Re: Re: I am falling apart, I am alone, I need cremation and autopsy a...

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In a message dated 4/5/2004 11:05:33 PM Eastern Standard Time,

CDillardda@... writes:

Hi ,

I will call later. So much has happened so fast since Wednesday. I have my

good moments. My incisional hernia is killing me, I over did the cleaning I

suppose. Or it the worry activating my ulcer. What is happening is this? I

funneled all of my resources into Bill and his care for the last eight months.

So,

now I only have basic phone service. My Verizon DSL has been off. Also, I don't

have the enhancements of call waiting or answering machine. When AT&T Billing

for long distance called, I told them he was deceased could they wait a few

days. Bill's Mom brought some phone cards. She had to return to Atlantic City

because she has dialysis Tuesday. Then, this morning the ambulance service

called asking for their payment. I have had not time to look at the bills.

I supposed caring for him on my single SSD was too much but , marriage is

said to be for better or worse. Because of his illness he did help me. I have

FINALLY been identified. Perhaps they started to wonder why for 60+ days I could

not visit with him.

Bill died at 3:45 PM Wednesday, April 3, 2004. Alone in his bed on morphine

drip. I only thought to ask for an autopsy today so I have info for his VA

application and his SSD applications both which are still pending. Bill had been

asked for more info and could not supply it months and even for years since

1998. I want to document his illness especially the brain cancer since that may

explain his problems with these applications. His abilities were dropping but

we thought it was all the meds.

I was registered for Somerset County Office of Aging ... or name similar to

that. A comment was made about me being a special case since I was not yet 60.

Then, today they delivered me a new microwave and food. This was from the

Somerset food bank. Meals for the Elderly and/or handicapped. I suppose I was

identified that they have to bring the food here. This person seems to be some

type of social worker. He called that he was coming. Brought over a

microwave and set it up completely, including clearing the area to put and

offered to clear out my fridge.

Then I have the regular meals on wheels and a microwave with 14 dinner meals.

It is a shock, a good one, but what if Bill had better food these last few

months. But, no one listened. Now I am presented with: Our government provides a

plot and I have options as to how I use it or decide to cremate. I can have

him sent straight from the hospital to be cremated. That means I will not see

him. Unless I got to the morgue and I am told he is frozen.

Or, he can be sent to the funeral home, they do him, we wake, they cremate

and then send the urn to the plot or give it to me.

My biggest concern is that I need to see him. I suppose. I am running short

of time. But I did already request the autopsy. When it comes to family it was

only Bill and I and his disabled Mom. So. I need to get off line and see what

she thinks. Caro.

Hi Love

I forgot to put this in the last email. I think you need to listen to what's

in your heart & in exactly what you said. You need to see him.

+++++++++++

It shouldn't matter that an autopsy was done & what condition he was/is in.

You know he's not going to look exactly as he did 10 years ago & remember, you

haven't seen him in a while. All due respect to his Mom.... You should be in

touch with her. But, perhaps you can listen to what she has to say & respect

the fact that he was her son, but in the end, he was your husband. And

whatever she says, just tell her " Thank you " for all of her input and then just

do

whatever is easiest for you! If you want to chat about it, you can call me

for a minute and I'll call you back, in case it's long distance. And then you

can talk your heart out & we'll go through your options & then you can make the

best decision for you! Honestly, you are the one who is going to have to

make the decisions and deal with it all, but I will gladly help you with

whatever

I can.

+++++++++++

You'll celebrate his life, especially the one you had together & you know

that he would want you to do whatever makes life easiest for you now. And then

do what you need to & whatever that is, you can then just speak to your MIL and

tell her that due to his untimely passing & your short notice @ exactly what

wrong with him medically, your finances, the hospital's policies & the things

given to you by the government, that whatever you decide to do, is exactly

what you had to do & that's it. I'm sure it will, in fact all be quite simple.

I doubt that you will have too many options & in a way, that will make it

simpler for you. And that way you've given your MIL the respect of listening &

accepting her input, but will be taking away any misgivings she or you may have

about what you wind up having to do. But yes, you are running out of time &

if I can help you get things moving, I'll be more than happy to.

+++++++++++

I wish I could just hop in my car & drive over whenever you need me to, but

as you may recall, though I don't know how you possibly could, but I had an

ankle fusion almost exactly a year ago & now it is completely non fused. So

basically, among other things, I'm walking around on a broken ankle. And next

week I will be going to Fla. to my parents, as my dad is having cataract

surgery.

And I will be seeing 2 Dr's before I go & I'm sure will have to schedule

surgery again.

+++++++++++

Just remember to do what Bill would want you to do. And if you need to have

a wake & see him, they do amazing things & he will look fine & that may make

you feel better. But let's talk, I'll be happy to call you back. I should be

home all day tomorrow & probably the next day too, as I cooked for 2 days

straight for the Passover holiday, so I haven't been too far away from my bed or

the couch!

Will wait to hear from you, Be well, feel good & know that Bill is in no pain

& I'm sure in a better place. Love,

.