I lost my message

[Guest guest]

I am trying to find the long message I wrote, mostly to Francisco. I

will try to find it and send it. Sometimes my messages get lost here

but this time I made a copy. Nope. It is lost. Too bad. It was deep.

O well.

I will try to recreate it. I liked that list you made, Francisco of

all the wonderful things that you have found since you had the

surgery. I was thinking about my own list but the most important

thing on my list, of course, besides the no more pills is that my

hip stopped hurting and I can walk again. Yesterday, I told my step

mother that I was 10 years younger now. How much better is that? I

expect to take off another five years as the months go by. This is

just miraculous.

I also mentioned something about my process here. I find that I

want to nibble at certain times. I especially want to nibble when I

come in from outside. I want a cherry tomato, a thin slice of

cheese, a cracker. It is not a lot right now but my doctor told me

that eating in between meals is absolutely not OK because that is

how people gain weight. I tried to do it with discipline and it

works to some degree but then Gity told me to see this nibbling as a

part of me that needs to be recognized and understood if I am to

eliminate it for good. I have gained a great incite into it as I

used to come home from school at 13 and buy candy and popcorn and

eat it in my room by myself. I was so miserable that year. That is

when when I began to comfort myself with food. I want to nibble late

at night, too. Lonliness? There seems to be a part of me that wants

to feel bad about myself. These behaviors make me feel guilty and

shameful. Then I need to hide. That leads to worse behaviors. In any

case, there are other

things I can do when I come into the house, like thumb through the

mail or catalogs or mags. But at night, I have to order myself out

of the room and I have not found a substitute for my needs yet.

I love to dance too. I used to square dance but I love all kinds

of dancing. I have joined Curves to strengthen myself first. Then I

will dance again. That will be a milestone in my life, when I can

dance again. Love to you and to all the wonderful people on this

board. Lilka