snow survival

[Guest guest]

Wow!

It all sounds so frightening! Good advice! Thanks for thinking of the snow

folks.

From:

cheesyflasouvenir

Sent: Tuesday, March 16, 2004 1:05

PM

To: LUPIES

Subject: Gloria's column

from a few years back

Fellow Lupies,

Here's a column I wrote a couple years ago when we

were having a

winter here in w. NY like we're having this

year. Thought some of

you could relate. If you're fortunate enough

to live somewhere

warm...I don't wanna hear about it!

Gloria

Recently I picked up a

swell book on the subject of winter

survival. Living in rural western New York I figured

eventually I

would need it. Many of the tips below were

taken from this book.

Many more I made up. You'll probably have no

trouble telling the

difference. I call it the

WINTER SURVIVAL AND

HUNKERING DOWN MANUAL

1. Water

The first thing to

go at our house when the snow piles up for

days and refuses to melt is our water. Only

twenty feet deep, our

well was hand dug at the turn of the

century. I've actually

found

spider webs in there in February. Nice, dry

spider webs.

So what to do? Well first, of course, the

" two for one " rule

immediately goes into effect in the flushing

department. Enough said

about that.

Next, metal pails

of snow can easily be melted on a wood

stove or kerosene heater. And, according to

the aforementioned swell

book, in extreme emergencies one can obtain water

by squeezing the

body fluids from a fish. (I'm not kidding

here, it really says

that.)

2. Outdoor Travel

Each winter,

countless poor souls are lost in blinding

snowstorms while taking out the garbage (not

kidding again). Each

winter, my poor husband makes harrowing trips to

the barn to refuel

the kerosene heaters. Conceivably, this

could be a tragic situation

should a nasty nor'Easter blow in and take him

unawares on his

journey through the savage elements of our

backyard. The swell book

strongly suggests one be prepared for such a turn

of events by

following these simple yet life-saving

instructions when traveling to

barn, garbage can or mail box:

1. Don't travel alone. (Sorry honey, you're

on your own.

Remember,

I'm from Florida.)

2. Inform local emergency personnel of your

journey. ( " Hello

sheriff`s office? I'm going to the barn

now " .)

3. Pack a survival kit. (Shredded newspaper,

Neosporin to be applied

after you fight off the feral cat that's been

sleeping on your

workbench since November, snowshoes, or in my case

1970's moon

boots,

dog biscuits for the neighbor's hound Zorro the

Wonderdog, who so

far, hasn't thought much of those St. Bernard

lessons, waterproof

matches and lighter fluid)

4. Don't panic. If you become disoriented,

stop. Try to

determine

your location. Even in a blinding snowstorm,

so says the swell book,

there will be many clues. (Tripped over iron

handle protruding from

ground: " ah yes, I'm near the septic

tank " , or, wracking

pain to the

forehead: " right, the rake my spouse left on

the sidewalk in

October. " )

5. Devise a signal. Smoke and fire (hah! you

thought bringing

matches and lighter fluid was dumb) are highly

visible and will be

investigated immediately if you hear an airplane

overhead. Don't

forget to step back and avert your eyes. If

all else fails, stomp

out the letters S O S in the snow, fill in the

letters with the

shredded newspaper and set it afire. (Admit it,

you thought the

newspaper was dumb, too