Re: Reacting badly to a possible BPD stepchild.

[Guest guest]

Dear Father of BP stepdaughter

Thank your lucky stars she is moving in with grandparents. I would

encourage you and your wife to stand together with a firm resolve to NOT allow

her

back in your home if grandparents kick her out.

There is NO reason for you to put up with the abuse she throws your way.

How dare she !!!!!!!!!!! She needs to get a taste of consequences for her

nasty behaviors. Psychologically it is certainly not good for you or anyone

else

to be constantly emotionally abused by anyone let alone their child. Do not

allow it. Stand your ground and demand respect from her.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Dan

PS Her grandmother will certainly NOT put up with her if indeed, grandma is

BP herself. BPs like to dish it out; they don't take it very well.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean,

Thank you for your support. The grandmother is totally snowed over

by this child. I am now persona non grata at her house. Her

grandmother believes that no matter what her grand daughter said to

me that I had no right to react the way I reacted. Of course the

grandmother has yet to be told f'u by her grand daughter but that

day will come and I will be interested to see how she reacts. Given

what my wife has said about her mother my reactions have been mild

in comparison. I am not proud of the way I reacted however I am not

going to be abused by anyone, least of all a child. So yes, more

therapy for me and maybe next time I will have the magic words to de-

escalate my stepchild who hates me with a passion - but I doubt it.

Dan

>

> Dear Father of BP stepdaughter

>

> Thank your lucky stars she is moving in with grandparents. I

would

> encourage you and your wife to stand together with a firm resolve

to NOT allow her

> back in your home if grandparents kick her out.

>

> There is NO reason for you to put up with the abuse she throws

your way.

> How dare she !!!!!!!!!!! She needs to get a taste of

consequences for her

> nasty behaviors. Psychologically it is certainly not good for

you or anyone else

> to be constantly emotionally abused by anyone let alone their

child. Do not

> allow it. Stand your ground and demand respect from her.

>

> Jean

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/17/2006 3:55:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,

dankmitta@... writes:

How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

what you do not want to think about the child?

Hello there and Welcome! You have come to the right place, lots of hugs and

support and advice here. I have a daughter, 19 now and she's well. But not

after five years of utter chaos, nothing short of what you are going through

now. Yes, we have been where you are.

She is my daughter, and stepdaughter to my new husband of 4 years too. We

have similar situations. Much harder for him to understand and keep quiet. She

would get his goat as yours does you. You probably have a harder time not

raging back than your wife does. I'm easier than my husband. It took a long

time, but I learned how to change myself, change my REACTIONS to her ACTIONS,

and then they would stop and soon thereafter, cease.

I had to learn to think with my head and not my heart. Hopefully you can be

a supportive spouse to your wife in the dealings with her daughter. This is

so monumental in helping deal with the child.

You are right in stating that once her behavior is realized by her

grandparents, that she will be right back with you. They are too old to be

dealing with

these issues, let alone dealing with a child with none. And, you state she

will be 18 in two months? You should be jumping for joy. I couldn't wait for

mine to turn 18. The minute she did, I booted her out.

I let her back, booted her out again. She wasn't getting up and going to

school, laying around all day, not working, doing nothing. In jeopardy of

failing her last year of school.

The second time I let her back, I drew up a written contract, sat her down.

I became another person. I had to stop being her mother for a time, treat her

as if she were someone else's daughter. We had a long one on one. I set

boundaries, we read the rules and the consequences of breaking those rules. I

told her she had one shot at making this work. If she blew it, she was back out

on her own. The place where she was staying, the mom told her too, since my

daughter didn't care about going to school, then she couldn't either. She had

to get out. I had to make my daughter think I wasn't concerned anymore with

her finishing school. I figured, if she didn't care they why was I busting a

nut to make sure she finished? It took a lot of changing for me, I was a

MAJOR enabler. Thinking too much with my heart. Fearing the worst. It won't

happen. You would be surprised at the resources they find when they have to.

Key is getting their thinking process straightened out. Lots of serotonin I

say. Get the old brain chemicals back in balance. The moment I sat her down

with contract, all was changed. She never missed another day of school, and

tearfully, graduated with her class. She (finally) has one steady b/f and has

been working ever since. Hashing around taking courses at the local college, but

I'm not pushing! She's doing well.

My daughter is a true success story. I've got my little girl back. Even

yesterday she said, I'm back and better than ever! She's such a joy, and like

yours, an extremely artistic talent.

Sometimes I can't believe what she puts down on paper from her head. She's

awesome.

Besides beautiful, funny, loving. I am truly blessed to have her back.

Get yourself some books, Co-Dependent No More is a good one. It helps your

wife to know, too, how supportive you sound like you can truly be. It's very

hard trying to change, it sometimes seems easier just to blow and rage back.

But it never works. My daughter once in while brings up the things my hubby

would say to her, mean things. Words hurt.

She would ask why he had to say that, it's harder for me to try to explain to

her why, I don't know. No patience, whatever. So, if for nothing else, it

will help your wife down the road if she doesn't have to explain to her

daughter how mad you got! Hope all this helps you some, glad to meet you!

DebbieL

[Guest guest]

Hey Dank,

You know the right thing to do -- you're almost there! Your stepdaughter's

behavior and rages towards you will not change until you change your reactions

to her and are consistent. When she realizes she cannot get to you, they will

stop.

Additionally, each time she uses foul language, you state that is not

appropriate language, it is disrespectful, very calmly.

" I know that the step daughter resents the whole pregnancy

and the death often accusing her mother of caring more for her dead

son than she does for her living daughter. "

I might state , " I am sorry you feel this way. " I am sorry you are hurting.

Empathy may get her to turn around.

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> I am new here and like others I just do not know where to start. I

> know I do not like how my step daughter can get me to react, badly,

> when she attacks me verbally. She says some of the most vile and

> hurtful things for example, she tells me she hates me, she tells me

> that I am f'd up, she tells me to shut the f up, on and on and on it

> has gone for well ever since I married her mother nearly four years

> ago. Her lack of respect towards me has been a constant since day

> one. On top of the verbal abuse there has been a stream of petty

> thefts, lies, and other misdemeanors. Sometimes I am able to put her

> on extinction, other times, I just explode right back at her and

> yell shut the f up, or react with just as much vile and venom, as

> she spits my way. Afterwards I feel regret at what I had said and

> horrible that I allowed her to get my goat so bad that I go to the

> gutter with her. But at the time, I just don't care, all I want is

> her abuse to stop - so I fight rather than flee. I have got to the

> point where apologizing is pointless, as is being apologized to,

> since it happens so frequently.

