Re: death

June 15, 2003

Thanks...I'll leave it alone for now.

June 15, 2003

In a message dated 6/15/03 7:14:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Minzplaying@... writes:

> BUT today, he asked his Grandma if she was ever

> going to die,she came to me and I told him the truth. (I've always

> been honest with him, even if a little evasive sometimes) Since then

> he has been crying, screaming and after about 4hrs solid of " I'm

> going to die? Your going to die? Grandma too? , I lied to him and

> said I was wrong. Grandma and I were going to die when we were

> 180yrs old, and he wasn't ever going to. He was too special....

> He's playing quietly now, but I know he's too sharp to believe me,

> and now I feel AWFUL! How can I fix this mess that since 10am this

> morning has escalated to a huge problem here? Can some one help

> me??? Thanks in advance, Mindy

>

Maybe you should rent Disney's Simba movie to get the idea of a " circle of

life. " I've always handled things from a more scientific POV. I always told my

son that yes, we would die but that it would not be for a long time yet. One

option is to use animals or pets to discuss how we are born and live and

die...it might be easier to focus on an animal than on you or himself???

Just ideas. I know there is no easy answer to this. Welcome to our list!

Roxanna ôô

What doesn't kill us

Makes us really mean.

June 15, 2003

Hi Roxanne...

I love your quote on the bottom.....fits my attitude perfectly! lol

He has the movie, and we live on a semi farm...he's had pets that have died,

dissappeared and has accepted that animals die. He accepted his great

grandparents' deaths because they were old and sick...I took him over there sooo

much, that he knew they weren't hurting anymore when it happened.

But this is a more abstract kind of thing....a what if and when thing...

and to hear him bawling and sobbing when I said yes, one day....it was so

sad.

Glad to be here!!! Thanks! Mindy

June 15, 2003

In a message dated 6/15/03 10:44:01 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Minzplaying@... writes:

> But this is a more abstract kind of thing....a what if and when thing...

> and to hear him bawling and sobbing when I said yes, one day....it was so

> sad.

> Glad to be here!!! Thanks! Mindy

>

Poor thing. I know this is a tough subject!

Roxanna ôô

What doesn't kill us

Makes us really mean.

June 15, 2003

> Hi group! I just joined today, and am hoping that someone out

there

> can help me out.

> My son is 6 and was diagnosed 3yrs ago, and he and I have been

doing

> really well. He was in early intervention and this year he

completed

> Kindergarten with all A's! He's come a long way and we've worked

> hard to get here. Last year, both of my surviving grandparents

died

> within 3mos of each other from Cancer. He handled it pretty well,

we

> looked up what cancer looked like so he could *see* what the

disease

> looked like, and although he talks about them almost everyday, he

> wasn't obsessing on their being gone. He knows they are up in

heaven

> looking out for him. BUT today, he asked his Grandma if she was

ever

> going to die,she came to me and I told him the truth. (I've always

> been honest with him, even if a little evasive sometimes) Since

then

> he has been crying, screaming and after about 4hrs solid of " I'm

> going to die? Your going to die? Grandma too? , I lied to him and

> said I was wrong. Grandma and I were going to die when we were

> 180yrs old, and he wasn't ever going to. He was too special....

> He's playing quietly now, but I know he's too sharp to believe me,

> and now I feel AWFUL! How can I fix this mess that since 10am this

> morning has escalated to a huge problem here? Can some one help

> me??? Thanks in advance, Mindy

Hi Mindy,

Welcome to the group. I don't really have a magic answer for you.

But I do think that many kids get that sudden realization of death

and get upset about it. When my son got it, I assured him that I was

going to live a long, long time and not die until he was an old man.

And then I told him that when he died, I'd be right there to greet

him and we'd all be so happy to see each other and we'd have a big

party. It worked for him. But every kid is different. If your son

has calmed down, maybe it's best to just let it go for now, until he

brings it up again.

Kathy

June 16, 2003

<<<<<<> and now I feel AWFUL! How can I fix this mess that since 10am this

morning has escalated to a huge problem here? Can some one help

> me??? Thanks in advance, Mindy>

Mindy, step number one to " fix this mess " :

1) stop feeling so awful. you did not do anything wrong! you did not say

anything mean to him. You did not make a mess!

now.....

2) remember AS and obssessive subjects he is just stuck there a little

3) all kids have anxiety for a while when they meet the death of a loved one

and realize they may lose more loved ones. having pets may help understand

Death, but it does not mean the child is able or ready to generalize the idea to

a person or apply it specifically to someone they are really closed to.

GIVE your child TIME.

I am sorry for the passing of your grandparents.

Fania

June 16, 2003

Mindy,

I am sorry we have never had that problem. I have had a lot of family members

die at a young age but I tell it won't happen to us and he accepts that.

My brother died a year ago this week from complications of asthma and heart

problems. He was a single parent to my niece who is 7. did ask a lot about

it but was reassured that he wouldn't be in the same place.

June 16, 2003

Thanks for the support! I needed to hear that! it helps sometimes...

I'm glad I found you guys....I've already hit on a few different solutions

from here.

Mindy

June 16, 2003

> Thanks for the support! I needed to hear that! it helps

sometimes...

>

> I'm glad I found you guys....I've already hit on a few different

solutions

> from here.

>

> Mindy

Oh, stick around. You ain't seen nothin' yet. We have a virtual

encyclopedia of wisdom and knowledge around here!

