RE Daughter assaulted **warning Long*

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

A lot of people gave some great advice about rape crisis centers,

councelling, and pursuing things legally, at lot of police departments also

have victim services units that can help you find the right people for you

and your daughter. I was molested for a year when I was 7 too, I never

told until I had a nervous breakdown in my 20's. My mom at the time was

going through a divorce from from my dad and she knew something was wrong

with me but she thought it was about the divorce not being molested. I was

in councelling right away but i refused to talk to this councelor about

anything even the divorce. I felt I couldn't tell because i was molested by

a female and i remember that was the first time that i realized i was gay;

i couldn't tell my mom at 7 that i had been molested and i knew i was gay on

top of her trying to rebuild our life coming from years of alcoholic chaos.

I think my advice to you as a mom would be to make sure your daughter knows

you are with her in all of this and that no matter what she can talk to you

about her feelings and things that happened. She may not talk to you about

it but knowing that she can is a huge thing. If she does talk to you about

it try to keep your emotions in check; I know it will be very hard to do,

cry with her, but don't show her your rage at what was done to her. If you

do lose your cool, explain to her that your anger is not at her but at what

happened to her and that you couldn't have stopped it from happening to her

at all. Put the blame where it belongs with the Violator.

I think my next peice of advice someone else touched on. While your

daughter is in councelling, she will be told over and over that it's not her

fault... but you as a Mom need to know it's not your fault either. There is

no way you could have predicted that this would happen to her, and if

anything you might want to hang onto the fact that you have given your

daughter enough sence of self and trust in you to know that she could tell

and be safe. No matter what her perp told her or threatened her with to

attempt to keep her quiet (violators will always threaten with something

horrible if the victim tells).

When I finally did tell my Mom was very hurt, very scared, and very much in

denial. She told me that i was lying and that i was just trying to blame

all my problems on that (at the time i was dealing with the murder of my

first real girlfriend, someone attempting to kill me, the molestation,

trying to come out and the rest of my chaotic childhood). Until my sister

spoke up, she told my mom the same person tried to do the same thing to her

but she punched her and gave her a bloody nose. My Mom started to believe

me then and understand I was trying to say I was sorry for blaming her for

not knowing all through my teenage years of running away, getting in trouble

and all the other stuff that i was acting out with.

My Dad on the other hand couldn't have been better, I called him and told

him about all of the things that were going on. He cried with me, he raged

with me, he consoled me, and he told me that it would all be all right. My

Dad became my best friend through all of this and I gave you advice from

what my Dad did with me. When my Dad died and we were going through his

things, i found dozens of books on all of the things that i had delt with

him about with notes all the way through the books on how to help me in any

way that he could. I still have all of those books and all of his notes

when i look at them i can feel my Dad with me and I feel strong enough to

deal with anything.

There was a book that helped me a lot to go through all of my memories, it

is called " The Courage to Heal " , it's geared towards adult survivors but

there is a lot of information in there to help the family understand what is

going on inside of your daugter.

If you would like to talk more feel free to email me. I hope that your

family with time, guidence and courage you will all become survivors not

victims.

My thoughts are with you, your daughter and your family,

_________________________________________________________________

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