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[Guest guest]

Dear all,

Having tried coping on my own since being diagnosed at the end of May

I am now discovering that this is not a one-man-job. I have always

been the strong type. But I'm afraid I am now slowly falling apart.

That's why I join this group.

I am 37 and have always been very independent. I have been in a

relationship for about 18 months but we have kept our own homes

meeting in weekends and sometimes a few times on weekdays. I work as

a secretary but am currently unable to work and fortunately my boss

and colleagues let me decide for myself what I can and cannot handle,

which is about nothing at the moment.

Since my diagnosis I have sort of moved in with my boyfriend. Well, I

just stayed there. Not having to go to work anymore and being so torn

it seemed the logic thing to just stay with him.

Then I had the operation, which was 'peanuts'. I went to the

supermarket within 20 hours after surgery. High on adrenalin I guess.

And then radiotherapy. I had the last session of 33 yesterday. Went

to the hospital on my own every day except Fridays when my boyfriend

could come along. And all the while I acted 'tough'.

And now I am facing chemotherapy and I'm so scared and feel terribly

lonely. I don't think my boyfriend has any idea how terrified I am

and worried about the practicalities of things. I live with him, but

don't feel 'at home' because his 25 and 22 year-old sons live there

too. I feel so vulnerable en nothing like the independent strong

woman I used to be.

When I try to tell people how I feel I do not seem to be able to get

the message across how lonely I am in this terrible situation. People

only want to hear positive things.

So, I am reaching out to you. I hope you can maybe give me advise on

how to get the message across to my boyfriend and friends that I need

them. I know it is me who needs to open up somehow, but the

vulnerability and fear is taking al my strength and dignity.

The horror of things is that my boyfriend's late wife died of

breastcancer 2,5 years ago. I feel that I cannot burden him while I

need him so badly to be there for me.

I would be very grateful if you could in any way advise me on letting

the toughness go.

And thanks a million for being there.