Guest guest Posted June 5, 2007 Report Share Posted June 5, 2007 Good for you, Kaye. If we all just mentioned to others sometimes, that there are other reasons for what they see. Or if we all just nicely said that the reason *** is behaving that way is because of ASD (or whatever). Keep it nice and who knows? Maybe when this generation grows up, they will be chatting about the pioneers who made a difference for THEM.....(us).....ha ha. Robin Kaye Bates <kcbates2003@...> wrote: Donna, you said some very important and useful things.It does kinda make you mad the way some people feelfree to make judgements (like the teacher who said thepara needed parenting classes). That does happenthough when people don't understand. And maybesomebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so shemight consider other possibilities besides the onewhere it is all the parent's fault. There are lots ofspecial needs kids in the world. They just don'timmediately LOOK that way. People would never dare tomake remarks about a child with Down syndrome or achild in a wheelchair because they understand thereare issues. They just don't immediately understandthat about kids with ASD unless somebody points itout. I am at a point in my life where if I seesomebody passing judgments I try to nicely let themknow there are other reasons for what they see. It'sgetting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civilrights issue!Kaye--- Donna <donnalmoore> wrote:> Kaye,> > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when> they become inappropriate in front of others -> family or friends and then just talk to them. I> don't convey the consequences at that time because> that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I> do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate> words and behavior in the moment are a result of> their disability, I do believe that they can be> taught to recognize their triggers and to develop> some automatic, though scripted responses. That is> what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in> RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be> able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home.> > We do have consequences for behaviors that are> inappropriate because I do believe that if the> consequences are consistent for the same behavior> repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the> scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that> made sense. I just don't remind them of the> consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The> consequences are always the same and are discussed> after the situation has calmed down and we are at> home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is> a part of their disability, I do think that we need> to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have> consequences and rewards to reinforce both.> > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put> together a manual like they have at his group home> for our house, so everything will be in black and> white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other> people who are around when these meltdowns are> happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I> teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed> Aspergers. One morning before school the child was> on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice> words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the> comment that my para needed to take some parenting> classes and get control of that girl. Whereas> another para in the school who has taught the child,> took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet> environment until she calmed down. Then she talked> to her about appropriate responses and communicating> her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get> embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the> situation because I want the people around to think> that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up> that point people who stare or make comments to> information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety> disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since> they seem so interested in my children's behavior> and my parenting.> > > Donna> Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2007 Report Share Posted June 5, 2007 OMG you said so much that hits home. We are blessed our kids look "typical" and yet know that if they looked different people would have so much more tolerance with them. I know they make little cards you can carry that explain Aspergers so that if your child has a meltdown and people around seem to be intolerant you can hand them a card with information to educate them on the syndrome. I know it seems like a hassle, but I can not count the number of times I have, in self defense, blurted out "he has aspergers" and I know people have NO IDEA what I am talking about.Kaye Bates <kcbates2003@...> wrote: Donna, you said some very important and useful things.It does kinda make you mad the way some people feelfree to make judgements (like the teacher who said thepara needed parenting classes). That does happenthough when people don't understand. And maybesomebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so shemight consider other possibilities besides the onewhere it is all the parent's fault. There are lots ofspecial needs kids in the world. They just don'timmediately LOOK that way. People would never dare tomake remarks about a child with Down syndrome or achild in a wheelchair because they understand thereare issues. They just don't immediately understandthat about kids with ASD unless somebody points itout. I am at a point in my life where if I seesomebody passing judgments I try to nicely let themknow there are other reasons for what they see. It'sgetting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civilrights issue!Kaye--- Donna <donnalmoore> wrote:> Kaye,> > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when> they become inappropriate in front of others -> family or friends and then just talk to them. I> don't convey the consequences at that time because> that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I> do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate> words and behavior in the moment are a result of> their disability, I do believe that they can be> taught to recognize their triggers and to develop> some automatic, though scripted responses. That is> what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in> RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be> able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home.> > We do have consequences for behaviors that are> inappropriate because I do believe that if the> consequences are consistent for the same behavior> repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the> scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that> made sense. I just don't remind them of the> consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The> consequences are always the same and are discussed> after the situation has calmed down and we are at> home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is> a part of their disability, I do think that we need> to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have> consequences and rewards to reinforce both.> > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put> together a manual like they have at his group home> for our house, so everything will be in black and> white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other> people who are around when these meltdowns are> happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I> teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed> Aspergers. One morning before school the child was> on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice> words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the> comment that my para needed to take some parenting> classes and get control of that girl. Whereas> another para in the school who has taught the child,> took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet> environment until she calmed down. Then she talked> to her about appropriate responses and communicating> her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get> embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the> situation because I want the people around to think> that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up> that point people who stare or make comments to> information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety> disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since> they seem so interested in my children's behavior> and my parenting.> > > Donna> Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2007 Report Share Posted June 5, 2007 , I have used cards for my sons - one with Aspergers and the other with FASD. It does work and it as least gets the people out of my hair while I try to deal with the situation. Kaye, What is so weird about the teacher that made the comments is that she is the best with the kids in the class that I teach who are the kids with Downs and more severly impaired kids. People just don't understand until they really experience life with these kids. Donna Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2007 Report Share Posted June 5, 2007 People understand that kids with Downs have their issues and severely impaired kids, very obvious they have needs. But I find over and over again, especially with high functioning kids, people think they are smart, (they are), and for that reason they are completely responsible for everything they do. They never get it that they have a serious disability. It is always, they are manipulative, they are brats, they could stop it if they wanted to, they are badly parented...blah blah blah. They throw the book at them, give them no understanding and mercy, and the way they deal with them makes everything WORSE. I am so frustrated with this. Kaye --- Donna <donnalmoore@...> wrote: > , > > I have used cards for my sons - one with Aspergers > and the other with FASD. It does work and it as > least gets the people out of my hair while I try to > deal with the situation. > > Kaye, What is so weird about the teacher that made > the comments is that she is the best with the kids > in the class that I teach who are the kids with > Downs and more severly impaired kids. People just > don't understand until they really experience life > with these kids. > > Donna > Re: ( ) discipline > > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have > to > > try to > > really be understanding. It's so easy to label > > some > > of the stuff they do as manipulative or > deliberate > > misbehavior. With mine, many times the > > " misbehavior " > > is really a complete overload. She is > overloaded > > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I > can > > understand the difference between when she is > > completely overloaded due to her issues and > when > > she > > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond > > appropriately. If she is having a fit because > she > > is > > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I > try > === message truncated === ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Get your own web address. Have a HUGE year through Small Business. http://smallbusiness./domains/?p=BESTDEAL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 Kaye, I understand exactly where you are coming from. My boys look "normal" and can act that way most of the time. So people do not realize that they have a disability. The 16yo does not want anyone to know that he has "anything wrong with him" as he puts it. The 14 yo on the other hand is oblivious to what others his age are doing and seems to care less if he conforms until someone makes fun of him and then he becomes violent. My 25yo is the real problem right now. I really do not know if he is FASD or Aspergers or just a royal pain in the a**. He was diagnosed ADD, LD, and depression when he was younger. Then at 16 he ran away and spent a year in a wilderness camp program. When he came back at 17 he was in and out of our home and never maintained a steady job. His dad and I separated when he was 18.5 and then divorced when he was 20. I had no contact with him until last October because he blamed me for everything. Then in October when he had no job, no place to live and no one else to help him including his dad, I convinced my husband to give him a try and let him come and live with us. We have tried to help him. He needed hernia surgery so we found a hospital for him to get surgery for free since he was unemployed. He has not kept a job since he has been here. He started working 3 days ago at Mc's and is already complaining. I am afraid that he is going to quit yet another job or get fired. He is a volunteer fireman and enjoys and is dedicated to that. I have encouraged him to take the civil service exam, but due to his learning disability he is afraid to try. I have offered to help him study, but he hasn't taken me up on it yet. This is causing considerable friction in my marriage. My husband or 4 years considers him to be lazy and won't help himself. While my husband accepts that our 16yo (my adopted son the he adopted after we married) and our 14yo (his adopted son who he has custody of and is currenly in RTC) have brain damage and we do not argue about them, he cannot see that my 25yo is like them and is a picture of what our future with the other two may be. I don't know if I am just being a soft-hearted mom or if my husband is right. I am so confused, my marriage is going crazy and I don't know what to do. I wish that these kids came with instructions. Donna Re: ( ) discipline> > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have> to> > try to> > really be understanding. It's so easy to label> > some> > of the stuff they do as manipulative or> deliberate> > misbehavior. With mine, many times the> > "misbehavior"> > is really a complete overload. She is> overloaded> > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I> can> > understand the difference between when she is> > completely overloaded due to her issues and> when> > she> > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> > appropriately. If she is having a fit because> she> > is> > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I> try> === message truncated ===__________________________________________________________Get your own web address. Have a HUGE year through Small Business.http://smallbusiness./domains/?p=BESTDEAL No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 Donna, have you tried to get Vocational Rehab involved? Is he diagnosed with anything? VR can help him get a job with support and even get a job coach. Just a thought.Toni Re: ( ) discipline> > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have> to> > try to> > really be understanding. It's so easy to label> > some> > of the stuff they do as manipulative or> deliberate> > misbehavior. With mine, many times the> > "misbehavior"> > is really a complete overload. She is> overloaded> > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I> can> > understand the difference between when she is> > completely overloaded due to her issues and> when> > she> > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> > appropriately. If she is having a fit because> she> > is> > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I> try> === message truncated ===__________________________________________________________Get your own web address. Have a HUGE year through