> On the other hand my step daughter tells me that I am the

> only " real " father she has ever had. Sometimes she will apologize

> profusely for her rages. She is a talented artist and has drawn some

> very nice things for me.

> My stepdaughter has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, Intermittent

> Explosive and Oppositional Defiant Disorders, and Poly-substance

> Abuse. However, my wife, has suspected that her daughter is a BPD

> for some time now but it was only recently that she has become

> convinced of her BPD. My wife is a school psychologist and knows

> better to diagnose her own daughter but we are frustrated by a very

> slow and often times unresponsive health care system and we are

> fearful that if misdiagnosed that her daughter will not receive the

> help she needs.

> Currently, the step daughter has just moved out of the house and to

> her grandparents. Her grandmother is convinced that I and my wife

> are abusing her grand daughter. My wife's mother may be BPD too but

> that is another story. The point is that my step daughter probably

> will not last long at her grand parents' house because if she is

> BPD, or heck even with the above diagnoses, she will have an episode

> and the grandparents will be clueless how to handle it other than

> kicking her out of the house. My step daughter turns 18 in just two

> months and that is another real concern.

> A little about me. I am a recovering alcoholic who is 24 years clean

> and sober and still active with AA. I am well educated with a

> doctorate in educational research. However I am also marginally

> employed at this time and that is a big source of stress in my life.

> My wife and I have been married going on 4 years now. Early in our

> marriage my wife and I were expecting a child but the pregnancy

> turned very complicated and we lost our prematurely born son five

> hours after he was born. The loss was devastating to both my wife

> and I and I know that the step daughter resents the whole pregnancy

> and the death often accusing her mother of caring more for her dead

> son than she does for her living daughter.

> I've read several threads were advice is for the parents to get

> therapy, and I have, as well as using the Alanon program which all

> helps but there are still times that she just is relentless in her

> attacks and says that one thing that just gets me going and boom we

> are in each other's face trading insults and other verbal nastiness.

> How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

> you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

> get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

> do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

> what you do not want to think about the child?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help, @....

SEND

> HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

>

> Essential reading to help you feel better and understand the BP in your life

> are:

>

> • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> • HOPE FOR PARENTS

>

> Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

>

>

[Guest guest]

Carol,

Thank you. Yes, I have done the right thing more

times than not however it still baffles me that I

let her get to me. Practice, practice, practice

still does not make perfect just better. My wife,

who has suffered through this longer than I, is

by and large pretty good at putting her daughter

on extinction, however my step daughter then just

switches her focus from mom to either myself or

her brother. Depending upon circumstances either

one of us may react poorly or correctly. However

it has always been inconsistent.

Dan

At 05:40 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

>Hey Dank,

>

>You know the right thing to do -- you're almost

>there! Your stepdaughter's behavior and rages

>towards you will not change until you change

>your reactions to her and are consistent. When

>she realizes she cannot get to you, they will stop.

>

>Additionally, each time she uses foul language,

>you state that is not appropriate language, it is disrespectful, very calmly.

>

>

> " I know that the step daughter resents the whole pregnancy

>and the death often accusing her mother of caring more for her dead

>son than she does for her living daughter. "

>I might state , " I am sorry you feel this

>way. " I am sorry you are hurting. Empathy may get her to turn around.

>

>Carol

>

>

>-------------- Original message --------------

>

>

> > I am new here and like others I just do not know where to start. I

> > know I do not like how my step daughter can get me to react, badly,

> > when she attacks me verbally. She says some of the most vile and

> > hurtful things for example, she tells me she hates me, she tells me

> > that I am f'd up, she tells me to shut the f up, on and on and on it

> > has gone for well ever since I married her mother nearly four years

> > ago. Her lack of respect towards me has been a constant since day

> > one. On top of the verbal abuse there has been a stream of petty

> > thefts, lies, and other misdemeanors. Sometimes I am able to put her

> > on extinction, other times, I just explode right back at her and

> > yell shut the f up, or react with just as much vile and venom, as

> > she spits my way. Afterwards I feel regret at what I had said and

> > horrible that I allowed her to get my goat so bad that I go to the

> > gutter with her. But at the time, I just don't care, all I want is

> > her abuse to stop - so I fight rather than flee. I have got to the

> > point where apologizing is pointless, as is being apologized to,

> > since it happens so frequently.

> > On the other hand my step daughter tells me that I am the

> > only " real " father she has ever had. Sometimes she will apologize

> > profusely for her rages. She is a talented artist and has drawn some

> > very nice things for me.

> > My stepdaughter has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, Intermittent

> > Explosive and Oppositional Defiant Disorders, and Poly-substance

> > Abuse. However, my wife, has suspected that her daughter is a BPD

> > for some time now but it was only recently that she has become

> > convinced of her BPD. My wife is a school psychologist and knows

> > better to diagnose her own daughter but we are frustrated by a very

> > slow and often times unresponsive health care system and we are

> > fearful that if misdiagnosed that her daughter will not receive the

> > help she needs.

> > Currently, the step daughter has just moved out of the house and to

> > her grandparents. Her grandmother is convinced that I and my wife

> > are abusing her grand daughter. My wife's mother may be BPD too but

> > that is another story. The point is that my step daughter probably

> > will not last long at her grand parents' house because if she is

> > BPD, or heck even with the above diagnoses, she will have an episode

> > and the grandparents will be clueless how to handle it other than

> > kicking her out of the house. My step daughter turns 18 in just two

> > months and that is another real concern.

> > A little about me. I am a recovering alcoholic who is 24 years clean

> > and sober and still active with AA. I am well educated with a

> > doctorate in educational research. However I am also marginally

> > employed at this time and that is a big source of stress in my life.

> > My wife and I have been married going on 4 years now. Early in our

> > marriage my wife and I were expecting a child but the pregnancy

> > turned very complicated and we lost our prematurely born son five

> > hours after he was born. The loss was devastating to both my wife

> > and I and I know that the step daughter resents the whole pregnancy

> > and the death often accusing her mother of caring more for her dead

> > son than she does for her living daughter.

> > I've read several threads were advice is for the parents to get

> > therapy, and I have, as well as using the Alanon program which all

> > helps but there are still times that she just is relentless in her

> > attacks and says that one thing that just gets me going and boom we

> > are in each other's face trading insults and other verbal nastiness.

