Gloria's column from a few years back

[Guest guest]

Fellow Lupies,

Here's a column I wrote a couple years ago when we were having a

winter here in w. NY like we're having this year. Thought some of

you could relate. If you're fortunate enough to live somewhere

warm...I don't wanna hear about it!

Gloria

Recently I picked up a swell book on the subject of winter

survival. Living in rural western New York I figured eventually I

would need it. Many of the tips below were taken from this book.

Many more I made up. You'll probably have no trouble telling the

difference. I call it the

WINTER SURVIVAL AND HUNKERING DOWN MANUAL

1. Water

The first thing to go at our house when the snow piles up for

days and refuses to melt is our water. Only twenty feet deep, our

well was hand dug at the turn of the century. I've actually

found

spider webs in there in February. Nice, dry spider webs.

So what to do? Well first, of course, the " two for one " rule

immediately goes into effect in the flushing department. Enough said

about that.

Next, metal pails of snow can easily be melted on a wood

stove or kerosene heater. And, according to the aforementioned swell

book, in extreme emergencies one can obtain water by squeezing the

body fluids from a fish. (I'm not kidding here, it really says

that.)

2. Outdoor Travel

Each winter, countless poor souls are lost in blinding

snowstorms while taking out the garbage (not kidding again). Each

winter, my poor husband makes harrowing trips to the barn to refuel

the kerosene heaters. Conceivably, this could be a tragic situation

should a nasty nor'Easter blow in and take him unawares on his

journey through the savage elements of our backyard. The swell book

strongly suggests one be prepared for such a turn of events by

following these simple yet life-saving instructions when traveling to

barn, garbage can or mail box:

1. Don't travel alone. (Sorry honey, you're on your own.

Remember,

I'm from Florida.)

2. Inform local emergency personnel of your journey. ( " Hello

sheriff`s office? I'm going to the barn now " .)

3. Pack a survival kit. (Shredded newspaper, Neosporin to be applied

after you fight off the feral cat that's been sleeping on your

workbench since November, snowshoes, or in my case 1970's moon

boots,

dog biscuits for the neighbor's hound Zorro the Wonderdog, who so

far, hasn't thought much of those St. Bernard lessons, waterproof

matches and lighter fluid)

4. Don't panic. If you become disoriented, stop. Try to

determine

your location. Even in a blinding snowstorm, so says the swell book,

there will be many clues. (Tripped over iron handle protruding from

ground: " ah yes, I'm near the septic tank " , or, wracking

pain to the

forehead: " right, the rake my spouse left on the sidewalk in

October. " )

5. Devise a signal. Smoke and fire (hah! you thought bringing

matches and lighter fluid was dumb) are highly visible and will be

investigated immediately if you hear an airplane overhead. Don't

forget to step back and avert your eyes. If all else fails, stomp

out the letters S O S in the snow, fill in the letters with the

shredded newspaper and set it afire. (Admit it, you thought the

newspaper was dumb, too

TO BE CONTINUED...

Winter Survival and Hunkering Down Manual- Part 2

We will be discussing CABIN FEVER and the trials and tribulations of

GETTING TO WORK.