Small Business.http://smallbusiness./domains/?p=BESTDEAL No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 In a message dated 6/6/2007 9:08:05 AM Eastern Daylight Time, kcbates2003@... writes: It is always, they are manipulative, they are brats, they could stop it if they wanted to, they are badly parented...blah blah blah. They throw the book at them, give them no understanding and mercy, and the way they deal with them makes everything WORSE. Isn't that the truth..."he's smart enough to know better...he's taking advantage of you...nothing a spanking wouldn't cure...you're too easy on him...don't give in to him, he'll have to learn the hard way..." actually my all time favorite is a variation of "boy, does he have your number, he knows just how to read you and get you to do what he wants, or he'll throw a fit!" ROFL! If my Aspie could read body language and social cues, he wouldn't have half the troubles he does! Barbara "We learned more from a three minute record baby than we ever learned in school" Bruce Springsteen, No Surrender Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 Toni, I can not get him to go to Voc Rehab. He doesn' want anyone to say that anything is wrong with him. He wants to be a fire fighter. I really think that he could do this. He is a volunteer fire fighter now and does well. He needs to pass the civil service exam. Tonight he says that he will not quit his job until he finds another one. But he is miserable working 10 hour shifts. He says that they do not have rubber mats for him to stand on while working and his feet are killing him. I just hope he can keep it up. He has worked with no day off since Sunday. He is not off until Saturday. I hope that he will let me help him to study for the civil service exam. We have a sample. Thanks for the support. Donna Re: ( ) discipline> > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have> to> > try to> > really be understanding. It's so easy to label> > some> > of the stuff they do as manipulative or> deliberate> > misbehavior. With mine, many times the> > "misbehavior"> > is really a complete overload. She is> overloaded> > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I> can> > understand the difference between when she is> > completely overloaded due to her issues and> when> > she> > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> > appropriately. If she is having a fit because> she> > is> > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I> try> === message truncated ===__________________________________________________________Get your own web address. Have a HUGE year through Small Business.http://smallbusiness./domains/?p=BESTDEAL No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Donna, tell him that a 42 year old woman (ME) went to the fire academy with all the young men and made it through so he can do it too! and like an idiot I went in the middle of JUNE (HOT in Ga). If a middle aged mom can go and pass the physical part and tests, he can ace it!!I am a volunteer firefighter ( how much of a coincidence is that?) and went to the academy with reg firefighters and the instructors asked me why not do it full time? HE CAN DO IT!!( I can't... too old and falling apart) Toni now 47 Re: ( ) discipline> > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have> to> > try to> > really be understanding. It's so easy to label> > some> > of the stuff they do as manipulative or> deliberate> > misbehavior. With mine, many times the> > "misbehavior"> > is really a complete overload. She is> overloaded> > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I> can> > understand the difference between when she is> > completely overloaded due to her issues and> when> > she> > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> > appropriately. If she is having a fit because> she> > is> > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I> try> === message truncated ===__________________________________________________________Get your own web address. Have a HUGE year through Small Business.http://smallbusiness./domains/?p=BESTDEAL No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Oh yes, I know that feeling. When you say "he has aspergers" and they said "ass, burgers, what???" Haskin <babydoll_haskin@...> wrote: OMG you said so much that hits home. We are blessed our kids look "typical" and yet know that if they looked different people would have so much more tolerance with them. I know they make little cards you can carry that explain Aspergers so that if your child has a meltdown and people around seem to be intolerant you can hand them a card with information to educate them on the syndrome. I know it seems like a hassle, but I can not count the number of times I have, in self defense, blurted out "he has aspergers" and I know people have NO IDEA what I am talking about.Kaye Bates <kcbates2003 > wrote: Donna, you said some very important and useful things.It does kinda make you mad the way some people feelfree to make judgements (like the teacher who said thepara needed parenting classes). That does happenthough when people don't understand. And maybesomebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so shemight consider other possibilities besides the onewhere it is all the parent's fault. There are lots ofspecial needs kids in the world. They just don'timmediately LOOK that way. People would never dare tomake remarks about a child with Down syndrome or achild in a wheelchair because they understand thereare issues. They just don't immediately understandthat about kids with ASD unless somebody points itout. I am at a point in my life where if I seesomebody passing judgments I try to nicely let themknow there are other reasons for what they see. It'sgetting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civilrights issue!Kaye--- Donna <donnalmoore> wrote:> Kaye,> > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when> they become inappropriate in front of others -> family or friends and then just talk to them. I> don't convey the consequences at that time because> that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I> do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate> words and behavior in the moment are a result of> their disability, I do believe that they can be> taught to recognize their triggers and to develop> some automatic, though scripted responses. That is> what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in> RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be> able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home.> > We do have consequences for behaviors that are> inappropriate because I do believe that if the> consequences are consistent for the same behavior> repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the> scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that> made sense. I just don't remind them of the> consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The> consequences are always the same and are discussed> after the situation has calmed down and we are at> home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is> a part of their disability, I do think that we need> to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have> consequences and rewards to reinforce both.> > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put> together a manual like they have at his group home> for our house, so everything will be in black and> white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other> people who are around when these meltdowns are> happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I> teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed> Aspergers. One morning before school the child was> on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice> words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the> comment that my para needed to take some parenting> classes and get control of that girl. Whereas> another para in the school who has taught the child,> took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet> environment until she calmed down. Then she talked> to her about appropriate responses and communicating> her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get> embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the> situation because I want the people around to think> that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up> that point people who stare or make comments to> information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety> disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since> they seem so interested in my children's behavior> and my parenting.> > > Donna> Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Oh, Lord, don't even let me get on this soap box. I'm so tired of having to explain to rude and ignorant people that no, I do NOT need to take my ten year old daughter home and beat her. She is not a "bad" child, nor am I a "bad" parent. I've got two perfectly normal, relatively well-adjusted children who behave fine in public. It's NOT me. And it's not HER fault that she cannot handle being overstimulated to the point of melting down. I'd love to have some of those cards. For right now, when people offer unsolicited advice, I generally just ask if they are the parent of an autistic child. If they say no, then I tell them very politely thanks, but no thanks on the advice. And when one of my neighbors down the street had the nerve to tell me my daughter was extremely rude and that I should teach her better. (She'd told her child to mind her own business when she asked about a wart on my daughter's hand) I smiled and told her she really ought to get down on her knees at night and thank God that all her children were normal and so very perfect, and that until she lived with a child with ASD 24/7 for a while, to please keep her parenting advice to herself. She hasn't said much to me since. (Not that I care.) GreeneEditor, Cobblestone Press LLCPrograms Director, Carolina Romance Writers "A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God." ~ Anonymous Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Ha ha. My son has it,,,,,and calls it "ass boogers". Robin Essenfeld <lessen@...> wrote: Oh yes, I know that feeling. When you say "he has aspergers" and they said "ass, burgers, what???" Haskin <babydoll_haskin > wrote: OMG you said so much that hits home. We are blessed our kids look "typical" and yet know that if they looked different people would have so much more tolerance with them. I know they make little cards you can carry that explain Aspergers so that if your child has a meltdown and people around seem to be intolerant you can hand them a card with information to educate them on the syndrome. I know it seems like a hassle, but I can not count the number of times I have, in self defense, blurted out "he has aspergers" and I know people have NO IDEA what I am talking about.Kaye Bates <kcbates2003 > wrote: Donna, you said some very important and useful things.It does kinda make you mad the way some people feelfree to make judgements (like the teacher who said thepara needed parenting classes). That does happenthough when people don't understand. And maybesomebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so shemight consider other possibilities besides the onewhere it is all the parent's fault. There are lots ofspecial needs kids in the world. They just don'timmediately LOOK that way. People would never dare tomake remarks about a child with Down syndrome or achild in a wheelchair because they understand thereare issues. They just don't immediately understandthat about kids with ASD unless somebody points itout. I am at a point in my life where if I seesomebody passing judgments I try to nicely let themknow there are other reasons for what they see. It'sgetting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civilrights issue!Kaye--- Donna <donnalmoore> wrote:> Kaye,> > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when> they become inappropriate in front of others -> family or friends and then just talk to them. I> don't convey the consequences at that time because> that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I> do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate> words and behavior in the moment are a result of> their disability, I do believe that they can be> taught to recognize their triggers and to develop> some automatic, though scripted responses. That is> what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in> RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be> able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home.> > We do have consequences for behaviors that are> inappropriate because I do believe that if the> consequences are consistent for the same behavior> repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the> scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that> made sense. I just don't remind them of the> consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The> consequences are always the same and are discussed> after the situation has calmed down and we are at> home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is> a part of their disability, I do think that we need> to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have> consequences and rewards to reinforce both.> > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put> together a manual like they have at his group home> for our house, so everything will be in black and> white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other> people who are around when these meltdowns are> happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I> teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed> Aspergers. One morning before school the child was> on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice> words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the> comment that my para needed to take some parenting> classes and get control of that girl. Whereas> another para in the school who has taught the child,> took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet> environment until she calmed down. Then she talked> to her about appropriate responses and communicating> her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get> embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the> situation because I want the people around to think> that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up> that point people who stare or make comments to> information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety> disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since> they seem so interested in my children's behavior> and my parenting.> > > Donna> Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 OH MY!!!!!! Robin, that does make it sound like a completely different problem. SERIOUS problem, just completely DIFFERENT PROBLEM!!!!! (I'm gonna be laughing about that all day!!!!) Kaye --- and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> wrote: > Ha ha. > My son has it,,,,,and calls it " ass boogers " . > Robin > > Essenfeld <lessen@...> wrote: > Oh yes, I know that feeling. When you say > " he has aspergers " and they said " ass, burgers, > what??? " > > Haskin <babydoll_haskin@...> wrote: > OMG you said so much that hits home. We are > blessed our kids look " typical " and yet know that if > they looked different people would have so much more > tolerance with them. I know they make little cards > you can carry that explain Aspergers so that if your > child has a meltdown and people around seem to be > intolerant you can hand them a card with information > to educate them on the syndrome. I know it seems > like a hassle, but I can not count the number of > times I have, in self defense, blurted out " he has > aspergers " and I know people have NO IDEA what I am > talking about. > > Kaye Bates <kcbates2003@...