> > How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

> > you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

> > get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

> > do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

> > what you do not want to think about the child?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager

> for help, @.... SEND

> > HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

> >

> > Essential reading to help you feel better and

> understand the BP in your life

> > are:

> >

> > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> > • HOPE FOR PARENTS

> >

> > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Dan,

We went through much of the same.

They are master manipulators. My daughter played my husband, and then me.

First, my husband was the most consistent and balanced. She knows she's really

gone too far if she pushes his buttons.

I worked for months trying to get it right. I took it out on my husband,

instead of my daughter, and said please bear with me, I'll get this right. Once

you don't take things personally, and remove yourself from it (pretend there is

no relation, that she is a stranger), it gets easier.

Thanx for sharing with the group,

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

> Carol,

>

> Thank you. Yes, I have done the right thing more

> times than not however it still baffles me that I

> let her get to me. Practice, practice, practice

> still does not make perfect just better. My wife,

> who has suffered through this longer than I, is

> by and large pretty good at putting her daughter

> on extinction, however my step daughter then just

> switches her focus from mom to either myself or

> her brother. Depending upon circumstances either

> one of us may react poorly or correctly. However

> it has always been inconsistent.

>

> Dan

>

>

>

> At 05:40 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

> >Hey Dank,

> >

> >You know the right thing to do -- you're almost

> >there! Your stepdaughter's behavior and rages

> >towards you will not change until you change

> >your reactions to her and are consistent. When

> >she realizes she cannot get to you, they will stop.

> >

> >Additionally, each time she uses foul language,

> >you state that is not appropriate language, it is disrespectful, very calmly.

> >

> >

> > " I know that the step daughter resents the whole pregnancy

> >and the death often accusing her mother of caring more for her dead

> >son than she does for her living daughter. "

> >I might state , " I am sorry you feel this

> >way. " I am sorry you are hurting. Empathy may get her to turn around.

> >

> >Carol

> >

> >

> >-------------- Original message --------------

> >From: " dankmitta "

> >

> > > I am new here and like others I just do not know where to start. I

> > > know I do not like how my step daughter can get me to react, badly,

> > > when she attacks me verbally. She says some of the most vile and

> > > hurtful things for example, she tells me she hates me, she tells me

> > > that I am f'd up, she tells me to shut the f up, on and on and on it

> > > has gone for well ever since I married her mother nearly four years

> > > ago. Her lack of respect towards me has been a constant since day

> > > one. On top of the verbal abuse there has been a stream of petty

> > > thefts, lies, and other misdemeanors. Sometimes I am able to put her

> > > on extinction, other times, I just explode right back at her and

> > > yell shut the f up, or react with just as much vile and venom, as

> > > she spits my way. Afterwards I feel regret at what I had said and

> > > horrible that I allowed her to get my goat so bad that I go to the

> > > gutter with her. But at the time, I just don't care, all I want is

> > > her abuse to stop - so I fight rather than flee. I have got to the

> > > point where apologizing is pointless, as is being apologized to,

> > > since it happens so frequently.

> > > On the other hand my step daughter tells me that I am the

> > > only " real " father she has ever had. Sometimes she will apologize

> > > profusely for her rages. She is a talented artist and has drawn some

> > > very nice things for me.

> > > My stepdaughter has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, Intermittent

> > > Explosive and Oppositional Defiant Disorders, and Poly-substance

> > > Abuse. However, my wife, has suspected that her daughter is a BPD

> > > for some time now but it was only recently that she has become

> > > convinced of her BPD. My wife is a school psychologist and knows

> > > better to diagnose her own daughter but we are frustrated by a very

> > > slow and often times unresponsive health care system and we are

> > > fearful that if misdiagnosed that her daughter will not receive the

> > > help she needs.

> > > Currently, the step daughter has just moved out of the house and to

> > > her grandparents. Her grandmother is convinced that I and my wife

> > > are abusing her grand daughter. My wife's mother may be BPD too but

> > > that is another story. The point is that my step daughter probably

> > > will not last long at her grand parents' house because if she is

> > > BPD, or heck even with the above diagnoses, she will have an episode

> > > and the grandparents will be clueless how to handle it other than

> > > kicking her out of the house. My step daughter turns 18 in just two

> > > months and that is another real concern.

> > > A little about me. I am a recovering alcoholic who is 24 years clean

> > > and sober and still active with AA. I am well educated with a

> > > doctorate in educational research. However I am also marginally

> > > employed at this time and that is a big source of stress in my life.

> > > My wife and I have been married going on 4 years now. Early in our

> > > marriage my wife and I were expecting a child but the pregnancy

> > > turned very complicated and we lost our prematurely born son five

> > > hours after he was born. The loss was devastating to both my wife

> > > and I and I know that the step daughter resents the whole pregnancy

> > > and the death often accusing her mother of caring more for her dead

> > > son than she does for her living daughter.

> > > I've read several threads were advice is for the parents to get

> > > therapy, and I have, as well as using the Alanon program which all

> > > helps but there are still times that she just is relentless in her

> > > attacks and says that one thing that just gets me going and boom we

> > > are in each other's face trading insults and other verbal nastiness.

> > > How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

> > > you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

> > > get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

> > > do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

> > > what you do not want to think about the child?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager

> > for help, @.... SEND

> > > HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT RESPOND ONLINE.

> > >

> > > Essential reading to help you feel better and

> > understand the BP in your life

> > > are:

> > >

> > > • SWOE ( " Stop Walking on Eggshells”) and the SWOE Workbook (for everyone)

> > > • HOPE FOR PARENTS

> > >

> > > Call 888-35-SHELL () to order your copies.

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner of BPDCentral and the WTO Online Community

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Debbie,

Thank you for a very thoughtful reply and the

hope contained within. Yes, my stepdaughter has

told me from time to time that she does love me

and I do feel and see the good in her. I have

been there so many times for her that when she

says she hates me and that I am worthless it

really hurts. Yes, words do hurt. My step

daughter has said terrible things to me and about

me and they hurt. Funny, never have I said a

hurtful word to her unprovoked. The consequences

to her behavior are that when she attacks,

unskilled people like myself, tend to attack

back. She has also asked her mom why I have said

the things I have and my wife, to her credit,

points out that it is a consequence of the attacking behavior.

One of the most difficult things has been being

there for my wife. Sometimes when I get angry

towards my step daughter I vent to my wife or

worse I look to my wife to make it stop and she

can't make it stop. I know now, that my step

daughter engages in splitting behavior, so I am

better informed with how to respond, at least to

my wife. It is painful watching my wife go

through so much pain. I can not imagine what it

is for her to see her child, her once loving baby

girl, turn into such, for lack of a better word,

monster. It is hard on her and so I try to set

aside my stuff so I can be there for her. Though

sometimes, especially now that I am seriously

underemployed, it is hard to even be there for

myself. Prayer, meditation, support all work but

it has to be a sustained effort which sometimes I fail to do.

