to how they're all clued in. Marcia > From: Kate Goldfield > > Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2007 3:17 AM > Subject: ( ) Recieving comfort > > > Hi, I have never posted to this list before a topic of my own, just > replied,so I hope it's okay for an Aspie to post and not just a > parent. I > figure we can learn from each other, I like replying to parents' > posts with > my own experiences when it helps so I hope others can do the same > for me. > > My question is this: since you are all or most are " NTs " , you > might be able > to answer this question better than my Aspie friends. > > What does it mean to you when you hear the statement " She was > comforting > him. " What is happening in this sentence? How is she comforting > him? What > is she saying, what is she physically doing? How does one comfort > another > person? > > When you have a problem do you want to know someone understands > it, do you > want advice but cut the sympathy, or both? > > When you are upset or depressed, do you seek comfort from another > person? If > you do, what do you do? What do you say? What do they say back? > Are there > physical things involved (pat on the back, rubbing shoulders or > back, hug, > etc)? > > Do you want people to understand why you're upset when you're > upset? What > usually happens when you're upset and you're around other people > - do they > notice, do they try to help , what do they do or say if they do > try to > " help. " > > **** > The reason I ask these questions is I seem to have trouble > knowing when > someone is attempting to comfort me. I often feel very alone > because of > this. Even and especially with my parents. They listen and they > either dont > say anything - which is TERRIFYING for me to have bared my heart > and then > get no response - or they give me unwanted and unneeded advice. I > just want > them to say something like " I understand what you're going > through " or " I'm > sorry it's so tough for you " just something to acknowledge that I > AM going > through something diffficult, otherwise i feel terribly cut off > and isolated > and more in my own world apart from the world than I usually > feel. I know > NTs use body language to communicate something of like 80% of > what they say. > So when they comfort a friend or loved one, a lot of that > " comfort " is going > to be conveyed in body language.... sympathetic face, raising an > eyebrow > maybe, body posture?I don't know, since I can't see it. So most > of the time > when I am upset and dying for someone to show they understand or > care or to > acknowledge my distress - they may be doing it but I am not aware > of it b/c > I do not ready body language for the most part. > > I have asked my parents several times if they could verbally > acknowledge my > problems when I ask them for help. They refuse to. My stepmom has > even said > that Im trying to manipulate her in the past. Im not trying to > manipulate > her! There are times when I feel so lonely and isolated I'd > almost rather > die than keep living as I am, and it does me more good than you > could > possibly imagine just to hear that I am not alone. They may be > empty words > to some but for me they cut through the isolation like a knife. I > NEED that > verbal reminder to realize I'm not alone. I know that about > myself, and I > tell my parents that, but they still refuse. Is this such a hard > and awful > thing I'm asking? I don't think so. I can't understand why they > continuously > refuse to give me the one thing I am desperate for when they can > see I am > suffering. (To reiterate, they either say nothing, give advice, > or put a > very positive spin on it, which to me demeans/nullifies > everything ive > said.) > > Thanks so much for any help and insight you can give. FYI I am a > 23 y/o > Aspie. > > How do you comfort your kids when they're upset? > > Kate > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 On Dec 2, 2:44am, Marcia wrote: } I'm not sure what's " wrong " with me but I've always been a loner, } felt like an alien in disguise experimenting on earth (LOL), and just } can't fit into a group situation. It always seems like everyone else } " knows something " I do not know and I " m always baffled as to how } they're all clued in. God, me too... and it's so much worse now I have a child to take care of. Willa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 Have you ever been diagnosed with " anything " ? How about your child? I have three, a 20 year old, who's a total math whiz majoring in Physics and Computer Science and my 7 yr. old daughter who is about to be evaluated and tested, and my 5 year old son who, to me, is exceptionally bright but addicted to the subject of superheroes. His entire day revolves around them. No, I take that back, it's his LIFE. Glad to be in good company : ) Marcia On Apr 4, 2007, at 8:48 PM, Willa Hunt wrote: > On Dec 2, 2:44am, Marcia wrote: > } I'm not sure what's " wrong " with me but I've always been a loner, > } felt like an alien in disguise experimenting on earth (LOL), and > just > } can't fit into a group situation. It always seems like everyone else > } " knows something " I do not know and I " m always baffled as to how > } they're all clued in. > > God, me too... and it's so much worse now I have a child to > take care of. > > Willa > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 On Dec 2, 5:49am, Marcia wrote: } Have you ever been diagnosed with " anything " ? How about your child? I I haven't, but my son is so incredibly like I was a child, I often wonder if I might have gotten an AS diagnosis if I'd been born decades later. (His official diagnosis is autism.) Willa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2007 Report Share Posted April 4, 2007 I suspect the same for myself (and my mother and my brother) Marcia On Apr 4, 2007, at 11:46 PM, Willa Hunt wrote: > On Dec 2, 5:49am, Marcia wrote: > > } Have you ever been diagnosed with " anything " ? How about your > child? I > > I haven't, but my son is so incredibly like I was a child, I often > wonder if I might have gotten an AS diagnosis if I'd been born > decades later. (His official diagnosis is autism.) > > Willa > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Thank you to Beth and Meira for their replies, i appreciate them. Today I looked at two more apts, which was difficult but not unfeasible, and it was a hardday, but I had a really nice taxi driver on the way home, who gave me a huge discount, some apartment tips, and listened to me - so that made me feel better for a little while! It only takes the small things, you know, to make one feel better and supported, just a little bit? Snowstorm today/tonight & tomorrow,all the schools are closed tomorrow! (Technically today). Ha, in April no less, Geez. I'll probably, hopefully be stauing home and relaxing or attempting to today so that should be nice. i hope. Got my list of apts to call. Saw one tat was promising today, had a couple problems, might work, someone else has first dibs though so will let me know tomorrow. Thanks! Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Marcia, well its a spectrum as you know, its hard to tell,I hung around AS websites/mssg boards for a year and a half and i still wasnt sure before i went to a psych. and got diagnosed, and also met other AS people...so....yeah.... its hard to tell sometiems but sometimes esp after being around AS people enough you realize how similar you are to them which is very comforting. Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 I feel like im replying to this too many times, dont want y'all to get sick of me, but yeah WET vs DRY is a good dichotomy. My dad's side are much more affectionate and demonstrative than my mom's side. (Theyre also very judgemental and " dont complain " esque people too so theyre not much help, but oh well). But it is interesting, Ive always noticed that my grandparents on my dad's side are better with emotion than my grandparents on my mom's side. (I love them all though, even though they got on my nerves sometimes). I like enthusiastic, demonstrative, emotional people who show their emotions (as long as they do it authentically and its not all a big fake show). When ive had the pleasure of having teachers like that i always love them and connect with them soo much easier. they dont have to put any effort into giving me the things i want - the understanding and empathy and show of support - because its like breathing to them, its how they are naturally. So i guess i have to understand i guess its not a matter of caring but one of personality, and ya cant cgange someones personality. my HS guidance counselor was like that, a babysitter I once had was, and a couple teachers at college. In HS or college i would hang around any teacher with this personality, sometimes so long it was embarassing, because being with them made me feel so GOOD!! I wish I could find other people with this personality. Sometiomes i think its a shame we';re all so different cus its so hard to find peopel you relate to! even if you're not an aspie id imagine it is, just 100x harder being an aspie Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.