Miserable is around the corner.

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I know this " bland " empty feeling will not last. I am misery waiting to

happen. As I go through Bills belongings alone. It feels weird. I rearrange his

things knowing I have to. So, I am soooooo conscious that I am alone in the

world. Well, I am a new Widow. I suppose they even got support groups for that.

It

is just that my mind seems to blur the fact that I knew this was going to

happen. It feels bad that I could do nothing to stop it. Perhaps I feel this way

because no one, to my knowledge died of cancer. We go out with heart attacks &

strokes and/or linger in homes.

Because of all of this I am very conscious of my own mortality. I am more

conscious of my health ... like I needed that. I am very pleased to be receiving

services for the elderly five years early. When they told me they made special

exception, that was nice. Someone must had looked at my health folder.

I am alone with only a meals on wheels driver checking that he is delivering

food to a live person. A few friends do call. My MIL is doing much to help me

feel better. I was concerned about her climbing stairs when she was here. But

she reminded me, about her knee replacement months ago. That she will get

better. That the knee takes a year to heal.

That was good pep talk. I needed that. I have not thought of GETTING BETTER

for years now. That is a great attitude to have at her age. So I do need to get

better. I think in the last two years finally getting a name to all the

strange things that ailed me for fifty some years was depressing. Bill went

through

his illness from A - Z so it is just me now and I must TRY to get better.

Sick humor alert: I will paste a sign to my forehead saying I am NOT as healthy

as I look and I am NOT as sick as my BP numbers say. There, that puts me in the

range of being human.

I am tired of going to specialists that do not know what to do with me. The

always do the same thing. Get upset over my BP, give me a bunch of tests and

conclude there is nothing wrong with me ... that they can see. Excuse Me :-O? My

skin is what is wrong with me. Stretchy blood vessels. Gotta stop. I had

early morning awakening I suppose. I feel a little sleepy and will go nap soon.

When my specialist told me April 2nd that I am not have daily TIA Lacuna

strokes, it still did not fix my memory problems. It seems with ANS involvement

everything has balanced out. Then you add me not feeling things correctly and

healing too fast. Even I do not know what to make of me.

I now plan to slowly exercise and get some muscle tone back. Changing the

apartment back to one person should do that. I have such a clutter of books, old

computer equipment and " stuff. " With the Social worker vouching my back rent,

[not confirmed yet] I should slowly get back on my feet.

Next on the list is maybe I can get rent assistance or else the plan is to

move to be near relatives. And that means Ft. Lauderdale Florida or Orlando.

That will take a while of course. Meanwhile, my MIL wants me to stay with her

for

some weeks and then she will stay with me for a time. Company will be good.

We can both cry our eyes out and feel better eventually. Plus, she indicates

she has renewed interest in me building her a PC :-). Caro.

[Guest guest]

Hi Caro,

What you are going t hrough is a process that can't be hurried along. I'm

talking about the grief process... I know you are going through lots of other

things now too but it is important to " make the time " or take the time for the

grieving also. I watched a friend/collegue go thru it all when her husband died

of cancer after a bone marrow transplant. She did find comfort in a group for

recently widowed spoused.

Be kind to yourself right now. I know it must be incredibly hard with so many

things you are trying to live with.

[Guest guest]

Hi Caro,

What you are going t hrough is a process that can't be hurried along. I'm

talking about the grief process... I know you are going through lots of other

things now too but it is important to " make the time " or take the time for the

grieving also. I watched a friend/collegue go thru it all when her husband died

of cancer after a bone marrow transplant. She did find comfort in a group for

recently widowed spoused.

Be kind to yourself right now. I know it must be incredibly hard with so many

things you are trying to live with.

[Guest guest]

Hi Caro,

What you are going t hrough is a process that can't be hurried along. I'm

talking about the grief process... I know you are going through lots of other

things now too but it is important to " make the time " or take the time for the

grieving also. I watched a friend/collegue go thru it all when her husband died

of cancer after a bone marrow transplant. She did find comfort in a group for

recently widowed spoused.

Be kind to yourself right now. I know it must be incredibly hard with so many

things you are trying to live with.