Madeleine

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/12/2001 5:30:00 PM Eastern Standard Time,

Sierra376@... writes:

> I know

> from when my boyfriend and I lived together that if he was distant

> and stuff I was so hurt and down but when he was loving--even just

> saying come here and let me give you a hug I INSTANTLY felt better

> all over--not the Lyme--but my heart and soul and being. My being

> depressed is 10% Lyme and 90% the way I've been treated day in and

> day out by all my loved ones for years plus the same crap we all

> endure from doctors and govt. and the loss of our lives.

if I just got consistent love and support and believing I'd

be so much happier. I've been worn down shred by shred for years.

The very people I need the most have hurt me the most and aren't

there for me in it all. THAT'S the biggest reason I'm so desperately

sad and alone and bitter. Maybe if they'd believed me and stood up

for me I might have got diagnosed, treated, SSDI, etc. and things

wouldn't be so horrendous now which ALSO would mean I wouldn't be so

sad and angry

I will NEVER forget about or give up on my boyfriend.

(the above was from a post by Madeline, now I will answer it)

Dear Madeleine,

I wrote my post reaching out to you, , and anyone else who wishes to

be my friend, before reading this.

About your boyfriend, you say that he is your whole life, yet he is distant,

not really there for you, and I get the feeling that he simply is unable & /or

unwilling to be all the things you want him to be.

I can identify with you on almost everything you write about.

Madeleine, you cannot change others, you can change only yourself.

You say that you will NEVER give up on this boyfriend.

What you are doing is an exercise in futility.

He is not there for you: accept it, and move on.

It isn't easy, but remember, there are many fish in the sea, and there is

someone for everyone.

I'm in the same position as you. Both of us have lost every one we ever

loved & are depressed. Your b/f may or may not come back, but it seems to me

that, for now, unless he changes, he never will give you the love, and

support that you need, so you should try to meet others, someone who will

love you for you & accept you & be there for you. That's what I'm doing.

Not to do so would be a waste of time. I have loved people who did not

return my love, and that is just guaranteed to hurt. Give yourself a chance,

but get out there, do things, as much as your limited energy permits.

Friends will not beat a path to your door, ... you must make an effort to

find them.

What interests you (and don't say " nothing " )? Books, theatre, museums,

music, lectures, computer/internet, window shopping, church activities, art,

etc?

Start doing things that interested you before you got so depressed. Find new

interests. Get involved. That's what I'm doing, and despite the loneliness

(I hate doing these things by myself, but it's better than sitting home

sulking or crying), while I'm involved with my activities, I really do get

pleasantly distracted, and do temporarily forget the depression, so it's a

step in the right direction. If your loved ones will not be supportive (mine

certainly weren't) then it's time to move on to new friendships.

Madeleine, you list a whole bunch of " maybe's " ... if only, then ...

Well, that is the past, and you can't change it, but you can change the

future.

As far as a doctor, you emphasize that you do not want to be treated with

antidepressants, but do want to be treated with antibiotics. Well, guess

what?

When you find a doctor, the doctor, together with you, determines treatment.

If the doctor feels that you need antidepressants, and if you want to keep

this doctor, you will have to trust the doctor & be compliant with the

treatment suggested. You owe the doctor that. Yes, you should feel free to

express your concerns & fears, your reasons for not wanting to be on

antidepressants, but in the end, it's up to the doctor what the treatment

plan will be. Since you are admittedly very depressed, I doubt if you will

find a doctor who will not address that as part of your treatment; that

would be negligent. If I were a doctor, (I'm not), I would refuse to treat a

non-compliant patient, and there are so few LLMD's that you need to trust the

doctor to help you. Several people on this remailer have reached out to you,

and are willing to help, to find a doctor for you, but you must cooperate, or

noone will be able to help you.

Like you, when I feel love or caring, it lights up my whole world. When I

lose friends or don't have anyone to lean on, or don't have a b/f, I

certainly find it very depressing, but I can't cry all day.

I go to special lectures, adult book discussion groups, elderhostel (very low

cost) classes, read, do email, call my friends, and go to concerts, all by

myself. Just got back from an Opera class yesterday & a local High School

production of Romeo & t tonite. These are local things that are not

expensive at all. Tomorrow nite I'm going to a Singles discussion group. Of

course, my Lyme & other health problems are bad, but I'm really trying hard

to do things.

Having much of my brain confused, disoriented & forgetful doesn't help, even

embarrasses me, but at least it's making an effort.

You weren't battered, I was. So what? As we all know, emotional battering

can be far more hurtful than physical battering.

But I've moved on. No one will ever batter me again. The warning signs are

always there, and alcohol is frequently involved, yet we try to ignore them,

hoping they will change & love us. Be more aware & trust your instincts.

You know from past experience that these relationships get worse, not better,

so run, don't walk away. You & I have had all the hurt we can stand.

As everyone here has said, you have to want help & be receptive to it, or no

one will be able to help you. Try to find a support group for some of your

problems, such as depression, Lyme, etc.

I just know that, if I can get my Lyme, Ehrlichia & Bartonella under

control, I'm on my way to a happier life. I may never find a man to love me,

which is a shame, as I have so much love to give, but I need to find as much

happiness in the meantime as I can.

Hope this helps & encourages you,

Hugs,

a Aida

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/14/2001 1:01:57 AM Eastern Standard Time,

GOODGIRL95@... writes:

> Both of us have lost every one we ever

> loved & are depressed. Your b/f may or may not come back, but it seems to

> me

> that, for now, unless he changes, he never will give you the love, and

> support that you need, so you should try to meet others, someone who will

> love you for you & accept you & be there for you.