I belong to a lot of list serves but this one I

will be keeping an eye on and read and respond as

often as I can. Your story is very encouraging

and I look forward to reading your posts in the future.

Peace,

Dan

At 09:13 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

>In a message dated 4/17/2006 3:55:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,

>dankmitta@... writes:

>How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

>you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

>get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

>do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

>what you do not want to think about the child?

>Hello there and Welcome! You have come to the right place, lots of hugs and

>support and advice here. I have a daughter, 19 now and she's well. But not

>after five years of utter chaos, nothing short of what you are going through

>now. Yes, we have been where you are.

>She is my daughter, and stepdaughter to my new husband of 4 years too. We

>have similar situations. Much harder for him to

>understand and keep quiet. She

>would get his goat as yours does you. You probably have a harder time not

>raging back than your wife does. I'm easier than my husband. It took a long

>time, but I learned how to change myself, change my REACTIONS to her ACTIONS,

>and then they would stop and soon thereafter, cease.

>I had to learn to think with my head and not my heart. Hopefully you can be

>a supportive spouse to your wife in the dealings with her daughter. This is

>so monumental in helping deal with the child.

>

>You are right in stating that once her behavior is realized by her

>grandparents, that she will be right back with

>you. They are too old to be dealing with

>these issues, let alone dealing with a child with none. And, you state she

>will be 18 in two months? You should be jumping

>for joy. I couldn't wait for

>mine to turn 18. The minute she did, I booted her out.

>I let her back, booted her out again. She wasn't getting up and going to

>school, laying around all day, not working, doing nothing. In jeopardy of

>failing her last year of school.

>

>The second time I let her back, I drew up a written contract, sat her down.

>I became another person. I had to stop being

>her mother for a time, treat her

>as if she were someone else's daughter. We had a long one on one. I set

>boundaries, we read the rules and the

>consequences of breaking those rules. I

>told her she had one shot at making this

>work. If she blew it, she was back out

>on her own. The place where she was staying, the mom told her too, since my

>daughter didn't care about going to school, then

>she couldn't either. She had

>to get out. I had to make my daughter think I wasn't concerned anymore with

>her finishing school. I figured, if she didn't care they why was I busting a

>nut to make sure she finished? It took a lot of changing for me, I was a

>MAJOR enabler. Thinking too much with my

>heart. Fearing the worst. It won't

>happen. You would be surprised at the resources

>they find when they have to.

>Key is getting their thinking process straightened out. Lots of serotonin I

>say. Get the old brain chemicals back in balance. The moment I sat her down

>with contract, all was changed. She never missed another day of school, and

>tearfully, graduated with her class. She

>(finally) has one steady b/f and has

>been working ever since. Hashing around taking

>courses at the local college, but

>I'm not pushing! She's doing well.

>

>My daughter is a true success story. I've got my little girl back. Even

>yesterday she said, I'm back and better than

>ever! She's such a joy, and like

>yours, an extremely artistic talent.

>Sometimes I can't believe what she puts down on paper from her head. She's

>awesome.

>Besides beautiful, funny, loving. I am truly blessed to have her back.

>

>Get yourself some books, Co-Dependent No More is a good one. It helps your

>wife to know, too, how supportive you sound like you can truly be. It's very

>hard trying to change, it sometimes seems easier just to blow and rage back.

>But it never works. My daughter once in while brings up the things my hubby

>would say to her, mean things. Words hurt.

>She would ask why he had to say that, it's harder for me to try to explain to

>her why, I don't know. No patience, whatever. So, if for nothing else, it

>will help your wife down the road if she doesn't have to explain to her

>daughter how mad you got! Hope all this helps you some, glad to meet you!

>

>DebbieL

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

And guess what? No matter how close to perfect you

get, it will never be good enough, so please, by all

means don't demand it of yourself. These days I've

decided that I'm going to get into trouble no matter

what, so people can just live with my imperfections.

The idea that your step-d blamed you and your wife for

mourning your lost baby (and ignoring her?! as if

that were possible...) is what really makes my blood

boil.

Hang in there!

Deborah

>Practice, practice, practice

> still does not make perfect just better. My wife,

> who has suffered through this longer than I, is

> by and large pretty good at putting her daughter

> on extinction, however my step daughter then just

> switches her focus from mom to either myself or

> her brother. Depending upon circumstances either

> one of us may react poorly or correctly. However

> it has always been inconsistent.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Deborah,

" And guess what? No matter how close to perfect you

get, it will never be good enough, so please, by all

means don't demand it of yourself. These days I've

decided that I'm going to get into trouble no matter

what, so people can just live with my imperfections. "

Thank you for that validation. You're right there

is no winning, there is no perfect enough with

her. My step daughter was totally out of control

during the pregnancy and was worse after the

death of my son. She used him to get mostly at

her mom. She said one or two nasty things to me

about my dead son which still stick in my crawl

but I had to forgive her for those comments. That

kind of anger was tearing away at me so the

forgiveness was nor for her. It sounds like you

have had a plenty of experience.

Dan

At 12:46 AM 4/19/2006, you wrote:

>And guess what? No matter how close to perfect you

>get, it will never be good enough, so please, by all

>means don't demand it of yourself. These days I've

>decided that I'm going to get into trouble no matter

>what, so people can just live with my imperfections.

>

>The idea that your step-d blamed you and your wife for

>mourning your lost baby (and ignoring her?! as if

>that were possible...) is what really makes my blood

>boil.

>

>Hang in there!

>

>Deborah

>

> >Practice, practice, practice

> > still does not make perfect just better. My wife,

> > who has suffered through this longer than I, is

> > by and large pretty good at putting her daughter

> > on extinction, however my step daughter then just

> > switches her focus from mom to either myself or

> > her brother. Depending upon circumstances either

> > one of us may react poorly or correctly. However

> > it has always been inconsistent.

