Aging parents, you, and grandchildren

[Guest guest]

I now know what I am, a club sandwich with lots of chips! LOL Marilyn,

who really deals with this on an everyday basis. Great article, at least for

me. ;-)

>

> The Sandwich Generation

>

> Baby boomers have a new, equally fitting nomenclature—the sandwich

> generation. Carol Abaya, M.A., a syndicated columnist and recognized expert on

the

> sandwich generation coined these expressions:

>

>

> Traditional: People involved in caring for both their elderly parents and

> their own kids.

>

> Club Sandwich: Baby boomers with elderly parents, adult children, and

> grandchildren.

>

> Open-faced: People responsible for caring for their elderly parents. While

> these names are clever, when you think about it, the situations are not

> surprising. Since the 1980s, there’s been a shift in demographics, with

women

> marrying and having their first child much later in life. Consequently, many

of us

> are sandwiched between the needs of our growing children and those of our

> aging parents. And because there are more single parents today than ever

> before, many of us are taking an active role in raising our grandchildren.

>

> Mine is a traditional sandwich, with me in the “middle†of the two most

> important women in my life. My daughter is in college and my Mom, still a

> practicing doctor, is nearly 84. One is on the verge of complete independence,

> while the other has started to slow down a bit and become more dependent.

>

> Bittersweet Transition

>

> will finish college shortly and embark on a new phase of her life.

> On the one hand, I am filled with pride and joy and love for her. She is a

> very talented art student with a busy, fulfilling life and many opportunities.

> But as I watch with happiness as she moves toward complete self-sufficiency, I

> also feel a sense of loss. It’s hard to watch your child individuate and

> realize that they don’t need you the way they used to.

>

> Our relationship has been gradually changing as moves through

> college with plans to go to graduate school, has taken a job two days a week

in a

> bookstore, and explores new and exciting adventures with her friends.

> Luckily, despite our busy schedules, we continue to be close and I treasure

the

> mother/daughter time that we spend together.

>

> As our relationship continues to evolve, we will be equals, in other ways

> she will know more than I. And although she will still encounter circumstances

> where my wisdom would be indispensable, she may not be willing to accept my

> help. And I will be challenged to sit back and do nothing!

>

> Equally Poignant

>

> As your parents become frail and need more of your support, your roles also

> begin to reverse. This isn’t easy for anyone. It’s difficult to watch your

> parents age. As their child, you think of them as being young and vital.

> Unfortunately, even the strongest start to fail with time. And as many of my

> patients and friends have told me, it really pulls at your heartstrings. This

is

> true whether your parent is just slowing down or coping with a major illness.

> Even more heart breaking is when your parent’s memory is affected and you

can

> ’t have conversations with them the way you used to.

>

> At the time in your life when you are at the peak of your career (you have

> successfully managed your home, raised your children, and become active and

> connected with the community), you may also become a caregiver to your parent.

> Gone is that whimsical daydream of your children leaving for college and you

> and your spouse traveling around the world without a care in the world.

> Understandably, this can put you under a tremendous amount of stress or leave

you

> feeling sad or even disappointed.

>

> What You Can Do

>

> The most important thing you can do is to be aware that your emotions will

> run the gamut from great joy to great loss during this phase of life. If

you’

> re feeling vulnerable or blue, take time to nurture yourself. Whatever you

> do, don’t let resentment and guilt keep you from continuing your personal

> development or enjoying life.

>

> There’s no doubt that being a member of the sandwich generation has its own

> unique challenges. But midlife is also laden with rewards available only to

> those who have reached this stage in life.

>

> Here's to your health!

>

> M. Lark, MD

>

> P.S. In the June issue of the Lark Letter

>

>