> wrote: > Donna, you said some very important and useful > things. > It does kinda make you mad the way some people feel > free to make judgements (like the teacher who said > the > para needed parenting classes). That does happen > though when people don't understand. And maybe > somebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so > she > might consider other possibilities besides the one > where it is all the parent's fault. There are lots > of > special needs kids in the world. They just don't > immediately LOOK that way. People would never dare > to > make remarks about a child with Down syndrome or a > child in a wheelchair because they understand there > are issues. They just don't immediately understand > that about kids with ASD unless somebody points it > out. I am at a point in my life where if I see > somebody passing judgments I try to nicely let them > know there are other reasons for what they see. It's > getting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civil > rights issue! > > Kaye > > --- Donna <donnalmoore@...> wrote: > > > Kaye, > > > > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when > > they become inappropriate in front of others - > > family or friends and then just talk to them. I > > don't convey the consequences at that time because > > that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I > > do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate > > words and behavior in the moment are a result of > > their disability, I do believe that they can be > > taught to recognize their triggers and to develop > > some automatic, though scripted responses. That is > > what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is > in > > RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and > be > > able to do that with our 16yo who is still at > home. > > > > We do have consequences for behaviors that are > > inappropriate because I do believe that if the > > consequences are consistent for the same behavior > > repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the > > scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that > > made sense. I just don't remind them of the > > consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The > > consequences are always the same and are discussed > > after the situation has calmed down and we are at > > home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior > is > > a part of their disability, I do think that we > need > > to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and > have > > consequences and rewards to reinforce both. > > > > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put > > together a manual like they have at his group home > > for our house, so everything will be in black and > > white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other > > people who are around when these meltdowns are > > happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I > > teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed > > Aspergers. One morning before school the child was > > on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice > > words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the > > comment that my para needed to take some parenting > > classes and get control of that girl. Whereas > > another para in the school who has taught the > child, > > took her to her classroom and placed her in a > quiet > > environment until she calmed down. Then she talked > > to her about appropriate responses and > communicating > > her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get > > embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the > > situation because I want the people around to > think > > that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up > > that point people who stare or make comments to > > information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety > > disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, > since > > they seem so interested in my children's behavior > > and my parenting. > > > > > > Donna > > Re: ( ) discipline > > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have to > > try to > > really be understanding. It's so easy to label > > some > > of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate > > misbehavior. With mine, many times the > > " misbehavior " > > is really a complete overload. She is overloaded > > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can > > understand the difference between when she is > > completely overloaded due to her issues and when > > she > > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond > > appropriately. If she is having a fit because she > > is > > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try > > to > > ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to > > get > > her calmed down, and we can talk about it later. > > If > > it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control > > of > > herself. I think the most important thing we can > > do > > is understand when they are having a problem due > > to > > their disability. It's certainly not fair to > > punish > > them for that stuff. At the same time you have to > > have limits. And teach them the right things to do > > when they are stressed out. And when they are just > > misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get > > the > > same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy. > > I > > feel bad that I did not understand her issues > > better > > when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for > > things she could not help at all. And now that she > > is > > a " snotty middle school kid " the challenge is > > making > > sure I do not let her off the hook for something > > that > > needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child > > is > > my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we > > can > > do is the best we can do. > > > > Kaye > > --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl@...> wrote: > > > > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 HA! teehee and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs@...> wrote: Ha ha. My son has it,,,,,and calls it "ass boogers". Robin Essenfeld <lessensbcglobal (DOT) net> wrote: Oh yes, I know that feeling. When you say "he has aspergers" and they said "ass, burgers, what???" Haskin <babydoll_haskin > wrote: OMG you said so much that hits home. We are blessed our kids look "typical" and yet know that if they looked different people would have so much more tolerance with them. I know they make little cards you can carry that explain Aspergers so that if your child has a meltdown and people around seem to be intolerant you can hand them a card with information to educate them on the syndrome. I know it seems like a hassle, but I can not count the number of times I have, in self defense, blurted out "he has aspergers" and I know people have NO IDEA what I am talking about.Kaye Bates <kcbates2003 > wrote: Donna, you said some very important and useful things.It does kinda make you mad the way some people feelfree to make judgements (like the teacher who said thepara needed parenting classes). That does happenthough when people don't understand. And maybesomebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so shemight consider other possibilities besides the onewhere it is all the parent's fault. There are lots ofspecial needs kids in the world. They just don'timmediately LOOK that way. People would never dare tomake remarks about a child with Down syndrome or achild in a wheelchair because they understand thereare issues. They just don't immediately understandthat about kids with ASD unless somebody points itout. I am at a point in my life where if I seesomebody passing judgments I try to nicely let themknow there are other reasons for what they see. It'sgetting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civilrights issue!Kaye--- Donna <donnalmoore> wrote:> Kaye,> > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when> they become inappropriate in front of others -> family or friends and then just talk to them. I> don't convey the consequences at that time because> that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I> do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate> words and behavior in the moment are a result of> their disability, I do believe that they can be> taught to recognize their triggers and to develop> some automatic, though scripted responses. That is> what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is in> RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and be> able to do that with our 16yo who is still at home.