Hi Ladies...

I have been following your back and forth post with much interest and

thought i would add some imput from the " male " perspective.

First of all let me say that i have also fought a long uphill battle against

Lyme Disease, amongst other things. For 7 years i was treated for another

medical condition that caused severe arthritis and secondarily fibroyalgia.

I steadily got worse and worse, and had every test in the book done on me.

Finally going into my 8th year i discovered i had Lyme Disease...and that the

primary diagnosis may have been wrong all these years! IT took 6 months of

IV antibiotics (thru a PICC line) and almost a year of oral medication before

things started to turn around some and my lyme titers went negative. I know

have residual arthritis from the lyme which i am told may last 10 years. I

still had severe brain fog with associated problems with memory, recall, etc.

severe fatigue, and daily severe sweats which no one could find a cuase for.

THen last month due to a sharp pick up by my doctor, i found out i had latent

diabetes. It took me awhile to develop a team of doctors that would listen to

me and look for " organic " causes for my complaints. As soon as my sugar

levels returned to normal the brain fog instantly left, the fatigue improved

and my cognitive functions have returned - almost overnight. The severe

sweats are gone.

Each of us needs to find a doctor who beleives in us and will work

with us until solutions are found. You must also trust that doctor and go

with his/her advice, even if at first you dont like the ideas. I did not like

hearing it when i was first told to try some antidepressants. I cannot

highlight how helpful the right antidepressant can be not only for helping

your mood, helping you to deal with all your problems and to help the all

important sleep process. To outright refuse to take them beofre you even

know if they will help you is foolish in the least. The benefits can be

extreme.

I too lost just about every friend i had over the course of this

illness. I cant tell you how often members of my family have told me if i

just " try a little harder " , " exercise more often " , " force myself to go out "

how much better i will be. Two of my brothers wont even accept that i am

sick..cuase i " dont look sick " . Ive heard it all. I've heard things like

this myself and from others a million times. I cohost a support group for

fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, and every week i hear stories such

as i have been reading in these post for the past couple of weeks.

The problems you ladies speak of are not rare, just variations. I've heard

them all thru my support group. Did i mention i am also a physician, and i

lost the ability to do surgery 9 years ago...that used to be my life. I had

to redefine myself and basically start over. Those who did not beleive me

nor would support me i learned to ignore or dump from my life. We dont need

negative people around us. The hardest thing to do is to realize something

like that, and get rid of those people from our life. Over the years i have

made new friends who acept me the way i am. Thru the support group i have

met someone who is now the best friend i have ever had. We are always there

for each other and have helped each other get thru some severly bad times

over the years. We originally met online here at AOL. We would have never

met if we were dwelling in the past and relying on people who did not care

about us. We met by trying to move on.

Now, from a male point of view, if your boyfriend does not care

now...when you are so sick, i would tell you to dump him. I know you dotn

want to hear that. But what is he doing for yuo? What he is doing is

preventing you from meeting someone who will care. You cant move on and find

someone if you are always waiting for the old guy to come back. I know if i

cared about someone, i would be there to support them, sick or not. If i did

not understand what was wrong with them, i would do all i could to learn

about her condition. I would even offer to go to the docs with her and listen

in. I would go to support meetings with her. Get my drift? I would BE

THERE. What does it show if when you start to feel better...then the guy

comes back. BIg deal, soon as you get sick again...poof, he's gone again. A

lousy boyfriend now means a lousy husband later on. You think husbands that

dont care dont bail out or dump the wife when they get sick just cuase they

are married. Ha...guess again. I will tell you from the male point of

view...if he isn't interested now when you need him, he will NEVER be someone

you can depend on. People do not change their basic essence. Waiting for a

guy to change is a waste of time. THey dont. Unless something tragic happens

to them to alter their point of view, and that is very rare. Often even that

doesnt do the trick. As long as you dwell on someone like that, you heart

and mind is not free to move on to someone else who will love and care for yu

no matter what is wrong for you. I can tell you many many stories of people

who have met their significant other even though they were still sick.

Someone who truly loves you, will not care what is wrong with you...they will

be there for you. But you have to be willing to move on. Your old life is

gone..the lyme has taken care of that. Yo have to move on now, redefine

yourlife and get out in the world somehow..even if its thru the online world.

But please...move on!

And dont be afraid of anti-depressants or other drugs that may help. You

owe it to yourself to try whatever modality may help you. An anti-depressant

may get you over the hump and give you the push you need to move forward.

Depression is nasty. It steals your energy, blocks your desires, etc.

Controlling it is the first step to moving forward. You cant go back, you can

only go forward, and i see there are many people here offering help. Use it

wisely and i wish you good luck.

I am here for anyone who has questions, etc.

Skip in NJ

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/14/2001 2:48:03 AM Eastern Standard Time,

DrSkip2@... writes:

> Now, from a male point of view, if your boyfriend does not care

> now...when you are so sick, i would tell you to dump him. I know you dotn

> want to hear that. But what is he doing for yuo? What he is doing is

> preventing you from meeting someone who will care

Dear Dr Skip,

WELL SAID !!!!!~ Thanks for the insight.

Hugs, a

[Guest guest]

>I give james DMG(di methal glycine)

>to help his speach, he started talking >within half an hour of his first dose,

its >an immune system enhancer.

Excellent! I give Harry plain glycine which has calmed him down heaps.

Prue