>

>

>__________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Dan, what a thoughtful sensitive man you are. If only I had a husband that

could see that the pain that I was in with my daughter. He could only see

anger at her behavior. Your wife is very lucky to have you. It takes alot of

hard work to not react, I have been getting advice from these wonderful people

for over a year and I still have my moments. The thing is, after a while you

catch yourself. alot of self talk helps. Welcome to the group.

dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote: Debbie,

Thank you for a very thoughtful reply and the

hope contained within. Yes, my stepdaughter has

told me from time to time that she does love me

and I do feel and see the good in her. I have

been there so many times for her that when she

says she hates me and that I am worthless it

really hurts. Yes, words do hurt. My step

daughter has said terrible things to me and about

me and they hurt. Funny, never have I said a

hurtful word to her unprovoked. The consequences

to her behavior are that when she attacks,

unskilled people like myself, tend to attack

back. She has also asked her mom why I have said

the things I have and my wife, to her credit,

points out that it is a consequence of the attacking behavior.

One of the most difficult things has been being

there for my wife. Sometimes when I get angry

towards my step daughter I vent to my wife or

worse I look to my wife to make it stop and she

can't make it stop. I know now, that my step

daughter engages in splitting behavior, so I am

better informed with how to respond, at least to

my wife. It is painful watching my wife go

through so much pain. I can not imagine what it

is for her to see her child, her once loving baby

girl, turn into such, for lack of a better word,

monster. It is hard on her and so I try to set

aside my stuff so I can be there for her. Though

sometimes, especially now that I am seriously

underemployed, it is hard to even be there for

myself. Prayer, meditation, support all work but

it has to be a sustained effort which sometimes I fail to do.

I belong to a lot of list serves but this one I

will be keeping an eye on and read and respond as

often as I can. Your story is very encouraging

and I look forward to reading your posts in the future.

Peace,

Dan

At 09:13 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

>In a message dated 4/17/2006 3:55:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,

>dankmitta@... writes:

>How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

>you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

>get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

>do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

>what you do not want to think about the child?

>Hello there and Welcome! You have come to the right place, lots of hugs and

>support and advice here. I have a daughter, 19 now and she's well. But not

>after five years of utter chaos, nothing short of what you are going through

>now. Yes, we have been where you are.

>She is my daughter, and stepdaughter to my new husband of 4 years too. We

>have similar situations. Much harder for him to

>understand and keep quiet. She

>would get his goat as yours does you. You probably have a harder time not

>raging back than your wife does. I'm easier than my husband. It took a long

>time, but I learned how to change myself, change my REACTIONS to her ACTIONS,

>and then they would stop and soon thereafter, cease.

>I had to learn to think with my head and not my heart. Hopefully you can be

>a supportive spouse to your wife in the dealings with her daughter. This is

>so monumental in helping deal with the child.

>

>You are right in stating that once her behavior is realized by her

>grandparents, that she will be right back with

>you. They are too old to be dealing with

>these issues, let alone dealing with a child with none. And, you state she

>will be 18 in two months? You should be jumping

>for joy. I couldn't wait for

>mine to turn 18. The minute she did, I booted her out.

>I let her back, booted her out again. She wasn't getting up and going to

>school, laying around all day, not working, doing nothing. In jeopardy of

>failing her last year of school.

>

>The second time I let her back, I drew up a written contract, sat her down.

>I became another person. I had to stop being

>her mother for a time, treat her

>as if she were someone else's daughter. We had a long one on one. I set

>boundaries, we read the rules and the

>consequences of breaking those rules. I

>told her she had one shot at making this

>work. If she blew it, she was back out

>on her own. The place where she was staying, the mom told her too, since my

>daughter didn't care about going to school, then

>she couldn't either. She had

>to get out. I had to make my daughter think I wasn't concerned anymore with

>her finishing school. I figured, if she didn't care they why was I busting a

>nut to make sure she finished? It took a lot of changing for me, I was a

>MAJOR enabler. Thinking too much with my

>heart. Fearing the worst. It won't

>happen. You would be surprised at the resources

>they find when they have to.

>Key is getting their thinking process straightened out. Lots of serotonin I

>say. Get the old brain chemicals back in balance. The moment I sat her down

>with contract, all was changed. She never missed another day of school, and

>tearfully, graduated with her class. She

>(finally) has one steady b/f and has

>been working ever since. Hashing around taking

>courses at the local college, but

>I'm not pushing! She's doing well.

>

>My daughter is a true success story. I've got my little girl back. Even

>yesterday she said, I'm back and better than

>ever! She's such a joy, and like

>yours, an extremely artistic talent.

>Sometimes I can't believe what she puts down on paper from her head. She's

>awesome.

>Besides beautiful, funny, loving. I am truly blessed to have her back.

>

>Get yourself some books, Co-Dependent No More is a good one. It helps your

>wife to know, too, how supportive you sound like you can truly be. It's very

>hard trying to change, it sometimes seems easier just to blow and rage back.

>But it never works. My daughter once in while brings up the things my hubby

>would say to her, mean things. Words hurt.

>She would ask why he had to say that, it's harder for me to try to explain to

>her why, I don't know. No patience, whatever. So, if for nothing else, it

>will help your wife down the road if she doesn't have to explain to her

>daughter how mad you got! Hope all this helps you some, glad to meet you!

>

>DebbieL

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you. You have no idea on the timeliness of

your note. Thank you. What do you say to yourself

when you self talk? Usually I tell my self what

an idiot I am for going there in the first place.

Tips on what to say to your self to help, rather than hurt, are welcome.

Dan

At 09:01 AM 4/19/2006, you wrote:

>Hi Dan, what a thoughtful sensitive man you

>are. If only I had a husband that could see

>that the pain that I was in with

>my daughter. He could only see anger at her

>behavior. Your wife is very lucky to have

>you. It takes alot of hard work to not react,

>I have been getting advice from these wonderful

>people for over a year and I still have my

>moments. The thing is, after a while you catch

>yourself. alot of self talk helps. Welcome to the group.

>

>

>dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote: Debbie,

>

> Thank you for a very thoughtful reply and the

> hope contained within. Yes, my stepdaughter has

> told me from time to time that she does love me

> and I do feel and see the good in her. I have

> been there so many times for her that when she

> says she hates me and that I am worthless it

> really hurts. Yes, words do hurt. My step

> daughter has said terrible things to me and about

> me and they hurt. Funny, never have I said a

> hurtful word to her unprovoked. The consequences

> to her behavior are that when she attacks,

> unskilled people like myself, tend to attack

> back. She has also asked her mom why I have said

> the things I have and my wife, to her credit,

> points out that it is a consequence of the attacking behavior.