> > We do have consequences for behaviors that are> inappropriate because I do believe that if the> consequences are consistent for the same behavior> repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the> scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that> made sense. I just don't remind them of the> consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The> consequences are always the same and are discussed> after the situation has calmed down and we are at> home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior is> a part of their disability, I do think that we need> to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and have> consequences and rewards to reinforce both.> > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put> together a manual like they have at his group home> for our house, so everything will be in black and> white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other> people who are around when these meltdowns are> happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I> teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed> Aspergers. One morning before school the child was> on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice> words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the> comment that my para needed to take some parenting> classes and get control of that girl. Whereas> another para in the school who has taught the child,> took her to her classroom and placed her in a quiet> environment until she calmed down. Then she talked> to her about appropriate responses and communicating> her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get> embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the> situation because I want the people around to think> that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up> that point people who stare or make comments to> information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety> disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, since> they seem so interested in my children's behavior> and my parenting.> > > Donna> Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 Very well spoken. Boy can I feel your pain with others ignorance.... Greene <sgreene@...> wrote: Oh, Lord, don't even let me get on this soap box. I'm so tired of having to explain to rude and ignorant people that no, I do NOT need to take my ten year old daughter home and beat her. She is not a "bad" child, nor am I a "bad" parent. I've got two perfectly normal, relatively well-adjusted children who behave fine in public. It's NOT me. And it's not HER fault that she cannot handle being overstimulated to the point of melting down. I'd love to have some of those cards. For right now, when people offer unsolicited advice, I generally just ask if they are the parent of an autistic child. If they say no, then I tell them very politely thanks, but no thanks on the advice. And when one of my neighbors down the street had the nerve to tell me my daughter was extremely rude and that I should teach her better. (She'd told her child to mind her own business when she asked about a wart on my daughter's hand) I smiled and told her she really ought to get down on her knees at night and thank God that all her children were normal and so very perfect, and that until she lived with a child with ASD 24/7 for a while, to please keep her parenting advice to herself. She hasn't said much to me since. (Not that I care.) GreeneEditor, Cobblestone Press LLCPrograms Director, Carolina Romance Writers "A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God." ~ Anonymous Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha! Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Games. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2007 Report Share Posted June 7, 2007 He has been to the introductory fire academy and several other courses and passed them. He is just afraid of the civil service exam. So, I need to help him to the practice one and build his confidence. Thanks for the support and encouragement. One way or another, we will get him there. Donna Re: ( ) discipline> > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have> to> > try to> > really be understanding. It's so easy to label> > some> > of the stuff they do as manipulative or> deliberate> > misbehavior. With mine, many times the> > "misbehavior"> > is really a complete overload. She is> overloaded> > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I> can> > understand the difference between when she is> > completely overloaded due to her issues and> when> > she> > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> > appropriately. If she is having a fit because> she> > is> > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I> try> === message truncated ===__________________________________________________________Get your own web address. Have a HUGE year through Small Business.http://smallbusiness./domains/?p=BESTDEAL No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.11/837 - Release Date: 6/6/2007 2:03 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 There was a lady who was selling coupon books this week for our local Autism Society and I said as she handed me a book"Oh my son is Autistic, he has Asperger's" She smiled and said" Oh you are so lucky" Now I have lived through days from hell with my son a lot recently and although I love him and am thankful he does not have a life threatening disease I'm not thinking I would classify this as lucky. I am hopeful that as he grows older things will improve but I think she needs to do some more reading. I do understand that things could be worse but it frustrated me a bit. Suzanne -- Re: ( ) discipline , I have used cards for my sons - one with Aspergers and the other with FASD. It does work and it as least gets the people out of my hair while I try to deal with the situation. Kaye, What is so weird about the teacher that made the comments is that she is the best with the kids in the class that I teach who are the kids with Downs and more severly impaired kids. People just don't understand until they really experience life with these kids. Donna Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> sure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 It may not always feel "lucky" but trust me, you are lucky. I spent my morning trying to teach my 5 yo friend how to answer "yes" and "no" questions. So anyone with a child who is higher functioning or has AS, is very lucky. RoxannaAutism Happens Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> s! ure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Suzanne, we do go through a lot with our Asperger's kids and I would never minimize that. But sometimes, when I come across other kids with more severe forms of autism, I can understand how their parents do think that we are lucky. I kind of try to keep that frame of mind myself. Otherwise it can be easy to get bowled over with the struggles and problems our kids go through. But truly, every day, I try to stay in that attitude of yeah, we are lucky. My child is not in diapers, she is verbal, while she has her problems, I do believe that she can have a semi-independent and happy life one day. For some parents, that is way beyond anything they can hope for their children. Maybe that lady didn't think about how her remark would sound to you, she may have just been thinking of another child who will never have the things that our kids do. And from that viewpoint, yeah, we are truly lucky. Kaye --- Suzanne <suzannex6@...