Kathy

June 18, 2003

Well all, the death concept is pretty horrible for a kid, and Im not too

happy with it either... so I came up with this:

I told my son that our bodies get old and die, but when we are old and wise,

our spirits do not need bodies anymore. That someone's spirit is invisible and

doesnt have a body to be able to talk to us. That some spirits go ahead and

go to heaven to seek bliss, and others stay around and watch over loved ones

and become guardian angels for awhile before they go. That death is like taking

off one's overcoat in the summer, shedding what we no longer need, and that

love still reaches them.

metaphysical rendition

June 18, 2003

I LIKE THAT! I'll give it a try....Thanks, Mindy

June 18, 2003

excellent

( ) Re: death

Well all, the death concept is pretty horrible for a kid, and Im not too

happy with it either... so I came up with this:

I told my son that our bodies get old and die, but when we are old and wise,

our spirits do not need bodies anymore. That someone's spirit is invisible and

doesnt have a body to be able to talk to us. That some spirits go ahead and

go to heaven to seek bliss, and others stay around and watch over loved ones

and become guardian angels for awhile before they go. That death is like

taking

off one's overcoat in the summer, shedding what we no longer need, and that

love still reaches them.

metaphysical rendition

May 31, 2006

Hello, First off, I sympathize with you over your loss... My AS

daughter is 16, my second daughter died full term, before delivery. At

that time my daughter was 7. I not only took her to the funeral but i

let her hold her little sister. I have pictures of her smiling big,

even though she knew her sister didn't make it. We visit her grave

whenever my daughter wishes to, although for the past couple years its

been less and less. She has always wanted a sister and always will want

another sister. I felt then, and still do now, that the best thing I

could do to help my daughter was to let her attend the funeral and let

her hold her little sister. At such a young age, the need to make the

definite connection between life and death was important to her when

she was 7rs old; it helped make more sense to her about what happened

to her sister.

*Note: It has never occurred to her that she almost lost her mother

too at that time. I think she thinks mom will be there for her forever,

hence she can dump her stress on mom regularly. Dad works so when hes

home he eats, messes around relaxing for about 2 hours then goes to

bed, as he gets up early in morning for work each day.

May 31, 2006

Theresa, I am so sorry you are having to go through such a horrendous

thing. My sympathy and prayers go to you and your family. I can only

imagine how amazingly hard this must be for you. I won't try to tell

you any platitudes or quote anything inspirational because I know when I

have lost someone, it simply comes off as hollow and trite. I can tell

you how my son handled the recent funeral of my Grandmother though and

perhaps it will help with something. Normally, he has a very hard time

in public but during the services he was magically subdued as he did

" get " the seriousness of what was happening, if even just a little. Of

course, he was running around the chapel afterwards but nobody minded as

everyone was busy talking to each other. He and my Grandmother were

pretty close and loved each other allot but Quentin only cried once. I

could tell it was bothering him more than he let on though but he has

such a hard time expressing emotions on such a deep level. It has been

a few months now and he occasionally says how much he misses her and

looks as sad as he can look. From a child's perspective, I know when my

stepfather died, all the adults were running around, taking care of

everything and my brother and I were temporarily forgotten,

understandably. But then a few of my family made a point of doing

something special for us to help take our mind off things and that has

always meant the world to me. My best advice is to just be there for

your son. Talk to him about what happened, even if he doesn't initiate

the conversation, let him know how much he means to you and especially

tell him that you are going to have a rough time for awhile and things

will not be normal but that they will, you promise, be ok again in the

near future. Don't be afraid to let him see how upset you are, it helps

for the child to understand what really happened. Lots of hugs and

kisses will be good not just for him but you as well. For you though, I

also have some advice... Lean on your family, let them know when you

need them or need help, don't worry about keeping the house clean or

fixing dinner or anything like that, just focus on dealing with what

happened and keeping it together. That is hard enough all by itself. I

really hope you and your family pull through this ok and wish you

nothing but the best and hope that God clears your path so that nothing,

not even the smallest glitch, comes for up for a long time. I will say

a prayer for you today as I know what a hard day this is.

With love and understanding,

Tabitha

( ) Death

I don't know how to start this. Most of you know I have an aspie, age

11. My oldest son was killed in an accident over the weekend. His

funeral is today. He was Jake's hero, his best friend, and his

comfort. Jake has been doing surprisingly well since this happened. He

has been able to cry alot, which I was worried about him being able to

express his grief. My problem now is, do I bring him to the funeral.

He thinks he wants to go and say goodbye, but is a little unsure. I am

a wreck myself and will not be able to provide much support for him

during the services, but my brother will be with him. Have any of you

had any kind of experience with this at all? Read anything about

aspies dealing with death? I need some input asap, this was my first

chance to log on. Thank you for any advice you may have.

Theresa

May 31, 2006

Theresa,

My sincerest sympathy for you and your family at this

difficult time. My prayers and thoughts are with you

all.

I would agree with Gail. Let him go and if things get

too overwhelming, have someone that can take him out

and be with him.

Melinda

May 31, 2006

Theresa,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

When my step mom died last January all our kids went to the house right

afterwards. Reggie sat with her and held her hand and cried a bit, but for

the most part he was just very quiet. We reminded him often about how much

she loved him and how proud she was that he was her grandson. We told him

she would always be apart of his memories and in his heart. He still every

once in a while will tell us how much he misses her and even sheds a couple

tears almost 18 months later. I think it was important though for him to be

a part of funeral so he could say good bye.

This is going to be a hard day for you all and I too will say a prayer for

you.

With deepest sympathy,

Suzanne

-- ( ) Death