RE: Help with a difficult situation

[Guest guest]

Wow that's really interesting, . If you think about it, I bet that as

you (we) have lost weight all of our relationships have changed to some

extent.

Here's how some of mine have changed:

Husband: It's gotten stronger as we've done this together and supported each

other.

Mom: It's become oddly competitve. I'm not competing, but she sure is!

Sister 1: Closer...it's like suddenly I'm acceptable when before I wasn't.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Brother: Closer, same reason. Again, not sure how I feel about that. I know

I could very well be projecting so I choose not to get all bunged up over

it.

Sister 2: Very similar to what it was before. She was always supportive.

Friend who was successful on Wwers and part of my motivation for starting:

Up and down. She fell off the wagon and stopped talking to me. (I don't

think it was intentional, but definitely subconcious.) Whenever she decides

to get back into it, she calls me all excited and we're " friends again. "

When she struggles, I don't hear from her. She's struggling now, I can tell.

I haven't heard from her in awhile.

Friend who is still obese: Tentative

Co-workers: Everything from same old same old, to jealousy, to anger...as if

my weight loss (for the angry ones) was intentionally meant to make them

feel bad.

Former friend: HUGE GIANT MONSTEROUS jealousy. We are no longer friends at

all. She was horrible while I was losing weight (telling me I was moodier,

teasing me about exercising, making fun of what I ate), beyond horrible when

I was sick last year (complaining to everyone in sight that because I was

out sick, she had SO much more on her plate and sending me mean spirited

emails...um, I nearly died. Sorry if that cramped your style, Princess), and

intimating to others that I had weight loss surgery (I had a Whipple

Procedure as well as two other related surgeries. I had already lost all my

weight prior to having surgeyr, so weight loss surgery would have made ZERO

sense at that point.)

Healthy friends: much better relationship

It is very interesting now that I sort of enumerate some of the changes.

It's like nearly every single person was impacted in some way by my weight

loss. Not like a huge impact, but just sort of a change in barometric

pressure, so to speak. Hmmm.

> RE: Help with a difficult situation

>

>

> Man April, doesn't it suck when things like this happen?

>

> I have a dear friend who is in the same situation. We never

> really dieted

> together, but we were always fat together. We'd go out and

> eat and eat and

> eat...and eat. Now I just don't eat that way any more. I just don't.

>

> Saturday we met at the Bite of Seattle and were going to

> eat together. Of

> course I went for the " bite " sized (smaller portions so you

> could try more

> foods) of red beans and rice (healthy, low fat, high carbs

> and fiber), corn

> on the cob no butter (lots of garlic and chili powder,

> though), and for

> dessert I had a bowl of fresh cut fruit. I could see her

> watching me the

> entire time. Yes, I did have one of the free samples of

> tortilla with cheese

> on it (and journaled it), but that was it. I could tell

> that what I ate

> impacted what she ate, and I hate that. Not because I don't

> want her to eat

> healthier, but because I don't want other people to feel

> uncomfortable

> around me. I'm not watching what they eat. I don't CARE

> what they eat. We

> talked about getting dessert after we ate, but fortunately

> there wasn't

> time. I had had my dessert! (Man it was awesome fruit, too.)

>

> I realized that in many ways she just doesn't fit into my

> life any more.

> There have always been glaring differences. I am a very

> positive person, she

> is negative. I like to take risks, for her a risk is

> listening to a new

> radio station. I have always wanted to try new things,

> she's happy with the

> life she's carved out for herself (which has basically been

> to adopt,

> completely, her parents' life and not really reach out from

> there much). Now

> that I'm into exercise and competing, something she

> believes she cannot do,

> we have so little in common it's kind of sad. I realized

> Saturday, as she

> was mocking my Lance Armstrong bracelet and teasing me

> about running that

> morning, and as we were walking back to the concert hall (a

> trip that took

> Roy and I 15 minutes, took the three of us 40 on return

> because she is so

> out of shape), that I don't really enjoy spending time with

> her. I don't

> enjoy being mocked. I don't enjoy always doing the same old

> thing. I don't

> enjoy every activity revolving around food.

>

> This has nothing to do with how she looks or what she eats.

> It simply is

> that I've moved into a new phase in my life and she isn't

> there with me.

> We'll still be friends because we have been for over 30

> years and Im not

> going to let that go. When I needed her last year, she was

> there, but it's

> hard to know that while we'll be friends forever...we won't

> be the same KIND

> of friends.

>

> So maybe it's time to redefine your relationship with her.

> She might be

> someone you need to distance yourself from for awhile. She

> might be someone

> you need to set new boundaries with. She's obviously

> feeling pain over her

> own weight issues and unfortunately you reflect that pain

> back at her with

> your success...but this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I always wanted

> to wear a big

> yellow button that read, " Notice: My weight loss is not an

> indictment of

> your weight gain. Get over it. " Because my weight loss is

> only about me, as

> your weight loss is only about you.