> wrote: > There was a lady who was selling coupon books this > week for our local Autism > Society and I said as she handed me a book " Oh my son > is Autistic, he has > Asperger's " She smiled and said " Oh you are so > lucky " Now I have lived > through days from hell with my son a lot recently > and although I love him > and am thankful he does not have a life threatening > disease I'm not thinking > I would classify this as lucky. I am hopeful that as > he grows older things > will improve but I think she needs to do some more > reading. I do understand > that things could be worse but it frustrated me a > bit. > Suzanne > > -- Re: ( ) discipline > > , > > I have used cards for my sons - one with Aspergers > and the other with FASD. > It does work and it as least gets the people out of > my hair while I try to > deal with the situation. > > Kaye, What is so weird about the teacher that made > the comments is that she > is the best with the kids in the class that I teach > who are the kids with > Downs and more severly impaired kids. People just > don't understand until > they really experience life with these kids. > > Donna > Re: ( ) discipline > > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have to > > try to > > really be understanding. It's so easy to label > > some > > of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate > > misbehavior. With mine, many times the > > " misbehavior " > > is really a complete overload. She is overloaded > > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can > > understand the difference between when she is > > completely overloaded due to her issues and when > > she > > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond > > appropriately. If she is having a fit because she > > is > > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try > > to > > ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to > > get > > her calmed down, and we can talk about it later. > > If > > it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control > > of > > herself. I think the most important thing we can > > do > > is understand when they are having a problem due > > to > === message truncated === ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ TV dinner still cooling? Check out " Tonight's Picks " on TV. http://tv./ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 I know I'm lucky in the sense that it could be worse. And I am careful not to wish for anything different but this week I am tired and he has been trying. The school year has ended and I feel like he went no where academically and although for the most part except for the past 6 weeks he did better then last year with his behavior issues. But all the things we told this school not to let happen with his obsessions they let happen and I feel like all the possible progress we were making was totally undone since Easter. And now I'm looking for things I need to possibly do to make things better but no one can tell me what to do or how to change things. It is exhausting to listen to a 10 year old go on and on and not get through to him with reality. I know we all have these moments and I'm having my" I don''t feel lucky moment now". I don't mean to upset anyone because I know things could be worse. Suzanne -- Re: ( ) discipline It may not always feel "lucky" but trust me, you are lucky. I spent my morning trying to teach my 5 yo friend how to answer "yes" and "no" questions. So anyone with a child who is higher functioning or has AS, is very lucky. RoxannaAutism Happens Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> s! ure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 I don't think Ian will mind if you all want to use that. Ha. RobinKaye Bates <kcbates2003@...> wrote: OH MY!!!!!! Robin, that does make it sound like acompletely different problem. SERIOUS problem, justcompletely DIFFERENT PROBLEM!!!!!(I'm gonna be laughing about that all day!!!!)Kaye--- and/or Robin Lemke <jrisjs > wrote:> Ha ha.> My son has it,,,,,and calls it "ass boogers".> Robin> > Essenfeld <lessensbcglobal (DOT) net> wrote:> Oh yes, I know that feeling. When you say> "he has aspergers" and they said "ass, burgers,> what???"> > Haskin <babydoll_haskin > wrote: > OMG you said so much that hits home. We are> blessed our kids look "typical" and yet know that if> they looked different people would have so much more> tolerance with them. I know they make little cards> you can carry that explain Aspergers so that if your> child has a meltdown and people around seem to be> intolerant you can hand them a card with information> to educate them on the syndrome. I know it seems> like a hassle, but I can not count the number of> times I have, in self defense, blurted out "he has> aspergers" and I know people have NO IDEA what I am> talking about.> > Kaye Bates <kcbates2003 > wrote: > Donna, you said some very important and useful> things.> It does kinda make you mad the way some people feel> free to make judgements (like the teacher who said> the> para needed parenting classes). That does happen> though when people don't understand. And maybe> somebody needs to have a talk with that teacher so> she> might consider other possibilities besides the one> where it is all the parent's fault. There are lots> of> special needs kids in the world. They just don't> immediately LOOK that way. People would never dare> to> make remarks about a child with Down syndrome or a> child in a wheelchair because they understand there> are issues. They just don't immediately understand> that about kids with ASD unless somebody points it> out. I am at a point in my life where if I see> somebody passing judgments I try to nicely let them> know there are other reasons for what they see. It's> getting to be a pet peeve. Or maybe a civil> rights issue!> > Kaye> > --- Donna <donnalmoore> wrote:> > > Kaye,> > > > I agree completely. I try to remove my boys when> > they become inappropriate in front of others -> > family or friends and then just talk to them. I> > don't convey the consequences at that time because> > that just leads to further meltdown. Even though I> > do know that the meltdown and the inappropriate> > words and behavior in the moment are a result of> > their disability, I do believe that they can be> > taught to recognize their triggers and to develop> > some automatic, though scripted responses. That is> > what the therapist is doing with our 14 yo who is> in> > RTC now. It is also helping me to learn more and> be> > able to do that with our 16yo who is still at> home.> > > > We do have consequences for behaviors that are> > inappropriate because I do believe that if the> > consequences are consistent for the same behavior> > repeatedly then they can learn that as part of the> > scripted response to the behaviors. I hope that> > made sense. I just don't remind them of the> > consequences in the middle of the meltdown. The> > consequences are always the same and are discussed> > after the situation has calmed down and we are at> > home in a calm environment..Even if the behavior> is> > a part of their disability, I do think that we> need> > to teach appropriate replacement behaviors and> have> > consequences and rewards to reinforce both.