> One of the most difficult things has been being

> there for my wife. Sometimes when I get angry

> towards my step daughter I vent to my wife or

> worse I look to my wife to make it stop and she

> can't make it stop. I know now, that my step

> daughter engages in splitting behavior, so I am

> better informed with how to respond, at least to

> my wife. It is painful watching my wife go

> through so much pain. I can not imagine what it

> is for her to see her child, her once loving baby

> girl, turn into such, for lack of a better word,

> monster. It is hard on her and so I try to set

> aside my stuff so I can be there for her. Though

> sometimes, especially now that I am seriously

> underemployed, it is hard to even be there for

> myself. Prayer, meditation, support all work but

> it has to be a sustained effort which sometimes I fail to do.

> I belong to a lot of list serves but this one I

> will be keeping an eye on and read and respond as

> often as I can. Your story is very encouraging

> and I look forward to reading your posts in the future.

>

> Peace,

>

> Dan

>

>

> At 09:13 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

> >In a message dated 4/17/2006 3:55:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> >dankmitta@... writes:

> >How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

> >you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

> >get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

> >do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

> >what you do not want to think about the child?

> >Hello there and Welcome! You have come to

> the right place, lots of hugs and

> >support and advice here. I have a daughter,

> 19 now and she's well. But not

> >after five years of utter chaos, nothing

> short of what you are going through

> >now. Yes, we have been where you are.

> >She is my daughter, and stepdaughter to my new husband of 4 years too. We

> >have similar situations. Much harder for him to

> >understand and keep quiet. She

> >would get his goat as yours does you. You probably have a harder time not

> >raging back than your wife does. I'm easier

> than my husband. It took a long

> >time, but I learned how to change myself,

> change my REACTIONS to her ACTIONS,

> >and then they would stop and soon thereafter, cease.

> >I had to learn to think with my head and not

> my heart. Hopefully you can be

> >a supportive spouse to your wife in the

> dealings with her daughter. This is

> >so monumental in helping deal with the child.

> >

> >You are right in stating that once her behavior is realized by her

> >grandparents, that she will be right back with

> >you. They are too old to be dealing with

> >these issues, let alone dealing with a child

> with none. And, you state she

> >will be 18 in two months? You should be jumping

> >for joy. I couldn't wait for

> >mine to turn 18. The minute she did, I booted her out.

> >I let her back, booted her out again. She wasn't getting up and going to

> >school, laying around all day, not working, doing nothing. In jeopardy of

> >failing her last year of school.

> >

> >The second time I let her back, I drew up a

> written contract, sat her down.

> >I became another person. I had to stop being

> >her mother for a time, treat her

> >as if she were someone else's daughter. We had a long one on one. I set

> >boundaries, we read the rules and the

> >consequences of breaking those rules. I

> >told her she had one shot at making this

> >work. If she blew it, she was back out

> >on her own. The place where she was

> staying, the mom told her too, since my

> >daughter didn't care about going to school, then

> >she couldn't either. She had

> >to get out. I had to make my daughter think

> I wasn't concerned anymore with

> >her finishing school. I figured, if she

> didn't care they why was I busting a

> >nut to make sure she finished? It took a lot of changing for me, I was a

> >MAJOR enabler. Thinking too much with my

> >heart. Fearing the worst. It won't

> >happen. You would be surprised at the resources

> >they find when they have to.

> >Key is getting their thinking process

> straightened out. Lots of serotonin I

> >say. Get the old brain chemicals back in

> balance. The moment I sat her down

> >with contract, all was changed. She never

> missed another day of school, and

> >tearfully, graduated with her class. She

> >(finally) has one steady b/f and has

> >been working ever since. Hashing around taking

> >courses at the local college, but

> >I'm not pushing! She's doing well.

> >

> >My daughter is a true success story. I've got my little girl back. Even

> >yesterday she said, I'm back and better than

> >ever! She's such a joy, and like

> >yours, an extremely artistic talent.

> >Sometimes I can't believe what she puts down

> on paper from her head. She's

> >awesome.

> >Besides beautiful, funny, loving. I am truly blessed to have her back.

> >

> >Get yourself some books, Co-Dependent No More is a good one. It helps your

> >wife to know, too, how supportive you sound

> like you can truly be. It's very

> >hard trying to change, it sometimes seems

> easier just to blow and rage back.

> >But it never works. My daughter once

> in while brings up the things my hubby

> >would say to her, mean things. Words hurt.

> >She would ask why he had to say that, it's

> harder for me to try to explain to

> >her why, I don't know. No patience,

> whatever. So, if for nothing else, it

> >will help your wife down the road if she doesn't have to explain to her

> >daughter how mad you got! Hope all this helps you some, glad to meet you!

> >

> >DebbieL

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Dan,

I've lived with my mother-in-law for 23 years. She is

the queen of the barbed compliment and a master of

undermining. I was too young to realize that she had

no intention of taking any responsibillity for things

she said, and I was guilt ridden by all the anger I

felt towards her. I was raised to respect my parents.

She didn't want respect, she wanted her son and I to

look after her and let her be the spoiled child, but

she also wanted to be able to care for our daughters

(which I kept to a minimum, but we live together

--long story) with no regard to how we felt about

anything (makes me queasy to think about it, so that's

enough). ANYWAY! When I started " self-talking, " I

told myself over and over that I had a right to be

angry about what she said or did. It wasn't fair, it

wasn't right. When I was finally able to forgive

myself for the anger, I actually stopped remembering

every single thing she said or did, which was good for

her, too, I imagine. Eventually my husband and I

learned to " spell " each other when we got mad. " OK,

dear, time to give up. You're going to hurt

yourself... "

You can call yourself an idiot, but follow that up

with a few kind words at your well-meaning attempts to

deal with a difficult situation. I also hope that you

allow yourself to mourn for your son. Don't let your

step-d get in the way of that.

Deborah

--- dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote:

> ,

>

> Thank you. You have no idea on the timeliness of

> your note. Thank you. What do you say to yourself

> when you self talk? Usually I tell my self what

> an idiot I am for going there in the first place.

> Tips on what to say to your self to help, rather

> than hurt, are welcome.

>

> Dan

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I tend to have a " mantra " , don't go there or don't take it personally, and

sometimes it's a trap. It really helps me de-escalate. I do it all the time,

and find myself doing it not only when my daughter is pushing me but in the

store when I'm frustrated with BPD wanna-be clerks! Glad to help.

dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote: ,

Thank you. You have no idea on the timeliness of

your note. Thank you. What do you say to yourself

when you self talk? Usually I tell my self what

an idiot I am for going there in the first place.

Tips on what to say to your self to help, rather than hurt, are welcome.

