OT: a week at the gym

[Guest guest]

Gee...I know how this guy feels!!! <G>

WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY -

>If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something

>Wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get

>into a regular workout routine.

>

>Dear Diary...

>For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a

>Week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am

>still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years

>ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

>Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer

>Named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics

>instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed

>pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to

>keep a diary to chart my progress.................

>

>Monday:

>Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it

>was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda

>waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,

>dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a

>tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on

the

>treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it

>to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching

>the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my

>workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my

>sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole

>time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

>

>Tuesday:

>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

>Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air

>then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

>treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it

>all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

>

>Wednesday:

>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush

>on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I

>have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try

>to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

>Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

>club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning

>and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

>My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

>stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity

>rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in

>shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

>

>Thursday:

>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as

>her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help

>being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda

>took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and

>hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,

>put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

>

>Friday:

>I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever

>hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

>anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move

>without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to

>work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want

>dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that

>weighs

>more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school

>you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me

>off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have

>been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

>

>Saturday:

>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

>Shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her

>made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the

>strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight

>hours of the Weather Channel.

>

>Sunday

>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can

>go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next

>year my wife (the devil) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a

>root canal or a vasectomy.