Feeling really lost, dont know what to do

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone

I apologize in advance because this is going to be a very bitter and

whiny post. Things just really havent been going well lately and

this morning seemed to greatly highlight this fact. Here is a basic

rundown of what has been happening physically, emotionally and

mentally.

First, I feel like no one is taking the fact that i really dont feel

well seriously. I am so tired all the time because i cant sleep, can

barely make it through even half of my classes in a week (I do keep

up with readings and lecture notes however so im not falling too far

behind). I just get the feeling that most of my friends are under

the assumption that i am greatly exagerating what i am going

through. i have a few friends who are dealing with some joint

problems as well yet they make it to all their classes and everything

else. I mean i know they arent true friends if they dont believe the

truths that i am telling but the hard part is this: I tell them how i

feel i am considered whining and complaining, i dont tell them how i

feel then when i am not feeling well i am exagerating my problems.

How do you find the balance??

Second, I had a really rough weekend. I decided to go home for the

weekend as no one was going to be around in my 'school town' and i

really didnt feel like being alone. So i went home on friday

afternoon. My car decided to act up friday just before i went home

so i figured it was a good idea to go home because then my dad could

fix it for me (he aggreed, i wouldnt have made the trip without his

permission). So, right now i have no vehicle as it is still atmy

parents house and has to get a new head gasket put on. I also dont

know when i will be able to get home to pick it up and this being the

last few weeks of class its really not a good time. Also this

weekend, my brother was supposed to come home to see his son (first

time he would have seen him since christmas, my parents have full

custody of him as neither of his parents are fit to raise him). Well

my brother never showed up all weekend and sent a message to my

parents on sunday that he has rechecked himself into a drug rehab

center (he has been in and out of treatment centers for about 10

years or so). Even though i dont really consider him 'family'

anymore (for many reasons), this is still really hard to get around

yet again. I think this is because my parents now have enough issues

with my brother and nephew, I hate to bother them with any of my

problems as I have always been viewed as the 'strong' one. Also its

very hard to comprehend the fact that i probably need to be on some

of the 'drugs' that my brother misuses and gets into trouble with.

r, my nephew, is also a big concern to me right now. Since my

parents have full-custody of him, this means that one day it will

almost likely be my job to raise him. I will gladly take on this

role as I love the little guy and am very close to him, however i

dont know if i will physically be able to do it. Looking at how my

life and certain health situations are right now, I honestly dont

think i can. i dont have the energy to deal with a 2 year old for

even a weekend, let alone the rest of his life.

Third, School sucks! I have always loved school and thouroughly

enjoyed my classes but lately i find myself just not caring. With

the switching of all the different medications and what not

throughout this semester, my marks have suffered. I am still passing

my courses and will come out with my Honours B.Sc. but my marks this

term are no where near i would like them to be. I find myself

majorly procrastinating myhomework assignments and only doing them to

the minimal acceptable level. This is so not me and is very scarey.

Finally, I had the follow up with my pain doctor this morning. Just

as a recap here is what i have tried so far: Neurontin (both 200mg

adn 400mg daily) and amtriptyline (20mg daily) which stopped doing

anything about 2 months after starting them. Then i was switched to

mexiltine (400mg and 200mg daily) which gave me really bad

headaches. I have also tried normal pain killers like T1's, T3's and

percocet but the T1's and T3's provide almost no relief and the

percocet does provide some relief but not complete and leaves me

pretty useless. Well after waiting for about an hour to get into see

him, he comes in and declares that medications are not the way for me

to go and i have to be put on a structured and monitored

strengthening program. according to him i have to learn my limits

and work within them setting attainable goals. He makes it sound

like exercise is just going to magically cure my pain. I tried to

explain that i have been in and out of physio programs for the past 8

years and generally come out worse from them then when i went in. He

still wants me to work with his nurse and him and set up a regime.

Of course the nurse wasnt there so i have to go back in 3 weeks when

she will be there. I am usually a very open person to suggestions

but to me this just doesnt seem like a very realistic plan. I asked

if there was anything else i could do in the meantime but he said he

can do nothing else for me until we try the exercise program. I

completly feel like i have been brushed off by yet another medical

professional. I originally liked this guy, but after this

appointment I am really not sure, I felt rushed and dismissed. And

even though I am not to found on the idea of medicated life, its

something i am dealing with that is probably going to be a reality,

now i have nothing. I cant sleep and hurt so much and just nothing

is getting better. I am wondering if it is even worth it going back

to him.

Well I have a second appointment today with my gp on campus to

discuss the celexa dosage and really dont know what to do about this

either. I know it is working but it leaves me feeling like i cant

focus on issues for longer than like 10 minutes. I mean how can i

deal with all the issues in my life if i cant concentrate on them?

Also should I bring up how the pain doctor visit went? Well I be

getting in trouble if she decides on a path to take? I honestly just

feel so lost and with friends not having faith in me and my parents

going through so much already I dont even know where to turn anymore.

Again I apologize for this post, it was all just something i had to

get off my chest.

stacey