Dan

At 09:01 AM 4/19/2006, you wrote:

>Hi Dan, what a thoughtful sensitive man you

>are. If only I had a husband that could see

>that the pain that I was in with

>my daughter. He could only see anger at her

>behavior. Your wife is very lucky to have

>you. It takes alot of hard work to not react,

>I have been getting advice from these wonderful

>people for over a year and I still have my

>moments. The thing is, after a while you catch

>yourself. alot of self talk helps. Welcome to the group.

>

>

>dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote: Debbie,

>

> Thank you for a very thoughtful reply and the

> hope contained within. Yes, my stepdaughter has

> told me from time to time that she does love me

> and I do feel and see the good in her. I have

> been there so many times for her that when she

> says she hates me and that I am worthless it

> really hurts. Yes, words do hurt. My step

> daughter has said terrible things to me and about

> me and they hurt. Funny, never have I said a

> hurtful word to her unprovoked. The consequences

> to her behavior are that when she attacks,

> unskilled people like myself, tend to attack

> back. She has also asked her mom why I have said

> the things I have and my wife, to her credit,

> points out that it is a consequence of the attacking behavior.

> One of the most difficult things has been being

> there for my wife. Sometimes when I get angry

> towards my step daughter I vent to my wife or

> worse I look to my wife to make it stop and she

> can't make it stop. I know now, that my step

> daughter engages in splitting behavior, so I am

> better informed with how to respond, at least to

> my wife. It is painful watching my wife go

> through so much pain. I can not imagine what it

> is for her to see her child, her once loving baby

> girl, turn into such, for lack of a better word,

> monster. It is hard on her and so I try to set

> aside my stuff so I can be there for her. Though

> sometimes, especially now that I am seriously

> underemployed, it is hard to even be there for

> myself. Prayer, meditation, support all work but

> it has to be a sustained effort which sometimes I fail to do.

> I belong to a lot of list serves but this one I

> will be keeping an eye on and read and respond as

> often as I can. Your story is very encouraging

> and I look forward to reading your posts in the future.

>

> Peace,

>

> Dan

>

>

> At 09:13 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

> >In a message dated 4/17/2006 3:55:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> >dankmitta@... writes:

> >How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

> >you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

> >get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

> >do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

> >what you do not want to think about the child?

> >Hello there and Welcome! You have come to

> the right place, lots of hugs and

> >support and advice here. I have a daughter,

> 19 now and she's well. But not

> >after five years of utter chaos, nothing

> short of what you are going through

> >now. Yes, we have been where you are.

> >She is my daughter, and stepdaughter to my new husband of 4 years too.

We

> >have similar situations. Much harder for him to

> >understand and keep quiet. She

> >would get his goat as yours does you. You probably have a harder time

not

> >raging back than your wife does. I'm easier

> than my husband. It took a long

> >time, but I learned how to change myself,

> change my REACTIONS to her ACTIONS,

> >and then they would stop and soon thereafter, cease.

> >I had to learn to think with my head and not

> my heart. Hopefully you can be

> >a supportive spouse to your wife in the

> dealings with her daughter. This is

> >so monumental in helping deal with the child.

> >

> >You are right in stating that once her behavior is realized by her

> >grandparents, that she will be right back with

> >you. They are too old to be dealing with

> >these issues, let alone dealing with a child

> with none. And, you state she

> >will be 18 in two months? You should be jumping

> >for joy. I couldn't wait for

> >mine to turn 18. The minute she did, I booted her out.

> >I let her back, booted her out again. She wasn't getting up and going to

> >school, laying around all day, not working, doing nothing. In jeopardy

of

> >failing her last year of school.

> >

> >The second time I let her back, I drew up a

> written contract, sat her down.

> >I became another person. I had to stop being

> >her mother for a time, treat her

> >as if she were someone else's daughter. We had a long one on one. I set

> >boundaries, we read the rules and the

> >consequences of breaking those rules. I

> >told her she had one shot at making this

> >work. If she blew it, she was back out

> >on her own. The place where she was

> staying, the mom told her too, since my

> >daughter didn't care about going to school, then

> >she couldn't either. She had

> >to get out. I had to make my daughter think

> I wasn't concerned anymore with

> >her finishing school. I figured, if she

> didn't care they why was I busting a

> >nut to make sure she finished? It took a lot of changing for me, I was a

> >MAJOR enabler. Thinking too much with my

> >heart. Fearing the worst. It won't

> >happen. You would be surprised at the resources

> >they find when they have to.

> >Key is getting their thinking process

> straightened out. Lots of serotonin I

> >say. Get the old brain chemicals back in

> balance. The moment I sat her down

> >with contract, all was changed. She never

> missed another day of school, and

> >tearfully, graduated with her class. She

> >(finally) has one steady b/f and has

> >been working ever since. Hashing around taking

> >courses at the local college, but

> >I'm not pushing! She's doing well.

> >

> >My daughter is a true success story. I've got my little girl back. Even

> >yesterday she said, I'm back and better than

> >ever! She's such a joy, and like

> >yours, an extremely artistic talent.

> >Sometimes I can't believe what she puts down

> on paper from her head. She's

> >awesome.

> >Besides beautiful, funny, loving. I am truly blessed to have her back.

> >

> >Get yourself some books, Co-Dependent No More is a good one. It helps

your

> >wife to know, too, how supportive you sound

> like you can truly be. It's very

> >hard trying to change, it sometimes seems

> easier just to blow and rage back.

> >But it never works. My daughter once

> in while brings up the things my hubby

> >would say to her, mean things. Words hurt.

> >She would ask why he had to say that, it's

> harder for me to try to explain to

> >her why, I don't know. No patience,

> whatever. So, if for nothing else, it

> >will help your wife down the road if she doesn't have to explain to her

> >daughter how mad you got! Hope all this helps you some, glad to meet

you!

> >

> >DebbieL

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

I like that! A mantra that works under multiple conditions. Thanks again.

Dan

At 09:12 AM 4/20/2006, you wrote:

>I tend to have a " mantra " , don't go there or

>don't take it personally, and sometimes it's a

>trap. It really helps me de-escalate. I do it

>all the time, and find myself doing it not only

>when my daughter is pushing me but in the store

>when I'm frustrated with BPD wanna-be clerks! Glad to help.

>

>

>dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote: ,

>

> Thank you. You have no idea on the timeliness of

> your note. Thank you. What do you say to yourself

> when you self talk? Usually I tell my self what

> an idiot I am for going there in the first place.

> Tips on what to say to your self to help, rather than hurt, are welcome.