> > > > The therapist at the RTC is helping us to put> > together a manual like they have at his group home> > for our house, so everything will be in black and> > white. That way we can remove the emotions. > > > > I think that the hardest thing for me is the other> > people who are around when these meltdowns are> > happening. One of my paraeducators in the class I> > teach, has a 12yo daughter who is diagnosed> > Aspergers. One morning before school the child was> > on a rampage and calling her mother a few choice> > words. One of the 6th grade teachers made the> > comment that my para needed to take some parenting> > classes and get control of that girl. Whereas> > another para in the school who has taught the> child,> > took her to her classroom and placed her in a> quiet> > environment until she calmed down. Then she talked> > to her about appropriate responses and> communicating> > her feelings. Sometimes I know that I get> > embarrassed and respond badly and escalate the> > situation because I want the people around to> think> > that I am a good parent! So I have cards made up> > that point people who stare or make comments to> > information about Aspergers, bipolar, anxiety> > disorder and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder,> since> > they seem so interested in my children's behavior> > and my parenting.> > > > > > Donna> > ----- Original Message ----- > > From: Kaye Bates > > > > Sent: Saturday, June 02, 2007 10:33 PM> > Subject: Re: ( ) discipline> > > > > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> > try to> > really be understanding. It's so easy to label> > some> > of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> > misbehavior. With mine, many times the> > "misbehavior"> > is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> > emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> > understand the difference between when she is> > completely overloaded due to her issues and when> > she> > is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> > appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> > is> > somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> > to> > ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> > get> > her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> > If> > it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> > of> > herself. I think the most important thing we can> > do> > is understand when they are having a problem due> > to> > their disability. It's certainly not fair to> > punish> > them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> > have limits. And teach them the right things to do> > when they are stressed out. And when they are just> > misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> > the> > same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> > I> > feel bad that I did not understand her issues> > better> > when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> > things she could not help at all. And now that she> > is> > a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> > making> > sure I do not let her off the hook for something> > that> > needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> > is> > my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> > can> > do is the best we can do. > > > > Kaye> > --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Where do I find these cards???!!!! andie, 54 with ankylosing spondilitis & depression married to 10 years. Mom to: Daughter-32 - BP-special ed teacher in NH-single, Son-31-electronics store mgr-married with 3 little ones from 9 mos to 6 yrs, Daughter-19-born cocaine addicted-healthy-off to college to interpret ASL, Pearl-15-born with 7 street drugs in system, BP, recently dx asperger’s - lamictal 200mg, lithium added 5/22/07, increased 6/4/07.Been in RTC for 3 months after 5 weeks of phosp. 3 girls are adopted (2 as infants) bio nieces. Sister-deceased from suicide over 8 years ago-schizophrenic and CD. "When your Heavenly Father looks down from heaven, he doesn't see your successes and failures. What he sees is the beautiful heart of a mother who has laid down her life for her children. And He is pleased with what he sees." -- Rev. Jim Brashear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Suzanne, You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for reaching your limit. We can all relate and then we can't. All these kids are different and then you can add in all the other issues that go with the AS. You have lots of shoulders here. Please don't feel like you can't voice your frustrations. Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> s! ure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Suzanne, I certainly understand. Life recently with my 10 yo AS ds has been anything but easy. I know we are " lucky " it's " just " AS, ( and potential BP and ADD ) and he is just MILDLY affected. But right now to me nothing about my beautiful son seems " mild " . I know where you are coming from. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 9, 2007 Report Share Posted June 9, 2007 You're right about that. And,,,,,we should all feel grateful for what we have, because it could always be worse,,,,,BUT......... when a person can say, "my child has autism" and the child is "classic autistic",,,,they get the understanding from everyone. ASD kids and families don't.......ever. That is not lucky. RobinRoxanna <madideas@...> wrote: It may not always feel "lucky" but trust me, you are lucky. I spent my morning trying to teach my 5 yo friend how to answer "yes" and "no" questions. So anyone with a child who is higher functioning or has AS, is very lucky. RoxannaAutism Happens Re: ( ) discipline> > > , I just know with my daughter I have to> try to> really be understanding. It's so easy to label> some> of the stuff they do as manipulative or deliberate> misbehavior. With mine, many times the> "misbehavior"> is really a complete overload. She is overloaded> emotionally, sensorily, God knows how. If I can> understand the difference between when she is> completely overloaded due to her issues and when> she> is cutting up on purpose, then I can respond> appropriately. If she is having a fit because she> is> somewhere too loud or she is stressed out, I try> to> ignore whatever comes out of her mouth, I try to> get> her calmed down, and we can talk about it later.> If> it is a true meltdown she is not at all in control> of> herself. I think the most important thing we can> do> is understand when they are having a problem due> to> their disability. It's certainly not fair to> punish> them for that stuff. At the same time you have to> have limits. And teach them the right things to do> when they are stressed out. And when they are just> misbehaving like any other kid, they need to get> the> same kinds of consequences. It is not at all easy.> I> feel bad that I did not understand her issues> better> when she was smaller. I am sure I punished her for> things she could not help at all. And now that she> is> a "snotty middle school kid" the challenge is> making> s! ure I do not let her off the hook for something> that> needs consequences. I have four kids, my AS child> is> my youngest, I am sure glad she was not my first. > They are very hard to parent effectively. All we> can> do is the best we can do. > > Kaye> --- stepfiesgirl <stepfiesgirl > wrote:> > > Any advice on discipline for an aspergers child?> > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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