>

> You need to be proud of your accomplishments and not feel

> like you must

> apologize to others who aren't there yet. No, we don't need

> to beat people

> over the head with a points finder (although man sometimes

> I want to say to

> , " Sweetie, you are just squandering life! " She's 39

> and is on more

> pills than you can imagine for lifestyle related illnesses

> ALREADY!). What

> we should do, though, is lead by example, be PROUD of our

> accomplishments,

> share them with our friends (I do it through email so that

> they don't feel

> left out, but also so they don't have to listen to

> it...then if they bring

> it up when we're together, that's great. If not I'll know

> it's something

> they'd rather not talk about, or just don't give a rat's

> patootie about.

> That's okay.)

>

> Good luck with this! It's easy to say, " Well sometimes

> friends don't stay

> friends forever " but it's hard to face that reality and

> realize that to be

> friends or not to be friends are not the only two choices.

> Redefining is

> probably the best one. (If that makes any sense.)

>

> Tory

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you are right Tory. My list would be very similar to yours. Its a

good idea to write this stuff down in our journal to track how our

relationships change over time. I'm sure there is a pattern. Thank you for

your list. Its very helpful to me!

Teres

RE: Help with a difficult situation

>

>

> Man April, doesn't it suck when things like this happen?

>

> I have a dear friend who is in the same situation. We never

> really dieted

> together, but we were always fat together. We'd go out and

> eat and eat and

> eat...and eat. Now I just don't eat that way any more. I just don't.

>

> Saturday we met at the Bite of Seattle and were going to

> eat together. Of

> course I went for the " bite " sized (smaller portions so you

> could try more

> foods) of red beans and rice (healthy, low fat, high carbs

> and fiber), corn

> on the cob no butter (lots of garlic and chili powder,

> though), and for

> dessert I had a bowl of fresh cut fruit. I could see her

> watching me the

> entire time. Yes, I did have one of the free samples of

> tortilla with cheese

> on it (and journaled it), but that was it. I could tell

> that what I ate

> impacted what she ate, and I hate that. Not because I don't

> want her to eat

> healthier, but because I don't want other people to feel

> uncomfortable

> around me. I'm not watching what they eat. I don't CARE

> what they eat. We

> talked about getting dessert after we ate, but fortunately

> there wasn't

> time. I had had my dessert! (Man it was awesome fruit, too.)

>

> I realized that in many ways she just doesn't fit into my

> life any more.

> There have always been glaring differences. I am a very

> positive person, she

> is negative. I like to take risks, for her a risk is

> listening to a new

> radio station. I have always wanted to try new things,

> she's happy with the

> life she's carved out for herself (which has basically been

> to adopt,

> completely, her parents' life and not really reach out from

> there much). Now

> that I'm into exercise and competing, something she

> believes she cannot do,

> we have so little in common it's kind of sad. I realized

> Saturday, as she

> was mocking my Lance Armstrong bracelet and teasing me

> about running that

> morning, and as we were walking back to the concert hall (a

> trip that took

> Roy and I 15 minutes, took the three of us 40 on return

> because she is so

> out of shape), that I don't really enjoy spending time with

> her. I don't

> enjoy being mocked. I don't enjoy always doing the same old

> thing. I don't

> enjoy every activity revolving around food.

>

> This has nothing to do with how she looks or what she eats.

> It simply is

> that I've moved into a new phase in my life and she isn't

> there with me.

> We'll still be friends because we have been for over 30

> years and Im not

> going to let that go. When I needed her last year, she was

> there, but it's

> hard to know that while we'll be friends forever...we won't

> be the same KIND

> of friends.

>

> So maybe it's time to redefine your relationship with her.

> She might be

> someone you need to distance yourself from for awhile. She

> might be someone

> you need to set new boundaries with. She's obviously

> feeling pain over her

> own weight issues and unfortunately you reflect that pain

> back at her with

> your success...but this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I always wanted

> to wear a big

> yellow button that read, " Notice: My weight loss is not an

> indictment of

> your weight gain. Get over it. " Because my weight loss is

> only about me, as

> your weight loss is only about you.

>

> You need to be proud of your accomplishments and not feel

> like you must

> apologize to others who aren't there yet. No, we don't need

> to beat people

> over the head with a points finder (although man sometimes

> I want to say to

> , " Sweetie, you are just squandering life! " She's 39

> and is on more

> pills than you can imagine for lifestyle related illnesses

> ALREADY!). What

> we should do, though, is lead by example, be PROUD of our

> accomplishments,

> share them with our friends (I do it through email so that

> they don't feel

> left out, but also so they don't have to listen to

> it...then if they bring

> it up when we're together, that's great. If not I'll know

> it's something

> they'd rather not talk about, or just don't give a rat's

> patootie about.

> That's okay.)

>

> Good luck with this! It's easy to say, " Well sometimes

> friends don't stay

> friends forever " but it's hard to face that reality and

> realize that to be

> friends or not to be friends are not the only two choices.

> Redefining is

> probably the best one. (If that makes any sense.)

>

> Tory

>

>

>