>

> Dan

>

>

>

> At 09:01 AM 4/19/2006, you wrote:

> >Hi Dan, what a thoughtful sensitive man you

> >are. If only I had a husband that could see

> >that the pain that I was in with

> >my daughter. He could only see anger at her

> >behavior. Your wife is very lucky to have

> >you. It takes alot of hard work to not react,

> >I have been getting advice from these wonderful

> >people for over a year and I still have my

> >moments. The thing is, after a while you catch

> >yourself. alot of self talk helps. Welcome to the group.

> >

> >

> >dan kmitta dankmitta@...> wrote: Debbie,

> >

> > Thank you for a very thoughtful reply and the

> > hope contained within. Yes, my stepdaughter has

> > told me from time to time that she does love me

> > and I do feel and see the good in her. I have

> > been there so many times for her that when she

> > says she hates me and that I am worthless it

> > really hurts. Yes, words do hurt. My step

> > daughter has said terrible things to me and about

> > me and they hurt. Funny, never have I said a

> > hurtful word to her unprovoked. The consequences

> > to her behavior are that when she attacks,

> > unskilled people like myself, tend to attack

> > back. She has also asked her mom why I have said

> > the things I have and my wife, to her credit,

> > points out that it is a consequence of the attacking behavior.

> > One of the most difficult things has been being

> > there for my wife. Sometimes when I get angry

> > towards my step daughter I vent to my wife or

> > worse I look to my wife to make it stop and she

> > can't make it stop. I know now, that my step

> > daughter engages in splitting behavior, so I am

> > better informed with how to respond, at least to

> > my wife. It is painful watching my wife go

> > through so much pain. I can not imagine what it

> > is for her to see her child, her once loving baby

> > girl, turn into such, for lack of a better word,

> > monster. It is hard on her and so I try to set

> > aside my stuff so I can be there for her. Though

> > sometimes, especially now that I am seriously

> > underemployed, it is hard to even be there for

> > myself. Prayer, meditation, support all work but

> > it has to be a sustained effort which sometimes I fail to do.

> > I belong to a lot of list serves but this one I

> > will be keeping an eye on and read and respond as

> > often as I can. Your story is very encouraging

> > and I look forward to reading your posts in the future.

> >

> > Peace,

> >

> > Dan

> >

> >

> > At 09:13 AM 4/18/2006, you wrote:

> > >In a message dated 4/17/2006 3:55:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> > >dankmitta@... writes:

> > >How many of you have experienced the same thing, no matter how hard

> > >you try, no matter how many times you say to yourself " I will not

> > >get dragged into this again " and then find yourself right where you

> > >do not want to be, saying what you do not want to say, or thinking

> > >what you do not want to think about the child?

> > >Hello there and Welcome! You have come to

> > the right place, lots of hugs and

> > >support and advice here. I have a daughter,

> > 19 now and she's well. But not

> > >after five years of utter chaos, nothing

> > short of what you are going through

> > >now. Yes, we have been where you are.

> > >She is my daughter, and stepdaughter to

> my new husband of 4 years too. We

> > >have similar situations. Much harder for him to

> > >understand and keep quiet. She

> > >would get his goat as yours does

> you. You probably have a harder time not

> > >raging back than your wife does. I'm easier

> > than my husband. It took a long

> > >time, but I learned how to change myself,

> > change my REACTIONS to her ACTIONS,

> > >and then they would stop and soon thereafter, cease.

> > >I had to learn to think with my head and not

> > my heart. Hopefully you can be

> > >a supportive spouse to your wife in the

> > dealings with her daughter. This is

> > >so monumental in helping deal with the child.

> > >

> > >You are right in stating that once her behavior is realized by her

> > >grandparents, that she will be right back with

> > >you. They are too old to be dealing with

> > >these issues, let alone dealing with a child

> > with none. And, you state she

> > >will be 18 in two months? You should be jumping

> > >for joy. I couldn't wait for

> > >mine to turn 18. The minute she did, I booted her out.

> > >I let her back, booted her out

> again. She wasn't getting up and going to

> > >school, laying around all day, not

> working, doing nothing. In jeopardy of

> > >failing her last year of school.

> > >

> > >The second time I let her back, I drew up a

> > written contract, sat her down.

> > >I became another person. I had to stop being

> > >her mother for a time, treat her

> > >as if she were someone else's

> daughter. We had a long one on one. I set

> > >boundaries, we read the rules and the

> > >consequences of breaking those rules. I

> > >told her she had one shot at making this

> > >work. If she blew it, she was back out

> > >on her own. The place where she was

> > staying, the mom told her too, since my

> > >daughter didn't care about going to school, then

> > >she couldn't either. She had

> > >to get out. I had to make my daughter think

> > I wasn't concerned anymore with

> > >her finishing school. I figured, if she

> > didn't care they why was I busting a

> > >nut to make sure she finished? It took

> a lot of changing for me, I was a

> > >MAJOR enabler. Thinking too much with my

> > >heart. Fearing the worst. It won't

> > >happen. You would be surprised at the resources

> > >they find when they have to.

> > >Key is getting their thinking process

> > straightened out. Lots of serotonin I

> > >say. Get the old brain chemicals back in

> > balance. The moment I sat her down

> > >with contract, all was changed. She never

> > missed another day of school, and

> > >tearfully, graduated with her class. She

> > >(finally) has one steady b/f and has

> > >been working ever since. Hashing around taking

> > >courses at the local college, but

> > >I'm not pushing! She's doing well.

> > >

> > >My daughter is a true success

> story. I've got my little girl back. Even

> > >yesterday she said, I'm back and better than

> > >ever! She's such a joy, and like

> > >yours, an extremely artistic talent.

> > >Sometimes I can't believe what she puts down

> > on paper from her head. She's

> > >awesome.

> > >Besides beautiful, funny, loving. I am

> truly blessed to have her back.

> > >

> > >Get yourself some books, Co-Dependent No

> More is a good one. It helps your

> > >wife to know, too, how supportive you sound

> > like you can truly be. It's very

> > >hard trying to change, it sometimes seems

> > easier just to blow and rage back.

> > >But it never works. My daughter once

> > in while brings up the things my hubby

> > >would say to her, mean things. Words hurt.

> > >She would ask why he had to say that, it's

> > harder for me to try to explain to

> > >her why, I don't know. No patience,

> > whatever. So, if for nothing else, it

> > >will help your wife down the road if she

> doesn't have to explain to her

> > >daughter how mad you got! Hope all this

> helps you some, glad to meet you!

> > >

> > >DebbieL

> > >

> > >

> > >