The Grim Reaper

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've taken to giving all of my postings some kind of dramatic

and capitalized subject heading. Suits my mood lately.

OK--it's settling in. I'm starting to become really scared about

surgery on Tuesday. Driving home from dinner tonight (yes, fettucine

alfredo in a trough with a large Coke--no surprise there!) I was

noticing the beautiful scenery in Virginia and thinking that I might

not see it ever again after I die on the operating table next week.

THEN I started thinking about my husband and two little girls--not

about how much I would miss them, but how much THEY would miss and

need ME. The girls would be so sad and my already-somewhat-reluctant-

but-nevertheless-supportive-and-loving husband would be so full of

regrets and guilty feelings about not talking me out of the surgery.

(Like that ever would work!)

I talk to myself rationally when this happens: Gagner's mortality

rate for those with a BMI under 60 is zero; my BMI is only 46; I am

only 31 years old and healthy as ever in terms of being able to walk

long distances quickly and exercise strenuously; I am a great

candidate for surgery, etc., etc. And I pray, but maybe not as much

as I should. Neither one of these things, however, keep the death

thoughts at bay for very long.

Other than taking large doses of Xanax with a margarita chaser (don't

ya love girl drinks?), does anyone have any ideas about how to make

these worries go away for a longer amount of time? I need some

mental peace!

Thanks,